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Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today - January 02, 2001

10. "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!" 9. "Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..." 8. "Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines" 7. "That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond" 6. "So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams" 5. "Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square" 4. "We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!" 3. "Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin" 2. "He did what in the Oval Office?" 1. "Screw this, we're going to Canada"

Top Ten Signs New York Has Football Fever - January 08, 2001

10. Subways used to smell like urine, now smell like urine and Gatorade 9. Mayor Giuliani having an affair with a lady named Tiki 8. Statue of Liberty's head replaced by giant copper head of Dan Dierdorf 7. Crazy guy who gives you the finger every morning instead pats you on the ass 6. In honor or Super Bowl, goodbye XXX theaters, hello XXXV theaters 5. New rule for all city high schools: Spell "football," graduate with honors 4. For a couple of weeks it's not a living nightmare to be named Ben Gay 3. After shooting innocent victims, cops do cool "end zone celebration dance" 2. Hookers in Times Square charge 50 bucks to let you "split the uprights" 1. After sex with your wife, John Madden uses the telestrator to show you what you did wrong

Top Ten Things That Bill Clinton Has To Do Before Leaving Office - January 09, 2001

10. Remove protective padding from underside of desk 9. Tell post office where to forward the subpoenas 8. Get gravy stains out of the Constitution 7. Take down all the photos of him and Hillary pretending to be in love 6. Pass new law: every time phrase "George W. Bush" appears in a document, Congress has to add word "sucks" 5. Pack "World's Greatest Impeached Dad" mug 4. Unchain despondent Al Gore from White House desk 3. Change name to George W. Bush -- get ready for four more years of grab-ass 2. Take Air Force One over Ken Starr's house, empty the lavatory tank 1. Shred like a hyperactive monkey

Top Ten Signs No One On Temptation Island Is Attracted To You - January 11, 2001

10. Your bikini size is 34C -- and you're a man 9. Every few minutes you "accidentally" get harpooned 8. When host announces they have to sacrifice a virgin, everyone points to you 7. The network put a blue dot over your entire body 6. Closest thing you've had to a come-on was a hot chick thanked you for all the shade your fat ass provides 5. Out of 100 people, there's you and 99 women who'd like to be just friends 4. It ain't "Survivor", but they vote you off the island anyway 3. You don't cause any couples to break up, but you do make them decide not to have kids 2. You can't even get blown by a tropical storm 1. The only thing people are tempted to do is laugh

Top Ten Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting - January 12, 2001

10. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles 9. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit? 8. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters 7. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch "Jackass" 24 hours a day 6. Try to work out a deal so that every person who enlists gets to have sex with Cameron Diaz 5. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude" 4. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center 3. Goodbye "Don't ask, don't tell" -- Hello "The gayer the better!" 2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island 1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"

Top Ten Bill Clinton Future Plans - January 15, 2001

10. Hire relationship counselor; see if he and Monica can give it another shot 9. Run for Mayor of New York and bring back the hookers! 8. Just enjoy being a regular U.S. citizen...with round-the-clock Secret Service and a $200,000 severance 7. Every morning check classifieds for job openings under "Presidents" 6. Get bitchin' Camaro, cruise around Chappaqua for lonely housewives 5. Wait till statute of limitations runs out, admit everything 4. Tell Bush, "No, you take over in 2004," stay President 3. Same thing he did back in Arkansas -- eat Crisco while watching reruns of "Bonanza" 2. Call Al Gore, ask for "Lou Zer," hang up 1. Two words: Temptation Island

Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Is Preparing For The Presidency - January 16, 2001

10. Drafting legisltion to make 2001 "Take Your Father To Work Year" 9. To familiarize himself with military protocol, watching "F-Troop" 8. Planning to return to Texas to guest-host executions 7. Getting Linda Chavez to round up some illegal aliens to do a few chores around the White House 6. He's been nailing interns because dammit -- that's what presidents do! 5. Convincing Secret Service to change his code name from "Dumbass" 4. Practicing getting sick on world leaders just like dad 3. Making sure inaugural festivities don't include a breathalyzer test 2. Like every other American, is on his hands and knees saying, "Please lord, don't let Bush screw up" 1. Rehearsing his two-word inaugural speech: "Yee-haw!"

Top Ten Things I've Learned From The Clinton Years - January 17, 2001

10. That Hee-Haw crap's funny on TV but not in the White House 9. A White House internship provides hands-on experience 8. It's a good idea to replace the Oval Office carpets every once in a while 7. You can jog every day and still be a chunky tub 6. You can have sex without having sex, as long as while you're having sex you don't actually have sex 5. As long as the economy is good, Americans believe anything you tell them 4. Considering his taste in ladies, it's a good bet Bubba's been drunk since '92 3. Hillary looks really hot in those pantsuits 2. You can be Vice President in the most prosperous time in America, run against a dumb guy, get more votes and still lose 1. It's bent

Top Ten Signs Hillary Is Not Taking Her Job Seriously - January 18, 2001

10. Every bill she introduces involves having her husband fixed 9. Most of her ideas were on "The West Wing" the night before 8. Pays other senators $10 to say "Here" when her name's called during roll call 7. Solemnity of hearings periodically shattered by her cries of "Yahtzee!" 6. Whenever "Jackass" is on , Hillary suddenly has the flu and has to go home 5. It's her first month, and she's used up her personal days through 2003 4. She hasn't left her office since she found out her computer has "Minesweeper" 3. Goodbye snappy pantsuits, hello Limp Bizkit t-shirt 2. Keeps "mispronouncing" Ted Kennedy's name as "Senator Hefty" 1. Calls up each person who voted for her, laughs and says, "Sucker!"

Top Ten Gallup Polltaker Pet Peeves - January 22, 2001

10. When boss says you can't go home till you find a Pat Buchanan voter 9. Response sheet has boxes for "yes" and "no" -- but not "bite me" 8. Every Christmas, the same gift from Gallup: a crappy Radio Shack calculator 7. Looking at pie charts all day makes you really, really hate pie 6. Whenever he slips in the polls, George W. Bush threatens to have you executed 5. The hourly calls from Nader asking, "Am I winning yet?" 4. Knowing after November 7th, only question you'll be asking is, "Regular or unleaded?" 3. Letterman always answers the door naked 2. When wife complains about your "5% margin of error" 1. All them numbers is confusin'

Top Ten Questions Dumb Guys Would Ask The First Lady - January 23, 2001

10. "So, have you actually, like, met the President?" 9. "Did you ever rebuild your house after it got blown up in 'Independence Day'?" 8. "What's your stance on that guy in that country doing that stuff?" 7. "How about a federal law making shoes easier to tie?" 6. "Aren't monkeys funny -- especially when they're smoking and dressed like people?" 5. "Do you have one of them robot maids like in 'The Jetsons'?" 4. "This is the White House, right? Well gimme some of them square hamburgers." 3. "Is it wrong for the president to appoint his own wife First Lady?" 2. "If elected Senator, would you please, please, please bring the strip clubs back to New York City?" 1. "Have you ever met my dad, George Bush?"

Top Ten Changes I'll Make In The White House - January 24, 2001

10. To save taxpayer dollars, calls to winning sports teams will be collect 9. New rule at cabinet meetings -- you can't talk until you ride the mechanical bull 8. Goodbye boring presidential radio address -- hello "Dick Cheney Spins The Hits of the 80's, 90's and Today" 7. Make sure the White House library has lots of books with big print and pictures 6. Just for fun, issue executive order commanding my brother Jeb to wash my car 5. First day in office my mother's face goes up on Mount Rushmore 4. Look into hiring a security guard for our nuclear secrets 3. Will not get sick on Japanese leaders like other President Bushes I know 2. Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing 1. Tax relief for all Americans -- except smart aleck talk show hosts

Top Ten Lessons We've Learned From The 2000 Election - January 25, 2001

10. Haven't heard "oral" on CNN this much since the whole Lewinsky thing 9. Voters prefer guy who lies about drinking to guy who lies about fundraising 8. If you keep saying, "I'm the President," eventually people start to believe you 7. In Florida, it's possible to go directly from cocktail waitress to Secretary of State 6. Gone are the good old days when politicians really knew how to rig an election 5. It's been a lot of trouble for two guys no one really liked in the first place 4. You can win any state if you work hard enough -- and your brother's governor 3. Warren Christopher is one sexy sum-bitch 2. If you want Gore for President, don't check the box for Buchanan 1. We'll be spared all of this in 2004 when Hillary waxes W's ass

Top Ten Things I Learned On The Survivor Island - January 26, 2001

10. Jenna: "Leftover swimwear from the island can get you a grand on E-Bay" 9. B.B.: "After being in tropical sun for a few days, chicks begin thinking you're Brad Pitt" 8. Susan: "Any time you feel like a couple of nights back in civilization, just fake scurvy" 7. Ramona, Sean, Stacey, Dirk, Sonja, Gretchen and Joel: "Grubs is tasty!" 6. Kelly: "If the host asks you to participate in a reward challenge, make sure it's for the show" 5. Greg: "Best thing about a deserted island -- no Letterman" 4. Colleen: "Now I know where I'm going if George W. Bush gets elected President" 3. Gervase: "If you prepare rat meat by carefully cleaning, seasoning and cooking it, it's still pretty bad" 2. Rudy: "Months later I still got sand in places I wish I didn't" 1. Richard: "The human body is a beautiful thing"

Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Super Bowl Party - January 28, 2001

10. By third quarter, you've suffered a concussion and two broken bones 9. Yeah, there's a big-screen TV, but you're watching "The Golden Girls" 8. Someone already licked the tasty powdery stuff off the Doritos 7. To get in mood for "Survivor II," the house is filled with deadly Australian snakes 6. Host answers the door naked except for a strategically placed pompom 5. Every thirty seconds, some old guys asks, "Which one is Y.A. Tittle?" 4. You think you hear the halftime gun, then you realize it's just Puff Daddy 3. All the women look like John Madden 2. Guests keep taking your wife to bedroom for a "two-minute drill" 1. It's tomorrow

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Rudy Giuliani's Memoirs - February 01, 2001

10. "New York On 41 Bullets A Day" 9. "Yankee Stadium, Central Park, The Statue Of Liberty's Head: All The Places I've Had Sex" 8. "My Secret Life As A Las Vegas Show Girl 'Judy Riuliani'" 7. "Lethal Injection: The Only Way To Deal With Jaywalkers" 6. "Derek Jeter -- Great Player, But What About That Ridiculous Full Head Of Non-Combed-Over Hair?" 5. "The Day I Murdered A Hot Dog Guy With My Bare Hands" 4. "Work With Him Long Enough And You'll Realize The Truth: Governor Pataki Is All Hands" 3. "After All I Did For You People, You Elect Hillary Clinton?!" 2. "Closing Down Strip Clubs: What The Hell Was I Thinking?" 1. "How To Cut New York Crime In Half -- Move Puffy To N.J."

