Aging 3

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

"Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow ...

"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"

This is probably the wrong category, is only of fair quality but it does answer at least two questions:

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in the parlor.

When she returned with the tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floatie, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this," (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease." And you know, I think it is working!! I haven't had a cold all winter."

Life should be backward...a little crude but I like it.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus?

I think the life-cycle is all backwards.

You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...

Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it!

Banking...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?

"Listen up damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old man, "is there a problem"?

"There is no damn problem," the man says.

"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I just want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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Jerold H Feinstein saftyrma@yahoo.com

Copyright Jerold H. Feinstein, PE 1997-2000 All rights reserved; contact for permission to use. This page was last updated on 09/21/00 and is located at http://www.oocities.org/CapeCanaveral/Hangar/6056

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