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Thursday, September 30, 2004
I did it. I've survived the first month of school, the first 4 weeks of my last year in high school. It seems like I've been back in school for ages...but man, I'm not even a 1/4 of the way through this semester!
But yes...this is the last entry for September, cuz it's the last day of September. And yes, that also means I got my monthly report card today. I did well, even though Ms. Borzak gave me my first and only ZERO! on an assignment that I had handed in! But yeah...the thing is, I pointed it out to her, she took my report, wrote "to be added" and signed it, and then gave me back my sheet...but yeah...something tells me since I have the sheet that says "to be added," she might forget to add the mark=S
I'm trying so hard to enjoy this course (I usually do), but she's making it so hard...the weekly 50 vocab words, sentences and quizzes, the 3-day marathon of tests and re-tests on stylistic devices and sentence structures, getting her students to mark the tests for her, her absences from class, and last, but certainly not the least, how she spends a lot of her time and our class time figuring out stuff for her EPS course...*sigh*...I dunno, I was actually looking forward to English this year...but not so much now that I'm in it.
My best mark is, surprisingly, calculus, then gr.11 bio, and English and geometry are tied, but since there was the mess-up with the English mark, I guess English is technically supposed to be higher than geometry.
Anyways, here's something that's been on my mind since last nite. I went to prayer meeting and got the usual prayer list, but there was a letter from Rev. Nick on the backside of it with additional requests. One of them had the Bible verse I quoted above (from Nehemiah).
And yeah...it reminded me of how Pastor Sharon said that Gandhi had fasted one time when there was a war in India. He made it clear that he wouldn't stop fasting until the war stopped...and he didn't, until he almost died and people from both sides realized that he was serious about the war ending...so they lay down their weapons and the war stopped.
I've never fasted for long periods of time...the longest was for 30 Hour Famine...well, the ones that turned into 40 hours. But I've never really fasted for anything really personal and close-to-home, you know? And I was wondering if I could fast for our church - for the people, the relationships, the disputes, the misunderstandings...the need for reconciliation. I'm thinking of starting Saturday, but I dunno how long I will be fasting for...one day, 2 days...at least 30 hours, I hope.
But yeah...I can't think of what else I can possibly do...except for sitting back and watching...and that is something I don't want to do.
Refuse to do nothing.
That was the motto for the 30 Hour Famine last year...and I refuse to do nothing. I want to do something...even something as little as a prayer, or a day without food, to petition to God, to find His will.
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm naive, maybe some of you think I'm "spiritual"...trust me, I'm not any more "spiritual" than you...and even if I was more "spiritual," why can't you be? Why can't we all be a li'l more "spiritual" any day and every day?
So many questions floating through this li'l head of mine...
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Ever feel like there's so many things wrong with this world and there seems to be nothing you can do about it?
That's what I'm feeling right now...or most of today anyways...
I had a lot of trouble focusing in class - yet again. This morning's calculus class was a killer...I got sooo restless that I kept shifting and trying to find a new comfortable position in my seat every 2 minutes. Bio was alright...I probably should've spent more energy in studying last nite...kept drifting off...but it's done and over and I don't want to worry about it until I get it back.
Lunch was alright. I read the 2 essays I was supposed to have read last nite for English...only my English teacher didn't even mention them today. All we did was write tests and mark them and then mark the tests from her other class...and she was really strict in marking them...even though you could clearly tell that whoever you were marking knew what they were doing, but just cuz they circled instead of underlined the words or didn't mark certain things properly, you didn't get the mark...it was the longest ad worst English class ever. I was frustrated at first, like everyone else in the class...but I was just so exhausted and I had enough on my mind already that I just sat back and tried to - not care.
And well, with algeo, it was notes, notes, and more notes as usual. I was tired and just wanted to go home...kept watching the clock which dodn't seem to move at all...and when it finally did, I went to my locker, packed my bags, got onto the bus, put on my headphones and slept the whole bus ride home.
Anyways...enough of my depressing day. Some good news is that I got an e-mail recently about World Vision's Holiday Catalogue. Here's one way to help the less fortunate and to make a difference for someone in another country. Here's a list of some of the items I though were kinda neat:
And I was thinking I might buy a piglet. But if any of you out there have some extra change, feel free to help me out with the $35...or better yet, if we get enoughtogether, we can get something bigger:
As young as we are, as old as we are, as small and insignificant as we are, maybe we can make a difference...if only we try, if only we have the guts to be the first to step off the ledge.
I wanted to go up to that mic on Sunday to say something...anything...a simple prayer, a simple phrase, a simple word, or even nothing and let the tears speak for me.
There's a Navajo proverb that goes, "You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep." It makes me wonder if people actually see what they're doing, how they're hurting the people around them them, or if they do see it, but just choose to be ignorant about it.
