Plot:
An army truck pulls up for supplies that are loaded into it. 4 generals are present more on them in a minute. The base is attacked. The generals are arguing about
the Japanese forces in Canada. Note: before this movie is over Japanese in Canada will be the most logical thing in this movie. These generals are arguing
where the Japanese are. The Japanese storm the base capturing the French, American, English, and African generals. The Japanese officer is surprised to have
captured such an important group of officers.
| Name | Nationality |
|---|
| General Le Chreck | French |
| General Robin Forrester | England |
| General Sucarro | Africa |
| Major General Abraham Lincoln !!! | American |
A group of officers are planning to rescue the generals. But, who should lead the commando group?
| Name | Reason why rejected |
|---|
| Agent 007 | On mission in South Africa |
| Bald "Karl Malden" Detective (from Aces Go Places series) | Defected to the Enemy |
| Snake King (Snake Plissken Escape From New York) | Dead for 3 years |
| Rocky (Rocky "Italian Stallion" Balboa) | Not suitable to lead a military mission |
| Captain Black Fox (from Golden Queen Commando) | Retired |
Captain Don Wen driving his jeep one handed, machine gunning the enemy with the other. He is brought to the briefing. The planning officers think he’s not
qualified until they learn he captured the men sent to bring him to the briefing. The captured generals are in Luxemburg and are to be taken to Tokyo City in 4
days. Weren’t they captured in Canada? Captain Don Wen will form a commando group to rescue the generals. He will be disavowed if caught. Shades
of Mission Impossible.
Happy waiters, a bum looking guy is singing a musical number. This is Old Sun. No retrogressive namification
will be used in this review Old Sun is throwing money around and singing like a madman. Everyone in the restaurant is in time, too. Old Sun sees a guy with
a gun belt, who draws on him. Bubba, refugee from a 70s Blaxsploitation movie, sells his gun to Old Sun, who promptly robs the place.
In the forest, Old Sun is eating when an arrow is shot at him. It has a wanted poster on it. He surrenders by shooting a soldier in the head which turns out to a
dummy’s head on a stick. Captain Don Wen appears getting the drop on Old Sun. He has a job for him.
In a strip mine, gruel is being served. Benny is tripped, spilling his gruel. And gruel spilling is fighting offense among prisoners. Tripper gets a pick-axe. Benny
somehow gets a gun; both of them fall off a low cliff. Benny shoots his leg irons apart and escapes. The guards chase him to know avail. Later that night, Benny
stumbles across a table with at least a 3 course meal on it. Captain Don Wen captures him. Benny is better known as Grease Lightning, escape artist. He’ll be
pardoned if he does Wen’s job. Old Sun is there, too.
Michael Buffer wannabe is announcing a wrestling match: Killer from Tokyo versus the Chinatown Strongman from New York. Chinatown Strongman is Jackie
Chan. Big band is playing. Whatever Killer gets Jackie (Not going to call him Sammy) wants: chair, cigarette, cigar, etc…
Mind if Bogart some?
Match starts. Komedic wrestling. Then the actual Killer shows up. Jackie has been wrestling an imposter. Jackie wants to leave, his manager, Emily, convinces him
to wrestle Killer then win the money. Killer is too tough for Jackie who bites him in the stomach. Jackie is in big trouble. Manager wants Jackie to win the prize
money. He bashes a giant gong against Killer’s head and eventually wins.
Army rushes in, arresting everyone. Jackie and Emily bribe their way out and leave.
In a bar, a one eyed guy and tough chick named Lily are having a drinking contest. Each finishes off a glass of beer and shoots an article of clothing off the woman
tied to the wall. Sort of like the Devo video for Whip It except a bullwhip is doing the clothes removing in it. Lily uses a knife once. One eyed guy passes
out. Lily wins when a spectator realizes he’s seen the same performance a few months before. It’s a scam.
The one eyed guy who isn’t one eyed knocks the spectator out. Bar fight. Big brawl. At a cabin, Lily waits. A guy grabs her has a shotgun to her head. It’s
Billy, the sleazy white suit guy, begging to be taken back. Oh, it’s crazy conman ex-boyfriend. That explains everything. He wants one more chance, and forgets
her name. Well, he must do something right to wake up in her bed the next morning. But, Lily is gone.
