Top Ten Boris Yeltsin Resolutions - January 03, 2000
10. Run for Senator of New York.
9. Tell new guy to wear "Hello, My Name Is..." tag if he meets with George W. Bush.
8. Taking cue from Will Smith, release new rap album "Yeltsinium."
7. Finally get around to trying this vodka Russia is so famous for.
6. As prank, walk by bread lines announcing "The 8:15 showing of 'The Green Mile' is sold out."
5. Buy new liver on eBay.
4. Get in on the swing dancing craze.
3. Personally check all 3 of Russia's computers for Y2K compliance.
2. Write letter to Wynonna Judd and tell her how he really feels.
1. Remain alive until at least February.
Top Ten Other Things To Worry About Now That Y2K Is Over - January 04, 2000
10. Strong possibility that wrestling might be fake
9. "Peanuts" is gone, but "Wizard of Id" endures
8. If buttons suddenly become slippery for some reason, it could be hard to button your shirt
7. Johnson's Baby Shampoo went from "No More Tears" formula to "Tons O' Tears" formula
6. Celine Dion song playing on car radio and no nearby brick wall to ram into
5. ABC will have Peter Jennings on 24 hours a day, every day
4. Jimmy Stewart was accidentally buried alive, now he's out and he blames you
3. Just look in their eyes -- them pigeons is planning something
2. Your daughter introduces new boyfriend, "Dad -- Puffy; Puffy -- Dad."
1. The inevitable heat death of the universe.
Top Ten Ways The White House Is Different Now That Hillary Has Moved Out - January 05, 2000
10. President no longer sleeping alone
9. Faucets in master bedroom now dispense scented message oil and gravy.
8. Forget dress down Friday - now all-nude Friday and pantsless Monday through Thursday.
7. Volumes of Hillary fan mail redirected to new house.
6. Hillary no longer writing volumes of fan mail to herself.
5. No Pressure to cuddle.
4. Token male intern transferred out.
3. Oval office covered with "Vote Giuliani" posters.
2. Women's soccer team no longer has to win World Cup to spend night at White House.
1. Menorah taken off living room mantle.
Top Ten Questions On The New York Jets Head Coach Application - January 06, 2000
10. What kind of frosting do you want on your going-away cake?
9. Do you have references from other teams from which you've resigned?
8. If you wind up coaching another team, can we come with you?
7. Look, cut the crap -- are you gonna quit or not?
6. Do you have access to an amazing field goal-kicking donkey?
5. Is your hat size 7 and 5/8? 'Cause that's the only size helmet we have'
4. Are you bothered by 70,000 people chanting "you suck"?
3. True or false: a football is kind of football-shaped.
2. Is the main reason you want this job because you're intrigued by a locker room full of hulking, naked men?
1. Can you operate a clipboard?
Top Ten Features Of A Really Scary Haunted House - January 07, 2000
10. Glow-in-the-dark Yeltsin liver.
9. Barbra Streisand music is coming from somewhere but you can't tell where.
8. Ride consists of 12 hours in factory where you sew together Nikes for 8 Cents an hour.
7. On wall hangs movie poster for "Bicentennial Man 2."
6. A decomposing corpse that just got engaged to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
5. Pervasive old-man smell.
4. They make you share a long elevator ride with a really talkative guy you only kind of know.
3. Step-by-step demonstration of how a chicken becomes a mcnugget.
2. A room full of mirrors and a naked John Madden.
1. Guy named Puffy keeps shooting at you.
Top Ten Good Things About Having a President With A Temper- January 10, 2000
10. Fun to hear White House spokesman use phrase "'roid rage"
9. 4 words: Vice President John Rocker
8. Sam Donaldson would find himself on a raft to Cuba
7. New monument: Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Looked at the President Funny
6. Instead of jar of jellybeans on desk, president claims to have "can of whoop-ass"
5. State of the Union address begins with the words "Hulk mad..."
4. Years from now, it would be cool to have coin with a guy giving the finger on it
3. Ends each radio address with "Well, I see it's clobberin' time"
2. Goodbye presidential veto -- hello guy named Vito hired by the president to break legs
1. Look how well it worked for Nixon!
Top Ten Donald Trump Tips For A Healthy, Loving Relationship- January 11, 2000
10. No pick-up line better than "have sex with me or you're evicted."
9. Look at her lovingly as you would gaze at yourself in a mirror.
8. She touches the hair, she's out the door.
7. Loving, healthy relationships should last no longer than 3 months.
6. Don't brag "Had her, had her, had her" when watching Miss USA Pageant with wife.
5. Take her to your casino, give her roll of quarters, say, "Go nuts."
4. Tell her "Of all the women I've slept with, you're somewhere in the 90-95th percentile."
3. Nothing says "I love you" like 2 tickets to: "Taj Mahal Presents An Evening With John Davidson."
2. Make up your own "Trump Tower" joke here.
1. Rule #1 -- Become a billionaire.
Top Ten Questions Dumb Guys Would Ask The First Lady- January 12, 2000
10. "So, have you actually, like, met the president?"
9. "Did you ever rebuild your house after it got blown up in 'Independence Day'?"
8. "What's your stance on that guy in that country doing that stuff?"
7. "How about a federal law making shoes easier to tie?"
6. "Aren't monkeys funny -- especially when they're smoking and dressed like people?"
5. "Do you have one of them robot maids like in 'The Jetsons'?"
4. "This is the White House, right? Well gimme some of them square hamburgers."
3. "Is it wrong for the president to appoint his own wife first lady?"
2. "If elected Senator, would you please, please, please bring the strip clubs back to New York City?"
1. "Have you ever met my dad, George Bush?"
Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Whispered To Me Before The Interview- January 13, 2000
10. "May I leave now?"
9. "Al Gore was right -- you do smell like a hospital."
8. "Will there be time for me to do a song?"
7. "At this instant, my husband has 3,500 Tomahawk missiles pointed at you."
6. "Do you mind if I give a shout out to my homie Ol' Dirty Bastard?"
5. "I can't believe I'm going to sit in the chair that Tony Danza sat in."
4. "You have an audience? The show always seems so quiet."
3. "Just thought you should know, your announcer made several clumsy passes at me."
2. "I need $20,000 and a speedboat -- don't ask why."
1. "And you are...?"
Top Ten Headlines On A Slow News Day - January 14, 2000
10. "Comb Usage Up 1%"
9. "Pope Does Not Lead Cops on High-Speed Chase"
8. "Hitting Head With Hammer Hurts"
7. "Small Jump In Interest Rates Fails to Impress Pre-Schoolers"
6. "Vast Majority of Senior Citizens Intimidated by Japanese Food"
5. "Uninterrupted Flow of Electric Power Pleases Appliance Users"
4. "Headline Writer to Wife: 'Have You Seen My Car Keys?'"
3. "Psychic Predicts Kurt Russell to Star in Disappointing Movie"
2. "'Star Trek' Fan Fails in Sex Bid"
1. "Man Buys Hat"
Top Ten Least Rented Christmas Movies - January 17, 2000
10. "'Twas 243 Nights Before Christmas"
9. "Frosty, the Anatomically Correct Snowman"
8. "Deuce Bistletoe: Male Mistletoe"
7. "The Grinch Who Sold Christmas On Ebay"
6. "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"
5. "Yo Ho Ho! Dave Letterman's Rappin' Christmas"
4. Discovery Channel Presents: "Elf Autopsy"
3. "Let's See What Bing Crosby Looks Like Now!"
2. "Tiny Tim: Big Where It Counts"
Top Ten Things To Do While Stuck In Traffic - January 18, 2000
10. Play the exciting game "Does My Head Fit In The Glove Compartment?"
9. Roll down window, ask person next to you, "Is this the line for Pokemon?"
8. Honk your horn -- that always helps to get things moving
7. Call police, report stolen car, give license plate of car in front of you
6. Imagine you're in line of cars waiting to run over Donald Trump
5. Turn on wipers, have "race" to see which one goes faster
4. Walk up to guy in car ahead of you, ask him about his grandson
3. Use jumper cables to resuscitate roadkill
2. Plow into a couple of those dorky new VW Beetles
1. Check beverage holder for Y2K compatibility
Top Ten Successful NASA Missions - January 19, 2000
10. Navigated Toyota Camry through Wendy's drive-thru.
9. Paved nearly 40% of the moon.
8. Used space shuttle's robotic arm to give finger to Mir space station.
7. Some guy in propulsion systems department got 11 million points on "Asteroids."
6. Built lifelike robot and got him elected vice president.
5. Discovered 40 new "planets" after scientist sneezed on telescope lens.
4. Place satellite in orbit around Al Roker.
3. Developed something called the "Marv Probe."
2. Landed a man on Ellen DeGeneres.
1. While skyrocket was in flight, had some afternoon delight.
Top Ten Ways Columbus' Crew Passed Time On Their Two-Month Voyage - January 20, 2000
10. Testing equipment to make sure it was Y1.5K compliant.
9. Complaining about how they don't get Columbus Day off.
8. Pretending to enjoy Columbus' weird alter ego "Chris Gaines."
7. "Polishing the telescope."
6. "Pumping the bilge."
5. "Placing all hands on deck."
4. "Buffing the scrimshaw."
3. "Oiling the bow thruster."
2. "Shaking hands with the first mate."
1. "Baiting the mast."
Top Ten Middle-Of-The-Night Messages Siegfried Leaves on Roy's Answering Machine - January 21, 2000
10. "Don't forget, tomorrow's the day we bleach the tigers."
9. "Hi Siegfried, it's Roy -- or wait, am I Siegfried? Either way, call me."
8. "I was just watching a documentary about tigers and it sorta made me think of you."
7. "I'm still combing your damn sequins out of my hair."
6. "Want to go to Hooters and pretend to look at chicks?"
5. "Come quick... Crazed bengal... Losing blood..."
4. "Don't kid yourself -- I can always find another sexually-ambiguous, freaky looking, German magician/animal trainer."
3. "I just had a terrible realization -- we're ridiculous."
2. "Got any shaving cream? I'm doing my chest and I ran out."
1. "Dr. Carlson says it's time for our yearly face-tightening."
Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want To Leave San Francisco - January 24, 2000
10. Local cops won't give you speeding ticket if you say you're on a "bad trip"
9. I'm right at the beginning of a beautiful relationship with a loaf of sourdough
8. Hectic New York pace always harshes my mellow, Dude
7. Clint Eastwood might still be in Ed Sullivan Theater
6. Chinatown acupuncturist has to remove the needles from my ass
5. Haven't "poked one out of Candlestick," if you know what I mean
4. San Francisco: Little cable cars climb halfway to the stars. New York: Cab drivers give you the finger
3. That very special friend I made in Alcatraz
2. If I go more than 12 hours without Rice-A-Roni, I start shaking like a Mexican carburetor
1. It's diggety dank!
Top Ten Bobby Pet Peeves - January 25, 2000
10. When the missus uses my hat to make potato salad.
9. When that smartass Sherlock Holmes makes us look bad.
8. Hat jackings (videotape of Bobby's hat being stolen).
7. The way these tall hats make your hair grow like Lyle Lovett.
6. Letterman and his damn speeding!
5. People who mix you up with that Bobbitt fellow.
4. It's bloody difficult to get Dunkin Donuts over here.
3. Guys who eat pork chops for breakfast.
2. When the queen gooses you and you can't do a bloody thing about it.
1. Yank chat shows and their bloody rotten jokes.
Top Ten Ways O.J. Is Searching For The Real Killers - January 26, 2000
10. Gets on white courtesy phone at airports, has them page the real killers
9. Elaborate ongoing "Sting" operation at Pebble Beach
8. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to help out their old buddy O.J.
7. Signing autographs for money -- No killer can resist a good autograph signing
6. Dating lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives
5. Offering free upgrade on next Hertz rental
4. Trying to lure them out of hiding with carload of tacos
3. Asked the Menendez brothers to get in touch if they hear anything
2. Before sinking Putt, takes a good look in the cup to make sure they ain't hiding there
1. Watching "Real Killer Night" on Jeopardy
Top Ten Good Things About Being a Senior Citizen - January 27, 2000
10. The three Ms: Mahjong, Metamucil, and Matlock!
9. When you're on a Carnival Cruise and Kathie Lee starts singing, you can turn off your hearing aid
8. Instead of tipping waiters, I just tell them they can have my car when I die
7. It's easy to annoy young people. Step one: get in car. Step two: turn on blinker. Step three: leave it on for 50 miles
6. The early-bird special at Hooters
5. You can say whatever the hell pops into your mind. Waffles!
4. Once you hit 70, you start to look damn good in polyester!
3. My new bridge partner: Bob Dole
2. Social Security will be bankrupt in 50 years and guess what -- we don't care!
1. You're lookin' at a guy who's nailed all the Golden Girls
Top Ten Good Things About Not Making the NBA Playoffs - January 28, 2000
10. Can now devote myself to heckling Spike Lee
9. Can finally watch all my taped episodes of "Touched By An Angel"
8. Get to spend every evening "slam dunking" a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon
7. I was starting to get sick of taking showers with a bunch of naked sweaty guys
6. Get to be here for Dave's "Indianapolis Lovefest '97!"
5. No more deadbeat relatives hitting me up for playoff tickets
4. Don't have to worry about cutting myself on Dennis Rodman's nose-ring
3. More time to eat fried chicken with Fuzzy Zoeller
2. If you win, you go to the White House. If you go to the White House, Bubba grabs your wife's ass
1. Too impolite to sweep the Knicks in the first round
Top Ten Ways The New Show Will Be Better - January 31, 2000
10. Kids watch free.
9. No more relying on cheap G.E. jokes (unless we're really stuck).
8. My new "Rappin' Dave" character.
7. Inhaling asbestos particles from renovation makes me extra "wacky."
6. If they applaud really loudly, everyone in tonight's studio audience gets a brand new car!
5. No more pressure to book NBC President Robert C. Wright's son-in-law, Marv Albert.
4. It's the same show. Better time. New sta--oh, for the love of God, stop saying that!
3. I'm more focused since my break-up with Loni.
2. Every Friday Paul and I swap medication.
1. A whole new wardrobe for Vanna!
Top Ten Signs Arnold Schwarzenegger is Getting Older - February 02, 2000
10. He's been triggering explosions with The Clapper
9. After day of shooting action scenes, entire set smells like Ben Gay
8. Over two dozen times in "Eraser," he says, "You'll have to speak up"
7. Instead of shooting bad guys, challenges them to $10 game of shuffleboard
6. For "Terminator 3," he's been replaced by this guy (roll videotape)
5. Recently switched from steroids to Metamucil
4. Special effects in latest movie provided by Sy Sperling
3. Bulging chest muscles really just a Wonderbra
2. Catch phrase changed from "I'll be back" to "Oh, my back!"
1. His stunt double: Bob Dole
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Suspended by Major League Baseball - February 03, 2000
10. Secretly switching the Gatorade with the urine samples
9. Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team
8. Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger
7. Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level
6. You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat
5. For the last several innings you've played shortstop in a delightful cocktail dress
4. During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease
3. Wearing your cup outside your pants
2. Hitting for the cycle with the umpire's wife
1. Corking yourself
Top Ten Surprises in Roger Clinton's Book Growing Up Clinton - February 04, 2000
10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the army said, "no, thanks"
9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese outfit
8. He's half Clinton, half Piscopo
7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent three months chasing an armadilloacross the Mojave Desert
6. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the reflecting pool
5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump"
4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as "one-term Bubba"
3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance (VT of Kato dancing)
2. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea
1. He voted for Perot
Top Ten Things That Sound Creepy When Said By John Malkovich - February 07, 2000
10. "Does this look infected to you?"
