Top Ten Things Characteristic of Ted Koppel or Insects - February 1987
10. Can eat through fabric.
9. Can feel superior to Sylvester Stallone.
8. Can carry gigantic crackers back to nest or dressing room.
7. Enjoy chats with Sam Donaldson about big melting Hershey bar on sidewalk.
6. Builds home out of own body secretions.
5. Can annoy Barbara Mandrell in her sleep.
4. Really enjoy Art Buchwald's jokes. (insects only)
3. Have ruined many a young boy's camping experience.
2. Sticky hair on legs useful in organizing evening's notes.
1. Can breed in standing water.
Top Ten Things Heard at New York City's St. Patricks Day Parade - March 17, 1987
10. "Today, my name is Mayor O'Koch."
9. "Allright! Another bagpipe band!"
8. "Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it."
7. "You have the right to remain silent . . . ."
6. "That's not a float -- that's Tip O'Neill."
5. "Awww . . . not on my shoes!"
4. "These foreign cars tip over much easier."
3. "Hey, that guy's not wearing green -- kill him!"
2. "While we're in the neighborhood, let's drop by the Museum of Modern Art."
1. "You'll get your personal effects back downtown, Monsignor."
Bernhard Goetz's Top Ten Pickup Lines - June 17, 1987
10. "Excuse me, Miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you."
9. "How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?"
8. "Care to dance with an intense gun-toting loner?"
7. "You would have a very curvy chalk outline."
6. "I hate these pistol ranges, they're just meat markets."
5. "Sure, I know Gabe Pressman personally."
4. "Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor will have."
3. "Which do you think is funnier - Deathwish II or Deathwish III?"
2. "The evening is young. Let's clean up this town."
1. "That is a gun in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
Top Ten Radio Formats - June 18, 1987
10. Dog-frequency easy listening
9. Bagpipes for lovers
8. Amish call-in
7. Top hits marred by heavy static
6. Brothers of superstars
5. 24-hour phone-in whistling
4. Noisy music for the unemployed foreigners next door
3. Gospel parakeets
2. News with swear words
1. Show tunes for sissy-boys
Top Ten New York City Science Projects - June 19, 1987
10. Summer Heat and Rotting Garbage: Fuel of the Future
9. Buoyancy in Mob Corpses
8. Roaches and Music: Pretty Much Any Nightclub in Town
7. Trigonometry of the Ricochet
6. Inducing Unconsciousness in Strangers
5. Shoving Matches: The Universal Language
4. Removing Flesh from a Gold Chain
3. Men Who Kiss Each Other
2. Bio-pneumatics: Token-sucking Observed
1. Lab Rats: Sissy Cousins to the Real Thing
Top Ten Sources of Friction in the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver Marriage - 6/22/87 (REPEAT)
10. Language Barrier
9. Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours
8. Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke
7. Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe"
5. Refuses to Learn Works to "Edelweiss"
4. Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country
3. Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig
2. Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
1. Body Oil on the Upholstery
Top Ten Things That Will Happen Before the Olympics are Held in Korea - June 23, 1987
10. Jesse Jackson Sends Away TV Cameras: Demands Privacy
9. Amish Terrorists Seize Airliner
8. Bob Guccione Offers Million Dollars to Barbara Bush for Photo Layout
7. Ishtar II
6. Jane Pauley Shaves Head to Lower Wind Resistance
5. Shuttle Mission to Moons of Jupiter Manned by the O'Jays
4. Record Turnout at New York City Ballet's Father/Son Picnic
3. to Star in TV Adaptation of "The Hobbit"
