Top Ten Things Dave Prays to God Won't Happen in 1988 - January 6, 1988
10. U.N. declares "International Year of the Vee-Jay"
9. Nabisco introduces Hair Newtons
8. Guests take me up on offer to "come back anytime"
7. Bryant Gumbel joins the carpool
6. Fans find out I'm voice of Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs bird
5. Peter Ueberroth allows Tommy Lasorda to manage nude
4. National Guard units start taking orders from Buck Owens
3. Copy turns up of my old movie, "Cockpit Sex Fest"
2. Leonard: Part 7
1. Venus slips out of orbit, scrapes Earth, I have to replace gutters
Top Ten Things that are Hot in the Soviet Union - January 7, 1988
10. Yankee rocker Bert Convey
9. Wet babushka contests
8. Turnips Cajun-style
7. Making smart comebacks to uniformed officers in your head
6. Smuggling out long-distance dedications to Casey Kasem
5. Catch-phrase "Workers of the world are not gonna pay a lot for this muffler"
4. Claiming you once drove a cab in New York City
3. Souvenir swatches of Tom Brokaw's sheets
2. Having them page really dirty names over labor camp loudspeaker
1. Doing "the wave" at the Bolshoi
Elvis Presley's Top Ten Household Hints - January 8, 1988
10. A little club soda will get food stains out of satin capes.
9. Bargain metal polishes may discolor solid gold piano.
8. Use blowdryer to speed up defrosting time on TV dinners.
7. A wad of gum will keep medallion from sliding around your chest.
6. Stubborn stain on auto upholstery? Buy a new car.
5. Jewel-encrusted belts make good emergency snow treads.
4. Put Las Vegas souvenirs on mantle for "museum" effect.
3. Out of hairspray? Try Pam.
2. For a classy dessert, remove sticks from Eskimo Pies before serving.
1. A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
Top Ten General Electric Products in Development - January 12, 1988
10. Artificial appendix
9. Electric dreadlock de-tangler
8. TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent
7. 3-speed back shaver
6. Secret beam that causes brains of Sylvania executives to balloon up until they burst
5. Telephone voice modulator that makes you sound like Alex Trebek
4. TV screen that makes every Cosby Kid look black
3. New patio for Robert C. Wright's house
2. Zombie monkeys who operate waffle iron
1. The vibrating pocket-buddy
Top Ten Rejected Themes for the Ice Capades - January 13, 1988
10. Big Bird Gets Mites
9. A Fat Smurf Hits on Dorothy Hamill
8. Eldridge Cleaver's Soul on Ice on Ice
7. Torvil and Dean Fight over the Guy Who Drives the Zamboni
6. Squeaky Fromme. Where Are You?
5. Snoopy Stains the Ice
4. March of the Not-Very-Masculine Ice Dancers
3. Peggy Fleming in Ice Bitches Behind Bars
2. Thin Costumes Plus Cold Air Equals Entertainment for Dad
1. True Ice Fishing Tragedies from Police Files
Top Ten Highlights of the Australian Bicentennial - January 14, 1988
10. Unveiling of world's largest been can pyramid
9. Prime Minister opens bottle of beer with eye
8. Colossal 500-pound shrimp lowered onto custom-rigged volcano barbie
7. Poet laureate manipulates beer belly to look like kangaroo pouch
6. Live national telecast of drunken Qantas koala set loose in convenience store
5. Postage stamp issued honoring "Now that's a knife" scene in "Crocodile Dundee"
4. Cultural Minister shotguns 6-pack of Fosters while singing "Waltzing Matilda"
3. Schoolchildren given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer
2. Nuclear missiles fired at Antarctica as climax of outdoor beer-a-thon
1. Bee Gees released naked in Outback; hunted for sport
Campbell's Top Ten Least Popular Soups - January 19, 1988
10. Cream of Gristle
9. Tomato Garagiola
8. Old-fashioned Grease & Weasel
7. Mink Bisque
6. Turkey with Platformate
5. Tap Water & Lawn Trimmings
4. Turkish Prison Surprise
3. Bryant Gumbo
2. Sideburns 'n' Barley
1. Manhattan-style Windex & Shrimp
Top Ten Questions Science Cannot Answer - January 20, 1988
10. Which one's Kate and which one's Allie?
9. How did Ed McMahon get my home address?
8. How can guys on the street sell real Rolexes for $10?
7. Why don't the laws of physics inhibit the expansion of Paul Prudhomme?
6. How can wrestling refs miss so many illegal holds?
5. How could the IRS be so dense about my "church"?
4. Why do men achieve orgasm in a second while women never have them?
3. Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, he never complained about having to stand in straw soaked with his own urine?
