G-Men From Hell (2002)

Cast:

Tate Donovan is Mike Mattress
William "Embarrassed that Steven Segal beat me in Out For Justice" Forsythe is Dean Crept
Vanessa "I was on USA's Weird Science" Angel is Gloria
Gary "I didn't enjoy wearing a dress in Under Siege" Busey is Lt. Langdon
Zach "Gremlins was an excellent movie" Galligan is Dalton
Kari "Remember me from jiggling a lot in Sliders" Wuhrer is Marete
Robert Goulet is the DEVIL
Bobcat Goldwaite is Buster Lloyd

What the box says:

Two tough federal agents, Mike Mattress (Tae Donovan) and Dean Crept (William Forsythe), are murdered and sent to hell. They escape and come back to Earth as detectives, hoping to do good deeds to earh their way into Heaven. Their first client is a blonde bombshell (Vanessa Angel) whose wealthy husband (Barry Newman) ends up dead. Mattress and Crept are now the prime suspects and must stay one step ahead of both the Police (Gary Busey, Zach Galligan) and the Devil himself (Robert Goulet), who has come to Earth in hot pursuit of their souls.

Plot:

A comic strip intro shows how 2 federal agents were gunned down. A backup hit with a car bomb was planned and killed one agent’s wife and daughter. They went to Heaven. Unfortunately, the G-Men went to Hell.

The Devil is being psychoanalyzed by a Freud looking, shrink.

Mattress and Crept are planning on how to escape. After getting back to Earth, they plan to do some good deeds to get into Heaven. They sneak up behind the Devil who beams up to Earth. Mattress and Crept are caught by Weenie Man. The G-Men are able to use the crystal and star gate into some one’s bathtub. They talk with the towel clad, Gloria, before leaving.

Crept’s plan is to start a private investigator’s office to help people. They decide to get a contribution from the guy who bought them off when they were alive. Meanwhile, a cat-suited guy is following them.

Don't make any Catwoman jokes.

Our intrepid former G-Men find Buster to get some cash. They also demand to know who set them up and about the car bomb. Mattress shoots Buster as he draws his piece. Buster’s cash is all taken.

The Devil returns to Hell. Weenie Man tells the boss about Mattress and crept stealing the crystal. Weenie is sent to bring them back.

Mattress and Crept are in some find threads and take off in Buster’s car. Later, they find an office for lease to start the PI agency.

Lieutenant Langdon meets his new partner at Buster’s apartment. Apparently, Langdon is a hardcore, freak daddy somewhat like Mr. Garrison on South Park. The body is gone. The police assume the blood to be from Buster. Langdon takes control of the scene.

A couple of old guys discuss Mattress and Crept returning from the dead. Dr. Bouffard is fired by Mr. Lake.

The blonde bombshell known as Gloria Lake lounges around the pool. Apparently, her husband isn’t fond of her lounging around in her swimsuit. I guess he’s afraid of his heart stopping from having her around.

At his car, Dr. Bouffard is greeted by his hand puppet wearing assistant. They have work to do.

What does a mad scientist have to do with a hand puppet?

Mattress is hanging some ads up. Crept finds Weenie Man. They aren’t going back. Apparently, they have lost the ability to feel pain. The G-Men took bribes when alive so winding up in Hell is their lot. Weenie leaves.

The office is looking a lot better. However, they still need a secretary. Mattress starts hitting on a female mover, Marete. Apparently, she is skilled as a secretary and wears a skirt under her mover’s jumpsuit so she can start the job immediately.

5 minutes later, Gloria walks in and wants to hire the private dicks. Guess what? She was the towel chick from earlier. Gloria is convinced her husband is trying to kill her. A large and secret life insurance policy was taken out on her. They’ll take the case. Crept has Mattress hide the crystal.

A guy wearing a bag over his head strangles Mr. Lake.

Crept and Mattress go to the stately Lake estate. Crept starts beating the fire out of some guy. Mattress warns him to leave Gloria alone. Wait for it, he is the butler. The G-Men head for the library and find Mr. Lake dead. The Bag masked guy escapes.

Mattress and Crept have a drink. Cheetah Man wanders about unnoticed. They get some evidence and find Lake’s will. The butler rushes up and finds his boss dead. He automatically assumes the G-Men were responsible. A shotgun blast convinces our dynamic duo to dive out the window into the pool.

Later, Avon tries convincing Cheetah Man to give up crime fighting. He leaps into the night to answer another call.

The police are at the Lake mansion. Langdon questions the butler.

In a secret laboratory, Dr. Bouffard is busy at work. He activates a robot with the brain of Buster. Imagine a cheap knockoff version of DC Comics Robotman, which is the robotic Buster.

Marete greets Mattress and Crept. They tell her what has happened and go to tell Mrs. Lake about her husband. Before leaving, they discover the evidence was lost and the will is completely soaked and illegible.

Robot Buster lurches through the streets.