9. "I put my jammies on all by myself, mommy!"
8. "You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one compact disc?"
7. "Senator Hillary Clinton"
6. "I can provide references from my last hospital job."
4. "I love you, Ted Danson."
3. "Your glasses will be ready in about an hour, Ted Danson."
2. "Johnny likes bunnies."
1. "Who wants to be a millionaire?"
Top Ten Things My Mom Said to Me While I Was Growing Up - February 08, 2000
10. "What did I tell you about putting on Mommy's lip gloss?"
9. "Remember, David, you're only here because the gypsies didn't want you."
8. "Comb your hair, or it'll look that way when you're 51."
7. "Yes, David, you're very funny -- now finish your Prozac."
6. "Of course I'll be your prom date."
5. "With grades like these, you'll have to go to Ball State."
4. "Look at all the empty chairs we invited to your birthday party."
3. "Next time you'll have to raise your own bail money."
2. "I know what you're doing in there."
1. "Time for bed, Steve, or whatever the hell your name is."
Top Ten Numbers From One To Ten - February 09, 2000
Top Ten Words That Sound Romantic When Spoken By Barry White - February 10, 2000
5. Prime Time Catastrophe
2. Big Ass Ham
Top Ten Things I've Always Wanted To Say To Dave - February 11, 2000
10. "May I be your intern?" (Mia Farrow)
9. "Thanks for making my hair look so good." (Mayor Rudolph Guiliani)
8. "Of all the old guys on 60 Minutes -- you're my favorite." (Puff Daddy)
7. "I've always wanted to read #5 on the Top Ten list." (Michael J. Fox)
6. "How come every time I'm on the show you make me run around the studio like a stupid maniac?" (Regis Philbin)
5. "Thanks, Dave." (Michael J. Fox)
4. "If it weren't for you, I'd be the sexiest man alive." ("Leonardo DiCaprio")
3. "Dave, you are one great kisser." (Cindy Crawford)
2. "Dave, you are one great kisser." (John Goodman)
1. "You're adopted." (Dave's Mom)
Top Ten Beautiful Women Complaints About Men - February 14, 2000
10. "When they run out of snacks and start eating your birth control pills."
9. "Half a can of Bud Light and they're calling you 'Mommy'." (Samantha Mathis)
8. "When I come home early and catch him wearing my Wonderbra." Elizabeth Berkley)
7. "All that testosterone makes 'em jump around like hyperactive chimps."
6. "Thanks to that Demi Moore-Robert Redford movie, every dweeb with a million dollars keeps following me around with his checkbook."
5. "They want to talk and talk, and all we really want to do is have sex."
4. "Sometimes big feet just means big feet." (Frederique)
3. "They keep using lame pick-up lines like, 'C'mon let's do it right here on the Oval Office desk!" (Tyra Banks)
2. "We have boobs; they are boobs." (Rosie Perez)
1. "I can't stand it when all you guys grab my ass!" (Howard Stern)
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Cab Driver -February 15, 2000
10. "You don't mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?"
9. "Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?"
8. "You're not a cop, are you?"
7. "If my doctor knew I was driving, he'd be real pissed."
6. "All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake."
5. "You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat."
4. "I'm letting you know up front, any touching is fifty bucks extra."
3. "Mommy let me drive by myself today."
2. "You know it's 4:00 and three couples already had sex back there."
1. "My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate."
Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names - February 16, 2000
10. Ginger Vitis
9. Stripper Gore
8. Mrs. Charlie Sheen
7. Stanley Cups
6. Lois the Letterman Look-a-like
5. H. Rose Perot
4. Sue Dafed
3. Yogi Bare-Ass
2. Nude Gingrich
1. Tammy Lasorda
Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Sung by a Barber Shop Quartet - February 18, 2000
10. President Bill Clinton has pasty white thighs.
9. You make a very handsome cellmate, Mr. Menendez .
8. I'm sorry my Rottweiler threw up all over your Persian rug .
7. We've never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever had sex .
6. We really hope Drew Barrymore takes off her shirt again .
5. Last night we saw a man doing the Macarena so we beat him to a bloody pulp .
4. That red-haired announcer is the world's most annoying man.
3. Call 9-1-1, someone shot me in the ass!
2. Why are we so happy? Because we're very drunk.
1. Hey, everybody, try to guess which one of us is gay!
Top Ten Ways I'll Improve New York City - February 20, 2002
10. I'll personally pay every New Yorker's rent for the next four years
9. Get caught jaywalking and we'll impound your shoes
8. Once a week a different New Yorker has to mow Central Park
7. Subway cars now equipped with a complimentary all-you-can-eat soup and salad bar
6. Every weekend bare-knuckle boxing matches on front lawn of Gracie Mansion
5. Free full-body massages from your cabbie
4. I'm renaming the city "Funkytown"
3. Mandatory ten o'clock curfew for Bill Clinton
2. If a car alarm goes off, call me and I'll personally come and tow it
1. Okay, Arizona, you had your fun -- now we're coming to get our World Series trophy
Top Ten Good Things About Being Stationed In Kandahar - February 21, 2002
10. "When I go for a ride in my armored Humvee, everyone is really friendly to me"
(Sergeant Anthony Croft)
9. "All the fabulous new goat recipes"
(Sergeant Andrew Carpenter)
8. "I've gotten the autographs of over a dozen Mullahs"
(Staff Sergeant Roger Bell)
7. "You don't really have time to dwell on that figure skating controversy"
(Specialist Ricky Covert)
6. "All-you-can-eat sand"
(Sergeant Tyson Daniel)
5. "Did you say 'Kandahar'? They told me this was Canada"
(Corporal Duane Charlton)
4. "Aren't many better ways of getting out of jury duty"
(Specialist Maurice Smith)
3. "There's a great duty-free shop in what's left of the Kandahar airport"
(Specialist Lakeisha Blanks)
2. "I haven't seen The Late Show in six months"
(Specialist Marlon Harris)
1. "Of all the 'stan' countries, this is the place to be"
(Command Sergeant Major Iuniasolua Savusa)
Top Ten Signs We're Out of Practice Doing The Top Ten List - February 25, 2000
10. 8. Jokes out of order
9. 10. perjon tpyohn9g lsit is drnukl
8. 9. Jokes don't make sense Ted Danson monkey clown pie
7. Must pause part way through list to let drummer catch breath
6. Same item appears twice
5. Same item appears twice
4. And the number 4 sign we're out of practice doing the Top Ten List....Same item appears twice
3. Accidentally end list three jokes early
2. Topic suddenly changes near end of list
1. And the number one Rejected Grammy Category...Oldest Dirtiest Bastard
Top Ten Leftover Top Ten Entries - February 26, 2002
10. Lord of the Ringos
9. "I'll take 2 tickets to the Harlem Globetrotters and a $250,000 bond, please"
8. It wasn't me -- it was a guy named N. Ron!
7. Stone Temple Phillips
6. The mafia guys are always caught "whacking" themselves
5. Ashcroft covered the Statue of Justice, now he's naked
4. I'm sorry, Winona Ryder stole your Grammy
3. "My Mullah is an honor student at Kandahar High"
2. He's in a secure, undisclosed strip club
1. "Dude, where's my turban?"
Top Ten Features Of The New Elvis Theme Resort - February 27, 2002
10. Each room has a combination jacuzzi/deep fryer
9. Diners get to vote between the "young" lasagna and the "old" lasagna
8. Mirrors that make you look bloated and sweaty
7. Free cholesterol screenings
6. Every hundredth customer wins an all-expenses paid short-lived marriage to Lisa Marie Presley
5. Complimentary sideburns left on your pillow
4. Saturday clambakes hosted by guy who played "Paul the bartender" in the Elvis movie "Clambake"
3. The opportunity to take part in the worst financial scheme since Enron
2. 24-hour pharmacy, no prescriptions needed
1. Two words: sequined soap
Top Ten Last Lines For David Hasselhoff's Character on Baywatch - February 28, 2000
10. "It's only been 29 minutes since I ate, but I think I'll go for a swim."
9. "Call doctor! Losing blood! Chest hair caught in outboard motor!"
8. "Screw this -- I'm going to work for the Alan Keyes campaign."
7. "I just saw a dead fish that was, like, totally gross, so I'm quitting."
6. "What I'll miss most is the dedication of the crew -- well, that and all the naked girls with the nice breasts."
5. "Tell the kind people of Germany I love them."
4. "Don't worry, it's just a routine heart examination."
3. "I'm sorry to disappoint all my gay fans."
2. "You haven't heard the last of David Hasselhoff...oh wait, you probably have."
1. "Bay, I won't be watching you anymore."
Top Ten Signs Kathie Lee Just Doesn't Give A Damn Anymore - March 01, 2000
10. Sometimes goes minutes at a time without mentioning her kids.
9. This year's special: "Kathie Lee's Family Winter Christmas Blah Blah Blah Whatever."
8. Keeps referring to Regis as the host of "Card Sharks."
7. Dumped Frank; started dating Puffy.
6. Dumped Puffy; started dating Rick Rockwell.
5. Won't stop talking about her quintuple bypass.
4. Forgets to not wear a bra.
3. No matter how much America pleads, she refuses to favor us with a song.
2. Tells Emeril during cooking segment, "Scream 'Bam' in my ear one more time and I'm gonna stick you."
1. She's guest-hosting the "Late Show."
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Ski Lift - March 03, 2000
10. "Wow, you don't get views like this in prison."
9. "You know, we'd both be warmer if you sat on my lap."
8. "If it doesn't snow again soon, I'm afraid they're gonna find the bodies."
7. "It's your lucky day -- you're riding with the king of the knock-knock jokes."
6. "Can you help me defrost my moustache?"
5. "Could you believe it? Some idiot just left these skis sitting right outside the lodge."
4. "While we've got a few minutes -- let me tell you about the Jehovah's Witnesses."
3. "Ow! I just got hit in the face by a goose!"
2. "I got a perfect way of testing if they have 10 inches of powder."
1. "All right boys, cut the cable!"
Top Ten Signs Your Campaign Is Doomed - March 06, 2000
10. Campaign bus adorned with catchy slogan "Greyhound"
9. Your staffers already refer to day after "Super Tuesday" as "Crushing Depression Wednesday."
8. Your name: Michael W. Dukakis
7. John Rocker won't shut up about how great you are.
6. You ask wife who she voted for; she says, "That's personal."
5. You own one suit, and it's starting to get ripe.
4. You've done the bulk of your campaigning in Mexico.
3. Only "celebrity" supporting you is guy who sort of looks like Roy Scheider.
2. When McCain mentions years in Vietnamese prison, you brag, "In junior high I was, like, always getting detention."
1. Voters refer to you as "The dork in the pirate outfit."
Top Ten Headlines During a George W. Bush Presidency - March 08, 2000
10. "President Streaks Supreme Court"
9. "President Fails In Shoe-Tying Bid"
8. "President To Nation: 'Do These Non-Prescription Eyeglasses Make Me Look Smarter?'"
7. "Bush To Hussein: 'I'm Telling My Daddy On You'"
6. "President Cancels Meeting With Pope After Discovering He's Catholic"
5. "Bush Remembers Setting Nuclear Football Down At The Mall, Doesn't Know What Happened To It"
4. "America Under Siege: Day 16 of President's Head Stuck In Banister"
3. "Even Dumber George Bush III Preparing For 2012 Election"
2. "President Completes 3 Month 'Goodwill Tour' Of Amsterdam"
1. "President Trades America For 'Magic Dog'"
Top Ten Most Popular Shows at the Vatican - March 13, 2000
10. "Friends...Of The Lord"
9. "World's Scariest Popemobile Chases"
8. "Kids Say The Darndest Things and as a Result Go To Hell"
7. "Platonic Love Boat"
6. "Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee"
5. "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch Who Was Burned At The Stake"
4. "Beverly Hills IXOCCX"
3. "Everybody Loves Praying"
2. "Virgin Mary Tyler Moore"
Top Ten Items On President Clinton's Resume - March 14, 2000
10. 1986-89: Body Double for Pillsbury Doughboy.
9. 1973: Voted Yale Law School "Most Weaselly."
8. References available upon subpoena.
7. June 1988: Secretly married Carmen Electra.
6. Career objective: Keeping my fat ass out of prison.
5. 1997 Winner of the Golden Moonshine Jug for Outstanding Hillbilly Achievement.
4. Executive Director, American Society of Bubbas.
3. 1997: Cruller Tester, Winchell's Donuts.
