Hello special kids! It's your old 'nemesis' here, the one and only, "Volcomstalker"! Aces!
El mucho has changed over my long and illustrious hiatus from this progressively expanse of
wonderment called the Internet. As you may or may not have already noticed, I'm no longer a cruel, unthinking, selfish little bitch. Alternatively, I'm now your average, perfectly adjusted, mankind-liking, God-fearing, dear friend. And don't hesitate to call me that; "Your Dear Friend".
Here is sort of a picture of me, Bronson K Volcomstalker. But you can call me Bronson.
Here the face is poopied out because I'd rather not post my picture on the internet. In addition, I'm rather uncomfortable with my looks.
"Why has Volcomstalker changed" you might have asked just now, or before, or maybe sometime in the future. Well, my curious vessel of amazement, I'm more than happy to divulge my previous whereabouts and current whereanears.
In the crisp winter of July in Jesus' 2000th year, my involvement in a revolting and beyond cruel website was discovered by the improper peoples, them being the proper authorities. After an unhappy boot-kicking and a smack, I thought I'd learnt my lesson.
However, being the Mole that he is, Matthew Elisabeth Strain, 'Fag At Large' and professional retard, accused me, Bronson K Volcomstalker, of writing the bulk of the website's more cruel and offensive content.
Not taking a bar of this, I retaliated to his totally untrue and blatently homosexual act of slanderously fabricating lies by writing a letter to my member of parliament, and fighting my way up the ranks of the Catholic School Education Board with physical violence.
Well, to cut a long story short, this retaliation resulted in both myself and Matthew Strain's expulsions, aswell as the sour end of an eighteen year friendship between us.
Chinese philosophers, Socrates, and maybe even Vincent Furnier would say it was much more than the end of a friendship. Rather, I reckon, they would say it was the beginning of an eternal distain shared by mortal enemies.
And so it is. As to set this decleration of eternal and internal dislike and disgust of the beast Matthew Strain, I, Bronson K Volcomstalker, dedicate this website to all beings who share utter dissaproval of the life of this creature, and the request of his becoming with a sudden illness. Like cancer or diarrhoea or something.
News as of March 14, 2004
It's been some time, has it not?
I felt that after almost a year of no updates it was time I responded to mounting public pressure and several television and print campaigns and update this website.
So without further adue, check out these new Reasons To Hate Matt.
The 'Schoolies' thing will never be finished. I don't think anyone really cares.
Oh yeah, if you didn't know already, Matt's presently in China, and is planning on staying there until the first month of 2005 (January, if my calendar is to be trusted).
Send him an e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org) if you feel you should.
Anyway, Matt's thinking of posting a travologue/diary thing, and I cut the poor guy a break and let him host it on my site. Check this page out to see if he's started yet.
Well that's it. See you later on when I feel the urge... sometime after the Commonwealth Games.
Just yesterday, as I was walking down the street to buy a pack of Juicy Fruit, carefully walking around the gaggles of plebeians and masses of stinking proleteriats, some bastard comes up to me and recognizes as the famed Bronson K. Volcomstalker, of The I Hate Matt Dimension fame. This isn't unusual, in fact it happens to be an almost daily occurance: however, aside from the usual requests of autographs and a bum-squeezing hug, the sweaty, sticky fans have been asking me the same question of late. That is: "Just who the fuck is that Spike Firestorm kid?"
Well, usually when someone asks me that I just send them over to the Volcomstalker Staff page. However, this last time, where the fan really emphasised the word 'fuck', well it got me thinking: just what the fuck does Spike do around here, and why do I write him a check for $322 every Thursday?
"Well," I thought, "Fuck all for starters" I said in response to my internal monologue.
"So," I thought, "I should get Spike something to do... Now, what is Spike good at..." After a lengthy hour or two thinking about it, I realized that Spike had gotten sitting down on his lumpy arse down to a science. "So it shall be," I declared after standing on the roof, "Spike shall do a weekly, monthly or whatever review on sitting on different chairs"
Presenting the idea to Spike, he was mildly keen on the idea. Then he suggested I take his talent for sitting and looking at translucent cells backlit by a xenon bulb resulting in an image projected onto a white screen and turn that into comedy gold. I assured him he wasn't funny, then greenlit the idea.
So there we have how this page came about.
So sit back, get some popcorn in the microwave, and keep an eye on your bowels for an onslaught of pant-shitting insight into the world of cinema as Volcomstalker Industries presents The Film Club, with Spike Firestorm.
Bronson's back, with another update and all sorts of stuff.
Firstly, a new page of Ask Us has been put up. Pretty dandy. It's one of the most long-winded and rambling yet.
The schoolies thing is fast approaching completion, so you'd better check it out fast before you miss out on the thrill of reading a newly finished article after having to wait for Christ knows how long for some bastard to update. I mean, to not read it right now would be like watching the third Problem Child movie first, or something like that.
And hey, does anyone watch that show 'Strong Medicine'? I need to know something: Is Dr Luisa Delgado good looking? I really can't tell, and I need reassurence from you readers before I start stroking myself whilst watching. Sure, she has an impressive chesticular display, but the show's high drama implies a lot of close-ups, meaning anything from the neck down is basically void. Here's some pics of her if you don't know what I'm talking about. Please note that these are professionally done pictures, and as such aren't representative of how she looks on TV all the time.
And speaking of Strong Medicine, how's about how they replaced Dr. Stowe with Jill from Home Improvement?!? True, Jill's character's family life and background in the military could lead to some interesting plot developments, but I really wanted to see Stowe have her baby. Or did she already have it then leave? I dunno, I missed about five episodes and when I came back, she was gone. I'd appreciate it if someone told me about it.
Another update in less than a month. There we go then.
The Schoolies Weak Adventure has seen an update. Check it out those of who enjoy riotous adventures written with the bold combination of past tense and first person. And for those of you who hate reading things with lots of words and stuff, check out the photos down the bottom, they're a hoot! Hahaha, there's this fat kid on the bottom of part 8, haha. Looks like me a little.
You may have noticed a new banner at the top of the page: that's because there is one. Click on it then put in your e-mail address to get Freaks and Geeks released on DVD. It was a top show, one I frequently enjoyed watching with a bowl of Tim-Tams on one knee and a cat on the other. By the end of the hour, I'd 'ave eaten 'em both.
Speaking of fat kids who eat living creatures, check it out, it's Matt Strain's birthday in, like a month, or something! I'm not sure what the date today is, but his birthday's on the 12th of April. If you live in the area, send him a gift. Better yet; if your a girl and you live in the area, go around to his place and rub your breasts in his face. If you live outside the area please make all money orders in Australian Dollars. For you Americans out there, $1AU is almost enough to buy a used band-aid in the States.
It must be noted that Matt turns 18 this birthday, granting him legal permission to buy alcohol, tobacco, and nude playing cards. Expect to see business at the ailing 'Bad Girls' to skyrocket. And as soon as Kunda Park's Moulin Rouge lifts it's 45 year old minimum age restrictions, expect a rise in business there too.
All contents of this website ©Stalker Industries 2001-2003. Stealing of source code, images, text or fruit from this webste is dishonest, illegal, faggy, and probably something Matt would do.