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Sunday, October 31, 2004
Cecilia took this some time ago...It's the 2 big Care Bears that we had bought our parents sometime last year...either for Christmas or their wedding anniversary. And well, the li'l yellow one is one that my sister bought my mom...I think for her birthday last year. Cute, aren't they? Maybe even picture-perfect?
You may have noticed that I haven't blogged for 2 whole weeks...I've been busy...and stressed. It's been a crazy 2 weeks. Church situation, family things, time management, school work, university info sessions...and "all that jazz"=S I'm soooo tired.
I got my midterm report card on Friday...my average dropped 3% or so=( I'm so frustrated. I've been trying so hard and it seems like no matter what my marks keep going down... And the sad thing is that for the past 3 years, I've managed quite consistent grades and now, it's my last year in high school...when the grades really "count"...and my average is already down 3%.
And I'm having a really hard time liking my English class. My mark dropped 4% in the time span of one month! I like to know that my teachers are always putting just as much effort teaching as us, students, are learning (if not more), but it always seems like my English teacher just wants to give us work and more work to keep us busy, while she's off at a workshop with her leadership class or planning some sort of event with her leadership class...
Gahhhh! And unlike other courses, where I can find some way of working harder and bringing up my mark, I have nooooooo clue as to what to do! Even my report card doesn't say anything about how to improve...I mean, those comments are usually generic, but she didn't even bother giving a generic "this student needs to..." or "this student is encouraged to..." statement!!!
And I've been doing ALL my work and doing them ON TIME...and I actually put a lot of effort on my assignments (big or small) - maybe more time and effort than they deserve...but I mean, if you don't put 100% into something, you might as well not do it. But she only skims your page (to see if there's writing...not checking content or anything, so if hand her some random page, she probably wouldn't notice), gives you a check mark and a sticker for completion...COME ON!!! This is grade 12!!!
And she also gets us to mark each other's tests and quizzes...or the tests and quizzes of her other grade 12 English class!
*sigh*...I know...I'm ranting. *deep breaths*...It just sucks when you put in all you've got...but the results don't reflect it. And all people want is for you to put in more time and energy into everything you're doing...as if I've got the time or the energy!
Frustrated and tired,
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Sunday, October 17, 2004
This was a pic we took in front of the well-known tree and rock of MCBC on March 14 of this year...
It's crazy to think that only a li'l more than half a year ago, our church was just as it had always been - a home away from home; a place where even if you were feeling the lowest of lows, someone could always manage to make you smile; a place where you could be a fool, be yourself, and still be loved.
And well, now, the infamous tree is gone, so's the rock...and now we've got a pretty-looking brick building with a sloping roof and a cross on the top of it...with a few less people in it than we did a few weeks ago.
Don't get me wrong - I still love MCBC as much as I ever have...and really, if I had it my way, I wouldn't ever want to leave...but then, that seems to be just the problem.
It seems like, having spent most of my life here, I've grown a li'l too dependent on MCBC as my "home church," a li'l too dependent on the leaders, a li'l too dependent on the familiarlity of how things work...
In Nova Scotia, I literally cried cuz I missed home so much - and believe me when I tell you that church (as in MCBC) is a big part of life at home for me...but that's the thing...church, MCBC...not God.
For those who I e-mailed regularly during my Nova Scotia trip, you might remember that second Sunday that I there...(well third, if you count the day I arrived...)
Anyways, I had figured out means of getting to Emmanuel Baptist Church the Sunday before through some connections through a couple of the animateurs on campus and the pastor's number that they gave me...thinking that my ride knew to come pick me up like she did the week before, I woke up, ate granola bars for breakfast, and went over to the campus store parking to wait for her...
Half an hour later, I came to the conclusion that maybe she didn't know that I was waiting for her to pick me up...so I headed back to my empty room (my roommate had gone to spent the nite in someone's room) and feeling extremely disappointed at not being thorough in ensuring a ride to church, I started tearing up...
I was mad at myself (and perhaps even a li'l at God) for not managing to get to a church to worship God on a Sunday morning like I ALWAYS did...and well, I forgot that church is not the main focus of a Christian life, it's our relationship with God - which never has, and never will, depend on where you are.
By the end of that Sunday, I learned that God can be worshipped anytime, anywhere, in any language, and when even language becomes a barrier, than in spirit and in truth.
And I think after a short 3 months, I've already forgotten this important lesson God tried to teach me...We, as humans, can be so stubborn and slow to learn sometimes...
I've grown dependent on MCBC, we've all grown too dependent on MCBC...so much to the point that we've let ourselves get extremely disappointed and hurt by the leaders, and all the "aunties" and "uncles"...so much so that we feel lost and unwanting to worship when a beloved pastor leaves...so much so that we depend on human wisdom more than God.