I dunno...I'm trying hard to stay optimistic...that one day, the church will be united again...reconciliation between people with old grudges will begin and maybe MCBC will be the home it used to be.
Nothing more to say...
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
This is gonna be a quick one - or well, as quick as my blogs can get=P My weekend (as I had explained in my previous blog) was packed...and yes, it was...I pretty much spent 24 hours at church this past weekend...and it's crazy to think that some people might've spent a lot more than that!
Basically, I've had a tough time concentrating on my studies today...I had time to think on my bus ride to school, and having gotten to school earlier than usual, I had some time to myself to think...or rather, to replay the episode from yesterday's 1st meeting. Let's just say they weren't good memeories.
I don't want to go too indepth with my thoughts on it...not now anyways...but I do wish that the congregation would listen to what the "minority" group had to say (I'm sorry...I don't wanna put specific names up and I dunno what else to refer to these people as...but if you were there, I would imagine that you know who I'm talking about...). I wish that we, the congregation, a church of (what I had hoped) of love and grace, would have had the respect to hear them out...and well, hey, if you chose to disagree with them after hearing them out, then so be it...but don't disagree with them before hearing them out...cuz that's just choosing to be ignorant.
*sigh*...I'm sorry. Tell me if I'm wrong...if you think so. I'm stuck between frustration and trying not to be hypocritical...cuz well, perhaps I'm being ignorant of things, too...Perhaps I'm just being self-righteous...perhaps I haven't listened, loved, prayed, and forgiven like I should have.
And really...I know a lot of people cried yesterday...I know I did - more than once...and there have been a few times today when I didn't think I could hold in the tears and I just stared blankly into space or put down my head...just...numb.
I cry now for our church. I cry now for my brothers and sisters. I cry now for all the ignorance in this world. I cry for all the unheard cries of pain and the unseen tears of sorrow. I cry for the love of Christ...out of what I wish wasn't bitterness and out of awe...that we could claim that we love a God we cannot see, when we can't even love our brothers and sisters, that we could have the hearts to turn out backs on the one who bled to death on a cross for us again, and again, and again, and again...that He would still love us.
I cry, because no words can express the emotions I feel. I cry, because I had asked God almost a year ago to let my heart be broken by the things that break His heart...and now that I've had a taste of it, I don't want it anymore...because it hurts. I cry now, because MCBC is my family...and like any child, who doesn't quite know what's going on, but only enough to know that their family is falling apart...I'm scared.
And well...it's 12:57am now...I've gotta get to school at 7:30am for GCF and I've got a bio test at 2nd period, which I'm still in the process of studying for...yet even though I probably should be (cuz nothing seems to be sticking), am not really nervous about drawing blanks or failing it...at least not yet...maybe tomorrow morning.
All I'm wishing for is that I survive tomorrow...physically, emotionally, spiritually...cuz I'm think I'm on the brink of breaking...or the closest I've ever been anyways...it's a scary thought to think I may have reached my limits...I dunno...it's late, I'm ranting...I'm sorry.
Tired, exhausted,
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Thursday, September 23, 2004
*yawn*...I should be sleeping. I've been up since 5am this morning. I had to wake up my sister, cuz she was gonna drive me to school for jazz choir practice this morning (7:45am), since my dad is out of town, but she had to get some other stuff done...so yeah, in exchange of getting a ride to school, I was her alarm clock.
School work has been busy. I actually didn't get a chance to check my e-mail these past 2 days - sorry to everyone who has e-mailed me recently and for the late replies=S So far (in terms of just school activities), I've got chamber choir on Monday afternoons, Christian fellowship on Tuesday mornings, and jazz choirs on Thursday mornings as well...I was gonna join the dragon boat team, but I don't think I'll be able to take out the time for it=(
In terms of church, there's prayer meeting's on Wednesday nites, WAY on Friday nites and church on Sundays...and well, I've got piano lessons on Thursday nites for an hour and 40 minutes, too...(and trust me - those are going too well...)
So far, I've had homework from both algeo and calculus every day(with the exceptions of when we've had tests - which is one quiz for calc and a test for both); 2 sections with 10 questions each, 3 dichotomous keys, and a quiz for gr.11 bio; and well, for English, let's just say on top of the weekly 50 new vocabulary words and quizzes we have, I've got more homework from this subject alone than the other 3 combined=S
And yes, about my quote...don't worry, I'm pretty sure I'll try my best to sleep before I die=P But yeah...the thing is I haven't slept that well ever since school started...and even on the bus home, I don't sleep that much, or find that I can't fall asleep as quickly as I used too, so I end up trying to finish up some last-minute math questions instead.
