Top 10 Houston Oiler Excuses - January 5, 1993
10. Shouldn't have skipped breakfast - it's the most important meal of the day!
9. Started giving 109% instead of 110%.
8. Even though fans loved it, shouldn't have replaced Warren Moon with folk singer Suzanne Vega.
7. Busy making mental tally of football players with girls names: Fran Tarkenton... Rosey Grier....
6. YOU try tackling those guys - some of them are huge!
5. Bills quarterback kept looking one way, then throwing the other.
4. Wanted to honor another Houstonian who let a big lead in the polls slip away.
3. "I'm telling you - maybe YOU didn't see Dobermans on the field, but there WERE Dobermans on the field!"
2. Preoccupied about getting home in time to see all the Amy Fisher movies.
1. Didn't want to go to Disney World.
Top 10 Signs Americans Are Getting Dumber - January 6, 1993
10. Rising tide of complaints that the Clapper is too complicated.
9. More people saying, "Hey, you forgot to take the hanger out of your coat."
8. When asked to name the current president, most say, "Eddie?"
7. 82% of Americans get their news from a pet.
6. Sales of "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts surpassed by sales of "I Am Stupid" T-shirts.
5. Leading cause of death: forgetting to let go of bowling balls.
4. Frightened crowds always running out of movie theaters screaming, "Giants! Giants!"
3. 1993 S.A.T. consists of one question: "Hey good lookin' - whatcha got cookin'?"
2. Upsurge in the number of babies named "Critter."
1. Three Amy Fisher movies.
Top 10 Excuses of the Home Alone Parents - January 7, 1993
10. Airline wasn't running "Kids Fly Free" promotion.
9. That Macaulay Culkin kid was left home alone and he's a millionaire.
8. OK everybody, meet Winnie, the invisible babysitter! Say hi, Winnie! Go ahead! Winnie?! Winnie?!
7. Unspoken assumption that they'd be taking a later flight.
6. Had to stay behind to fire Ditka.
5. Kids love to be alone at Christmas.
4. Just for the sake of argument, suppose the kids were hats. Now, there's nothing wrong with leaving a couple hats at home, is there?
3. We haven't had a vacation without the kids since September.
2. Babysitter Amy Fisher didn't show up.
1. Hey, we came back , didn't we?
Top 10 Signs the Guy Who's Pulled You Over Isn't a Real Cop - January 8, 1993
10. He's driving a Mr. Softie truck.
9. Nightstick looks suspiciously like one of those really long Slim Jims.
8. Can't fit you in back of his car because of all the chickens.
7. Rather than "Protect and Serve," his motto is "Lift and Separate."
6. He keeps calling you "Mommy."
5. You're blinded by the glare of his silver cape.
4. Instead of handcuffs, two onion rings and a rubber band.
3. He jumps in the back seat, holds a gun to your head, and says, "Drive me to Cincinnati."
2. Every other word out of his mouth is "Martians."
1. Hates doughnuts.
Top 10 Campaign Promises Clinton Is Least Likely To Fulfill - January 12, 1993
10. Bring Fred Astaire back to life to dance at the inaugural.
9. Seven-, eight-, nine-, and eleven-dollar bills.
8. Get an albino on the Supreme Court.
7. Keep "Knots Landing" on the air.
6. Somehow keep Roger from embarrassing himself and the nation.
5. Gain no more than 10 lbs. a year.
4. Bomb Sweden until they're cross-eyed.
3. Get hair dyed for Joey Buttafuoco role in upcoming Amy Fisher movie.
2. Federal law giving every male American an equal shot at Gennifer Flowers.
1. Make Al Gore exciting.
Top 10 Problems that Doomed the Around-the-World Balloon Flight - January 13, 1993
10. Right before lift-off, fat guy from "Cheers" sneaked on.
9. First mate wouldn't quit with the "Up, Up and Away in Our Beautiful Balloon."
8. Nobody could drive a stick.
7. Navigator insisted on bringing along his collection of good luck anvils.
6. Balloon built by G.E.
5. Those morons at Jiffy Lube.
4. Shouldn't have agreed to deliver huge overflowing box of hat pins.
3. Collided with DHL truck.
2. Wasted all the helium doing Sally Struthers imitations.
1. Someone had their try table down.
Top 10 Real Reasons I'm Leaving NBC - January 14, 1993
10. Heads - CBS; tails - CBS.
9. It just makes sense, since I'm already commuting with Andy Rooney.
8. At last minute, CBS kicked in a new set of Michelins.
7. I've stolen as many G.E. bulbs as I can fit in my garage.
6. In order to grow as an artist, I feel it's important to do the same crap over at CBS.
5. Tired of being sexually harassed by Bryant.
4. Can't convince them to do another TripleCast.
3. Finally realized not only are they never going to make me anchorman, but this technically isn't even a news show.
2. CBS had the best Amy Fisher movie.
1. They insist I wear pants.
Top 10 Good Things About Being a Lame Duck President - January 15, 1993
10. Good chance to catch breath before starting your lawn care job.
9. Can grow back the 'fro.
8. "Lame duck president" big improvement over just "lame president."
7. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner: spotted owls.
6. Shows don't have to be very good until we get to CBS.*
5. Run up huge 900-number bill, let Hillbilly Boy worry about it.
4. Hardly any press coverage when you throw up in a world leader's lap.
3. Don't have to suck up to Larry King anymore.
2. Get in a few Quayle jokes of your own.
1. Goodbye cabinet meetings, hello Halcion.
* Good thing about being a lame duck talk-show host.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Inauguration - January 19, 1993
10. Over-inflating the thighs on the Clinton float.
9. Asking band to play "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song.
8. Forgetting to ask Clinton if he'd like fries with that.
7. Introducing yourself to the Secret Service as "Billy the Robot from Space."
6. Running into people's shins with your go-cart (Dan Quayle only).
5. Yelling "One more time!" after Fleetwood Mac finishes "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow."
4. Trying to impress Chelsea by telling her you wrote, directed, and starred in "Annie Hall."
3. Even the slightest mention of the word "Dukakis."
2. During Gore's speech sarcastically shouting "Calm down, you madman!"
1. Asking Roger to sing.
Top 10 Things Clinton Had To Do on His First Day - January 21, 1993
10. Find out just what the hell this "Bosnia" is.
9. Call up chicks who wouldn't date him in high school and ask what their husbands do for a living.
8. Send in change of address card to "Hillbilly President" magazine.
7. Buy that Saddam a burrito because a man enjoying a burrito is a threat to no one.
6. Sharpen a load of pencils.
5. Anything to distract him from thinking about what Michael Jackson looked like close up.
4. Flip Newt Gingrich "the national bird."
3. Assure a teary-eyed Dan Quayle that he'll look after squirrel family living in attic.
2. Figure out jogging route that goes past McDonalds AND Dunkin' Donuts.
1. Start making pathetic excuses.
Top 10 Signs Roger Clinton Is Going To Be Trouble - January 21, 1993
10. It's just not normal to keep eating so much taffy.
9. Won't go anywhere without his goalie mask and Bat Cape.
8. Let's put it this way: if he were a Corleone, he'd be Fredo.
7. When Bill was looking for a poet for the inauguration, Roger asked, "How about the Dice-Man?"
6. Way he keeps asking Tipper: "Yeah, but are you MARRIED married?"
5. In made-for-TV movie about Clinton family, he's being played by Gary Busey.
4. Somehow broke into the mint, got his face put on the dime.
3. Spends late nights tap dancing with Bonnie Franklin.
2. Refers to Dan Quayle as "Professor."
1. Already applied for presidential pardon.
Top 10 Signs the Presidential Honeymoon Is Over - January 22, 1993
10. Israelis and Arabs agree - he's fat.
9. Two words: Zoe Baird.
8. French President Mitterand refers to him as "Le Bonehead."
7. His Mom keeps asking him why he can't be more like his brother Roger.
6. No longer a cinch to nail Barbra Streisand.
5. Japanese leader threw up in HIS lap.
4. Earlier today, Lesley Stahl gave him the finger.
3. Dukakis won't return his calls.
2. When he has to go out in public, Secret Service says, "You're on your own, Pedro."
1. Has to pump his own gas.
Top 10 Other New White House Rules - February 2, 1993
10. No talking during "Hee Haw."
9. Championship sports teams invited to White House must bring cheerleaders.
8. Barbra Streisand may take nuclear secrets home overnight, but they must be returned in the morning.
7. President must wash hands before returning to work.
6. You must be this tall to ride Gennifer Flowers.
5. When the President's brother Roger is singing, staffers must murmur, "Man! That cat is laying down a groove!"
4. At state dinners Ted Kennedy has two-drink limit.
3. Everyone must agree with President when he says, "South Dakoty is north of North Dakoty, ain't it?"
2. If the Oval Office is rockin', don't bother knockin'.
1. Do not feed the President.
Top 10 Signs You Have Too Much Body Hair - February 3, 1993
10. Not enough hours in the day to rinse, lather, and repeat.
9. When you applied for McDonalds job, hair-net company bought you a Ferrari.
8. Every time you get out of the shower, your wife says, "Hey, great! A gorilla-gram!"
7. Getting caught in the rain means you stink like a labrador.
6. You keep a Weed Whacker in the medicine cabinet.
5. Your name is Ed Asner.
4. As girlfriend runs fingers over your hairy chest, a pair of pliers turns up.
3. "Take off your coat and stay a while. No, seriously, take off your coat - you'll be more comfortable. Please - would you take off your coat?"
2. "Hard Copy" wants to shoot some blurry footage of you nude for their Bigfoot story.
1. Cause of death: mange.
Top 10 Ways To Cut $14 Billion from the Defense Budget - February 4, 1993
10. Fly stand-by.
9. Streamline paperwork - make everyone in army use name "Ed Johnson."
8. Earl Scheib will camouflage anything for $99.99.
7. From now on, helmets only for guys with really, really sensitive heads.
6. Put off buying a wrench or two.
5. Delete "free fudgsicles" clause from Schwarzkopf's pension.
4. Screw periscopes - they can just stick their heads out of the top and look a round.
3. Replace six-week basic training with screening of Rambo I, II, and III.
2. Pry toilet out of an old Winnebago, stencil words "space toilet" on side. Sell it to NASA.
1. Two words: street clothes.
Top 10 Signs It's a Slow News Day - February 5, 1993
10. Al Gore is on the front page of the New York Times.
9. Most of the news is follow-up stuff on the big Hindenberg crash.
8. Regular obituaries replaced by "Best Obituaries of 1993".
7. You tell the head editor you're going to grab some lunch and he starts screaming, "Stop the presses!"
6. New York Post makes up a story about you moving to L.A.
5. Big headline: "People Sure Do Like Pie!"
4. "See page eight for more news about Joe Piscopo."
