| New York city was the site of the semifinals where the forty comics would battle it out. Each performer would get just three minutes to make the audience laugh and impress the talent scouts. By the end of the night, only twenty comics would be left standing. These performers would move on to the finals in Las Vegas. But before the comics got their shot on stage, they'd have to survive a short bus ride from the airport to their hotel - together. Yep, a party bus had been rented and all forty comics crammed in. It was like being stuck on a bus packed full of people who never got enough attention as children. Todd Glass led the group Most Likely to Annoy, who commandeered the karaoke system. Todd and company would yell and sing, "Keep it real!" whenever other people talked. In an interview, Todd said that the other comics didn't get it. He said the irony was that by yelling, "Keep it real." - he wasn't. I think the only thing that the other comics "got" was a migraine. The good news is, if that was just one short bus ride, imagine how entertaining some of these people living together is going to be. Jay Mohr got a warm welcome at the packed Hudson Theater. He explained that the comics had been divided into two groups of twenty. Ten comics from each group would move on; the others would be sent packing. Jay made his way into the audience and joined our old friends Bob and Ross, along with three celebrity talent scouts: Colin Quinn of Comedy Central's Tough Crowd, actress and comedian Kim Coles and Rich Vos, a comic who had made it to the final ten in the first season of Last Comic Standing The enthusiastic crowd welcomed the first comic of the first group onto the stage: Alonzo Bodden. Alonzo opened with a Bed, Bath and Beyond run about being a single man who didn't know whether or not he had a duvet - and if it really needed to be covered. Next up was Jessica Kirson, who said she was on Atkins: "Today I had no crackers, no muffins, no cake. I had sixteen chickens, a dozen eggs and a lamb. I ate a whole farm." Pablo Francisco, who weaved sound effects throughout his three minutes, did impressions of Aaron Neville and Mexican radio. ANT was on the first season of Last Comic Standing, but only made it to the Las Vegas finals. He admitted that he was devastated last season and did not want to lose again. ANT did his three minutes and was well-received. Would it be good enough for him to move on or would he become a two-time loser? Frank Santorelli, who had been doing stand-up for more than twenty years, embraced his family heritage: "I grew up in an Italian family, kinda strange. My mother taught me how to shave." Will Durst, a political comedian, did his three minutes as George Bush, "President Rain Man." Vladimir Khlynin, a young, Russian-born comic talked about being a little, five year-old drunk in the motherland. Kathleen Madigan bemoaned the country's electoral system. After Todd Glass did his set, Bob told him that Todd was one of his favorites, but said that there was a rumor that Todd was very difficult to get along with. Todd smiled and asked, "...difficult enough to be good in the house?" - which drew laughs from Bob and the other talent scouts. Sue Costello did a run about women in bad relationships becoming "codependent cheerleaders." She even broke out into a few codependent cheers. Jimmy Dore talked about how awkward it is to be around people who hit their kids in public. He said he interrupted one woman who was hitting her child. The woman told him, "You gotta hit 'em. Makes 'em good people." Jimmy responded, "How many punches would it take to make you a decent human being?" Paul Varghese said the only thing worse than being afraid of the dark as a kid was having a parent that was as scared as you were. John Wessling said that his dad ruined his wedding by giving a toast while he was drunk. His dad began, "I like my women like I like my Scotch: twelve years-old and mixed up with Coke." DC Benny talked about riding the subway and being confused when people brought bikes in with them: "It's a bike. Go ride it. What are you, cheating in a race?" Corey Holcomb revealed the secret of how to look at other women when out with your girl: talk badly about the other women. Complain about their low-cut dresses and you can look at them all you want. Bonnie McFarlane shared her secret for staying trim: "One, I always take the stairs - always. Two, I'm anorexic." Bert Kreischer did a run about getting pulled over by a cop - but he may have gone too far when he joked about cops beating a black driver. Bob certainly gave a pained look. Next was Tony Woods, who outlined the reasons he would not like to go to Amsterdam. Jim Norton, still caustic and still bald, talked about how he tried to bargain down an escort service once. The