I've been looking at the adults in this church and I've been so busy shaking my head at them that perhaps I'm being far too self-righteous...perhaps the fact that the church feels different and awkward to worship in is because I've let "church" determine how I worship...when nothing, but my relationship with God, should determine how I worship.
I know there's a few of you from WAY who read this...how many exactly, I have no clue, but the whole point of my li'l blog today (well...it's nowhere near li'l) is not to persuade you to stay or to leave MCBC - it's not about where you are worshipping God, but where you are with God.
MCBC is only one church...God may have plans for you here, but God may have bigger plans for you elsewhere...All I pray for is that we, as the youth, no matter where we are, will be examples for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
Learning,
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
Exactly 25 years ago...on October 14, 1989,
...a man by the name of Albert Mok
...and a woman by the name of Mary Lau
...promised to love each other until death do them part.
And so, my blog today is dedicated to these 2 very important people of my life (my mommy and daddy) on their silver anniversary=)
HAPPY 25TH ANNIVERSARY!!!
A tribute to love's endurance,
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004
I apologize ahead of time for any whiny-ness=P I've been sick since my dentist's appointment on Friday and yeah...I really wish I hadn't gone to school today...but hey, I'm alive and well, right? And what's even better is that it's a shortened week and tomorrow's already Wednesday!!! YAY!
But yeah...I've started researching or well, looking more in depth at the potential universities I may be applying to...not fun at all...but unfortunately, I've got to do it and get my mind set on what to do soon - or at least that's what my dad keeps telling me.
Anyhoo, I should be going to bed now...g'nite peoples...and for those who are free tomorrow nite, come to prayer meeting!!!
Tired li'l me,
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Sunday, October 10, 2004
I absolutely love this quote...I first came across it on the cover of journal at Chapters. It was one of the first quotes that inspired me to keep a collection of good quotes for future references.
I think I've got the first 2 parts of this quote down...the dancing and singing part...hehe...well, maybe not the dancing part=P I still can't get comfortable with the idea of making a fool of myself by dancing in public=P Just ask my sister, I can't dance=P hehe...
As for the last 2...I dunno how well I've got these down. "Love as though you have never been hurt before." That's a tough thing to do. I must say that in terms of "hating" people, I have trouble doing...I dunno...it takes too much unnecessary time and effort to hate someone...but if someone has hurt me, then well, I am a li'l hesitant in making myself vulnerable for another possible chance of pain.
But...I learned something today. I went to downtown to Freedomize...the speaker there spoke of Philippians 4:8, where it says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
He spoke of nobility, of Jesus being the Great Shepherd - a great example of nobility, where one is willing to give up one's life for the benefit of a mere flock of sheep...it was a lifestyle where you are constantly laying down your life for others everyday...where you no longer live your life for yourself, but simply for the good of others.
It's not just about giving up your life...cuz man, sometimes I think, if dying would solve all the world's problems, then well...no one will still be alive=S
The point is to be able to live and love the people who we find to be unloveable or unloving. The point is not just to be willing to live a life where we surrender to death itself, but death to ourselves.
It is a life where we risk safety, comfort, acceptance, in order to be something more in the bigger picture...to make a difference to the people around you...you don't have to change the world. You can just change the world of someone close to you...and that will be enough.
I really enjoyed worship this morning...It was Gilbert, Andre, Steph, Jonathan, Dan, and Kevin. They had a total jazzed-up, gospel kinda feel today...they found an old organ lying around!!! I mean, how cool is that!?! I just though it a li'l diappointing that people took so long to warm up that idea of "free-er" worship=P I mean, I was clapping and actually had to refrain from dancing and scaring the people who sat near the back of the santuary=P
I thought it was very brave of them for trying something so different...But man, I loved it! It brought life into the worship, you know? And with a few less familiar songs, you think before you sing...especially when I tend to memeorisze the lyrics of the older songs, I constantly remind myself to re-read or re-think the lyrics of the "oldies". I loved it, just wish the rest of the congregation was able to enjoy it just as much.
But yeah...today was alrite...my Sunbeam kids are soooo cute! Although Matthew is quite restless and is capapble of driving me up the wall sometimes, I must say the good outweigh the bad=) And it's cool to hear Aunite Connie tell the old children Bible stories, cuz I haven't herad them for so long and hearing it as if they were new again makes me hera it like a child again...and really understand God's love for the hearts of young innocent children.
Okay...I'm starting to see double and drift=P I should be going to bed...hehe...I'll talk to you all later=)
Tired as heck...