3. Exclusive interview with guy who thinks he may have seen Amy Fisher drive by his house one time a few years ago.
2. List of winning lottery numbers followed by list of losing lottery numbers.
Top 10 Signs J. Edgar Hoover Was Gay - February 9, 1993
10. At 1941 inauguration of F.D.R. he showed up wearing the same dress as Eleanor.
9. Demanded that each FBI operation be named for a Broadway show.
8. Let's just say he "left a lot of fingerprints" if you know what I mean.
7. Lived by motto: "When in doubt, strip search."
6. Three words: Special Agent Liberace.
5. Whenever he went under cover he went as Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."
4. Top advisors: cowboy, construction worker, and Indian chief.
3. Wore button that said, "I like Ike. I mean I REALLY like Ike."
2. Usually opened staff meeting with his version of "Mandy."
1. The J. stood for Jenny.
Top 10 Signs Hillary Is in Charge - February 10, 1993
10. Leaving the seat up now a federal offense.
9. She threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister's lap.
8. Bill wouldn't have gotten that "Jackie Thomas Show" without her.
7. Secret Service code name for President Clinton: "Mr. Mom."
6. New law prohibiting spelling Gennifer witha "G."
5. Every time she moves her hand, Bill flinches like a frightened collie.
4. She's commander-in-chief of the remote control.
3. Whenever Clintons appear together, Marine band plays "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar."
2. Latest choice for Attorney General: Michael Bolton.
1. Bill now calling her "Mommy."
Top 10 Surprises in the Michael Jackson Interview - February 11, 1993
10. Two words: beer gut.
9. Announcement that he has agreed to fight Riddick Bowe.
8. When he lights up one of his big cigars you'd swear you're looking at Groucho.
7. Favorite pastime: getting drunk and shooting at cars on the interstate.
6. Burned during filming of Pepsi commercial by NBC News incendiary device.
5. Oprah meant it when she said, "The first thing I want to do when this is over is hijack a German airplane."
4. Picked up a lot of his wardrobe at a J. Edgar Hoover estate sale.
3. Recently had transplant surgery using Bubbles' liver.
2. His waist is the same size as Oprah's forearm.
1. He never touched himself.
Top 10 Signs that Your Hijacker Is Dumb - February 12, 1993
10. Keeps telling pilot to hurry because he has to hijack a connecting flight.
9. One of his demands: a police escort when you land.
8. He fell for bit about Michael Jackson dating Brooke Shields.
7. Asks pilot to hold his gun for a while so he can get some shut-eye.
6. Keeps asking himself, "What would Howie Mandel do in this situation?"
5. Asks male flight attendant, "So, do you have a lot of girlfriends?"
4. Two words: return ticket.
3. First item on his list of demands: plastic pilot's wings.
2. Makes note to order motivational cassettes advertised in inflight magazine.
1. His only demand: gum.
Top 10 Surprising Things About Clinton's Speech Last Night - February 16, 1993
10. First line: "I am your king, bring me your gold!"
9. The way the President's brother Roger kept sneaking up and waving to the camera.
8. That a slide whistle can be so effective when driving home a hard economic point.
7. His mid-speech taco break.
6. Hillary let him use the Oval Office.
5. Pay your taxes on time, get a nice fresh grape.
4. His closing: "And now a word from Budweiser, the King of Beers. Nothing beats a Bud."
3. The extended metaphor of the American economy as an enormous burrito.
2. 70% of new taxes will be aimed at Oprah.
1. He's dating Brooke Shields.
Top 10 Signs Your Film Isn't Going To Be Nominated for an Academy Award - February 17, 1993
10. No one's seen it but you and your Mom.
9. Due to typo you paid top dollar to get Jack Nicklaus.
8. During filming you forgot to take lens cap off, released it anyway.
7. You're making a sequel to "Gorillas in the Mist" but halfway through you lose your permit for the gorillas and have to finish using big St. ernards.
6. Clarence Thomas bought the video.
5. Every time your movie is shown audience screams, "Focus!"
4. Full page ads begin, "If you loved 'Encino Man'...."
3. Entire movie filmed through a peephole at a Holiday Inn.
2. The title includes any combination of the following words: "stop", "Mom", or "shoot".
1. Two words: starring Madonna.
Top 10 Things Dumb Guys Were Thinking During Clinton's Speech - February 18, 1993
10. "What's gotten into Matlock?"
9. "Wait till the guys at work hear I stayed awake thro-zzzzzzzz."
8. "Enough with the fancy talk, Gallagher, start bustin' them melons!"
7. "I liked it better when Dana Carvey was president."
6. "I can't believe he's blaming me and George!"
5. "Why's everybody clappin' so much? Must be because the President's so handsome. Way to be handsome, Mr. President!"
4. "Think I'll go for a spin in my '86 GM pickup."
3. "Why don't he wave back?"
2. "Should I stay in New York or move the show to L.A.?"
1. "Please don't tax Cheetos."
Top 10 Ways Things Would Be Different If Roger Clinton Were President - February 19, 1993
10. Walls of Oval Office wouldn't be cluttered with various diplomas.
9. Garth Brooks - Secretary of Hats.
8. Long, complicated State of the Union addresses replaced by 5-minute prime-time reminders to always use ZIP codes.
7. New cabinet position: Minister of Barbecue.
6. Hillary wouldn't be running the country anymore.
5. Every Saturday, nation would gather around their TV's to watch president compete on "American Gladiators."
4. "Hail to the Chief" replaced with theme from "Wayne's World."
3. Chief Justice Wapner.
2. A lot of speeches would begin, "Dan Quayle had a good idea the other day."
1. One word: hootercade.
Top 10 Reasons We're Staying in New York - February 23, 1993
10. Didn't want to give up my table at Blimpies.
9. I'd miss driving through Lincoln Tunnel with my eyes closed.
8. After 11 years away from L.A. I finally manage to lose my Chicano accent.
7. Would rather be shot at on subways than freeways.
6. Couldn't get cheap applause by saying New York audiences are best looking in all of TV.
5. I have a biological need to stay close to Tom Brokaw.
4. East Coast girls are hip. We really dig those styles they wear.
3. L.A. phone book doesn't contain one Buttafuoco.
2. Woman who keeps breaking into my house didn't feel like moving to L.A.
1. Three words: Times Square sushi.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Grammys - February 24, 1993
10. "Who the hell let Yoko in?"
9. "Sure I remember you from the Bangles - I'll have a rum and coke please."
8. "Wow! Johnny Winter beats Edgar Winter in best albino blues guitarist category again!"
7. "When's that geezer gonna come out and do them lame one-arm push-ups?"
6. "Yeah right, he's dating Brooke Shields."
5. "My brother's the President, and if you don't let me sing, I'll have him do somethin' nucular to ya'!"
4. "Call security - Oprah's moonwalking!"
3. "Reba, Latifah. Latifah, Reba. Latifah and Reba, Bono."
2. "Run for your lives - Harry Connick Jr.'s got a gun!"
1. "He's the guy touching himself."
Top 10 Other New Rules at McDonalds - February 25, 1993
10. Prove you've suffered a massive heart attack, get a free Big Mac.
9. Condiments now include Stridex pads.
8. Carjacking only in designated drive-thru lanes.
7. If a customer requests detailed nutritional information, you don't speak English, got it?
6. No more freebies for Ronald McDonald's lover, Gary.
5. Employees must at least think about washing hands before returning to work.
4. McDLTs come with McCPR.
3. When somebody orders a salad, no longer allowed to say, "Hey, we got ourselves a sissy here."
2. One Buttafuoco collector cup per visit.
1. You MUST have fries with that.
Top 10 Signs Your Doctor Is Trying To Kill You - February 26, 1993
10. He loads up I.V. bag with Diet Slice.
9. Before attaching EKG electrodes, asks you to stand in a pail of water.
8. Keeps wanting to test your reflexes with a rusty bear trap.
7. Has other patients mounted on the wall.
6. Just as you're going under you hear him say, "Say hi to Lyndon Johnson for me."
5. Examining table has a chalk body outline drawn on it.
4. He has a G.E. coffee maker in the waiting room.
3. You stop by for a flu shot and go home with a baboon liver.
2. You come out of the anesthesia in the fast lane of a busy highway.
1. He's kind of creepy
Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Secretary - March 2, 1993
10. Instead of makeup, she opts for magic marker moustache and sideburns.
9. Upon seeing typewriter, screams, "Ahhh! Iron pencil!"
8. Several times a week firefighters have to free her from the candy machine.
7. People from Guinness book always showing up to measure his fingernails.
6. Keeps asking you to repeat the word "Dictaphone."
5. While taking notes at a board meeting, she suddenly says, "I missed what fatso just said."
4. Claims he was once Vice President, but he can't even spell.
3. You can't remember the last time you got a letter or a phone call.
2. Since she's been there, you go through $10,000 a week in petty cash.
1. Can't get the hang of Post-Its.
Top 10 Relationship Problems for Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields - March 3, 1993
10. He's prettier.
9. Michael always carting around Elephant Man. Brooke always carting around mother.
8. She keeps leaving the lid up on the hyperbaric chamber.
7. Instead of taking her out to dinner, has his zookeeper toss her live crickets.
6. Can't seem to get the old Ferris wheel going (if you know what I mean).
5. They're at the mall. They're having a nice, normal time. Then suddenly it'
s: "Hey everybody look at me! I'm moonwalking! Oooh, I'm the coolest guy at the mall!"
4. The Tito factor.
3. Always arguing over who left the cap off the lipstick.
2. Brooke smokes in bed; Michael highly flammable.
1. He touches himself more than her.
Larry King's Top 10 Complaints About Liz Taylor - March 4, 1993
10. Kept saying, "I've answered another question. Give me a diamond."
9. She hasn't quite got the hang of that bald spot spray paint.
8. For some reason she refused to discuss her NFL career.
7. She insisted on holding up her husband's new perfume "Suddenly Fortensky."
6. Her non-stop boasting about all the Domino's pizza guys she's nailed.
5. All that money and she's always wearing the same sweatsuit.
4. She's not the same girl she was 73 years ago.
3. Kept saying, "Ain't it the truth, Oprah!"
2. Spits big chunks of lamb when she talks.
1. She wouldn't marry him.
Clinton's Top 10 Recurring Nightmares - March 5, 1993
10. A 50-foot Roger.
9. He dreams he's eating a giant marshmallow and when he wakes up, Ted Kennedy is gone.
8. Al Gore actually comes to life.
7. Bob's Big and Tall - out of business! Mr. Stocky's - out of business! Tubby's House of Pants - out of business!
6. Hillary doesn't let him attend cabinet meetings anymore.
5. He's in the lead going into Final Jeopardy and the category is "Personal Army Experiences."
4. Secret Service Agent Richard Simmons.
3. A giant Socks-the-cat approaches him with a scalpel and says, "It's time for your neutering."
2. Erotic dream about J. Edgar Hoover.
1. Two words: Chelsea Buttafuoco.
Top 10 Ways To Kill Time When You're Stranded in an Airport - March 16, 1993
10. Ride around baggage carousel asking people, "Are you sure I'm not your suitcase?"
9. Organize a posse. Look for Swedes.
8. Page "passenger John Goodman" and watch all the fat guys in the airport get stared at.
7. Drink yourself into a duty-free coma.
6. Scream, "Duck! It's Harry Connick Jr.!"
5. Make annoying siren noise and carry old people to their gates.
4. Have a few jumbo sodas; go out and "de-ice" a 747.
3. Help out customs officials by sniffing people's luggage.
2. Think up dirty jokes with "Aer Lingus" in the punch line.
1. Play goose-the-skycap.
Top 10 Irish Expressions for Sex - March 17, 1993
10. Peeling the potato
9. Mowing the clover
8. Watching the soda bread rise
7. Getting shille-laid
6. Cleaning the bagpipes
5. Tenderizing the corned beef
4. Oh Danny boy - oh boy - oh boy!
3. Flying Aer Lingus
2. Kissing a Kennedy
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Bad Cult - March 18, 1993
10. Entire religion based on something founder overheard on a bus.
9. Cult leader just keeps asking, "So, uh, what do you guys want to do now?"
8. At the annual convention your cult gets the booth all the way in the back.
7. Their description of heaven sounds suspiciously like Sea World.
6. The Kool-Aid tastes funny.
5. It's called "The Danson family" and you get together every Thursday to watch "Cheers."
4. You're named cult leader because you're the only one with a car.
3. You recognize many of your fellow members from the World Wrestling Federation.
2. Their TV spokesman is Joe Piscopo.
1. It's just a bunch of nude fat guys.
Top 10 Signs It's Your Cab Driver's First Day - March 19, 1993
10. His turban is clean and bright.
9. He says, "Uh oh, easy does it! Pothole coming up!"
8. You take turns driving so he can get some shut-eye.
7. When you get in the cab and say, "World Trade Center," he starts screaming, "I didn't do it!"
6. You recognize him as former head of NBC News Michael Gartner.
5. Drives cab in area marked "street."
4. He turns meter off and says, "How can I care about money when I'm drivin' a big yellow car?! Whoopee!"
3. "South Bronx? 2 a.m.? Sure, hop in."