2. Proud father of over 200 students at Little Rock Junior High.
1. Can lie fluently in seven languages.
Top Ten Tips For Living 100 Years - March 16, 2000
10. Break it up into a couple of manageable fifty-year chunks.
9. Get at least 23 hours of sleep a night.
8. Have motivational goal such as outliving that punk Hugh Downs.
7. Daily exercise such as walking to the adult book shop.
6. For the love of God, don't name your kids "Lyle" and "Erik."
5. If Chuck Knoblauch is at bat, wear a helmet.
4. Stay the hell away from the Hindenberg.
3. Keep telling yourself: "Willard Scott birthday greeting...Willard Scott birthday greeting..."
2. Forget that New Age crap -- sweat the small stuff.
1. Avoid dying.
Top Ten Things That Guy Has Heard About Beef - March 17, 2000
10. If you eat too much of it, it can make your hair look really goofy.
9. It causes "bad acting disease."
8. It comprises 3% of the average McDonald's cheeseburger.
7. It tastes great then a couple hours later an alien bursts our of your stomach.
6. Madonna seems to like it.
5. Cows are keeping a list of people who eat beef for when they rise up and kill the humans.
4. That old lady who said, "Where's the beef?" died from eating beef and pop rocks.
3. It just beat Dan Quayle in an early presidential poll.
2. Something about George Michael and a public restroom.
1. It's been seen sneaking out of Oprah's house early in the morning.
Top Ten Ways To Tick Off Alex Trebek - March 20, 2000
10. Rig your buzzer so it gives him a painful high-voltage shock
9. Insist religion prohibits you from phrasing answer in form of question
8. Do the old "got your mustache" trick
7. Tell him he should have retired ten years ago (sorry, that's a way to tick off me, Dave)
6. Hide in his bedroom ready to "play the home game"
5. Ask why "know-it-all Canadians with fruity mustaches" is never a category
4. During "Daily Double" you wager a "cajillion" dollars
3. Answer every question, "Who is George Peppard?"
2. Instead of writing Final Jeopardy response, draw picture of you and his wife having sex
1. What is, "Kick him in the nuts?"
Top Ten Signs Madonna Is Settling Down - March 21, 2000
10. Says "please" and "thank you" during sex with nameless strangers.
9. Baby-proofed cabinets using her old handcuffs.
8. Pizza delivery boy just delivers pizza then leaves.
7. Instead of gyrating on stage, passes out a dish of hard candies.
6. When asked "Who's the father?" actually has a few good leads.
5. Donated bedroom "Take A Number" machine to local bakery.
4. Now uses her metal bra as quaint country wind chime.
3. Instead of sleeping with entire NBA, now only sleeps with Eastern Conference.
2. No longer qualifies for quantity discount on batteries at Radio Shack.
1. When shopping for new see-through outfits, uses coupons.
Top Ten New NHL Slogans - March 22, 2000
10. "It's Like An Episode of 'Cops' On Ice!"
9. "See For Yourself What Canadian Blood Looks Like"
8. "The 'H' Is For 'Hematoma'"
7. "It's Like Watching Really, Really Primitive Dentistry"
6. "A Sport That Combines Your Two Favorite Things -- Ice Skating and Head Trauma"
5. "You Can't Spell 'Unhealthy' Without 'NHL'"
4. "Share The Excitement, Or We'll Beat Your Brains In With a Piece of Wood"
3. "We Injure More People By 9pm Than Pro Football Does All Year"
2. "Don't Worry, Kids -- They're Just Saying 'Puck'"
1. "He Shoots, He Scars"
Top Ten Tommy Lee Jones Roles - March 23, 2000
10. Hard-nosed U.S. Marshall chasing wrongly-accused fugitive.
9. No-nonsense U.S. Marshall chasing wrongly-accused fugitive.
8. Gruff U.S. Marshall who sees dead people.
7. Intense McDonald's employee chasing customer who took too many napkins.
6. Completely insane Diana Ross chasing airport security guard.
5. Adorable little ballerina chasing her dream.
4. By-the-book, break-all-the-rules detective trying to figure out whether you can be both by the book and break all the rules.
3. Determined Sosa chasing steroid-crazed McGwire.
2. Hyperactive morning talk show host annoying people who want to be millionaires.
1. Chase bank employee chasing after Chevy Chase.
Top Ten Things The Yankees Have Always Wanted To Say- March 24, 2000
10. Take off the Yankee hat, Hillary.
(Catcher Jim Leyritz)
9. You haven't lived until you've scratched yourself in front of 20 million viewers.
(Pitcher Jeff Nelson)
8. You know how you have to give 100%? When you play the Marlins, you gotta give 40 or 50%.
(Infielder Clay Bellinger)
7. Late Show audiences are the best in the world.
(Pitcher Jason Grimsley)
6. We didn't win because of our pitching or hitting, we won because of our fans!
(Pitcher Jason Grimsley)
5. I really like saying things I don't mean to get cheap applause.
(Pitcher Jason Grimsley)
4. Man oh man do I love betting on baseball.
(Pitching coach Mel Stottlemeyer)
3. I don't play for the money, I play because I like having guys pat me on my ass.
(Pitcher Roger Clemens)
2. Chicks dig me.
(Shortstop "Derek Jeter"--actually, building engineer George Clarke)
1. I was rooting for the Braves.
(Manager Joe Torre)
Top Ten Things Overheard At My Academy Awards Party - March 27, 2000
10. "Wow -- meatballs in the shape of Dave's diseased heart."
9. "Kitty, hold still so I can put on your little tuxedo."
8. "Shh! The sound effects editing category is next!"
7. "I see a dead party."
6. "Thank goodness for the E! Channel. Now I know what socks Karl Malden is wearing."
5. "Dave must love 'American Beauty' -- he's wearing only rose petals."
4. "Dave, if you'd just buy a TV we wouldn't have to stand in Sears."
3. "Call me snooty, but I don't consider sugar-free Certs 'hors d'oeuvres'."
2. "Look, the missing Academy Award statuette! Oh, my mistake -- Hi, Paul."
1. "What else is on?"
Top Ten Dumb Accountant Tax Tips - March 28, 2000
10. Don't file a W-2 form unless your name begins with "W"
9. Answer every question "Wouldn't you like to know?"
8. Hide all money in mattress, on return write "No money hidden in mattress"
7. If you've just eaten, don't do taxes for at least half an hour
6. Hire yourself as an employee, fire yourself, sue yourself for discrimination, deduct court costs
5. Report $1 billion income so IRS will think you're some sort of big shot
4. For "charitable contributions," list $9 you spent on last Kevin Costner movie
3. Request bonus deduction because "easy" misspelled on 1040-EZ form
2. To distract the auditor, enclose a photo of yourself naked
1. Remember, you can't spell "taxes" without "CPA"
Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Is Rusty - March 29, 2000
10. When umpire yells "Ball 2!" batter runs to first base.
9. Player gets injured putting on his hat.
8. Normal infield chatter replaced with, "Please, lord, don't hit it to me!"
7. There are 16 guys playing second base.
6. They're only just getting the hang of patting each other on the ass.
5. Three whole months go by before first drug suspension.
4. Batter complains to umpire that pitches are just too darn fast.
3. John Rocker can't think of a single insulting nickname for his cabdriver.
2. They scratch their bats and cork their groins.
1. Runner gets thrown out stealing mound.
Top Ten Questions On The George W. Bush Application For Running Mate - March 30, 2000
10. "Ever been president? 'Cause that would help"
9. "Do you party?" (If "No" -- skip rest of questions)
8. "Do you have ideas for tax plans and stuff that I could copy from?"
7. "We already have a uniter on the ticket, how are your dividing skills?"
6. "Are you stupid? We can't have two stupid people on the ticket"
5. "Will you be able to assume the presidency if Mr. Bush is really, really hungover?"
4. "How many lines per minute can you do?"
3. "You're not a narc, are you?"
2. "I tiped this kweschun miself! Kan u tel?"
1. "Dude, what fraternity were you in?"
Top Ten Circus Clown Pickup Lines - March 31, 2000
10. "You know what they say about guys with comicaly large shoes.'
9. "Are you ready for the second-greatest show on earth?"
8. "How would you like to be Mrs. Jingles for a night?"
7. "Wanna go for a drive with me and forty of my friends?"
6. "Would you help me remove my greasepaint from some hard-to-reach places?"
5. "How'd you like to see the big top?"
4. "Don't waste your time with the strong man -- the steroids made him impotent."
3. "You know the old saying, 'Once you've had a clown, you'll never turn around'."
2. "Two things on me honk."
1. "I once met Steve Ringling."
Top Ten Bad Titles For College Application Essays - April 03, 2000
10. "Why I'm Gonna Get So Much Attention In College"
9. "Chico, My Most Unforgettable Cellmate"
8. "D's = A's: My High School's Complex Grading System"
7. "Gross Things I Did To Food When I Worked At McDonald's"
6. "I Hired Some Chinese Kid To Write This Essay"
5. "Why The Admissions Director Loves His Car And Wouldn't Want Anything Bad To Happen To It"
4. "A Few Ideas On What To Do With All Those Annoying Elderly People"
3. "Faith Hill: She's A Good Singer, But Is She Really A Diva?"
2. "Instead Of An Essay, Here's a Photocopy Of My Ass"
1. "One Year In College, Then 'Hello, NBA!'"
Top Ten Surprises In Falcone - April 05, 2000
10. When crime boss gives kiss of death, he leaves lipstick
9. Follows rise and fall of the notorious Osmond family
8. Every episode focuses on how cool last night's Sopranos was
7. All confrontations take place via America Online "Instant Messaging"
6. "Family business" is non-profit organization promoting youth literacy
5. Characters spend entire episode determining who's "most ticklish"
4. Head of crime family: that precocious 7-year-old girl from Pepsi commercials
3. Guys who get killed show up later playing different characters
2. Hit-man character frequently caught "whacking" self
1. All the mobsters are named Barry
Top Ten Things Elian Gonzalez's Dad Said His First Day In The United States - April 06, 2000
10. "You people are some Starbucks-lovin' sons of bitches."
9. "I want to thank your great land for not turning my young boy into a political football."
8. "Something's wrong with this television -- the picture's in color."
7. "Elian can wait -- first I visit the grave of Ricky Ricardo."
6. "I will only be interviewed by respected ABC newsman Leonardo DiCaprio."
5. "Does anyone know who shot J.R.?"
4. "I don't care if you are from the Yankees -- I can't pitch."
3. "I have just heard a shocking story about your President Clinton and our cigars."
2. "As long as I'm here, I also want to take back Jennifer Lopez."
1. "What's a Regis?"
Top Ten Signs Tiger Woods Is Overconfident - April 07, 2000
10. While everyone else is in Georgia, Tiger tees off from Michigan
9. After 12th hole tells caddy, "Why don't you finish up for me?"
8. Doesn't look to see where green is; just starts hitting
7. On his tax return, lists his occupation as "Best Damn Golfer on Planet"
6. Claims he'll match John Daly shot-for-shot both on the green and in the bar
5. Bought 20-foot wallet in anticipation of winning giant check
4. Offers to play entire tournament with nothing but a rake
3. When asked, "What do you think of the competition?" laughs his ass off for 20 minutes
2. Vows that if he doesn't win, he'll go to Cuba in Elian Gonzalez's place
1. Let himself balloon to 334 pounds
Top Ten Articles In Oprah's New Magazine - April 10, 2000
10. "P, R, A And H. The Four Runner-Up Titles For This Magazine"
9. "Do What I Say Or I'll Make Another Movie"
8. "Funerals And Meetings With The Pope: Occasions Not To Use 'You Go, Girl'"
7. "While You're Reading This, I Made 50 Million Dollars"
6. "The Night I Nailed Deepak Chopra"
5. "The Million-Dollar Bill: A Convenience That's Long Overdue"
4. "My Love Affair With Oprah," By Oprah
3. "You Suckers Will Never Know What It's Like To Live In A Solid Gold Mansion"
2. "Ricki Lake's Home Phone Number And How She Hates 3 am Calls"
1. "The Time I Had To Wait 5 Minutes For A Skim Half-Decaf Latte"
Top Ten Signs President Clinton Is Bored - April 11, 2000
10. Spent weekend alphabetizing thousands of lawsuits pending against him
9. Weekly radio address features less talk, more rock
8. Every twenty minutes, calls Area 51 to ask "Any new aliens?"
7. Often cuts cabinet meetings short to catch "Judge Judy"
6. Hefty intern starts working in Oval Office, and he doesn't even grab her ass
5. Watched every episode of "Falcone"
4. To stir up controversy, gave Delaware to the Dutch
3. In addition to Leonardo DiCaprio, agreed to do an interview with little girl in Pepsi commercials
2. Has started smoking cigars
1. Actually tried to sleep with Hillary
Top Ten Signs I, Dave, Am Getting Old - April 12, 2000
10. State troopers say to me, "My dad used to give you tickets."
9. Last week one of the "60 Minutes" guys called me "gramps."
8. Now up to three heart bypass surgeries a week.
7. I used to smell like Brut, now I smell like Ben Gay.
6. 1995: Flashed by Drew Barrymore. 2000: Flashed by Angela Lansbury.
5. Can't have dental work without permission from New York Historical Society.
4. Told Pearl Jam I'm calling the cops if they're loud.
3. Someone called from Willard Scott's office to check what day my birthday is.
2. I can remember when Bobby Brown was the embarrassing one in that marriage.
1. Didn't I just read the number one?
Top Ten Ways The NYPD Can Improve Their Image - April 13, 2000
10. Instead of walkie-talkies, wear headsets like dudes at The Gap
9. Every year, turn "no sales tax week" into "no laws whatsoever week"
8. Fingerprint ink contains patented blend of nine skin moisturizers
7. Cop on horse -- intimidating; cop on donkey -- entertaining
6. New crime scene tape reads: "Police line -- do not cross unless you want to see something totally cool"
5. 100th person to take a leak on the subway wins a dirt bike
4. Mug shots make suspect appear to be going over Niagara Falls in a barrel
3. Bring the damn hookers back to Times Square
2. Arrest every damn team coming to play Knicks, Knicks win championship
1. Let New York be the crime-ravaged hellhole we've all grown to love
Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Accountant Jokes - April 14, 2000
10. "I didn't notice her 1099s, but she sure had nice W-2s."
9. "I've never seen someone deplete his reserves twice in one night."
8. "Looks like Charles just got Schwabed."
7. "Now there's a box I'd like to check."
6. "That's not what I meant when I asked you to liquidate my holdings."
5. "I guess she'd never seen such an impressive sustainable growth rate."
4. "If I could handle my own extension, I'd never leave the house."
3. "Well, would you believe me if I said I was just checking your wife for hidden assets?"
2. "Hurry -- it's depreciating rapidly."
1. "I guess there is a penalty for early withdrawal."