2. How can 10 short items take an hour to read?
1. What exactly was Jimmy the Greek bred for?
Top Ten Least Popular Attractions at Disney World - January 21, 1988
10. The Raw Sewage Flume
9. Oprah Mountain
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of Short Actors in Stifling Animal Suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
1. Peter Pan's All-male Cinema
Top Ten Excuses by the Denver Broncos - February 2, 1988
10. Pregame shoe mix-up with rockettes
9. Depressing halftime pep-talk by Larry Holmes
8. Wanted to keep uniforms clean for postgame photo
7. Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands
6. Show-off John Elway called plays in French
5. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently
4. Worried sick about this George Bush/Dan Rather tiff
3. Entire team giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special" on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. Wanted to beat the traffic
1. Coach's ill-chosen battle cry of "Let's win one for the late Roy Cohn!"
Top Ten Signs that Dan Rather is Goofy - February 3, 1988
10. Took swing at Hamburglar statue at New Haven McDonalds; made children cry
9. Marketing Dan Rather's Own Original Invisible Salad Dressing
8. Thinks the miniseries "Elvis & Me" is about Elvis & him
7. Likes to sit alone in office in empty box, humming to self, claiming he's "on assignment"
6. Demands colleagues address him as "Debbie"
5. Obsessed with temperature in studio
4. Tells some friends he really loves Bartles; others he really loves Jaymes
3. He's not giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special" on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. He's friends with Andy Rooney
1. Now signs off each broadcast "I'll paint any car any color for $99.95"
Top Ten Reasons We've Been on the Air for 10 Years - February 4, 1988
10. There's nothing else on
9. Watching me makes viewers feel good about their own haircuts
8. America has enjoyed watching Opie grow up on the show
7. Program costs less to produce than a pitcher of Kool-Aid
6. Many viewers believe Tom Snyder will return in mid-broadcast and mop the floor with me
5. Youngsters think Paul Schaffer is a puppet
4. My friendship with Frank Sinatra
3. People love Vanna
2. The same reason people slow down for a car wreck
1. I love people, and I guess it shows
Top Ten Things Our Receptions Say Every Day - February 5, 1988
10. "No, Tom Snyder is not here."
9. "You're a bunch of guys in a college dorm? Let me give you Dave's home number."
8. "Hello. Bill Wendell's Amway Headquarters."
7. "Thank you Mr. President, but no one here played in the Super Bowl."
6. "If you wish to sue Mr. Letterman, I can give you the 800 number."
5. "Nice language, Mr. Gumbel!
4. "I'm sorry. We're all out of transcripts of the bed-wetters show."
3. "No, I only lead the band during the show. I'm on the phones during the day."
2. Oh yeah? Well, he probably thinks you're an unfunny jerk too!"
1. Yes, Mr. Donahue, Marlo's up here. But she doesn't want to talk to you."
God's Top Ten Pet Peeves - February 9, 1988
10. People who mumble when they pray
9. I've got to hear all of Andy Rooney's thoughts
8. Just can't seem to get California to fall in the ocean
7. People at the table who open their eyes and size up the pot roast during grace
6. Being everywhere at once, I have to sit through the Tony Awards
5. The way they fire veejays before you really get to know them
4. Cosby acts so "stuck-up" lately
3. That Nissan ad with the obnoxious actors pretending to be auto engineers
2. Still getting flak for letting in Jim Morrison
1. Pat Robertson
Top Ten Ways to Perk Up the Bush Campaign - February 11, 1988
10. Star in aminmated commercial with dancing raisins.
9. Spread rumor he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
8. Weep openly at Doobie Brothers reunion concert.
7. Get old CIA buddies to lob nerve gas canisters into Pete Dupont's headquarters.
6. Let reporters find him naked in stalled car with Nina Blackwood.
5. Wear a cast on arm; claim he got it saving Sinatra's life.
4. Deliver speeches in a squeaky voice.*
3. Release doctored photo that makes it look like he's met President Reagan.
2. Give God $10 million to call Pat Robertson home.
1. Show up at Dan Rather's house swinging pool cue and shouting "Here's you frequency, Kenneth!"
* Already does this.
Cornella Guest's Top Ten Things She Likes about Sylvester Stallone - February 16, 1988
10. Can squeeze words "I love you" into a single belch.
9. I can feel free to quote in original Latin and Greek.
8. He's so cute when he tries to pronounce "debutante."
7. Easy to remember the endings to his movies.
6. The way his eyes lit up when I explained how Nestle's Quik works.
5. Makes my shallow Eurotrash friends feel at home.
4. He's the first man to literally drool over me.
3. He always says "May I?" before he marks a room with his scent.
2. Three more months and I've got grounds for a palimony suit.
1. His stupid heavy-lidded gaze puts me at ease.
Top Ten Reasons the U.S. Has Won Only One Stinking Bronze Medal - February 17, 1988
10. Jamacian bobsled team tougher than we thought.
9. Thought you could rent skates there.
8. Distracted by fabulous shopping in Olympic Village.
7. Too much emphasis put on written portion of competition.
6. Majority of team mistakenly went to Calcutta -- where they're kicking butt!
5. Distracted by Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford making out in the press box.
4. Hope to get high-paying "Agony of Defeat" spot on Wide World of Sports.
3. Ice dancers can't concentrate with dashing Mounties around.
2. Who cares? The real Olympics are Sept. 16 through Oct. 7 right here on NBC.
1. Uniforms are just so itchy.
Dave's Top Ten Election Tips - February 18, 1988
10. Practice voting by flicking light switch on and off.
9. Always find out how a candidate stands on Sunday beer sales.
8. If you repeat the name "Dukakis" 100 times out loud, it starts to sound real funny.
7. We want a president who stands up to Iran or Iraq or whoever has the bearded guy.
6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and shout "Hey who used all the hot water?"