2. When stuck in traffic, he explains, "I would use the horn but it is only for emergencies."
1. He stops at red lights.
Top 10 Signs Boris Yeltsin Is Cracking Under the Pressure - March 23, 1993
10. Instead of the Kremlin, has started hanging around Kreskin's house.
9. One day, pants but no hat. Next day, hat but no pants.
8. Keeps pounding desk with fists and screaming, "Kill Moose and Squirrel."
7. While addressing Parliament, can't stop blurting out secret to "The Crying Game."
6. Applied for job as new president of NBC.
5. Asked Admiral Stockdale to be his running mate.
4. Wastes hours playing "Let's Look for Swedes."
3. Has taken to calling himself the "Stolichnaya Messiah."
2. Let his goofy brother Roger Yeltsin sing on MTV.
1. Claims he invented Russian dressing.
Top 10 Little-Known Facts About "Nightline" - March 24, 1993
10. Early "Nightline" trading cards now worth over $500.
9. Koppel demanded ABC give his wife a show right after "Nightline."
8. Due to Ted's lack of self control, bacon has been banned from the set.
7. Their Top 10 lists are funnier than ours.
6. It's taped with an X-400, reflex lens camera using a cathode-ray tube.
5. Just like in "The Crying Game," Ted Koppel is a guy!
4. Features exclusive interviews with presidents, not their brothers.
3. During commercial breaks, Koppel uses the big satellite video screen to talk to his cat.
2. New format debuting this summer: Ted and his guest try to one-up each other with Mama jokes.
1. It ain't a wig.
Top 10 Signs the Guys Trying To Put Out Your Burning House Aren't Real Firemen - March 25, 1993
10. Their beards are on fire.
9. Entire operation comes to a complete halt when someone accidentally stands on the garden hose.
8. You warn them that your gas tank is liable to blow and they say, "Cool!"
7. They're wearing bowling shoes.
6. You notice them carrying each other up and down ladders.
5. Chief says, "It'll burn itself out in a couple days," asks for a beer, and leaves.
4. They arrive a couple at a time off the regular city bus.
3. One of them keeps trying to attach the end of a hose to your dog.
2. They keep laughing and shouting, "Nothing beats flame broiling!"
1. No ladders - stilts.
Top 10 Other Products Being Test Marketed by McDonalds - March 26, 1993
10. Filet o' Leftovers
9. The Depressing Meal
8. One big French fry you carve like a turkey
7. Ray Kroc Bits
6. Chance to punch Ronald McDonald in the stomach as hard as you can
5. The 200-pound hamburger
3. The Double Buttafuoco with Cheese
2. The Al Pacino Scent o' Woman sandwich
1. The Egg McMahon
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Oscars - March 30, 1993
10. "Hey Whoopi, those shrimp are for everybody!"
9. "Did you know Bette Davis once bludgeoned a meter man with her statuette?"
8. "The industry's most glamorous night of the year ruined by dozens of vicious wild dogs."
7. "He's in third place with 20 laps to go." (Overheard at a NASCAR race.)
6. "Ahh! The corpse of Bob Hope.... Oh, that IS Bob Hope."
5. "Why is Refrigerator Perry singing the theme from 'Aladdin'?"
4. "Liza Minnelli dance number... making me... dizzy... eyes starting to burn...."
3. "I'm so confused. I saw the guy from "The Crying Game" making out with Bea Arthur."
2. "Get off the stage, push-up geezer!"
1. "Quit licking my Oscar."
Top 10 Things Yeltsin Can Do To Get His Popularity Back - March 31, 1993
10. Develop a clear borscht.
9. Stop calling everyone "Homey."
8. Appear in public wearing the big purple Barney-the-Dinosaur costume.
7. New re-election slogan: "A chicken in every time zone."
6. More wet babushka contests.
5. Get Certs people to start using phrase: "Contains a sparkling drop of Yeltsin."
4. Promise everybody all kinds of stuff he can't possibly deliver - like Clinton.
3. Pretend he's Ed McMahon, get head slammed in door.
2. Legally change name to Boris Buttafuoco.
1. Claim he's dating Brooke Shields.
Top 10 Signs You've Picked the Wrong Supreme Court Justice - April 1, 1993
10. Keeps asking, "When do I meet Diana Ross?"
9. Writes his opinions on little scraps of Kleenex.
8. Only law he knows is that "under-30-minutes-or-the-pizza-is-free" thing.
7. Favorite case: Roe v. Godzilla.
6. Keeps sneaking into the chambers at night and propping up Thurgood Marshall in his old chair.
5. He points at your shoes and says, "Enjoy 'em while they're still legal."
4. Whenever a death sentence is announced, he plays "taps" on his kazoo.
3. Three words: UNLV law school.
2. You overhear him mumbling, "What would Wapner do?"
1. Heard of Jacoby, never heard of Meyers.
Top 10 Signs You're Not God - April 2, 1993
10. You've got combination skin.
9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24).
8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways.
7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss and foul up his automatic sprinkler system.
6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage.
5. God doesn't have a hair weave.
4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy.
3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting arrested.
2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days.
1. You wouldn't be living in Waco.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Summit - April 7, 1993
10. "Look, forget the money, we want that miracle spray-on hair stuff."
9. "Imagine what you'd look like if you didn't jog every day."
8. "For a strong President, you really have soft skin."
7. "Get some vodka into that Al Gore of yours."
6. "What? We have no time outs left?"
5. "Margaret Thatcher? I had her."
4. "Hey Bubba! Leave some gravy for the Ruskky!"
3. "The Red Army has been gay for years and it's a blast."
2. "When do I get to meet this Joey Buttafuoco?"
1. "Last call already?"
Top 10 Things Aeroflot Can Do To Improve Its Image - April 7, 1993
10. Shoo the bats out of the lavatories.
9. Promise delivery within two days.
8. Stop asking smaller passengers to sit in the laps of larger passengers.
7. No longer have Moscow-to-Leningrad flight connect through Dallas-Fort Worth.
6. Modify plane to resemble giant airborne potato.
5. Stewardesses with necks.
4. Water down the captain's vodka.
3. Remove Chernobyl-cured ham from inflight menu.
2. Paint over Gorbachev-inspired red mark on top of fuselages.
1. More aero, less flot.
Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny Is Losing His Mind - April 8, 1993
10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."
9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"
8. Can't stop washing his paws.
7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."
4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
Top 10 Signs You're an Extremely Boring Person - April 9, 1993
10. Most common question you ask: "Hey, where's everybody going?"
9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, "Pick up the pace, you simp!"
8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you.
7. Your wildest fantasy: to some day visit Winnipeg.
6. Your bedroom walls are covered with photos of Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen.
5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his Game Boy.
4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their wrists with a steak knife.
3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for organizing laundry.
2. During sex your wife calls out the name "Irving R. Levine."
1. You think Al Gore is a maniac.
Top 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur - April 13, 1993
10. Spent the 70s traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead.
9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days.
8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension.
7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "the luckiest damn space monkey in Hollywood."
6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them.
5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton.
4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget casino in Las Vegas after assaulting a black jack dealer.
3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five.
2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino.
1. Two words: silicone tail.
Top 10 Signs Larry King Is Losing His Mind - April 14, 1993
10. Has started referring to his suspenders as "Felix" and "Oscar."
9. Performed root canal on himself with a seafood fork.
8. Weirdly tries to pronounce CNN as if it were one word.
7. Recently spotted wandering pantless in a Florida mall screaming, "Go ahead - you're on the air!"
5. Won't stop talking about his great new idea: a reverse sandwich with filling on the outside and bread in the middle.
4. Is now demanding guests address him as "Mr. Larry."
3. His stomach is filled with charcoal briquettes.
2. Shouts "Bingo!" and awful lot for someone who isn't actually playing bingo.
1. Won't come out of the pup tent.
Top 10 Surprises in the Sex Survey - April 15, 1993
10. 98% prefer condoms to Isotoner gloves.
9. For teen boys, most frequent fantasy during sex is having a partner.
8. Three guys at MIT have had cyber-sex with a bank machine.
7. Pam no-stick spray no longer just for cooking.
6. Some men have sex as often as twice a week.
5. That Urkel guy's banged half of Hollywood.
4. Fat guys have a lot of trouble getting laid.
3. 0.00001% of teenage girls have shot their boyfriend's wife.
2. Wilford Brimley frequently has sex in exchange for cookies.
1. Most women ever? The Fonz.
Top 10 Surprises on the Clinton's Tax Return - April 16, 1993
10. Took advantage of something called "the butter fat deduction."
9. Bill's real name? Debbie.
8. Had to report gift hog from cast of "Hee Haw."
7. Chelsea donated $50 to Bush/Quayle '92.
6. Claimed McDonald's as a second home.
5. Bill pays Gore $30 a week to be Vice-President.
4. Crossed out the word "dependent," wrote in "critters."
3. Hillary made a million bucks sleeping with Robert Redford.
2. Bill took $4,000 depreciation on Gennifer Flowers.
1. Hillary listed as "head of household."
Top 10 Tips for the New "Late Night" Host - April 27, 1993
10. A drugged guest is a well behaved guest.
9. Proper gratuity for Marv Albert: nickel a blooper.
8. Kids will look up to you; don't let them think it's "cool" to smoke.
7. Willard's insane.
6. If you ever have a baby, look out for giant birds.
5. G. E. executives are "pinheads"; NBC executives are "boneheads."
4. No one cares about Walter Cronkite's lunch.
3. Don't panic if you find a strange woman in your house.
2. When all else fails, just say "Buttafuoco."
1. Two words: laugh track.
Top 10 Ways Clinton Can Improve His Approval Rating - April 28, 1993
10. Lift ban on gays in the Salvation Army.
9. Become the fattest president ever.
8. Move the Canadian border a few feet per day until by 1996 - voila! No more Canada!
7. Every Friday night, host an old horror movie on TV in full wolfman make-up.
6. Bomb Baghdad.
5. Sponsor Pay-per-View event; Attorney General Janet Reno wrestles a bear.
4. Put Gore in a purple dinosaur costume.
3. Be more like Urkel.
2. Pay off national debt by letting Hillary sleep with Redford 10,000 times.
1. Tank tops.
Top 10 Things Overheard During Take Your Daughter To Work Day - April 29, 1993
10. "I don't care whose 8-year-old she is, she's not neutering my Doberman."
9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo."
8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish-stick recipe. Now she must die!"
7. "Hand Mommy her tassles."
6. "This is the director's chair, Soon-Yi."
5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox - Cindy."
4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, "Hello, Mr. Letterman."
3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while Daddy whacks a guy."
2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past Congress."
1. "Keep away from Senator Packwood."
Top 10 Highlights of Roger Clinton's First 100 Days - April 30, 1993
10. Wore shoes for the first time.
9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something.
8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother "Stewie."
7. Was on TV!!!
6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the White House Easter egg hunt.
5. Was a runner-up on the game show "Towel off!"
4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl... that was awesome!
3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her Epilady.
2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from socks.
1. Higher approval rating than his brother.
Top 10 Signs Your Therapist Hates You - May 4, 1993
10. Everything you tell him ends up in the "Weekly World News."
9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making "cuckoo" sign with finger.
8. At the end of your session, he screams, "Time's up!" and high-fives the receptionist.
7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock and pretty soon tasty ain't so tasty anymore!
6. Really itchy couch.
5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling, "Yahtzee!"
