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The Perfect Dump: - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue, only to find that it was totally unnecessary! It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump: Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump: - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Empty Roll Dump: - You're done. . .you reach for the toiletpaper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains, but no, someone would say, "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?. . .too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face. . .Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and find the next nearest full roll.
The Splash Back Dump: - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl, creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping!
The Aborted Dump: - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Childbirth Dump: - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream. 2. Call an Obstetrician. 3. Hope like hell there's have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Machine Gun Dump: - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16 rifle. Damn commies!
The Sound Effect Dump: - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet. 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem. 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor.
The Security Dump: - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this. . . hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump: - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump, but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump: - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe? . . . maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush?. . . you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will appear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Proctologist Dump: - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it; you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further! You grunt, you squeeze, you wiggle, but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump: - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump: - Ahhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump: - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion". You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth . . . you forget the pain quickly.
The Biggie - Bigger than a grogan, worthy of the porcelain museum.
Nigels - Be disgusted by these little floaters.
The Grogan - A weird shade of green and brown.
The Timaru - A very rare pooh, shaped like timaru.
Jobbie Cricket version 2.0 is a lot more involved and one game can last around a month depending on how often you pooh. This is a two player game. First you set out a score card next to the lav for two players, 50 overs each. When you pooh, how many jobbies you did is how many runs you scored for that over, and then whoever has done the most poohs for 50 trips to the loo wins.
Rules:
An independent umpire must keep score if players do not trust each other. (If your rich, maybe your butler or maid. Just say thats it says in their contract that they must umpire Jobbie Cricket or else lose their job. If they ask to see their contract, quickly write it in, in biro before they see it).
If you have Diarrhoea, that counts as 6 runs for the over.
Green pooh = 8 runs
Any other colour other than Brown or green = 10 runs
Green + Diarrhoea = 12 runs
The Timaru pooh = 14 runs, if your pooh is in the shape of Timaru.
Of course you can lose wickets in your Jobbie innings, and if you lose 10 before your fifty overs, your innings is over.
Wickets:
Streaks on bowl after toilet is flushed.
Nigels. Anything floating is a wicket. (One wicket per over).
Cheating. Using chocolate or some other pooh substitute.
Excessive peanut and corn content. (As judged by Umpire).
Enjoy! I know I will.
Below is a picture of me, sitting on Zeds Chopper. Zed was busy being seen to by a couple of pipe-hittin' niggers with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.