Top Ten Signs Garth Brooks Is Nuts - April 19, 2000
10. Hands you cigar and proudly says, "My cowboy hat's pregnant!"
9. Is seriously considering operation that will make him the fourth Judd
8. Earlier today, endorsed Dan Quayle
7. Just released a collection of love songs about James Brolin
6. Spends hours alone in bedroom "Ropin' the wind"
5. New album just 40 minutes of old answering machine messages
4. Speeds up all vocal tracks to "sound more like them adorable chipmunks"
3. Trashes hotel room -- cleans up and vacuums hotel room -- leaves himself generous housekeeping tip
2. Phones Kenny Rogers late at night and whispers "I'm holding them"
1. Has all his money on the Mets
Top Ten Stores Where The Royal Couple Is Registered - April 20, 2000
10. Everything Scepters
9. Nothin' But Crumpets
8. The Thatcher Image
7. Old Navy That Gets Defeated In The Falklands
5. Queen Victoria's Secret
4. Nigel's World Of Solid Gold Toothpicks
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Blood Pudding
2. The Gap For People That Got Their Butts Kicked By The Americans
1. Hosie Cows 'R Us
Top Ten Janet Reno Pet Peeves - April 24, 2000
10. Having to brush up on Spanish just to read hate mail.
9. Armed troops + civilian resistance = Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.
8. In the Elian TV movie, she'll likely be played by John Lithgow.
7. When she gets angry, she turns green and muscles burst through clothes just dry-cleaned.
6. No one believes, "It was a chocolate gun pointed at Elian's head."
5. Whenever she calls "Playboy" and offers to pose, Hefner's "in a meeting."
4. Saying, "It's the tear gas" when crying at "Erin Brockovich."
3. When Lenscrafters runs out of gigantic, outdated, poorly-fitted frames.
2. Men who feel inadequate when she brings battering ram into bedroom.
1. Constant political pressure to reunite Hall and Oates.
Top Ten Inaccuracies In the Three Stooges TV Movie - April 25, 2000
10. No Stooge was ever named "Regis"
9. The phonograph was invented by Thomas Edison, not Shemp
8. Stooges did not live at time "when dinosaurs ruled the earth"
7. Instead of getting hit by frying pans, they get shot by New York City cops
6. Movie failed to mention they stole entire act from one "David Letterman"
5. In one scene, Moe is reading premiere issue of "O" magazine
4. Eye-poking followed by half-hour discussion ending with apologies and hugs
3. Larry did not die when baby alien exploded out of his stomach
2. As far as we can remember, none of the Stooges ever had sex with a pie
1. There's eleven of them
Top Ten Purdue University Basketball Head Coach Gene Keady Tips For Looking Your Best - April 26, 2000
10. Shake head violently. If a single hair moves--keep spraying.
9. You can find some snazzy ties in the stadium lost and found.
8. Always comb with the grain, not against it.
7. Yelling at players makes your face purple -- that's sort of like having a tan.
6. Tight pants highlight the fact you're a member of the "Big Ten."
5. Don't be one of those guys with hair plugs -- I mean, who do they think they're fooling?
4. I live by one simple rule--try to look better than Dick Vitale.
3. On special occasions, I like to use a little eyeliner.
2. Never, under any circumstance, go to Letterman's barber.
1. Forget "six-pack" abs...just go for the six-pack.
Top Ten Classes Elian Gonzalez Has Missed - April 27, 2000
10. "The Proper Way To Greet an INS Officer Sticking a Gun in Your Face"
9. "Don't Show and Not Allowed To Tell"
8. "How To Be Good at Baseball, But Not Great 'Cause Then You'll Defect"
7. "Conversational North Korean, So You Can Speak With Practically the Only Other Commies Left"
6. "Band-Aid Restoration and Re-Use"
5. "Ricky Ricardo: The Only Good American President"
4. "The Internet: What It Is and Why We Won't Let You Use It"
3. "Horse and Carriage Driver's Ed"
2. "Two Plus Two Equals Whatever Fidel Says It Equals"
1. "Nutritious, Well-Balanced Meals: Who Needs 'Em?"
Top Ten Least Popular Baseball Anthems - April 28, 2000
10. "Take Me Out To The Corporate-Sponsored Megaplex"
9. "Scratch My Groin For The Cameras"
8. "Trade Me Off To Toronto"
7. "Buy Me Some Expensive Counterfeit Sports Memorabilia"
6. "Why's My Girlfriend Kissing Jeter?"
5. "Puffy Shoots, Shoots, Shoots At The Night Club"
4. "My Ass Looks Slimmer In Pinstripes"
3. "Let's Root, Root, Root For The Cubbies, If They Don't Win--Actually, That Won't Be A Big Surprise"
2. "Sex Is Fun At The Ballpark, Buck Naked In The Stands"
1. "For It's One, Two Strikes You're Out 'Cuz The Ump Is A Drunk"
Top Ten Signs Disney Is Out of Control - May 01, 2000
10. Disney employees must have finger amputated so Mickey doesn't feel like outcast
9. They refuse to let Huey, Dewey and Louie see their Cuban father
8. If you listen carefully to Donald Duck, you can make out long strings of profanity-laced ethnic slurs
7. Pokemon characters keep turning up face down in the Hudson
6. The last time I said something bad about Disney, my heart exploded
5. Euro-Disney troops have overrun Poland and the low countries
4. Daytime pass for a child under 12 is now $78,500
3. In a nightclub altercation, Mickey's thugs shot Stuart Little
2. Tinkerbell? Implants
1. Bill Clinton has been acting awfully animatronic lately
Top Ten Signs The Cast Of Cats Just Doesn't Give A Damn - May 02, 2000
10. So many actors calling in sick, name of the show is "Cat."
9. 8pm show starts at 5:45 so they can get home for "Jeopardy."
8. TV commercial features audience member beating theater manager for refund.
7. During finale, you see several cast members filling out Arby's applications.
6. Drunken Rum Tug Tugger brags about "marking territory in coat-check room."
5. Instead of wearing makeup, the guys just stopped shaving.
4. New lyric to "Memory" -- "Midnight and the blah, blah, blah."
3. P.A. announcement: "Mr. Mistoffolees will be played by guy who just delivered my egg salad sandwich."
2. Cats keep muttering, "I hope my other eight lives don't suck this bad."
1. New slogan: "'Cats' -- Now and...well, until June."
Top Ten Items On The Country Music Singer Application - May 03, 2000
10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong
9. Ever nailed a Judd?
8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass?
7. Spell "dagnabbit"
6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: "George Straight" or "Dixie Chicks"?
5. Complete the following sentence -- "Hee ______!"
4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck
3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead -- which Statler Brother would it be?
2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with "truck"
Top Ten Signs You Have A Lame Computer Virus - May 04, 2000
10. Erases hard drive, replaces it with exactly what was there before.
9. You turn on the computer and it starts spitting out $50s.
8. Attacks processor by decreasing RAM by 20 megabytes -- basically turns cursor into Ms. Pac Man.
7. All your software now registered to some guy named "Shecky."
6. All the adult sites now have photos of nude Bill Gates.
5. You now have access to only 48,765 'N Sync sites.
4. Every time you type the phrase "saucer of milk" computer meows.
3. Turns computer monitor into television that only shows CBS.
2. E-mails your friends telling them you actually bought one of those George Foreman grills.
1. It's programmed to go off sometime in the year 1963.
Top Ten Jockey Pet Peeves - May 05, 2000
10. Every time you undress, wife shouts, "Aaaand they're off!"
9. Not one laundry detergent promises to remove horse stink
8. Really wanting to wear dorky yellow shirt, but having to wear dorky pink shirt instead
7. Patrick Ewing makes $15 million, and I'm a way better jockey than him
6. When you spend your whole life around horses you can't help but feel a little...inferior
4. No one wants to be the guy riding a horse named "Fair Lady of the Tulips"
3. Nagging fear if you sprain your ankle, they might shoot you
2. Constant flow of giggling, sex-crazed groupies gets old after a while
1. Too much mint, not enough julep
Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Gladiator Movie - May 08, 2000
10. Computer-animated tiger freezes thanks to "I Love You" virus.
9. "Ancient Rome" looks an awful lot like downtown Yonkers.
8. The rebel gladiators hold their meetings at the Olive Garden.
7. The "chariots": Dodge Neons with the roofs cut off.
6. Accusations that matches have been fixed by promoter Donus Kingus.
5. During a battle, one gladiator yells, "car" and they all have to let the traffic through.
4. Julius Caesar assassinated by Puff Daddy.
3. Instead of emperor's thumb down -- he gives the finger.
2. It's three hours of guys in their underwear shooting rubber bands at one another.
1. It's about the fall of Roma Downey.
Top Ten Reasons John McCain Endorsed George W. Bush - May 09, 2000
10. Setting record -- "Endorsing most dumb rich white guys"
9. The fact that people who don't endorse him often end up in the electric chair
8. Bush hinted might be able to bring back "Beverly Hills 90210"
7. George W. has videotape of McCain partying with him in 80s
6. Figured, "What's the difference -- Gore's gonna whip him like a gimp donkey anyway"
5. The skip in his step, the twinkle in the eye...the man's in love!
4. Bush vowed to brush up on foreign leaders, like that French what's-his-face
3. Four horrendous years with Bush equals President McCain in 2004
2. Very persuasive argument presented by Bush's drug kingpin friends
1. Tired of Bush calling in middle of night screaming, "Pleeeeease!"
Top Ten Signs Your Husband Has Secretly Won The Lottery - May 10, 2000
10. When you open the garage door, two tons of caviar spill out.
9. He tells you, "I'm going to my south Pacific island...I mean the store."
8. Always ordered pepperoni pizza, now suddenly it's pepperoni and sausage.
7. He traded in the family station wagon for a Boeing 707.
6. Renamed his dog "1, 2, 4, 12, 33, 37."
5. Darva Conger arrives with luggage, says, "You must be the old wife."
4. His new American Express card is a color you've never even heard of.
3. He always loved Alan Alda from "M*A*S*H" and now Alan Alda is outside mowing your lawn.
2. Calls his boss from next room, all you can make out is, "...millionaire...quit...shove...ass."
1. On Priceline.com, buys William Shatner.
Top Ten Signs Mayor Giuliani Is In Love With You - May 11, 2000
10. Shows up with wine, cheese and court order forcing you to picnic with him
9. Thanks to a city maintenance crew, Statue of Liberty now looks like you
8. Rent mysteriously lowered to $8,000 a month
7. Casually say you're dog person, next day he announces "Cats" is closing
6. If you date him, promises to break up with other chicks he's nailing
5. "Walk"/"Don't Walk" signs now read "Take All The Time You Need, Sweetheart"
4. You win two bucks in Lotto -- there's a tickertape parade in your honor
3. When he visits you, combover is in shape of a heart
2. Cops bust down door to leave love notes from "your secret admirer"
1. Says to spend time with you, he'd even endorse HIllary
Top Ten Good Things About Being The Mother Of Someone Famous - May 12, 2000
10. Al Roker's mom, Isabel: "Thanks to Al, I'm dating Matt Lauer."
9. John Malkovich's mom, Joe Anne: "Try as they might, no mother has ever raised a creepier son than my Johnny."
8. Queen Latifah's mom, Rita: "All that old crap Queen Latifah left in her room? I'm selling it on eBay."
7. Erik Estrada's mom, Carmen: "I can get out of any speeding ticket by saying, 'I am the mother of Ponch'."
6. Andy Dick's mom, Lynne: "Never have to take pictures of him, I just cut them out of the tabloids."
5. Derek Jeter's mom, Dot: "Sometimes when they're playing the Devil Rays, Derek lets me come in for a few innings."
4. George Clooney's mom, Nina: "I have old photos of the 'Sexiest Man Alive' in a pink tutu."
3. Cindy Crawford's mom, Jennifer: "Young, handsome men always mistake me for Cindy."
2. Kathie Lee Gifford's mom, Joan: "When she sings 'If they could see me now...' -- I'm the one who can tell her to shut the heck up."
1. Dave's mom, Dorothy: "I don't know--none of my children are famous."
Top Ten Ways NBC Is Planning On Cutting Back - May 15, 2000
10. Stop paying for entire news division -- let Tom Brokaw make stuff up
9. "Law and Order" -- same amount of Law, 30% less Order
8. Instead of videotape, Olympic coverage all Polaroids
7. Al Roker must downgrade from Doppler 4000 to Doppler 3950
6. Only sending Jerry Seinfeld 5 BMWs a day begging him to come back
5. Instead of real bodies, "E.R." doctors huddle over board game "Operation"
4. Goodbye NBA -- hello live coverage of old chicks playing Canasta
3. New game show: "Who Wants To Watch ABC's 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'"
2. "Dateline" now only on 43 times a week
1. From now on, NBC equals Nothing But Commercials
Top Ten Coach Bob Knight Tips For Controlling Your Anger - May 16, 2000
10. Don't choke anyone -- if you must, make sure they deserve it.
9. Avoid situations that trigger outbursts, like being around people.
8. Every time opposing team scores, 40 milligrams of Prozac.
7. In winter, wear mittens so you can't give the finger.
6. Slowly count to 10 -- more fun to head-butt someone after giving 10-second running start.
5. Four words: an hour of Oprah.
4. Find constructive ways to vent frustration, choke Dick Vitale.
3. Smashing TV won't stop "Beverly Hills 90210" from going off the air.
2. Get Nicorette people to develop "Quit Being a Bastard" patch.
1. When your face turns color of your sweater, take a timeout.
Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans - May 17, 2000
10. "Because No Clinton Has Ever Disgraced The Office Of Senator"
9. "I'll Try Not To Misplace Or Shred Important Legislation"
8. "Endorsed By The CBS Jesus"
7. "If You Slept With My Husband, The Least You Can Do Is Vote For Me"
6. "I've Loved Every One Of The 17 Days I've Spent Here In New York"
5. "Of The Two Insane Power-Hungry Candidates, I'm Better At Pretending To Be Nice"
4. "Vote For Me Or I'll Have Bill Poison Your Water Supply"
3. "Never Indicted...Knock On Wood!"
2. "I Can Run New York -- Hell, I Ran The Whole Country"
1. "Wait'll You See The Scandals I'm Planning!"
Top Ten Restaurants That Failed New York City Health Inspections - May 18, 2000
10. Drooly's Juice Bar
9. All Things Gamey
8. Chuck E. Sneeze
7. Cap'n Filthy's House of Improperly Refrigerated Shellfish
6. The We-Forgot-To-Bribe-The-Health-Officials Grill
5. I Can't Believe It's Not Sushi!
4. Ray's Original Pizza, And By Original We Mean The Same Slices Have Been Sitting There Since 1963
3. Those Ain't Peppercorns
2. T.R.I.C.H.I.N.O.S.I.S Friday's
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear While Shopping In The Gap - May 19, 2000
10. "Hey Larry -- we finally sold one of those ugly things"
9. "Don't go in the middle dressing room -- I had an accident"
8. "Fifteen minutes ago, this was on a fat, sweaty guy"
7. "I don't feel so good -- I just swallowed one of them security alarm tags"
6. "Man, you should hear what they're saying about you over the headset"
5. "You can't truly appreciate corduroys if you're wearing underwear"
4. "Hey buddy -- wanna swing dance like in them commercials?"
3. "We paid some foreign kid 20 cents to make this"
2. "Would you like to buy the video we took of you in the dressing room?"
