Zardoz (1974)

Cast:

Sean "The name's Bond, James Bond...." Connery is Zed
Charlotte "Between Zardoz and Orca the 70s weren't kind to me.." Rampling is Consuella
Sara Kestelman is May
Niall Buggy is Arthur Frayn, Zardoz
John Alderton is Friend

What the box says:

Sean Connery delivers a powerful performance in this fantastic vision of a future world divided into two societies. The Vortex is an isolated, heavily guarded, lush community of immortal scientists and intellectuals called the Eternals. Outside the Vortex lies a desolate world laid waste by war and pollution, peopled by the Brutals, primitive savages and killers who worship a fearsome god, Zardoz. But one rebellious Brutal (Sean Connery) is determined to survive on his own terms, which could threaten the balance of civilization...and possibly destroy it. Co-starring Charoltte Rampling, Zardoz is an entertaining adventure praised for its spedial effects and imaginative vision.

Plot:

The WHAT-THE-HELL FACTOR of this movie cannot be described without differential equations.

We see a floating head with a magic marker mustache. He introduces himself as Arthur Frayn and Zardoz. He is 300 years old and immortal. This story may or may not occur.

In 2293, a floating head approaches as masked men ride near.

Fear my granite HEAD!!!! They worship Zardoz who speaks to them. They are chosen to kill the brutals. Apparently, guns are good. However, genitalia aren’t good. Zardoz commands them to go out and kill. Guns spew out of Zardoz’s mouth. The red diaper brigade rejoices. Sean Connery finally appears.

Zardoz flies away. Grain is stored in it. Zed emerges and finds numerous naked people in ziplock bags. He also spots the mustached narrator. Zed shoots him. As Frayn falls out of Zardoz, he calls Zed a boor.

Zardoz comes in for a landing. Zed scouts the village finding in abandoned. He finds domes of plants in plastic bags.

Zed finds a shrine to Zardoz and a jack in the box. Somehow he activates a hologram generator. Suddenly, a hologram of Frayn appears which freaks out Zardoz.

He spots some people collecting crops.

Zed follows them. The hologram ring begins teaching him.

Naked horseback rider passes by. Zed tries to follow her but loses her.

A woman approaches him and uses her mental powers to keep him from shooting her.

She questions him about the Vortex. Zed is forced to tell how he got in the Vortex. We get a flashback of Zed exterminating. The Eternals are watching his memories. Zardoz had the Exterminators use the Brutals to farm.

May wants to study Zed and discover what happened to Arthur Frayn. Consuella wants Zed dead. The question is how Zed penetrated the Vortex.

Another flashback shows the Exterminators hunting down the Brutals. The memories are being played for the entertainment of the Eternals. May and Consuella are curious about what Arthur was doing in the Outlands. I thought the Outlands were around Jupiter or Saturn. Zed will be studied. The chicks are examining him. The Eternals debate what to do with the diaper clad intruder. They vote to keep him.

Zed is put on display in a cage. Blonde fey guy, Friend, questions Zed about Arthur. He takes Zed to a room full of statues and has Zed work.

The Eternals are having a feast. Zed goes with May. Zed falls into a glass pyramid while the Eternals are eating. May is studying Zed and watching the trail of another Eternal.

The Eternals are at work.

Dude, you are so funny like Pauly Shore.... Friend and Zed are discussing laws and punishment. Apparently, an Eternal found guilty of a crime is aged but not allowed to die. Eternals can kill themselves but are rebuilt. Friend takes Zed to meet the Renegades, elderly immortals.

They watch the end of the Eternal trial.

Zed starts feeling up some chick. Somehow, a blowup doll would be more receptive to his advances. She is an Apathetic, hardly moves at all. Zardoz had the Brutals grow extra food to support the Apathetics. Zed gets pissed by the chick not being warm for his form. He tosses her away like a rag doll. Angry Zed ensues pitching a fit.

The Eternals are having a discussion of how to awaken Mr. Happy. They can’t pitch a tent in their pants. None of the immortals are interested in the sweet art of porking. However, Zed is capable of shagging whenever, baby…They make him watch some porn and wrestling. Little Zed isn’t down with that. Apparently, Zed is standing at attention just from looking at Consuella.

Consuella is taking more notes on Zed. We learn that the Eternals don’t sleep.

Zed is a mutant with an enlarged brain and total recall. May questions why Zed is here. Consuella is still convinced that Zed is a threat. May will let him go if he obeys her.

At dinner, Consuella wants Zed out of the room. Eternal society is based on absolute equality, blah, blah, blah…Consuella wants May to erase Zed. A vote is called about Zed. In 7 days, he will be killed.

