When a customer complained about the bread to the baker, he replied:"I was making bread before you were born"."May be", said the customer,"but why sell it now?"

 An ad in a local paper " Dear John, come home forgive and forget .I have destroyed that apple pie recipe. Helen."

 In a bus a gentleman takes out a cigarette from his pocket. " Excuse me madam," he says, addressing a little old lady. "May I smoke please?" "Do exactly as you would at home,"she replies."Alright"sighs the man and sadly keeps back his cigarette

 A youngster outside a bank noticed two 1-rupee coins lying on the pavement near the wall of the bank building,"Look mummy "he said "the Bank is lea king".

 A driver is safe when the road is dry,

 And the road is safe when the driver is dry.

 There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us, that we need law and religion for all of us.

 A week before her birthday a nine-year-old girl told her mother to give her baby boy as a birthday gift. When the mother replied there wasn’t enough time, the girl said,"Why don’t you do what they do at dad’s bank? Whenever there is not enough time to do the work they put more men at the job".

 Son in law staying in mother in law’s house. Saying when she can stay for 6 months why can’t I.

 Ad in a newspaper ‘Boxing by correspondence course’

 Travel guide explaining that M.F.Hussain and Madhuri Dixit spent their nights in this hotel.

 To a gentleman for his son saying that your daughter is beautiful. Gentleman tells him that he is her son and has got her looks.

 Two WWF opponents on a Virar train, 1 buys return ticket. Other buys single ticket saying I always use opponents ticket.

 Using neighbours pocket as spittoon.

 Four men in the ladies room watching T.V

 An office going for automation. A wise salesgirl tells woman staff to wear dresses from their showroom only as these are especially designed to make the boss think twice before change.

 Honeymoon- most beautiful night not to miss.

 Payments by kiss.

 Put a zipper after surgery.

 In Manali one coffee with sugar , 2 without sugar for cold feet.

 Why God never received a PhD:

 He had only one major publication.

 It was in Hebrew.

 It had no references.

 It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.

 Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

 It may be true that he created the world , but what has he done since then?

 He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

 He rarely came to class, just told the students to read the book.

 Some say he had his son teach the class.

 He expelled his first two students for learning.

 Although there were only ten requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

 There is a clever helicopter pilot whose job is to ferry VIP’s from the Seattle airport to downtown. One day he found himself with a passenger in a pea soup fog somewhere over downtown Seattle. No landmarks were visible and the passengers became panicky.

 The pilot said "Don’t worry" and very gradually let the helicopter down until it was hovering opposite the window of a large, unidentifiable building. The pilot motioned to a woman working in the building to open her window and asked her "Where are we?" The woman responded "You are in a helicopter."

 The pilot immediately lifted the helicopter above the building tops, flew a mile and a half, let it down through the fog, and the landing pad dead centre. The amazed and relieved passenger said "How on earth did you do that?" The pilot said, "It was simple. The information the woman gave me was perfectly accurate and utterly useless. I knew that she had to be working at the Microsoft Customer Support Centre.

 The batsmen stops the bowler in the middle of the game, stands upright removing his cap. Surprised players find a funeral passing by and join him. They find his gesture very touching. "Well it was the least I can do, after all we were married for twenty-five years.", the batsmen said.

 At an international meet the English the French and the Indian ambassador were using a break in negotiations by discussing the nationalities of Adam and Eve. "She must have been English", said the English ambassador, "only an English woman would be so selfless as to give away all her food to her husband." "No, only the French would have been sitting naked in a garden enjoying a picnic.", said the French ambassador. "No, no, you are both wrong", said the Indian, "here are two people who have no clothes to wear, very little food to eat, nothing to do and they think they are in paradise. They have to be Indians."

 Sonia Gandhi asked her P.A. to prepare a twenty minutes speech. The following day she stormed into the office and shouted at the P.A., "I asked for a twenty minute speech, but it lasted for an hour. And what's more it was so boring it had everyone asleep." "Ma'am, I did right, a twenty minute speech but I supplied you with two extra carbon copies."

 One day when God arrived at the heaven gates he found a long queue of men behind the notice which read- "Queue here all men who are henpecked by their wives.". But behind the second notice- "Queue here all men who are not henpecked by their wives.". There was only one little chap. "Why are you queuing here to enter heaven?", God asked. The little man said, "I am not sure, my wife just told me to stand here."

 A zoo keeper was sent to the airport to collect a consignment of penguins, one hot summer day. Unfortunately on his way back, the van broke down, so he got out for repairs. The penguins were getting very uncomfortable, so he was pleased when another van driver pulled up to help. "Do me a favour. The penguins are very uncomfortable in the back in this heat. Would you take them to the zoo for me? Here's a five-hundred rupee note for your troubles." The other van driver helped him and took the penguins in his van. After a few hours when the zoo keeper reached back at the zoo, he found that the penguins are not there. He set off for the police station, but halfway there he saw his penguins merrily walking down the pavement following the other van driver. "Hey!", he yelled, "What do you think you are doing with my penguins? I gave you enough money to take them to the zoo." The other man said, "Yes, I know that. I took them to the zoo, and they seemed to have liked it. But I have still got some money left over so I thought I would take them to the movies."

 A speaker on over-population- "Do you realise that somewhere in the world a woman is giving birth to a child, every sixty seconds." A man in the audience shouted, "The solution is easy, We better find this woman and stop her."

 Son asking his father, looking at his father's marriage photograph- "Was that the day mom came to work for us?"

 Doctor advised his patient that he has got only six months to live and he should give up alcohol, cut out smoking and not to eat any fries food or sugar etc. "Will it make me live longer?" The doctor said, "No, it will just seem like longer."