5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame you if you stayed home to watch "Hardbodies" on cable again.
4. If a station preempts wrestling -- call and complain.
3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore. Who would know?
2. President Stallone: it won't happen unless we make it happen.
1. Remember: your vote counts as much as people who know who the candidates are.
Top Ten Cartoon Characters or Organized Crime Figures*
10. Felix the Cat
9. Popeye the Sailor
8. Jimmy the Weasel
7. Matty the Horse
6. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
5. Dominic the After Dinner Mint
4. Scooby-Doo the Butcher
3. Grant the Chairman
2. Vito the Cartoon Chipmunk
1. Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Gli Anatroccoli Della Morte, the Ducklings of Death
* The characters in this Top Ten List do not represent any ethnic group
and it would be erroneous and unfair to suggest they do. The majority
of cartoon characters and Italian-Americans are hardworking, law-abiding
citizens and a credit to our nation.
Top Ten Reasons Why Dave Should Have Been Named the US Magazine "Entertainer of the Year" (Tom Selleck was) - February 23, 1988
10. My six-octave range
9. I design all my own costumes
8. Selleck's goons intimidated my supporters in key midwestern states
7. I did very well on the written part of the competition
6. Remember "Lassiter"?
5. I would use power of title to restore peace in Mideast
4. I spent over 20 grand on cheekbone implants
3. Selleck is only about 5' 1"
2. These readers' polls are turning into nothing but popularity contests
1. Damn it, I deserve something! Don't I?
Top Ten Ways the Show Would Be Different If It Were on Radio - February 25, 1988
10. Could wear cheaper hairpiece.
9. Instead of endlessly repeating "It's hot in here" I could endlessly repeat "Turn your radio down."
8. Guests could sit on my lap.
7. Could get laughs by using cheap sound effects instead of actual jokes.*
6. Could send out my autograph on picture of Pierce Brosnan.
5. Wouldn't have to be here at 6 a.m. every day for application of prosthetic chin.
4. Enjoying show in moving car would be safer.
3. Teri Garr would be on a lot.*
2. Could probably say "Bite me."
1. Love songs, nothing but love songs.
* Do this anyway
Top Ten Problems of Anthony Kennedy Being the New Guy on the Supreme Court - February 26, 1988
10. Have to rent robe until custom-tailored one comes in.
9. Stuck with worst equipment in Supreme Court weight room.
8. Have to go to liquor store on Fridays to cash everybody's paycheck.
7. Sandra Day O'Connor calling your legal opinions "cute."
6. Can't get high with Judge Ginsburg anymore.
5. Only get to write opinions for fender-benders and complaints about the CBS Record Club.
4. Have to sell Supreme Court albums at table in lobby during intermission.
3. Last one to see Hustler magazine left over from Falwell case.
2. Can't put off reading the Constitution any longer.
1. Nobody takes you seriously when you sentence a guy to death by electrocution.
Top Ten Unpleasant Things to Hear on an Elevator - March 1, 1988
10. Does this look infected to you?
9. Do you know these pants are reversible?
8. Hold the door! Willard's coming!
7. The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodeling.
6. Sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button.
5. Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?
