| I
was 22 years old, had just left an abusive husband with my infant
daughter, and was praying for direction when I was attending
Born-again services with a high school friend and a Witness began
visiting me. At first I would try to blow her off, but she was
persistent and when she read the scripture describing the qualities
that people would have in the last days (for men would be lovers of
themselves, lovers of money...)I broke down and cried. It described my
husband so well. I began studying.
I
lived with my mother at the time. She listened to what I had learned
during my studies until one day, she just blew up. She said didn't I
know no one wanted to hear it? She told me that before I got involved
with the Witnesses, I should talk her friend's preacher because he had
been to school for bible study and knew about Witnesses. I asked if he
would come and talk to me free of charge. She replied of course not,
he was a busy man and I would have to drive halfway across the state
to talk with him. I told her that the Witnesses came for free, so they
must be true Christians. That conversation pretty much sealed my fate
as one of the first things you learn in studying is how your family
may be against your studying...
I
got an apartment to get away from the "demonic influence" of
my mother and broke up with a very nice guy who showed no interest in
studying with Witnesses. I rejoiced at having "big brothers"
to protect me, as my real brother had been ridiculing me from
childhood. I thought I had found the family and support I had always
been missing. I was baptised within six months.
A
sister who was close to my age, married, and had a child the same age
as my daughter was baptized with me. We spent a lot of time together
until for some reason she began to tell people if they wanted to be
friends with her, they could not talk to me or even sit with me at the
Kingdom Hall. I confronted her as to why and she openly admitted that
she was jealous of me because I was outgoing, beautiful and single.
She felt trapped in her marriage because they fought all the time and
lived with her mother.
I
moved into a basement dwelling of another Witness family and witnessed
a sister who would smack her 12 year old daughter across the face in
front of neighbors and even had a violent outburst on my child. Her
husband was a ministerial servant who broke my confidence in him, when
I asked for advice in a different matter.
I
moved to Maine and tried very hard to be the best Christian I could
be. A young brother would act inappropriately towards me and the
elders would do nothing about it. I guess the congregation was
recovering from a big cleaning out. I did housework at no charge for
an elder and family whose wife was disabled and witnessed abuse there.
Being
a single mother in a hall filled with families was hard. I confided in
one sister that I felt left out because the friends would not invite
me over. She said it was because I was young, sweet and beautiful and
no sister wanted me in their home for fear that their husband would be
attracted to me. I finally gave in and married the first brother who
asked so I would fit in.
Shortly
after, I was told he was accused of molesting a former step-daughter.
I asked him if it was true, that he had been accused, he said no,
never. Well, his sister-in-law confirmed that he had been accused of
it, so he had lied. I began sleeping in my daughter's room at night
and he began slandering me to the elders. He became verbally abusive
and started pushing and shoving me. He even hid a mini tape recorder
in his suit pocket when he came home at night. I heard it click off
during an argument he started. When the elders finally came, they
would not listen to me at all and recommended I get a prescription for
personality altering drugs. My hubby left me with no food, furniture,
or phone. It was all gone one day when I got home. I was shunned at
the hall because his family was large and he told everyone I was
crazy. He even went to my non-Witness relatives to ask if I had a
history of mental problems in the family. He followed me out in the
door to door work and stopped to slander me to my regular return
visits. I had gotten a job and he even went to my boss to slander me.
The elders said to just put up with it.
I
finally thought I was going nuts and purposely started smoking. I
requested to be disfellowshipped and told the elders I would
disassociate if they did not. I was disfellowshipped and became very
self destructive. I started drinking and associating with people who
did drugs. I got pregnant and out of guilt married for a third time.
Of course there was no love there, so that ended, but not before I
attempted to get reinstated and he started studying. He would bring my
former friends to pick up our daughter and cause scenes in front of
them. He admitted to purposely making me look bad in front of the
friends so he looked good and got all the attention.
I
met and moved in with another guy, giving up all hope of ever getting
it right. We went to a wedding in a church where I started a nervous
breakdown because my Witness programming started screaming out in my
head "pagans, worldly, evil". The programming was not only
condemning them, but me as well. I screamed at my new boyfriend in
front of the wedding party because he did not listen when I said it
was best if I did not attend.
It
was around that time that I logged onto H2O. I began to become open
minded and see the truth about "the truth". I got pregnant
again and we broke up. He went on vacation and came back to propose to
me. He began to understand how being a Witness had affected the way I
interacted with him. I read cult recovery books and shared with him
every step of the way. We are now together, happier than I thought I
could be. We have a peaceful relationship with open communication and
he is very supportive of my attempts to reach out to former Witnesses.
I am going to school to be a vet tech so I can work with horses, my
love since childhood. He has a standardbred racehorse, and so we have
that in common. He is absolutely wonderful to the girls. We are the
family I never had and the love is unconditional.
The
best thing that came from cult recovery was the major overhaul I was
able to do with my personality. I analyzed every belief and perception
for its root cause and was able to even correct problems stemming from
an abusive childhood. I am gradually coming to live up to my full
potential. I have self respect and more empathy and understanding of
other people. I get along a lot better with people and do not judge
harshly as I did when I was a Witness.
H2O
was what opened the door to reasonable thinking and I am eternally
grateful for that. There may be alot of battles going on between
posters at times, but we are all struggling with some major problems
stemming from Witness involvement. The destruction of a person's
entire belief system and perception of our world is one of the most
devastating things a person could go through. This should be taken
into consideration when one who is fighting that change is mean or
impolite. It should be taken into consideration when one who has gone
through it is angry at having been taken for a ride. H2O is valuable,
and will continue to be as long as we all understand that the service
it provides is naturally littered with bumps and turns.
God
bless and peace to all! |
