Side Order of Ninjas

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This roundtable, Monsters under my bed, has been the most difficult topic to chose. I'm sure there a lot of movies that freaked me out when I was kid. The big problem is I can't remember any for sure and didn't start watching b-movies or scary movies until I was sort of older. So, I'm going to fudge a little on it by trying to think of a movie that has a scene that is simply unforgettable that were indelibly burnt into my brain. I do have few movies I'll mention before really trying to stay on subject.

Well, V would take too much time to do unless planned well in advance. V had the scene where the Resistance pulled the mask off one of Visitors and screamed how the Visitors are trying to kill us all. That shot with the lizard faced alien has been impossible for me to forget since I saw it in 1st grade. The final thought against it is how great I thought it was. Another movie like that is Galaxy of Terror. Just remembered a few scenes from watching it on satellite television more than 20 years ago and took some online searching before stumbling across a good enough description for me to be sure it was the movie. Galaxy of Terror would also require me ordering it which would cut into my miniscule budget. So, I needed something else and it to be cheaper.

When I was a 6 or 7 year old SideOrderOfNinjas, I knew absolutely nothing about George Romero or Stephen King at that point. I just knew that Creepshow had several stories in it including the cockroach one. A few scenes have stuck in my head from Creepshow. You can't really tell how bad that story freaked me out. The infamous Cockroach story is normally not even showed when the movie pops up on basic cable.

There was time when Stephen King could seem to do no wrong. Younger of my ten of fans may have a hard to believing that. After Children of the Corn got up 7 movies or making a sequel to the Mangler, his movie adaptations have been panned fairly regularly ever since Maximum Overdrive or as a friend dubbed it "the one movie where Lisa Simpson screams Curtisssssssssssssssssssssss for hour and an half." His first few novels started to get him some fame and slowly Hollywood came calling. Carrie and the Shining showed that movies could be taken from novels. King and George Romero were trying to get a movie version of the Stand made in the late 70s. Well, that plan fell apart. They still wanted to do some movie and eventually came up with the idea for Creepshow.

It had been years since I watched Creepshow. The gore isn't as gruesome as I remember it. As a kid, this was some of the freakiest stuff imaginable to me. However, that was before Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson splatterstick. I've not really been a gorehound and was one of the last kids my age to start watching things like the Nightmare on Elm Street series. Well, those days are long in the past. Not that sheltered as kid, I do remember a couple of the Sword and Sandals from the early 80s like Sword and Sorceror.

Creepshow is an tribute to the old EC horror comics like Tales from the Crypt, Haunt of Fear, and Vault of Terror. Those comics had movie adaptations in the early 70s. Stephen King has always had a deep love of them and so does George Romero. The late 80s and early 90s before the infamous comic book crash, I had read most of the EC reprints that came out. I never was that impressed with the horror comics from EC. Yes, I do understand how graphic they were at that time and still were fairly explicit compared to the standard comics I did read. Tales from the Crypt is probably best known for its HBO series, the very short lived Saturday morning cartoon, or the "Tales from the Crypt" movies: Demon Knight and Bordello of Blood.

The morality tales are a little hard to gather. They don't follow the Scream rules. The EC horror tales seem to have villains being punished after killing the kindly folks. Granted, that isn't always the case. A lot of them fall that standard. "Father's Day" has the corpse of Nathan get revenge on those responsible for and benefitted from his death. The Jordy Verrill story seems to be more of the person inexplicably trapped by a cosmic accident far beyond his power and imagination. "Something to Tide You over" seems to be the more standard EC horror story. Jealous husband kills wife and her lover who return to exact revenge on him. "The Crate" doesn't seem to have the EC horror vibe. It seems more to have been included for being a popular Stephen King story. "They're Creeping up on You" is probably the closest to the old EC black humor for their ironic endings.

