Darwin

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Actually, I got this one from Norman first

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer.
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." .....(And that would be how ... ?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."......(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down.".....(Too Late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." .....(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness.".....(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"for indoor or outdoor use only."......(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."......( I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts.".....(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On, a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

"Chicken Gun"

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist.

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and spaceshuttles, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as tile chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."

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Jerold H Feinstein saftyrma@yahoo.com
Copyright Jerold H. Feinstein, PE 1997-2000 All rights reserved; contact for permission to use
This page was last updated on 06/09/00 and is located at http://www.oocities.org/CapeCanaveral/Hangar/6056

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