4. We're both going to the 14th floor. How about a hug?
3. I'm not just a Jehovahs Witness -- I also sell insurance.
2. Does this smell like root beer to you?
1. Just ignore Duke. We're going to have him fixed soon.
Top Ten Good Things about General Noriega - March 2, 1988
10. Always says "Please pass the kneecap drill."
9. Generous frequent-flyer program on all drug-smuggling flights.
8. Offers comfort and reassurance to guilt-ridden riflemen in firing squads.
7. Sometimes gets misty listening to Julio Iglesias records.
6. His homemade Rice Krispie squares are the hit of every brutal interrogation session.
5. Thrifty habits have allowed him to put away several billion on modest soldier's salary.
4. Muffles screams of torture victims after 11 p.m.
3. Has world's largest collection of porcelain mice.
2. Never schedules public executions during Cosby show.
1. Gives young people who aspire to be blood-drunk lunatics someone to look up to.
Michael Jackson's Top Ten Activities While in New York - March 3, 1988
10. Go to Museum of Natural History, try to purchase remains of tyrannosaurus.
9. Buy Broadway cast of "Cats" for backyard zoo.
8. Have slap fight with Greta Garbo.
7. Pick up an "I Love New York" mug for Tito.
6. Order more lingerie for Bubbles.
5. Meet Brooke Shileds; get legs waxed together.
4. Appear at comedy clubs with Emmanuel Lewis posing as Willie Tyler and Lester.
3. Knock back shots and beers with ironworker pals in Jersey City.
2. Golf! Golf! Golf!
1. Rap with street gangs like ones in video; get crap beat of out him.
Top Ten Reasons Why Dave is Taking Next Week Off - March 4, 1988
10. City Council ruling that this time I have to clean up my yard.
9. Told Jimmy Swaggart I'd guest-host for week.
8. I'm just plain lazy.
7. Want to use up everything in kitchen and bathroom cabinets before expiration dates.
6. CBS is putting "Adderly" up against us. Why even try to compete?
5. Square dancing! Square dancing! Square dancing!
4. Now is the time to plant zinnias.
3. Had Scheduled same guests as in repeats anyway.
2. Getting house ready for annual barbecue I host for my fans.
1. I'm going to Disney World with Brian Boitano.
Top Ten Really Nice Things about New York in the Summer - July 5, 1988
10. Abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells.
9. Out-of-towners overjoyed by secret hope that maybe they'll get to manage the Yankees.
8. Air-conditioned comfort of bright, shiny, well-appointed subway cars.
7. Ed Koch usually out of town on "business."
6. Warm, thin air enables stray bullets to travel farther.
5. First-run Broadway plays waive no-shirt, no-shoes, no service policy.
4. Giant heat-seeking, bat-like lizards swarm skyscrapers at night.
3. Most cab drivers, in lieu of tip, gladly accept gentle kiss on forhead.
2. Bobbing corpses in East River make perfect water ski slalom course.
1. Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos.
Top Ten Things Iran & Iraq have Agreed On - August 9, 1988
10. Iran must remove "Iraqis do it with germs" bumper stickers.
9. Official name of conflict to be "The Duel in the Dunes."
8. In next war, Iran will be shirts; Iraq skins.
7. Bombs should not be counted as a piece of carry-on luggage.
6. Get to keep any really hunky prisoners until Labor Day.
5. Final body counts will be tallied by the firm of Price-Waterhouse and kept secret until awards dinner.
4. Really ugly guys should wear veils too.
3. Leftover nerve gas to be piped directly into Rex Reed's home.
2. The television and movie producers are money-grubbing scum.
1. Will both try to say "I love you" more often.
Top Ten Good Things about the Greenhouse Effect - August 10, 1988
10. Melting polar ice caps make for better surfing.
9. Long lines at Disney World reduced by sunstroke.
8. With five years, Jerry Lewis' hair will be bone dry.
7. Can use "stuck in road tar" as acceptable excuse for missing work.
6. ABC will take a $200 million bath on Winter Olympics.
5. Intense heat should open pores in General Noriega's forehead.
4. My dog-shaving business will take off.
3. "I'm dehydrated" will replace "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler" as America's favorite phrase.
2. Can cook lobster by lowering it into toilet.
1. Hot babes, less clothes. 'Nuff said.
Top Ten Slogans for Cher's New Perfume - August 11, 1988
10. I smell you, babe.
9. It's like having a tattoo in a bottle.
8. I'm not gonna pay a lot for this perfume!
7. It's Cher-rific!
6. The crowning touch to excessive plastic surgery.
5. It's easier than bathing.
4. I get 12 cents for every bottle sold.
3. Now any middle-aged woman can marry a teenager.
2. Easy-pour splatter-proof bottle.
1. Bring out the Bono in your man.
Top Ten Things Edmonton Still has Going for It - August 12, 1988
10. Plenty of parking near hockey arena.
9. Good chance for kids to see caribou mating.
8. Competition now wide open for Oilers' M.V.P.
7. Many filling stations offer classy "hi-test" gasoline.
6. Visiting hockey teams sure to celebrate after games: pouring money into local economy.
5. Only 6-hour drive to Calgary's abandoned Winter Olympic site
4. New advertising rates for broadcasting Oilers games very affordable.
3. Has big hearty laugh. (That's Ed McMahon.)
2. Won't have to change red bulb above hockey goal so often.
1. No traffic jams from Stanley Cup parades.
Dan Quayle's Top Ten National Guard Duties - August 23, 1988
10. Make sure armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks.
9. Look through catalogs for cute gifts for officers' wives.
8. Enforce "No Horseplay" rule at public pools.
7. Play hula girl on skit night.
6. Make sure hot side stays hot; cool side cool.
5. Make cool explosions sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades.
4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites.
3. Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-Elevens.
2. Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base.