"The Crate" was definitely the best story. It was the longest at being 30 minutes. If it were adapted into a movie on its own, I could see how it would drag. Adrienne Barbeau played the uber-beeeyotch wife to perfection. Fritz Weaver had to play the professor who keeps sounding like is going to have a complete nervous breakdown after seeing 2 people mauled to death by the creature. A lot of movies would make him the hero. Hal Holbrook is the ultimate henpecked husband. However, he still dreams of some way to escape "Billie." The death fantasies seem like something William Castle would have had in House on Haunted Hill. The entire plan to lure Billie would be laughable. However, during the reading of letter, we see she is more interested in seeing how much of mess Fritz is in than anything else.

The movie has each tale open and end as being shown in comic book art from Berni Wrightson. We see the Creepshow comic book has those old ads with sending off to learn how to be strong enough not to get sand kicked in your fce at the beach, etc...Several places through the story will have screen cuts in old school comic book style. Remember the edits between scenes in Ang Lee's the Hulk? Imagine that done as not fancy but more from the 50s, 60s style comic books or the old Batman series would be a good description of the screen wipes.

This doesn't have hardly anything to do with the movie. Although, I do have some other childhood memories other than the emotional scarring of the cockroach attack. Creepshow is one of the movies I remember playing as kid. I refused to play Adrienne Barbeau in the crate monster story. We settled on just having a pair of shoes that represented her.

I know how mainstream movie fans of latched on to George Romero for Night of the Living Dead. It is hard to see Creepshow as coming from the same director as Dawn of the Dead. Romero hasn't really been that busy trying to do much over the past decade or so. OK, the horror fans of the worl have been waiting for his 4th "Dead" movie. Land of the Dead is coming and hopefully won't delayed anymore.

The violence is more implied and to help amp up the shocker ending each tale is to have. Each story has the twist ending with the shocking special effect at that point. Tom Savini was at this point considered about the best gore effects artist in the world after Dawn of the Dead and Friday the 13th. The effects weren't attempted to be realistic but the "Ghasty" Graham Engles type of shock. The "Father's Day" story just has the rotting corpse and the head cake. The Jordy Verrill one has Stephen King slowly turn into a plant and blow his green moldy head off. The Ted Danson buried to his neck story had the puetrifying corpses chasing after Leslie Nielsen. They are shot several times and just ooze. It doesn't stop them. The "Crate" focused more on the monster than blood. The creature was like the Tasmanian Devil and the spinning monster from the Twilight Zone: the Movie. The cockroach massacre doesn't seem as bad as I remembered it. Well, roaches have disgusting factor to them. If you were grossed by the bug scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, the roaches eating their way out of the guy would at best be unnerving if not downright revolting.

These really aren't characters with depth. They are more just the standard EC Comic archetypes: the murderous and jealous spouse, the avenging corpse, etc...A lot of can be said about how they were crude and crass, just mean spirited morality tales, or even "hep" as the 50s kids might have said. However, those comics never had deep characterizations that made them seem human. Well, do you know many baseball teams that disembowel and dismember a guy from the opposing team that poisoned their star player and then play baseball with the body parts?

The cast is pretty impressive: Ed Harris, Ted Danson, Leslie Nielsen, Adrienne Barbeau, Tom Atkins, and Hal Holbrook. While the cast isn't A-list. It is far more competent bunch of actors than what most horror movies have. The slasher movies of the early 80s may have had one older actor for the parental figure or a sheriff. Most of the horror movies had a bunch of early 20-something-year-olds as teenagers. Who survived such movies? Jamie Lee Curtis (several movies in fact), Kevin Bacon(the arrow scene from Friday the 13th), Crispin Glover (George McFly), and few others. Most of them made a couple of movies before quitting.

"The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill" seems like combining the farmer touching the blob and Lovecraft's "Colour of Outer Space." Stephen King won't ever be considered a great actor. However, he can do a goofy hick and seems to give more depth to Jeff Foxworthy's redneck jokes in the process. It is hard to actually think he was given a role not a cameo. Of course, it includes a Castle Rock reference, too.

