Plot:
The all-knowing scrolling text informs us that in 1982, a series of brutal murders occurred at Crippen High School. But, the killer was never caught. A film
company is making a movie in the abandoned high school. The credits roll.
CrEePy, HuH?
Close up of a police car pulling up, Chief Deyner arrives on the scene. Officer Tyler (Maureen McCormick) informs him that 7or 8 bodies have been found but are
missing parts. Other police are on the scene. So far, one survivor has been found, the scriptwriter who is understandably shocked. Chief Deyner talks with Arthur, the
writer. The story begins with being told about the movie being made.
Someone enters the high school. It’s a cop looking around when a deformed guy rushes him. The lights come on. The deformed guy is an actor, shooting a scene
for the movie. The cop, Steven Barnes, had investigated the original murders and, the director, Josh wanted him as a technical advisor. Crew is doing filming things.
Producer Harry Sleery is talking to someone. Bingo, obligatory topless chick this early in the movie. Harry is a big fan of pointless and often female flesh in his
movies. Josh doesn’t want tasteless nudity in his movie, talks with the special effects guy Todd. The topless chick has prosthetic breasts and one of them is ripped
off and thrown in the corner of the room detonating, startling Steve.
Josh learns that Harry has cancelled the hotel rooms for the crew. Everyone is going to stay in the creepy abandoned high school. Josh talks with Oliver, the actor
playing the cop. Oliver happens to be George Clooney. Oliver has an offer to be on a television series and he’s quitting the movie for the television role. Can we say
vice-versa? Oliver walks out. A running gag is having Josh tear up the rewrites that Arthur has just finished.
Harry finishes with another phone call and repeatedly calling for his assistant to get him something. Oliver stops by on his way out wishing a fond farewell to Harry.
Oliver says his goodbyes to the rest of the crew. The crew readies for the next shot. Oliver is heading out and gets lost thinking he found a shortcut. He hears
a noise and, we hear the creepy music indicating something will happen or cheap scare will ensue. Oliver heads farther into the dark recesses of the school, when an
arm grabs him. Exit George Clooney from this movie as we see a puddle of blood ooze from under the door.
Harry is talking with Steve to play the cop in the movie, in essence play himself n the movie. A few others will play themselves in the movie, the principal and the
janitor. Well, Harry talks Steve into acting in the movie. Josh learns that Steve will be in the movie and, Josh is less than pleased with that. Callie finds Harry who
promptly leaves. We get some charming banter between Callie and Steve.
Amos the janitor wipes up the puddle of blood where Oliver died.
Present time, Arthur is telling his story to Chief Deyner and Officer Tyler. Arthur mentions hearing a squeaking sound. Tyler spots that one of the victims is alive
and checks for a pulse. The arm comes loose. They haven’t matched the body parts to the bodies completely right, yet. If you ever want to see Maureen McCormick
standing right beside an older guy who wishes her shirt allowed a view of any cleavage, this would be the movie for you.
Flashback, we hear a squeaking mop cart. Steve talks with Amos.
Elsewhere, the creepy principal is sitting in a classroom. Callie in a bathrobe, talks with him to get an idea of who the girl she is playing was. He starts talking
about how the bodies were found in this room. Callie is convinced to open a closet and finds a bloody severed head. Todd, the special effects guy, made it. Callie
leaves angry at the cheap scare. Todd starts ranting about how hard he worked to do the effects for the movie to the creepy principal who is less than impressed,
too. Todd leaves feeling unappreciated.
A cheerleader is being felt up and groped. Guys are talking about some chicks. Richard Farley, goofy looking sucker, tries hitting on the very hot Sarah Walker
(it’s a scene from the movie, actually Callie). He tells her how he’s the quarterback and wants to give her a special pass. Also, he’s doing this to win a bet. Well,
Sarah shoots him down and leaves. Richard follows her into the girl’s locker room. More obligatory T&A-A. Richard acts oblivious to the naked chicks. He’s
angry that Sarah turned him down. Demands her phone number and then changes tactics, he slings a naked chick over his shoulder and threatened to carry her out in
the hallway unless Sarah goes on a date with him. Sarah agrees, finally.
A car pulls to a secluded spot. Richard is hitting on her. Sarah wants to go home. Imagine every lame pickup line, Richard uses them. She wants to leave and,
Richard believes that no means "Take me now my goofy jackass." Sarah is struggling when a mysterious other hand cops a feel. It’s Harry wanting to make sure that
tits are in the shot.
Callie starts discussing how women are exploited in film. Josh tries to calm her down. Sarah Walker was raped but, Callie feels that it shouldn’t be shown. Harry
believes more female flesh, more money his movie makes. Callie keeps arguing with Josh while Harry leaves.