1. Round-the-clock blob watch.
Top Ten Things President Reagan Hopes to Accomplish in His Last Months in Office - August 24, 1988
10. Get to know Paula Parkinson.
9. Send change-of-address cards to wrestling magazines.
8. Get snapshot taken with cardboard cutout of himself to baffle future historians.
7. Swipe headphones from Air Force One.
6. Introduce himself to George Bush.
5. At last press conference, have Secret Service remove the pants from Sam Donaldson.
4. Make final plea for Bush-Sharpton ticket.
3. Award Congressional Medal of Honor to Dick Gautier.
2. Get thoroughly briefed on what happened while he was president.
1. Call Jerry Ford about that time-share in the Poconos.
NBC's Top Ten Possible Slogans for the Seoul Olympics - August 25, 1988
10. You'll swear you smell the tear gas!
9. The Russians are back -- and we're goin' for the bronze!
8. Maybe you'll see a groin pull!
7. It's Gumbel-lievable!
6. What else you gonna watch? ABC? Come on!
5. Relaxed steroid testing equals more world records!
4. 100% guaranteed: no Dick Button!
3. Watch the ghost of Elvis cheer on our karate team!
2. We pre-empt Letterman!
1. These young people have spent a lifetime mastering goofy unpopular sports. The least you can do is watch!
Top Ten Revelations in Albert Goldman's Upcoming Biography of Ringo - August 26, 1988
10. Only Beatle to portray himself in "Beatlemania."
9. Used to give John and Paul token songs to sing so they wouldn't feel left out.
8. Had a secretary named Lincoln while Lincoln had a secretary named Ringo.
7. For a while, actually believed Paul was dead.
6. Served in Indiana National Guard during Vietnam War.
5. Suggested "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" as Beatles theme song.
4. On honeymoon, he and Barbara Bach held a "bed-in" to promote Seagram's wine coolers.
3. Made a fortune selling cheesy Ginsu knife sets on TV. (Sorry, that's a revelation about Ronco, not Ringo.)
2. Advised Paul that "Hey Dude" just didn't sound right.
1. Vocal on "Octopus's Garden" played backwards sounds like "Thank god these other guys are so talented."
Dan Quayle's Top Ten Pick-up Lines - August 30, 1988
10. "Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?"
9. "How about a drink with a historical footnote?"
8. "I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you."
7. "Can my father buy you a drink?"
6. "You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp."
5. "I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate."
4. "Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!"
3. "A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage he's done to the Republican party."
2. "I'll be vice president after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges."
1. "Why yes, I'm Pat Sajak."
Top Ten Reasons Bush Doesn't Want to Debate Dukakis - August 31, 1988
10. Fears his whiny piercing voice will cause bedlam at nation's kennels.
9. Most of his free time taken up styling Barbara's hair.
8. Can't say word "rebuttal" without giggling.
7. Secret identity makes it impossible for him to be in same room as Dukakis.
6. Tired of League of Women Voters throwing hotel keys and panties at him.
5. Might be seen on TV by other "wife" in Alabama.
4. Can't compete with Dukakis' life-affirming Zorba dance.
3. Organizers refuse to play him on with theme from "Sanford & Son".
2. Afraid to leave Quayle alone for 90 minutes.
1. Network regulations would prevent them from debating naked - like Lincoln and Douglas did.
Top Ten Things Overheard at New York City Payphones - September 6, 1988
10. "911? . . . sure, I'll hold."
9. "Oooh. What's this goo on the earpiece?"
8. "Mr. Gotti, that 'leaky pipe' won't bother you anymore."
7. "It's a pushbutton phone. But I didn't use my finger."
6. "This is Elvis. Any messages for me?"
5. "You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."
4. "This is Frank Stallone. I'm calling from my ... uh ... car phone."
3. "Gotta run -- don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer Olympic coverage broadcast September 15th to October 4th -- only on NBC."
2. "Is that a thumb in the coin return?"
1. "Hello. Al Sharpton's office."
Top Ten Reasons Al Sharpton and Dave Are Best Friends - September 7, 1988
10. He gives me a good deal on Lionel Richie tickets.
9. I call him "Reverend" and he calls me "Admiral."
8. Together we form the best two-man beach volleyball team on the east coast.
7. We're collaborating on a book of children's stories.
6. The more he's in the news, the less attention paid to my messy divorce from Julianne Phillips.
5. He gave me my street name "Dave."
4. Has my likeness on his gold medallion.
3. Usually volunteers to get in trunk when we go to the drive-in.
2. Most of the time, neither of us knows what we're talking about.
1. He makes my haircut look good.
Top Ten Things Overheard in Olympic Village - September 14, 1988
10. "I'm from the French team. Can I just see what a medal looks like?"
9. "After we get the gold in team handball, we just sit back and wait for the endorsement offers to roll in."
8. "Who would've guessed Morocco's national anthem was 'Sometimes When We Touch'?"
7. "I thought there would be rides."
6. "You want a ticket to the hammer-throw quarter finals? Good luck!"
5. "But officer, I'm the host of the Today Show."
4. "The Hyundai-toss is just an exhibition sport this year."
3. "Isn't that Elvis?"
2. "Official Dishwashing Liquid of the 1988 Seoul Olympics? You're soaking in it!"
1. "Look -- Superman! Now we'll never win a medal."