4. Introduces you as the Mayor of Loserville.
3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says, "Come on, that's an old 'Twilight Zone.' "
2. Constantly asking: "So, you're just going to rule out suicide completely?"
1. Always sides with Mia.
Top 10 Signs You're Too Old To Be Living at Home - May 5, 1993
10. You can never figure out which dentures are yours.
9. Your parents keep leaving classified ads for rental apartments taped to your hamster's cage.
8. You sneak in late from a Neil Diamond concert.
7. You and your parents' Social Security checks come on same day of the month.
6. You've convinced yourself that when Dad dies, Mom will marry you.
5. You're 42 and you have a curfew.
4. You come home after a late night at the office and find that Mom has laid out your Star Wars pajamas.
3. At least once a week you get into a shoving match with Dad over the last beer.
2. Mailman openly mocks you by saying, "Give these letters to Mommy, you deadbeat."
1. Mom complains when you bring home hookers.
Al Gore's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 6, 1993
10. Is a heartbeat away from obscurity.
9. Picking up Big Mac wrappers off the White House jogging track.
8. Being Roger Clinton's designated driver.
7. Secret Service men assigned to him never seem to have sunglasses or ear pieces.
6. People who play blackjack when they're under the weather.
5. The round-the-clock drills on spelling "potato."
4. Some WWF stars are too big to answer their fan mail.
3. A couple of the angles on his head aren't quite 90 degrees.
2. Press never mentions the fact that he had an affair with Gennifer Flowers too.
1. Getting buried alive.
Top 10 Signs Your Postman Could Be Ready To Snap - May 7, 1993
10. He hides your letters around the yard like Easter eggs.
9. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but 29-cent stamps and fragile stickers.
8. Wife wears T-shirt saying, "I'm with disgruntled."
7. You find him on the porch reading a Sharper Image catalog to a squirrel.
6. Won't stop saying Buttafuoco.
5. Every letter he brings you is from him.
4. His hat looks suspiciously like the one you ordered from L. L. Bean.
3. Whenever he sneezes styrofoam peanuts fly out of his nose.
2. Invites you to put your hand in his pants and do a little "presorting."
1. Keeps biting the UPS guy.
Top 10 Signs the Guy Driving Your Subway Train Isn't a Transit Employee - May 11, 1993
10. Stops when he hits somebody.
9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting the sticky stuff on the floor.
8. The hospital gown.
7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards.
6. When you stop in Times Square, he gives Show World schedule over P.A.
5. Conductor's cap looks suspiciously like a Fruit Loops box.
4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his mouth, and tape around his wrists and ankles.
3. On his badge, "transit" spelled with a "z."
2. Wearing belt buckle that says, "Pull here for emergency stops."
1. He's graffiti free.
Top 10 Signs the World Is Becoming Overpopulated - May 12, 1993
10. 26-digit phone numbers.
9. Nobody is rooting for Maury Povich and Connie Chung anymore.
8. Roger Clinton's concert - sold out.
7. In parts of Asia, not only carpooling, but pantspooling.
6. There's now a 2-1/2-hour wait to get into Cher's bedroom.
5. It's bad enough dying of thirst out in the middle of the desert, but all the pushing and shoving!
4. Two Gaps on every block.
3. China just made it illegal to move your arms away from your sides.
2. Suddenly there are 10 women breaking into my house.
1. Too many damn "Eds"!
Top 10 Things Overheard During Clinton's Trip to New York - May 13, 1993
10. "Get out of my way, fatso."
9. "It'll be $15 for the phony headline, 'President Clinton's popularity soars.'"
8. "OK give me your Presidential wallet and just keep walking."
7. "Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'?"
6. "I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list."
5. "I'm the President damn it! Now give me another spare rib."
4. "Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President, they're stray bullets."
3. "Look at all the hookers. Yipppeeee!"
2. "Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection."
1. "Hey, tax this."
Top 10 Ways This Show Would Be Different If It Were Produced in Mexico - May 14, 1993
10. In lieu of ill-fitting sportcoat, ill-fitting serape.
9. Technically speaking, the audience would not merely be sleeping - they'd beenjoying an afternoon siesta.
8. Paul Shaffer replaced by giant dancing Te Amo cigar.
7. Stupid human tricks would often end in death.
6. I'd get speeding tickets from Mexican police.
5. More jokes about President Salinas' loser brother Arty Salinas.
4. More changes to say, "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"
3. G. E. Executives now called pinata heads.
2. Larry Bud would be on top of Mexico City capital building with giant sign: "Murder me!"
1. Two words: Senor Buttafuoco.
Top 10 Other Changes in the CBS Evening News - May 18, 1993
10. Title changed to "Hangin' with Mr. Rather."
9. Dan now used mostly to stand in wind tunnel and demonstrate force of hurricanes.
8. If your TV picture turns blue it means she's pregnant.
7. Dan and Connie begin each show by singing duet from "Beauty and the Beast."
6. More lame phone calls to Buenos Aires.
5. Dan won't be able to stash his Playboys in the news desk anymore.
4. Three words: matching news unitards.
3. Lots of sexual tension - they might be doing it, but no one's really sure.
2. At end of each newscast Connie and Dan introduce their daughter Chastity.
1. Plenty of cursing.
Top 10 Little Known Facts About "Cheers" - May 19, 1993
10. There's been talk of actually putting the "Cheers" logo on hats and t-shirts.
9. Ted Danson's hair is as real as the beer.
8. During show's 10-year history George Wendt ate 375 million peanuts.
7. Original choice for role of Sam Malone? Bea Arthur.
6. Any unused liquor after last taping goes directly to G. E. executives.
5. Show has won four Emmys for "Best Portrayal of a Bar Frequented by a Fat Guy and a Mailman."
4. Ted Danson is 67 years old.
3. Real-life bars that are actually named "Cheers" always suck.
2. To help actors feel like they're at a bar, there's actual vomit in the restroom.
1. Norm played by two midgets in a big coat.
Top 10 Signs Your Husband's a Loser - May 20, 1993
10. Shirt is never tucked or completely untucked.
9. Moves his lips when he watches TV.
8. Keeps leaning over to ask question about the "Ernest" movie.
7. Always quoting Urkel.
6. Nobody has called him "Mr. Vice-President" in four months.
5. Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer.
4. Among tapes in his permanent video library: all the Bud Bowls.
3. Spends hours a day inside a Mickey Mouse suit; doesn't work for Disney.
2. His teenage girlfriend shoots you in the head.
1. Sex is awkward wearing E.T. pajamas.
Top 10 Shocking Revelations About Mick Jagger - May 25, 1993
10. Bill Wyman is his father.
9. Probably thinks the song "You're So Vain" is about him.
8. Apparently has gotten lots of satisfaction.
7. Ex-wife Bianca invented that breath spray stuff.
6. Once shared a Jacuzzi with Marge Schott.
5. In a top-secret ceremony in the '60s he married Jim Nabors.
4. He can whistle "Honky Tonk Woman" through his nose.
3. Using fad diets, has gained and lost 15,000 pounds.
2. One of only 10 million people to have seen Madonna naked.
1. Slept with Redford for free.
Top 10 Reasons Clinton's Approval Rating Has Declined - May 26, 1993
10. As part of defense cuts, shouldn't have ordered cancellation of "Major Dad."
9. Majority of Americans want us to bomb somebody, ANYBODY.
8. One haircut cost taxpayers as much as 8 years worth of Reagan's Grecian Formula.
7. When we elected him he was pleasantly plump, now he's frightening the children.
6. Recent public admission he once dated Mick Jagger.
5. Country disappointed Roger hasn't lived up to his full Billy Carter potential.
4. Many turned off by videotape of Socks catching and disemboweling a sparrow.
3. Only definitive decision he's made since elected was, "Yes, I would like fries with that."
2. Many turned off by videotape of Hillary catching and disemboweling a sparrow.
1. Those damn running shorts.
Top 10 Things More Embarrassing than Having a Baseball Bounce Of Your Head for a Home Run - May 27, 1993
10. Being snubbed at daytime Emmys for 14th time.
9. First name: Peabo.
8. Missing an NBA playoff game because you're "feeling lucky" at the tables.
7. That Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker that won't come off.
6. Finding out you and your wife each slept with Mick Jagger.
5. Buying a ticket from a scalper at Shea Stadium.
4. Misspelling "potato."
3. Waking up nude and hung over in a sleeping bag with Ross Perot.
2. At your wedding, instead of saying, "I do," you accidentally say, "Boy, does my butt itch."
1. You lost the presidency to some fat hick.
Top 10 Indy Driver Pet Peeves - May 28, 1993
10. Radio loses FM signal in fourth turn.
9. You crash going 200 mph and you end up in a Marv Albert blooper reel.
8. Suction cup Garfield blocks view of track.
7. Going fast is scary!
6. Having to take a leak with 100 laps left.
5. Forgetting to remove "the Club" before the race starts.
4. When the tape player eats your "Chorus Line" cassette before you've even gone 50 laps.
3. People who pronounce it "Grand Prix."
2. When wife says you lack viscosity.
Top 10 Little Known Facts About Ruth Ginsburg - June 15, 1993
10. First judge to use the word "cran-tastic" in a legal brief.
9. Won $1.2 million from Michael Jordan on back nine at Augusta.
8. Has invented a combination glove and shovel called "The Glovel."
7. Allowed her cat to be filmed for Jurassic Park.
6. As a teenager, dated Joey Buttafuoco, Sr.
5. Four words: belches like a lumberjack.
4. She hates herself for it, but that "Diceman" cracks her up.
3. Spent three years traveling with a southern carnival as "Monkey Girl."
2. Once kicked Janet Reno's ass in a bar fight.
1. Nailed Wapner.
Top 10 New Diet Pepsi Slogans - June 16, 1993
10. Take the new Pepsi Challenge.
9. Give your taste buds something to shout about.
8. Coke's for sissies.
7. 200cc's of great taste.
6. Every can inspected by Ray Charles.
5. Keep out of reach of children.
4. Vaccinate your thirst.
3. Michael Jackson's revenge for that time we set his hair on fire.
2. Un-huh, uh-huh, ow!
1. You've got the contaminated one, baby!
Top 10 Signs You Have Dino-Fever - June 17, 1993
10. You legally change your name from "Bob" to "Bob-o-saurus."
9. You're eating a lot more ferns lately.
8. You strap tin plates on your dog's back to make him look like a stegosaurus.
7. You break into a dino-sweat, develop dino-tremors, and finally you're dino-dead.
6. When people ask if you like dinosaurs, you say, "You bet Jurassic."
5. You have a stabbing pain in your cheek (a sign you've taken a sip of Diet Pepsi).
4. You stalk Ernest Borgnine because of his prehistoric features.
3. Favorite reference book: Roget's Thesaurus.
2. You've been arrested more than once for exposing yourself in front of the T. Rex skeleton at the Museum of Natural History.
1. Name your kids: "Di," "No," and "Saur."
Top 10 Signs Clinton's Temper Is Out of Control - June 18, 1993
10. Last week, pistol-whipped a Domino's delivery guy.
9. Bruises the size of softballs covering Al Gore's torso.
8. Prime Minister of Zimbabwe: "It is a pleasure being in your country." Clinton: "Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?"
