Top Ten Things Overheard In Times Square On New Year's Eve - January 2, 1995
10. "I'm a New York public school graduate; what comes after 10, 9, 8?"
9. "Is Al Sharpton in a diaper really the best choice for Baby New Year?"
8. "Look at the fine detail. The workmanship. The craftsmanship. Dick Clark's face is amazing!"
7. "How much for the 9mm 'noisemaker'?"
6. "Wow! Almost as much vomit as St. Patrick's Day!"
5. "3...2...1...Now give me your wallet!"
4. "Look -- on top of the ball. It's Andrew Giuliani!"
3. "Cool! A giant pinata filled with rats!"
2. "You know, Dr. Elders, 'stroke of midnight' is just an expression."
1. "Auld Lang Syne this!"
Top Ten Signs Your New Governor Isn't Working Out - January 3, 1995
10. Instead of holding up his hand when being sworn in, he holds up his middle finger
9. Exchanges all dollars in state treasury for pesos
8. Shows up at first press conference dressed as Batman
7. When reminded of campaign promises, he says "Hey, I was a different person back then"
6. Orders state police to start rounding up babes "Arkansas-style"
5. No one knows why, but every carnival operating in the state has to show him their fat lady
4. He shows up to work with lunch box full of crack
3. Legally changes state's name to "Patakiland"
2. He's caught firing shots at his own home
1. Opens inaugural speech with "Hello, suckers!"
Top Ten Responsibilities Of The New Congressmen - January 4, 1995
10. Watch orientation film: "The Wonderful World of Graft and Kickbacks"
9. Bring bags of ice cubes up to Ted Kennedy's office
8. Sweep up the shell casings outside White House gate
7. Make sure Cher gets alimony check on time (Sonny Bono only)
6. Run the projector at Clarence Thomas' parties 5. Empty Jesse Helms' spittoon
4. Collect hair clippings from Capitol barber shop floor; start makin' wigs for Bob Dole
3. Start kissing Newt's ass
2. When finished kissing Newt's ass, consider kissing it a little more
1. Get fresh drinks for the hookers
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer - January 5, 1995
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-Sketch" on it
9. Its celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy
8. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car
7. You know them floppy disks? Well this baby's got a floppy keyboard!
6. You type in: "Need comedy bit for talk show"; it prints out: "stunt doubles"
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling
4. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up "Ain't it break-time, Chester?"
3. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito
1. It cyber-sucks!
Top Ten Signs Connie Chung Has Gone Nuts - January 6, 1995
10. Signed off evening news by French kissing Dan Rather
9. Shows up for interviews in Catwoman costume
8. Has accepted marriage proposal from Michael Jackson
7. "Born to co-anchor" tattoo
6. It was funny at first, but now I'm tired of her busting into my house
5. Closes every broadcast with a Helen Reddy song
4. Thinks CBS eye is watching her in dressing room
3. Yesterday at CBS commissary, knocked Mike Wallace senseless over the last burrito
2. Now trying to have a baby with Richard Simmons
1. While in bed with Maury, keeps yelling, "This just in!"
Top Ten Things OVERHEARD AT GRACELAND ON ELVIS' 60TH BIRTHDAY - January 9, 1995
10. "It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!"
9. "Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?"
8. "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson. The monkey will have to wait outside the gate"
7. "I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima"
6. "Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House!"
5. "Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!"
4. "My name is Mario Cuomo & I'll be your Graceland tour guide"
3. "It could've been worse. She could have married Tito"
2. "If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in here?'"
1. "I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!"
Top Ten SURPRISES IN THE FIRST TOM SNYDER SHOW - January 10, 1995
10. He spent the entire hour yelling, "I'm on TV! I'm on TV!"
9. Made guests sit on his lap
8. Referred to himself as "the artist formerly known as Tom Snyder"
7. Tom's wacky next-door neighbor? Kramer
6. Kept trying to sell viewers his "Snydic Track" exercise machine
5. His hairpiece is even worse than mine
4. On-air proposal to Lisa Marie
3. The dude be speaking Spanish
2. His Top Ten list got more laughs than ours
1. The nose ring
Top Ten DAN QUAYLE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS - January 11, 1995
10. "Isn't it time we had a decent golfer in the White House?"
9. "I'm not half as terrifying as that Newt guy"
8. "Don't worry -- the surgeons didn't touch my brain!"
7. "Vote for change -- vote for a Republican draft dodger!"
6. "Quayle is as Quayle does"
5. "Quayle: The Other White Meat"
4. "I promise I'll let Marilyn run the country"
3. "Starts with Q -- just like courage!"
2. "Not dumb and dumber. Dumbest"
Top Ten WAYS HILLARY CLINTON CAN IMPROVE HER IMAGE - January 12, 1995
10. Two words: Wonder Bra
9. Market her own wine cooler called "Whitewater"
8. Sneak up behind Warren Christopher at press conferences, yank on his jowls
7. Reveal real first name on "Seinfeld"
6. Model herself after the Quaker Oats guy like Barbara Bush did
5. If all else fails, bomb the hell out of Iraq
4. Show kids the dangers of crack by smoking some on "Meet the Press"
3. Make more public appearances with Letterman's mom
2. Start doin' it with the Newt-man
1. Lose Hillbilly Boy
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter - January 13, 1995
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage"
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check
Top Ten Announcements That Will Make New Yorkers Go Nuts - January 16, 1995
[Presented by New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani]
10. 100 dollar tax rebate each time someone gives you the finger!
