Everything ever posted in Nessieville, in chronological order. Note that review links redirect to the New Realm.
My favorite favorite articles and reviews (mostly the ones about adventures and cartoons it turns out) will be singled out with this little happy dragon icon:
Stuff from 2002
The unsolved mysteries of "Digimon Tamers" - (7/2/02) (Points to self and screams "GEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!")
Fun with Maine print ads! - (7/2/02) "LOBSTERS of UNUSUAL SIZE!!!"
the
RadioBoston.com Banner Ad Archive - (7/16/02) Man this is depressing.Rating the 2002 Cartoons Part One - (9/18/02) Summon Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragon!!!
Rating the 2002 Cartoons Part Two - (9/30/02) "This is going to be one long-ass morning."
California Speed Ratings! - (12/4/02) A quick take on my California Adventure, for those with no patience for the long version.
Nessie's All-Star Holiday Spectacular! - (12/18/02) "Hang up your stocking /
and SAY YOUR PRAYERS!!!"Stuff from 2003
Nessie's Excellent California Adventure - (2/11/03) "With the birds I share
this lone-eh-lay vieeeeeooooooooooooew..."Academy Awards 2003 Predictions! - (3/10/03) In which your dear little psychic Monster posts her personal picks and more likely sure bets. And also forgets her meds and randomly hates on the American Film Institute.
"Epic" - (5/5/03) "Find the Secrets of Life!""Newsies" - (5/5/03) "And the world will know!!!"
Dancing the Dream - (6/9/03) Michael Jackson's poetry and essays. What more do you need to know?
"Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation" - (6/9/03) "Happy World Land!!!"
"Purple Rain" - (6/9/03) Okay, this USED to be my favorite Prince song...
Rating the 2003 Cartoons - (9/23/03) "Season FOUR!!!!!"
"Storybook" - (9/23/03) Featuring the Great Prophet Zarquon and Kangaroo
Jack."Wet, Hot American Summer" - (9/23/03) Insane things happen in the New England wilds.
Auntie Nessie's Halloween Costume Ideas - (10/17/03) "Remember to interpret
peoples' baffled reactions to these costumes as wonder and awe at your creativity.""Dragon World" - (10/17/03) Don't put a making-of special at the end of your
made-for-video movie. It will just make people really depressed."the Good Son" - (10/17/03) Macauly Culkin = Evil Incarnate. Here's the proof.
Jonathan Livingston Seagull: a Story - (10/17/03) "FREE your mind. 'SCREEEAWK!!!'"
"T.R.O.N." - (11/4/03) "They stole my program, man! It really tied my hard disk together!"
"Virtuosity" - (11/4/03) "Makin' movies, makin' songs and fightin' round the world!!!"
"Hackers" - (11/4/03) Crash loves Burn('s laptop).
New Kids on the Block: Workin' Out - (11/4/03) In which I finally explain a
puzzling aspect of my rating system.the SkyMall Holiday Gift Guide - (11/24/03) Little mittens for your ears!!!
"the Life and Adventures of Santa Claus" - (11/24/03) Rankin/Bass Animation
("Rudolph", "Frosty", ect.) gets down with it's dark side."Jim Henson's 'the Christmas Toy'" - (11/24/03) Muppets for Christmas!!!
"Babes in Keanuville!" - (11/24/03) KICK HIS ASS, KEANU!!!Stuff from 2004
"Freddy the Frog (a.k.a. 'F.R.O.-7')" - (1/13/04) "'Amusing' is a good description for
"Freddy the Frog". Completely f___ing incomprehensible is an even better description...""Heavy Metal" - (1/13/04) Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. And an evil glowing ball of evil. And then more boobs.
"the Land of Faraway" - (1/13/04) Pussy and Yum-Yum's Excellent Adventure"Young Einstein" - (1/13/04) Anybody remember Yahoo Serious? At all?
Academy Awards 2004 Predictions! - (2/3/04 - 3/30/04 [shut up, I was busy]) In which your dear little psychic Monster posts her personal picks and more likely sure bets. Again.