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Puff Daddy Trial - February 02, 2001

10. "The night of the crime, was the accused acting unusually puffy?" 9. "Will the stenographer please read back the list of shout-outs?" 8. "There will be a brief recess while the judge confers with his homeys" 7. "The defendant may not invite the jury to party this weekend at his place in the Hamptons" 6. "By law my client must be judged by a jury of his peers -- 12 guys named Puffy" 5. "Mr. Combs is also charged with 20 counts of rhyming 'ladies' with 'Mercedes'" 4. "For old times' sake, O.J. is here to try on a glove" 3. "I object! For his opening statement, defense counsel just sampeled my opening statement" 2. "Check out Jennifer Lopez... I'd sure love to approach that bench" 1. "What up! What up! Judge Seymour Feinberg in the house!"

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think J. Lo Means - February 06, 2001

10. Bill Cosby's favorite dessert 9. Series of exercise videotapes sold by Billy Blanks 8. Brand of martial arts Jackie Chan uses to kick ass 7. Stephen King book about a rabid dog 6. The guy who for, like, eight years lived on OJ's couch 5. Minor-league Jai Alai 4. Less successful brother of Rob Lowe 3. The way annoying guys answer the phone 2. The host of "The Tonight Show" 1. One hot mama

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Gore/Clinton Fight - February 07, 2001

10. "What's on your mind, loser -- I mean, Al?" 9. "You cannot tell by the emotionless tone of my voice, but I am very, very ticked off" 8. "You lost to a guy dumber than my brother" 7. "Is that all you got? Hell, Hillary hits harder than that" 6. "If there were an unstained place on the cabinet, I'd wrestle you there" 5. "Is your face red because you're angry or are you wearing that debate makeup again?' 4. "I won't stay long -- I know you're very, very busy pardoning fugitive billionaires" 3. "Don't throw the chair -- I'm planning to steal it for my new home" 2. "So, basically I'm not President because of some fat girl" 1. "Al, take it from someone who knows -- you really, really need to get laid"

Top Ten Least Popular News Anchor Sign-Off Lines - February 09, 2001

10. "For Kelly Bostic, this is Joe Dawes wishing you a miserably unfulfilling evening" Joe Dawes and Kelly Rostic from KOLR in Springfield, MO 9. "Thanks for watching and peace out, homeys" Jerry Anderson from WTOL in Toledo, OH 8. "Let's take a few moments to notice just how handsome I am" Tim Cable from WJHL in Johnson City, TN 7. "That ought to hold you little bastards" Amy Rutledge from KDLH in Duluth, MN 6. "Good night from all of us. And a special good night to all of our viewers who are doing it right now" John Mercer and Wendy Wyness from KTVN in Reno, NV 5. "I'm Mike Stafford, and I make a boatload more money than you" Mike Stafford from KSWT in Yuma, AZ 4. "If I had a pet monkey, I'd name him after you" Matt Mulcahy and Maureen Green from WTVH in Syracuse, NY 3. "Good night from all of us. David Letterman is next, so for God's sake change the channel now" Jade Moon from KGMB in Honolulu, HI 2. "Thank God we're at the end -- I've got to take a wicked leak" Matt Schmidt and Angie Quigley from KHQA in Quincy, IL 1. "By the way, honey, if you're watching tonight, I'm sleeping with your sister" Don Shriver from WSEE in Erie, PA

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken By James Earl Jones - February 13, 2001

10. "I can't believe it's not butter" 9. "Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear" 8. "J. Lo in the house" 7. "Click here now for the hottest sex sites on the web" 6. "And the Academy Award for best picture goes to -- 'Dude, Where's My Car?'" 5. "You're not fully clean until you're Zestfully clean" 4. "You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one CD or cassette?" 3. "Number three" 2. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow 1. Wassssuppp?

Top Ten Valentine's Day Plans Of This Guy - February 14, 2001

10. Play adult movie really loud so neighbors think he's getting some action 9. Comb back hair in the shape of a heart 8. Give girlfriend a dozen roses -- watch in horror as thorn accidentally deflates her 7. Ask Janet Reno to reconsider her decision to see other people 6. At some point, utter those three magic words: "Table for one" 5. Wait by phone in case supermodel accidentally dials wrong number 4. Drive to state prison, see if anyone's up for a conjugal visit 3. Watch Barbra Streisand's final concert, sob like a baby 2. See taping of hilarious, hour-long comedy program -- then go see Letterman 1. "Be his own Valentine" five, maybe six times

Top Ten Rejected XFL Team Names - February 16, 2001

10. Florida Felons 9. Dallas Deadbeat Dads 8. Richmond 'Roid Rage 7. Las Vegas Lapdancerz 6. Washington Major-League Ass***** 5. Seattle Sex Offenders 4. Philadelphia Parole Violators 3. Cleveland Carjackers 2. Detroit Guys-Who-Will-Have-To-Go-Back-To- Their-Jobs-As-Security-Guards-When- The-League-Folds-In-About-A-Month 1. New York/New Jersey Ass Wranglers

Top Ten United States Secrets Sold To The Russians - February 21, 2001

10. Our satellite defense system is just a Polaroid on a really tall tree 9. Of eleven herbs and spices in KFC, nine are illegal barbituates 8. Our last five presidents have all been Nixon in disguise 7. 87% of all American commercials feature someone opening a refrigerator and then being greeted by a talking sandwich 6. How Donald Trump gets his hair to do that 5. Al Gore really won Florida 4. Despite his public denials, President Clinton did in fact have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky 3. The Hamburger Helper hand is real and responsible for over 100 homicides 2. Jerry Orbach's Visa number is 4114482359023411409 -- go nuts, Commie bastards! 1. The real reason Nicole is leaving Tom: Dave Letterman

Top Ten Favorite Elementary School Excuse Notes - February 22, 2001

10. "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was." 9. "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling." 8. "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment." 7. "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time." 6. "Henry stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting." 5. "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." 4. "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet." 3. "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard." 2. "Cody was absent yesterday because we were at disco bowling until 2am." 1. "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn - February 23, 2001

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy 9. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know" 8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera 7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying 6. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat 5. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay 4. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore 3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife" 2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built" 1. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"

Top Ten Hugh Rodham Tips For A Happy Life - February 27, 2001

10. No matter how busy you get, eat your nine square meals a day 9. Kick Roger Clinton's ass during "Disgraced Brothers Week" on "Jeopardy" 8. Get a good hole-punch -- you never know when you'll have to change your belt size 7. Try and model your relationships after Bill and Hillary...or Bill and Monica...or Bill and Paula 6. When anyone bumps into you and says, "Pardon me," say, "Sure, that'll be $400,000" 5. Watch a lot of that wrestlin' football 4. If you hang with powerful in-laws, you may get in on some of that "hot intern action" 3. Cutting your own hair is a great way to save money 2. Remember, things could be worse. Hillary could be your wife 1. Take it in stride when your brother-in-law offers to pardon your "gigantic ass"

Top Ten Answers To The Question, 'How Boring Was George W. Bush's Speech?' - February 28, 2001

10. It was so boring, the Secret Service changed his code name to "Sominex" 9. It was so boring, at the Lincoln Memorial, the statue of Abe Lincoln got up and left 8. It was so boring, halfway through C-SPAN switched over to an XFL game 7. It was so boring, Hugh Rodham fell asleep and missed two dinners 6. It was so boring, it was like having sex with Hillary 5. It was so boring, guys on death row were lethally injecting themselves 4. It was so boring, Florida voters held their breath until the state turned blue 3. It was so boring, Bill Clinton passed out in the stolen Barc-O-Lounger 2. It was so boring, CBS is adding it to their regular Wednesday night lineup 1. It was so boring, Monica got up from under the podium and left

Top Ten Things You're Likely To Hear In A Meeting With Les Moonves - March 02, 2001

10. "I just had a great idea for next season -- 'Survivor 3'!" 9. "What's the name of that actor who plays Dan Rather on the news?" 8. "If it's not an idea for a Tony Danza show, I don't want to hear it" 7. "Okay, grandpa, I promise never to cancel 'Diagnosis Murder'" 6. "That reminds me of something Saddam Hussein said once when we were water skiing" 5. "I'm the most powerful guy named Les in the world" 4. "Last week, at Castro's Grammy party, he let me beat a political prisoner" 3. "Hey that's funny, can I give that one to Bette?" 2. "Forgive me if I don't get up -- I pulled a muscle laughing at last week's 'Some Of My Best Friends'" 1. "You got a problem with me?"