1. "Buy 50 shirts so I can make sales associate of the month, or I'll break your knees"
Top Ten Features of the NRA Restaurant - May 22, 2000
10. Freshest meat in town because they shoot it right before your eyes.
9. Bulletproof lobster bibs.
8. Mandatory seven-day waiting period between ordering dinner and dessert.
7. Tip over 20 percent, get complimentary frisking by waitress.
6. Monday night is Ladies Night, and by ladies we man "guys too sissy to carry loaded weapons."
5. All waiters named "Smith" or "Wesson."
4. Eric Clapton guitar they stole at gunpoint from Hard Rock Cafe.
3. Movie memorabilia from such stars as Charlton Heston...and Charlton Heston.
2. If cook screws up your order, put a cap in his ass!
1. Bar sells both kinds of Colt .45.
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Disbarred In Arkansas - May 23, 2000
10. Citing the wrong episode of "Matlock" as legal precedent
9. Neglecting to remove hay from mouth before addressing judge
8. Lying under oath without crossing your fingers
7. Filing motion for "yee" without motion for an accompanying "haw"
6. Getting involved in crooked land deal, not letting your friends join in
5. Taking too long with closing statement, forgetting courthouse turns into pool hall at 5
4. Placing 3 X's on jug of moonshine when it's only strong enough for 2
3. Letting possum out of your briefcase while court's in session
2. Forgetting to tip the state trooper who brings you a hooker
1. Too much fancy book-learnin'
Top Ten Ted Turner Pickup Lines - May 24, 2000
10. "One more drink and I'll be ready for a merger."
9. "Wanna go back to my place and make some 'Turner Classic Movies' of our own?"
8. "You'll soon grow to love me as much as I do."
7. "How tall am I? I'm 5'9"; 6'7" when I stand on my wallet."
6. "I'm going to assign Bernard Shaw to do a story on how great your ass is."
5. "Baby, I wouldn't get tired of you for at least a year."
4. "Just think, marry me and you'll have the same name as dozens of lousy cable stations."
3. "I'm a captain of industry by day, and Captain Makeout by night."
2. "How'd you like to go to third base on Turner Field?"
1. "Who wants to be a billionaire?"
Top Ten Signs Your Weatherman Is On Drugs - May 25, 2000
10. Assures viewers heavy downpour of spiders should end by midday
9. During weather report, finishes three cans of Pringles
8. Begins segment with "A big shout-out to my main dude, Sam the Snowman"
7. How else do you explain seeing a Doppler 4000 in local pawn shop?
6. Segues to sports guy by saying, "Now here's the narc"
5. Between "Thun-" and "-der", a 3-minute pause while he stares into camera
4. Stands next to map of U.S., screams, "Fear me, I'm a giant!"
3. Says, "There are record highs in this area"; points to head
2. When he says, "Expect 2 to 3 inches of snow," it ain't no ski report
1. So stoned he doesn't know difference between nimbostratus clouds and stratocumulus clouds
Top Ten Signs You've Rented A Bad Summer House - May 26, 2000
10. It's a time-share, and you only have it between 3am and 6am every day.
9. First floor is accessible only during low tide.
8. "Key" you receive in the mail looks suspiciously like a large crowbar.
7. It's 3 miles underground and the government gets to test new medicine on you.
6. Previous owner died a year ago -- but he's still in the kitchen.
5. In rental agreement, word "bathroom" always in quotation marks.
4. Instead of "summer house," more accurate to call it "tent in an Arby's parking lot."
3. Lease states that the landlord gets to bathe you.
2. Your roommates: thirty foreign guys in the basement sewing t-shirts.
1. It's not available until the second week in November.
Top Ten Signs A Guest At Your Memorial Day Barbecue Is A Spy - June 02, 2000
10. He introduces himself as "00-Larry."
9. Keeps whispering into the potato salad.
8. Embarrassing slip up -- refers to A-1 Sauce as "The B-1 Bomber."
7. Seems oddly knowledgeable about who wants a burger and who wants a hot dog.
6. Kid who beats him in sack race sent to Siberian prison.
5. Asks if the hibachi has a gyroscopic laser guidance system.
4. Wears an apron which reads, "Kiss the spy."
3. You ask him how he likes his burger -- he bites down on a cyanide tablet.
2. After a couple drinks starts telling you nuclear launch codes.
1. He seems awfully interested in the Titan missiles you keep in the shed.
Top Ten Al Gore Tenant Pet Peeves - June 05, 2000
10. Your request to fix leaky faucet has been sitting in congressional subcommittee for eleven years.
9. Tipper's Black Sabbath tribute band constantly rehearsing.
8. Insists security deposit be paid "in hugs."
7. You put Bush sticker on car, mysteriously electricity stops working.
6. Rent's a day late, Janet Reno orders break-in to take checkbook.
5. Endless stories about how he invented the mailbox.
4. Once a week you gotta clear out to make room for Bubba and some stewardesses.
3. Tipper showing up in negligee saying, "There are other ways to pay the rent."
2. Al showing up in negligee saying, "There are other ways to pay the rent."
1. House is always getting egged by George W. Bush.
Top Ten Cool Things About Being The World's Oldest Man - June 06, 2000
10. You wouldn't believe how chicks flock when they hear you knew Wilbur Wright
9. Low on denture cleaner -- call grandchildren and borrow theirs
8. You're closing in on Denny's deal: "Guys over 150 eat free"
7. At this point, smoke all you damn well please
6. Look on someone's face when you tell them your Social Security number is "8"
5. Weekly bridge games with world's tallest man and the guy with the ridiculously long fingernails
4. You're only human who can remember when Cubs didn't suck
3. Every year, get to host ABC's "New Year's Rockin' Eve"
2. Can call world's second oldest man, pretend you're dying, yell, "psych"
1. At high school reunion, you get the entire buffet to yourself
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Off The Survivor Island - June 07, 2000
10. Shrieking, "This was a mistake, we're all gonna die here!" an hour into day one.
9. Wasting entire first week building "the awesomest tiki bar ever."
8. Touching someone else's coconuts.
7. Your weight: 300 pounds. Favorite hobby: naked aerobics.
6. Telling women that if food runs low, they can eat you.
5. Skipping your turn to scrub down the old guy.
4. Mentioning the "island" is actually large indoor set at Universal Studios.
3. Being a loudmouth redneck moron (sorry, that'll get you kicked off the Atlanta Braves).
2. Ocean always seems to be a little warmer right next to you.
1. Eating more than your fair share of rat.
Top Ten Ways To Anger Bill Gates - June 08, 2000
10. Infect his computerized house with virus that makes garage door open and close constantly
9. When the Domino's pizza guy doesn't have change for a billion
8. Remind him ankle-length pants on women are fashionable, on men just dorky
7. Pretend to be bank manager -- say he's down to measly gazillion dollars
6. Change his America Online greeting to "You got screwed"
5. Publish photos of him in high school back when he was a geek
4. Phone him during "Dawson's Creek"
3. Point out he and Janet Reno are looking more and more alike
2. Kid him about being married for nine years and never getting to first base
1. Accuse him of being both micro and soft
Top Ten David Letterman Tips For Being A Good Juror - June 12, 2000
10. Why let judge have all the fun? Bring your own gavel.
9. Not enough evidence? Remember: heads -- innocent, tails -- guilty
8. After every statement mumble, "Yeah, right"
7. Wait for quiet moment, then loudly make sound of electric chair
6. If sequestered, exercise your constitutional rights and demand a hooker
5. When lawyer gives final summation, lean forward and give him gentle, supportive kiss
4. Be considerate: during trial, play Gameboy with the sound off
3. Sit in second row; no one can tell if you're wearing pants
2. Ask attractive stenographer if she wants to do a little "jury tampering"
1. Remember: everyone's guilty
Top Ten Signs Regis Is Getting Nervous - June 14, 2000
10. New clothing line features sweat stains under each sleeve
9. Yells at slow contestants, "Hurry up, Einstein, people are reaching for their clickers"
8. During commercial breaks, desperately checking "Help Wanted" ads
7. Every time hears word "Survivor" snaps weeping into fetal position
6. He and Kathie Lee almost never have sex now
5. All cooking demonstrations involve rat meat
4. On morning show, swills gin like it's ginger ale
3. Instead of "Final answer?" now asks contestants, "Seriously, do you think they're gonna cancel us?"
2. To pass $1,000 mark, players must eat handful of grubs
1. Believe it or not, he's been kind of jittery lately
Top Ten Signs Your Kids Hate You - June 16, 2000
10. Each year, they give a "World's Greatest Dad" mug to the mailman
9. Their Father's Day gift: for one day, they don't call you "lardass"
8. They keep leaving phone numbers of divorce lawyers in Mom's purse
7. When they need batteries, they always seem to take ones from the smoke detector over your bed
6. Instead of watching daddy's late night talk show, they watch that hump Jay Leno
5. Your oldest boy has bumper sticker: "I'd rather be at my father's funeral"
4. Always asking their mother, "He's really the best you could do?"
3. When other kids say, "My dad can beat up your dad," they reply, "How much would that cost?"
2. They hold a tribal council, vote you out of the family
1. Their three goldfish are named "We," "Hate" and "Dad"
Top Ten Signs The Guy Sitting Next To You Has Air Rage - June 19, 2000
10. When flight attendant asks him to fasten seatbelt, he does it -- around her neck.
9. Threatens to use your kidneys as a flotation device.
8. It's an hour into flight and he's already eaten twelve in-flight magazines.
7. Uses P.A. system to read list of passengers he hates.
6. Only thing he makes sure is in upright position is middle finger.
5. Tells flight attendant, "I'm fine, but the satanic urges inside me would love a diet cola."
4. Remarks people on ground look like insects and you haven't taken off yet.
3. His name: Bob Knight. His only carry-on item: a metal folding chair.
2. Unbuckles pants in cabin, yells, "Prepare for a water landiing!"
1. Tries to store his carry-on luggage in you.
Top Ten Indiana Pacer Excuses - June 20, 2000
10. Shaq rudely kept hands in our face whenever we wanted to shoot ball
9. Bad idea for whole team to stay at Hef's mansion
8. Pretty sure everyone had agreed on best out of 11
7. Luggage mix-up forced us to play final game in street shoes
6. Dazzling courtside beauty of Dyan Cannon was distracting enough, but her play in Game 6 was unstoppable
5. Some guy in front row wouldn't stop doing really lame Jack Nicholson impression
4. Too concerned about China's failure to agree to a summit with Taiwan
3. Overwhelmed they were actually in city where "The Beverly Hillbillies" took place
2. Unlike Knicks series, no old guys to push around
1. Hey -- you try beating the Los Angeles Lakers, Chester
Top Ten Questions On The Los Alamos Security Application - June 21, 2000
10. "Do you have any previous experience sitting around doing nothing?"
9. "How many hard drives per minute can you lose?"
8. "Could you personally make our security program suck even more?"
7. "Do you believe in the 'Computer Disk Fairy'? That's our excuse when things disappear"
6. "If something is stolen, do you promise to file report within 38 months?"
5. "Tell us about your work with the group 'Overthrow America'!"
4. "Which word better describes you: 'bumbling' or 'incompetent'?"
3. "Will you keep all secrets to yourself that is unless someone offers you a boatload of cash?"
2. "Can you tell me the difference between your ass and a hole in the ground?"
1. "You haven't seen an encrypted Mirv warhead schematic lying around, have you?"
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Lifeguard - June 23, 2000
10. "I was shocked how easy it is to get counterfeit Red Cross certification"
9. "I probably should've waited until I was off-duty to get stinkin' drunk"
8. "Hey you -- put a shirt on, I just ate lunch!"
7. "I gotta run and get some stamps -- nobody drown while I'm gone"
6. "If the water's a little warmer around there, it's my fault"
5. "Yeah I'm David Hasselhoff -- life's been tough since they cancelled 'Baywatch'"
4. "All right, everybody out! Time for daddy's bubble bath!"
3. "You better be careful, pal -- there's no way I'm giving you mouth-to-mouth"
2. "If I find out you've eaten in the last half hour, so help me god I'll kill you"
Top Ten Ways Gas Stations Are Trying To Keep Customers Happy - June 26, 2000
10. Buy 10 gallons, get 11th gallon for only $8.50!
9. Rest room keys now on even bigger cumbersome sticks!
8. Finally admitting "Ultra" is exact same crap as "Regular"
7. Want to smoke by the pumps? Go nuts
6. Allow customers to pay for tank of gas in just 19 easy payments
5. Kids can jump around in the pit full of old spark plugs
4. Doesn't paying $40 for gas make you feel sort of like Bill Gates?
3. Texaco features gas pumped by one of the dorks kicked off "Survivor" island
2. Many attendants learning to say, "Thank you, dumbass" in Arabic
1. On request, they'll squeegee you
Top Ten Signs The Supreme Court Needs A Vacation - June 27, 2000
10. Most of their rulings taken word-for-word from that day's "Judge Judy."
9. Court's last opinion was written on back of Club Med brochure.
8. Justices frequently announce, "My verdict is tails...I mean, guilty."
7. Overwhelmingly repealed the "one person per robe" rule.
6. Rehnquist has been "pounding the gavel" four, maybe five times a day.
5. Most days court consists of three justices and six magic 8 balls.
4. Just held tribal council and voted out Justice Anthony Kennedy.
3. Last couple of cases each day are decided by the cleaning crew.
2. Only thing they're arguing lately is margaritas vs. daiquiris.
1. Oath witnesses must take: "Do you swear blah blah blah?"
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear at Your Family Barbecue - June 30, 2000
10. "I got the idea for this recipe from watching 'Survivor'"
9. "Which do you want first, kids, ice cream or the name of your real father?"
8. "I made the potato salad three weeks ago, so it's naturally red, white and blue"
7. "Somebody keep the cops busy while dad buries the knife"
6. "It's me, Aunt Susan -- you remember me from last year as Uncle Jeff"
5. "And now cousin Dave will show us slides of his quintuple bypass"
4. "If you don't wash your hands, it gives the burgers more flavor"
3. "By the way, your wife is an excellent kisser"
2. "Pick up your pants, grandpa -- that's not how you put out a barbecue"
1. "Dude, that firecracker really did a number on your eye"
Top Ten Signs Your Bus Driver Needs A Break - July 03, 2000
10. Every time he crosses a state line he removes another article of clothing
9. Tries to take leak out window -- too tired to open window
8. Constantly complaining about feel of cold vinyl seat on his naked body
7. Looks in rearview mirros, yells, "How did all you people get in my car?!"
6. Drives into lake saying, "Bussy wants to swim!"
5. Distributes a schedule outlining when each passenger gets to sit on his lap
4. Even with milk and sugar in it, fact remains he's still drinking diesel
3. Misremembers "Speed" -- convinced bus will explode if it goes over 4 mph
2. Keeps asking if you want to join "7 Feet Off The Ground" club
1. Bumper sticker on back asks, "How's my maniacal ranting?"
Top Ten Punchlines To Founding Father Dirty Jokes - July 04, 2000
10. "Give me liberty, or give me Beth"
9. "Damn, I guess all men aren't created equal"
8. "I thought he said, 'Don't fire until you see the whites of her thighs'"
7. "That ain't no musket, but keep looking for the trigger"
6. "If I dress like an Indian, can I dump my tea in your harbor?"