The Eternals get up to have a group meditation session. Friend refuses to join minds. Friend rants how he can’t stand women. The rest brand him a Renegade. By pointing there fingers at him and making humming noises, Friend collapses.

Somehow, Wayne and Garth are acting awfully strange

The hippie people stop the finger pointing.

Zed runs off but can’t get past the Vortex force field.

Later, Zed visits the Renegades looking for Friend, who blames the former secret agent for his recent premature aging. After the elderly learn that Zed is mortal, they dog pile on Professor Henry Jones Sr. Apparently, Friend wants to die and end humanity.

For some reason, Zed starts asking about the Tabernacle and how to destroy it. Friend reveals that May has the secret of death. That bit of information gets Zed after her.

Zed wants the truth and can handle the truth from May. Flashback ensues. Zardoz gave Zed’s people guns to kill the Brutals. However, one day, Zed chases after a masked man and found a reading primer. Zed learns to read and uncovers the history of humanity. One book seems to particularly haunt Zed.

May demands to know about that book.

Zardoz orders the hunters to farm not kill. Each year, Zardoz takes the harvest away. Apparently, Zed and some of the others are mutants that want the truth.

The secret of the Zardoz is revealed. The book is the WiZARD of OZ. Apparently, Arthur Frayn was inspired by the book to control the Brutals. Zed snuck into the Vortex to get revenge. May apparently is awfully warm for the hairy form of Sean Connery.

Consuella pops up and promises to age May 50 years for her transgression.

Somehow, Zed is blinded. Artsiness ensues. Suddenly, Topless Chick restores Zed’s sight. She’ll help him if he’ll deliver death to the Eternals. We get another flashback to why the Eternals barricaded themselves away from the rest of humanity. They ignored the suffering of the outsiders and became more emotionally dead.

Zed is trapped in a giant plastic bubble. The Eternals want him dead. The rugged diaper clad man is able to break through the admantium bubble. Rushing to the Vortex, Consuella pursues him.

Later, the emotionally dead Eternals have reassembled into quite a group of torch wielding peasants desperately craving to lynch Zed. A number of buildings are set on fire to draw him out.

However, a number of Eternals flock to Zed. The chicks crave Zed. Hot Sapphic action and orgy begins. Unfortunately, Consuella kills the fun and Zed being groped. He escapes again.

The Renegades catch Zed. More trippyiness ensues. Some Eternals are getting awfully hot and bothered.

Consuella wants Zed dead. The Renegades sneak a wedding dress clad SEAN CONNERY to Friend.

Do you take this woman however how mustached to be your wife? He needs to talk to May about destroying the Vortex. May wants to change the Vortex. She offers to let Sean Connery knock up all the Eternal chicks to improve the place.

Eternals storm the mansion.

Zed will learn all the knowledge of the Eternals and get to knock plenty of boots. Trippyiness and naked chicks ensue. IF you ever wanted to see mathematical formulas projected onto topless women, this is the scene for you about an hour and 16 minutes or so in. Poetry, languages, singing, math, philosophy, etc…

Zed awakens and learns of the Vortex. Renegades had children who became the Eternals and grew up with immortality. The Vortex cannot be destroyed.

Knowledge will be safe. The Eternals solved the mysteries of the universe. There is no escape. Zed starts shooting at the Tabernacle. A crystal connects the Eternals to the Tabernacle. Zed programmed to react when he finds the crystal.

Zed is surrounded by mannequins not the Kim Cattrall kind though…One dummy taps him on his shoulder. It is Arthur Frayn who stabs the hero with a fake knife. T.S. Elliott quoting ensues. Frayn vanishes.

The mob breaks into the mansion.

Consuella catches Zed. However, she can’t kill him. She loves him. The thrill of the hunt is always better than the kill. She is able to keep the other Eternals away from Zed.

Zed looks into the crystal to contact the Tabernacle. He finally realizes the crystal is the Tabernacle and the sum of all knowledge. The Tabernacle asks for Zed to join them.

Zed is in the Tabernacle? Trippyiness ensues as Sean Connery runs around screaming “TABERNACLE.”

Disembodied heads plague Zed in a hall of mirrors. One gunshot destroys the Tabernacle. Zed kills a mirror image?

Eternals rampage and destroy various works of art.

Women carry Zed away. Consuella arrives. Zed uses his telekinesis to undo some of the damage.

The Eternals realize that Zed is gone.

Zed gives the crystal to the last of the originals. Crazy rambling ensues before he dies.