Top Ten Signs Colin Powell Has Been Spending Too Much Time With George W. Bush - March 14, 2001

10. Has gotten in the habit of making Cheney do all his work 9. He makes sure to get 11 hours of sleep at night and 7 hours during the day 8. At age 64 he's acquired a less-successful brother, Jeb Powell 7. When the former general is asked how many stars he has, holds up four fingers and says, "This many" 6. Now referring to any non-Americans as "Chinese" 5. U.S. Secretary of Commerce Donald Evans is starting to get totally jealous 4. Instead of regular duties, spent better part of last week making a beer bong 3. When reporter asked if he could ever see himself as a "candidate," replied, "No way, I'll never live in Canada" 2. Proposed a new military rank above Major: Major-League Asshole 1. Instead of "well-done," now orders his steaks "electrocuted"

Top Ten Messages On Steven Seagal's Answering Machine - March 20, 2001

10. "Great film. Was it a challenge memorizing your four lines?" 9. "This is Blockbuster. You have a bunch of overdue Steven Seagal movies" 8. "You know that part when the bad guy said something that made you mad, so you kicked him? How do you come up with stuff like that?" 7. "This is Bob at the carwash. All of a sudden you're too big to come to work?" 6. "Hey, Steve, it's the devil. Remember that contract you signed?" 5. "Stevie Seagal, it's Josh Goldstein from your Hebrew school" 4. "Hey, it's Letterman. Can you give me a ride to kung fu class?" 3. "You have no messages" 2. "It's your brother: I want $50,000 in unmarked bills or I reveal that you're 74 years old" 1. "Your new movie kicks ass!!! You're awesome!!! Give me a call in the Oval Office"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In A Beauty Salon - March 21, 2001

10. "Well, I don't know what I'm doing here but here goes" 9. "It's been three whole days since one of our customers got their ear clipped off" 8. "Ohh, a lock of your hair! I'll treasure it always" 7. "You know, I have the Hair Club for Men phone number if you want it" 6. "Hey, this is the first time I've seen you back here since the lice incident" 5. "You know, there are doctors that can correct misshapen heads like yours" 4. "Wait! That's not shampoo, that's Nair!" 3. "No! This isn't the guy that wants the Yankee logo shaved in his head!" 2. "Larry, for the last time, you're not a barber! Go sweep up the back!" 1. "Wanna see something crazy?" (He drinks Barbicide)

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech - March 26, 2001

10. "I have something to confess -- I'm sleeping with both Price and Waterhouse" 9. "As I look out across the auditorium, I see loser, loser, loser, loser..." 8. "Wow, this thing is solid gold -- goodbye gambling debts!" 7. "It's such an honor to be included in the same category as the other nominees -- except Michael Douglas" 6. "Okay -- I won -- now you can all switch over to 'The Sopranos'" 5. "As a little boy, I never dreamed I'd win this award for Best Actress" 4. "I'd like to tell you all about the exciting 2001 line of Amway products" 3. "Now that I'm an Academy Award winner, I'd like to read a list of people who can kiss my ass" 2. "And I'd like to thank the guy who keeps me supplied with painkillers" 1. (Not read by Dave)

Top Ten Rejected Puff Daddy Names - March 29, 2001

10. Puff Boy-Ar-Dee 9. Pippy Puffstocking 8. Piddy Piddy Bang Bang 7. Howdy Diddy 6. P. Cougar Mellendiddy 5. P. Wah Diddy Diddy-Dum Diddy Doo 4. Milk Duddy 3. The Artist Formerly Known As Guilty 2. P. Blicity Stunt 1. J-Lonely

Top Ten Other Ways Mayor Giuliani Is Cleaning Up New York - March 30, 2001

10. Fake Rolex salesmen must offer fake warranty information 9. New rule for cabbies: driving naps should not exceed 15 minutes 8. Only 7 Starbucks per block 7. Hire Martha Stewart to "spruce up" local crack dens 6. Getting rats out of subway and putting them back in the restaurants where they belong 5. Change meaning of middle finger gesture to "lookin' good, friend" 4. Shine Bat Signal into night sky; when Batman shows up, hand the sum'bitch a mop 3. All drive-by gunmen must carpool 2. If Yankees win the World Series again they can clean up the damn ticker tape themselves 1. Forming task force to get Clinton to move his ass to New Jersey

Top Ten Things A Manager Doesn't Want To Hear On Opening Day - April 02, 2001

10. "Okay -- who kicks off?" 9. "Is it okay if I leave after the 6th inning to beat the traffic?" 8. "Their pitcher is cheating -- he's throwing a ball that curves" 7. "Any chance I could get traded to a city with a more active musical theater scene?" 6. "The bad news: we had to trade Jeter, Williams and Rivera. The good news: we still have Knoblauch" 5. "The game will have to wait -- I can't put down this new Rosie O'Donnell magazine" 4. "I know the pitcher is morbidly obese, but he's the owner's son" 3. "Bad news, boss -- all 30 of us just got called for jury duty" 2. "The new uniforms are in, and let's just say there's lots of lace" 1. "Check out the Diamondvision: the mascot's nailing your wife"

Top Ten Effects Of The Giant Solar Flare - April 03, 2001

10. The swan that Bjork is wearing comes to life and pecks her eyes out 9. Not only is Dick Cheney cured of heart trouble, he develops heat vision 8. In addition to "X's" and "O's", the letter "B" is added to the game of "Hollywood Squares" 7. Suddenly, men want to go shopping while women want to watch the big game. Imagine that! 6. Hamburger Helper hand springs out of television and starts choking people 5. Number four from Top Ten is missing 4. 3. Near the equator, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese tastes up to 3% cheesier 2. For a fleeting moment, Joan Rivers realizes how ridiculous she is 1. Urine in New York City gutters starts flowing counterclockwise

Top Ten Least Impressive David Copperfield Tricks - April 04, 2001

10. Sitting through an entire XFL game 9. Spelling "Kryzyzewski" 8. The slowly disappearing throat lozenge 7. The backwards-aging magician thanks to plastic surgery 6. Levitating "little David," if you know what I mean 5. The tweed sport coat that still smells like grandpa 4. Explaining how "Spy Kids" is the number one movie in the country 3. Getting really baked and making entire box of Twinkies disappear 2. Making relationship with Claudia Schiffer disappear 1. Pulling Siegfried out of Roy

Top Ten Signs Dan Rather Doesn't Give A Damn Anymore - April 05, 2001

10. He changed his name to D. Riddy 9. Coming back from commercials, he's in no hurry to put away the Gameboy 8. Refers to all foreign leaders as "Senor Slim" 7. Told viewers each time he says name "Kofi Annan" everyone does a shot 6. Every night a story about Peter Jennings' alleged hooker addiction 5. His "if Jack Nicholson did the news" was barely funny the first time 4. During broadcast, answers his cell phone, "What up dog?" 3. Attended a recent fundraiser wearing swan dress 2. Throws a quarter at the camera and screams, "You want news? Buy a damn paper" 1. Frequently says, "I'm Dan Rather and I'd rather be gettin' it on"

Top Ten Signs There's Something Wrong At The Gap - April 10, 2001

10. New business hours for spring are 10:00 am to 10:05 am 9. Cashier asks, "In addition to that blouse would you be interested in buying a store?" 8. Manager's headset isn't plugged into anything 7. Instead of "Welcome to the Gap," you're greeted with "You ain't a cop, are you?" 6. When you ask for a regular t-shirt, the clerk takes a pocket t-shirt, rips off the pocket 5. On the latest sweatshirts, "Gap" is misspelled 4. One of the mannequins was spotted dropping off a resume at Banana Republic 3. Instead of "Inspected by," pants have slips of paper that read "Get out -- now" 2. New commercial where young people are swing dancing in an unemployment line 1. A friend calls to say he's watching you try on pants on the internet

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane - April 11, 2001

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin 9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker 8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says" 7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles 6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" 5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan 4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings 3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty 2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water! 1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

Top Ten Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun - April 13, 2001

10. Do 'em naked 9. Instead of restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question 8. Frequent use of the word "eleventeen" 7. Claim a deduction, do a shot! 6. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately." 5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot! 4. Sneeze on forms 3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping tranfer taxes -- that always puts a smile on my face 2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long! 1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean

Top Ten Responses To The Question, 'How Fat Is Al Gore?' - April 27, 2001

10. He's so fat, when he appears in public the band plays "Hail To The Beef" 9. He's so fat, the Florida Election Commission is recounting his chins 8. He's so fat, he'll only take money from the Chinese if it comes with egg rolls 7. He's so fat, instead of apples, his students place margarine on his desk 6. He's so fat, the Secret Service has added one agent just to guard his ass 5. He's so fat, his belt gave a concession speech 4. He's so fat, he asked Bush if he can be ambassador to KFC 3. He's so fat, he had one of Dick Cheney's heart attacks 2. He's so fat, the Liberty Bell is now the second largest thing with a crack 1. He's so fat, Clinton is thinking of hitting on him

Top Ten Survivor Pickup Lines - May 03, 2001

10. "That fire I fell into wasn't nearly as hot as you are, baby." (Michael) 9. "If you don't eat for 6 days, I start looking like a young Paul Newman." (Rodger) 8. "Forget the tribe, my pants have spoken." (Mitchell) 7. "We'll eat anything." (Kel, Kimmi, Alicia, Debb, Nick, Jeff, Amber) 6. "Mad Cow makes you sick, but Mad Dog makes you feel good." ("Mad Dog" Maralyn) 5. "Is that an immunity idol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" (Tina) 4. "Don't worry. Producers just made me look like a psycho bitch in editing." (Jerri) 3. "It wasn't editing." (Keith) 2. "If you show me your Ogakor I'll show you my Kucha." (Elisabeth) 1. "Ever done it in the back of a Pontiac Aztek?" (Colby)

Top Ten Signs A Miss Universe Contestant Is A Man - May 04, 2001

10. Instead of plucking her eyebrows, she shaves her back 9. In interview segment, says the person she admires most is RuPaul 8. Her talent involves impregnating Miss Brazil 7. "Reno" isn't her hometown, it's her last name! 6. Has an endorsement deal with Victor's Secret 5. When she gets lost on the way to the pageant, she won't stop and ask directions -- am I right, ladies and gentlemen? 4. She's simultaneously competing in the Mr. Universe pageant 3. You've never heard of her country, "Transvestylvania" 2. When asked about her 5-foot 7-inch frame says, "Forget the 5 feet, let's talk about the 7 inches." 1. She's the only one who ain't sleeping with Donald Trump

Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A United States Senator - May 09, 2001

10. "Wake me when Senator Windbag is finished" (From Connecticut, Senator Christopher Dodd) 9. "Last night Strom Thurmond and I got absolutely wrecked at the Eminem concert" (From Indiana, Senator Evan Bayh) 8. "All press inquiries should go to my pet chimpanzee, Ricky" (From Pennsylvania, Senator Arlen Spector) 7. "I promise to be the best senator I can be for the next 6 years...or 4 years...or however many years a senator serves" (From Maine, Senator Olympia Snowe) 6. "Mr. President -- I yield the floor to the honorable Senator Sock" (From New York, Senator Charles Schumer) 5. "President Bush is always using a lot of big words that I just don't understand" (From Delaware, Senator Joseph Biden) 4. "I'm honest, bright, a hard worker, and I served my country honorably in the military -- guess I'm never going to be president" (From Indiana, Senator Richard Lugar) 3. "I'm going to raise your taxes so I can buy myself a sweet Camaro" (From Connecticut, Senator Joseph Lieberman) 2. "My day breaks up like this: 10 minutes doing Senator stuff, 9 hours Sony Playstation" (From New York, Senator Hillary Clinton) 1. "The House of Representatives is a bunch of dorks" (From Iowa, Senator Tom Harkin)