5. "Boston Tea Party? More like Boston T-and-A Party"
4. "One if by land, two if by sea, three if her friend's open-minded"
3. "I thought it was your dentures that were made out of wood, Mr. Washington"
2. "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
1. "I just colonized Virginia"
Top Ten Highlights If This Guy's Life Were Broadcast - July 05, 2000
10. That time he almost talked to the pretty girl on the subway
9. Watching him buy that shirt -- bragging, "Only cost me three dollars"
8. When he belched all the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner"
7. Asked to leave grandmother's funeral for belching "The Star-Spangled Banner"
6. "Will they or won't they" sexual tension between him and her
5. Once a day hearing phrase, "Table for one, sir?"
4. Bitter, drawn-out litigation against me, Dave, for doing Top Ten List about him
3. The attractive layouts he devises for his N'Sync scrapbook
2. Smooth pickup lines no inflatable woman can resist
1. Not enough highlights of this guy's life to fill entire Top Ten List
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Having A Bad Time At Summer Camp - July 07, 2000
10. Letters home signed "Prisoner #325"
9. Sounds disappointed when he mentions almost being bitten by a deadly snake
8. He's been roasting Prozac over the campfire
7. When you visit, proudly shows off tunnel he's digging under cabin
6. Camp director phones and says, "We're concerned about Psycho, I mean your son"
5. "Craft time" is 14 hours of making counterfeit Nikes
4. His name: "Jimmy"; his nickname: "Jimmy, the kid who makes the funniest noise when punched in the stomach"
3. Makes flashlight hand shadows using only middle finger
2. You ask to see picture of his friends -- he sends photo of a stick
1. He's lost 150 pounds, and he's not at fat camp
Top Ten Signs You're A Lame Superhero - July 17, 2000
10. Costumes consists of thermal underwear and a Mets cap
9. By day you're a mild-mannered Radio Shack employee. By night you're a mild-mannered Radio Shack employee at home watching TV
8. Only super power: Doing a Charles Nelson Reilly impression
7. Two weaknesses: Kryptonite and Sara Lee's lemon bundt cake
6. You're called "The Flash" because of what you do to people
5. Archnemesis -- guy in upstairs apartment who plays music too loud
4. Can only fight crime until 10:00pm, then mom wants you home
3. Your catchphrase: "Please don't hurt me"
2. Mayor summons you by projecting "Fat-ass" in the sky
1. Your superhero name: Carl
Top Ten Rat Complaints About New York City - July 19, 2000
10. You live in Ranch One kitchen for three years, employees pretend they don't know you
9. Three-foot diameter bag of garbage now renting for five grand a month
8. The past ten years, only two rats elected to city council
7. During cooler winter months, lack of stench becomes unbearable
6. Only local rat role model is Donald Trump
5. Living in Ed Sullivan Theater and The Late Show's not very good anymore
4. City should leave us alone, start cracking down on fat guys in tank tops
3. Musical "CATS" glosses over their homicidal brutality
2. Hard to look cool on date when some kid shoots you in the ass with a pellet gun
1. It's just not the cesspool it used to be
Top Ten Ways To Make The Tour de France More Exciting - July 20, 2000
10. Let spectators vote to "banish" competitor with sissiest shorts
9. Only one bicycle: fight over who gets to ride it
8. Place last in Stage 12, must ride Stage 13 without bicycle seat
7. Day 3 -- release the dobermans!
6. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Jack and Coke
5. No finish line -- winner is last guy to collapse from exhaustion
4. Move it to that Navy bombing range in Puerto Rico
3. Make 'em take enough steroids to ride 500 miles an hour
2. Here's all you need to make it exciting: Anna Kournikova
1. Make it the Tour de South Bronx
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Amusement Park - July 21, 2000
10. Guy selling cotton candy is wearing a rubber biohazard suit
9. Hard to hear anything over constant ambulance sirens
8. Sign on Hall of Mirrors reads "Objects are exactly as they appear"
7. "Free Fall" ride is just some guy pushing people in a ditch
6. Stuffed animals at carnival booths look suspiciously like roadkill
5. All six flags have picture of Chairman Mao
4. Theme of the park is "Impending Bankruptcy"
3. You ask where the men's room is, employee points to the funhouse
2. Guess-your-weight guy insists you sit on his lap
1. If you win a goldfish, you have to take it home in your mouth
Top Ten Shocking Facts About Dick Cheney - July 24, 2000
10. To make himself more appealing to Bush, executed 47 people in Wyoming
9. Once dressed up as a bellhop to meet 'N Sync
8. Recently caught scribbling "George + Cheney" during strategy meeting
7. Accused of conflict of interest after voting in favor of tax cut for bald guys
6. For brief 6-month period in 1974, known as Rita Cheney
5. As Secretary of Defense, approved "Arms For Gyros" deal with Greece
4. He's fat
3. Told Bush only place he plans on campaigning is "Margaritaville"
2. Spends 17 hours a day at "Big Brother" website looking at exotic dancer
1. Picks up chicks by claiming to be Alan Greenspan
Top Ten Agreements Reached at Camp David - July 26, 2000
10. One thing worse than sitting through 15 days of negotiations is 15 minutes of "Big Brother"
9. Palestine gets Gaza Strip, Israel gets Gaza strippers
8. When you're drunk, it's much harder to say "Ehud Barak" than "Yasser Arafat"
7. If George W. Bush becomes president, we're all screwed
6. At future summit meetings, Madeleine Albright stops wearing see-through blouses
5. They all "totally have to keep in touch next year"
4. No blondes
3. Nothing better than wrapping up long day of negotiations with round of "Pictionary"
2. The Israeli and Palestinian governments really, really, really have to set up intern programs
1. Those girls on "Sex and the City" are right -- men are d-o-g-s dogs.
Top Ten Things Kathie Lee Will Do With Her Free Time - July 27, 2000
10. Sell on e-Bay all the crap I've stolen from the show
9. Wait around for Letterman's heart to explode again
8. Let's just say a lot of people will be surprised when Gore announces his running mate
7. When new co-host discusses her two adorable children scream, "Who the hell cares?!"
6. Six words: New York Senator Kathie Lee Gifford
5. See how fat I can get on nothing but Fritos and Schlitz
4. Produce a heart-warming family Christmas special every week of the year
3. Think of something else to say instead of, "I have to wake up early" when Letterman asks if I watch his show
2. Show Frank the kind of love he hasn't seen in 75 years
1. Can I crash here for a while?
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Beach - July 28, 2000
10. Everyone's competing for the same few feet of space among the rotting whale carcasses
9. Guy with metal detector keeps finding 55-gallon drums of medical waste
8. It's exactly like the first half hour of "Saving Private Ryan"
7. Raftful of Cubans land, look around, paddle back out to sea
6. David Hasselhoff gives you mouth-to-mouth and you're not drowning
5. Sign for restrooms points to ocean
4. It's called "Stinky Beach"
3. Your kids give up on seashells -- start collecting used Band-Aids
2. Beach is full of guys like that naked fat guy on Survivor
1. It's bring-your-own-sand
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The Survivor Winner - July 31, 2000
10. Instead of buying regular grubs, always splurges for the extra-fancy grubs
9. You see him at local florist ordering fifteen "Sorry, loser" bouquets
8. Recently voted his wife out of house in favor of high-priced stripper named "Misty"
7. Been eating so much he's ballooned up to chunky 85 pounds
6. Darva Conger's on his front lawn in a wedding gown
5. Was "the annoying guy who eats rats" -- now "the annoying rich guy who eats rats"
4. Ed McMahon shows up with check, he says, "Great! Another million!"
3. Just underwent expensive surgery to remove memories of seeing Richard naked
2. You catch him forming an alliance with your wife in his new jacuzzi
1. He answers the phone, "Hello, 'Survivor' winner residence"
Top Ten Announcements That Would Cause A Panic At The Republican National Convention - August 02, 2000
10. "Stop by the concession area and pick up Barbara Bush's swimsuit calendar"
9. "At the conclusion of his speech, George W. Bush will execute some lucky delegate"
8. "Run for your lives! Dick Cheney's heart's gonna 'splode!"
7. "Because of the convention, 'Becker' will not be seen tonight"
6. "Please welcome a completely naked Jesse Helms"
5. "And now to sing our national anthem, David Letterman"
4. "Former President Bush, your son's head is stuck in the podium again"
3. "Richard Nixon is out in the parking lot and he's pissed"
2. "In anyone finds an appointment book filled with names of prominent Republicans, please return it to the hooker in the lobby"
1. "The caterer forgot the scotch"
Top Ten Signs You've Nominated A Dumb Guy - August 04, 2000
10. Gets sidetracked during speeches because microphones look like delicious ice cream cones
9. Deep wrinkles in brow from countless times he's said, "Huh?"
8. Frequently misspells "GOP"
7. Ends speech by dramatically setting fire to the Constitution
6. Brags that he combines morality of Clinton with charisma of Gore
5. Voted to kick exotic dancer out of the "Big Brother" house
4. Claims to be inspired by great presidents such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Richard Dawson
3. Only does interviews for wrestling magazines
2. Vows that come November, "The hookers are gonna be calling me 'Mr. President'"
1. Promises to put a man on the moon by 2005
Top Ten Invisible Guy Pickup Lines - August 08, 2000
10. "Ever wanted to do it with a laboratory experiment gone awry?"
9. "Do you mean it when you say, 'Looks don't matter'?"
8. "What's a nice girl like you doing here in the Victoria's Secret dressing room?"
7. "Why don't we go somewhere private, because everyone at this bar thinks you're talking to your gimlet"
6. "That's not my hand but don't stop shaking"
5. "You may as well go out with me -- I'm just going to follow you home undetected anyway"
4. "Here's an invisible necklace -- trust me, it's really expensive"
3. "I can pretty much guarantee the kid will look like you"
2. "We haven't met, but I watch you shower every day at the gym"
1. "Would you like to have dinner with me and watch and my food digest?"
Top Ten Ways To Make Big Brother More Exciting - August 09, 2000
10. For every exotic dancer voted out, two must move in
9. Seal off all exits; flood house with a foot of water every hour
8. Give each person a bottle of gin and some ninja throwing stars
7. Two words: Dick Cheney
6. Have them share public's suffering by forcing them to watch "Big Brother"
5. Every two weeks, somebody has to marry Darva Conger
4. Instead of a house, make it an island -- call the show "Survivor"
3. Remove all food from house -- make them vote on whom to eat next
2. 10 strangers, 3 months, 1 house, 6 West Nile mosquitoes
1. Get something to happen. Anything.
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent - August 11, 2000
10. You notice flight to "Paris" was awfully quick and all the cars have "Minnesota" license plates
9. He suggests you fly out of Newark because "their drug-sniffing dogs aren't as good"
8. He keeps saying, "This trip will be good for our relationship"
7. You're sharing a beach bungalow with that naked guy from "Survivor"
6. Claims "Austria" just an alternative spelling of "Australia"
5. His name is Ned. He suggests you visit Club Med
4. You have to be in Nebraska for a wedding and the idiot books you on United
3. You want to go to China -- he hands you a shovel, says, "Go nuts"
2. Claims he can join you in the mile-high club right there on his desk
1. You have a 23-year layover at O'Hare
Top Ten Tiger Woods Pet Peeves - August 21, 2000
10. PGA's pointless insistence I complete all 18 holes before they fork over cash
9. Have to hire three maids for the trophy-polishing alone
8. Only "groupies" are doughy 60-year-old men
7. Always feel like a dork standing in bank line with 6-foot check
6. You show a woman your long iron and she says, "Nice putter"
5. Satan calls at all hours of the night to remind you of the agreement
4. When buying personalized license plate at Disneyland, closest you can get is "Timmy"
3. You play the best game of your life and it's on CBS
2. At press conference, not allowed to admit, "I kicked everyone's ass because I'm much, much better than they are"
1. How would you like to spend all weekend watching golf?
Top Ten Things I Learned On The Survivor Island - August 23, 2000
10. Jenna: "Leftover swimwear from the island can get you a grand on E-Bay"
9. B.B.: "After being in tropical sun for a few days, chicks begin thinking you're Brad Pitt"
8. Susan: "Any time you feel like a couple of nights back in civilization, just fake scurvy"
7. Ramona, Sean, Stacey, Dirk, Sonja, Gretchen and Joel: "Grubs is tasty!"
6. Kelly: "If the host asks you to participate in a reward challenge, make sure it's for the show"
5. Greg: "Best thing about a deserted island -- no Letterman"
4. Colleen: "Now I know where I'm going if George W. Bush gets elected President"
3. Gervase: "If you prepare rat meat by carefully cleaning, seasoning and cooking it, it's still pretty bad"
2. Rudy: "Months later I still got sand in places I wish I didn't"
1. Richard: "The human body is a beautiful thing"
Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded - August 25, 2000
10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends warning -- he's not skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids to play all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully
1. The kids actually outnumber the rats
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning The U.S. Open - August 29, 2000
10. Ball boy has dropped 17 pounds from chasing everything you've hit into net
9. Your coach keep yelling, "Hold the racket by the other end!"
8. Nobody can talk you out of wearing your lucky scuba gear
7. U.S.T.A. ranks you just below Andy Rooney
6. You look like Anna Kournikova -- unfortunately, you're a guy
5. Training regimen consists entirely of video "Pong"
4. Your serve was once clocked at 6 miles per hour
3. Your only endorsement deal: Healthco Aluminum Walkers
2. Instead of "in" or "out" line judges keep yelling "Fat ass!"
1. You won the 1906 U.S. Open
Top Ten Signs The New York Times Is Slipping - August 30, 2000
10. Instead of "All The News That's Fit To Print," slogan is "Stuff We Heard From A Guy Who Says His Friend Heard About It"
9. President does something on the TV show "West Wing," next day it's on front page
8. It's 108 pages, and there's not one single vowel
7. For every story, accompanying photo is Tony Danza
6. Obituary has become list of people editors wish would die
5. Dick Cheney consistently referred to as "the dude from those Wendy's commercials"
4. Notice on sports page: "All scores are approximate"
3. Only ad in job classifieds: "Wanted -- someone who knows how to put together a damn newspaper"
2. For last two weeks, edited by a disoriented Anne Heche
1. They're endorsing George W. Bush
Top Ten Worst Jobs - August 31, 2000
10. Texas electric-chair tester
9. Hooker in Amish country
8. Anne Heche's pharmacist
7. Male cheerleader for Rikers Island basketball team
6. "Survivor" cast member agents about two weeks from now
5. U.S. Open usher -- Crazy, over-aggresive father section
4. Sunblock boy, senior citizens' nude beach
3. Personal assistant to Siegfried/Personal assistant to Roy (tie)
2. Public relations spokesperson, Firestone Tires
1. David Letterman's barber
Top Ten Signs You've Had A Lame Summer - September 04, 2000
10. Instead of sunburn, you have large red mark where you accidentally leaned against stove
9. Your only summer fling was kissing grandma during visit
8. That "Alan Keyes in 2000" tattoo
7. Only fireworks you saw were when your Firestone tires blew up on the highway
6. You just woke up with a vicious hangover and a "Happy New Year" hat
5. Your big summer trip -- when the guards let you out of solitary for a smoke
4. Went on a trip to West Nile and caught the New York virus
3. Only time you saw sunshine was when "Survivor" was on
2. Your phone number is one digit off from the Firestone recall hotline
1. You're a pro golfer and your name ain't "Tiger"
Top Ten Things Going Through George W. Bush's Mind At This Moment - September 05, 2000
10. "Oh well, I'll just get daddy to fix it somehow"
9. "I picked a guy who says 'big time' to be my Vice President?"
