Fat Spy (1968)

Cast:

Jayne "Stacked to the ceiling seems so appropriate.." Mansfield is Junior
Phyliss "I was better as a guest voice on Scooby Doo" Diller is Camilla Salamander/Rapunzilla Fingernail
Jack E. Leonard is Irving and Herman
Brian "Watch Gamera instead" Donlevy is Wellington
Johnny Tillotson is Dodo

What the box says:

Off the coast of Florida, a nearly deserteed island is rumored to have a fountain of youth. When a group of adventurous teenagers show up, the island's owner sneds his bombshell daughter (Jayne Mansfield) to get rid of them. Is the fountain of youth real, and if so, who will get there first?

Plot:

A flamenco guitar with bad pop lyrics about the evils of money assault us. As the credits roll, beach party music video fu ensues. A boat of teenagers heads to sea.

Elsewhere, Mr. Wellington owner of a giant makeup company learns that a group of teenagers are on a treasure hunt on an island that Wellington has been searching for something important, the MacGuffin. The teens must be run of. Jr, (Jayne Mansfield) and Irving will take care of the pesky teens and protect Project X.

1960s seizures ensues. Sorry, my bad, it is dancing. Irving spies on the teens that have just landed.

At Wellington cosmetics, Wellington summons his number 2 man; Herman (Irving’s twin brother) Herman has to test the company’s lipstick by swapping spit with numerous hot chicks. Wellington wants Herman to keep Camilla Salamander from learning of Project X: the Fountain of Youth.

Elsewhere, Camilla is doing a fake commercial about the fountain of youth and learns of the teens on the island.

Back on the island, the teens are necking as the typical crappy music video montage ensues. Dodo, the wacky odious comedic sidekick, attacks with the subtlety of a 500 megaton nuclear warhead.

Jayne lands the plane on the island.

Dodo heads off to fish as a pseudo-Frankie Avalon anthem ensues. The wacky Dodo meets a mermaid.

Irving and Jayne professes their love. He explains how his brother, Herman, has been pining for his lost love all his life…

Herman sneaks off to see Camilla Salamander. Swappin’ spit.. I just don’t have that strong a stomach to see Phyllis Diller in a passionate embrace…Music assaults us about the ugliness of Phyllis Diller. Her masochistic Hindu watches on in disgust.

Irving tells Jayne about the lost love. While it is intercut with Herman and Camilla Salamander who want to find the Fountain of Youth. Apparently, they made some sort of vow not to bump uglies until they rule the world.

Dodo finds the mermaid.

Irving and Jayne discuss their relationship. Her father thinks he’s totally incompetent and worthless. I can’t disagree with such an accurate description.

Wellington handles the typical business also calling Irving which Herman eavesdrops on. Wellington wants Irving to uncover what the teens are after.

Irving heads undercover. Yes, he manages to dress slovenly enough and fools the teens into accepting his as one of their own. Jayne watches from afar. Bad beach dancing assaults us. It’s the Turtle!!! Gyrating hips ensue…

Wellington and Herman discuss the fountain of youth. This needs to be handled by more than just Irving and Jayne. Wellington decides to handle it himself.

The teens tell Irving they are looking for a Spanish galleon. Frankie, the lead teen, doesn’t trust Irving.

Camilla Salamander and Herman are together again. He has a lead on the true location of the fountain of youth.

The teens start digging another hole to another song that makes the Mamas and the Papas sound like Finnish death metal.

Jayne grabs a shotgun and decides to have Irving confront her father so they can finally be married.

Wellington takes his yacht to sea to the island.

Lonely Dodo song assaults us about his mermaid. He starts hearing a siren calling him to sea.

Camilla Salamander and Herman head to Wellington’s headquarters where the secret is hidden.

The teens find Dodo’s swimming trunks and completely ignore something must have happened to him when they realize they had been digging in the wrong spot. They learn the galleon was moved to the city garden. The teens head back to the mainland.

Wild Ones sing. They make the Beach Boys sound like Slayer without the joy will and love. Teen hi-jinks ensue.

Wellington reaches the island. Suddenly, bad Sam Spade, Jimmy Cagney, Humphrey Bogart, and Edward G. Robinson impersonations ensue. He will take the island no matter the cost.

Herman has Camilla Salamander disguise herself to sneak into Wellington’s headquarters.

Jayne leaves Irving at the city gardens when she goes to talk to her father.

The teens spot Irving at the city garden. Most of them decide to call the treasure hunt off.

Herman and Camilla Salamander use the computer to collate all the fountain of youth research. Apparently, the fountain of youth isn’t a liquid but a rose. Jayne walks in and finds them.

Elsewhere, Irving finds the rose.

Herman and Camilla Salamander tie Jayne up and plan to blow up the building use the air conditioning system to cover their tracks.

Frankie and Nanette are ready.

Herman and Camilla head to the garden to find the rose.

Frankie and Nanette are going to jump into the lake and drown.

Jayne is saved by Camilla Salamander’s Hindu Kali worshipping servant.

Herman and Camilla Salamander are still searching for the rose.

Frankie and Nanette assault us with another song how their love can only be parted by death.

Herman and Camilla Salamander find a rose and devour it.

Jayne reaches the garden and finds Irving. They go to where he found a rose.

