Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

16 Febuary, 2002
Sorry folks.
I was expecting that the Big Day Out would provide me with enough comic fodder to stretch a three, maybe four page exposé. Unfortunately, not really all that much happened. I think it's best if I just list some salient comments thought by myself at the event:

  • What is it about an outdoor music event that makes people want to dress like a retard? Furthermore, what makes a girl want to get around in public in a nurse's uniform? I saw a different girl done up in a short-skirted nurse's outfit every time I went to the Levi's water tank. And if that's not disturbing enough, one of them was enormously fat.
  • If a girl wants to sit on her boyfriend's shoulders, it is only common courtesy that she lifts her shirt up, as compensation for the person's behind her obscured view.
  • Someone tell the guy from The Vines he's a turd.
  • It's nice to know how many girls despise capitalism and conformity. What's strange is how every single one buys a shirt proclaiming so.
  • I think someone should inform the organizers that some degenerates take advantage of the large crowds of the Big Day Out to peddle and partake in illegal, drug-related activities. Shocking.
  • I didn't go to the toilet the whole day. Lucky, hey?
    I could write about the bands but it's hard to do that without finishing with a prosaic piece of crap. All the bands I saw were good, we'll leave it at that.

    So anyway, check out the Ask Us and Reasons pages. You may have noticed I split the reasons page into three parts. Pretty exciting hey?

    17 January, 2002
    Hey guys! Just letting you all know that Spike and I are trekking on down to the Gold Coast once more to rock ourselves silly at the Big Day Out. We're all set to check out the Foo Fighters, Kraftwerk, and some ecstacy dealers. It's going ot be a biggy. Expect to see a comprehensive report about it in the future. Oh... oh yeah.
    In the meantime, check out the forever-swelling page of Reasons to Hate Matt. There's heaps there. More than last time.
    Fuck off.

    2 January, 2002
    Wow, a new year. Who would've thought?
    I hope you all had a nice new year's. I went down to Mooloolaba like no-one else. I was talking to some guy in the dunny doing a piss, then I left and it was 2003. What a bloody rip off. I almost got into a fight with some guy cause he had dyed black hair and was wearing those glasses that the fat girl from Scooby Doo wears. Odd that what constitutes as cool these days my mum got paid out for wearing when she was in grade 10. I wouldn't have tried anything with this dork if his glasses were prescription, but I asked whether he was long or short sighted and he just gave me a blank look. So I punched him in the guts. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with a T-shirt over it too, hmm what a surprise.
    Anyway, enough of my whinging social commentary, check out the brand new pages of the Schoolies Weak Adventure! Yippee. And also, two whole new pages of Ask Us.

    25 December, 2002
    Don't Wham! know it's Christmas?
    I'd say they do.
    From all us here at the Volcomstalker Offices, we'd like to send our heart-felt tidings of cheer and goodwill to every man and his every woman. Spike would especially like to take this opportunity to tell his mum he loves her and the infection has almost all cleared up.
    I hope everyone's day was happy and nice. It rained at my place.
    So to celebrate the birth of our Lord Christ our Savior and reason for giving presents, I thought what better way to show the loyal readers out there what a fat and generous guy I am than to shower them with an update of the site.
    So without further adue, I present parts 3 & 4 of the Schoolies Weak Adventure.
    There's also a shitload of new Reasons To Hate Matt.
    And if I don't see you tomorrow, happy Boxing Day.

    15 December, 2002
    Greetings kids, I'm back. After schoolies I took bit of a holiday. Boy did I need it. Well I didn't really. Actually the only thing that differs between 'holiday' and 'non-holiday' time for me is whether or not I'm working on this God-forsaken website. When will it end? When I say so I guess. Or when Matt dies. Or when I die. Who knows?
    Anyway, I'm sure you're all happy to hear that I've began work on an epic, grandiose retelling of my Schoolies weak adventures and misadventures. Entertaining, enlightening, and at times far too long-winded, the journey starts here. I'll add to it, bit by bit until I run out of bits. Should be a few weeks I guess? I don't know, get off my back you bunch of scrawny sluts.
    Oh hey, check out the new Reasons To Hate Matt. Oh my God, something in this room smells weird.