"the Incredible Hulk (2003)" - (2/3/04) Dr. Banner, pelted by Gamma rays, turns into the Hulk! And it takes him damn near an hour.
"the Fantasticks!" - (2/3/04) Why, Joey? Why?Nessie's Bogus Las Vegas Journey - (3/30/04) Also: "Ness in Santa Monica 2:
Cruise Control". With pictures. (It wasn't really bogus; I had fun. It's just that, you know, the title, I had
to.)"Reign of Fire" - (3/30/04) "And the McConaughey comes in the
NIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHT!!!""UHF" - (3/30/04) "Sometimes, life is like a mop!"
Testament of the Dragon: an Illustrated Novel - (3/30/04) It has almost nothing to do with dragons; it has everything to do with BLOOOOD.
Nessie Does Disney World! - (5/4/04) "I survived 'A Bug's Life 3-D'!!!""Godzilla's Revenge" - (11/5/04) What would Minya do?
"DreamChild" - (11/5/04) Um, it's a Jim Henson film about Alice in Wonderland. Now go watch it...
Rating the 2004 Cartoons - (11/5/04) "I dig giant robots. / You dig giant robots. / Would you like to meet a giant robot, too?" (Wait...)
Ralph Bakshi's "Lord of the Rings" (1978) - (11/29/04) No, not the good Lord of
the Rings movies..."the Return of the King" (1980) - (11/29/04) Attack of the Bard!!!The
Land of Bargain Toys - (11/29/04) I am a tree ornament. We are the tree ornaments. I am
the baby mermaid!"the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special" - (11/29/04) I saw it at the video store. It was coming home with me.
"Beauty and the Beast: the Enchanted Christmas" - (11/29/04) ...I'm sad now...Stuff from 2005
"Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" - (1/19/05) Check out life before "Jurassic Park".
"the Day After Tomorrow" - (1/19/05) I will be sad when they stop making
easily-mocked big-budget turkeys like this.Academy Awards 2005 Predictions! - (2/11/05 - 3/14/05) In which your dear little psychic Monster posts her personal picks and more likely sure bets. Again. Again.
The Gallery of Rejected Dungeons and Dragons Monstrous Manual
Characters - (3/14/05) Art by me. For you to gawk at. Enjoy.California Part Three! - (5/16/05) Pretty pictures from Cali."The Magical Princess Gigi" - (7/18/05) This could be the most incomprehensible Anime I've ever seen.
"Clifford" - (7/18/05) Oh, joy and rapture, we’re going to Dinosaur World!!!
Rating the 2005 Cartoons - (9/8/05) This edition is X-TREEM UNLEASHED 4 TEENZ!!!!! (Updated on 10/20/05)
The Land of Bargain Halloween Costumes - (10/20/05) But they *are* better than no costume at all.
Return to the Land of Bargain Toys - (12/7/05) Mad-Ness' and LaGremlin's first (ill-advised) Marvel Team-Up!Stuff from 2006
The "Star Wars" Prequel Trilogy Marathon! - (1/20/06) All three Prequels back-to-back-to-back. Get your favorite munchies and a comfortable seat.Humanomorphs #6 - What Would We Do Without Jill? - (3/9/06) You look at a title like that and you immediately become more disillusioned with the publishing industry.
"Clementine's Enchanted Journey" - (3/9/06) The tale of a little girl who knows the true secrets of the Da Vinci Code...
"The Last Action Hero" - (3/9/06) Warning: Many Governator jokes ahead.
Nessie's 80's Cartoon Movie Marathon!"Rock and Rule" - (5/9/06) In the end, we will all be saved by Furries singing early 80's rock music. Nice.
"Transformers: the Movie" - (5/9/06) The movie that made our male readers cry over a dead robot.
"Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer" - (5/9/06) Right about now you can hear the little 80�s girls going, "What the f___?"
"My Little Pony: the Movie" - (5/9/06) Yay! I get to geek out!