8. "I'll bet Gore and Lieberstein are going to have a field day with this one"
7. "That's what I get for partying till 3 AM"
6. "I sure hope this doesn't cost me the major-league ass**** vote"
5. "Cheney bald... head look like melon... melon yummy"
3. "When I left this morning, did I remember to turn off the electric chair?"
2. "Oh s***, I said 'ass***'... oh s***, I said 's***'"
1. "Actually, he's minor league compared to Letterman"
Top Ten Good Things About Dating The President's Daughter - September 06, 2000
10. When President says, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," you can pretty much go nuts
9. Biweekly Gallup poll tells you how you're doing as a boyfriend
8. Can relive date by watching surveillance tapes of two of you making out
7. Any professor who fails you is looking at one mother of an IRS audit
6. Someone says, "My dad can beat up you dad," you respond, "My girlfriend's dad can send your dad's ass to Bosnia"
5. Every Christmas you get newest model stovepipe hat (President Lincoln's daughter only)
4. You're one call away from having your term paper on Castro written by Castro
3. Can watch news to see if she really was "home with mom and dad" that night
2. Get to hear first hand which reporters are major-league ass*****
1. Surprise her with flowers, next morning your face is on Mt. Rushmore
Top Ten Signs The U.N. Doesn't Take Your Country Seriously - September 07, 2000
10. Cafeteria tablecloth looks suspiciously like your country's flag
9. Your country's sole U.N. responsibility is putting up streamers for the holiday dance
8. You're officially introduced as "What's-his-face from the hell hole"
7. You have to share a room with Saddam Hussein
6. Your wife has to share a room with President Clinton
5. At the big summit conference, Castro keeps asking you to get him a decaf latte
4. You're informed that your country was won by Sweden in a late-night poker game
3. As a salute to democracy, you donate your country's constitution; ten minutes later you see it in the free box
2. Under his breath, Kofi Annan calls you a "major-league asshole"
1. You receive invitation to the big September summit in October
Top Ten Questions on the Indiana University Basketball Coach Application September 11, 2000
10. "Do you feel you have a proper disrespect for authority?"
9. "In what anger-management class do you see yourself in five years?"
8. "You're not one of those guys who pats everyone on the ass, are you?"
7. "Have you ever been prescribed drugs that are used to sedate horses?"
6. "Fill in the blanks: I'm going to break your ____ing neck, you mother____"
5. "Are you actually Bob Knight in a fake mustache trying to get your job back?"
4. "Do you have what it takes to lead Indiana to a 2nd-round NCAA tournament loss?"
3. "Not your area, but what's the deal with that lame 'Big Brother' show?"
2. "Which scenario results in getting fired: A) threatening a basketball player or B) having sex with a hefty intern?"
1. "Why them balls so bouncy?"
Top Ten Rejected Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogans - September 14, 2000
10. "Vote For Me Or I'll Come To Your Home And Explain My 191-Page Economic Plan To You In Excruciating Detail"
9. "Remember, America: I Gave You The Internet, And I Can Take It Away. Think About It"
8. "Your Vote Automatically Enters You In Drawing For The 123 Billion-Dollar Budget Surplus"
7. "With Lieberman On The Ticket, You Get All Kinds Of Fun New Days Off"
6. "We Know When The Microphone Is On"
5. "Vote For Me, And I Will Take Whatever Steps Necessary To Outlaw The Term, 'Whazzzup!'"
4. "Gore/Lieberman -- You Don't Have To Worry About Pork Barrel Politics"
3. "You'll Thank Us In Four Years When The Escalator To The Moon Is Finished"
2. "If I Can Handle Letterman, I Can Handle Saddam Hussein"
1. "I'll Be Twice As Cool As That President Guy On 'The West Wing'"
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate - September 15, 2000
10. "I'm studying viruses... Wanna see my West Nile mosquitoes?"
9. "Hope you like toothless drifters..."
8. "Good news! Everything we do will be broadcast live on the Internet"
7. "Sorry this plastic bubble I live in takes up so much space"
6. "Do you want to be on the top or the bottom, and I know we don't have bunkbeds"
5. "How much do you know about the fine products made by the Amway corporation?"
4. "Me no like roommate... Me wait til roommate sleeps, then no more roommate"
3. "We can conserve water if we shower together"
2. "Can my dad crash with us after Gore kicks his ass in November?"
1. "Anne Heche is wandering around your bedroom"
Top Ten Signs An Olympic Athlete is Using Steroids - September 27, 2000
10. Sets new world record for throwing an I.O.C. drug tester
9. During anger-fueled 'roid rage, Al Trautwig knocked cold with pommel horse
8. After losing 100-meter dash, turns green, bursts out of clothing and screams "Hulk mad"
7. At press conference, tearfully thanks mom, dad, wife and dealer
6. His medal count: 6 gold, 4 silver, 3 bronze, and the Guinness award for "World's Biggest Freak"
5. Last discus throw broke a window on the MIR space station
4. Left biceps is being considered as site of the 2008 Olympics
3. Future plans -- run for Governor of Minnesota
2. His "personal trainer": Robert Downey, Jr.
1. He begins triple jump in Sydney and lands in Perth
Top Ten Australian Pickup Lines - September 29, 2000
10. "Wanna play Hide The Koala?"
9. "I put the 'laid' in 'Adelaide'"
8. "I'd like to take a safari in your outback"
7. "I'd love to didgeridoo you"
6. "G'd'ass, mate"
5. "I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout"
4. "Nice wiener schnitzel"
(Sorry, that's an Austrian pickup line)
3. "Hey Matilda, how about some horizontal waltzing?"
2. "Let me show you why Australia started out as a penal colony"
1. "Me shrimp, you barbie"
Top Ten Ways To Make The Gore/Bush Debate More Exciting - October 03, 2000
10. Replace pitchers of water with pitchers of gin
9. Extra points awarded to candidate who gets in best "your mama is so fat..." joke
8. Large screen behind candidates shows baseball playoff game in progress
7. Two candidates, one suit
6. When George W. Bush mispronounces a word, a Texas prisoner gives him an electric shock
5. The loser spends a week in boot camp for troubled teens
4. Candidate's answer must match what Charles Nelson Reilly wrote on his card
3. Give 'em a pair of nunchakus and let them settle it like men
2. "Name the world leaders" is good, but strip "Name the world leaders" -- even better
1. Are you kidding -- it couldn't be more exciting
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of The Country Music Awards - October 04, 2000
10. Wearing a belt buckle smaller than a toaster
9. Failing to use word "dagnabbit" in acceptance speech
8. Saying words "And now a song written by David Letterman"
7. Not knowing when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away or when to run
6. Getting caught with your Travis in someone's Tritt
5. Converting to metric, referring to your ten-gallon hat as 37.9 liters
3. Repeatedly pronouncing "honky-tonk" as "donkey kong"
2. Taking a "grand ole leak" in the punch bowl
1. Misspelling CMA
Top Ten Cool Things About Winning A Gold Medal - October 06, 2000
10. Makes you most impressive person at any party, unless Marion Jones shows up
9. When customs asks you if you have anything to declare, you can say, "Nothing--well if you don't count this genuine Olympic gold medal"
8. According to law, I'm automatically the next Governor of Minnesota
7. You can get, like, 100 bucks for it on eBay
6. In my case, it means you kicked some serious Russian butt
5. The instant marriage proposal from Darva Conger
4. Makes know-it-all brother-in-law's "Most Improved Bowler" trophy look pathetic
3. Fun walking past guys with bronze medals and muttering, "Loser"
2. Finally I have an excuse for why I've been rolling around on the floor with guys for the past 20 years
1. No tie? No problem
Top Ten Columbus Would Say If He Saw America Today - October 09, 2000
10. "There's a Columbus, Ohio? Dude, that rules!"
9. "I finally get here, and you're telling me 'Cats' is closed?!"
8. "It's true -- the Olive Garden does serve the greatest Italian food ever!"
7. "Yeah, I kind of had a feeling that by the year 2000 there'd be a professional wrestling governor"
6. "Wow, this Columbus Day VCR sale at The Wiz really is a 'new world' of savings!"
5. "Next person who calls me Noah gets a cap in their ass"
4. "I know I'm from out of town, but I'd still like to be your senator"
3. "I would've come back sooner, but I wanted to wait until Barbra Streisand retired"
2. "1492 I discovered America, 2001 Bush is gonna drive it into the ground"
1. "What a dump!"
Top Ten Ways Ralph Nader Can Still Win - October 10, 2000
10. Change name to "Al Gore," win on technicality
9. Promise if he wins to spend 5% of nation's budget on massive kegger
8. Two days before the election, pray every other politician in the country gets stuck in a well
7. Amend Constitution so candidate getting fewest votes wins, like golf
6. Promise to use full power of presidency to get Joan and Melissa Rivers to shut the hell up
5. Get endorsement from Pat Buchanan, locking up his vital 0.8% of the vote
4. Promise to capture, prosecute and imprison whoever let the dogs out
3. The same way everyone wins: start lying his ass off
2. Point out that since he's kind of goofy-looking, no chance of sex scandal
1. Focus all his energy on the 2056 election
Top Ten Signs Your Debate Moderator Is Nuts - October 12, 2000
10. Rambling opening statement ends with teary marriage proposal to Carmen Electra
9. Insists candidates may only speak when sitting on his lap
8. When things start to get heated, jumps up and down shouting, "Fight! Fight!"
7. Gives equal time to Bush, Gore and the invisible candidate, Carl
6. Announces next candidate who interrupts him is going to get taken behind woodshed and beaten with a rake
5. After every answer chirps brightly, "Whoopi is correct. Circle gets the square"
4. Debate is in North Carolina, but the moderator is in North Dakota
3. Instead of traditional blue suit, shows up dressed like a third-grader
2. Since he can't keep their names straight, refers to candidates as "Idiot 1" and "Idiot 2"
1. His best follow-up question of the night -- "Is anyone taping 'Felicity'?"
Top Ten Signs New York Has Baseball Fever - October 13, 2000
10. 98% of New Yorkers walking around carrying bats -- up from usual 94%
9. Teams are doing so well Hillary Clinton split on whom to pretend to root for
8. Inscription on Statue of Liberty reads "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and we'll beat them in a best-of-seven series"
7. Sirens on ambulances play "We Will Rock You"
6. Mayor Giuliani using "baseball fever" as excuse to spray city with toxic chemicals
5. More school absence notes mentioning "torn rotator cuff"
4. Crazy guys in subway adding infield chatter to usual rantings
3. New Trump Tower built in the shape of Mike Piazza's well-manicured mustache
2. Hookers offering baseball special: for $100 they'll be the Yanker and you can be the Yankee
1. Upsurge in newborns named "Knoblauch"
Top Ten Election Issues Important To Dumb Guys - October 16, 2000
10. Medicare coverage for swallowing a billiard ball
9. Use part of budget surplus to buy everybody a free hat
8. If you lose your wallet the government should help you find it by using a satellite or laser or something
7. Sure waffles are delicious now...but will they always be?
6. Why don't people on TV wave back at you?
5. We've got to be prepared for an invasion by Canexico
4. Finding the one-armed man to finally clear The Fugitive's good name
3. The next president gets to appoint, like, three new regulars to "The Hollywood Squares"
2. Strengthening military so space monkeys can't blow up White House
1. Candy/soda (tie)
Top Ten Cool Things About Having The World Series In New York - October 18, 2000
10. We're gonna add a Mike Piazza-style mustache to the Statue of Liberty
9. City ordinance says in Subway Series, the mayor bats cleanup
8. Regardless of who wins, it's just great to sit in the stands and watch sweaty guys hug each other
7. Finally New Yorkers have something to help us get over the loss of "CATS"
6. Just think what this is doing to John Rocker
5. It's more proof that New York City is the greatest city on earth!
4. It's easy to get cheap applause by saying crap like that
3. I won't have that uneasy feeling I get when Don Zimmer's out of town
2. It's so exciting, even people who just moved here and are now running for senate can enjoy it
1. More business for the city's illegal knock-off t-shirt factories
Top Ten Changes I'll Make In The White House - October 19, 2000
10. To save taxpayer dollars, calls to winning sports teams will be collect
9. New rule at cabinet meetings -- you can't talk until you ride the mechanical bull
8. Goodbye boring presidential radio address -- hello "Dick Cheney Spins The Hits of the 80's, 90's and Today"
7. Make sure the White House library has lots of books with big print and pictures
6. Just for fun, issue executive order commanding my brother Jeb to wash my car
5. First day in office my mother's face goes up on Mount Rushmore
4. Look into hiring a security guard for our nuclear secrets
3. Will not get sick on Japanese leaders like other President Bushes I know
2. Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing
1. Tax relief for all Americans -- except smart aleck talk show hosts
Top Ten Baseball Movies Playing In Times Square - October 20, 2000
10. "Behind The Green Monster"
9. "Sacrifice My Fly"
8. "Pantsless Joe Jackson"
7. "The Don Zimmer/Pamela Anderson Home Video"
6. "Debbie Does Dallas Green"
5. "Who's In First?"
4. "Abner Double-D"
3. "How Chuck Got His Knob-Locked"
2. "The Story Of The '69 Mets"
1. "A Babe Named 'Ruth'"
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Bottom Of A World Series Pile On - October 26, 2000
10. "Oh my God, we're missing the Bradley-Gore debate!"
9. "Uh guys, it's only the third inning."