Herman and Camilla Salamander have reverted to infancy.

Jayne hands the rose to Frankie and Nanette who immediately turn into Ponce De Leon and his wife.

Wellington is still heading to the island as the marines theme plays.

The end credits promised 3 sequels.

Return of the Fat Spy
Son of the Fat Spy
Bride of the Fat Spy

What I say:

If someone asked you what the beach party movie of the 60s was like, you'd probably mention Gidget or the Frankie and Annette beach party movies. Though, I can't imagine anyone walking up to one of my ten of fans and start a person on the street interview about 60s beach movies. It is better chance of someone trying to ask you about the current state of n-dimensional hypercubes relating to parallel processing. Well, back to the point of the paragraph before I start rambling about nondeterministic finite state machines....

Well, most of the Frankie movies got contnually worse until they didn't have Frankie or Annette in them. The more you think about how the typical Frankie and Annette beach party movie the more you realize how the Fat Spy just seems to be a complete rip-off or homage with lousier gags. Still, a teen movie set on a beach with just a bunch of teens in swim suits dancing isn't a high budget movie. Smaller producers could do cheaper and cheaper beach movies. That brings us to the Fat Spy movie that is a second or third generation rip off of a Frankie and Annette beach party movie just wrap your mind around such a concept...

Unfunny comedy is the worst kind of movie to have to endure. Bad sci-fi can have laughable special effects like spotting how they scratched the film to create a laser. Bad horror can have monster where you see the zipper on the back. Lame action scenes can always bring a chuckle or two like spotting where they used a dummy to be thrown off the side of the building and spot how the arms and legs are bending in ways impossible for a human before landing on the soft concrete at the end of their fall. However, bad comedy is different to explain the joke means it was a complete dud. The Fat Spy tries so hard to be tongue in cheek that the tongue has been pushed through several thousand cheeks. I realize that most of my jokes aren't that funny, but can't help but thin the previous sentence is so much funnier than anything in this movie. Just remember these movies have to have the hideously odious comedic sidekick and normally identical twins that are total opposites are also funny, too.

Jayne Mansfield may be what most people consider the ultimate personifaction of the "dumb blonde." I won't go that far. Though after seeing her in this movie, I can understand how some people would consider her nothing but a second rate Marilyn Monroe. Jayne is imagine Marilyn Monroe more heavily stacked. Though from what little I've read about her it sounds like more people didn't separate her characters from her actual personality.

The love interests. We have Jayne Mansfield with a pudgy fat older guy who happens to be old enough to be her father. If that isn't bad enough, we have the images of Phyllis Diller with Herman who is played by the same guy as Jayne Mansfield love interest. I've never seen Sexette with Mae West but that has to be close to the same Lovecraftian concept. My ten of fans, take a few minutes to shudder in disgust.

I'm nowhere near an expert on 60s music or at least 60s beach music beyond the Beach Boys stealing most of everything Jan and Dean ever did. With as many songs, this has to be considered a musical. I almost thought of it as bad as Eegah for the first 15 minutes. Though even with Arch Hall Jr's songs in that movie, not every character would break into music montages. Richard "Jaws" Kiel didn't have to perform a love song about Phyllis Diller...Something, I and my ten of fans should be thankful for every nanosecond of our existenences for that.

While, I do have a movie that shall be considered the pinnacle of Nepotism Theater on the back burner to be posted in the next few weeks. This movie was directed by Joseph Cates. You won't recognize the name until I mention it is Phoebe Cates's father. Yes, Phoebe from the Gremlins..Phoebe of the infamous red bikini from Fast Times at Ridgemont High..Sorry, I'd rather rant incoherently about her than her father who directed the Fat Spy. This movie does at least have the fact going for it allowed Phoebe to be alive for her tour-de-force scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I guess I can't give up that scene out of my head and discuss the Turtle music dance scene.

I think this movie finally demonstrates that most teens in the later 60s were on drugs or really stupid. How else could a group of teens think a guy who was old enough to be their grandfather actually be a teen? You can tell this movie was supposed to be for teens the way the adults in the movie refer to "teenagers." You probably couldn't get any more venom in each tone if you used the word "terrorist" today.

Notice how truly little I've discussed this movie. It doesn't quite really lend itself to coherent thought or in my case semi-coherent thought. Firing up the DVD after midnight and as sleep starts calling you, the Fat Spy becomes even stranger. The mermaid bit isn't ever really explained. Well, anything that gets rid of the odious comedic sidekick can't be all bad.

Quotable Dialogue
"Teenagers on a treasure hunt?"
"If only she wouldn't giggle..."
"Try the blonde, they use the vasoline base."
"I fell in love with a mermaid."
"If you lied to me to get a quick frolic..."
Morals of the Story
Most men have giant eagle tattoes on their chests.
Guys dream of riding horses with their girlfriends.
Raising the flag at Iwo Jima is romantic.
Most 1960s boats had phones.
Humanity shouldn't hear about Phyllis Diller's quivering loins.
An overweight balding 50 year old men can easily pass for a teenager.
Phyllis Diller has masochistic Hindu man servanats.
A building's air conditioner unit is so powerful to freeze it to splinters in 10 seconds.
Failing to find a Spanish galleon is punishable by death.