Some crew member mentions to Harry about not getting his paycheck. Harry promises to get to the bottom of it and take care of it. An actor thanks Harry for
letting him be in the movie. The actor walks down the hall when the killer grabs him. Harry wants Arthur to rewrite a scene to make it poignant, about deep emotion
between to women and set it in the shower. Arthur heads off not noticing the decapitation that’s occurring in the next room though we see the axe fall and a silhouette
of the head in the smoked glass of the door.
Callie is creeped out by the school. Steve talks with her. He went to high school before it was closed and talks how it was normal. They go to his old
locker. Inside the locker is arrow through a heart with Steve and an old girlfriend’s names in it. Steve realizes the arrow is new, fresh, done in the past day. Callie
thinks the killer is back because the movie will make a mockery of him and leaves.
Body parts are pulled across a room by a clothesline. An actor enters the room. He sees a box of dirt, hand shoots out from the box pulling him into it. Richard
(goofy jackass) comes in not seeing the other guy’s kicking feet in the box of dirt. Richard even leans over the box of dirt, too. He freaks out after getting some blood
on him and steps into a snare and is hoisted upside down. Machinery starts, Giant Exhaust fan without a screen advances to Richard, killing him.
As the fan hits Richard, blood splashes on someone elsewhere. It’s a blood test. Harry wants lots of blood. Josh refuses to do it but goes off on an artistic spiel
about the revelation of the murderer, high-brow artsy stuff. The crew is perplexed, like the audience.
Callie and Steve are talking. He brings up how his old girlfriend vanished. We see Amos mopping up the bloody floor. Could that be a plot point?
Josh is in the can, when we see 10 crewmembers come out of a bathroom stall. The old clown car gag has new life breathed into it. Josh learns that one of the
grips has disappeared.
Back to present time, Deyner wants to know how the movie crew disregarded everyone disappearing and dying. Arthur tells them people quit low budget movies
all the time and with the amount of blood used couldn’t tell the real from the fake blood. Tyler, Marcia Brady, reports back to Chief Deyner and, she is covered in
blood and doesn’t seem to be bothered by it either. She’s talking about how slippery it is. Tyler is getting hotter with each appearance.
In a biology lab, the class is getting a lecture about how to dissect a frog. The teacher humiliates a sleeping student, Donny Porter. A new student arrives, Susan,
Suzy arrives. It’s Callie in another wig. The teacher welcomes her and, Donny hits on her. The teacher mocks Donny again. The bell rings, Birnbaum, the biology
teacher, volunteers to help tutor Suzy at night. Nameless Teenage girl, I dub thee Skankalotta, wants to talk with Birnbaum about how her grades have dropped from
As to Cs. Suzy leaves.
Principal Castleman brings in police officer Steve to talk with Birnbaum. Steve is investigating the deaths of Richard and a cheerleader. Birnbaum has some ideas
on who the killer is. Steve talks to Josh in the middle of the scene how it’s wrong. Josh starts yelling about how the movie needs to be made.
Birnbaum starts dissecting a frog. Donny is pretty freaked out by it. Suzy tries to defend Donny who is mocked more by Birnbaum. Donny will do the first
dissection of the class as Birnbaum lectures.
Later that night, Birnbaum thinks he hears Susan. He’s getting gussied up for her, if any fat balding guy can be gussied up for a woman young enough to be his
daughter if anyone would let this slimy guy touch her. Sorry, derailed the point. The Killer knocks him out. As rock music is playing while we hear the echo of
Birnbaum’s lecture about dissection. The Killer who looks like ghost face killer from Scream with a more putty like face readies his dissection tools.
Hi, I'll be your killer for the remainder of the movie.
He hammers nails into Birnbaum’s hands, cuts him open with the scalpel to pull out the heart and stuff it into Birnbaum’s mouth.
Steve is looking over something and, Callie is with him. She starts thinking something is wrong, the way people are disappearing. Callie thinks someone is out
there. If it were something, we’d have a cool miniseries from years ago…Steve will help her and make a list of who’s connected.
Harry is calling someone on the giant 1980s cell phone from the bathroom. Callie sneaks in to overhear and learns Harry knows that people are vanishing. A
possible candidate.
People are leaving a scene. Steve sees a picture of his disappeared girlfriend, who’s the daughter of the Principal Castleman. He says that his daughter is at
college and doesn’t say anything else to Steve. Castleman is placed on the list as well.
Arthur went to high school here, so that gets him put of Callie’s list. Our heroes' detective work consists of putting everyone on the suspect list. And one of the
heroes is a police officer. Shouldn’t he know better than that?