8. "Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I want to be your senator."
7. "This reminds me of last night at your sister's house."
6. "I can't move my hands--will somebody scratch me?"
5. "Oh, so that's what Luis Sojo's cleat tastes like."
4. "I'd like to talk to all of you about the benefits of Scientology."
3. "The season's over, so I'll finally have time to treat this mysterious, oozing skin condition."
2. "Mmm, you smell like fresh lilacs."
1. "This is man-tastic!"
Top Ten Signs George W. Bush Is Getting Cocky - October 30, 2000
10. Begins each rally by electrocuting one lucky audience member
9. Sent first warning letter to "Saddam Hussein, President of NASDAQ"
8. At press conference yesterday, deliberately pronounced "possible" as "possima-mossima-bullible"
7. Has started referring to all foreigners as "Chinese"
6. Spent last several days "campaigning" in Acapulco
5. For Halloween, he's dressing up as Al Gore's concession speech
4. He's already predicting that his dumbest son will someday become president
3. His tour schedule now suspiciously coincides with Korn's tour schedule
2. On to-do list: November 7th - "Win election"; November 8th - "Start nailing interns"
1. Now swearing when he knows the microphone is on
Top Ten Signs Your House Is Being Haunted By A Lame Ghost - October 31, 2000
10. When he "levitates" your furniture, you can clearly see the wires
9. Sometimes when you're not looking, he'll balance your checkbook
8. Awakens you in the middle of the night just to see if you want to play Yahtzee
7. Whenever you have someone over, jealously asks, "But you and I are still best friends, right?"
6. Spends all day on couch watching "Oprah", crying his eyes out
5. Doesn't moan, just laughs his ass off when you're naked
4. When he forgets his key, has to wait for you to let him in
3. Tries to convince you he's the ghost of Mickey Rooney, even though Mickey Rooney's still alive
2. Scares you by saying he's gonna vote for Bush
1. Your house is built on an ancient lame-person burial ground
Top Ten Gallup Polltaker Pet Peeves - November 01, 2000
10. When boss says you can't go home till you find a Pat Buchanan voter
9. Response sheet has boxes for "yes" and "no" -- but not "bite me"
8. Every Christmas, the same gift from Gallup: a crappy Radio Shack calculator
7. Looking at pie charts all day makes you really, really hate pie
6. Whenever he slips in the polls, George W. Bush threatens to have you executed
5. The hourly calls from Nader asking, "Am I winning yet?"
4. Knowing after November 7th, only question you'll be asking is, "Regular or unleaded?"
3. Letterman always answers the door naked
2. When wife complains about your "5% margin of error"
1. All them numbers is confusin'
Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission - November 08, 2000
10. "The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them Gore won."
9. "Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my god! Stop the dryer!"
8. "If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?"
7. "Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
6. "120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
5. "This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone"
4. "America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"
3. "Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from 1992"
2. "I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
1. "Heads Bush... Tails Gore"
Top Ten Ways The United States Would Be Different Without A President - November 09, 2000
10. Supreme Court justice selected by being 100th caller to Z-100
9. "Hail to the Chief" only played for winner of Pillsbury Bake-off
8. Instead of going to Iowa and New Hampshire every four years, no one would go to Iowa and New Hampshire ever
7. With no presidential fitness test, kids would be even fatter and lazier
6. White House interns would be reduced to having sex with each other
5. More time on news for banter between anchor and fat weatherman
4. The position of vice president would be even more insignificant
3. Entire country would operate as inefficiently as the state of Florida
2. Only her friends, family and an occasional guy from T.G.I. Friday's would know the name "Monica Lewinsky"
1. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue would be the grandest Blockbuster Video ever
Top Ten Signs Your Anchorman Is Exhausted - November 10, 2000
10. Says, "Good evening, I'm Peter Jennings." Only he ain't Peter Jennings
9. Spent six hours trying to pronounce "Bush"
8. At 2:00am, he loosens his tie.... At 3:00am, he gets rid of pants
7. Draws a face on his right fist and holds heated discussion with "Bobby"
6. Keeps referring to Bush and Gore as "those bastards who won't let me sleep"
5. Number in corner of screen counts how close he is to 270 cups of coffee
4. Anytime someone mentions "Florida," he starts sobbing because his parents never took him to Disney World
3. The Florida election committee has officially declared him "not exhausted"
2. All night long he spews out nonsensical things like Dan Rather did
1. Just past five in the morning, gives his own concession speech
Top Ten Dumb Guys Ways To Solve Presidential Election Confusion - November 13, 2000
10. Find some guy named George W. Gore. Make him President
9. Each can be president of the people who voted for them
8. Thaw out Walt Disney, let him cast the deciding vote
7. I don't care how things get solved; just don't run any special reports during "Becker"
6. Do what they do in other important contests in Florida: swimsuit competition
5. Form Conga line with everyone in Palm Beach (won't solve a thing, but boy are they fun)
4. Whichever news anchor can stay awake the longest gets to pick
3. New rule: You punch 2 holes, voting booth explodes
2. Let my brother Jeb decide
1. Solve it? Are you nuts? This is great!
Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today - November 16, 2000
10. "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"
9. "Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..."
8. "Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines"
7. "That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond"
6. "So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams"
5. "Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square"
4. "We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!"
3. "Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin"
2. "He did what in the Oval Office?"
1. "Screw this, we're going to Canada"
Top Ten Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books - November 17, 2000
10.Horton Demands A Recount
9.No, That's Not A Wocket In My Pocket
8.One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, Still Too Close To Call Fish
7.Thidwick, The Big-Headed Moose Who Was Skinned And Gutted By Poachers
6.Hop On Pop's Coattails, Featuring George W. Bush
5.Green Eggs And Ham And The Seven-Figure Food Poisoning Lawsuit That Followed
4.Arafat In A Tablecloth Hat
3.The Lorax Takes Prozac
2.Oh, The Places Hillary Clinton Has Pretended To Be From
1.How Joseph Lieberman Stole Christmas
Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Depressed - November 20, 2000
10. Hardly gets any pleasure participating in his family's staged football games
9. Now goes to Buddhist temples for illegal donations and spiritual guidance
8. Composed novelty song "Bush's States Are Red, And I'm Feeling Blue"
7. During strategy meetings grabs Warren Christopher, sobs "Hold me"
6. Was recently seen passionately kissing the inventor of Prozac
5. Mr. Environment spends his days tossing rusty car batteries into Potomac River
4. Asks George W. Bush if he can borrow old Sparky for the weekend
3. At recent Joe Lieberman speech on religion shouted, "Okay, you're Jewish! We get it!"
2. Just ask Tipper -- lately, the guy's anything but stiff
1. Won't crack a smile, no matter how many lap dances President Clinton buys him
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy At The Gym - November 24, 2000
10. "You know, usually when I'm on a bike I'm being chased by the cops"
9. "Be honest -- is my ass looking tighter and more shapely?"
8. "Okay, time to practice my grunts"
7. "You know, you can't tell by looking at me, but actually I'm Richard Simmons' bastard son"
6. "You know, I don't work here, but for fifty bucks I could be your 'personal trainer'"
5. "Bow down to me! I am Stair Master!"
4. "Hey, I'm gonna take a shower. You mind spotting me?"
3. "Uh oh, I feel a steroid rage coming on -- steroid rage!"
2. "How long could I keep a dead guy in my locker before somebody gets suspicious?"
1. "Do my abs look like Brad Pitt's yet?"
Top Ten Lessons We've Learned From The 2000 Election - December 11, 2000
10. Haven't heard "oral" on CNN this much since the whole Lewinsky thing
9. Voters prefer guy who lies about drinking to guy who lies about fundraising
8. If you keep saying, "I'm the President," eventually people start to believe you
7. In Florida, it's possible to go directly from cocktail waitress to Secretary of State
6. Gone are the good old days when politicians really knew how to rig an election
5. It's been a lot of trouble for two guys no one really liked in the first place
4. You can win any state if you work hard enough -- and your brother's governor
3. Warren Christopher is one sexy sum-bitch
2. If you want Gore for President, don't check the box for Buchanan
1. We'll be spared all of this in 2004 when Hillary waxes W's ass
Top Ten Headlines We're Likely To See In The Next Four Years - December 13, 2000
10. "49 States Vote Florida Out Of Union"
9. "Supreme Court Justices Given Bitchin' Ferraris By Anonymous Texas Governor"
8. "W. Asked To Veto Bill...Bush Hires Guy Named 'Vito' To Beat Up Clinton"
7. "Cowboy Hat And Tennis Racket Stocks Soar"
6. "President Comes Away Empty-Handed From 'Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'"
5. "In Shortest State Of The Union Ever, President Declares, 'We Rock!'"
4. "Warren Christopher Turns 187"
3. "Dave And Oprah Letterman Honeymoon In Bahamas"
2. "Katherine Harris Returns To Job As Ramada Inn Cocktail Waitress"
1. "CNN, MSNBC, CNBC All Go Out Of Business Admitting 'We Got Nothin''"
Top Ten Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List - December 15, 2000
10. Get fitted for an intern
9. Put favorite holiday decoration on front lawn: Santa in electric chair
8. Goodbye "Hail to the Chief" -- Hello "Messed Up In Mexico Living on Refried Dreams"
7. Tell Madeleine Albright, "Bill don't live here anymore -- stop the 2am calls"
6. Send Al Gore an FTD "Guess The Supreme Court Likes Me Better, Loser" bouquet
5. Figure out how to make eating squirrel acceptable -- them boys is tasty!
4. Do a little bipartisan work with Hillary, if you know what I mean
3. Tell Al Gore to keep his schedule clear in case things don't work out
2. Call Saddam Hussein, listen to the panic when he hears we got another "President Bush"
1. Thank Katherine Harris by sending her metric ton of mascara
Top Ten Chapter Titles In Hillary Clinton's New Book - December 18, 2000
10. "1, 2, 3, 5-8 and 10 -- A Look At The Commandments I Broke During The Past 8 Years"
9. "Alaska and Jupiter -- The Only Things Bigger Than My Husband's Thighs"
8. "Deciding Which State Is Best For You To Pretend To Be From"
7. "Priceless White House Antiques I've Thrown At Bill's Head"
6. "Sweet Revenge: My Evening In A Windowless Corridor With a Hefty Male Intern"
5. "God Bless The Execu-Craft Model 5000 Paper Shredder"
4. "Roger Clinton: The Real Brains Behind The Whole Operation"
3. "Arafat's Wife: So-So Kisser"
2. "I Never Figured Out Who The Hell Rick Lazio Was Either"
1. Chapter 1: "Bill's A Jerk. The End. Now Where's My $8 Mil?"
Top Ten Holiday Traditions In The Military - December 19, 2000
10. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
(Private First Class Jason Campbell)
9. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
(Private First Class Rick Pires)
8. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
(Specialist Joy Dobson)
7. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
(Sergeant Jennifer Dimas)
6. Want a Playstation 2? Fire Tomahawk missiles at Santa's ass
(Specialist Nicole Lavis)
5. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
(Sergeant Ryan Hilton)
4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
(Sergeant Heather O'Harra)
3. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
(Specialist Sanjeeb Dodge)
2. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out
(Specialist Terry Barnes)
1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog
(Command Sergeant Major William J. Gainey)
Top Ten Questions George W. Bush Asked President Clinton - December 20, 2000
10. "What's the name of that big building shaped like a pentagon?"
9. "Where do you want me to forward your subpoenas?"
8. "Can I buy your '92 inaugural speech from you?"
7. "Who does a guy have to execute to get a drink around here?"
6. "Lemme get this straight -- you won an election without a brother as governor?"
5. "How can I tell Cheney to start wearing a shirt to meetings without hurting his feelings?"
4. "Dude, where's my car?"
3. "In that movie 'Independence Day' did the Martians really blow up the White House?"
2. "Do you think the young lady could stop that until we're finished talking?"
1. "Which one of these is the Bat-Phone?"
Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You - December 22, 2000
10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife
9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and posted on the Internet
8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg
7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living room carpet
6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat ass"
5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"
4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse
3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD
2. Turns his reindeer loose on you
1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof
Top Ten Madonna Tips For a Happy Marriage - December 26, 2000
10. Wedding reception great place to meet guys
9. In pre-nuptial agreement, get rights to all sex videos you make together
8. Draw up a household budget of, say, $2 million a month and stick to it
7. Be up front about your past lovers, even if it takes all weekend to list them
6. Get on wife's good side by calling Letterman an a**hole
5. Communication is important -- make sure your people and his people talk frequently
4. Keep romance alive by beating up tabloid photographers together
3. Celebrate little anniversaries, like the first time you were rumored to be cheating on each other
2. It takes 2 to make a successful marriage work -- it takes 5 or 6 to make things interesting
1. Only marry a man who loves you as much as you love yourself
Top Ten George W. Bush Vacation Fun Tips - December 27, 2000
10. When grilling, discarded Gore ballots make handy charcoal-starters
9. As President, you can veto "last call"
8. Stay on vacation for next four years -- let Dick Cheney worry about running the country
7. Send post card to friends and family who helped rig the election
6. Waterslide parks are a great way to "accidentally" tumble into girls in bikinis
5. If the lines are too long at Disneyworld, see if Jeb can pull a few strings for you
4. Want an inexpensive yet tasty sunblock? Try mayonnaise
3. If it rains, no problem -- you'll love "Dude, Where's My Car?"
2. Take a riverboat down the mighty Mississippissippi
1. If you don't like the resort, electrocute your travel agent
Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold In New York - December 28, 2000
10. Groping in subway considered acceptable as long as you're wearing mittens
9. Area hospitals treating thousands of cases of middle-finger hypothermia
8. Flashers open raincoats exposing mock turtleneck sweaters from J. Crew
7. Hillary Clinton just announced she is running for U.S. Senator from Hawaii in 2004
6. To stay warm, Mayor Giuliani climbed into bed with his wife and his girlfriend
5. People have stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes
4. People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up
3. The squirrels in Central Park have ice on their nuts
2. Empire State Building is noticeably shorter
1. Whatever the hell's on top of Donald Trump's head just migrated south
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party - December 29, 2000
10. At 11:58 the host announces, "I gotta get up early. Everybody out."
9. You're pretty sure good champagne doesn't come in individual juice boxes
8. Because of poorly designed invitation you end up at Pat Buchanan's party
7. The guy playing Baby New Year in a diaper actually wears one year-round
6. To save money on noisemakers, at midnight host punches you in the gut
5. It's at Puff Daddy's place and no one gets shot!
4. Paper hats are made from health department warning of high mercury levels in the building
3. It's July 31st
2. Host says, "Wanna see the ball drop?" but there ain't no TV
1. The best-looking woman at the party is Katherine Harris