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War of the Sexes

The Pope was on a visit to New York to speak to the General Assembly at the United Nations. The Secretary General was to pick him up personally at the airport but, being detained by some crisis or another, sent his personal limo on ahead instead. The driver held up a sign that simply said "Pope" and explained to the Pope what had happened and that he was there to take him to UN headquarters and invited the Pope to sit in the back of the limo.

The Pope got in and, boy, was he impressed: 9 yard leather seats, one-way tinted glass, Dom P. on ice, air conditioning, sliding sun roof, stereo, television with satellite dish, computer and fax machine, magic fingers under the seat, all of the comforts. Then the Pope saw the driver:

Walkman headphones on, wrap around Raybans, leather racing gloves, elbow out the window, wind blowing in the hair. The Pope knocked on the glass and said: "My good man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you have never sat back here before and I have never driven one of these things before so, what do you say, shall we trade places? You come back here and let me drive?"

The driver resisted at first but eventually agreed. He pulled over to the curb, got out, let the Pope behind the wheel and settled in in the back with the bottle of bubbly. The Pope adjusted the mirrors, put on the headphones, turned up Tina Turner, stuck his elbow out the window and stuck his foot on it: 80 mph, 100, 120, settled in at 140 mph and flew right past a motorcycle cop. The cop switched on the overhead, gave chase and, with much difficulty, finally pulled the limo over about two miles down the road. He swaggered over to the driver side, rapped on the window and started to say: "Look buddy, what in the holy crap do youthink you are ...." and he saw the Pope behind the wheel.

He said: "Sarge, Mullaney here, look I have pulled over this limo here on 47th Street for speeding and we got a problem. It's a VIP".

The sergeant said: "OK Mike, I understand, tell me. Just how important is he? Is he, for instance, more important than the Chief of Police?"

The Sergeant asked: "The Governor?" and Mullaney answered: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Governor even."

The Sergeant said: "But, surely, not more important than the Senator?" and Mullaney replied that this VIP was much more important than even the Senator. The Sergeant began to be a bit worried and asked: "God man, you didn't stop the President of the United States did you?"

The cop said: "No sir I didn't, but this man is even more important than the President."

The sergeant said: "More important even than the President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Then tell me, who is it?"

The cop said: "Well Sarge, I can't rightly say who he is but I can tell you this. His driver is the Pope!"

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.* Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St.* Peter.* "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.* You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.* What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell.* The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.* In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.* They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they>talked about old times.* They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.* She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind a cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.* She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.* The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.* She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven.* Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.* She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.* "I don't understand," stammered the woman.* "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable!"

The Devil looked at her and smiled.* "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."