7. Socks spotted with a black eye and a knot in his tail.
6. Overheard screaming, "How come they ain't no dang needle in my dang Pepsi?"
5. State of the Union address had to be bleeped 14 times.
4. Threatened to break Sam Donaldson's leg in three places for "being a dork."
3. Slapped a guy silly on White House tour for whistling the Beverly Hillbillies theme.
2. Emptied Air Force One bathroom on Ross Perot's lawn.
1. Actually talked back to Hillary.
Top 10 Signs You're President Clinton's Long-Lost Half-Brother - June 22, 1993
10. Favorite beverage: Billy Beer.
9. Your nominees for officers of the bowling league always run into trouble.
8. You jog every morning and never ever lose any weight.
7. Your checking account is $3 trillion overdrawn.
6. You're not, but it's a better scam than pretending to find syringes in cans of Diet Pepsi.
5. You still think shoes are for rich folks.
4. Whenever Hillary says something on T.V., you do it without question.
3. You instinctively feel the need to get it on with Barbra Streisand.
2. You have a genetic predisposition to being kind of a load.
1. Haven't done anything since January.
Top 10 Signs that Madonna Would Make a Good Mother - June 23, 1993
10. Kids can conduct science projects with peroxide and penicillin.
9. Always lots of "uncles" around the house.
8. Kid wouldn't have to go through life with an embarrassing last name.
7. For all the same reasons Joan Crawford made a wonderful mother.
6. Bound to be better at parenting than movie-acting.
5. Will start college fund with Pay-per-View of live birth.
4. One snip, and an old cone-shaped bra becomes two wacky party hats!
3. Owns wide variety of interesting teething objects.
2. Lots of practice changing diapers on grown men.
1. Did Barney.
Top 10 Signs You're Going To Be a One-Term President - June 24, 1993
10. Heads of state greet you by saying, "Nice knowing you, Pedro."
9. Larry King bumps you when Joyce DeWitt interview runs long.
8. Secret Service code name: Jimmy Carter II.
7. White House tour guide points at you and says, "There goes one term bubba."
6. Even your long-lost brother won't take your calls.
5. There's a Century 21 sign on the east lawn.
4. Rich Little doesn't even bother getting your voice down.
3. You change your name to an unpronounceable symbol, but everyone still just calls you Prince.
2. Dukakis keeps asking if you want to split the price of a Winnebago.
1. You get Madonna pregnant.
Top 10 Things I Have To Do Before I Leave NBC - June 25, 1993 - The Final Show -
10. Drop off hairpiece at security desk.
9. Vacuum out Wendell and write down his mileage.
8. One final "turn your head and cough" visit to NBC nurse.
7. Steal my weight in office supplies.
6. Let my plastic surgeon step out and take a bow - this has been his show as much as mine.
5. One last hot-oil rubdown from the knowing hands of Mr. John Chancellor.
4. Return artificial leg to props department.
3. Get one more cheap laugh by saying the word "Buttafuoco."
2. Send change of address forms to that woman who breaks into my house.
1. Untie Willard.
Top Ten Ways The New Show Will Be Better - August 30, 1993
10. Kids watch free
9. No more relying on cheap G.E. jokes. (Unless we're really stuck)
8. My new "Rappin' Dave" character
7. Inhaling asbestos particles from renovation makes me extra "wacky"
6. If they applaud really loudly, everyone in tonight's audience gets a brand new car!
5. No more pressure to book NBC president Robert C. Wright's son-in-law, Marv Albert
4. It's the same show, better time, new sta--Oh, for the love of God, stop saying that!
3. I'm more focused since my break-up with Loni
2. Every Friday, Paul and I swap medication
1. A whole new wardrobe for Vanna!
Top Ten Things We Like About CBS - August 31, 1993
10. You got a problem? The CBS "family" takes care of it
9. The strong, understanding hands of Mr. Charles Kuralt
8. Doesn't have foul smelling disease-carrying bird mascot
7. When Angela Lansbury fixes your outboard motor, it stays fixed
6. Chance to see Harry Smith naked in CBS sauna
5. Have Canadian musical director that looks just like our old one
4. Candice Bergen curses like a sailor at company retreat
3. Three out of every five male employees named "Morley"
2. Whole nation touched by the heartfelt attempt of Dan Rather & Connie Chung to have a baby
1. Executives are a much more advanced form of weasel
Top Ten Signs Your New Job Isn't Working Out - September 1, 1993
10. You have a desk, but no chair
9. Co-workers always punching you in the stomach
8. You see CBS chairman Larry Tisch having dinner with Conan O'Brien
7. You get stung by a bee. (Not really a sign your new job isn't working out, but just as upsetting)
6. You work for NASA and your title is "Executive in charge of space probe quality control"
5. After work, you go nuts and throw firecrackers into a crowd of people
4. Your company physical is scheduled with Dr. Kevorkian
3. People start saying maybe they should have elected your wife Hillary president
2. In your one-page performance report, the word "sucks" appears twelve times
1. Your office nickname : "Deadwood"
Top Ten Possible Names For Demi's New Baby - September 1, 1993
8. Kemo Sabe
5. Dr. Pepper
Top Ten Rejected Names For The New Show - September 2, 1993
10. "Dave's Def Talk Show Jam"
9. "Bonehead at a Desk"
8. "Sally Jessy Letterman"
7. "Tell the Jokes and Watch Them Die"
6. "The Stolen Intellectual Property Show"
5. "The All-New Adventures of Necktie Boy"
4. "Senor Dave's Fiesta Del Cha-Cha"
3. "Dave Connection"
2. "The Million-Dollar Mistake"
1. "Paul Shaffer and Butthead"
Top Ten Numbers From One To Ten - September 3, 1993
(With Casey Casem reading the introductions, and Davereading the answers.)
"Starting off tonight's list at number ten :"
"Moving into single digits now, at number nine it's : "
"Making it's first appearance on the Top Ten list at number eight : "
"Number seven is a favorite of anyone who's ever been in love. Here it is : "
"At number six, and the countdown doesn't stop till we get to the top, it's : "
"Dropping three notches from last week's number two, here at number five is : "
"Holding steady at number four : "
"It's the square root of nine, and the first digit of pi. At number three, that's right, it's : "
"And now, before we hear number one, at number two : "
"And tonight's request and dedication goes out to a fifteen year old girl named Stephanie
from Omaha, Nebraska. Here's what she writes :
'Dear Casey, my boyfriend Bruce moved away last month because his father has a new job in
Buffalo and we miss each other terribly. It would mean a lot to both of us if you'd say
our favorite number.'
Well, Stephanie and Bruce, I'll do what I can to make things a little easier during this
difficult time. Here's your request, Stephanie and Bruce, your favorite number, debuting all
the way up at number one : "
Top Ten NASA Excuses For Losing The Mars Space Probe - September 6, 1993
10. "Mars probe? What Mars probe?"
9. Forgot to use The Club
8. Those lying weasels at Radio Shack
7. Too much Tang
6. Made by G.E.
5. Them Martians musta shot it down with a ray gun
4. Heh, heh, heh ... Our space probe sucks -- heh, heh, heh
3. At least we didn't blow all our money on some dork screwing around with a car phone
2. Remember Watergate? Well, Nixon's up to his old tricks again!
1. Space monkeys
Top Ten Bad Things About Living Longer - September 7, 1993
10. Seems like every time you turn around that damn Halley's comet is back
9. Would see great, great, great grandchildren marry moon men
8. (See Richards, Keith)
7. Shoulder-length ear hair
6. If you're a Mets fan you'd rather go early
5. More fantasies about Buddy Ebsen
4. Every time you sneeze, you break your hip
3. Eventually it's your turn to marry Zsa Zsa
2. While you grow to love Beavis, Butthead becomes almost unbearable
1. All the shoes
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot - September 8, 1993
10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey Pedro, what's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet."
7. Copilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you takeoff he yells, "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars Observer"
4. He's wearing a Domino's pizza uniform
3. Over the P.A. you hear "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
Al Gore's Top Ten Good Things About Being Vice President - September 8, 1993
10. Police escort gets you to the movies faster
9. You know that game, tetherball? I got to play tetherball with the inventor of tetherball
8. After they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens
7. If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads "President of the United States"
6. I get intellectual property rights to my speeches
5. Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice President's week on "Jeopardy"
4. You don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show
3. You get to eat all the french fries the President can't get to
2. Don't have to be good speller to get the job
1. Secret Service code name: "Buttafuoco"
Top Ten Signs Clinton Is Well Rested - September 9, 1993
10. No longer gets winded after pounding down a taco
9. Fewer outbursts about his trouble with Loni
8. Spent pleasant afternoon with this week's three newly discovered half brothers
7. Can drop Bob Dole with one punch
6. SeeSaws back and forth on important issues with renewed vigor
5. After intensive briefings by joint chiefs of staff, no longer says "Huh?"
4. Let's just say don't go knockin' on the Lincoln bedroom
3. Shouts "Yes!" before the counter girl can even finish asking "Do you want fries with"
2. He's fit and ready to take some of the workload from Hillary
1. Catching more mice than "Socks"
Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Crowd Cheer Wildly - September 10, 1993
10. The strippers are on the way!
9. Hey Clinton, tax this!
8. Drinking root beer makes you live longer
7. If you look under your seat, you'll find a nice, fresh grape
6. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome "Gilligan" himself, Mr. Bob Denver!
5. Every member of tonight's studio audience receives a free tattoo of Katharine Hepburn
4. We've just learned that Madonna will not appear naked for the remainder of the calendar year
3. Siskel and Ebert are getting married!
2. Fat guy slaps Richard Simmons so hard he's now crosseyed
1. The show's over. Good night!
Top Ten New Campbell Soup Slogans - September 13, 1993
10. M'm! M'm! Good! If eaten before April 1995
9. Free pennies inside every can!
8. Allnatural except the synthetic bacon
7. When there's absolutely nothing else in the house to eat
6. Hitler: Bad. Soup: Good.
5. The official food of Glen Campbell
4. Remember, chicks dig guys who eat soup
3. It's hot & wet!
2. Jimmy Stewart eats it, and he's damn near 150!
1. M'm! M'm! Sodium Benzoate!
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Yesterday - September 14, 1993
10. "What's Don King doing here?"
9. "That Clinton is much puffier in person"
8. "I've got Yitzhakmania!"
7. "Arafat Nachos! Get your Arafat nachos here!"
6. "Is it okay for me to start my speech now, Hillary?"
5. "You sign first" "No, you sign first" "No, you sign first" "No, you sign first"...
4. "Now do I have this right in America, if I have a million dollars, I can date Demi Moore?"
3. "Isn't Arafat kissing that guy a little too long?"
2. "Gaza! I thought you wanted rights to Zsa Zsa!"
1. "Yitzhak, Yasir. Yasir, Yitzhak."
Top Ten Rejected "60 Minutes" Stories - September 15, 1993
10. How come bald guys ain't got hair?
9. Morley fills his mouth with birdseed, yawns until a hummingbird flies in
8. The president's brother might be some kind of moron
7. Guys Mike Wallace made cry
6. TV newsmagazines whose name says they're a certain length, but when you subtract the commercials are really more like "44 minutes"
5. The 1970's disco group "Village People": Gay?
4. Mike Wallace is Beavis; Andy Rooney is Butthead
3. Is that Letterman's real hair?
2. Are Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters "Doing It"?
1. A few minutes with Mickey Rooney
Top Ten Ways To Make Arafat Angry - September 16, 1993
10. Load his burnoose with bees
9. Borrow some of his books on making explosives, don't return them
8. Don't let him in the room until he says "open sesame"
7. If he's chasing you, paint a tunnel entrance onto a big rock, then hide and watch as he runs straight into it
6. When you meet him, go "Whoa! You ain't exactly Omar Sharif, are you?"
5. Introduce him as chairman of the PTA
4. Show up at a party wearing the same tablecloth
3. Ask him why it's not PLO speedwagon anymore
2. In the middle of the cab ride, tell him you changed your mind and you want him to take you to Brooklyn
1. Shortsheet his head
Top Ten Highlights Of Clinton's HealthCare Plan - September 17, 1993
10. Al Gore: BandAid Czar
9. Every American man, woman and child gets a free cough drop!
8. If you give 10 bucks to the janitor at the organ bank, he'll let you touch the livers
7. Anyone with 20/20 vision can now collect royalties from the TV show "20/20"
6. No more plastic surgery for Nancy Reagan
5. All medical bills sent to Ross Perot
4. You break the record for alltime highest body temperature you keep the thermometer
3. Roger Clinton can write his own prescriptions
2. "Turn your head & cough" exam to be administered by the Gabor sister of your choice