Top Ten Things Elvis Has Been Doing Since 1977 - September 15, 1988
10. Flight attendant, Piedmont Airlines.
9. Did yardwork for the colonel to help repay loan.
8. Regularly phoned Dominos Pizza from mountain hideaway to get free pies when they arrived late.
6. Yankee manager: Aug.-Sept. 1979; May-July 1982; June-Aug. 1985.
5. Joined Hunt brothers in unsuccessful attempt to corner world's fudge market.
4. Rooted around campground garbage in giant raccoon suit.
3. Used Vernon's influence to join Tennessee National Guard.
2. Taking care of business.
1. On-set tutor to Keshia Knight Pulliam on "The Cosby Show."
Top Ten Ways To Make a G.E. Executive Very Angry - September 16, 1988
10. Play "keep-away" with his company hat.
9. Bring in Sylvania bulbs from home.
8. Use plenty of two-syllable words in conversation.
7. Tell him there is no Reddy Kilowatt.
6. Ask him not to yell "Weeeeee" when riding the elevator.
5. Clip out article from USA Today on "America's love affair with candles."
4. Ask if G.E.'s guided missiles come in "avocado" or "harvest gold."
3. Use his "lucky pencil" without permission.
2. Ask him what the letters G.E. stand for.
1. Tell him you can't actually mate with cartoon characters.
Top 9* Good Things About Steroids - October 4, 1988
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney.
8. Prevent Dan Rather's voice from drifting into soprano range.
7. Keeps me from having that I-don't-fit-in feeling with my Bulgarian weightlifting pals.
6. We'll all need them to bulk up when the giant ants arrive.
5. Gives me the build I need for today's revealing fashions.
4. Great for community theater groups putting on Ibsen's "The Incredible Hulk."
3. They're scrumpdillyumptious!
2. Lets me replace lame Dan Quayle jokes with lame steroid jokes for a few nights.
1. Explains Bea Arthur.
* Only 9 to help NBC save money because they only made a measly $80 million on the Summer Olympics.
Top 9 Ways Dan Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 5, 1988
9. Underwent therapy to kick habit of licking hands when nervous.
8. Read a newspaper.
7. Tried to get copy of questions from frat brothers.
6. Practiced saying "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as fast as he could.
5. Refrained from having sex with lobbyists for 48 hours beforehand.
4. Put on eyeglasses and mortarboard to look smart.
3. Trained rats to swarm over Brokaw on cue.
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. Wrote on hand: "I'm Republican. He's Democrat."
Top Ten Things Dave is Grateful to Johnny Carson For(The Tonight Show's Anniversary Special - October 6, 1988
10. Gave me the name of a really good urologist.
9. By resurfacing his tennis court I've learned a new trade.
8. Once saved my life with Heimlich maneuver in Carl's Jr.
7. Stood by me when I was defrocked by Assemblies of God.
6. For pioneering the three-day work week.
5. One time after dinner sang special version of "Misty" for me. (That's Johnny Mathis)
4. Turned me on to Amway.
3. Being a good sport about my upcoming marriage to his ex-wife Joanna.
2. Helped me get my talk show license.
1. Used influence to get me into Indiana National Guard.
Top 9 Things Overheard in Omaha at the Vice Presidential Debate - October 6, 1988
9. "I'm sorry Mr. Brokaw. Wine coolers aren't allowed in the auditorium."
8. "Hey Pat! Where's Vanna?"
7. "It gives me chills to think one of these men could actually cast the deciding vote if there's a tie in the Senate!"
6. "What's Don King doing here?"
5. "For the 10th time, Mr. Brokaw -- no shirt, no shoes, no debate."
4. "Hey! That sleeper hold is illegal!"
3. "And you're no George Kennedy either!"
2. "Balance the budget? Hey pal, balance this!"
1. "Thank god he only came off as a run-of-the-mill boob."
Robin Given's Top 9 Grounds for Divorce - October 7, 1988
9. Got inexplicably sulky after she accused him of being a psychotic on national TV.
8. Objected to mother-in-law's cot in their bedroom.
7. His cello practicing kept her up until all hours.
6. Liked to kiss with his mouthpiece in.
5. Always asking "Which one are you?" while watching the Cosby Show.
4. Kept spit bucket by bed.
3. Unsupportive of her career as golddigger.
2. His pie crust was dry, not flaky.
1. Thought a bloodthirsty killing machine would be more gentle.
Mike Tyson's Top Ten Ways to Mend a Broken Heart - October 11, 1988
10. Take a warm bath, sip a fine brandy, and toss a sofa through a plate glass window.
9. Spend week trout fishing with Don King.
8. Compare your own life with Leon Spinks'.
7. Float rose petals in your spit bucket.
6. Put on as much gold jewelry as your spine can withstand.
5. Remember: there's plenty of heartless, calculating golddiggers in the sea.
4. Remind yourself that your best years as a casino greeter lie ahead.
3. Rush into a hasty marriage with Brigitte Nielsen.
2. Pictionary, pictionary, pictionary.
1. Try to see the good in each new mother/daughter team your go out with.
Dave Letterman's Top Ten Driving Tips - October 12, 1988
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them.