Top Ten Signs You've Got The Least Successful Show On Broadway - May 10, 2001

10. Blurb on marquee reads, "From the geniuses who brought you the XFL" 9. Its slogan -- "Now And For The Next Week-And-A-Half" 8. After ten minutes, the audience replaces themselves with understudies 7. You get a standing ovation every night because the theater has no seats 6. Mayor Giuliani wants to close it down and put in an adult video store 5. Actors improvise monologues about how they wish they were in "The Producers" 4. Instead of Andrew Lloyd Webber, songs are by bowling legend Dick Weber 3. Only person ever to sit through the entire thing turned out to be dead 2. Audiences show up hoping you'll have another heart attack 1. President Bush calls it "predictable"

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Jeb Bush - May 14, 2001

10. So dumb, he used to cheat off George in school 9. Turn-ons: long walks, romantic dinners and rigging elections for his brother 8. Parents named him after great American Jeberham Lincoln 7. He and his brothers get chicks by going to bars and saying they're the Baldwins 6. Was the one who told Katherine Harris "Don't be stingy with the mascara" 5. Can out-wrestle every member of Bush family except Barbara 4. He was the last man to see Eisenhower alive! 3. Did have a relationship with Miss June back in 1968 -- but she wasn't present 2. Even if he has a hundred more scandals, George W. will still be the embarrassing one in the family 1. Has bumper sticker that reads "Dont' Blame Me -- I Voted For Gore"

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Talk Show Host - May 15, 2001

10. Your typical workday: 1 hour doing show, 4 hours apologizing 9. Instead of warm embrace, guests greet you with swift kick to the kidney 8. When you say, "We'll be right back," studio audience starts booing 7. You spend entire show blabbing about your kids Cody and Cassidy 6. Your only question for Ellen DeGeneres: "How's your boyfriend?" 5. Network president would rather hang out with Fidel Castro than you 4. Best part of the program is when audio guy shows you naked vacation photos 3. Instead of "Applause," lighted sign reads, "Laugh Or We Release The Bees" 2. You just don't make guests feel welcome 1. For your "monologue," you point out audience members you think might be gay

Top Ten Reasons Mayor Giuliani Loves Spring New York - May 16, 2001

10. Seeing first robin of spring getting mugged by a pigeon 9. When the buds finally bloom on New York City's one and only tree 8. Melted snow means we finally solve a lot of missing-person cases 7. Sidewalk vendors replace their counterfeit designer scarves with counterfeit designer sunglasses 6. When your cab careens out of control into the East River, you can pretend it's a fun water park ride 5. Every spring, Governor Pataki and I rent a VW bus and follow Blink 182 cross country 4. Just when you need him, a well-rested Batman finally returns from his condo in Boca 3. Cutting to the front of line at Ben & Jerry's because dammit I'm the mayor 2. Hot babes showing a litle leg (video of Giuliani as a Rockette) 1. You can go out to Yankee Stadium and be damn sure you won't run into Hillary

Top Ten Lessons I Learned In College - May 18, 2001

10. Success is 1% inspiration and 99% cramming the night before (Michelle Boyer) 9. Roommates could be pretty harsh if you're still sleeping with your Big Bird doll (Brad Schum) 8. The Spanish Armada was defeated by Queen Elizabeth, not Queen Latifah (Larry Lewis) 7. The best way to learn biology is in the backseat of a Taurus (Anthony Jones) 6. On Microsoft Word, if you drag down the format window and click on paragraph, adjusting the line spacing can make your papers look a lot longer (Kate Evans) 5. Do your laundry every six months, whether you need it or not (Kyle Kinney) 4. Who cares if you don't get invited to the keg party? Saturday nights you can stay home and enjoy the fine line-up of CBS shows (Anthony Cherry) 3. Um...sorry, I'm drawing a blank (Cindy Hoy) 2. If you major in some lightweight field, goof off and get bad grades, you could become rich like Letterman (Travis Coles) 1. My parents wasted about 60 grand (Dawn Swain)

Top Ten Pieces Of Advice George W. Bush Gave To Graduates - May 22, 2001

10. "You can't expect to function on less than 16 hours of sleep per night" 9. "If you don't know a foreign leader's name, call him 'Pierre'" 8. "If you're not making more than your professors two years from now, you're doing something wrong" 7. "The internet is a great place to find speeches you can pass off as your own" 6. "Drinking and partying all the time will jeopardize your future...just kidding!" 5. "I've always wanted to do this: Now batting for the Rangers, #3, Alex Rodriguez!" 4. "If you're a male cheerleader, destroy all photographs of yourself" 3. "Do any of you want to be president -- I'm already sick of it" 2. "Don't challenge my mom Barbara to a fistfight. She'll kick your ass" 1. "Move to Mexico because I'm gonna run this country into the ground"

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The Monkey Man - May 23, 2001

10. Answers phone, "Monkey Man residence -- I mean, Smith residence" 9. When "Planet of the Apes" is on television, he's cheering at the wrong parts 8. Goes to monkey cage at zoo and says, "Is that you, Stan?" 7. Lists his likes as sunsets, long walks on the beach, terrorizing residents of New Delhi 6. He refers to Jane Goodall as "that nosy bitch" 5. At his family reunion, half the attendees are human and half are monkeys 4. Monkey Man or not, he's your neighbor and you should love him (#4 has been brought to you by the Church of Latter Day Saints) 3. For a snack, picks ticks off your dog 2. Those sounds coming from his bedroom could mean only one thing: wild monkey sex 1. He lost to George W. Bush in Trivial Pursuit

Top Ten Signs Your Senator Has Lost it - May 24, 2001

10. Only voting he does is on MTV's "Total Request Live" 9. Claims to be senator from the great state of Margaritaville 8. During debates, speaks only through a hand puppet made of his hairpiece 7. Instead of voting "Yay" or "Nay," often voted "Nyay" 6. Publicly fights with wife about his mistress (Sorry, that's a sign your mayor has lost it) 5. Supports "dress down Fridays" by showing up to work naked 4. Describes George W. Bush as the "greatest president in the history of the United States of America" 3. Only interested in capturing the "monkey man vote" 2. During TV interviews, says things like... (Video of Sen. Lieberman, "I'm going to raise your taxes so I can buy myself a sweet Camaro" 1. Asks the floor to recognize the "junior senator" in his pants

Top Ten Excuses Of The Gun-Toting Yankees Fan - June 05, 2001

10. "You expect me to sit in the bleachers without a gun?" 9. "$6.50 a beer? Who's sticking up whom?" 8. "I was hoping Derek Jeter would autograph my silencer" 7. "How do you think I got the ball from the guy who caught it?" 6. "In the Bronx, Memorial Day is the start of rat-hunting season" 5. "You never know when you're going to run into a member of the Nepalese royal family" 4. "Oh, the commercials said I should bring my son to the game!" 3. "My job is to shoot fans who attempt to rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of the game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball" 2. "If Mayor Giuliani and Donna Hanover ever show up, someone's gotta keep the peace" 1. "I'm holding this for Robert Blake"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Weather Forecaster - June 08, 2001

10. "It looks like there's about a 70% chance of rain and about a 100% chance I'm going to get blind, stinkin' drunk tonight" From KOAM in Joplin, Missouri/Pittsburgh, Kansas, Tyler Daniel 9. "It's going to be a hot one today, so use this as an opportunity to make fun of a fat guy in a tank top" From WDTV in Clarksburg, West Virginia, Brandon Butcher 8. "I hope the heavy rains don't uncover the bodies I buried" From WCAX in Burlington, Vermont, Sharon Meyer 7. "Today I am feeling unseasonably sexy" From KTVL in Medford, Oregon, Jon Galfano 6. "Rain, sun, snow, sleet -- what's the difference? We're all gonna die someday" From KRTV in Great Falls, Montana, Fred Pfeiffer 5. "I have no idea what any of this means, I should probably take a class or something" From KELO in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Shawn Cable 4. "There's a light trickle going on right now, which reminds me -- Sheila, would you get an appointment with Dr. Fisch for me" From KIMA in Yakima, Washington, Stu Seibel 3. "Enough with the weather, let's take a look at my recent oral surgery" From WCBS in New York, New York, Tony Pann 2. "After all this talk about rain, I gotta take a wicked leak" From WTKR in Norfolk, Virginia, Dave Parker 1. "Die, you millions of tiny, pathetic people, die!" From KHSL in Chico, California, Anthony Watts

Top Ten Good Things About Being The Oldest Person In The World - June 11, 2001

10. Easy to remember your social security number when it is "7" 9. At your 100th-year high school reunion, you've got the buffet all to yourself 8. You can suck at golf and still shoot your age 7. It's better than being the former oldest person in the world 6. "60 Minutes" still gives you 5 minutes at the end of each show to whine about stuff 5. Remember that bully that used to beat you up in 9th grade? Dead 4. Odds are you have a job in President Bush's cabinet 3. When people discuss politics, you can sound smart by saying, "Well, he's no Rutherford B. Hayes" 2. You look better than Joan Rivers 1. Hearing Willard Scott say, "Crap! Not her again!"

Top Ten Other Television Shows Produced By Saddam Hussein - June 12, 2001

10. "Allah McBeal" 9. "Wheel of Torture" 8. "Temptation Bunker" 7. "Mustafa In The Middle" 6. "The Price Is Right If Saddam Says It's Right" 5. "As The Oil Rig Burns" 4. "World's Wildest Camel Chases" 3. "Live with Regis and Kelly" 2. "Touched By A Moustache" 1. "Everybody Knows That Raymond Is An Infidel and Must Be Stoned"

Top Ten Signs It's Time For A Clown To Retire - June 13, 2001

10. The "funny red nose" comes from 50 years of Jack Daniels 9. Most impressive trick: breaking a hip 8. A pie in the face is embarrassing but a handful of hard candy in the face hurts like hell 7. He can't find orthopedic shoes in a size 36 6. Makes shapes with balloons to demonstrate what's wrong with his prostate 5. Sad seeing 30 clowns packed in a VW going 25 on the interstate 4. Trademark big red shoes are now attached to his walker 3. Seltzer bottle sprays Metamucil 2. She hosts an Academy Awards fashion show on E! with her daughter, Melissa 1. His catchprase: "Hey kids, what time is it?...And where am I?"