At Gloria’s apartment, they find her on the floor. She learns about her husband dieing. They question her about Cheetah Man. The Marilyn Monroe voiced woman claims to be innocent.

Leaving, Robot Buster grabs the G-Men. Cheetah Man drops a TV on Buster. Mattress and Crept get away.

The Devil pulls up nearby.

All should fear the evil of Robert Goulet, the DEVIL. The G-Men refuse to return to the lake of fire and brimstone. The Evilness wants his crystal back. They make a deal to return it in 46 hours before Goulet leaves.

Dr. Bouffard is repairing Robot Buster. The hand puppet guy is sleeping. Bouffard fixes a human looking mask for Buster.

Gloria is being questioned by Langdon and his partner.

Gary Busey is America's new Top Model Somehow, the partner makes Gloria seem smarter than Einstein. She tells about hiring Mattress and crept to solve her husband’s murder and expects them at the funeral.

Langdon and dense boy are staking the cemetery out when the G-Men arrive. After a short questioning, they try to warn Mattress and Crept off the case. Talking privately with Langdon, they will be taken in by the cops if unable to solve the case.

Crept spots the graves of his wife and daughter.

At the Lake estate, Crept is brooding over the death of his family. Mattress keeps trying to get Crept back on the case.

That night, Mattress and Crept are at the cemetery when they start fighting. Hand Puppet Guy arrives and digs up Lake’s grave.

Elsewhere, someone searches the G-Men’s office for the crystal.

Mattress and crept watch Puppet’s theft. This inspires Crept to solve the case. The follow Hand Puppet driving away.

Dr. Bouffard is working on Lake. He always needs more bodies for his experiments. Mattress and Crept sneak in and hear Bouffard’s rant and laughing about the lost will. Robot Buster walks in. The G-Men open fire on Robot Buster when he reveals he planted the car bomb. The mechanical man trashes the lab until the G-Men finally disassemble the angry automaton.

They question Bouffard about Lake’s death. He claims it wasn’t him. They want him to meet them at the church at midnight with the cops, etc.

Mattress and Crept find their office ransacked, and the crystal missing. They suspect Cheetah Man was behind it.

Shoe Shiner gets some funny money from the G-Men’s landlord.

Mattress and Crept think Cheetah is working for the Devil. After beating him, they realize his costume isn’t the same as the other fiber they found. He gets questioned about Lake’s death when Lester the Landlord storms in the office. Apparently, Lester isn’t disturbed by a guy in cat costume tied to a chair. The G-Men fight Lester after learning the rent was counterfeit. Cheetah turns on the TV and spots Weenie Man with the crystal.

Mattress and Crept get the drop on his Weeniness. Trashing his sweet ride, they prevent him from escaping back to Hell. Weenie Man swallows the crystal. The G-Men freeze him and drive to the biog meeting at the church.

Dumb partner cop is at the church along with Bouffard, Gloria, the butler, Marete. The G-Men start going through everyone’s motives. Bouffard is cleared. Apparently, Lake was involved in counterfeiting and funneled the funny money through Bouffard and Buster. They also clear Cheetah Man. Crept reveals that Hand Puppet Guy killed Lake, by the stitching like a puppet’s on the body.

Some zombie looking guy stumbles in the church. He thanks Bouffard. Pete’s essence was put in that of a puppet. Zombie guy killed Lake so Bouffard’s research would continue and provide him with a new body.

Dumb cop grabs for Zombie who grabs Gloria and uses him for a hostage.

The Devil arrives and sends Zombie guy to Hell. Demanding the crystal, Weenie Man is thawed. Claiming the crystal was swallowed for its safety; the Devil pulls it loose and sends Weenie back to eternal suffering.

The G-Men aren’t going back to Hell. The Devil wants them to return but will be waiting for them to screw up.

Everyone leaves the church. Cheetah Man tells them about having to do good deeds to get into Heaven. Apparently, Gloria is warm for Mattress’s form.

Crept gives the Rolls Royce to a bum.

Mattress and Gloria decide to go bowling.

Crept will tell Marete the entire story about the Devil, etc…

What I say:

I have a confession to make. I am a comic book geek. I admit I am a comic book addict. That has to be a big surprise for someone who has reviewed Fantastic Four and Justice League America pilot. I could regale (bore one to death) with the chronicles of the X-Men..etc... I like to think I keep up with the new comic book movies. A few low-budget movies have crept out over the past few years to no recognition. I was coming into this movie than less baggage than Hellboy. I couldn't say much more than Mike Mignola created him.

I stumbled across G-Men From Hell in a discount bin. First, the plot had me. Second, the fact is it being a comic book movie I had never heard of. That was a double siren's call to me. I have heard of Mike Allred from his comic book Madman but never hunted down any of his work on it or X-Statix. I am just a more traditional comic book fan AKA super hero geek.