    9 November, 2002
    All new article in the discoveries bit. Yay!
    If you were at that party the other night and Matthew touched you on the breast or loudly commented on his genetalia in front of you, please forgive him. What you were witnessing was a man bereft of any dignity (and eventually trousers), and the recipient of a rum enema in a harrowing descent into madness.
    All funniness aside, Matthew would like to send a heartfelt thank you to everyone who looked after him in his moment of need and intestinal unpredictability, especially Ben, Lachie and Dan. Without whom, Matt might still be in a gutter in Woombye, covered in his own bodily waste.
    All in all, a fun night though. Hats off to Michelle for a lovely little shin-dig. Highlights included:

  • Matt telling Eddie to get fucked
  • Matt assuring Dan his sister's hot
  • Matt throwing up on Lachie
  • Matt telling Dan to get fucked
  • Matt spending 25 minutes doing a piss (23 of which was searching for his penis)
  • Matt boring some girl about a Billy Joel song with her name in it
  • Everyone telling Matt to get fucked
  • Dan copping an eyefull of some of Matt's fouler body parts
  • Someone made a cock joke, and it was funny

    So there we go. Matt got to see all his friends, hang out in the girl's dunnies, and sat in a genuine Saab for a bit.

    7 November, 2002
    Well guys, gals and gerbils, looks like the end of the school year is approaching us with breakneck consistency. Just think, in a coupala days mate Matt Strain will no longer be a student of whatever High School he goes to - and this time, it won't be because he got expelled. I can hear most of you - most of you being school-leavers yourself - stroking your genitals in anticipation of 'the big day'. The big 'G'. The moment when boys become men, and girls get bigger boobs.
    I like to think that if I was still going to school I'd be graduating soon. Either way, Spike and I've decided to go down to the Gold Coast for schoolies, and we're going to keep a diary of what we did and whatnot, and post it on the net. Our sources (Eddie again) say that Matt's bringing some paper and colouring-in pencils down with him, so chances are Matt's going to do something similar. Stay tuned for more info.
    In the meantime, check out TWO new pages of Ask Us and some more reasons, of course.

    11 September, 2002
    And so it is.
    September 11th, and evil has again exposed its ugly head to the rest of the world. In case you don't read the newspaper, you mightn't have heard that this happened.
    And what a frightening coincidence that this whould happen on a day when just one year ago the world was cocooned in a blanket of black terror, with disaster after disaster jolting the human spirit.
    Please, don't let your children look at some of the images on the page that I've just linked to. Heaven forbid, they could think it could happen to them. The most important thing is you tell them you're safe, they're safe, and nothing's going to happen to any of you.
    I'm sorry. I'd write more, but... well after reading this I think you'll have trouble being in the mood for anything.
    Call your loved ones.
    Donate blood.
    Just don't let the terrorists win.

    8 September, 2002
    Hey guys.
    As you've probably noticed, I haven't been updating the page much these past few months. Thing is, I've taken up a correspondence knitting course and it's been taking up a lot of my spare time that I used to spend fucking around on the internet. I've also had to take up a job to support my fried-chicken habit, as well as Spike's anti-worm treatments.
    It may surprise a few of you, but I get no payment (financial or otherwise) for doing this site to this site whatsoever, so I have to take up a job to support the aforementioned hassles. So if you see me (or Matt) walking down the street, you should give us some money or something to show your support for the I Hate Matt Dimension.
    But enough of that, check out the all new article I wrote about Matt and his schooling adventures!

    22 June, 2002
    I'm Back! He's Back! We're all back!
    That's right, your old pal Bronson K is here, phunkin' the phat beats down the system of a downs syndrome. Still haven't quite decided who should win the comp yet, so I need you guys to help me decide. Email me to get a say in who you think should win. Also on competition news, some retard was cleaning the house and threw away the pieces of paper that had the notes of the competition on it, IE one of the major prizes. Well, obviously that's not a prize anymore. What a fuck-up.
    But the photo and drawings and shit are still available, and the Coca-Cola Championship Yo-Yo has doubled in price, as they are now a defunct item and no longer available. The market value must be huge.

    Check out the new feature on the left! It's the Matt Strain News Ticker, and it's basically a marquee that keeps you up to date with the latest Matt happenings. Basically if you were to ask Matt, "Hey buddy, what the fuck's up?" he'd probably say one of these things! It's great and I love it and I know you will too.

    Sorry for the extended absence, but like Matt, I too recently got my license and acquired a new, time-consuming job as courier for the Palmwoods Mafia. But the yesterday I lost a very important package containing an 18 inch, black double dildo and got fired, so I can update more often now. And Spike hasn't updated either as he had the squirts for a whole three months.

