Plot:
Credits roll.
At a ferry station in Hong Kong, a lady brings flowers to Wong Fei Hung AKA Jet Li from his aunt
I love flowers
Three guys want tickets. The ticket seller realizes they are wanted criminals and refuses to sell the tickets to them. He is pulled through his booth. Kung Fuin' ensues. These three criminals belong to the Boxer Society and are quickly surrounded.
They grab some hostages. Unfortunately, Jet Li is one of the hostages. Not for long as Jet starts kicking them because he doesn't want to mess up his flowers and he is holding a baby, too...Jet gets the baby back to his mother. The three Boxer guys start channeling various gods. Well, Jet finishes them off with very little effort.
At Jet's martial arts academy, we get some comical kung fu. The landlord is unhappy with the school and is raising the rent so much to force them outof his building.
At, the docks, a man and his daughter are looking for some monks. They will be important later on in the movie. But, I don't remember hearing their names. So, the man will be Ward. His daughter was given name nearly an hour into the movie, Ti Yin-er. Or so the subtitles tell me.
Jet's bumbling sidekicks, Ah-fu and Ah-so, are looking for another place to rent for the school. One of the sidekick's cousins, Robert, who is extremely happy in the 1890s term of the word, offers to help them. He offers Ah-fu and Ah-so some brandy to drink. They accept the offer enthusiastically. They think they've drunk themselves blind when the power goes off. When the lights come back on, they see a girl thinking the booze is doing it they start chugging the bottle. She disappears. And, let’s call him, Jimmy appears. The sidekicks think he is ghost.
Jimmy is the client of the cousin. He has his three sisters with him. Jimmy is also something of a pimp. When Jimmy learns that Jet is looking for a new location for the martial arts school, he almost trips over himself offering them a good price if they will teach him kung fu. Jet agrees and now has a new school. But, he runs off to meet some military officer,
We learn that Jet is head of the local militia. What militia needs guns if Jet Li is the leader? Well, the military officer, lets call him General Mayhem, seems a platoon or two shy of a battalion. Somehow, Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe doesn't seem so incompetent compared to this nut job. They bring in some robber who is supposed to be an expert in Kung Fu. The robber is this mean looking guy in stocks and chains. After he is taunted by the military officer, the robber breaks out of the stocks and the chains. General Mayhem begs Jet to take care of things.
Jet Li does a good job of kicking the robber while he is sitting in the chair. Imagine Jackie Chan not trying to do his stunts comically, it's kind of like that. Some guard helps to subdue the prisoner. Jet leaves. We learn that General Mayhem isn't a complete idiot. He wants to get rid of Jet Li. Well, threatening Jet Li isn'thigh on the sanity checklist. But, inversely, threatening Jet Li is high on the Death Wish checklist.
Jet Li is appointed chairman on some morality committee. Several times in the movie, we've seen people offer to buy Jet Li a drink which he turns down. He has made a promise to his father not to drink. Will, this be a plot point? A vision of Jet Li practicing Chinese Drunken Boxing comes to mind. Back to the movie. Jet, Ah-fu, and Ah-so are going to watch a Kung Fu demonstration.
Yes, Neo, I will tell you what the matrix is
Ward and Ti Yin-er are going to do a Kung Fu demonstration. A few guys get grabby with Ti Yin-er. Well, Ti Yin-er shows them she is no shrinking violet and unloads the full loaf of Kung Fu of them. The spear sequence has to be seen. Mere words of mine would ruin how cool it is. Jet, who is in the audience, keeps a guy from stabbing Ti Yin-er in the back. Jet volunteers to help them anyway he can. Ward turns him down.
At night in the Nun-Yan temple, Ward and Ti Yin-er are following a man. A group of guys kick some woman. Secret Leader of something is brought to the temple in a litter. General Mayhem is waiting for Secret Leader. Ward and Ti Yin-er sneak into the room. Secret Leader realizes they're being spied on. An iron claw pulls Ward into the open. Ti Yin-er is going to unleash some serious Kung Fu. But, Ward stalls long enough for Ti Yin-er to escape.
