There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

 WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

 BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

 I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

 So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

 I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

 My kid had sex with your honour student.

 If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

 Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.

 Hang up and drive.

 Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

 WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

 Lord save me from your followers.

 Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

 Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

 God must love stupid people, he made so many.

 Cats... the other white meat.

 Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

 Wink, I'll do the rest!

 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

 Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

 Hard work has a future pay off, laziness pays off NOW.

 He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 How can I miss you unless you go away.

 I am not as think as you drunk I am.

 I brake for no apparent reasons.

 I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

 I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

 It's lonely at the top but you eat better.

 Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

 Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

 Where there is a will , I want to be in it.

 Work is for people who don't know how to wish.