Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens

Cast:

John Call is Santa Claus
Leonard Hicks is Kimar
Vincent Beck is Voldar
Bill McCutcheon is Dropo
Pia "Just wait until I star in The Lonely Lady" Zadora is Girmar

What the box says:

When Martians tune into a television broadcast from Earth and feel their children are being wrongfully influenced by the human image of Santa Claus that's being transmitted, they decide to commit an earth-shaking kidnapping.

Plot:

Quality ensues with opening credits like this....

The Santy Clause theme song plays as kids sing about “he’s fat and full of jaws” or something to that effect. Somehow, the song elevates the 60s Batman theme into high art.

A news broadcast will interview at the North Pole. On Mars, the Martian children stare blankly at the view screens almost drooling.

Andy Henderson, the reporter at the North Pole, is telling some really bad jokes before barging into Santa’s workshop. Some of the years big toys for Christmas are shown. They ponder if Mars has an equivalent of Santa Claus.

Kimar calls for hideously odious comic sidekick, Dropo. Kimar is worried about his children watching that trash from Earth. After putting them to sleep with the sleep ray, Momar, Kimar’s wife, returns. Apparently, Martian children all over the planet are mindless drones that only watch Earth television. Momar suggests he seek Chochim the elder for advice.

Kimar and his chiefs head to Chochim’s cave. The 800 year old Martian appears. In his creepy old guy voice, he tells that Earth is about to celebrate Christmas and mentions Santa, too. Martian kids behave like little adults without ever knowing how to have fun and play. Mars needs a Santa or the consequences will be dire.

With only 1 Santa, Kimar will kidnap him and bring him to Mars. Voldar is against the plan.

The rocket heads to Earth and finally arrives. From orbit, they spot numerous Santas.

Are you sure the flux capacitor is fluxing?

The news reports that a rocket has been spotted in orbit. Stock footage of command centers and missiles assail us.

Kimar discovers that Dropo snuck on board.

Stock footage of B-52s taking off ensues. We see numerous fighters take off, too.

The Martians prepare to land their rocket.

Billy and Betty are listening to the news on the radio. They are positive it isn’t Martians. Well, until Martians capture them, our green skinned antennae headed aliens explain they want Santa Claus. The kids are taken with them as they go to the North Pole.

The same news report discussing the mysterious rocket also reports on the disappearance of Billy and Betty. I guess it is small world after all.

The military is still searching for the mysterious rocket. More stock footage assails us.

Dropo is giving Billy and Betty the grand tour of the rocket. He hides the kids so Kimar won’t find them as the rocket flies to the North Pole.

Voldar wants the kids taken to Mars. That plan will completely remove the connection between Mars and Santa’s disappearance. Kimar wants to use Torg to capture Santa.

Billy and Betty overhear the plan and escape the rocket to warn Santa. In -90°, they run out and try to find Santa’s workshop.

The Martians plan the assault when Voldar learns the kids escaped. Kimar will use Torg to catch the kids.

Billy and Betty are able to hide from Voldar who loses their trail. The kids are chased by a polar bear that seems less realistic than the robot from Robot Monster. Billy checks to find the bear gone. Our intrepid duo trod on. When a robot captures them, Voldar orders the robot to kill the kids. He wants the Martians to regain their warrior heritage. Kimar arrives in time to save the kids. It is time for Torg to capture Santa.

Somehow makes Robby the Robot very impressive.

Torg rushes into the workshop tossing elves to the side. Santa inspects Torg, thinking it to be a new toy. Somehow, that warms the robotic circuits of Torg’s heart. He is useless in capturing Santa. Kimar and Voldar freeze the elves when Mrs. Claus enters. She gets frozen. The Martians take Santa with them.

The newspapers are having a field day with Santa’s kidnapping.

Good headlines have very inadequate grammar checks. The United Nations will take action. The plan is to launch a rocket to rescue Santa. Stock footage of a rocket takeoff ensues.

The Martians are unaware that Billy sabotaged their cloaking device. Santa is trying to cheer up his green skinned captors.

Santa tries consoling Billy and Betty. Dropo brings the food pills for dinner.

The Martians finally realize that the Earth rocket is following them.

Voldar checks on the “guests.” He takes them on a tour of the airlock room. Billy knows a lot about pressurization or just sucking. I lean to the second alternative with a movie this bad.

Voldar locks the door. Santa is as calm as the 500 cucumber food pills he’s eaten.

On the control deck, Kimar discovers what Voldar is doing. They start some Greco-Martian wrestling when Santa and the kids swagger in. They crawled through the air duct that pumped the air out like a chimney.

The rocket approaches Mars and prepares to land.

Kimar has Voldar locked up and will stand trial. After landing, he learns that Voldar has escaped.

Momar is cleaning when Kimar brings the guests from Earth.

Kimar’s kids Bormar and Germar are studying. Billy and Betty are introduced to them. Kimar introduces Santa to his kids. A few jolly laughs from the rotund belly of Santa have everyone laughing up a storm.