1. Two words: sneeze tax
Top Ten Reasons To Watch CBS This Fall - September 20, 1993
10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless
8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a monkey
6. This year, on a special "60 minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity
5. We're Kuraltarific!
4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the way around
3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Talk Show Host - September 21, 1993
10. Always asking if you brought a clip
9. Whenever he leaves, he says "I'll be right back"
8. Invites you over for dinner and when you get there he tells you that you've been bumped
7. At his cookout, "Who wants hamburgers?" is written out on a cue card
6. When you ask him to return your lawnmower, he has a list of ten reasons why he doesn't have to
5. No particular sign just a statistical likelihood that if you're not a talk show host, you're neighbor is
4. Ed McMahon mows the lawn
3. He chases squirrels around yard with a microphone screaming, "Is the caller there?"
2. During the summer he gains an awful lot of weight
1. Five words: Applause sign in the bedroom
Top Ten Signs You've Lost Control Of Your Country - September 22, 1993
10. At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keepaway with your hat
9. People see you at the selfservice pump filling up your pacer
8. Sharp drop in sales of "Yeltsersizer" workout machine
7. Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency
6. You misspell "potato" and no one cares
5. Your mother asks if you want to move back in for a while
4. Ted Koppel cuts your interview short for a latebreaking story on the "Full House" twins
3. You're denied access to the presidential hookers
2. Domino's doesn't deliver your pizza for almost an hour, still makes you pay
1. Chicks no longer dig you
Top Ten New York Mets Excuses - September 23, 1993
10. All those empty seats are distracting
9. Part of a grand plan to make Florida Marlins overconfident next year
8. Pitchers on other teams throw the ball really fast!
7. Two words: Guaranteed contracts
6. Mistake to let Don Knotts bat cleanup
5. Play so much golf during season thought lowest score wins
4. Baseballs harder to throw than explosives
3. Drank Slurpee too fast; got a "brainfreeze"
2. Didn't scratch themselves enough
1. No one named "Mookie"
Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Tips For Making Your Man Happy - September 24, 1993
10. Ketchupflavored lipgloss
9. On special occasions, have the marine band play Fleetwood Mac hits
8. "Air force one mile high club"
7. Give him pep talks: "Compared to you, Lincoln was just a monkey in a top hat"
6. Lean close, put your mouth to his ear, and whisper, "Bubbaaaaaaa"
5. Spend plenty of time inside the beltway, if you know what I mean
4. Take him away for a quiet weekend of taxing and spending
3. Every once in a while, let him run the country
2. Add a little spice in the bedroom by dressing up as a McDonald's waitress
1. Two words: Fry everything
Top Ten Signs You've Come To The Show On A Bad Night - September 27, 1993
10. Rats in theater scrapper than usual
9. Everyone in your row is wearing handcuffs and a Riker's Island jumpsuit
8. I just sit in my chair & rock back & forth without uttering a word
7. First half hour: I get a throat culture. Second half hour: wait for results
6. Instead of real comedy, we take the standby audience to "Miss Saigon"
5. Gallagher's a guest and he forgot his watermelons
4. You're forced to view more home videos of me on the fourth of July after I gained a ton of weight
3. By first commercial I'm winky on bourbon
2. Ghost of Ed Sullivan appears before you and says "This one is gonna really, really blow"
1. Kathie Lee's out of stories about Cody
Top Ten Complaints Of The Biospherians - September 28, 1993
10. Bad planning to have everyone in there be named "Billy"
9. All the jokes about people who live in glass houses
8. Biotoast was usually bioburned
7. Cockroaches the size of lawn tractors
6. Completely missed two of Madonna's "new looks"
5. Sick of people calling us "Trekkies"
4. Never found Waldo
3. On second day, badminton birdie got stuck in rafters
2. Crazy woman who kept breaking in claiming to be "Mrs. Biosphere"
Top Ten Questions Congress Asked Hillary Clinton - September 29, 1993
10. "Sometimes I really get itchy is that covered?"
9. "Did Bubba buy you that purty ring?"
8. "How come you skirts always messin' with dudes minds?"
7. "Remember me? I played Gopher on 'The Love Boat'."
6. "Wait a minute so this has nothing to do with Clarence Thomas?"
5. "Will Burt's insurance still cover Loni?"
4. "Does this look infected?"
3. "I bet you're glad you didn't marry Dukakis, huh?"
2. "If he jogs every day, why's he so fat?"
1. "Have you chosen a running mate for '96?"
Top Ten Signs You Have No Friends - September 30, 1993
10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family plan
9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do you want to rent tonight?"
8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group
7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world
6. Your initials are G.S. and you own a major league baseball team in the Bronx
5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep, he's dead."
4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and tying them to the furniture
3. James Taylor sings first few bars of "You've Got A Friend," notices you in the audience, and stops
2. You're still drinking from the same keg you bought on New Year's Eve '87
1. All your phone calls start with "976"
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date - October 1, 1993
10. You can't think of anything else on your date except strangling Chuck Woolery
9. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
8. His multiple personalities begin arguing after dinner about splitting check
7. You find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time lifting his head out of the soup
6. He's been on "Geraldo" three times
5. After two beers he starts calling you "Mommy"
4. All she wants to talk about is how much she loves working for her boss, Heidi Fleiss
3. Every place you suggest for dinner, he says "Nah there might be cops there."
2. Insists that she was a virgin, but you know she was married to Sean Penn
1. He takes you to a Met game
Top Ten Rejected Freedom Airlines Slogans - October 4, 1993
10. Come take a ride on a flying ashtray
9. Remember: you can't spell 'tarmac' without 'tar'!
8. If sounds like a good idea to you, then you're just the kind of loser we're looking for
7. Every meal prepared by the loving hands of a creepy humanoid camel!
6. Soon we'll have gambling and hookers!
5. Will that be smoking or chainsmoking?
4. Fly the phlegmy skies!
3. Oxygen masks never had 'em, never will!
2. If he were still alive, the Marlboro man would have flown with us!
1. Kids cough free!
Top Ten Madonna's Hotel Demands - October 5, 1993
10. Complimentary handcuffs on pillow
9. 24hour leather repair
8. Must accept "Madonna Dollars"
7. Guy dressed like pirate who says "Aye, it's Madonna." whenever she enters room
6. Sheets changed every hour
5. Bath tub must fit entire soccer team
4. Gideon bible with "Thou shalt nots" edited out
3. If she leaves her bra outside the door, it should be returned polished the next morning
2. "Do not disturb" sign must be changed to "Please take a number"
1. A squad of pantsless bellboys
Top Ten Ways To Annoy A Supreme Court Justice - October 6, 1993
10. Say things like, "Hey, it's one o'clock in the afternoon, why the hell are you still in your robe?"
9. Eat exhibit A
8. Switch gavel with grand piano; Sit back and watch him try to pick up a grand piano
7. Whenever there's a quiet moment during a case, groan "Boooooring"
6. When he sentences you to life in prison, just yell "screw off," leave the courtroom, go have a nice afternoon at the movies
5. Shortsheet his robe
4. Keep asking, "Where's Rusty?"
3. He says, "Approach the bench." You say, "Approach this!"
2. Ask him to find a legal precedent that exempts talk show hosts from all posted speeds on the Hutchinson River Parkway
1. Release the robe chiggers
Top Ten Things That Will Get You On The Evening News - October 7, 1993
10. Drink Windex until you see a U.F.O.
9. Become famous in the field of the arts, science, politics, or what have you; then pass away
8. Get elected President and let your wife run the country while you eat nonstop
7. Retire from your 75 million dollar a year job in the NBA to catch up on Donahue
6. Ask Janet Reno out on a date, actually show up
5. Marry Sonny and Cher
4. Add an "E" to "Potato"
3. Host latenight talk show, then get pulled over for speeding
2. Beat the crap out of Barney in a Texas shopping mall
1. Two words: Tarmac haircut
Top Ten Ways Clinton Can Pay for the Health Care Plan - October 8, 1993
10. Rent out Al Gore for pony rides
9. Get Chelsea a paper route
8. Announce that the paper money in everybody's Monopoly box is now real money!
7. Put the squeeze on Oprah
6. Have Senator Ted Kennedy return all empties for deposit money
5. Put it on Hillary's MasterCard, let her figure it out
4. Collect $10 from every long lost halfbrother
3. You put $100 on black. If you win, now you got $200. You leave it. You win again, you got $400, you leave it...
2. Punch out Perot and take his wallet
1. Use his french fry money
Top Ten Things Columbus Would Say If He Landed In America Today - October 11, 1993
10. "I'm 542 years old and Willard Scott still won't wish me a happy birthday."
9. "I anchored my ship up here just a minute ago and now it's gone!"
8. "Ah, a Gap store! Finally, a familiar sight."
7. "Fabio! Put a shirt on! What's wrong with you?"
6. "I've come for silks, spices, and a shot at Madonna."
5. "Let me get this straight...you call this number and a lady talks dirty to you? Cool!"
4. "Bring me to Queen Oprah."
3. "Where can I get me one of them Thighmasters?"
2. "I'm ready to 'discover' a quart of Bud Light and some hookers."
1. "Hurry, I'm late for the Whoopi roast."
Top Ten Things Overheard On The Clintons' 18th Anniversary - October 13, 1993
10. "It looks like we may have to send backup troops into the Lincoln Bedroom."
9. "Honey, that cake was supposed to be for both of us."
8. "Yahoo! Now fer some hillbilly lovin!"
7. "Oooh! Janet Reno jumped out of the cake!"
6. "Is it all right if Al fills in for me tonight?"
5. "Tipper Newt, Newt Tipper."
4. "Can we wrap this up, Bill? I really should get back to work."
3. "We wouldn't have hired you to entertain if we'd known you'd dress up like that, Mr. Danson."
2. "Take me like Yeltsin took the Parliament Building."
1. "Oh, no. Roger's gonna sing!"
Top Ten Sign of Trouble in the Darryl Hannah/JFK. Jr. Relationship - October 14, 1993
10. She was overheard saying "Wait you're not President Kennedy?"
9. Loud public arguments over who's prettier
8. Lots of fingerpointing after they lost People magazine's "Sexiest Couple Alive" title
7. All of a sudden she doesn't want to wear the mermaid outfit in bed
6. Madonna's at the Garden
5. He keeps confusing her with Fabio
4. Every day, big fights over mirror time
3. He's jealous because she does better on Bar Exam
2. She's sick of him saying "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask if you can get me another beer"
1. Loni's available
Top Ten Reason's Hillary Won't Be Invited Back to "Sesame Street" - October 15, 1993
10. Announced government plans to rid the nation of talking frogs by 1996
9. Asked if she could spell "cat", she snapped "I'm a Yale graduate, you feltfaced freak!"
8. Two words: "Puppet Tax"
7. Mistook Oscar the Grouch for a rat. Beat him to death with a rake
6. Insisted on wearing totally inappropriate cone bra
5. She squeezed Big Bird a little too hard during the health care "Turn Your Head & Cough" segment
4. Demanded dressing room fridge be stocked with malt liquor
3. Told behindthescenes puppeteers "That's pretty much how I handle Bill"
2. She pulled one of those Ted Danson deals
1. Kept saying "Where the hell's Barney?"
Top Ten Dan Quayle's Complaints About Clinton - October 18, 1993
10. Embarrasses us in front of other countries by not devoting enough time to golf
9. When I see him on the news and wave to him, he doesn't wave back
8. National health care plan won't work because Clinton ain't no doctor
7. Not doing enough to help our boys on the Phillies beat Toronto
6. Passed over too many dumb guys to pick Al Gore as vice president
5. Gets all huffy when I forget to put the extra ketchups in his bag
4. He's some kind of brainiac superspeller
3. Didn't make "Captain Stubing" the Secretary of Defense
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The laughing man is Gavin MacLeod)
2. Taxing the rich may cause dad to cut my allowance
1. That funny "Beverly Hillbillies" accent
Top Ten Signs You Have a Dumb Dog - October 19, 1993
10. Lengthy pause after "bow" while it tries to remember "wow"
9. Buries tail, wags bones
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meatbyproducts
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's Gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good Congressman
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The laughing man is Gavin MacLeod)
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse and carriage to come out
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Good President - October 20, 1993