***
Revenge of the Amusing Print Ads! - (9/20/06) Four or five years later and they are still amusing.
"The Pagemaster" - (9/20/06) A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors!
"Cartoon All-Stars To the Rescue" - (9/20/06) Insane crossovers are FUN!!!"The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T." - (9/20/06) Yes, the Dr. Seuss movie is as strange as you'd expect.
"Charlotte's Web" (1973) - (11/16/06) I need to get these songs stuck in everyone else's heads too.
"The Hobbit" (1977) - (11/16/06) "Adventures make one late for dinner!""The Apple" - (11/16/06) "I've never been so high in my life!"
"The Dark Crystal" - (11/16/06) "The Great Conjunction / what's your function?"Yet Another Crazy Gift Guide! - (12/12/06) We have finally reached the point where I can't tell if this kind of thing is for real.
"The Christmas Tree" - (12/12/06) Friends, I have seen the most unreal holiday-themed film in existence."Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas In July" - (12/12/06) And here I am thinking I'd already seen Rankin-Bass at their trippiest..."Animaniacs: Helloooo Holidays!" - (12/12/06) I forgot how awesome the Warners are.
"The Lollipop Dragon" - (12/12/06) I have a new hero.
Stuff from 2007
"A Cosmic Christmas" - (1/19/07) A very trippy Christmas from our Canadian friends.
"The Star Wars Holiday Special" - (1/19/07) Happy Life Day! "Theodore Rex" - (4/3/07) Oh no, b*tches, she did."Eragon" - (4/3/07) Safira, homegirl, ditch this little twerp and adopt somebody who can act as your pet human.
"Dungeons and Dragons" - (4/3/07) The Ridley-est thing ever.
"DragonHeart" - (4/3/07) Hero Shot!!!
"The Monster Squad" - (10/29/07) Did that little kid just say what I'm afraid he just said?
"Mad Monster Party?" - (10/29/07) Ain't no party like a mad monster party cause a mad monster party don't stop!.
"Magic in the Mirror: Fowl Play!" - (10/29/07) Oh, Moonbeam...
"Josh Kirby: Trapped on Toyworld!" - (10/29/07) (Hides behind the couch and cries.)
Revenge of the Skymall Gift Guide! - (12/5/07) "Heartbreakingly real"
"He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special" - (12/5/07) Aww, I wanna give Skeletor a hug!
"The Cabbage Patch Kids' First Christmas" - (12/5/07) Why do I remember so much of this???.
"Rudolph's Shiny New Year" - (12/5/07) The fact that I'm reviewing this particular special indicates that we're pretty much near the bottom of the Rankin-Bass barrel.
"Raggedy Anne and Andy: A Musical Adventure" - (12/5/07) Somehow it's the character's you wouldn't expect who end up in incredibly strange animated films.
Stuff from 2008
"Pete's Dragon" - (2/20/08) "Turn invisible, Elliot! We need to go into town and the animation budget is running out!"
"Inframan!" - (2/20/08) You know, you can't say that "Citizen Kane" is more entertaining than this, can you?
Kingdom Gallbladders - (began 3/25/08) Long, rambling, incoherent Walt Disney World trip report. Also, the first thing I wrote after having my Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy (trust me, you'll be able to tell)."New Kids on the Block at Disney/MGM Studios: Wildest Dreams!" - (4/1/08) Faaaaaaaaan-service!
"D-War!" (a.k.a. "Dragon Wars") - (8/13/08) Holy sh*t. This is AWESOME!
"The Adventures of the American Rabbit" - (8/13/08) M Night Shyamalan wishes he could come up with a plot twist as insane as this one.
"Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night" - (8/13/08) Okay, nobody else is creeped out by real boy Pinocchio�s crush on a non-talking puppet?
"ShapeShifter" - (8/13/08) The title doesn't even suggest the half of it. This is why I secretly love Moonbeam movies.
