The Funnies Page

Dancing Macaroni

None of these are mine, they have been sent to me from Ruth in my IRC channel who sends them out as Sunday Funnies each week. Not sure where she gets them from either but they are great and brighten up my Sundays, hope you enjoy them too.

20 Words That Should Exist

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive
and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream
of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus
relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or
(b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any
more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the
coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around
picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even
when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at
least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department
store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming
this will remove all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only
be seen in the rear view mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front
of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean
in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion
that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will
arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under
the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one
has to resort to the illegal side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb
struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to
undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they
answer.
PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after
a dog presses it's nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick
it up, when you're only six inches away.

Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the net

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with
Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial
your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with
the modem. You succeed.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would let it take.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to
itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road
or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Sddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to.
That's the (censored) reason.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The
chicken was faced with significant challenges
to create and develop the competencies required
for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the
client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen
helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support
of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and bestchickens
along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to
enable them to synergize with each other in order
to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and
successfully architecting and implementing
an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling
and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry-focused, and built
upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message
and aligned with the chicken's mission,vision, and
core values. This was conducive towards the creation
of a total business integration solution. Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Bill Clinton: Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?

Bart Simpsonisms

These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson
from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits:

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.

All of which leads me to understand that someone must have watched every episode of the Simpsons and made notes!!

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