    But anyway, as you'd expect, there are some great new reasons to hate Matt up and TWO new pages of Ask Us.

    02 March, 2002
    Hey! Whole new entry in for the fiction competition thing. This time it's not totally shit.
    I think I'll be ending this competition thingy soon. If you think someone imparticular should win, send me an email. Don't vote for yourself, and don't vote for a story that was shit.
    And I'm pretty sure there's some new reason's up and a new page of Ask Us.

    02 February, 2002
    A new month, a new set of Ask Us's. Not that it's updated every month or anything, but yes.
    There's also been one and a half stories added to the competition page. I dare call one of them an entire story, as it's purile shitness is enough to question what can really be considered a 'story'. A golden cookie goes to the first person who guesses correctly which one is the shittier*.

    *Not really

    23 January, 2002
    Check out the new stories on the Stories page. Two of 'em were both written by a guy called Dan! Not the same Dan though. One story is a lot better than the other (I'll let you guess which one). And another one's by a girl! Eeh!
    As always, there's some more reasons to hate Matt.
    Did anyone know Billy Joel did that 'I Go To Extremes' song? I had no idea.
    Email me your thoughts.

    12 January, 2002
    There hasn't been one for a while, but now there finally is. No, I'm not talking about a new Lindsey Buckingham album, I'm talking about brand spanking new Matt Discovery! Yep, and this one's a good one. Well, as good as anything else on this site. And when I say 'brand spanking new' it doesn't necessarily mean original. Or good.
    In other news, make sure to get in your competition entries quickdicks! You've only got a few weeks to write up your entry, send it to me, get it on the site and WIN BIG!!! And for those of you with abusive parents who only respond to aggression: Fucking do it you little arsewipes!
    And oh yeah, there's a new page of Ask Us up. Yum.

    19 December, 2001
    Yeah! Two new stories on the competition page. One from a girl, and the other from a lover of meat.
    Yeah, I think there are some new Ask Us's up, but I'm not sure. I forget.
    And yeah, have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chunnaka or a Kwispy Kwanzaa to everyone out there in Internet land. And while we're at it, a belated happy Ramadan for our muslim friends, and a good.. whatever Scientologists do. And I'm pretty sure Mormons don't do anything, but I could be wrong. I know they don't smoke, and someone told me they don't drink soft drink, but then someone else told me that was a myth.
    I'm going to bed.

    11 December, 2001
    There's been another story submitted to the competition page. It's a longy but a goody.
    Additionally, there have been some new Reasons and a brand-spanking new page of Ask Us's. Check that shit out and keep submitting.

    09 December, 2001
    Well, the competition is going great guns so far, with three entries in already. Yeehaw! Check them out, they're all really good. So good I'm in for a tough time judging the best.
    Also, given the retarded nature of having a potato as a second prize, I've decided to give you a choice of two prizes, should you be second place winner. The second prize winner now has a choice between a potato or a Billy Joel record. Click here for more details.
    In other news, there are some more Reasons To Hate Matt up. That is all.

    05 December, 2001
    Here it is guys! The 'big thing' I was talking about!
    No, it's not my penis (huge as it is) it's an all-new,
    I Hate Matt Dimension Fan Fiction Competition!!!

    03 December, 2001
    That's right folks....
    He's BACK!
    And this time... he's pumped. Less bullshit, less inane fodder, more sex, more ribald behaviour.
    "Who is this 'he' you speak of?" you say. "He," I say in reply to you, my little friend, "Is me. Me being of course Bronson K Volcomstalker Sr"
    Wellsh, it's been a long 8 months, but it's good to be back. See, for the last eight months I've been with a woman, called Allan. Allan was a hippy and forbade me from using technology that came into place after 1983. Hence, all I did for seven months of my life was watch TV, use the toilet, and make sweet love to Allan.
    But then, there was a hitch in the relationship. After some research, Allan found out that the toilet was actually invented after 1983, and was in fact pioneered by Douglas "DunnyDude" Toilet, in 1995. Needless to say, the lack of toilet in my life was too much to bare, and after a month of no toilet I broke up with Allan and moved back into my mum's house, and back into the world of the Internet.
    And to celebrate my return to the Internet, I'm planning something very, very special, for you humble readers out there. Keep logging on to Volcomstalker to find out more.
    In the meantime, enjoy these all new Reasons To Hate Matt and Ask Us's

    16 April, 2001
    Hey Volcomstapporters. Well, Matt's Birthday progressed pretty uneventfully, as expected. However, it did serve as a reminder of how much we hate that kid. Ech.
    Also as expected, Matt got an assortment of homo paraphenalia from assorted homos. However, as unexpected, Matt's Grandad gave Matt a brown formal suit! I thought, "Holy shit, that suit is way too cool for Matt", and Matt said "Dig it". Crikey.
    Anyway, there's an ALL NEW page on the Ask Us's. Check it. And yeh, there are some new Reasons, as always.