10. Picked up a lot of the jargon from Bush, like "congress" and "Washington"
9. Would be fun to see it spelled "NATOE"
8. Five words: State of the Union Flashcards
7. No need for Camp David; give him a box of styrofoam peanuts and he's entertained for hours!
6. New cabinet post: Secretary of Cartoons
5. Was allowed to visit the White House once during the Bush administration
4. Wouldn't be out of touch with concerns of the notsobright
3. America is the Love Boat, and he wants to be our Captain Stubing
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The laughing man is Gavin MacLeod)
2. His wife is smart enough to run the country
1. Four more years of Dan Quayle jokes
Top Ten Signs the Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before - October 21, 1993
10. After taking money, asks if you want receipt
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some chapstick
7. When he's done, he says "That was fun! Now you mug me!"
6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles
5. When you yell "Stop thief", he does
4. During police lineup, he waves to you and shouts "Remember me?"
3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if "Love Boat" hadn't been cancelled
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The laughing man is Gavin MacLeod)
2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla"
1. Accepts IOU's
Top Ten Signs Hillary is the Smartest Clinton - October 22, 1993
10. Buys jumbo sack of SlimJims at supermarket instead of paying jacked up prices at the 7Eleven
9. Unlike Bill, never gets head caught in the sink
8. Avoids them "Runway Haircuts"
7. Never orders more fries than she can eat
6. Let's Bill call himself "The President" when they're out in public
5. Technically just a hillbilly by marriage
4. Chelsea has yet to say "Daddy, could you help me with my homework?"
3. Took her three hours to explain to Bill how it's possible that Murray from "Mary Tyler Moore" looks just like Captain Stubing from "The Love Boat"
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The laughing man is Gavin MacLeod)
2. Owns a piece of Oprah
1. Her giant, thirtypound brain
Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series - October 25, 1993
10. French baseball chatter very disorienting
9. U.S. players get sleepy after standing through two national anthems
8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game winning zombies
7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax
6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul Shaffer
5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more
4. Stirring pregame talks, which always end with "Win one for Lorne Green"
3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians
2. Let's face it we're a bunch of "hosers"
Generic Top Ten List - October 26, 1993
10. We found Waldo and he's using a Thighmaster!
9. He got the crap kicked out of him by Richard Simmons
8. Two words: Whoopi Roast
7. Regular fries, large fries, Clintonsize fries
6. Groin pull!
5. Three more marriages and Liz Taylor wins a mountain bike
4. Madonna put "The Club" on her cone bra!
3. Get your hand off my ass, Senator Packwood
2. The Mets suck
1. Another pie, Oprah?
Top Ten Revelations In The Packwood Diary - October 27, 1993
10. Spends thousands of dollars a month on them teen chat lines
9. Bill Bradley usually beats the 24second clock (If you know what I mean)
8. Only ten percent of taxpayer's money went to Heidi Fleiss
7. Jesse Helms has never seen himself naked
6. One thing all of the Senators have in common...Madonna
5. Favorite pickup line: "If you've got the ways, I've got the means"
4. When he's too tired to go out, Packwood sometimes sexually harasses himself
3. Bob Dole? A woman
2. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's hat is often used as a birth control device
1. Senate pages say "Yea" more than "Nea"
Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated - October 28, 1993
10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
8. Four words: She's a hugging machine
7. All rooms in her hotels are now free! Seriously! Call 1 800 HELMSLEY right now to reserve yours!
6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison laundry
4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman
3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume
1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot - October 29, 1993
10. Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes
9. In the socalled "serum", you recognize a couple of Cheerios
8. When you walk into a room, people say "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"
7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu
6. The next day you find yourself on stage rubbing yourself with the Puerto Rican flag
5. It looks like chafing...it feels like chafing...but it isn't chafing
4. You got the shot from a street vendor
3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you wake up it's 2025 and your mission is to track down Wesley Snipes
2. Your skin darkens and you start saying awful things about Whoopi
1. Hives the size of melons
Top Ten Ways To Make The Pillsbury BakeOff More Exciting - November 1, 1993
10. Oven mitts full of angry hornets
9. To increase likelihood of thrilling bakeoff avalanche, hold bakeoff at bottom of snowcovered mountain
8. Claudia Schiffer marches around in nothing but a couple dabs of frosting
7. Allow steroids
6. See how long it takes to hail a cab at rush hour
5. President Clinton can attack at any time and try to eat your entry before the judges see it
4. First prize: $10,000. Second prize: Death!
3. All recipes must contain both "nitro" and "glycerin"
2. Have that little doughboy "do it" with Mrs. Butterworth
1. Guess what? That ain't meringue!
Top Ten Signs There's Voter Fraud In Your Precinct - November 2, 1993
10. You're handed a beard and instructed to vote again
9. "Voting machine" just an old dishwasher with candidates names pasted under control buttons
8. You spot Richard Nixon sneaking around in a wig and a dress
7. Whole place is manned by monkeys in paper hats
6. In the booth next to you Vincent Price
5. To prove your citizenship, volunteer asks for your bank card and PIN number
4. Guy shouts from back of room "Anybody got some more WhiteOut?"
3. Instead of a voting booth, they have you line up at a PortOSan
2. Senator Packwood is standing a little too close to you in the voting booth
1. The only two names on the ballot are Siskel and Ebert
Top Ten Good Things About Being Mayor of New York City - November 3, 1993
10. Get pot hole named after you
9. Mayor's table at Blimpie's
8. Every single day: Your weight in quarters from the Lincoln toll booth
7. The city is sparkling clean and free of crime, so it's not a very hard job
6. Any trouble, you just call Batman
5. It's the second most powerful position in N.Y., right behind the head of the Gambino family
4. Only one allowed to spit off top of Empire State Building
3. Full control of secret nuclear arsenal aimed at New Jersey
2. Every Tuesday: Hoagies with Sharpton
1. Chicks dig mayors
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Newt Gingrich" - November 4, 1993
10. Ging Newtrich
9. Gewt Ningrich
8. Nut Grinderswitch
7. Ghingis Newt
6. Mr. Goodwrench
5. Grinch Neutron
4. Newt Gringhers
3. Newtros NewtrosGingy
2. El Newto Gingricho
Top Ten Signs You've Elected A Bad Mayor - November 5, 1993
10. Just keeps repeating over and over again, "I'm sleepy"
9. Months after inauguration, still hasn't shown up at city hall
8. Campaign slogan: "What's in it for me?"
7. When confronted with a crisis, you overhear him mumble, "What would Norm on 'Cheers' do?"
6. His date for his inauguration is Heidi Fleiss
5. During acceptance speech, addresses voters as "suckers"
4. Last name: "McCheese"
3. Within hours after his inauguration, all water and electricity are shut off
2. The day after election day he wakes up naked on the Staten Island ferry
1. Raises taxes; lowers pants
Top Ten Parachute Guy Excuses - November 8, 1993
10. Was gooned on NyQuil
9. Life's dream was to make Marv Albert's blooper reel
8. El Nino!
7. Was trying to do that E.T. spacebicycle thing
6. Heard Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" one time too many
5. Got wrong address for "ParachuteOGram"
4. Three words: Too much Pepsi
3. Publicity stunt for new adventure series called "Superdork"
2. Upset by Ted/Whoopi breakup
1. Head 98% bone
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Gore Perot Debate - November 9, 1993
10. "Which one's Bowe and which one's Holyfield?"
9. "Damn, where's my index card with all my homespun witticisms?"
8. "Gore and Perot disagree on world trade but they slow dance beautifully together!"
7. "Wife #8 on your private line, Mr. King"
6. "How about I just buy Mexico?"
5. "What the hell was that Prize Wonderland thing?"
4. "Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but 98% of the country has now dozed off"
3. "Who are you calling stiff? You jugeared freak!"
2. "Thank you. I'm glad you think Mrs. Gore is a fox, Senator Packwood"
1. "Look out, parachute!"
Top Ten Signs Ross Perot Is Losing His Mind - November 10, 1993
10. Hired private detective to have himself followed
9. Kept offering Larry King a chance to go through his pockets
8. All he wants to do is get home and feed the chickens
7. Since June, has had four hysterical pregnancies
6. Started debate by rubbing Mexican flag between his legs
5. His ears still flap, but no longer in unison
4. Showed up for debate without Stockdale
3. Now up to five haircuts a day
2. Wants to be called Ross "Dice" Perot
1. Announced his engagement to Whoopi
Top Ten Disturbing Examples Of Violence On TV - November 11, 1993
10. The constant slapfights between Dan and Connie
9. The day an obviously drunk Jacques Cousteau beat up a manatee
8. Bob Barker's quickie neuterings at the end of "The Price is Right"
7. In special episode of "Family Matters", everyone gets stranded on an island and Urkel is killed for meat
6. Unknowing guest gets between Oprah and the buffet
5. Disgruntled postal worker week on "Jeopardy"
4. In "Madonna Live Down Under", back up singer is impaled on a cone bra
3. Malfunctioning Thighmaster beheads Suzanne Somers
2. Richard Simmons tries to hug a fat guy who knocks him unconscious with a 2 x 4
1. Kathie Lee kicks Regis in the ass
Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Time - November 12, 1993
10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns
9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor next time call a different escort service"
8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your windshield
7. "Whoa! Is it 8:15 already!?"
6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon
5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife
4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"
3. It's been 4 hours since she left for the ladies room
2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn
1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me"
Top Ten Things Overheard At The NYC Marathon - November 15, 1993
10. "Taxi finish line and step on it!"
9. "Fifteen thousand, three hundred and twenty eight steps. Fifteen thousand, three hundred and twenty nine steps..."
8. "Out of my way, Oprah!"
7. "For the last time, I don't want to be squeegied"
6. "I haven't seen this much chafing in midtown since the 'Girlie Tour' was here"
5. "I'm going to catch that Mexican or my name isn't H. Ross Perot"
4. "Faster! Here comes Lorena Bobbitt!"
3. "Congratulations on finishing the marathon. Now, give me your wallet"
2. "Would you please stop 'accidently' bumping into me, Senator Packwood"
1. "That ain't Gatorade!"