Ti Yin-er tries to get to Jet's school. She tells them what is going on. At the Nun-Yat temple, the monks capture girls and sell them as prostitutes to foreign countries. Ti Yin-er's little sister was caught 2 years ago. Ward and Ti Yin-er had been following the trail for years.
Ah-fu, Ah-so, and Jimmy are planning to attack the temple without Jet. They sneak into the temple as a couple about to be married. What martial arts movie is complete without a cross dressing guy? The monks have some kind of good luck blessing for couples if they stay overnight at the temple.
Miss Nine, who went to the temple with Ah-Fu and Ah-So, is lying down and is gassed. A couple of guys come to sneak a peek. But, Jimmy strikes. Ah-Fu and Ah-So join in as well. The ne'er-do-wells run away of course.
At the martial arts school, Jet and his uncle find out that Ah-Fu and Ah-So are gone. Ti Yin-er makes it back to tell Jet about what is going on at the temple. The fight starts turning bad for our little band of heroes until Jet appears to save the day. He goes to save Miss Nine.
My words fail to describe the insane Kung Fu battle on a suspension bridge. A giant red flower starts flying around the room. Some wily priest fights Jet...Serious wire-fu.
General Mayhem shows up. Ti Yin-er and Ward are in the shadows and want to know why Jet likes Mayhem. Unfortunately, Jet doesn't know that General Mayhem is evilllll. Ward and Ti Yin-er sneak away. It turns out that the head of the temple contacted Mayhem, told him Jet showed up andstarted trashing the temple.
The arraignment isn't going to well. The judge would have thrown the book at Jet. Except in his chambers, a bunch of people that support Jet offer to put up the bail and if he doesn't get bail to bring the English into the mess. Well, Jet is out on bail and will have to go to trial later.
The evil monks get someone at the martial arts school to poison Jet. It looks like he spills the poison, but some of it is put into his tea.
The Lion Dance is being performed. In a lot of movies you've seen the street dances with guys wearing a dragon costume; well this is what the Lion Dance is.
You swear that there is no film in the camera
Well, a group of guys in cockroach interrupt the Lion Dance. The subtitles originally call it a cockroach. Then, it magically becomes a centipede, which apparently has a flamethrower built into it.
The centipede is made from a very hard substance as its tail can cut through wood posts, etc...The centipede gets the piñata hanging thing from the pole. Apparently, they have won. We learn that Jet is going deaf. The head monk from the Nun-Yan temple has committed suicide.
The martial arts school has been declared property of the government and is being closed. General Mayhem is acting well like himself which would anger any self-respecting martial arts student. Jet is going to leave the city and go to someplace in the country to hopefully regain his hearing,
Jet is wandering through the country. He stops at a farmhouse. Ti Yin-er attacks him. Ward stops her. They want to know what he is doing. After, Jet explains he is deaf. Ward volunteers to help try him regain his hearing. Both of them are studying the problem. Acupuncture seems to be what they think will work the best. If you ever wanted to see Jet Li with pins in his head, this is the scene for you.
As, Jet is outside remembering the Lion Dance that was interrupted by the Centipede dancers, he looks at the chicken coop. The chickens are scratching around in the dirt. Jet then notices one of the chickens fighting a centipede. Never has the light bulb of an idea shown brighter than at this moment.
In the marketplace, Jimmy and his sister, Miss Nine, please no jokes about her first name being sixty, have fallen on hard times. Jimmy has lost most of his property. A group of ladies taunt Jimmy the pimp. Somebody starts taunting him, so he strikes the first blow. It turns out it is a military officer. The officers have been ordered to harass Jimmy.
Jimmy and his sister realize a good time to get out of Dodge would be now. Jimmy has a little gold stashed in the martial arts school that was closed. Sneaking into the building and hearing someone coming, they hide. It turns out to be a couple of the evil monks. The monks are looking for an escaped girl. Well, she has hidden with Jimmy and Nine. She wants them to save the other girls. Jimmy, being even more comedic relief than Ah-fu and Ah-so, decides to investigate. He hears the plans of the bad guys. Plan to kill Jet to keep him from interfering. They want to kidnap an English man and hold him hostage until the Boxers captured at the beginning of the movie are released.