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over immediately, then try to flee on foot.
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer.
7. With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible.
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the wheel no matter how much he screeches.
5. To let other drivers know you're there, start blowing your horn as you leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination.
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency.
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun.
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan Connecticut Police Department. They are the unsung heros of the 20th century.
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents.
Dan Quayle's Own Top Ten Campaign Ideas - October 14, 1988
10. Dad gives every registered voter fifty bucks.
9. Silence critics by promising to start another war in Vietnam and fight in that one.
8. Switch from Sugar Pops to more mature bran cereal.
6. Baffle Lloyd Bentsen by legally changing name to "Jack Kennedy".
5. Allow college to release records of guy who took exams for me.
4. Let Don King handle everything.
3. ** Insert your own Indiana National Guard joke here **
2. Cough a lot so people think Bush with outlive me.
1. Point out that many of the great men of history were lightweight zeros.
Top Ten Ways Dukakis Can Close the Gap - October 18, 1988
10. Appear taller and more in command by only taking questions from dwarf reporters.
9. Talk about a zillion points of lights.
8. Charm and delight Americas's young people by pulling birds from his eyebrows.
7. Replace fundraising committee with Robin Givens.
6. Promise first act as president would be to kill everybody in Reebok's U.B.U. commercials.
5. Demonstrate passion by wrestling nude with Bentsen in front of a roaring fire.
4. Pitch no-hitter in seventh game of World Series.
3. Urge all citizens to stop buying jeans.
2. Steroids! Steroids! Steroids!
1. Follow Bush's example: dump Bentsen and name a dim-witted jerk as running mate.
Top Ten Least Popular Hotel/Motel Chains - October 19, 1988
10. Edge 'o' the Runway Inn
9. Mother Goose's Unventilated Cinderblock Oven
8. The Prison-view Motel
7. Ol' Doc Mengele's Pocono Lodge
6. The One-key-fits-all Motor Courts
5. Al Sharpton's Polynesian Village
4. The Standing Water Tourist Trench
3. Bed and Bryant
2. Top 'o' the Dumpster in Midtown
1. Rip Van Winkle's Sleepy Gas Leak Motor Lodge
Top Ten Ways Bush Could Still Blow It - November 1, 1988
10. Show off new Lee Press-On Nails at press conference.
9. Promise first act as President would be a stamp honoring Gallagher.
8. Vow to replace land-based missiles with Digby the Giant Dog.
7. Illegal amounts of pine tar discovered on Barbara.
6. Make last-minute whistlestop tour, strangle a puppy at every station.
5. His prints found on gun next to Sam Donaldson's body.
4. Denounce Cosby Show as stupid piece of crap.
3. Pick Dan Quayle as Vice President.
2. Forget to respond to Final Jeopardy in form of a question.
1. Get photographed on ferris wheel holding hands with Al Sharpton.
Top Ten Upcoming Geraldo Specials - November 2, 1988
10. Live from Elvis' Grave with a Shovel
9. Is the NBA Being Ruined by Flubber?
8. By the Hollow Tree: Stakeout for the Keebler Elves
7. Gutterballs: Pro Bowling Groupies
6. We Get Drunk and Bust into a Gum Machine
5. Former Nazis Who Work at the Gap
4. The Dumbo syndrome: Men with Big Ears Who Can Fly
3. One Bird's Obsession: Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs
2. Geraldo and the Chipmunks Magical Musical Christmas
1. Raising Raymond Burr
Top Ten Things that Would Keep Me from Doing the Show - November 3, 1988
10. They need my chair up at the NBC news desk.
9. My poodle-grooming service really starts to make money.
8. A brutal alien-invading army demands that Earth send forth their champion.
7. Connie Chung finally drops that fat guy she's married to.
6. Any serious job offer.
5. A chance to go backstage at the Winter Garden and watch the cast of "Cats" put on their makeup.
4. President Quayle.
3. A single word from Mr. Gotti.
2. When there is no longer a single cameraman, a single studio audience member, or a single television set on the face of the Earth; then and only then will I cease my endless strivings to educate, to illuminate, to entertain.
1. If I still feel lousy tomorrow.
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President - November 4, 1988
10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured professional wrestlers.
9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal state secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays.
7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops.
4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets to pass out a lot of souvenir pens.
3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive be "dumb as a tree".
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV.
1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.
Top Ten Dukakis Excuses - November 9, 1988
10. Forgot to wear "lucky shorts."
9. Thought election was first Tuesday in December.
8. It's just a big popularity contest.
7. Used Wendell to warm-up campaign crowds.
6. Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would vote for George Bush.
5. Extensive campaigning in Belgium was waste of time.
4. Fell for Bush's old "you-vote-for-me-and-I'll-vote-for-you" trick.
3. ** insert your own eyebrow joke here **
2. Ill-advised pledge to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age."
1. Didn't care about presidency; just wanted to win $20 bet that I could do better than Mondale.
Dan Quayle's Top Ten Questions While at the White House - November 10, 1988
10. "OK if I leave my clubs here?"