Callie and Steve are trying to figure it out. Anybody could be the killer. 80s synthesized lovin’ ensues as welders are working outside. Callie and Steve are
asleep. They hear a squeaky cart. Steve goes to investigate it. Callie wakes up as Steve rushes back in talking about how they know too much. Steve can’t find his
gun and orders Callie to lock the door. We see the killer through the window in the door. Callie and Steve check the door again. Killer breaks through the glass,
choking Steve and breaks his neck. Callie tries to revive the broken necked Steve before heading out a window while the Killer breaks into the room. She manages to
jump to the ground while the Killer is in hot pursuit.
Callie gets to her car and tries to start it. Killer is there. It was just a scene in the movie, we see the camera crew in the background. Amos is playing the killer
and cuts her head off as Josh screams. And, Callie awakens from her nightmare beside Steve who wakes up, now. They get dressed and go for a walk.
Callie calls for Steve; they see a trail of blood that looks like dragged body. Steve has his gun and, Callie follows behind him down the dark hallways. They rush
into the men’s room where the blood trail ends. Steve kicks in each stall door finding the bloody stall. Steve thinks the body was hacked up and flushed. How hard
would it be to hack the body and bones into flushable sized portions? It would be time consuming and knife dulling very possibly.
Present time, Deyner inspects another body. Arthur identifies the body. Tyler reports in again. Have you ever wanted to see a bloody Marcia Brady eat a hot
dog? This is your only chance. The police think the Killer is still inside. Arthur tells them the crew started looking for the Killer, and that triggered the bloody
massacre.
Callie and Steve decide to check every room, don’t know who to trust. Off they search the dark scary room where Richard and the other guy were killed. They
have enough sense to turn the lights on, though. They find some severed heads. Steve doesn’t want to call the police on the scene, which would frighten the Killer
away. They check the box of dirt, it’s a tunnel. Steve almost falls into it. With more guts than brains, Steve heads down into the tunnel. Callie follows behind him with
the flashlight. In the tunnel, Callie screams at something, Steve calms her down.
Keeping heading on, they find something. Amos appears behind them. A classroom filled with mummified bodies. These people touched Principal Castleman’s
daughter. If a classroom full of people (men and women) touched his daughter, I'd be thinking she was like a doorknob on a 7-11. Everybody got a turn, 24-7....
Amos found this place earlier. And, one seat remains for Steve. Amos attacks Steve and, Callie tries to help. It’s too dark to tell what’s going on during the
fight. Steve is fighting the cackling Amos. Amos rips his face off; it’s not Amos but Castleman. Yes, Castleman was wearing an Amos mask, must have gotten it
from a Scooby-Doo garage sale.
Castleman has a knife on Callie and wants Steve to take his seat. Steve wants Callie set free. Castleman ties Callie up and tells how Steve killed his daughter,
Cathy. Steve got her pregnant and, Cathy gave herself an abortion she died from. I think we can safely assume that Castleman is enchilada shy of a combination
platter. Cathy’s corpse (sounds better than Cathy's Clown) is dressed in wedding dress is in the room. Steve is going to marry Cathy. Callie will be the
maid of honor. Steve gets up to leave, while Castleman threatened to kill Callie. Steve walks away and Castleman thinks that Steve is nutty than a Sunday cone.
Steve grabs a pole the throws it, impaling Castleman to the wall. Steve frees Callie and they leave the underground classroom.
Present time, Arthur tells them no one besides him got out alive. Deyner wants Arthur to show him where the classroom is. The cops head down the tunnel. The
all clear is given and every one of the corpses gets up: Josh, Harry, etc… They leave fast grabbing the fake body parts that were torn loose. Steve and Callie were in
on it, too. It looks that everyone killed in the movie is alive.
Harry had planned this from the beginning. With the Killer being Principal Castleman, the publicity will be huge. Moviegoers will flock to see the movie where
the crew and cast died but the film survived. Sounds a little like the Blair Witch Project doesn’t it?
The crew drives away.
The cops are in the underground classroom. Castleman is still alive. Tyler fins Cathy’s body. Castleman pulls the spike out of his chest and charges the cops who
open fire. This isn’t a couple of shots, this is full barrage. Castleman is now holier than a Shaolin monk. The cops head back outside and see the bodies are all
gone. Deyner thinks that someone stole the bodies. The police think someone is still out there.
In the high school, we see the picture of Cathy. Arthur is still there. He knows someone will be back for a sequel. They always come back for a sequel. Arthur
starts typing a new script entitled "Return to Horror High" by Arthur Castleman as blood drips on the cover page. A shadow falls over Arthur as he
greets Dad. The end.