"Gallavants" - (8/13/08) One of my personal �what the hell was that thing my sister and I saw once or twice as little kids and I swear it messed up our heads?� movies.
The "New Kids on the Block" Cartoon Block Party - (9/22/08) The infamous New Kids cartoon, in all it's glory. Barney the Bear Killer - (9/22/08) Barney is more badass than Chuck Norris.Nessie's Vampire Weekend!
"VanHelsing" - (10/23/08) "Our Vampires are Different. Really Different."
"30 Days Of Night" - (10/23/08) "Well, our Vampires are more different than yours, so there!"
"Underworld" - (10/23/08) "Our Vampires are... the same. But our Werewolves are different!"
***
The Myth of the Llama - (11/6/08) I can't believe it doesn't suck.
Humanomorphs #3 - Caution: Contents of This Book May Be Hazardous to the World - (11/6/08) That is either the worst subtitle ever or the most awesome subtitle ever.
E.T. The Book of the Green Planet - (11/6/08) Turns out E.T. comes from a very trippy planet...
The Ultimate Unauthorized Eragon Guide: The Hidden Facts Behind the World of Alagaesia - (11/6/08) Yeah, more like the Completely Batsh*t Insane Eragon Guide.Yet ANOTHER Crazy Gift Guide! - (11/28/08) The "Horrible Economy" Edition
Yet ANOTHER Crazy Gift Guide! - (11/28/08) The "Screw the Horrible Economy, I Have Money!" Edition
Nessie's Magical Christmas Marathon!"Jack Frost" (1979) - (11/28/08) No, not that "Jack Frost" movie. Not that one either.
"Yogi's First Christmas!" - (11/28/08) "Don't fall asleep."
"The Flaming Lips' Christmas on Mars" - (11/28/08) At least now we know what a David Lynch Christmas Special would look like.
"The Nutcracker Prince" - (12/5/08) "Why are all Fairy Stories the same?"
"One Magic Christmas" - (12/5/08) "Believe in the Magic of Christmas! Or I'll kill you."
"The Night They Saved Christmas" - (12/5/08) Oil companies do not care about Christmas People. <:(
"The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas" - (12/10/08) "We can put a bear on the Moon, but we don't understand what Christmas is!"
Santa: My Life and Times - (12/10/08) Santa has been through some trippy s**t.
"Prancer" - (12/17/08) Here's another philosophical debate I never thought I'd see: If God, then Santa Claus.
"Where the Toys Come From" - (12/17/08) Well, this is just about the cutest thing ever.
"Pinocchio's Christmas" - (12/17/08) Really? NOBODY else is creeped out by real boy Pinocchio�s crush on a non-talking puppet?
"The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold" - (12/17/08) Because why the hell not make a Christmas/St. Patrick's Day special?
"Merry, Merry Christmas", New Kids on the Block - (12/21/08) As soon as I saw the reissue in the record store, I knew it was coming home with me - but is it any good?
"Santa Claus: The Movie!" - (12/21/08) The producers of the "Superman" movies make Santa into a big damn hero.
***
Stuff from 2009
"Darby O'Gill and the Little People" - (3/3/09) Disney does not care about Irish people. <:(
"The Luck of the Irish" - (3/3/09) Disney continues not to care about Irish people. <:(
"Twilight" - (4/21/09) My God, it is even sillier than I'd been warned.
"The Boy Who Could Fly" - (4/21/09) A movie I had to watch in elementary school for *years*. God only knows what we were supposed to learn from it.
"The Wizard" - (4/21/09) Everyone's favorite 100 minute long Nintendo commercial.
The Fall of the New Kids - (5/11/09) Imagine a Chick Tract about boy bands. Seriously.
"Pinocchio in Outer Space" - (5/11/09) It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like…
"Jetsons: The Movie!" - (5/11/09) The movie that taught us that stunt voice casting in animated films tends to backfire. Badly.
"The Chipmunk Adventure" - (5/11/09) I'm not even Mexican and this is offending the hell out of me! >:(
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