Today, at my piano lesson, my teacher was asking me how many nites I spend at church: Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday...then she asked if I had time to practice on Sundays...and I'm like, "Umm...yeah?" And she was saying that I should since I don't have to go to church Sunday nites...and I nodded...but then I remembered all those "info sessions" we've had these past few Sundays and yeah...I don't have to "go" to church Sunday nites, but I do go in the mornings and stay pretty late=P
She suggested that I consider cutting back on time spent at church...but I'm thinking to myself - Sunday is service and a day of worship, so I've gotta go; Friday is WAY...and since it's a form of relaxation and stress-relieving for me, and since I'm on committee this year, I wanna go consistently; and well, Wednesday prayer meetings keep me going and the support I receive from the "older" English-speaking crowd at church is great=) Even if it means I have less time to do my homework.
I dunno...it's hard to explain sometimes...how my priorities are lined up...People ask, "What are you doing this weekend?" and I say, "Well, I'm going to church at 6pm for a worship practice, and then to my church youth group at 7:30pm on Friday. Then I'm going to Univerity Fair Saturday morning at 9am (when the doors open), so I can get home, eat lunch, somehow find a ride to get to church at 3pm for a WAY committee meeting, eat dinner, attend the Missions Conference at 7:30pm. And then Sunday, I've gotta get to church at 7:45am for another worship practice, and then help out with Sunbeam at 11am. Then eat lunch and get back for a congregational meeting at 2pm..."
So, pretty much, I'll be spending...hmmm...practically 1/3 of my weekend at church...and assuming I manage to sleep a "generous" 6 hours each nite, I'll be spending more than 40% of my waking hours at church...and that is IF that congregational meeting manages to end at 5:45pm...I'm praying it'll end by then.
But yeah...it's so hard to explain to someone who'll probably be spending Friday nite doing homework or partying, Saturday morning sleeping in and the afternoon at University Fair, and Sunday morning sleeping in and the afternoon finishing up homework, why someone would even consider going to church all weekend long...I mean in a way it's a good way to witness, but at the same time, I don't want people to be turned off from Christianity, cuz it seems like all we ever do is hold meetings upon meetings upon meetings, you know?
And I know that our meetings run late, because so many people want what's best for the church, but like a dear friend was asking me, "Why does everyone think they're right and everyone else is wrong?" *sigh*...I'm trying to refrain from losing hope, because Christ is my hope...reminding myself to turn my eyes upon Jesus. Our church is human. And unfortunately, being human, we all have sinned, are sinning and will sin...but the important thing is to show each other the grace that Christ has shown us and help build each other up, not break each other down.
Thank God that He is abounding in love and grace, or (seriously) we'd all be in pretty deep trouble!
Man...this was a looong blog. I'm sorry for the ranting. And it's getting late...I actually managed to get all my work done before 6pm today and I was planning to go to sleep before 11pm...so much for that.
*sigh*...I should really be sleeping right now. Je vous souhaite une bonne nuit, mes amis. Dormez bien. Je vous regarderai bientôt=)
Très fatiguée...
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Sunday, September 19, 2004
*yawn*...It's almost midnite and I've still gotta study a bit for tomorrow's calc test=S And well, as you can see it's been practically TWO WEEKS since I last blogged...so yeah, I've been a li'l busy ever since school started...
But yeah...somehow I still managed to experiment with the idea of this year's school yearbook theme of "spices of Life"=P It's not that great, but hey, it was an hour's worth of work on PAINT (cuz I don't have or know how to use any program fancier than that=P) Even all the Dog House pics were done on Paint...I dunno, I just really like the shakers...not so much the letters...oh yeah...the letters look better on the larger version...but I didn't load that one up, cuz it was too big of a file.
Anyhoo, life's these past 2 weeks has been crazy...I spent yesterday out most of the day. I woke up at 7:30am to go driving with my dad until 10:30am or so, came home, made my dichomotous key for bio class, went downtown with Ceci and Vicki, in hopes of seeing a movie at the Toronto Film Fest, but didn't, cuz we couldn't get tickets, walked around, was gonna have dinner in downtown (as planned), but didn't, cuz we were indecisive and being Saturday nite, all the restaurants were packed...so I ended coing home to eat leftovers and a frozen dinner, while doing my homework=P
And today was spent mostly at church. Led Junior worship for the first time in AGES, went to service, helped out with Sunbeam (my "kids" are soooo cute!), went to lunch at Quizno's (sooo yummy!), went back to church for that info session...cried a couple tears, got a li'l sad, a li'l frustrated, then started tuning out as topics and questions started repeating, and ended up helping Hubert mark some of his bio tests=P
I got to go to Swiss Chalet with Cecilia=) Then came home and had some time for HW=) And now that I've got all that work done, I've gotta review for that math test=P
But it feels like I haven't had much of a break this weekend...except for a nice nap Friday afternoon=) Hadn't napped or slept that well in a while=P I should take naps more often...hehe...
I better go to bed...