Lily is tied up outside the house. Someone is shooting at Billy. Captain Don Wen captures Billy, needs him for the mission. Billy agrees to go on the mission and
leaves. Well, Lily prepares for battle, uses a bazooka to blow up her house and follows Billy.
Oriental kilt wearers are playing bagpipes: a fast speed formation drill. A jeep pulls up carrying Wen and Billy. Lily is stalking them. An alarm sounds. Lily
somehow gets Billy. Military officers call for Lily’s surrender. She grabs Billy into a jeep forces a couple of kilt wearing soldiers to drive the jeep. One jeep crash
later.
Officers are deciding what to do with Lily. When, Billy mentions the pay, Lily joins the commando group.
The commando group is traveling off to find the generals. We have music montage scene around a campfire. Lily is mad at Billy again. Everyone discusses how
they’ll spend their pay.
Jackie and Emily attack them. They rob the commandos; remember that Billy ripped them off earlier. Distracted, when Don Wen strikes, shooting the guns out
of their hands. Wen sends them off. Billy wants them dead; they’ll be after him for stealing from them.
Skinny goofy soldier has an eye for Lily. Fat goofy soldier has an eye for her, too. Old Sun is at the river. Bodies pop up from the river and out of the bushes:
ambush. Commandos drive away, chased by horse riding gunmen. Wen falls from the jeep and is killed.
Miles away, the jeep stops. Skinny goofy soldier, fat goofy soldier, Lily, Billy, Old Sun, and Grease Lightning get out. Komedy, several pointy objects in several
butts later. They all apologize. They find an abandoned village.
Scarf-wielding gymnastic flaying Amazons capture them. Leader chick jumps across the river to meet the captives. They haven’t seen any men in a long
time. An honor guard precedes the leader of the Amazons: a tuxedo clad man.
Hi, I'm the Tuxedoed man that rules these Amazons...
He has some spiel about destroying imperfection and is an artist. Chicks dig angsty guys. Lily is freed and given a gun to kill Billy. She turns the gun on tuxedo man,
who anticipated that fact. It was an empty gun. Lily is taken to a cell.
The Commandos’s heads are stuck through holes in pieces of plywood with women’s bodies painted on them. They plead for their lives. Amazons mock
them. Lily is in a cage. Leader Chick gives her the key.
Lily escapes and is pursued by Amazons on horse back. Leader chick caught Lily. Her plan was to let Lily escape and kill her so she won’t be a threat and steal
tuxedo man from her. Leader chick has her knife ready when Jackie stumbles by them. He’s chasing a chicken. Seeing the Amazons, he tries to leave. They fight
and Jackie wins. He ties up Leader chick. Lily thanks him. Emily wanted Jackie to follow the Commandos.
Lily goes back to the village to rescue the men that night. Lily comes back in packing a gun which can kill scores with one blast. Some of the men are dressed
as Amazons. The goofy soldiers are in a cage which Lily frees them from. Gunfight ensues.
Old Sun and Billy are planting explosives throughout the village and head for the jeep.
The goofy soldiers and Lily are pinned down, but , the goofy soldiers manage to escape before the buildings are detonated. We get a lot of explosions. The
commandos are fine and drive away. Lily is presumed dead.
Hear wolves howling, the commandos find a run down mansion to stay the night. Old Sun checks to make sure it’s deserted. Later, that night, they are all
asleep. Skinny goofy soldier spots a hopping vampire. Just like the ones in Robo Vampire . He acts asleep until it
leaves. Hopping vampire hops away. Skinny goofy soldier wakes up the fat goofy one.
Fat goofy soldier is so mad he storms downstairs to find some peace and quiet. He sees some guys playing mah jong, or something like it. When the
Halloween theme starts playing, yes, John Carpenter’s Halloween theme.
Skinny goofy in turn wakes up another commando who storms out. Billy heads for another room, finding a hot female.
The fat goofy soldier is playing the game. He starts praying to win; each prayer hurts the hopping vampires around the table. One of the vampire’s head’s flies
off his shoulders to peak at fat goofy’s tiles.
Hey, keep that head and shoulders closer than that."