The idea of combining the hard-boiled detectives with Satan after them is an unique combination of genres. The closest movie that comes to mind would be Angel Heart with Mickey Rourke and Robert DeNiro. That movie didn't deal much with the notion of redemption. It seemed more interested in showing how to pork Lisa Bonet. Bill Cosby wanted to fire her off the Cosby Show after her tour-de-naked porking in Angel Heart. That may be crude, but the truth hurts...

This is quite an impressive cast for a B-movie based on a comic book. Gary Busey, Zach Galligan, William Forsythe, Bobcat Goldwaite, Paul Rodriguez, and Kari Wuhrer is quite a cast. However, most of the actors only have a couple of scenes. Most movies have maybe one or two "B-name" actors. However, not all the actors are considered "B-actors" like Gary Busey or Zach Galligan. It is surprising that such a low budget movie has such a cast. Can you imagine a B-movie with Bruce Campbell, Dick Miller, John Saxon, Michael Ironsides, Linnea Quigley, Sue Shiomi, and Franco Nero?

William Forsythe and Tate Donovan do a very hardboiled, almost wiseguys trying to sound like Jack Webb. They deliver their lines better than you could imagine. I did think Forsythe becoming depressed after realizing his family was killed in car bomb meant for him and started moping for a couple of scenes only to become almost supercharged into solving the case was awfully weak.

Gary Busey is hilarious in the few scenes he appears. The feather boa scene has me doubting that he hated wearing the dress in Under Siege. The scene talking about he would have loved going to a prep school and asking about the showers is good, too. Unfortunately, he should have been in more of the movie.

Zach Galligan comes across as slightly stupider than a fencepost. At first, it worked as long as Gary Busey was with him. The revelation about the killer scene had him acting ditzier than Vanessa Angel. That is a difficult fact to wrap your head around. I guess to be fair. It is hard to really stand out with only a couple of scenes in the movie.

Vanessa Angel could do the blonde bombshell in her sleep. Well, she could do any hair colored bombshell for that matter. The breathy dialogue reminds me of her trying to do a Marilyn Monroe impression. I did appreciate the bowling reference near the end. Kingpins anyone? She has seemed to have disappeared after the USA series version of Weird Science was canceled.

Kari Wuhrer has had an interesting career from MTV's Remote Control to Sliders. Of course, the hardcore Sabrina Lloyd fans weren't impressed with her bouncing around in a tight top in every episode. Well, she was also in 8 Legged Freaks and a host of direct to video thrillers which apparently were top clothing was optional. At least, that was what some people told me. She didn't have much to do in G-Men from Hell for being a secretary.

Instead of Al Pacino's over the top version in the Devil's Advocate who loved saying "Your sister's ovulating, whooooo-wahhhh, make me a granddaddy... Whooooo-wahhhhhhhhhh!!!" Robert Goulet was surprisingly effective as the Devil. He doesn't really come across as that evil as the prince of lies does in other movies. The mere notion of Robert Goulet as the Devil is hard to grasp. He comes across more as just a guy doing a job no one else wants, and everyone hates him for it.

The final scene where Mattress and Crept have gathered all the suspects and go over the motives is a classic noir scene. However, the killer being someone who is from left field, way left field. I wasn't sure who he was. A couple of the plot points that never should have met collided far too many Scooby Doo moments in the last few minutes

A comic book movie has to walk a razor line between respecting its source and not alienating with too much continuity, and this movie has that problem. We've seen how the more success comic book movies have to jettison some of the back story and continuity for the sake of the plot. G-Men from Hell really should have done something like that. They tried cramming too many details into the movie. We've got 2 federal agents escaping Hell and trying to work their way into Heaven be helping people. Well, we have a mad scientist who is determined to create human cloning and apparently robots, too. A guy in cheetah costume is running around wanting to punish evil. It as if they combined the scripts for 2 movies into one with as jumbling as it feels. Was it boring? No. G-Men From Hell is a movie that almost falls into having a WHAT-THE-HELL INDEX. The kitchen sink was about the only thing missing from this movie and ninjas.

I am impressed with as much works in the movie despite the number of faults. Even with the disasterous comic book movies, I still have violent flashbacks to an Italian Red Skull in the Pyun version of Captain America. This isn't near the top of the heap with things like Hellboy. The director, Christopher Coppola, hasn't created a movie that will stand as a true B classic like say Bad Taste or Evil Dead 2. It won't be in the Manos: the Hands of Fate or Eegah pantheon either. Although, it won't be a breakout movie. A little known servicable movie is no shame.

Quotable Dialogue
"I keep feeling everyone hates me."
"I'm a sadistic leather-clad homosexual."
"It was a most disagreeable plaid."
"I've got a thing for vinyl."
"If I was the marrying kind, I'd cheat on my wife with her."
Morals of the Story
Fedoras and t-shirts are styling.
Half naked women aren't bothered by 2 guys in her bathtub.
Newspapers are wrong about the deaths of federal agents.
Hand puppets snore.
Gary Busey loves pink feather boas.
Robots come in a naturally pink skinned metal.