| Coming out of Jehovah's Witnesses is a difficult decision to make,
compounded by the number of years you have invested in it. It is much
more complex when you have to deal with the issue of sexual
orientation. I grew up in a religiously divided household. My father
had no particular religious leanings. My mother was an inactive
Jehovah's Witness. So, my experience was half-in, half-out of the
Organization. Upon entering High School, my parents' marriage started
to break-up. My mother then started taking a more active interest in
attending meetings, although still not going out in field service. My
uncle, her brother --- "Super Witness" --- would come and
pick us up. I always hated going to the meetings. I thought the
Witnesses were a bunch of crack-pots.
Shortly after entering college in the fall of 1966, my mother
suffered a stroke. This was quite devastating to me. That's when it
happened. My uncle stepped in with support for us. I started listening
to some of the things he said about the "Truth". It seemed
to make a lot of sense regarding world conditions. Thinking back on
it, I was susceptible to the teachings because I was at an emotionally
vulnerable point in my life. Later I realized that is the way many
Witnesses get pulled into the Organization.
I always knew that I was only attracted to men. However, I grew up
before the Stonewall riot days. Homosexuals were always portrayed in
the media as sick people. The Witness teachings went along the same
line of thought, but they also GUARANTEED that one COULD change their
sexual orientation if they wanted to. Prayer was of course a key part
of the process. The Witnesses also were strong proponents of the
theory that there was a cause for homosexuality (although they have
softened somewhat on this lately). For example, the absent father,
domineering mother, masturbation, and being molested could all cause
homosexuality. I thought that in my case, masturbation may have
switched on the gay orientation. Also, for years I thought that maybe
I had blocked out of my memory some molestation. I fervently prayed to
make me straight. I never wanted to complicate another person's life,
so I remained single. I sublimated my sexual energies and focused on
taking care of my invalid mother.
I eventually became an elder in 1976. That occupied much of my
time. It was easier to avoid the pain of hating myself by always
keeping busy with my family and the congregation. In the meantime, I
started to have increasing problems with my conscience since I still
masturbated about twice a month. So, like a "good" Jehovah's
Witness, in early 1985 I confided to the elder body. It was made clear
to me that if I did not stop, I would have to be removed. They never
really did anything to try to help me with my "problem".
Several months later, I stepped down rather that being forcibly
removed.
Then, in 1987 my sister had a devastating stroke, much worse than
my mother's. Now I had two sick people to care for. Her daughter also
took her mom's illness very badly and became emotionally unstable. It
was at this point that I saw first hand the "love" among
"Jehovah's People". I could have died and the elders would
not have known about it. Sure, there was a flurry of attention the
first few weeks. But that died down quickly. I could not get to most
meetings since my sister required much care. After several months, I
realized that most of the elders were not stopping by for
encouragement. They could see that my niece and I were
"drowning" from the mental and emotional weight we were
carrying, but did precious little to help us. My suicidal depressions
that I battled with for years were starting to increase. My weight was
constantly going up. I hated living. I hated myself and my
orientation. But still, I believed the Organization and felt that I
could "become straight".
When home care became impossible, my sister was placed into a
nursing home in 1988. My mother followed in 1991. My niece got
disfellowshipped in 1991 and moved out of the house in mid-1992. There
I was, alone, with no one to channel my energies into. Gays in the
military was the big issue at that time. There was so much focus on
Gays in the media. I fervently prayed that the Organization would
publish some words of encouragement for people battling homosexuality.
But there was no encouragement forthcoming. By the summer of 1993 I
reached rock bottom. I started to plan my suicide. I honestly believed
that by the end of 1993 I would dead. I could not face life knowing I
was homosexual with no "approved" outlet.
In September, 1993 at age 45 I finally started to think rationally.
I thought "If I get involved with someone of the same sex, I am
condemned by the Organization, If I commit suicide, I am condemned by
the Organization." In either case it was a no-win situation. I
started avidly reading about gay men and their development. I quickly
saw parallels to myself, even in my toddler years. I started to
realize and accept that there was no "cause" for my
homosexuality. I was born that way. If I was created that way, what
was the Organization to say I was not good "as is"? I prayed
to Jehovah with very specific prayers (as the Organization advised
when you wanted to get clear answers). "Should I leave the
Organization or not?" All answers to my specifically phrased
prayers indicated "Yes, leave."
In October, 1993 I finally could look myself in the mirror and say
"John, you are gay" and actually be proud about it. From
that point, people at work noticed a marked change for the better in
me. Gone were the depressions. A happy, outgoing personality began to
emerge. I took care of myself for the first time in years, lost a lot
of weight, ate correctly, and got physically fit. It was all because
for the first time in my adult life I WANTED TO LIVE. In November,
1993 I came out to my niece. In December, my mother. Without warning,
my mother died in January, 1994. I went back to the Kingdom Hall for
the first time in 7 months to arrange for a Memorial Talk for her. So
many said how wonderful I looked, how much happier I seemed. Some
asked me to tell them my secret to happiness! I spoke to an elder and
said that there had been some serious reasons why I had not been to
the meetings. He said "It's all right, the important thing is
that you are back." I replied, "No, you do not understand, I
am not coming back."
I arranged to meet with them. I told them I planned to
disassociate. I let them know they did not have any
"scriptural" grounds to disfellowship me, since I had not
yet been with a man. However, I added that it would be only a matter
of time before I did meet someone that I would be intimately involved
with. More importantly, I let them know that I saw nothing wrong with
it. I said I was going to leave on my own before being kicked out.
That gave me empowerment over them. They encouraged me to think it
through. The old "cure" of getting married was offered as a
suggestion. I held off sending in my letter of disassociation for two
months, mainly to l associate with my closer friends in the
congregation and let them know why I was leaving. I did not want
gossip to distort why I was leaving. In March, 1994 I sent in the
letter of disassociation. That month I also formed a "Former
Jehovah's Witnesses" support group for gay men and women. We
continue to meet monthly in San Francisco. We also get current
Jehovah's Witnesses contacting us for help in dealing with
homosexuality.
While I originally decided to leave the Organization solely due to
my sexual orientation, I later came to realize how many other areas it
was also wrong in. The two books by Raymond Franz ("Crisis of
Conscience" and "In Search of Christian Freedom")
helped dispel the aura of it being a spiritually correct society.
Also, the book "What the Bible Really Says About
Homosexuality" by Daniel Helminiak, Ph.D., helped me to gain new
perspective on Bible verses traditionally used against homosexuals.
To this day, I have never regretted leaving the Organization. I
continue to maintain a spiritual relationship with the Creator, but
without the support of any man-made organization. I continue to remain
happy. I invite all who carry the unnecessary burden regarding the
Organization's stance on sexual orientation to contact me at (415)
546-7586. You may also e-mail me at JWinSF@earthlink.net. Or, visit
our Support Group's web site: www.gayxjw.org. Have pride in being gay,
God still loves you! |