9. "Who are all the old farts in the paintings?"
8. "Can I have a Kermit phone?"
7. "Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?"
6. "Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?"
5. "Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?"
4. "Which button am I supposed to never touch?"
3. "Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?"
2. "Where did Prescilla sleep?"
1. "Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?"
Top Ten CBS Slogans - November 11, 1988
10. Tonight Dan Rather might do something goofy.
9. We're cheaper than cable.
8. We're the #1 network alphabetically (except for ABC).
7. Our high-frequency audio signal keeps you home rodent-free.
6. The network of the 1964 Winter Olympics.
5. Andy Rooney's only on for a minute a week.
4. For a $10 pledge, we'll send you a tote bag.
3. When the other networks run a commercial, why not spend a minute with us?
2. Ain't too proud to beg.
1. C'mon, what difference does it make? We all show pretty much the same crap anyway.
Yassir Arafat's Top Ten Ways To Improve the PLO's Image - November 15, 1988
10. Award frequent flyer mileage during hijackings.
9. Really insane guys would have to see staff psychologist on regular basis.
8. Have Itzhak Perlman over for a nice piece of fish.
7. Put really funny message on office answering machine.
6. Change name to Palestinian Good Old Guys.
5. Promise for every airport bombing, we'll donate 50 cents to the Sierra Club.
4. Kidnap Geraldo. Keep him.
3. Expel Jim & Tammy from ministry -- freeze their assets.*
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. New slogan: "You're never fully dressed without a smile."
* How to improve the PTL's image.
Top Ten Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with a picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.
Top Ten Fears of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear - November 29, 1988
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap.
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78.
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly.
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that he should be the fabric softener bear.
3. Something might happen to George Bush.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "snuggly" forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.
Top Ten Least Popular Candy Bars - November 30, 1988
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Resin Chews
6. Rev. Al's Marshmallow Medallions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good `n' Linty
3. Two Musketeers & a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log
Top Ten Reasons To Let Yassir Arafat into the United States - December 2, 1988
10. Already spent $50 for tickets to Radio City Christmas Show.
9. Can catch up with high school pals now driving New York City cabs.
8. Donahue desperate for guests.
7. He's already got a sitter for that weekend.
6. His 3-point shooting could help Miami Heat win first game.
5. Now says his past behavior just the result of "really bad cramps."
4. Promised PLO buddies he'd bring home Dancing Raisin dashboard dolls.
3. He could return that caulking gun he borrowed from me.
2. The man is, after all, Ricky Schroder's real father.
1. He's killed a lot of people. Sometimes I snap at my secretary. Nobody's perfect.
Top Ten Unsafe Toys for Christmas - December 1988
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Ranger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh -- You're Blue! The Hold-Your-Breath Game
Top Ten Christmas Movies Playing in the Times Square Area - December 13, 1988
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
Top Ten Campaign Promises George Bush Is Sorry He Made - December 15, 1988
10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO.
9. To bite head off rat at first press conference.
8. Bomb France back to the Stone Age.
7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing.
6. Appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in mouth.
5. To deflower Brooke Shields on board the Space Shuttle Atlantis.
4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the home shopping Network.
3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev.
2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch.
1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis.
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Gifts - December 21, 1988
10. Andre-the-Giant Champagne
9. Hickory Farms Smoked Gristle Assortment
8. Phil Donahue's "A Boy's First Dress"
7. An hour of free advertising on CBS
6. The Jimmy Swaggart Pop-up Book
5. Angry-Live-Bird-in-a-Bag from Hartz Mountain
4. Dan Rather Lather Skin Bracer for Men
3. The Living Weasel Wallet
2. Al Sharpton Hairstyling Spackle
1. Isotoner Diapers
Top Ten Circus Family Holiday Traditions - December 22, 1988
10. Grandpa Geek leads family in prayer -- then bites head off live turkey.
9. Put star on top of pinhead.
8. Get elephant to sit on Fotomat booth.
7. Count off 12 days of Christmas -- 1 day per finger.
6. Graft red rubber ball onto goat's nose: charge saps 5 bucks to see "Rudolph."
5. Carols sung in harmony by two-headed boy.
4. Extend turkey stuffing with sawdust.
3. Let Monkey Boy wear festive green diaper.
2. Sit-down dinner of corn dogs, cotton candy, and pink lemonade.
1. Get liquored up, go to town, scare decent folk.
Top Ten Elf Fears - December 23, 1988
10. Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
9. The end of somebody's tiny little hammer will fly off and crack a skull open.
8. Massive layoffs from impending Santa-Keebler merger.
7. Getting stranded after dark in a pixie neighborhood.
6. They'll die and go to hell.
5. First elf president will probably not come in their lifetime.
4. Low blood pressure will make it difficult to maintain curled toes.
3. Something happens to Bush.
2. Santa will replace them with really smart Oriental kids.
1. Bell rash.