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Saturday, October 9, 2004
I've realized something...I'm not much of a risk-taker. I don't like the unexpected, or the unknown. I prefer to be well-informed, well-equipped for all possible situations. I don't like change...or well, I don't know how to deal with it.
There have been a lot of steady, unchanging things in my life...and now, it seems like one by one, things are...different, changed somehow...without me knowing or noticing.
But at the same time...there have been good changes. I've realized how many friendships I've built and somehow maintained...I never spend as much time as I would like to with my friends...either due to school work, church committments, family, other extra-curricular things...To be honest, I sometimes feel guilty in not spending time with friends.
I mean, haha...like many people at school would tell you, I'm a nerd (yes, I admit it) and I do my homework during lunch...every single lunch. I'm very much task-oriented...as I've realized before, but somehow, I can't break the habit...I've tried to be more open to new people I meet, especially new people at fellowship (church and school), but I just can't really get past the "Hi, what's your name? I'm Angela." deal, you know?
And when people from school talk to me, it's always, "What's the homework today?", "Did you copy down the questions?", or "Could I see your answers?"...it's like, all I'm good for is homework info=S But then again, what do I expect them to ask me?
And at church now, I try not to show it. I try not to mention it. I try not to say it. But the truth is I feel awkward at MCBC now. Even though on the surface, everything's just as it has always been - I talk to the same people, I see the same people, I work with the same people - somehow, it doesn't feel the same anymore.
It feels like people look at me differently somehow...with something in their eyes that wasn't there before...is it pity? or worry? or hope? There eyes tell me what they don't say...they expect something from me...something good, something great...but what? Why do they act differently? Why does it seem like everyone has something to say, but is just sweeping it under the rug? I can see it in their eyes...those eyes that yearn to let it all out...all the questions, the worries, the emotions. Those eyes that betray their smiles and their masks...and tell me how tired they really are.
Or maybe they look at me differently because they can see past my mask...maybe my eyes have betrayed the things I try to hide. Maybe they can see how tired I am...
And I am tired. I had my root canal cleaned and re-filled 3 times yesterday...spending a total of 2 hours with my mouth wide open...but at least I didn't have my wisdom tooth pulled and still managed to eat some Thanksgiving dinner with the WAY. But yeah...ever since last nite, I've been feeling a li'l under the weather...all congested...I've forgotten how being sick feels...I haven't felt this crappy for a while...but yeah, I don't have much to do this weekend...which is a total blessing, seeing that it's a long weekend=)
But yeah...maybe this is God's way of telling me to take a break and a breather. I better go to bed...I'm starting to get a headache.
Under the weather,
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Friday, October 8, 2004
grrr...I had typed out a blog, but my server couldn't be found...and it got lost before I saved it=P Oh well, I'll type out the important stuff first. Yesterday was my sposor kid's b-day! I know, a li'l 7-year-old Thai boy will probably never check this site, but I figured you'd be able to pray for him for me...and wish him a blessed 8th year of life=) Also, today is Jen's 17th b-day! Happy b-day, Jen! Other than that, I'm just gonna leave this at that...need to get some sleep=P
I'll try my best to update a few times on the weekend...maybe I'll have enough time to "sort" things out...
Laters!
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Thursday, October 7, 2004
I went to prayer meeting today. Andy did the sharing today...using Psalm 143. Honestly, we read through all 12 verses twice (once as a group and then Andy read it out loud), and nothing spoke to me...not even all the analysis everyone gave about the chapter...all except verse 8. It stuck out and no matter how much I tried to concentrate on the other verses, my eyes kept drifting back to that one verse.
It reminded me of the quote I read from The Alchemist..."Let the morning bring me word if your unfailing love..." God is faithful; just like the sun rising every morning, He will pull us through. And when we find ourselves (like King David) lost and hiding in the dark for hours upon hours...worn and weary, broken and exhausted by the injustices of this world, know that all we need to do is wait it out for another few hours before we can experience the bright hope of dawn.
All we need to do is have enough faith to wait it out...everything in God's perfect time...Sounds easy enough, but it's tough to do. Waiting is something we, humans, are not very good at=P
I really want to write on and on and on...I probably could too...but I've got jazz choir tomorrow morning at 7:45am and I should really get some sleep. I can't wait for the long weekend...I'll need most of it to recover from getting my wisdom tooth pulled out, but I'll be glad to be bed-ridden for a bit...*sigh*...isn't it sad that the time I get a break is when I've gotta get a tooth pulled? (wait, don't answer that=P)
Tired...(can you tell?)