    12 April, 2001
    Well, as some of you may know, Matt has survived yet another year of not dying. This is surprising, as he is a frequentor of many dangerous habits, including the raping of live pitbulls, exposure to E. Coli bacteria through feces ingestation, and being a fag that everyone wants to bash.
    So yeh, he's 16 now. Which makes him more of a fag... or something.
    Anyway! To celebrate, or rather, 'commemorate' Matt not being killed to death, I've put up a NEW(!) Discovery About Matt! Check out Matt's "Birthday List" Now!

    6 April, 2001
    Good news! The Poll is back up, and better than ever! There's an All-New question and, even new answers. Well holy Bog-Damn. So yeh, answer the question, do the thing, blah blah.
    And yeh, you kids have been slack on the Ask Us' and whatnot not. Come on, get with it. And the 'Reasons' are looking a little bare these days. Fill em out champs, make your pal Volcom happy!!!
    Note: It's Matt's Birthday on Holy Thursday. Only a fat knobhead like Matt would be so blasphemous to have his birthday on the holiest of Holy Thursdays. Jesus I hate him.

    5 April, 2001
    Howdy folks! Bad news!
    By some bizarre coincidence, both myself and Matt 'Scummy' Strain have been struck down with a mild case of gastro. Thus meaning that both Matt and myself have spent most of our time in the toilet or in our rooms clutching our stomachs and crying. Matt already spends pretty much all his time in the toilet, so he has little to complain about, but for an Internet superstar like myself, it's an unwanted and inconvenient disorder.
    Anyway, because I've spent a lot of time over the past few days crying, I haven't been able to do much on the site. And so, I'm bringing you an classic article from the VolcomVault: Matt and Eddie in: The Dance Competition!

    So check it out, have fun, etc etc.
    Make sure to sign up to the mailing list and tell all your friends to sign up aswell, cause you know... it's good, etc etc.

    Oh yeh. A new page of Ask Us's up. Checkwy. And ask a question while you're there dude.

    4 April, 2001
    It's Matt's Nanna's birthday today, so if you live in Brisbane, pop in for a visit and say happy birthday to Matt's Nanna. Matt's Nanna isn't actually that bad, in fact Matt's the only Strain you should 'strain' to keep away from. Holy shit that is a cool joke. Oh yeh, it's best to stay away from his brother, Brian "Fat Bastard Doppelgänger" Strain aswell.
    Well, onto the news bit: I have added a Mailing List to the site. Join up and be a good squirrel today!
    PS: My mailing list is 400X better than Matt's slice of dog-nut.

    1 April, 2001
    There's a tonne of new shit on the parge! Check out the Volcomstalker Staff bit. It's fun and fruity and new.
    And also, be sure to check out the Reasons to Hate Matt. There are some new and very odd ones. I guess that proves how fucked up Matt is.
    And yes, there has been a new Matt Discovery made! Oh my god! Semen!!!
    And in case your wondering, I changed the update system cause the one before was a little bit shit. Not extremely, but I like this way better. For those of you who follow, bless you, for those who don't, I pray for your souls.

    30 March, 2001
    Hey yeh! The site's going well, thanks for your help. Anyways, check out page I and II of the Ask Us's and the Reasons To Hate Matt, there are some new really, really cool ones. Ah!
    And yeh, sign the guestbook. Thanks, punks.

    28 March, 2001
    Hey special kids! The maiden launch of the site was a huge success. Thanks for your support and stuff, I think it is great and rad.
    Now, thanks to your great support, I've gotten and answered FOUR Ask Us's. And there are some new Reasons to Hate Matt. As if there weren't enough already.
    So get cracking and help out The I Hate Matt Dimension.
    AND OH YEAH!!! Check this out... Nambour has finally made it into International News!. And as you may have guessed, yes, it concerns unlawful urination. It's the fourth story down.

  • 1