Top Ten Greeting Cards Received By The Guy Bitten By A Giant Lizard - June 14, 2001

10. "Sorry you were bitten by a giant lizard" 9. "I know that you'll come out of this a better, stronger person for having been bitten by a giant lizard" 8. "Choose Jacoby & Meyers -- specializing in giant-lizard-bite lawsuits since 1952" 7. "How many people will be bitten by a giant lizard before Congress does something?" 6. "Sorry I couldn't stop laughing. Your emergency room doctor" 5. "I was in a bar and saw your picture on TV and they showed footage of a giant lizard. What the hell happened?" 4. "I hope you sue the wizard that did this to you. Your hard-of-hearing aunt" 3. "Your insurance claim was very entertaining. Your friends at Allstate" 2. "At least you weren't hit in the face by a goose. Love, Fabio" 1. "You have sex with Sharon Stone and I'm sending you a 'cheer up' card?"

Top Ten Pieces Of Fatherly Advice From George W. Bush - June 15, 2001

10. "You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one" 9. "Do as I saying, not as I doing did" 8. "At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off them" 7. "You can't go through life getting arrested and making as ass out of yourself...just kidding" 6. "Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up like Al Gore" 5. "If you ever get in a jam, call my dad -- it's always worked for me" 4. "Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says you're a disgrace to this family...no, wait, that's what she said about me" 3. "Remember the motto of my predecessor: it's only a crime if you get caught" 2. "Never use a fake ID to buy hooch -- that's what secret service guys are for" 1. "Keep up the good work, girls -- at this rate you'll be president some day"

Top Ten Things Overheard Yesterday In Central Park - June 19, 2001

10. "Officer, there's a gator in the lake by that mob corpse" 9. "Gee, what a lovely day to just lounge around and...gator!!!" 8. "He's chewing your leg off because he likes you" 7. "$10? No, seriously -- how much for a pretzel?" 6. "The park usually smells like sewage, but today it smells more like sewage and alligator" 5. "Holy crap! It's the Monkey Man! Oh wait, it's just an alligator" 4. "Please put on your shirt, Mr. Letterman -- you're frightening the horses" 3. "Oh my god, that giant rat attacked that poor, defenseless alligator!" 2. "Hey, no making out on the grass! Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Mayor" 1. "Joan Rivers is running loose in the park!"

Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Witch - June 20, 2001

10. Begins each day, "I pledge allegiance, to Satan -- crap, I mean the flag" 9. Instead of apples, kids place "eyes of newt" on her desk 8. On math tests, every word problem begins, "A broomstick travelling at 50 miles per hour" 7. During "Duck, duck, goose" one kid actually turned into a goose 6. When showing "The Wizard of Oz," refers to main character as "That bitch Dorothy" 5. She requires students to cover textbooks with "skin flayed from a hanged man" 4. She's the gym teacher (that's Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Lesbian) 3. Some kid throws water on her, you get a substitute for the rest of the year 2. Voodoo doll plus pin equals class clown with giant pain in his ass 1. She smokes Salems -- dude, think about it

Top Ten Things New Yorkers Call Tourists - June 21, 2001

10. Visitors from a strange land where coffee doesn't cost five dollars 9. Victims 8. Gator bait 7. Walking ATM machines 6. The people who brought you George W. Bush 5. Taxi roadkill 4. Witnesses 3. Senator Clinton 2. Annoying weirdos who don't speak any English (sorry, that's what tourists call New Yorkers) 1. Mr. I'm-too-good-to-take-a-leak-on-the-subway

Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Conserve Energy - June 22, 2001

10. Quit drinkin' gas 9. Keep your television on a low setting, no higher than channel 5 8. Recycle Top Ten List entries 7. Recycle Top Ten List entries 6. Host late-night talk show that causes millions of Americans to turn off their television sets 5. Crap, that's a hard question... is wrestling on? 4. Instead of motor oil, lubricate your car's engine with Oil of Olay 3. Turn off the lights at Shea Stadium -- would it really matter? 2. Say goodbye to your electric razor -- get yourself some Epil-Stop & Spray 1. Become President -- ignore the problem completely

Top Ten Other Signs That Castro Is Not Well - June 25, 2001

10. Sometimes goes for days without torturing political dissidents 9. Instead of army fatigues, now wears halter top and capri pants 8. His beard recently attended a Communist holiday rally without him 7. Limiting speeches to 7 hours, max 6. Always propped up by two guards and he's starting to smell kind of gamy 5. He's thinking of retiring on Vieques Island 4. At recent lunch with CBS President Les Moonves, barely touched his surf 'n' turf 3. Is seriously considering a run for mayor of New York City 2. Quoted in interview as saying, "This George W. Bush has some good ideas" 1. Friends say he actually looks as bad as Letterman

Top Ten Things This Guy (Getting Gored By A Bull) Is Thinking - July 09, 2001

10. "Who knew taunting a belligerent, stampeding one-ton beast could be so dangerous" 9. "When I get home, I am going to kick the crap out of my travel agent" 8. "Maybe if I act cool, no one will notice" 7. "From far away, these bulls look scary, but up close they're suprisingly adorable" 6. "That's okay, I wasn't planning on have sex again" 5. "This is even worse than my last vacation..." (video of guy being attacked by an elk) 4. "Hey there's grandma. Wait, didn't she die in '93?" 3. "If I'm laid up, I sure hope Paul can host the show" 2. "Thank god nobody's watching" 1. "When I sober up, this will probably hurt like a sum'bitch"

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear In A Puffy Song - July 10, 2001

10. "Everyone in Amish country say, 'Yeah!'" 9. "Ladies, those skirts are much too short. Please put on some clothes" 8. "With this new denture adhesive I can eat corn on the cob again!" 7. "I want to give a shout out to United States Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta" 6. "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow" 5. "What rhymes with 'chrysanthemum'?" 4. "I've got spring-mounted shelves to protect my Hummel figurines from earthquakes" 3. "I saw a great rerun of 'The Golden Girls' last night" 2. "I would now like everyone to call me 'Larry'" 1. "Does my ass look big?"

Top Ten George W. Bush Observations About New York City - July 11, 2001

10. "That rat's big enough to wear a saddle" 9. "You can get a cab from JFK to midtown for only $250" 8. "When are they going to start drilling for oil in Central Park?" 7. "The city seems to have solved its King Kong problem" 6. "New York is the city that never sleeps and I'm the president who sleeps 15 hours a night" 5. "Too many Clintons" 4. "Giuliani gets rid of all the strip clubs and people say I'm dumb" 3. "Foreign guys always buy yellow cars" 2. "There's a giant green lady with a torch! Run for your lives!" 1. "What a friendly town -- 5 ladies in Times Square asked if I'd like to have sex"

Top Ten Possible Top Ten Topics For Thursday - July 12, 2001

10. Top Ten Things That Look More Ridiculous Than Mike Piazza's New Haircut 9. Top Ten Robert Blake Tips For U.S. Representative Gary Condit 8. Top Ten O.J. Simpson Tips For U.S. Representative Gary Condit 7. Top Ten Bill Clinton Tips For U.S. Representative Gary Condit 6. Top Ten Signs The Emmy People Have Made A Horrible, Horrible Mistake 5. Top Ten Gary Condit Campaign Slogans 4. Top Ten Cool Things About Having Intestinal Parasites 3. Top Ten Things Keith Richards Would Say If He Were Alive Today 2. Top Ten Public Places Mayor Giuliani Has Been Caught Having Sex 1. Top Ten Ways To Waste Three Minutes Of Network Airtime

Top Ten Things A New York City Chef Doesn't Want To Hear In His Kitchen - July 13, 2001

10. "Why is this piece of 'chicken' wearing a Timex?" (Chef Erik Blauberg, The 21 Club) 9. "Goodbye dishwasher, hello Sparky, the plate-lickin' St. Bernard" (Chef Michael Romano, Union Square Cafe) 8. "Mike Wallace is here with a '60 Minutes' camera crew" (Chef Christian Albin, The Four Seasons) 7. "Would somebody please go into my coat pocket and get me some more clams?" (Chef Bobby Flay, Mesa Grill & Bolo) 6. "It's no use, the rats are too strong! Retreat!" (Chef Tony Shek, Odeon) 5. "Expiration dates are just a suggestion" (Chef Gary Coyle, Tavern on the Green) 4. "For the love of god, that's not how you're supposed to use a turkey baster" (Chef Rocco Dispirito, Union Pacific) 3. "Some guy in a biohazard suit wants a sample of the chowder" (Chef Pierre Schaedelin, Le Cirque 2000) 2. "There's a thumb in the stew -- well, I'm praying it's a thumb" (Chef Mario Batali, Babbo, Lupa and Esca) 1. "All employees must wash their hands -- just kidding! Go nuts!" (Chef Eric Ripert, Le Bernardin)

Top Ten Lifeguard Pet Peeves - July 20, 2001

10. Fat guys who say, "Lotion me" (from Jones Beach, Michael Gaudi) 9. People who assume just because you're wearing a bathing suit you know how to swim (from Field 2 Beach, Julie Hahn) 8. Looks from commuters when you get on subway in trunks and a whistle (from Manasquan Beach, Dave Jordan) 7. Guys who pretend to be drowning because they enjoy the mouth-to-mouth (from Seven Presidents Ocean Front Park Beach, Michelle Kantor 6. Guys who pretend to be drowning because they enjoy the mouth-to-mouth (from Central Mall Beach, Bob Lenti) 5. Constantly having to remind Letterman it ain't a nude beach (from Field 4 beach, Steve DeCastro) 4. If you let someone drown, they make you work weekends (from Robert Moses Beach, Ino Puig) 3. Narrow-minded lifeguards who just can't accept your relationship with the CPR dummy (from Bradley Beach, Stephen Fowler) 2. When you get right down to it, not many people really look good in a bathing suit (from Zach's Bay Beach, Tara Wilson) 1. A depressed, overweight David Hasselhoff keeps asking for a job (from Long Branch Beach, Curtis Fox)