Zardoz’s head crashes to the ground. Zed sends the Eternal chicks he banged away.

Renegades start to die. Arthur Frayn and friend claim to have created Zed to free them.

The Eternals are mortal again. They must say their goodbyes now. Topless chick wants Zed to liberate her. Suddenly she’s shot by one of Zed’s people. The Brutals gun down the Eternals. It is a turkey shoot.

Zed takes Consuella away before the mansion explodes.

In the distance, May and the other pregnant chicks hear the gunshots.

The Brutals kill Frayn and Friend.

In a cave, Zed and Consuella share the love. Months later, Consuella gives birth. Time lapse to a nursing Consuella. More time lapse as the child growns up and leaves the cave. Zed and Consuella reach old age and are only skeletons as the credits roll.

What I say:

Since my 50^th review, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Ed Wood's masterpiece starring Tor, Vampira, and Bela Lugosi for 5 minutes. That review includes a poem I wrote. I've been trying to do something special for each 25^th review. Slave of the Cannibal God was my 75^th review and my first foray into the infamous Italian cannibal genre. But, now? What kind of introduction am I leading up to? This movie to have taken me the longest of any reviews. This was to be my 100^th review. Well, at the 51 minute marker, the movie froze up. It wouldn't play past that point. So, what do I do with a half watched movie? It was moved to the far more infamous "dead stack" of DVDs that won't play and what I had written for the review was moved to the far more infamous "dead letter" review folder. Eventually, I found another copy and after quite a bit of debate. I broke down and got it. My first copy, I gave to a friend just so he could experience half of Zardoz because, I don't think he would watch the entire thing...

It took a lot of thought to find something appropriate enough for this week's review. The 175th review. A lot of sites have covered this movie. I said a long time ago I'll try to avoid doing movies that other sites have done. But, every site is going to have so movie overhang with other sites. And, I do, too...This movie is so warped. I've got to review it....

B-movie reviewers are a strange lot. Like you needed me to let you in on the that big secret. While a lot of movies are like the bad movie limbo, how low can you go? There is another side to it. It is a unstated fact that most movies that start with the letter Q, X, or Z are inherently bad. There are some exceptions like the X-Men movies. I wouldn't want to offend the very hot Anna Paquin...Enough for sounding like a demented stalker for the immediate future. Do any of the Xtro movies carry enough quality to atone for their wretchedness? Q, X, and Z are just hard letters to find with movie titles.

I will hear some of my friends talk about how great an actor Sean Connery is on occasion. And, if I do. I will ask them about Zardoz. A blank stare will be my friend's answer. Oddly enough, anyone who considers Sean Connery to be a great actor hasn't seen this movie. I've made a lot of jokes about Mr. Connery in this review, and I'm not doing it for contempt of the man. He is a good actor for the most part: Untouchables, the James Bond movies, and Entrapment. Any movie that has Catherine Zeta-Jones writhing around on a floor is par excellence in my book (Sorry writhing Catherine Zeta Jones distracts me as she shold do the same thing for you...). Sean still has had some stinkers in his time. Highlander 2: the Quickening and Zardoz are a couple of hard movies to atone for.

John Boorman started off making interesting movies or at least a couple with Lee Marvin. However after Deliverance, the movie that brought inbred hillbillies to the national forefront. Well, it was the movie that gave us one of the most horrifying movie quotes. "Boy, you got a right pretty mouth. Squeal like a pig, boy." I'm not sure if they are so scary coming from this movie or when Steven Segal did his impression of the Deliverance quotes in Fire Down Below. However, I'm getting off the track again. John Boorman directed Exorcist 2: the Heretic. How do you make a movie so universally reviled? A movie that unites the world in utter contempt. Thus his descent into artist is so complete as to not make any sense whatsoever. He has managed to pop up now and then with a movie that isn't completely mind-warping. Excalibur was a gorgeous film. I've not got around to Tailor of Panama. However, the quesion of the hour is how he got Connery in a diaper and thigh high boots either involved massive amounts of drugs or alcohol or massive blackmail.

Could Sean Connery get any farther from 007 than running around in thigh high boots and a red diaper? I know his brother Neil Connery starred in Operation Double 007, a rip-off of James Bond that even has Moneypenny in it. If they get into any fights at a family reunion, Neil just brings up Highlander 2 or Zardoz.

Sean Connery is in a daze as he wanders through this movie. Who wouldn't be in this movie? Immortals live in a traditional English village with various pyramids scattered about the grounds. Various relics from previous centuries are left behind. Sean Connery jumping from playing with a jack in the box.