Kimar plans on setting up a workshop for Santa. The jolly old elf learns that he is to stay on Mars forever…

In a cave, Voldar and his 2 goons plot to get rid of Santa. A mechanized assembly line will produce the toys. Voldar plans on discrediting Santa.

Dropo brings letters asking for toys from Santa. He uses the assembly line to manufacture them. He closes the line for the day. Santa and the kids leave.

Santa is greeted by Kimar and Momar before calling it a night. Billy and Betty go to bed, too. Kimar realizes that the Earth kids are acting exactly like his did before Santa Claus. Momar realizes they are homesick. Kimar can’t send the kids back.

Dropo is trying to eat enough food pills to fit into Santa’s suit. Finally, he uses a pillow to fill in his gut. He dons a fake beard before heading to the workshop to make more toys.

Can any caption improve this image?

Voldar and his goons sneak into the workshop. Voldar reconfigures the machines. They capture Dropo as soon as he enters. They apparently can’t recognize a fat white guy from an insane green skinned lunatic.

Kimar learns that Momar is gone. When Santa starts up the line, the machine starts making up screwed up toys like a baseball bat with a tennis rack on the end.

Voldar will use Santa as a hostage.

Kimar inspects the machines and discovers they were sabotaged. It was Voldar who did it and took Dropo.

Voldar strolls in claiming to hold Santa as a hostage. If the toy machine is destroyed, Santa and the Earth kids can be sent back to Earth. Kimar lets them think Santa has already escaped.

Kimar locks Voldar and one of his goons up. He calls for a squad to rescue Dropo.

Dropo is trapped in cave because of a nuclear curtain. The guard goon is sure that will keep Santa trapped. Dropo turns it off and escapes.

Voldar manages to knock Kimar out.

Voldar has a gun on Santa. Bomar, Germar, Billy, and Betty unload on Voldar with every toy imaginable. Santa is laughing up a storm. Voldar apparently is overpowered by the humiliation of being overwhelmed by a group of meddling kids.

I am Lord of the Dance...

Dropo arrives.

Kimar catches Voldar’s goon trying to escape.

Kimar gets the kids to quit attacking Voldar when the Martian police take Voldar away.

Santa wants Dropo to take up the very large pants to become the Martian Santa Claus.

Momar and the kids say goodbye to Billy and Betty.

Dropo Claus pops in, too.

Santa and the kids leave. As the Santy Claus theme song plays, we see the rocket head to Earth.

What I say:

Rogue Reviewers Roundtable

I would like to think this is a very special review. In a way it is. This is my 100^th review. No one starts a review site to say "I envision the day I reach 100 reviews." Many sites have a lot more reviews than mine. A lot of the larger sites seem to have extremely short reviews. No way in my deluded mind would I want to compare myself with the more verbose reviewers out there. I'm not going to uncover some shocking secret that my review format will change. I do have to thank everyone that is killing time using my reviews. Well on to What I Say Not quite ready to start.

December is the time when children turn their thoughts to a jolly old elf that breaks into your house and leaves bribes for devouring pastries: Christmas. While this festive time of year doesn't have much to do with the December roundtable Cheese From Space, I'm sure to find a connection between the two. And here it is. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. While possibly not as profound as the combination of chocolate and peanut butter, Santa and Martians have a distinct taste that of chili and ice cream.

How does this movie qualify as Cheese from Space? The space scenes...The space scenes have the toy rocket flying across a black space background. Strangely, the rocket has a flame shooting from it. I didn't realize that space had enough oxygen to enable large scale combustion. Constant acceleration would be caused by the continuous thrust. No wonder, low budget movies love hyperspace. No rockets burning and cool computer generated effects....

Actually, the Martians are the stereotypical green skinned, antennae headed aliens. Imagine, the Great Kazoo from the Flintstones without the superpowers and the same height as a human would be a pretty good description of these Martians. Any movie without technologically superior aliens must have a scene or two to show they don't possess any common sense. The scene where they question Billy and Betty about Santa Claus. Doesn't everyone know those Santas at stores are his helpers?

Lets think about the Martian plan for a moment. They can't find Santa. After capturing Billy and Betty, they learn Santa is at the North Pole. The Martians take the kids to keep them from warning the authorities. In fact, after taking Santa, the kids are taken to Mars so no one on Earth will know the Martians are involved. However, what about Mrs. Claus and the elves that got frozen? In fact, the kidnapping is reported to the UN. Wouldn't green skinned aliens point to Mars? I never heard of a time when the United Nations where interested in a simple kidnapping even if the victim was globally acclaimed.

We’ve got Martians, polar bears, robots, and Santa Claus. That is an example of almost a perfect What the Hell Factor. It is surprising to find an American movie that can almost rank up there with Robo Vampire or Ninja in the Killing Field. I skipped over the polar bear more than other reviews. It is truly a thing to be seen to be held.