service wanted three thousand dollars for a very pretty woman. Jim countered with: "Can you send over a deformed girl for fifty dollars?" Louis Ramey talked about being pulled over by a cop (fortunately, he didn't take Bert Kreischer's advice). When the cop pulled him over, he asked Louis, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Louis said, "Because I was speeding?" The cop responded, "No, 'cause you're black. Don't you read the papers?" Finally, Juston McKinney talked about being an ex-cop who was on the poorest and smallest police department in the state. The force was just two cops - his backup was a day and a half away. After the first group of comics finished, the tension was heavy. All of the comics waited eagerly to find out if they were moving on or if they were heading home. Jay got back on stage and announced the names of the ten comics who had earned a ticket to Las Vegas. Jay called up DC Benny, Bonnie McFarlane, Alonzo Bodden, Kathleen Madigan, ANT, Todd Glass, Jessica Kirson, Jim Norton, Corey Holcomb, and Sue Costello. The final group of twenty comics vying for the remaining spots started with Dan Ahdoot, who opened by declaring that he was Iranian. Dead silence from the audience. Dan then said, "Doesn't usually get a round of applause." - which got him laughs and applause. Chris Voth talked about his old jobs. He said that one holiday season he was a Salvation Army bell ringer: "It's a great job. It's like five bucks an hour plus tips." Tom Cotter opened by saying that he was excited: "This morning I woke up and I could feel Tension mounting. Tension's my dog." Kerri Louise talked about being a lifeguard. She said it was boring because no one ever drowns. She added, "Well, this one girl did, but I couldn't save her because I just ate." Kevin Brown said it was a great time to be a New York sport's fan - except when you have to sit through interviews with Dikembe Mutombo, who sounds like the Cookie Monster's Nigerian cousin. John Heffron wondered why golf was the only sport you're allowed to pretend to play while having a conversation with someone. Marina Franklin talked about avoiding a confrontation with a woman who was yelling at her child. Gary Gulman talked about his height: "I'm six-foot-six. That's a big Jew." Next was Monty Hoffman, who had success in television years prior but lost it after battling drugs, alcohol and cancer. On stage, Monty talked about his troubled relationships: "I had this one woman live with me for fourteen days. Then she chewed through the ropes and got free." Tammy Pescatelli opened with, "Pescatelli, that's Sicilian. And not all Sicilians are in the mob, okay? Some are in the witness protection program." Ty Barnett said he gets upset when someone asks him what gang he was in: "What the hell makes you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?" Eddie Ifft said, "I just got back from Amsterdam… I think." Sharon Huston got almost no laughs with her wedding routine. Off stage she said, "I feel horrible about my set." Dan Naturman said he's against jukeboxes on principle: "'Cause you gotta pay a dollar to hear a song and the rest of the bar gets to listen for free." Jim Wiggins talked about his wife and family: "We had five kids. We were concerned about having five kids. We had read somewhere that every fifth baby born in the world was Chinese." Jay London opened with, "You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart." Retha Jones complained about getting older and told the ladies, "We go from a 34B to a 34 Long as the years go by." Rick Kunkler asked, "You ever see somebody so ugly that it startles you?" Triana Gamaza talked about being a stripper. When approached by a creepy guy who asked what her sign was, she replied, "The dollar sign." Tim Young said that after he got a new cell phone, he had to break up with his old company: "It was the hardest breakup of my life." It was time again for Jay to lift ten spirits and crush ten others. Jay announced the names of Tim Young, Marina Franklin, Monty Hoffman, John Heffron, Gary Gulman, Kerri Louise, Dan Ahdoot, Dan Naturman, Tammy Pescatelli and Jay London. Those ten comics raced up onto the stage and were joined by the first group of ten finalists. The twenty comics hugged and congratulated each other. But the celebrations would be short-lived. Soon they would arrive in Las Vegas where the group would be cut in half again. The surviving ten would move into a Hollywood mansion and be that much closer to winning it all. |
| Episode 2 - New York Semi-Finals: June 9, 2004 |
| Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10,11 Episode 12,13 Episodes 14,15 |
| THE SEARCH FOR THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN AMERICA |
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