Creepshow 2 never caught my imagination as much as the original. It just wasn't as memorable. In fact, Stephen King has doen more anthologies like Cat's Eye. Granted him tying several short stories together by just having a cat run across the screen isn't a good plot connection. Well, another story of his wound up in the Tales From the Darkside Movie. Would it be safe to say that all those horror anthology movies wouldn't have been made without Creepshow being done first?

Point to Ponder:

Ed Harris stars in a story with an Aunt Bedelia. He also starred in Stephen King's Needful Things and costarred with Bonnie Bedelia. Pointless trivia is so important.

Creepshow (1982)


Cast:

Hal Holbrook is Professor Henry Northrup
Adrienne "Swamp Thing's main squeeze" Barbeau isWilma "Billie" Northrup
Fritz Weaver is Dexter Stanley
Leslie "Captain from Naked Space" Nielsen is Richard Vickers
Carrie Nye is Sylvia Grantham
Ed "I was in Needful Things" Harris is Hank
Stephen "Hasn't he written a couple of books? " King is Jordy Verill
Tom "The 'Thrill Me' Detective Night of the Creeps" Atkins is Stan, the evil Dad


What the box says:

Two macabre masters - writer Stephen King and director George A. Romero - conjure up five shocking yarns, each a virtuso exercise in the ghouls-and-gags style of classic '50s horror comics. A murdered man emerges from the grave for Father's Day cake. A meteor's ooze makes everything grow. A professor selectshis wife as a snack for a crated creature. A scheming musband plants two lovers up to their necks in terror. A malevolent millionaire with an insect phobia becomes the prey of a cockroach army. Add the spirited performances of a fine cast (Hal Holbrook, Adrienne Barbeau, Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, E.G. Marshall, and King himself) and the ghoulish makeup wizardy of Tom Savini. Let the Creepshow begin!


Plot:

The movie opens on night near Halloween. Stan, the father of the year, is yelling at his son for reading a filthy comic book. The kid retaliates by mentioning his dad’s collection of porn magazines. Well, the kid gets a taste of hand for his trouble. Stan throws the comic, Creepshow, out.

The kid is sulking in his room and angry that his comic book got trashed. Suddenly, a rotting corpse is floating outside the window. The kid isn’t disturbed at all by this. In fact, he gets a great big grin on his face. The Creepkeeper turns animated as the credits roll.

The first tale is “Father’s Day.” Rich white folks ensue: Aunt Sylvia, Richard, Cass, Hank. He is told about Aunt Bedelia who killed her father. Nathan, Bedelia’s father, was nursed by her. One day, she had found a boyfriend. The charming Nathan had the boyfriend murdered. She snapped and bashed his head in with an ashtray.

The family wasn’t bothered by it. They finally got their shares of Nathan’s estate. Every Father’s Day, Bedelia returns and pays her respects at Nathan’s grave.

A flashback shows Nathan demanding his cake when Bedelia snaps.

She is sitting at the grave and rages at him. Sylvia helped to hide the murder to make it look like an accident. Suddenly, a hand pops out of the ground. Zombie Nathan still wants his cake and strangles her.

Back at the house, Cass and Hank, her husband, are bringing down the funk in the only way early 80s disco danced to by white folks can. They are waiting for Bedelia to arrive for dinner.

Hank goes outside for a smoke break and then checks the creepy graveyard. He falls into a large hole and finds Bedelia’s body right beside him. A heavy tombstone falls and crushes his head. Zombie Nathan is on the move.

Cass, Richard, and Sylvia are still waiting. Sylvia will look for Hank, Cass’s husband. She heads through the kitchen and spots bloody footprints. The dead cook stops Sylvia when Zombie Nathan kills her.

Cass and Richard are left alone. She convinces him to look for her husband. They go through the kitchen and see the footprints. Zombie Nathan has Sylvia’s head decorated for his Father’s Day cake as the story ends.

The second story is the “Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill.” A meteor crashes in a field beside Jordy’s house. Rushing out to it, he touches it. He fantasizes about selling the meteor to the college for big bucks. His fingers are starting to blister.