Isn’t it interesting that Christmas according to this movie doesn’t have any connection to what we consider Christmas? I'm not meaning a religious holiday movie. Even a lot of the made for TV crap, at least tries to spread the message of it is better to give than receive. What seems to be the moral of this movie? Martians need Santa Claus to give toys to their kids. It sounds a lot like massive commercialism. It is in fact. Martian parents don't care about trying to give themselves. They would rather have a mythical fat man do the hard work.

The guy from A Miracle on 34^th Street was a great movie Santa. Unfortunately, that can't be said about our Santa conquering the Martians. Imagine the only requirements for being Santa Claus are to be fat and laugh? It takes certain qualities to play Santa. Unfortunately, you need more than a gut and an ability to laugh. It would be better if it didn't look like everyone was laughing for fear of the fatman's rage being unleashed upon them. Santa goes with the Martians and isn’t bothered with a slight case of attempted murder either. Nothing phases Santa who is a few degrees out of synchronization with this plane of space-time and existence.

The movie title isn't quite appropriate. In fact, a better title would be Santa Claus Subverts the Martians. Any form of the word conquer involves force and domination. Santa's laugh ensnares beings like the Pied Piper of Hamlin. We do get 4 kids running around attempting to perform shenanigans in the vein of Home Alone to summon the demonic spirit of Mackualy Caulkin as they throw toys at Voldar.

What can be said about a movie when it's biggest feature is the film debut of Pia Zadora? I know she was the butt of numerous jokes in the 80s. You know how some people are the butt of jokes only for existing. In 20 years, no one will remember any of Pamela Anderson jokes. That pretty much would describe Pia. Jabootu has said quite a bit about her epic film, the Lonely Lady. I will have to say that her role in this movie seems to be more like a stoned kid wearing green face paint.

Voldar is the hateful martinent. A kiddie movie from the mid 90s wouldn't have the tragically noble villain bound by honor. Voldar comes across more as a pissed off substitute teacher than a warrior incabaple of change. Sure, he may have attempted murder several times. Is that such a bad thing to prevent a laughing Santa that seems to entrance most everyone who hears it? Really, he is a patriot trying to prevent the destruction of the socirty he has helped to build. By any means, necessary he will save Mars. Come Earth germs or high water...

If Dropo isn’t the perfect example of the odious comedic sidekick, the perfect example resides in a dimension with Cthulu. One of the big problems is the Martians are stodgy martinets. Well, the entire planet save one Martian that loves to eat ice cream food pills. This is a Martian that isn't above stuffing things in his pants to impress people. How did such a society not use their disintegrator rays on a complete idiot? A better question how is could such an idiot work for the ruler of Mars. I’m sure a scene where Kimar questions ever hiring his brother-in-law was cut.

This movie may be better known as being on MST3K. In fact, that episode has the greatest Christmas song of all. Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas... In fact, I can see how this movie deserves the ridicule heaped upon it. I have seen far worse movies they watched on MST3K. Screaming Skull for one. I haven't seen the uncut Pod People which has sat on the IMDB bottom 10 for quite a long time.

This is another attempt at delving into the infamous IMDB bottom 100 movies. It is at 27 right now. I'm sure by the time I post this review, it'll be at different rank. My previous attempts at this list have been hit or miss. Eegah was reviewed. However, another movie on that infamous list died when I triep to play the DVD. I almost would have pled for Arch Hall Jr to be singing about 50 girls in the same song if I cold have gotten that other movie reviewed...

Many low budget movies have stock footage in them. However, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians uses the old standard of the military preparing to unleash the dogs of war. Plan 9 from Outer Space has quite a bit of military stock footage and the same driving scene 15 times or so...Even worse, the stock footage in this movie isn’t even necessary. If Earth sent a rocket after the Martians, they battled to rescue Santa. That would at least justify some of the stock footage. At best, we’re given those scenes to pad the running time a few more minutes.

Average movie fans seem to truly despise this movie. And, if you go by standard definitions of "good" and "bad", this movie will definitely rank up there in the bad category. I can't let an explanation go by that. "The so bad it's good" school of thought would truly embrace it as a long lost child. As big a B-move fan as I am, I'm not as fond of this movie as some. However, I don't despise it and want it cast into the same realm as Massacre. A maniacally laughing Santa, a "polar bear", a robot, Martians, kidnapping and enforced labor couldn't be that bad in a movie. Could they?

Quotable Dialogue
"Winky is in charge of space department."
"We need a Santa Claus on Mars."
"All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit."
"We'll activate Torg to capture a rolly-polly little man like Santa Claus."
"I can 't recall a time when you were so silent."
"Tomorrow marks the end of Operation Santa Claus."
Morals of the Story
Martian children love watching the Earth news.
Santa smokes.
8 year old girls can barely feel -90°
10 year old boys can disable radar jamming devices on rockets.
It doesn' snow much at the North Pole.
Martians are proficient in speaking English.
Martians love slinkys.