If you don't see any blogs for a long while, please pray for my sanity, cuz it probably means I'm really busy...or at least too busy to update this=P But I will try my best to update this=)
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Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Well, being the first day of my last year in high school, this is gonna be a blog full of mixed feelings! I was actually gonna do an end-of-the-summer entry last nite, but got cuaght up in looking through Jeff's, Ernest's, and Jeremy's online albums of WAY and church events and ended up not doing one=P
Anyhooey, I went to bed at 1am last nite (I know, I shouldn't have), woke up at 5:30am, got up at 6am, got to David's by 6:40am, to Penny's by 6:50am and to Cora's by 7am to meet up with Bin for breakfast! Yes - I am insane=P Oh well, at least I got to start my school year with a good and very filling breakfast with some very good friends=)
Anyways, the rest of the day, I spent "stuffing" safety and insurance pamphlets into the school agendas, handing out timetables and sitting around chatting ith friends.
But yeah...with only 4 years of high school, I've got a packed schedule this year. Semester 1 is as follows: algebra/geometry, gr.11 bio, lunch, English, and calculus. Semester 2 consists of: design tech, chem (with Christensen - yet AGAIN!!!), physics (unfortunately, I didn't get Mr. Donatelli=( he was such a good teacher), lunch, and gr.12 bio.
That's right...2 maths, a science and English, then THREE GRADE 12 SCIENCES and design tech!!! It's madness!!! But at least I've got gr.11 bio with David, Penny, and Bin, and 2 decent lunch times with people I know=)
There's a saying that goes: "Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns." And well, I want to be one that praises...although I do know that I do complain a lot more than I would like=P But hey, I've also got to pick my locker, so at least I won't have to carry my textbooks with me all the time=)
But yeah...as you can see from all my pics, I've had a lot of fun this past year...well, actually, the four photobooth ones are actually from gr.8 or something, but yeah...I've had a lot of memorable times with family and friends this year.
And one thing that I'm worried about is that (on top of all the school stuff, piano, and church stuff) I won't have time to "have fun", or I won't "remember" to have fun=S I don't wanna burn out this year, or any year, for that matter.
It's my last year...hopefully, a fun and enjoyable year. I don't mind working hard, but with all the tests (plus mid-terms), I dunno if I can handle it. But I guess we'll just have to see, won't we?
Cursed workaholic,
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Thursday, September 2, 2004
Ever look into a mirror and wonder if who you're seeing is who you really are, who others see you as, or who others want you to be?
Ever wonder why people look at you and assume you're a certain way without really getting to know you?
Sounds cliché, doesn't it?
But really, how much do you really know about me? How much do I really know about myself? How much do I really want to know? How much do I really want to let you know? How much do you really want to know?
Life's tough. There's no doubt about it.
We live in a society where stereotypes are put in front of us and whether or not we consciously choose to abide by them, we are nevertheless influenced by them. And it makes me wonder how many times I've met someone, perhaps even gotten to know them as more than just a name or a face, and have crippled them by expecting or not expecting them to be able to do something.
There are times when being expected to do something can - how should I say it? - break you...cuz the expectations are too high. Yet then again, it causes you to push yourself harder than you ever would otherwise.
But then, there are times when not being expected to do something can crush you. When no one has any faith in you to achieve what is possible...yet it might just give some people the motivation to try their best to prove the rest of the world wrong.
In a short 5 days, I'll be jumping back into the busyness of school life - gr.12 for that matter! I'm praying that I won't end up broken or crushed by all the expectations people have or don't have of me, by the expectations that I may or may not live up to...by all the things that a 17-year-old girl worries about, cuz hey, no matter what age you think I act like, the truth is I am only 17 years old.
I'm growing, I'm changing, I'm maturing...For better or for worse, I'm starting to find the real me within all the stereotypes that I've come to see myself as and restrict myself to...I see things I like. I see things I don't like. I see things that I want to improve upon.
I'm trying to get comfortable being me...Questioning the values and beliefs and opinions that have been handed down to me from my parents, that I've encountered all through life, digesting them, altering them, and making them my own, instead of regurgitating someone else's and claiming them for my own.
And hopefully, when it's all said and done, I'll be one step closer to being the person that God wants me to be.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
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Thursday, September 2, 2004
hmmm...tired...I'll be going to bed soon. Can't believe it's already September!!! I just got home an hour ago from a GCF meeting, a worship practice, prayer meeting, a cup of white hot chocolate, and a game of Phase 10=) A long, but enjoyable day=)
Yesterday, I spent my morning at school...yes, a whole week early, but Celine and the rest of the SAC needed help with the grade 9 registration - which was TOTAL madness!!! But hey, lucky me, I get to go in early again next Tuesday to help out with the grades 10, 11, and 12 registration=P
Anyhoo, gotta wake up early tomorrow, so I'll leave this here=P
Nite owl,
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