2. Sunday Morning Today Show Shatters Nielsen Record
1. Mike Tyson Named England's New Poet Laureate
Don King's Top Ten Titles for the Pope/Waldheim Meeting - June 24, 1987
10. The Meet at St. Pete
9. The Grapple Near the Sistine Chapel
8. The Thrilla in the Basilica
6. The Nazi Meanie vs. the Guy in the Beanie
5. His Grace Meets the Master Race
4. Fun with the Hun
3. Woodstock II
2. Pops 'n' Schnapps
1. A Couple of Really White Guys Sitting Around Talking
Top Ten Off-Season Sports on ESPN - June 25, 1987
10. Uninflated Basketball
9. Fat Guy Hacky-sack
8. No-Hands Auto Racing
7. Shirts-and-Skins Speed-Typing
6. Amish Rake Fights
5. Miniature Horseshoes
4. Dropping Cows from Planes
3. Padded Suit Lumber Swat
2. Oprah Tipping
1. Dog Hockey
Top Ten Offers G.E. Has Made to the Striking Technicians at NBC - July 02, 1987
10. Immediate Upgrade of Bulbs in Desk Lamps to Next Highest Wattage.
9. Unlimited Air Travel on Delta Airlines.
8. Free Muppet Babies Mug with Purchase of Every Large Commissary Cola.
7. Kitchen Privileges at Michael Landon's Beach House.
6. Sports Crews on Road Trips No Longer Have to "Tuck In" Joe Garagiola.
5. Real Medical Personnel in NBC Infirmary - Not Willard Scott in Nurse's Costume.
4. Free Copy of Robert C. Wright's New Album "Funk Machine".
3. End Bryant Gumbel's So-called "Buddy System".
2. Manila Envelopes Filled with Alf-droppings.
1. No Longer Have to Refer to G.E. Executives as Microcephalic; May Openly Call Them Pinheads.
Top Ten New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines - July 16, 1987
10. Delta: We're Amtrack with Wings.
9. Delta: Join Our Frequent Near-miss Program.
8. Delta: Ask About Our Out-of-court Settlements.
7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'em Off!
6. Delta: Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall.
5. Enjoy the In-flight Movie on the Plane Next to You.
4. Delta: The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides.
3. Delta: You Think It's So Easy, Get Your Own Damn Plane!
2. Delta: Our Pilots are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose.
1. Delta: We Might Be Landing On Your Street!
And 5 more just for the heck of it. . .
5. Delta: Terrorists are Afraid to Fly with Us.
4. Delta: Bring a Bathing Suit.
3. Delta: So That's What Those Buttons Do!
2. Delta: A Real Man Lands Where He Wants To.
1. Delta: We Never Make the Same Mistake Three Times
Top Ten Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating - July 17, 1987
10. She Never Put the Cap on the Body Oil.
9. She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III".
8. The Closest He Could Get to Saying Her Name Was "Buh-juh".
7. She Couldn't Get the Hang of Making Nestles Quik.
6. Her Ceaseless Cello Practicing Made It Difficult for Him to Work on His New Translation of Flaubert.
5. Wrestling Pit Bulls Not an Adequate Form of Foreplay.
4. She Got Tired of His Tirades About the "No-talent" Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. She Saw "Rhinestone".