Many people complain about sci-fi movies having nothing more than just aliens and explosions. These are the people who claim science fiction should be thought provoking. Every movie provokes thoughts be they great profound movie to stinks like a trash dumpster in summer. That isn't good enough. Science fiction has started to gain a snobby feel. Books or movies for that matter can challenge people. However, when the purpose seems to make the audience feel stupid for not getting what the writer or director envisioned, the creative forces have failed. I've read Frank Herbert's Dune series several times and each time leads me to think less of the sequels. Every continuing book seems to have more and more unexplained plot points that don't really lead anywhere as the book continually mires deeper into philosophy that makes less sense than the great thoughts that pop into your head at 4 A.M. about walking toasters.

Before delving into my thoughts about Frank Herbert, I'm trying to get across that Zardoz has so much symbolism and allegory to confuse most people except for some philosophy majors. I should have a better opinion of philosophy classes. However, the 2 philosophy classes I took didn't really catch my interest: talking about what dead guys thought of life seems fairly abstract. Some classes are taken for easy blowoff credits. Most are required for your major. How understanding Utilitarianism will make your life better is a mystery?

Years ago, when I saw Zardoz originally, I didn't have a very good impression for it. Strangely enough, another movie that the SCI-Fi Channel doesn't show anymore. My best explanation of this movie is don't try to gain any meaning from it. Enjoy it as Sean Connery running around in a diaper and thigh high boots shooting immortal intellectuals. He did a better job of battling immortals in the Highlander movies.

Many other review sites have hit Zardoz before me. The Agony Booth has a far more detailed review than mine. I think Albert has a higher pain tolerance than I do especially from hitting some of the more feared movies of the 70s. Myra Breckinridge anyone? With as many sites that have tackled , I would try to leave it alone. However, the question then becomes is it too bad for me. It is a challenge. I couldn't think of a trippier mindwarping movie to review.

Charlotte Rampling, after Zardoz, I understand why the unfilmed version of Dune wanted her for the Lady Jessica. There isn't any real reason why Consuella who was leading the angry mob to destroy Zed who stops and then decides she loves him. The entire movie Consuella is at best wants to dissect Zed for lab experiments. Though at the end, she realizes she actually wants to be shaken not stirred like James Bond's martini.

To be fair, Burt Reynolds was originally going to do Zardoz. He had to quit. Sean Connery wasn't very successful at in the early to mid 70s after leaving the James Bond movies. Desperate for work, Boorman was able to get Connery for this movie very cheaply. However, I'm sure drugs or blackmail had to be involved at some point.

Zardoz has quite a few things going for it. Possibly one of the most insane movies ever made. With as hated as Highlander 2:the Quickening is, it isn't confusing. We get more philosophy than anyone going off on a Objectivism rant could ever achieve. A movie that throws around so many ideas isn't deep. If you took out half of the symbolism, Zardoz would still be completely confusing.

We get T.S. Elliot and Nietzsche quotes. Among the Beethoven symphonies, it is trying to get us to accept this movie is PROFOUND ART. Sean Connery in a wedding dress may not be PROFOUND ART but PROFOUNDLY FUNNY... If anyone tells you this is a profound movie, they must have some degree in philosophy and working as a dishwasher at IHOP. Zardoz doesn't make enough sense to blow an electron into another orbital ring around the nucleus of an atom...This movie is almost more insane than an "Ayn Rand discussing the merits of L. Ron Hubberts philosophy" convention.

First, there is difference between a message movie and boring. Sure Zardoz has plenty of scenes that don't make any sense. If you wonder why my explanation near the end sounds awfully questioning. The end makes so little sense it is hard to follow. It still isn't anywhere near say the boring nature of say Massacre. Boring doesn't have anything to keep you awake. Zardoz is so screwed up as to be more entertaining than it should be.

Quotable Dialogue
"Zardoz speaks to you."
"The gun is good."
"The penis is evil."
"I kill for Zardoz."
"I've always voted against forced farming."
"No Brutal has ever penetrated the Vortex."
"I love the moment of their death when I am one with Zardoz."
"Friend is beyond redemption."
"Now hear this, you old farts..."
"There's a world for it...Beastiality..."
" I have my followers. Inseminate us all, and we'll teach you all we know. Give you all we have."
Morals of the Story
Sean Connery is perplexed by holograms.
Fey blonde men wear tights.
Sean Connery makes an excellent Rik-shaw driver.
The Elderly are to be feared...
One reading primer will allow you to comprehend everything including T.S. Eliott.
After 300 years, immortals forget everything that ever motivated them.
Sean Connery will always be a bride never a bridesmaid..