Monks catch Jimmy. They beat him. If Jimmy will curse Jet, he will live. Jimmy refuses. So, they beat him some more. It doesn't look good for our favorite Kung Fu studying pimp until Ah-fu and Ah-so come to save him. Now they fight the evil bald red wearing bad guy. This is a pretty good fight. Finally, it looks like they use the Dim Mok, the death touch. For all I know it could be the Vulcan Death Grip. Well, they all go off to warn Jet.
Ah-fu and Ah-so are carrying Jimmy. Nine is with them. Jimmy wants Jet warned. He has a big secret to tell, too. Ah-fu and Ah-so stop him from telling it. They actually say if someone is seriously injured in this film and have a secret they will die after telling it. I hate to give a movie for coolness points for dodging a cliché like that. But, it deserves it.
Ti Yin-er is talking with Jet. It is like how good looking he is, expert Kung Fu master, etc...Because, Jet is still deaf. Ward gives him some herbs that will completely cure his deafness. Ti is pretty embarrassed when she realizes that Jet heard everything she said. Ah-fu and everybody warn Jet, tell him what is happening.
The bad guys attack. Archers are used as the first wave. Not just one archer but a fairly decent amount of them. The bad guys are trying to use weapons that negate Jet's skills. Everyone gets in the farmhouse. Jimmy tells Jet about how the Boxers want to kidnap an English guy to get their people back. As Jimmy lays dying, wants Jet to accept him as a student. Jet accepts him.
The archers come closer to the house. Jet starts doing his super kung fu. Catching a bunch of arrows and throwing them at the archers and killing several that way. Archers tried to use the distance to keep Jet out of striking distance. Jet is in their midst and unleashes his Kung Fu.
Heading for town, for a rematch with the centipede. The centipede is dancing around the arena and doing some pretty cool acrobatics, etc...
Some English guards keep Ah-fu and the rest out. Jimmy is now in a wheelchair, has to have some pretty good recuperative abilities. Friendly cousin, Robert, hears their story and agrees to warn the English guy. Robert, who doesn't seem so effeminate, tells the English guards they are evil and need to be watched.
The centipede is balancing on a ladder. It is getting close to the piñata thing on the pole which has a startling resemblance to a head of lettuce. About to grab it when, a flying red thing grabs it first. This is where you spent the money people. Jet Li dressed as a chicken. He has a chicken cowl with a metal beak. On his feet, he has metal things to simulate chicken feet. Jet is carrying two large round wooden shields for wings.
The people in the centipede decide to kidnap the guy now. Jet fights them. And for some reason, the sound of chicken clucking is being played during this fight. Well, that is a given at this point. The centipede tries the flame thrower which Jet manages to destroy.
The fight continues. Jet uses the razor sharp metal beak of his cowl to pierce the shell of the centipede. The centipede is broken into several pieces. The centipede guys grab swords and attack Jet.
A man goes after the English guy. Ah-fu and the rest escape the English guards. The kidnapping is stopped by Ti Yin-er. She has to fight a flock of Boxers. Jet is fighting a group of guys. Jet removes the chicken cowl. I know mentioning removing the chicken cowl isn't important. But, how many times can you say Jet Li takes off his chicken cowl? Too few times in this life.
Jet now has to fight General Mayhem. It seems kind of typical until it gets into the scaffolding of the building. Which is pretty sweet. Jet uses his finishing kick. But, it doesn't stop Mayhem. Mayhem is wearing chain mail. He expected the kick and the chain mail broke some of Jet's toes so he can't use the kick again.
In the building, Jet sees several jugs, he grabs one and starts to chug the contents. Mayhem is a little worried about this. Like Popeye and his spinach. Jet and his wine. Jet is using Chinese Drunken boxing. We learn why Jet took a vow not to drink. He kills when using Drunken Boxing. Get to see many fighting combos. Mayhem cries after he knows he's been defeated. Jet and everyone walk off ninja-cool....
True dat G, straight out of Canton