2. She Got Tired of Explaining How the Paperweight Worked.
1. Fights During Scrabble Games Over Whether "Yo" is Real Word.
Peter Holm's Top Ten Grievances Against Joan Collins - July 22, 1987
10. Waiting Area Outside Bedroom Had Old Magazines
9. She Made Him Empty Makeup Buckets to Earn $20,000 Weekly Allowance
8. Other Pets Have Their Names on Water Dishes
7. Annoyed By Reminiscences About President Van Buren's Sexual Prowess
6. Couldn't Break Her Habit Of Hollering "Next!"
5. Wouldn't Support His Campaign for Presidency of "Weaselly Gigolo Club"
4. Never Invited to Annual "Night of 100 Paperboys"
3. Freak Electrical Storm Caused Bedroom Lights to Go on During Night
2. Somebody Finally Told Him What "Parasite" Means
1. Tired of Passing Motorists Honking and Yelling "I Had Her!"
Top Ten Dear Abby Letter Signatures - July 23, 1987
10. Bewildered in Baltimore
9. Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
8. Female, Bearded and Happy
6. In Prison and Loving It
5. Naked in James Garner's Garage
4. A Cleveland Baseball Team
3. Bryant Gumbel
2. Mr. Pelican Pants
1. 'Whipped in the White House
Top Ten Other Things George Schultz is Mad About - July 24, 1987
10. Nude Photos of Mrs. Schultz Found in Ollie North's Wallet
9. Afternoon Hearings Force Him to Miss "His Stories"
8. Nobody Writes About His Obsession with Jody Foster
7. No One in Washington Wants to Get a "George Schultz" Haircut
6. Doesn't Get Half the Skirt Kissinger Did
5. His Video is no Longer in Heavy Rotation on MTV
4. "George Schultz Potato Puppets" not Selling Very Well
3. Hogan's Men Always Cutting Through Barbed Wire (Sorry, that's Sgt. Schultz)
2. Always Gets Barbara Bush's Keys at White House Swap Nights
1. His Secretary Looks More Like Monty Hall
Top Ten Things Overheard at Billy Joel's Moscow Concert - July 29, 1987
10. Concert? I thought this crowd was to buy toilet paper.
9. I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so!
8. I'm a communist party animal!
7. Our countries may have their differences, but we can agree "Piano Man" really gets on your nerves.
6. There's no chance Yakov Smirnoff will come back, is there?
5. Check it out! Loose potatoes! Loose potatoes!
4. I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO special.
3. The one who threw the Frisbee . . . shoot him.
2. His female fans are covering the stage with burlap panties!
1. You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue.
Top Ten Commercial Casket Models - July 30, 1987
10. The Dirt Master
8. Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7. The Slim Reaper
6. The 19th Hole
5. McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4. The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3. Cap'n Crypt
2. The Cardboard Warrior
1. The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
Top Ten Folk Dances Or Mild Nervous Disorders - repeat from 1986
10. The Tarantella
9. The Reel
8. The Jitters
7. The Clog-Dance
6. The Screamin' Meemies
5. The Fling
4. The Hula
3. The Willies
2. Just Plain Edgy
1. The Shakes/The Hokey Pokey (tie)
Top Ten Worst Jobs in New York City - August 4, 1987
10. Peep Show Booth Swabber
9. Subway Courtesy Monitor
8. Projectile Catcher, Base of Empire State Building
7. Derelict Stubble Maintenance Man
6. P.R. Director, Bernhard Goetz's Soul Kitchen
5. De-louser for Broadway Show "Cats"
4. Curator, American Museum of Bodily Fluids
3. Guy with Office Next to Rex Reed
2. Port Authority Singalong Leader
1. Mob Corpse De-bloater
Joe Niekro's Top Ten Excuses - August 6, 1987
10. The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9. I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8. I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the bullpen telephone.
7. Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6. I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.
5. I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's autobiography.
4. Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3. I've been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2. It was all William Casey's idea.