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Monday, October 4, 2004
Eeeks! I got off school at 12pm today (half day=P), got onto a transit bus at 12:25pm, finished lunch and got onto another transit bus at 1:20pm...got home around 2pm-ish?...and yet...I managed to come on the computer to scan a couple pics and re-organize some of the files on my computer and now it's 4:18!!! Man...I really to work on this time management thing...and the sad thing is, I actually have quite a bit of homework to make up fo rthe lack of class work today=S So, yeah...guess I'm gonna leave you with this...I forgot about this until Saturday, when David was skimming through a notebook I had been writing in on a bus ride to school:
Crossroad
Left, right, forward, or back the way I came
It’s early morning and the fog has rolled in
I’ve seen so many other crossroads before
Yet standing alone here again makes me feel small
But eventually I’ll have to choose a path
As I stand here at the crossroad
Yeah...It was really foggy that morning...and while I was standing at my bus stop, I was reminded of Nova Scotia...and yeah, felt kinda poetic=P Anyhoo, gotta go get that homework done...plus, I've got a calculus test tomorrow=S
Work, work, work...
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Sunday, October 3, 2004
Actually, I did hear that quote from Paula a few times before, but I believed she was quoting from someone else...whom I can't recall=P So...unknown it shall remain...until I figure out who it was that originally said it=P
But yeah...unfortunately, prayer has never really seemed to be too big of a priority in MCBC. Alan peeked into the prayer room on Friday and asked what "a thousand people" were doing crammed into the small room...well, praying. Makes sense, doesn't it?
And it hit me, that if we, as a church, are surprised to see people praying in our prayer room, that's pretty sad...I mean, if prayer really is the heartbeat of the church, our church is dying. I mean...I've actually managed (by the grace of God) to go to the prayer meetings consistently since last summer...and man...it's quite sad to have an average of 8 people at each meeting!
And yeah...I was having a LOT of trouble concentrating on the sermon today...I usually take notes, but there weren't too many things I wanted to write down. And well, instead of doodling stuff that's being said (a visual aid in attempt to keep my mind focused), like I usually would when trying to concentrate on the sermon, I began writing phrases down...which eventually turned into a poem-ish thing=P
Can't You See?
Can't you see
All the screaming
"Love your neighbour as yourself"
After a whole week since the episode at church...I can't find any words to really describe what I felt except for: sadness, pity, disappointment, confusion, fear, and shame. It gave me a taste of what I would imagine Jesus' crucificixion to have been like - the anger and...hatred...that people were capable of showing towards each other...the people they were supposed to love...in the sanctuary that was devoted to praising the God who came to die on a cross for us...yet there was the cross in front of the whole congregation - a symbol of love, grace, forgiveness...the opposite of everything we were demonstrating.
I felt sad that the people I look up to in our church couldn't see...I felt pity for our congregation that had recited together that morning about the need to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, yet 4 hours later, were able to be treating each other in the manner that we did. I was disappointed by it...
I was confused by all the legalities of the issue...confused about how something like this could happen so close to home. I was confused as to why humans are capable of so much hate.
I wish I had gone up to say something...a chorus from "One Voice", a passage from the Bible, our memory verse from Colossians, a simple prayer...something that might have brought the congregation back into focus of God, Jesus and the church's mission of evangelism, love and grace.
But fear got the best of me...I questioned myself: Am I naive to think I can make a difference? Will they let me speak? Will they hear me out? Will they listen? Will they see the pain they're causing each other?...to themselves, to their children?
To be honest, I felt ashamed of the leaders of our church, of everyone sitting in that room, of MCBC...but most of all, I was ashamed of me...that I sat there like everyone else and did nothing, but cry my eyes out.
And, somehow, I claim I Timothy 4:12 to be my favourite quote...so much for that...
Hanging on to Him
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Friday, October 1, 2004
Sometimes, it seems like everything worth saying has been said before. It's Friday, and I don't feel like writing too much...seeing that it's the end of a week of school and I've got fellowship tonite...so yeah...just wanna rest my head.
So, yes...everything that's been going through my head shall be expressed as quotes I've read before.
Have you ever noticed that "we commit the Golden Rule to memory and forget to commit it to life," (unknown) that "it is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love one's neighbor" (Eric Hoffer)?
Josiah W. Bailey once said that, "They who forgive most, shall be most forgiven." And even better said (by Henry Ward Beecher) is: "‘I can forgive but I cannot forget,’ is only another way of saying, ‘I cannot forgive.’"
I'm struggling to refrain from judging people I see...but "life has taught me to forgive much, but to seek forgiveness still more" (Otto von Bismarck), because "a wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the true value of time, and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain." (Samuel Johnson).
Our world is seriously lacking in reconciliation...I guess that's what I've realized these past few months.
Speechless,
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Check out the blogs from...
2005,
December,
November, October, September, August, July, June, May, April, March, February, January,
or 2003!
Return to the Dog House!