Top Ten Reasons Puerto Rico Does Not Want To Become A State - November 16, 1993
10. Pennsylvania's already "The Keystone State", and if you can't be "The Keystone State", what's the point?
9. Too disruptive to be towed by tug boat and welded on to Texas
8. Don't want to have to pay Clinton's Pina Colada tax
7. U.S. Teams keep getting ass kicked by Canadian teams in World Series
6. As a state it would attract more visits from Ross Perot
5. Alaska became a state, and look what happened it's freezing there!
4. To avoid spoiling U.S. flag, they'd have to share a star with New Jersey
3. That "Ready to Rumble" guy is just too annoying
2. Might have to sit next to Packwood in the Senate
1. Two words: Lorena Bobbitt
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses - November 17, 1993
410. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
9. Too much caffeine
8. What can I say? I love a good joke
7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their logical conclusion
5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
2. Was tired of playing "got your nose"
Top Ten NAFTA Provisions - November 18, 1993
10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a complimentary pair of NAFTA slacks
8. Like it or not, Bob Dylan has to do at least one Letterman show
7. Instead of airbag, Mexican built Chevrolets will have pinata
6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as much as they can carry
4. President Clinton has to split time between McDonald's and Taco Bell
3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie"
2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
1. "Pesos" now "Clintos"
Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Loosening Up - November 19, 1993
10. Blinks like it's going out of style
9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants
8. During NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude"
7. Shaved head to be backup singer in Madonna's Girlie Show
6. Tipper's exhausted (if you know what I mean)
5. He's been hangin' with Meat Loaf
4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and grabs onto buses
3. Goes on talk shows and says this:
(Here, they show a brief clip of Al Gore's appearance on the Late Show
2. No longer personally offended by Packwood's passes
1. Loosens tie during sex
Top Ten Demands Of The Striking Flight Attendants - November 22, 1993
10. Maximum of 1,000 "bye bye nows" per week
9. Actual cash bonus at Christmas instead of gallon of jet fuel in holiday container
8. No longer have to go "Oooh!" when pilot points out Grand Canyon
7. Every year on your birthday, you get a free flight to the moon, where a delicious birthday cake is waiting
6. No more Hulk Hogan inflight movies
5. Every now & then, just for fun, you get to shout, "Turbulence!" and dump a pot of hot coffee into a passenger's lap
4. No longer have to certify couples qualifying for Mile High Club
3. Option not to leave airplane when on the ground in New York
2. Pilots must keep their pants in the upright and locked position
1. Three words: Cockpit hot tub
Top Ten Deals Clinton Had To Make To Get NAFTA Through Congress - November 23, 1993
10. Drain Potomac, refill it with delicious root beer
9. Free for everyone who votes yes: Mexican artist does your portrait in black velvet
8. Must never wake Strom Thurmond again
7. Every Tuesday is wacky sombrero day at the Supreme Court
6. Giant Pentagonsize rum cake for Ted Kennedy
5. Tom Foley's fifteenyearold grandson now in charge of the Coast Guard
4. Won't wear jogging shorts in public anymore
3. Promise to show Tommy Lasorda swimming laps on national TV
(Tommy Lasorda was live via satellite all evening swimming laps in a pool)
2. Surgeon General: Lorena Bobbitt
1. Get Packwood a date with Charo
Senator Packwood's Top Ten Dating Tips - November 24, 1993
10. Use the word "alleged" a lot
9. Two words: transparent pants
8. Practice before date by groping a sack of potatoes
7. Gerrymander her constituency (if you know what I mean)
6. Surefire holiday gag: Offer her a "Christmas Goose"
5. Always wear thick rubber gloves when fondling radioactive material
4. Great opening line: "How would you like to be in my diary?"
3. Pretend to get phone call, tell her it's the President, and he says it's vitally important that I put my hand on your thigh
2. Always make Lorena Bobbitt walk through metal detector
1. Chicks dig senators
Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies In Times Square - November 25, 1993
10. "Turkey Sluts"
9. "The Pantsless Pilgrim"
8. "Debbie Does the Old Plymouth Colony"
7. "Jurassic Pork"
6. "Eat This"
5. "Candy and Her Yams"
4. "The Master Baster"
3. "Three Men and a Drumstick"
2. "Stuffing Miss Daisy"
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much - November 26, 1993
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the Earth's axis
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in midJuly
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram warning you to "Back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else
3. Getting off your couch requires help of the fire department
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt
1. You're sweatin' gravy
Top Ten Stores That Won't Do Much Business This Holiday Season - November 29, 1993
10. Price Gougers
9. Burt and Loni's Cozy Couple Shop
8. Toys "R" Defective
7. Every Item $7500
6. Crap Mart
5. The Really, Really, Really Limited
4. Hefty Lefties: The Store for LeftHanded Fat Guys
3. Gap for Bastards
2. Joey Buttafuoco's Auto Body Shop
1. Roseanne's Secret
Top Ten Signs The Nanny You've Hired Is Really A Man - November 30, 1993
10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble
9. Name on driver's license reads "Walter Payton"
8. Can bench press 450
7. After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep
6. Constantly adjusting herself
5. Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball
4. On day off, appears on "Geraldo"
3. Knows a little too much about "Mork"
2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt
1. The Bea Arthur factor
Top Ten Signs The Theater Is Too Cold - December 1, 1993
10. We're using flannel cue cards
9. Tonight's other guests have broken Sam Donaldson into pieces for kindling
8. Audience hardly laughing at Top Ten list
7. Madonna always performs on show fully clothed
6. Ed Sullivan looks fine even when we take him out of the cryogenic chamber for a couple hours
5. The rats are sluggish
4. My hairpiece becomes brittle and shatters when I laugh
3. After show I have to defrost my pants
2. Senator Packwood keeps his hands in his pockets
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa - December 2, 1993
10. He wears the Santa costume all year round
9. Tells salesgirls that "Me & Mrs. Claus have an understanding"
8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right"
7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs
6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute
5. Every day around 10 A.M. throws up on the down escalator
4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth
3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut
2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush
1. He's packin' heat
Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Tom And Roseanne - December 3, 1993
10. Guaranteed spot on "Geraldo"
9. In family Christmas card photo, you'll always be at the top of the pyramid
8. Two words: engagement tattoo
7. You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
6. They're really rich
5. On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
4. Finally satisfy your family who's been nagging you to settle down with some nice man and woman
3. Your very own fiveinch section of the bed
2. When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
1. No leftover wedding cake
Top Ten White House Christmas Traditions - December 13, 1993
10. String lights on Al Gore
9. Pentagon scientists bring over a few of their genetically engineered elves
8. Official reception for all new Clinton brothers discovered during past year
7. Send Christmas card with photograph of family having great time in White House to George and Barbara Bush
6. Special hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum
5. Instead of burning a Yule log they set fire to bundles of tax dollars collected from hardworking Americans like you & me
4. Marine choir sings "Silent Night" while Senator Kennedy chugs bowl of egg nog
3. One lucky elf gets to spend the night with Hillary
2. "Santa" Packwood begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap
1. Two words: Tipper Nog
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's New York Shopping Spree - December 14, 1993
10. "Do you have any shorter jogging shorts?"
9. "I don't gotta pay for stuff! I'm the damn President!"
8. "Begging the Presidents pardon but the 'high fallutin gizmo' is called an electric razor."
7. "Blitzen, Bubba. Bubba, Blitzen."
6. "You got any of them coffee mugs with 'Gennifer' on it?"
5. "Boy, New York City is really great this time of Hey, my wallet!"
4. "Mr. President, are you gonna watch Dave get shaved tonight?"
(Dave grew a beard over his vacation last week, and had it shaved on the
air this evening.)
3. "Look out, that's no elf that's Perot..."
2. "Mr. President, my name's Dan Quayle and I'll be your waiter tonight."
1. "Off my lap, tubby!"
Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Will Make A Good Husband - December 15, 1993
10. Carries MasterCard, Visa, and American Express
9. Tests show kids raised in casinos tend to be caring, responsible adults
8. Is it just me, or is he the most huggable thing this side of JFK Jr.?
7. He's a refined gentleman who keeps his personal life out of the press
6. Weasels mate for life
5. In 1987, paid Billy Dee Williams $10 million to teach him everything there is to know about kissing
4. The "Trump Shuttle", if you know what I mean
3. The prenuptial agreement is written in very romantic language
2. His bimbo girlfriends can double as babysitters
1. His pasty white thighs
Top Ten Real Reasons Les Aspin Is Leaving - December 16, 1993
10. Kept calling Clinton "President Bubba"
9. The nation's Defense Secretary shouldn't be scared to death of spiders
8. One word: Amway
7. Said he was "tired of hanging with a bunch of losers"
6. Don't ask, don't tell
5. Guilty admission that he'd stolen a hundred pairs of Clinton's shoes
4. Seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" made him aware of life options he never knew existed
3. Started every cabinet meeting by yelling, "Let's bomb the crap out of Canada!"
2. He and Lorena are going to try it again
1. Offered more money by CBS
Top Ten Things Overheard At The CBS Christmas Party - December 17, 1993
10. "Look at Angela Lansbury...'Blotto, She Wrote'."
9. "I'm sorry I dozed off, Mr. Rooney. Now what were you saying about how hard it is to open milk cartons?"
8. "Oh my God, that was no pinata that was really Walter Cronkite!"
7. "No fair! Morley Safer's hogging the karaoke machine!"
6. "More fudge Mr. Kuralt?"
5. "The dwarf who plays Murphy Brown's baby is sure putting away the booze!"
4. "Every year it's the same thing Letterman has a couple of drinks and breaks out his fiddle."
3. "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is giving turnyourhead&cough tests in the back room!"
2. "Now there's a switch Mike Wallace is exposing himself!"
1. "They used our Christmas bonuses to pay that idiot Letterman!"
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree - December 20, 1993
10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
5. Keeps heckling why you try to do a lame Top Ten list
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
2. Some guy named Mujibar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Trump Wedding - December 21, 1993
10. "Mother Theresa Nipsey Russel; Nipsey Russel Mother Theresa."
9. "What do you mean my credit's no good here? I'm the groom!"
8. "Wow, Boutros BoutrosGhali can really put away the Rob Roys!"
7. "That prenuptial agreement is signed, right? Okay, then I do."
6. "On no, Liz Taylor caught the bouquet!"
5. "I'm sorry, but there is no more cake, Mr. Limbaugh."
4. "How much longer before I get half of everything?"
3. "Whose turn is it to Heimlich Sharpton?"
2. "Look at Letterman alone on the couch chugging egg nog!"
1. "It's Ivana and she's got a steak knife!"
Top Ten Inaccuracies About The White House - December 22, 1993
10. The President's 1974 Plymouth Duster is up on blocks on the White House lawn
9. Dee Dee Myers' real name: Dee Dee Dee Dee Myers
8. White House has illegal hookup for HBO
7. No red "hotline" phone to Domino's
6. Forty people on staff just to say "Lookin' good, Mr. President"
5. Al Gore not allowed on good furniture
4. Lincoln bedroom doubles as Socks' litter box
3. Michael Jackson was hiding there for a while
2. Yes, we met Letterman, all he did was drink the egg nog
1. Everywhere you look: Big Mac wrappers
Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square - December 23, 1993
10. The Stocking Stuffer
9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer
8. Live On Stage! Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!
7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the D Train
6. Up Santa's Chimney
5. Miracle on 69th Street
4. Frosty the Butt Man
3. Rotating Pies
2. The Nutcrackers
1. That Ain't Egg Nog!
Top Ten Signs It's Cold In New York - December 27, 1993
10. Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm
9. You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants beneath you
8. Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
7. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
6. The hookers have on longjohns
5. Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick greenish paste
4. Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million tiny pieces
3. Headline in New York Post: Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs
2. You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!"
1. Everyone's wearing pants
Top Ten Ways Santa Relaxes - December 28, 1993
10. Tours with his good buddy Jerry Garcia
9. Hint: It involves a bowling ball and ten elves
8. Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee
7. Does "Fat Odd Couple" with Marlon Brando at Tahiti Dinner Theatre
6. Stuffs Mrs. Claus' stockings, if you know what I mean
5. Cuts costs for next Christmas by exchanging his stockpile of guns for toys
4. Has Arkansas state police rustle him up some babes
3. Eats Cheetos until his entire beard is orange
2. Two words: Strip joints!
1. Jacuzzi full of egg nog
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's Duck Hunting Trip - December 29, 1993
10. "Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?"
9. "Boy this is fun! You know, it really ought to be easier for people to get guns."
8. "Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba."
7. "It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of bigmouthed state troopers."
6. "You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck hunting."
5. "Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind."
4. "Trust me, Roger, it'll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run around in the weeds."
3. "When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot."
2. "Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches."
1. "Get me some coffee, Dukakis!"
Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting A Year End Bonus - December 30, 1993
10. Boss says "Nice work, Johnson", but your name isn't Johnson
9. Your desk and stapler are sold for scrap
8. You work for a company called "No YearEnd Bonuses, Inc."
7. Boss keeps saying "There's always that Publishers Clearinghouse thing"
6. You're the CBS guy who said, "Don't worry, there's no way we can lose the rights to NFL football"
5. You're the Director of Safety for Amtrak
4. The boss hands everyone bonus envelopes, but yours says "For display purposes only"
3. Year end review includes words like "dolt" and "jackass"
2. You're the only Connecticut State Trooper who hasn't written Letterman a ticket
1. You're Michael Jackson's P.R. guy
Top Ten Least Popular Alcoholic Beverages - December 31, 1993
10. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
9. DTrain Scotch
8. Amaretto Di Gotti
7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter Flavored Vodka
5. Dinty Moore's Pork N' Booze
4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila
2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0
1. Chivas Regis