1. I like to give pedicures to ballboys.
David 's Top Ten Questions People Ask Me - August 6, 1987
10. Did someone cut your hair with a pocket knife?
9. Are you going to do Carnac tonight?
8. If you're really a detective, shouldn't you have some I.D.?
7. What sort of work are you looking for here at CBS?
6. Why would I want to pull your finger?
5. Who told you this was a nude beach?
4. More Champale, my funky friend?
3. Would you like an attorney assigned to you by the court?
2. Who is this? Why do you keep calling?
1. How did you get a show?
Top Ten Rejected Donahue Topics - August 7, 1987
10. People who keep thinking it's Tuesday
9. Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland
8. Problems of guys named Don
7. People who have seen Raymond Burr naked
6. Blacks who really get a kick out of sonny Bono
5. Department store Santas who marry their customers
4. People who swear Rex Reed stares in their windows at night
3. Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape
2. Women who just can't forget Ted Bessel
1. Professional Bowlers who touch themselves
Top Ten Unnecessary Surgical Operations - August 11, 1987
10. Hernia Implant
9. Saliva Transfusion
8. Decorative Lung Fringe
7. Internal Tanning
6. Carbonation of Spinal Fluid
5. Adding Third Taillight
4. Molding Liver into Shape of Little Scottie Dog
3. Ball-scuffing (A mistake, this should have appeared on another list about Joe Niekro)
2. Permanent Bow-tie
1. Combining Large & Small Intestine into One More Manageable Medium Intestine
Top Ten Surprises in the President's Speech - August 12, 1987
10. Pajama tops didn't match bottoms
9. Unexpected Bob Hope walk-on
8. Smouldering armchair in background cause for concern
7. Couldn't remember 4th & 5th verses of "Wabash Cannonball"
6. Impromptu cornet solo by Howard Baker
5. Obvious plugs for new presidential shampoo & conditioner inappropriate
4. Unannounced 3-minute clip from "La Bamba"
3. Refusal to add caffeine to 7-Up an odd cornerstone for U.S. foreign policy
2. Tearful confession that he killed William Casey with poison blow-dart
1. Hysterical shouts of "We're hurtling toward the Sun!" made poor closing statement
Top Ten Least Successful Yankee Stadium Promotions - August 13, 1987
10. Shave a player's legs night
9. Pick your own car radio parking lot bonanza
8. Oldtimers' widows vs. Triple-A All-stars
7. Your wife's nude photo on Diamondvision night
6. Anyone can pitch night (only against Cleveland)
5. Underwear swap with grounds crew
4. Yogi Berra makeover night
3. Look in Dave Winfield's pants night
2. A night in the court of Louis XIV
1. Players adjust your cup night
Top Ten Things Communists Are No Damn Good At - August 18, 1987
9. Imitating Elvis
8. Laying Rubber in Front of the Dairy Queen
7. Arena Football
6. Stage-diving at Motorhead Concerts
5. Broadcasting Warm Sitcoms Featuring Lovable Black Families
4. Naming Soft Ice Cream Cakes
2. Producing a Boxer with as Much Heart as Rocky
1. Guessing Final Jeopardy
Top Ten Excuses by the U.S. Basketball Team for Their Loss to Brazil at the Pan American Games - August 25, 1987
10. Had really heavy lunches
9. Upset about Valerie Harper leaving "Valerie" show
8. U.S. team often played as many as 2 white guys at once
7. Overcome by mysterious sleepiness after barrage of blowdarts from Brazilian bleachers
6. Disturbed by pregame discovery of Brent Musburger's shrunken head in locker room
5. Unnerved by hundreds of Hitler clones doing wave in stands
4. Constantly threw ball out-of-bounds to stop shrieking of spider monkeys
3. That big liar Fred MacMurray didn't come through with the promised Flubber
2. Tired out from night before's mixer with gymnastic sluts
1. Team motto "Go for the silver" not very inspiring
Top Ten Things Overheard in a General Electric Research Lab - August 26, 1987
10. "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!"
9. "I keep forgetting, which is AC and which is DC?"
8. "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?"
6. "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine."
5. "This is the episode where they almost get off the island."
4. "What we save on the radiation shielding, we can put into advertising.
3. "The new guy develped a new long-lasting, inexpensive filament. Kill him."
2. "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! AAIIEEEEEE!
1. "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on."
Top Ten Reasons Why TV is Better Than Books - August 27, 1987
10. Book readers miss out on K-tel record offers
9. Can't drive and read at the same time
8. No one ever got a paper cut from Hugh Downs
7. Books ask difficult questions but don't give away cars or cruises for right answers
6. Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of chesty babes
5. "Soul Train"
4. Learning to work TV set solid training for future astronauts
3. TV easier to spell than book
2. No fun to dance in your underwear in front of book about Jane Pauley
1. Ralph Waldo Emerson. The Equalizer.
Top Ten Reasons I'm Retiring from Show Business - August 28, 1987
10. Tired of Endlessly rehearsing so-called "ad-libs"
9. Want to really get to know my bodyguards
8. New government regulations pay me more to not entertain
7. Thrill has gone out of humiliating underlings
6. grueling 4-hour work week just too much
5. No longer under protection of federal witness relocation program
4. must return to home planet for sacred mating ritual
3. Photos Paul ha sare more incriminating than I first thought
2. Jack Nicklaus asked me to . . . and that's enough for me
1. I saw last night's show
The Pope's Top Ten Complaints About His U.S. Tour - September 15, 1987
10. Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca
9. Not sure how people got impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson
8. Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa
7. Mark Goodman's hair
6. 7 bucks? For a movie?