Top Ten George W. Bush Observations About Europe - July 25, 2001

10. Europeans speak worse English than I do 9. That Eiffel Tower would make one mother of an oil well 8. Austria looks nothing like it looked on "Survivor" 7. The time difference screws up your nap schedule 6. British beef not only tasty, it gave me a buzz I haven't felt since college 5. The Polish people tell some great "Bush is dumb" jokes 4. In France, you don't have to say, "French fries," you can just say "fries" 3. Due to the metric system, my ten-gallon hat is a whopping 37.84 liters 2. The Irish drive on the left side of the road, like I used to 1. One of these countries is where my dad urped on the king

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Gas Station Attendant - July 27, 2001

10. "Hope you don't mind, I just took a leak in your tank" 9. "You do know there's a guy hiding in your back seat, don't you?" 8. "Sometimes I have the strangest feeling I'm about to burst into flames" 7. "Regular, premium, or ranch flavor?" 6. "You know, if a guy breathes enough fumes, someone like you starts to look pretty good" 5. "The soda machine was on the fritz today -- I had to drink a quart of Quaker State with my lunch" 4. "Does this uniform make me look pretty?" 3. "This is my car! You stole my car!" 2. "I'll check under your hood if you check under my belt" 1. "Want to make out in the back seat?"

Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Boy Scout Troop - July 31, 2001

10. You get merit badge for picking the trifecta at Aqueduct 9. You help old ladies across I-95 8. First rule in handbook: "Blame the kid who can't speak English" 7. You're part of a very special troop called the Gambino family 6. To become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle 5. Since he can't get time off, troop leader holds meetings in his Century 21 office 4. You get busted for selling knot-tying secrets to Russian Boy Scouts 3. Scout master hands out his favorite campfire treat -- Marlboro Lights 2. Troop motto: "Be prepared...to lie on the witness stand" 1. Every year you have to put on a skirt and go door-to-door selling cookies

Top Ten New York City Tourist Questions - August 03, 2001

10. "Does it always smell like this?" 9. "Did that rat just knock over a parking meter?" 8. "$23 for a pretzel!?" 7. "Why is your hand on my ass?" 6. "Are there really 2 'L's in 'Rolex'?" 5. "Who knew the diamond district had so many Amish?" 4. "What do you mean the guy carrying my bags doesn't work for the hotel?" 3. "Do I have to come back to New York to testify?" 2. "Where the hell are all the strip joints?" 1. "No, I'm not looking for a good time -- hey, aren't you President Clinton?"

Top Ten Ways Gary Condit Can Improve His Image - August 24, 2001

10. New campaign slogan: "Oh, like you've never killed anybody!" 9. Blame everything on his idiot brother Jeb Condit 8. Stop screaming at reporters, "Holy crap! I'm actually getting away with it!" 7. Get himself really cool nickname, like "G. Conditty" 6. Release lengthy list of former interns he did not kill 5. Announce he hasn't been the same since the break-up with Nicole Kidman 4. Grow a full, reassuring, Kenny Rogers-style white beard 3. Confess, resign, serve 50-to-life 2. Focus on the 25% of voters who don't think he's a loathsome prick 1. Have sex with Monica Lewinsky

Top Ten Signs A Little Leaguer Is Too Old - August 29, 2001

10. His drug tests come up positive for Centrum Silver 9. After the game, team orders 18 Slurpees and one margarita 8. Has to miss one weekend a month because of his national guard duty 7. Possible cuts in Social Security have left him too depressed to pitch 6. Teammates put teeth under pillow -- he puts his teeth in a glass of water 5. Artificial turf made by same company as his artificial hip 4. His positions: shortstop and team bus driver 3. He actually saw the Red Sox win a World Series 2. His first baseball memory: chasin' hookers with Babe Ruth 1. He's the only Little Leaguer going through a lengthy, bitter divorce

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate - August 31, 2001

10. "I took the liberty of pushing the beds together" 9. "You have two healthy kidneys, right?" 8. "No matter what you hear, don't open this trunk" 7. "Where should I hang these posters of beloved Commander Hussein?" 6. "If some guy comes by looking for his 15 grand, tell him to go screw himself" 5. "Can you believe that 'Bubble Boy' movie made fun of people with my condition?" 4. "Here's the deal: I get the bottom half of the room, you get the top" 3. "Uh oh, 9:30 -- time to go to sleep" 2. "Good news -- our dorm room is live on the Internet 24 hours a day!" 1. "Hide this quick! I'm the President's daughter"

Top Ten Signs You've Had A Bad Summer - September 04, 2001

10. Your name includes words "Gary" and "Condit" 9. You don't know who Juanita is, but her name is tattooed on your back 8. You hold the Disney World record for most times throwing up inside a costume 7. This is your swimming pool (footage of a bear in a swimming pool) 6. You play for the Boston Red Sox 5. You don't sell ice cream, but your girlfriend calls you "Mr. Softee" 4. This is your pool (footage of a moose in a swimming pool) 3. You live in a country where the economy is tanking and your idiot President decides to take a month off 2. You finally visit the Hamptons and you wind up under a Mercedes SUV 1. In the Anne Heche office pool, you had "lesbian"

Top Ten Ways To Irritate Barbara Walters - September 05, 2001

10. Tease her about being married to that deadbeat James Brolin 9. Wear giant sombrero and keep saying, "Senor Pepe no understand" 8. Threaten to release steamy photos of her and Hugh Downs from Christmas '74 7. When you don't have an answer, meow like a kitty 6. Hog the covers (trust me, she hates that) 5. Call her "Alex," phrase all answers in the form of a question 4. Tell her she was your favorite Golden Girl 3. To camera say, "Whoa, Barbara, easy on the gin" 2. Only rule: Ask a question, remove a piece of clothing 1. If she's wearing a skirt, compliment her on "the View"

Top Ten Mexican Nicknames For George W. Bush - September 06, 2001

10. Guacamoron 9. Loco en el Coco 8. El Otro White Meat 7. Tex-Mess 6. Bandito de la Eleccion 5. El Dorque 4. Los Er 3. No Habla Ingles 2. Adios In 2004 1. Senorita Cheney

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad NFL Referee - September 07, 2001

10. Asks for Sundays off 9. The opening coin toss is "best of 17" 8. Goodbye whistle, hello pliers 7. Personally checks each player to make sure they're wearing a cup 6. Tells team, "I want a good, clean game that the Buccaneers win by over 5 1/2" 5. You catch him doing something very, very bad to the Gatorade 4. Instead of using instant replay, makes players "do the same thing again, but slower" 3. Resume includes the letters "XFL" 2. When blimp flies over stadium screams, "Martians is coming" 1. All his hand signals seem to require his middle finger.

Top Ten Things That Almost Rhyme With Hat - September 17, 2001

10. Ham 9. Hats 8. Lap 7. Meat 6. Snatch 5. Pabst 4. Cyber-Sex Chat 3. Late Show Stagehand Pat Farmer 2. Matt Lauer 1. Ass

Top Ten Least Popular Theme Restaurants - September 19, 2001

10. Chuck E. Sneeze 9. All Things Gamey 8. Drooly's Juice Bar 7. Cap'n Filthy's House of Improperly Refrigerated Shellfish 6. The We-Forgot-To-Bribe-The-Health-Officials Grill 5. I Can't Believe It's Not Sushi! 4. Ray's Original Pizza -- Original Since The Slices Were Made In 1953 3. Those Ain't Peppercorns 2. T.R.I.C.H.I.N.O.S.I.S. Friday's 1. L'ice

Top Ten Baseball Euphemisms For Sex - September 20, 2001

10. Working the rosin bag 9. Comebacker 8. Charging the mound 7. Riding the pine 6. Jerking one into the seats 5. Coming from behind 4. Doubleheader 3. Going deep in the hole 2. The big unit 1. Visiting Busch Stadium

Top Ten Magician Pet Peeves - September 21, 2001

10. Stores who don't accept change pulled from people's ears 9. You've got a cold and all your handkerchiefs keep turning into doves 8. When plumber says, "You're the magician, you unclog it" 7. Due to screw up at magic shop you pull a rabbi out of your hat 6. It's lonely on the road and most nights you end up "palming it" 5. Two words: cape rash 4. You mumble, "Abracadabra" in your sleep -- when you wake up your furniture is gone 3. Accidentally saw one woman in half and you're suspended 2. When you do your mind-reading trick, all you seem to get is "Magicians suck" 1. Your girlfriend leaves you for a magician with a bigger wand

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With The Jolly Green Giant - September 24, 2001

10. You find a love letter addressed to "My ho ho ho..." 9. Bottle of shampoo in shower which reads "For Oily, Green Hair" 8. Complains to marriage counselor you're not "jolly," "green," or "giant" 7. Secret admirer keeps leaving crates of frozen peas on your lawn 6. Her lingerie reeks of creamed spinach 5. In newest commercials, the Jolly Green Giant is wearing your bathrobe 4. The way she gazes longingly at a spear of asparagus 3. Your last two kids have been green 2. You've never seen anyone eat corn on the cob that way 1. She makes disparaging remarks about your "niblets"

Top Ten Things People Say To Me, Dave, When They See Me On The Street - September 25, 2001

10. "You suck!" 9. "Didn't you used to have a show?" 8. "Hey Letterman, you suck!" 7. "Are you gonna read that 'Penthouse' all day or are you gonna buy something?" 6. "Nice wig, pinhead" 5. "Hey Maury, you suck!" 4. "Cute, you've got matching sweaters for your poodles" 3. "May I see your license and registration?" 2. "Hey grandpa, you suck!" 1. "There he is -- let's get him!"