Deciding the meteor needs to be cooled off; he pours a bucket of water on it which causes the rock to spit apart. A strange blue liquid is dumped into the crater. Jordy goes back inside.

Watching some wrestling that has Vince McMahon announcing, he sees that the white blisters are now some sort green mold. He has another fantasy where the doctor will have to amputate the fingers.

Quickly growing green plants start growing all over the place.

Jordy keeps scratching as the mold keeps grows. Looking outside, he spots the plants outside.

Later, he readies bath. The ghost of Jordy’s father appears and warns him the plant wants the water. Jordy realizes he’s a dead man no mater what. Bathing Stephen King ensues. This is as close to Stephen King nude scene as any of the deviants would want.

In the morning, we see the plants have grown even more around the farm. Jordy is completely covered in the mold. He gets the shotgun, and hopes his luck is good for once. A blown head later, we see the plants are still growing and getting close to the nearby town of Castle Rock.

We get to see page of ads in the comic book with the order form cut out. We get the third tale “Something to Tide You Over.”

Harry Wentworth lets Richard in the house. Either they talk or Becky gets hurt. It turns out that Richard’s wife, Becky, was cheating with Harry. She just wants a divorce and will go off with Harry. However, Richard always keeps what belongs to him. He is a bit possessive.

Richard plays an audio tape of Becky pleading for Harry to save her. Harry threatens Richard. However, if something happens to him, Harry will never find Becky.

They drive to a private beach owned by Richard. They go a hole dug in the sandy beach. Richard draws a gun and has Harry get in it and cover himself with sand. By the time, it is over. Harry is up to his neck in sand.

Richard returns and sets up a television. The trapped Harry can see how Becky is buried up to her neck as the tide is coming in. There is a chance they might be able to survive and even escape. Harry will have to hold his breath as the waves crash against him. Becky cries for Harry.

Richard returns to his nearby mansion to watch the Harry and Becky broadcasts. He is getting a big kick out of his private snuff movies. Harry swears vengeance on him. Submerged Ted Danson ensues…

Later, Richard retrieves the television from the beach. He is positive the current pulled Harry to the ocean.

That night, Richard thinks he hears something. We see a guy skulking about the mansion. Showering Leslie Nielsen ensues.

The front door opens as we see shadows. Richard goes to investigate the noise carrying a gun. He opens the door and is shocked to see the decomposing corpses of Harry and Becky. Bullets are no use against them. They have a hole all ready for Richard.

He locks himself in the bathroom. How did the corpses manage to teleport in there? They grab the hysterical Richard.

On the beach, we see Richard buried up to his neck as the tide comes in, and the story ends.

The next story is the “Crate.” Mike the janitor discovers a mysterious crate under a set of stairs in the college science building.

At a faculty party, Wilma AKA Billie chews out her husband Henry. The drunken Billie is able to quickly offend everyone at the party.

Mike calls Professor Dexter, Henry’s friend, about the crate. It is from an 1834 Arctic expedition.

Henry fantasizes about giving Billie a lead transfusion directly to her forehead. Everyone at the party politely golf claps afterwards. The henpecked Henry is brought pack to reality by the screeching Billie.

Dexter and Mike see how tightly chained up the crate is. They carry it to the nearby lab to open it.

Billie has Henry clean the house. The thoroughly whipped Henry fantasizes about strangling her.

Finally, Mike and Dexter get the crate open. The janitor quickly sticks his hand in the crate. Unfortunately, the creature gets good taste for hand and arm. The ugly creature gets out and finishes off Mike as Dexter watches in disgust.

He runs out and into the returning Charlie, a graduate student.

The monster drags the crate back down the hallway under the staircase.

Charlie calms Dex down and will take a look for himself. Dexter is sure the blood will convince Charlie of everything. The grad student thinks that Dex pulled a Jason Voorhees on the janitor. The crate is gone.