5. McDonalds coupons from one city not always honored in another city
4. Hitchikers keep switching stations on Popemobile radio
3. Lukewarm crowd reaction to his 20-minute bass solo
2. Casey Kasem
1. Doctrine of Papal Infallibility no help to him on Final Jeopardy question
Top Ten Names for Robert Bork's Beard - September 16, 1987
10. The Chin Slinky
9. The Amish Outlaw
8. The See-Through
7. My Very First Beard (from Kenner)
6. The Lunatic Fringe
5. Senor Itchy
4. The Radioactive Goat
3. Salute to C. Everett Koop
2. Gopher Butt
1. The Babe Magnet
Top Ten Rejected Provisions of the U.S. Constitution - September 17, 1987
10. President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him up in junior high
9. Give vote to dogs who "think they're people"
8. When flag passes everybody has to open eyes as wide as they can and say "Gollee!"
7. Third house of Congress to be filled by really fat guys
6. If president and vice president die suddenly, presidential office shall be filled by People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"
5. Cruel and unusual punishment is OK on Andy Rooney
4. The national bird must be served on a bun - never on a stick
3. Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking babes
2. Damage deposit of $25 required before renting the White House for keg parties
1. The president can change his name as often as he likes
Top Ten Questions Asked of Miss America Finalists - September 18, 1987
10. Since when is knuckle-cracking considered a talent?
9. If you were shipwrecked on a desert island with Geraldo Rivera, how long would it be before you took your own life?
8. How's it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?
7. Aren't I a lot cuter than Bob Barker?
6. Have you ever been on a cruise with Gary Hart?
5. Why are they called celebrity judges when none has had a decent job in years?
4. Aren't there any other girls in your state?
3. If you had to earmark one of the other girls for death, which one would it be?
2. Quick -- spell America!
1. Do you really think you have a chance, Mr. Biden?
Top Ten Reasons Joe Biden Dropped out of the Presidential Race - September 23, 1987
10. To promote his new album "Bad"
9. Plans to spend more time with imaginary coalminer relatives
8. He accidentally delivered Nixon's resignation speech
7. Realized he didn't have a chance against the Gephardt juggernaut
6. His term paper business is really taking off
5. Couldn't pronounce "Ich bin ein Berliner"
4. Finally got tickets for last leg of Dead tour
3. Decided to run for presidency of Hair Club for Men
2. "The New Monkees" are on TV now and a man has just so much time
1. Wants to chase skirts full-time with Gary Hart
Top Ten Things Robert Bork Regrets - September 24, 1987
10. Ruling against plaintiff in Lovable Homeless Puppies vs. State of Illinois
9. Starting a beard he couldn't finish
8. Challenging Ted Kennedy to a dough-eating contest
7. Bragging to buddies that he'd be tongue-wrestling Sandra Day O'Connor by Christmas
6. Putting Pop Tarts in pocket of condemned man to see what electric chair could do
5. Letting Billy Dee Williams beat him out for that malt liquour endorsement deal
4. Letting Justice Rehnquist talk him into buying half-interest in boxing kangaroo
3. All those long tear-stained letters to Ray Walston
2. "Doing the elephant" at Warren Burger's retirement party
1. Stormy 3-week marriage to Morganna the Kissing Bandit
Jessica Hahn's Top Ten Turn-Ons - September 25, 1987
10. Guys with their own amusement parks
9. Sipping drugged wine with someone who respects me
8. Making Mom really mad
7. Suits that are at least 30% cotton
6. Men who look like frogs
5. Jokes about Donna Rice
4. Some of the commandments
3. High school graduates who aren't all stuck-up
2. Men with wives who make me look good
1. A single perfect rose and a sack of hush money
Top Ten Other Things William Casey Said on His Death Bed - September 29, 1987
10. "Nice nurse outfit, Woodward."
