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| (Cancer Woman sits down and lights a cigarette) Narrator: Got a problem smoking? Cancer Woman: (Looks up) God? (A heavenly light shines on Cancer Woman, as a choir hums in the backround) Narrator: No, over here! Cancer Woman: Huh? (Looks at camera) OH! Yeah, I've got a problem smoking. Narrator: For how long? Cancer Woman: Well, peer pressure caused me to take up smoking about a month ago... and I've been trying to quit for a year now! What can I do? Narrator: Well, have I got a miracle for you! Ever heard of Nicolette? Cancer Woman: Nicolette, WHO? Narrator: You know, the stop-smoking aid? Cancer Woman: Well-- Narrator: Call her up! At 1-800-QUIT-NOW! Cancer Woman: Okay... (Picks up phone and dials) (DING!) Narrator: Get the door. It's Nicolette! Cancer Woman: What the-- how did they even know my address?! (Answers door) (Two guys carry a tall, narrow box into the house; The two guys seal it open; Suddenly, a woman pops out of the box) Nicolette: Hi, I'm Nicolette! (Shakes hand) And I'm here to wipe your smoking problem out of existence! Cancer Woman: Um ... sure. So did you bring me a free sample, or what? Where is it? Nicolette: Hello! (Smacks upside the head) I am your free sample! I'll kick that cigarette addiction for you! Cancer Woman: (Turns to camera) I don't have to chew her, do I? Narrator: No no no, Nicolette doesn't work like that! So forget the idea of chewing gum and nicotine patches. Because Nicolette is a person, and she deals with the problem in her own way! First, she'll take all your money. Second, she'll put you under house arrest. Three, buy herself some new outfits, and four, distract you from your cravings! (To demonstrate "distacting cravings", Nicolette ties Cancer Woman to the couch, puts the movie Glitter on, and walks away) Cancer Woman: Wait a minute-- what if this plan doesn't work? Nicolette: Believe me... (Whips out a cat o'nine tails) ...it WILL! (Cancer Woman gulps) Narrator: And, as a bonus, she comes in four different flavors! (Nicolette wears an orange outfit) Narrator: She comes in orange... (Nicolette wears a red outfit) Narrator: Strawberry... (A green outfit) Narrator: Mint... (A blue outfit) Narrator: And, of course, original. So ... are you interested? Cancer Woman: Yeah, I think I'll buy her! Nicolette: No way, I'm free! Cancer Woman: Even better! Nicolette: But only for today. Tomorrow, you'll owe me $700. Cancer Woman: D'oh! Narrator: Nicolette: The Stop-Smoking Aid! The power to calm ... (Nicolette kicks smoker while down) ... the power to comfort ... (Nicolette body-slams smoker) ... the power-trip to help you QUIT! |
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| NOTE: We dedicate this skit to Nicolette Smith, a friend of ours. People sometimes call her "Nicorette" as a joke, so we wrote a skit about it. Enjoy! |
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| All images © Jamie & Jessie - steal them and your suffering will be legendary |