Under the stairs, Charlie sees Mike’s body. While Dexter tries warning him, Charlie wants to get a better look, especially when the creature attacks and kills him.

Dexter runs off again and shock. This time, he gets to Henry’s house. Dexter rambles on with his incoherent story. He comes up with the idea of dropping the crate into the quarry. Henry spikes Dexter’s drink and locks him in the study. Henry goes into action.

Henry heads to the building where the creature is and finds the bloodstains on the floor.

Billie returns home.

Henry starts cleaning the blood up.

Billie finds a note written by Henry. It claims that Dexter has gotten into some trouble with a female grad student and attacked her. Henry needs Billie to help. She heads to the college as Henry finishes up his cleaning.

Henry hears her arrive in the building. He wants her to see how bad it is for herself, and he starts laughing. The girl is under the stairs and won’t come out. Henry gets Billie close enough and pushes her under the stairs trying to get the monster to eat her.

No monster attacks the shrew. Billie starts chewing Henry off again. Suddenly, the creature devours her.

Henry goes upstairs to get sick. Later, he returns to lock the chains on the crate.

Henry takes the crate out of the building and dropped it in the quarry.

The next morning, Dexter and Henry ponder what to do. Dexter won’t talk. As they start to play chess, they wonder what if it gets out of the crate. Henry is sure it will have drowned.

Cue the crate, the creature is quite alive and trapped.

The final tale is “They’re Creeping up on You.”

Upson Pratt, the germaphobic billionaire who makes Howard Hughes in his later years seem normal, removes his surgical mask. He lives in germ proof apartment and thoroughly despises bugs.

Upson somehow makes Montgomery Burns on the Simpsons seem like a caring man. Anyways, Upson has resumed his holy war to get rid of the roaches. Slowly, he stalks them down.

A woman whose husband committed suicide after Upson took over his company calls and is completely distraught. The closest Upson gets to an emotion is acting like he is playing a violin for his heart bleeds for her.

The bug-hating billionaire keeps finding more bugs in his apartment.

White, the building handyman, comes by. He is ordered to get the exterminators there soon or else.

Upson keeps ranting about how bugs keep crawling up on you if you don’t stop them.

The power starts to cuts out, and roaches start crawling out of the drain, vent, etc…Finally, the lights go out.

The roaches are everywhere. He calls the police who are busy and hang up on him. Police have robberies and things to be more worried about than crazy guys calling about roaches.

Upson learns that White is trapped in the elevator. More roaches flood the germ-proof apartment.

Upson gets in his emergency germ-fallout shelter and vows vengeance on the bugs.

Seeing the mattress pulsate, Upson learns the germ escape shelter is filled with roaches and seems to have a heart attack. The roaches swarm all over him.

The power comes back on. White tries to get Upson on the PA system to no avail.

We see Upson in the shelter. The roaches burrow out of him…

We return to the real world or as close to one not portrayed in a comic book. Two trashmen pick up the Creepshow comic book. They spot an ad for a voodoo doll that has been already used.

Stan is having breakfast. Apparently, he didn’t get much sleep and talks about pains in his neck.

Billy is up in his room using the genuine voodoo to get revenge for having his comic book tossed in the garbage.


What I say:

Rogue Reviewers Roundtable

3 NINJAS

Quotable Dialogue

"Those ones under your underwear. Those sex books."
"Pass the scones."
"Jordy Verrill, you lunkhead."
"Maiden-fair is waiting for her knight in shining corduroy."
"Frankly, that tobacco he smokes makes me want to ralph."
"They's think you'd been on helluva toot."
"Poison meat."
"Well, I can't fire him, can I?"
"Bugs got your tongue?"


Morals of the Story

Old women love to smoke cigarillos.
Old women love downing Jim Bean in a cemetary.
Ed Harris is the most effective disco machine in 1982.
Never light a match off a marble angel in a cemetary.
Zombies are telekinetic.
Doctors use meat cleavers for amputations.
People quickly decompose and mummify when being underwater for a few hours.