9. "That fruit cake Mrs. Reagan sent me tasted kinda funny."
8. "They actually tried that Iran thing? I was just kidding!"
7. "Oh boy, only one more piece to go and I complete my Civil War chess set."
6. "Here's another one for you, Sandy Duncan is KGB."
5. "If Michael Jackson calls, hold out for half a million."
4. "C'mon. One last sponge bath."
3. "Damn! Just when arena football was getting good."
2. "If they make a movie, don't let Pee Wee Herman play me."
1. "Remember the Gong Show? I was the unknown comic."
Mikhail Gorbachev's Top Ten Excuses for Being Missing - September 30, 1987
10. Having cosmetic surgery to make his nose resemble Diana Ross'
9. In a really long line for toilet paper
8. Afraid he might run into Billy Joel
7. Wanted to just suddenly appear in public with really big muscles
6. Sick of being asked what "glasnost" means
5. Finally got hand unstuck from pickle jar
4. Working on ambitious plan to introduce chain of Rusty Jones outlets throughout USSR
3. Bought van; followed Grateful Dead on tour
2. Overseeing joint CIA/KGB plan to eliminate Yakov Smirnoff
1. On a trans-Siberian sex bender with Miss Estonia
General Electric's Top Ten Earthquake Tips - October 1, 1987
10. To communicate with neighbors, flip porch light on and off
9. Shore up sagging foundations with newly purchased electric stove
8. Destroy Westinghouse products; replace them with G.E. products
7. Use blender to make pitcher of nerve-soothing daiquiris
6. Discourage looting by surrounding house with hundreds of open waffle irons turned on high
5. Switch on yard and pool lights before evacuation
4. Prepare kid for tremors with educational rides in the washing machine
3. Boost morale by stringing up all your Xmas lights and turning them on
2. Entertain family by making crank calls to Sylvania headquarters
1. Use the dream of a 4-way light bulb of the future as incentive to stay alive
Top Ten Current Goals of the New York Mets - October 2, 1987
10. Keep uniforms as clean as possible for the remainder of the season
9. Trace genealogy of name "Mookie"
8. Finally learn words to "The Star-Spangled Banner"
7. Think up rude new nickname for Whitey Herzog
6. Make whiny late-night calls to commissioner Ueberroth claiming Cardinals are "cheaters"
5. Get to know -- get to really know -- stadium organist
4. Get green card renewed (Rafael Santana)
3. Sleep in (Darryl Strawberry)
2. Play last game of season buck naked
1. Sign up for area NFL teams
Top Ten Unsuccessful Mall Shops - October 6, 1987
9. Kentucky-Fried Pinworm
8. One-Hour Autopsy-Mat
7. Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole
6. The Prescription Drug Swap Barn
5. Big-and-Tall-Men's Lacy Lingerie
4. Dr. Don's Plasma Pantry
3. Mookie's Cookie Nook
2. Giant Radioactive Red Lobster
1. Grandma's Old-Fashioned Smallpox-Infested Army Blankets
Top Ten Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association - October 7, 1987
10. Curious George and the High-Voltagge Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating all his Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Re-tells Favorite Fairy Tails but Can't Remember the Endings to all of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Pocket
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
Top Ten Slogans of the Scab NFL - October 8, 1987
10. We're not football players . . . but we play them on TV!
9. Come for the refund . . . stay for the game!
8. Bring a helmet and join the fun!
7. Get spit on by Lawrence Taylor!
6. It still beats arena football!
5. Out-of-condition athletes guarantee plenty of personal injuries!
4. We have a fine selection of magazines!
3. Look! It's my old gym teacher!
2. Enough beer and you won't know the difference!
1. It's scab-tastic!
Top Ten Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize - October 13, 1987
10. You have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf
9. Automatically disqualifies you from being a contestant on "Jeopardy"
8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
7. More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services
6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics
5. Have to get in embarassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners
4. Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red Lobsters
3. Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer prize-winners usually end up in a brawl
2. Sarcasm of postman when he says, "Here's your copy of Big Juggs magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate."