Top Ten Messages Left On Miss America's Answering Machine - September 26, 2001

10. "I think I dialed the wrong number -- I was calling for Miss Armenia" 9. "I really admire what you said about adult literacy. Let's get it on" 8. "It's your next door neighbor -- long story short, my dog swallowed your tiara" 7. "This is Miss Canada. Miss Mexico and Miss France are coming over for poker, if you're interested" 6. "Your boss at The Gap checking in. We'll see you back in about a year" 5. "This is Carl America. You're not Doris America's daughter, are you?" 4. "Russell Crowe here. If you get married I'd love to start dating you" 3. "Wow, I didn't think you'd be listed under 'Miss America'" 2. "Hi... If Donald Trump is there, can you have him call his secretary?" 1. "If you're ever in Chappaqua, feel free to drop by..."

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tom Selleck - September 27, 2001

10. "It's me, Ed Asner! Isn't my plastic surgeon a genius?" 9. "I was out in the woods last weekend. Can you check me for ticks?" 8. "I'm running out of that 'Magnum' money. Any little jobs I could do around your house?" 7. "One more guy tells me I look like Tom Selleck, I'm gonna punch him in the teeth" 6. "I saw what you did and I'm calling the police" 5. "I'm dehydrated! I'm dehydrated! I'm dehydrated!" 4. "Just curious, has 'People Magazine' ever named you 'Sexiest Man Alive'?" 3. "You bastard! You stole my mustache!" 2. "Quick, don't ask questions. Give me your pants" 1. "Anyone want to take a picture with a drunk Tom Selleck?"

Top Ten Signs You're Talking To A Bad Phone Psychic - September 28, 2001

10. Only thing she can predict: last night's winning lottery numbers 9. Her rate: 25 cents for the first minute, 75 dollars each additional minute 8. It took her three questions to determine your sex 7. Insists you put all of your money on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 6. She starts asking you about her future 5. Tells you your name is Eli W. Thornburgh but your name is actually Eli S. Thornburgh 4. On the phone you hear the unmistakable rattle of a magic 8 ball 3. Told President Clinton, "Go for it, honey. No one will find out" 2. Answers phone, "Larry speaking, I mean Ms. Cleo" 1. Predicted tonight's "Late Show" was going to be the best ever!

Top Ten Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Buying A Monkey - October 01, 2001

10. "Do I really need another monkey?" 9. "Have I monkey-proofed my kitchen?" 8. "How well will he get along with my panda?" 7. "Can I get a better deal on a monkey if I wait 'til after Christmas?" 6. "Am I yet another man in his 40s reacting to a mid-life crisis by purchasing a monkey?" 5. "How is the monkey school system in my district?" 4. "Won't it be cute if the monkey and I wear little matching outfits?" 3. "The traditional 10th anniversary gift is monkey, right?" 2. "Should I spend the extra money for an orangutan?" 1. "Do I really want to buy a monkey from a guy who looks like this?" (video of Dave in "Cabin Boy")

Top Ten Words - October 04, 2001

10. Biscuit 9. Yak 8. Epiglottis 7. Seersucker 6. Lozenge 5. Welterweight 4. Boysenberry 3. Meat 2. O'clock 1. Toyotathon

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Possessed By The Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln - October 05, 2001

10. Only chases cars with Illinois license plates 9. Wags his tail excitedly when there's a Lincoln Day sale at The Wiz 8. His face is covered with fur, except right under his nose 7. Two dogs in sunglasses and ear pieces follow him around 6. He's the only dog in neighborhood wearing stovepipe muzzle 5. Damned if he didn't build himself a log cabin doghouse 4. Your dog loves chicken (a little-known fact -- Abraham Lincoln loved chicken) 3. You ask Miss Cleo whether your dog is possessed by Lincoln, she says, "Uh...yes" 2. Always honest about taking a leak on the rug 1. He hates the theater

Top Ten All-Purpose Witty Comebacks - October 09, 2001

10. "Which one are you -- Siegried or Roy?" 9. "Let me guess -- home-schooled?" 8. "Whoa, what do we have here, a Baldwin brother?" 7. "Whatever you say, fatso" 6. "I guess we know what happened to the Nyquil" 5. "Well, that's not what they were saying on the Weather Channel" 4. "Have a seat, Oprah" 3. "What are you, boring.com?" 2. "Tell your mom I enjoyed the vacation photos" 1. "You kill me, O.J."

Top Ten Questions Most Often Asked At A 99-Cent Store - October 10, 2001

10. "How much is this?" 9. "Is this necklace real gold?" 8. "Do these Tampa Bay Devil Rays sweatshirts come in medium?" 7. "So let me get this straight -- everything here is 99 cents?" 6. "How much is this?" 5. "Do you have anything for 98 cents?" 4. "How much is this 'Best of Ray Stevens' CD?" 3. "Didn't this used to be a White Castle?" 2. "Is that Dave Letterman?" 1. "Can someone go to the bank and get more pennies?"

Top Ten Ways To Describe Bacon - October 11, 2001

10. Bac-o-licious 9. Strippy 8. Cardiovascular cement 7. Pork-tastic 6. That dude who was in "Footloose" 5. Minty fresh 4. Bursting with gristly goodness 3. A vital part of any nutritious breakfast (#3 is brought to you by the National Bacon Council) 2. Bypass in a skillet 1. Salty hog slabs

Top Ten Little-Known Words Coined By The Guy Who First Said "Guesstimate" - October 12, 2001

10. "Estiguess" 9. "Mediocre-iffic" 8. "Saskatchewannabe" 7. "Gore-itos" 6. "Opraholic" 5. "Viagrampa" 4. "Siegfroy" 3. "Mantastic" 2. "Lettermanure" 1. "Clintern"

Top Ten Questions People Ask When Shopping For An Umbrella - October 16, 2001

10. "What kind of trade-in can I get on my old umbrella?" 9. "Can you give me references from satisfied customers?" 8. "Do you carry those smart-looking umbrella hats?" 7. "How long until I accidentally leave it in a cab?" 6. "Is it all right if I take one home and try it in the shower?" 5. "Do you offer umbrella lessons?" 4. "Can you tell me about your anti-umbrella-theft options?" 3. "Is it waterproof?" 2. "Do you have a restroom?" 1. "Do you mind if I pretend to shop for umbrellas until it stops raining?"

Top Ten Reasons I, Dave, Love Candy - October 31, 2001

10. It's delicious 9. It's candy-licious 8. Wasn't it Einstein who said, "Candy = MC2"? 7. No time to brush? Eat some Junior Mints 6. Sometimes I put on a leotard and pretend I'm the fourth musketeer, Monty 5. Hilarious "Who's On First" type confusion whenever I try to buy a Whatchamacallit 4. Nobel Prize-winning U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan loves candy and what's good enough for Nobel Prize-winning U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan is good enough for me 3. Without candy I would never get to ask the question, "Skittles?" 2. In prisons, candy is a fun form of currency 1. Nougat

Top Ten Least Useful College Courses - November 01, 2001

10. "Perspectives On Fudge" 9. "Introduction To The Hat" 8. "Introduction To Introduction To The Hat" 7. "1999: Carson Daly's Hunkiest Year" 6. "Unheard Voices: The Poetry Of Raccoons" 5. "Other Fashion Statements Made By The Guy Who First Tied A Sweater Around His Neck" 4. "Latin" 3. "The Comic Genius Of Dave Letterman" 2. "Taft To Cheney -- A Century Of Fat Politicians" 1. "Cooking With Cipro"

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Thrown Out Of The Taliban - November 07, 2001

10. Lighting up in a smoke-free cave 9. On enlightening journey to Mecca, suggesting you go see "K-Pax" 8. Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick 7. Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank 6. Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard 5. After President Bush speech, remarking, "You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane" 4. Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible 3. Parking your camel in the Supreme Leader's space 2. Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, "Earl" 1. Mailing Anthrax without proper postage

Top Ten Suggestions The Public Made To Fight Terrorism - November 08, 2001

10. "If you meet Osama Bin Laden -- sucker punch the bastard" 9. "Special hotline to report anyone who looks 'shifty'" 8. "Offer Taliban free HBO, instead of cable guy send Jackie Chan" 7. "Two words: spy monkeys" 6. "Go to every K-Mart and announce over P.A.: 'Will Osama Bin Laden report to the manager's office?'" 5. "What are we waiting for -- call Batman" 4. "Give terrorists brightly wrapped fruitcake, but inside there's a skunk!" 3. "Make Taliban leaders easier to spot by sending them all bright orange hats" 2. "Fight terrorism with love!" (the guy who suggested this was beaten to a pulp by an angry mob) 1. "Do another 'Hands Across America' -- that worked before"

Top Ten Things I, Dave, Say In A Typical Weekend - November 09, 2001

10. "I'll take three Taco Supremes, one Meximelt and a large Sprite -- and my date will have the same" 9. "Which outfit would kitty like to wear today?" 8. "I'm late for my kung fu class" 7. "Bring me the finest raccoon in the store!" 6. 911? There's a moose in my swimming pool" 5. "Why would I be shoplifting mascara?" 4. "Officer, there must be a mistake..." 3. "Release the hounds! Regis has climbed the fence!" 2. "So, what are you in for?" 1. "Cosmopolitan Escorts? This is Paul Shaffer"

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is A Wizard - November 12, 2001

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke 9. You say, "Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?" But then it does 8. Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt 7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can't remember to take out the trash -- am I right, parents? 6. He wears shiny red satin robes -- and you're just praying he's a wizard 5. Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz 4. Refers to Halloween as "amateur night" 3. He's only 12, but somehow he's dating Gwyneth Paltrow 2. His homework ate the dog 1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand

Top Ten Comments Left In The CBS Suggestion Box - November 14, 2001

10. Put Jeff Probst on every show 9. Entice public with free "Friends" merchandise 8. Have Andy Rooney do another segment about how confusing cough syrup bottles are -- that's always hilarious 7. How about an "Everybody Loves Raymond" where a guy doesn't love Raymond, but an angel touches the guy then he says, "Yeah, now I love Raymond, too" 6. Fire my boss and let me host. Sincerely, Paul Shaffer 5. Replace Becker with a giant raccoon 4. Create a new show called "Steinfeld" -- watch dumb viewers roll in! 3. Get a bigger suggestion box 2. I vote for Mike Bloomberg 1. Make Letterman have another heart attack