That fact doesn’t bother fat goofy. Another vampire extends his arm to reach under the table a good 6 or 7 feet like an undead Reed "Mr. Fantastic" Richards. Fat
goofy catches him, too. Takes a couple more minutes before fat goofy realizes something is very wrong with that. Last vampire rotates his head 360°. Fat
goofy soldier tries to escape the room but is caught.
Old Sun heads for the can. Skinny goofy soldier is scared. In the can, Old Sun sees a man moving in the mirror. Various arms shoot from the walls offering him
toilet paper.
Grease Lightning finds the dining room. Billy is getting closer to getting him a little somethin’ something’. But, the woman turns into an old crone and then a
skeleton. Talk about a mood killer. Back in the dining room, Grease sees legs under the table pounding their feet, etc…
The commandos have all been caught. Hopping vampires and the dark leader are going to kill them, when the bazooka toting Lily arrives to save the night. A
few exploded hopping vampires later and after Kung fuing the dark leader by decapitating the main bad guy. They escape as some pyrokinetics occur. Being
generous calling them pyrokinetics, they look more like a line of sparklers. Lily nonchalantly reveals the evil ones were wizards controlling ghosts.
They have found the enemy base, and rush to it opening fire. When they check the base out, most of the Japanese Nazis were dead before they got
there. Someone killed the Japanese Nazis and took the hostages. Emily and Jackie arrive. Commandos think Jackie has the money.
A lot of 60s and 70s cars pull up with guys standing atop them waving flashlights.
Barbarians riding on the top of Japanese Nazis cars...
The commandos are pretty puzzled by this, and who wouldn’t be? Most of these guys are wearing loincloths and look like rejects from a post-apocalyptic gang. Each
car has multiple swastikas painted on them and a few even have the Star of David? Leaders of the Japanese Nazis with bad German dubbing demand the money
from the commandos. Skinny goofy soldier finds the money the Japanese are demanding.
Ve have vays of making you talk...
Commandos are given until dawn to hand over the money. They will fight, survivors get the money. The Japanese will kill them even if they turn the money
over.
Emily and Jackie decide to retire after this last scheme.
At sunup, the Japanese Nazis charge the base to the peppy happy song Old Sun sang when he was introduced. It’s a crappy demolition derby. Firefight
ensues. Jackie has a special gun, a ten barrel shotgun.
Japanese Nazis have gotten into the base. Lily sees Billy get wounded, shot.
Jackie and Emily are fighting a skull-mask-wearing-barbarian-Japanese-Nazi. Emily is fighting a guy dressed like a samurai.
Fat and skinny goofy soldiers are still fighting the enemy. Skinny is killed and, fat gets the killer. Vowing vengeance, fat goofy soldier rushes a horde of
Japanese Nazis. Shot down in blaze of glory to impress Bon Jovi.
Old Sun and Grease Lighting are still fighting. Grease is killed; Old Sun hoses down the enemy.
Lily has the wounded Billy cover her. He finally admits he wants to marry her, very bad timing in the middle of a gunfight. They both are gunned down.
Jackie gets a hold of another machine gun, less Japanese Nazis.
Jackie, Emily and Old Sun are all that are left. Don Wen pulls up with the generals in the back. Old Sun runs to greet Wen who returns the greeting with a hot
lead injection. Wen’s plan was to use the commandos as cannon fodder, so he alone gets the money.
Jackie is willing to leave without any of the money. Wen wants them both dead, shoots Emily wounding her. He loses sight of Jackie, now a game of cat and
mouse ensues. Jackie is hiding in one of the numerous Japanese Nazi cars. Wen starts crushing them with a bulldozer.
Jackie versus Don Wen, who pulls off his belt which becomes a flexible sword, making a “whoosh” sound with every thrust. Jackie gets a sword. A kung fu
sword fight ensues. Jackie climbs a flagpole that is cut down. Wen nicks Jackie. He’s tossing Jackie around like a rag doll And unlike Daddy’s little cutie you
never see ‘em leaving by the back door . Jackie finds the detonator that Old Sun had wired earlier to blow the base. As Jackie jumps out of the building, triggers
the detonator.
Jackie and Emily get in the jeep loaded with the bodies of the dead commandos. The generals order Jackie to take them to headquarters. Jackie is angry over
the deaths of the commandos and drives away with the generals running behind them. The end.