1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures
Top Ten Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting - October 14, 1987
10. Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
9. Divorce Barabara; marry 13-year-old cousin
8. Stick tongue inn Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with necklace made of bear teeth
6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the Bushmeister"
5. Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember."
4. Bend standing microphone into pretzel-shape; give to cub reporter as souvenir
3. Nickname him George "The Sexecutioner" Bush
2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind & Fire
1. Shorter speeches, tighter pants
Top Ten Iranian Pick-Up Lines - October 28, 1987
10. "You'd look great under a couple more veils."
9. "Truly Allah made you in the image of Heather Locklear."
8. "I hate these rallies against the American jackals -- they're just meat markets."
7. "You'd look beautiful in the glow of that burning tanker."
6. "How about you and me hijack a plane to Cancun?"
5. "We could go to my place -- if you don't mind a few hostages."
4. "So the streets of the world will flow red with the blood of non-believers. By the way -- nice earrings."
3. "I can't believe they're making another Police Academy movie."
2. "Which airport do you think has the loosest security?"
1. "I don't see it myself -- but people tell me I look like the Ayatollah."
Top Ten Scariest Sentences - October 30, 1987
10. Here's your bunkmate for the flight to Jupiter -- Miss Carol Channing.
9. You've been traded to the Indians.
8. All rise for Chief Justice Norm Crosby.
7. They're tiny, superintelligent, with poisonous stingers and I saw them come in here.
6. I thought you sold our stocks last month.
5. Mr. Gotti wants us to teach you some manners.
4. How does it feel to be the new Mrs. Jerry Lee Lewis?
3. Looks like we're going to be cellmates -- pretty boy.
2. Bob Woodward is here to see you.
1. This nude beach is fun. Say, isn't that Tommy Lasorda?
Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips - November 4, 1987
10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
7. John Gotti always has the right of way.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
Princess Diana's Top Ten Complaints About Prince Charles - November 5, 1987
10. Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos.
9. Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom.
8. Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.
7. That phony British accent.
6. Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter.
5. Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef.
4. Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons."
3. Always calls Pizza Hut before we're decided on topping we want.
2. Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah."
1. Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts.
Top Ten Other Things Douglas Ginsberg Has Admitted Doing - November 6, 1987
10. Sneaked into other movies at the cineplex.
9. Cut through service station to avoid a red light.
8. Rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of game without the express written consent of Major League baseball.
7. Actually bought the single of "Convoy."
6. Lied to pals about being member of the "Mile-High Club."
5. Wrestled in the South under name "The Junkyard Justice."
4. Used proper noun while playing home version of "Password."
3. Beat a drifter to death with a tube sock full of wood screws.
2. Used Prell for regular hair even though his hair is oily.
1. Skipped ahead to ending of constitution without reading whole thing.
Top Ten Least Visited New York City Tourist Attractions - November 17, 1987
10. The Museum of Subway Odors
9. Cat Meat Cook-Off
8. The Abandoned Auto Show
7. Amish Peep Shows
6. Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour
5. Knicks Games
4. Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair
3. Mob Informant Aqua-Show
1. The Frozen Spit Rink
Top Ten Reasons Why Anthony Kennedy Will Be Confirmed to the Supreme Court - November 18, 1987
10. Was given all the answers to committee questions by Bork and Ginsburg.
9. Has come out strongly against Liza Minnelli.
8. Promised everyone on committee dinner on him at nearest Red Lobster restaurant.
7. Pretty handy with his mitts.
6. He was great in all those "Airport" movies.
5. Computer favorite following talent competition.
4. Already played a judge on episode of "Starsky & Hutch."
3. Parents have a ski house and they're hardly ever there.
2. Sold interest in chain of head shops a long time ago.
1. Looks great in black.
Top Ten Things Overheard in Times Square - November 19, 1987
10. "Quick! Call 911!"