Top Ten Least Effective Opening Lines For Telemarketers - November 15, 2001

10. "How would you like to own land in Afghanistan?" 9. "Can you call me back? I don't want to run up my bill" 8. "Hi -- I'm phoning from prison" 7. "Meow" 6. "Dude, did you know your phone number spells 'cabbage'?" 5. "Do you have 3 hours to talk about insurance?" 4. "I'm selling a new video 'The Best of David Letterman'" 3. "What are you wearing?" 2. "There's still time to buy New Jersey Nets season tickets" 1. "Good afternoon, my name is Osama"

Top Ten Things You Hear In A Typical Day Working With Regis - November 16, 2001

10. "Yes, Regis, for the tenth time: you look fantastic" (Producer Jan Schillay) 9. "Regis just slapped an intern" (Producer Cindy McDonald) 8. "He's talking about Joey Bishop again" (Audience coordinator Angie Riley) 7. "Regis, stop annoying people" (Producer Mariann Sabol) 6. "Does he ever shut up?" (Producer Alyssa Shapiro) 5. "More vodka, Regis?" (Production coordinator Lori Schulweis) 4. "I wish he'd stop bringing that damn chimp to the office" (Production assistant Christine Composto) 3. "Regis, put on your pants" (Executive producer Michael Gelman) 2. "I'm sorry Mr. Letterman, Regis is still in a meeting" (Regis's personal assistant Pam Edmonds) 1. "Have you noticed how his co-hosts keep getting pregnant?" (Co-host Kelly Ripa)

Top Ten Martha Stewart Thanksgiving Tips - November 20, 2001

10. To get turkey golden brown, use a high-grade shellac 9. Buy a wreath at K-Mart and tell everyone you made it yourself 8. Bite the head off of a live turkey 7. So nobody gets drowsy after dinner, liven up the stuffing with half a can of Folgers Crystals 6. Don't call the Butterball talk-line tonight, you may get a moron 5. Tired of turkey? Roast a raccoon 4. No time to bake homemade pies? Well then, you're a horrible, horrible person 3. Decorate your turkey with pinecones -- how do I come up with this crap? 2. Get the family as drunk as possible, as early as possible 1. To spice things up in the bedroom, dress up like pilgrims

Top Ten Ways To Get Osama Out Of His Cave - November 23, 2001

10. Disconnect his cable 9. Send phony recall notice from his turban manufacturer 8. One of our special forces guys sneaks in and pulls the fire alarm 7. Announce "Mr. Beard" pageant being held down the street 6. CIA puts growth hormone in his food so after a couple days the cave is too small 5. Offer free trial prescription for social anxiety disorder medication Paxil 4. Fake postcard from Mullah Omar in Las Vegas reading "This place is awesome, dude!" 3. Free pie -- I don't care who you are, you're not gonna turn down free pie 2. In local paper, advertise weapons of mass destruction sale at Kabul Wal-Mart 1. Send sexy bearded woman to cave asking directions

Top Ten Things I Will Miss About Being Mayor (by Rudy Giuliani) - November 26, 2001

10. If I feel like sleeping in, I call a city-wide snow emergency 9. Naming a street after someone is a great, inexpensive Christmas gift 8. If I want tickets to "The Producers" I just pick up the phone and just four or five months later I get tickets to the "The Producers" 7. The look on people's faces when they realize the key to the city doesn't open a damn thing 6. I'm double-parked right now -- who's gonna tow me? 5. That smell in the subway...call me crazy, but I've grown to love it 4. When someone catches a gator in Central Park, guess who gets to keep it? 3. Street vendors sell me counterfeit DVDs half price 2. The Yankees winning all those World Series? That was my idea 1. The daily call from Letterman begging me to re-open strip clubs

Top Ten Ways Osama Bin Laden Can Improve His Image - November 27, 2001

10. There's no way he can improve his image. He's a murdering, soul-less asshole 9. . 8. . 7. . 6. . 5. . 4. . 3. . 2. . 1. .

Top Ten Items On This Guy's Christmas List - November 28, 2001

10. A place of his own because mommy doesn't allow visitors 9. Book: "Things To Do By Yourself On New Year's Eve" 8. A $6 gift certificate to Supercuts 7. Jerky 6. The best gift anyone can get: a year subscription to "O" Magazine 5. Though it's not on the list, how 'bout a new shirt? 4. A Christmas tree covered in deli meat 3. Frame for his "Arby's Employee Of The Month" photo 2. Gift certificate for the surgery he's read about in men's magazines 1. An affordable but competent lawyer to sue Letterman's ass for this Top Ten list

Top Ten Ways The Recession Has Affected The Company That Makes Bubble Wrap - November 29, 2001

10. Fewer bubbles per square yard 9. Bubbles used to contain oxygen -- now cheaper imitation oxygen 8. Due to production delays the 2002 models won't be out until March 7. No more paying for product placement like the big bubble wrap scene in the upcoming "Star Wars" movie 6. Can not afford full-page newspaper ads attacking styrofoam peanuts 5. Bubble wrap no longer shipped in the bubble wrap to prevent damage 4. Switched to lower grade plastic which makes more of a "puh" 3. Now when you're put on hold, you hear top 40 music instead of romantic bubble wrap ballads 2. Employees' Christmas bonus? Bubble wrap 1. During business trips executives must now pay for hookers out of their own pocket

Top Ten Questions On The Application For Doorman At Osama Bin Laden's Cave Complex - November 30, 2001

10. Do you have references from maniacal terrorists you've worked for? 9. Mind signing for exploding packages? 8. You're not taking this job so you can kill Osama and get the $25 million, are you? 7. Do you mind being drugged, knocked out, blindfolded and driven 200 miles to and from work every day? 6. List three references who can vouch for your beard 5. Can you make balloon animals? Osama loves balloon animals 4. Will you contribute to the 401(K) even though there's not a chance in hell you'll see 65? 3. Are you okay with some light typing and filing? 2. List the schools where you received your fanatical, hate-filled "education" 1. May we pay you in sand?

Top Ten Excuses Of The American Taliban Guy - December 12, 2001

10. "Terrorist training camps looked a lot nicer in the brochure" 9. "I didn't join the Taliban, I was interning for the Taliban" 8. "I lost a Super Bowl bet" 7. "Dazzled by the Taliban commercials that aired during one of Kathie Lee's Ramadan specials" 6. "What kid doesn't grow up dreaming of being the next Mullah Omar?" 5. "Al Qaeda? Oh man, I thought I was fighting for Ralph Nader" 4. "Since when is fighting against your country with an evil terrorist regime considered treason?" 3. "Got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at" 2. "Like you've never joined an international terrorist ring!" 1. "Oh, I thought this was a paintball game"

Top Ten Reasons I, Jason Giambi, Want To Play For The New York Yankees - December 14, 2001

10. "I want to help the team fight embarrassment of not winning world championship in 14 months" 9. "When you say, 'David Wells sent me,' you get half-price drinks at Hooters" 8. "Pinstripes are slimming" 7. "After Chuck Knoblauch, people will think I have a great arm" 6. "I hear Steinbrenner is a dream to work for" 5. "Miss Cleo told me to" 4. "Diving into the stands for a foul ball and 'accidentally' landing on Donald Trump's date" 3. "Have you ever been to Oakland?" 2. "In New York I'm closer to my favorite talk-show host -- Regis" 1. "After the game, cruising bars with Giuliani and picking fights"

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Complaints - December 18, 2001

10. "Can't get premium channels in the cave, only basic cable" 9. "New laundry guy using too much starch on my turbans" 8. "I wash and wash and wash, but at the end of the day I still smell like a camel" 7. "You try to remember four wedding anniversaries" 6. "Itchy beard" 5. "With Giambi, the Yankees are going to win another four damn World Series!" 4. "You just can't trust those unfaithful Pashtun tribesmen, am I right, people?" 3. "MTV never plays videos anymore" 2. "Mullah Omar answers the phone, 'Yello'" 1. "What the hell do I have to do to get on 'Oprah'?"

Top Ten Signs Your Radio Shack Manager Has Gone Nuts - December 19, 2001

10. Quotes you a price of "$19.95 or 3 kisses" 9. Has named every AC adaptor in the store "Curtis" 8. He actually enjoys those annoying Teri Hatcher/Howie Long commercials 7. Explains to customers "FM" stands for "Fred MacMurray" 6. He's got a surge protector in his pants 5. All answering machines come pre-recorded with several minutes of him coughing 4. He greets you by asking, "Would you like to see a menu?" 3. Breathlessly asks older gentlemen, "Are you Thomas Edison?" 2. Insists on using Osama bin Laden in his newspaper ads 1. Swallowing double-A batteries like they were Tums

Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming - December 20, 2001

10. Trapped greenhouse gasses make you pleasantly lightheaded 9. Now maybe animals will abandon the cruel practice of wearing fur 8. Hockey players tripping in slush makes hilarious Marv Albert sports blooper 7. Fewer guys walking around making annoying "Brrr" sound 6. Ed Sullivan Theater will not be affected 5. Can sue Mars Company because M&Ms now melt in your hands 4. Less money spent on heating oil equals more money to spend on pay-per-view wrestling 3. You know the 5-day forecasts when they show the sun wearing sunglasses? I love that 2. "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" replaced by simple, desperate "Water" 1. Which would you rather see -- Heidi Klum in a parka or Heidi Klum in a swimsuit?

Top Ten Dumb Guy Hopes For The New Year - December 26, 2001

10. More movies with car chases and banjo music 9. Other foods besides cheese available in whiz form 8. Michael Jordan makes his long-awaited return to baseball 7. Bring back that "Who Lets The Dogs Out?" song -- that was genius 6. "Pizza on earth" 5. Somebody invent a thing to get whiskers off my face so I don't have to pluck them one-by-one with tweezers 4. An affordable monkey 3. Who cares -- it's only September 2. Five words: "Dude, Where's My Other Car?" 1. Oprah will invite me to appear on her show

Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party - December 28, 2001

10. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed 9. "Party hats" look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones 8. "Ball drop" at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does when he's loaded 7. "Champagne" really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer 6. You notice a "Happy 1999" tag on the package of shrimp you've been eating all night 5. The host kicks everyone out at 11:58 so he can go to bed 4. The only guests are you and Richard Simmons, and guess who wants a New Year's Eve kiss? 3. The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain't one of them 2. It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave 1. It's held in March
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