9. "I'll take a pack of gum and a ninja spike, please."
8. "I'm pretty sure there's only one `L' in Rolex."
7. "Valet parking at the Port Authority? What a surprise! Here are my keys."
6. "Gibt mir die Polizei! Mach schnell!"
5. "Only one person per booth Mr. Chancellor!"
4. "You're right! It does smell a little like root beer!"
3. "I refuse to get on the bus to Ohio until we find the rest of Mrs. Gardner."
2. "Yikes! Those hollow points really hurt!"
1. "It's getting so you can't tell the transvestites from the transsexuals."
Top Ten Way to Reduce the Federal Deficit - November 20, 1987
10. Eliminate throw pillows from the cockpit of the B-1 bomber
9. Make national park rangers provide their own hats
8. Start charging for tours of U. S. Embassy in Moscow
7. Step up taxation of rich - except for strategically important talk show hosts
6. Sell ad space on president's forehead during State of the Union Address
5. Use tremendous military strength to "shake down" Norway for a couple of grand
4. Charge a buck to take a poke at a condemned criminal
3. Print up a single jillion-dollar bill; use it to buy candy bar; pocket the change
2. Don't send so many cakes to the Ayatollah
1. Let Ed Meese take a billion dollars to Vegas and try out his blackjack system
Gorbachev's Top Ten Happiest Memories of America - December 11, 1987
10. Stocking up on toilet paper
9. Solving "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle before contestants
8. Crashing limo into Fotomat and pleading diplomatic immunity
7. Getting a great deal on that Rolex bought on the street
6. Not wearing underwear during treaty signing
5. Shouting out punch lines to Yakov Smirnoff's act
4. Looking up old skirt-chasing buddies from the Marine Corps.
3. Hearing own voice on the Home Shopping Network
2. Just getting away from the kids, Kremlin, the whole ball of wax
1. Spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors
Gary Hart's Top Ten Christmas Wishes - December 15, 1987
10. Newspapers latch onto photos of Michael Dukakis and bearded lady.
9. Jesse Jackson suddenly loses his ability to rhyme.
8. People start referring to sleazy womanizing as "Kennedyesque."
7. George Bush gets irresistible urge to fondle Jean Kirkpatrick at press conference.
6. Complete set of yearbooks from the Barbizon School of Modeling.
5. To be played by Lorenzo Lamas in Donna Rice's made-for-TV movie.
4. Miss September consents to be his running mate.
3. Snow for a white Christmas.
2. So much snow that his secretary can't get her car out of the driveway and has to spend the night.
1. The Landers sisters and a case of malt liquor.
Top Ten Least-Known Norman Rockwell Paintings - December 21, 1987
10. "A Boy's First Manicure"
9. "The Old Hobo's Infected Foot"
8. "The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout"
7. "Caught Touching Himself"
6. "Sniper in the Mall"
5. "Sweetheart of the Cell-Block"
4. "Christmas at the Hair Club for Men"
3. "Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga"
2. "Bad Clams"
1. "Turn Your Head and Cough"
Top Ten Elf Pick-Up Lines - December 22, 1987
10. "I'm down here."
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi."
7. "I can get you off the naughty list."
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler."
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."
Top Ten Way Circus People Celebrate Christmas - December 23, 1987
10. Geek says grace; bites head off turkey
9. Clowns dress like wise men and pile into tiny car
8. Bust into lost and found; try on hats
7. Warm slices of bologna on boiler of steam calliope
6. Get elephants to stomp open brazil nuts
5. Get drunk and take a swing at the ringmaster
4. Bake a pan of gingerbread pinheads
3. Put on Andy Williams records; have midgets waltz with monkeys
2. Tell really mean insulting jokes about Democratic presidential candidates
1. Walk down to the highway; throw bottles at police cars