9. Tap water now available in "chunky-style"! 8. Oprah is moving to New York!
7. Free tacos for all the ladies!
6. Letterman's splitting his paycheck with us!
5. New ordinance requires one Gap store per citizen!
4. The Upper West Side is now clothing-optional!
3. New law: lose your friend's brooch and you're going to jail for life!
2. The Ed Sullivan Theater is too damn cold!
1. We're invading New Jersey!
Top Ten Dallas Cowboy Excuses - January 17, 1995
10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills
9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth
8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels
7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal"
6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards
5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down
4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams
2. What a time to notice -- them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
1. Tired of going to Disneyland
Top Ten Chapter Titles In Newt Gingrich's Book - January 18, 1995
10. "My life on the streets as 'Newt Doggy Dogg'"
9. "A muzzle for Mother"
8. "101 funny anecdotes involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas and no pants"
7. "Bad idea: my one date with Barney Frank"
6. "Let's bomb Ontario!"
5. "'Nude' + 'cute' = 'Newt'!"
4. "Learning to live with Donahue's hair"
3. "How to make love to a woman 'Newty-style'"
2. "Betsy Ross: Man, that bitch could sew!"
1. "Kiss my Republican ass!"
Top Ten Signs Your Legal Team is Falling Apart - January 19, 1995
10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish
7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle this?"
6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers
5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs"
4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn
3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!"
2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers
Top Ten Ways The New York Rangers Spent Their Time Off - January 20, 1995[Presented by members of the New York Rangers hockey team]
10. Joy riding on the zamboni
9. Skeet shooting on the White House lawn
8. Watching Oprah!
7. You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades? That was me!
6. Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7 -- 300 times!
5. Trying to make time with Susan Powter
4. Playing golf with the Yankees
2. Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean
1. Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots
Top Ten San Diego Chargers Excuses - January 30, 1995
10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles
9. We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show
8. Some kid in Section E, Row 11 kept yelling, "Chargers Suck!"
7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are, not because we won some stupid game!
6. If only we'd had Shapiro and Chochran on defense
5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs
4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap!
3. Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about Kathie Lee
2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy
1. We've already been to Disneyland.
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive - January 31, 1995
10. When people see you, they ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and _____."
8. The best term to describe you is "Super Hairy."
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with reports of an escaped orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear the clerks murmuring, "Oh, God, no!"
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the sixth row. (Audience member leaves.)
2. Hookers always telling you, "Not on the first date."
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Judge Ito - February 1, 1995
10. Insist on taking the oath with your right hand on his beard
9. Point out that in Spanish "Judge Ito" means "Little Judge"
8. Introduce him to one of the Jackson family just so you can say: "Tito, Ito...Ito, Tito"
7. Pull robe over head. Spin. Push into street.
6. Tell him you thought he was great as Sulu on the old Star Trek
5. Keep calling his private phone number, ask to speak to Doug Llewellyn
4. Ask if you could have a conjugal visit with HIM
3. Put sugar in the gas tank of the lancemobile
2. Ask permission to have a television camera in his pants
1. Call him "Judge Beardo"
Top Ten Hot Dog Vendor Pickup Lines - February 2, 1995
10. I'm a hot dog vendor by day, a love machine by night.
9. If you're not a health inspector, I'd like to get to know you better.
8. I'm a close personal friend of Oscar Meyer.
7. You smell like sauerkraut.
6. When I think about you, I touch my hot dogs.
5. May I put your change in your pocket for you?
4. Are you beautiful, or am I loopy on bus fumes?
3. Please, I beg you -- I'm a very lonely man.
2. I'll make you queen of the wieners.
1. Kiss me and the dog is free.
Top Ten Least Convincing Alibis - February 3, 1995
10. I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard Simmons
9. Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant
8. Home watching CBS primetime
7. Playing Ping Pong wih Carol Channing
6. Out buying hams for the audience!
5. Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich
4. Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle
3. Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice
2. Alone in my room doing some of that Jocelyn Elders stuff
1. I'm Batman!
Top Ten Reasons Liz Taylor Is Divorcing Larry Fortensky - February 6, 1995
10. He kept asking for increases in his allowance
9. He was always whining about the chicken bones and empty soda cans in the bed
8. It dawned on her that she was married to Larry Fortensky
7. 20% Off coupon slipped under her windshield wiper by a local divorce lawyer
6. The liquor and pills finally wore off
5. He dozed off during their tenth daily screening of "National Velvet"
4. Every time they had sex she'd need a new hip
3. The "ungodly stench" he complained about turned out to be her latest fragrance
2. Suddenly, Michael Jackson was available
1. Force of habit
Top Ten Shocking Revelations In Clinton's New Biography - February 7, 1995
10. Regretted not serving in military after learning about the free meals
9. Has had sex in every Taco Bell in the District of Columbia
8. When he first entered the White House, he yelled "Look Hillary! Indoor plumbing!"
7. Only real father figure he ever had? Janet Reno
6. Secret goal: beat Wilt Chamberlain's career record of 20,000 women
5. Whatever his problems are, it ain't for lack of a good breakfast
4. As grade school homeroom representative, ordered safety patrol to round up cute girls
3. Privately refers to Newt Gingrich as "a bitch"
2. While studying at Oxford, got it on with the Queen
1. Real name: Bubba Bubba-Ghali
Top Ten Things Dan Rather Would Never Say On The CBS Evening News - February 8, 1995
10. I'm Dan Rather, your love anchor
9. Connie, mind if I borrow your mascara?
8. Wanna buy a fake Rolex?
7. And now a report from our White House correspondent, Howie Mandel
6. Maybe Letterman ought to spend some of that big-time TV money on better wigs
5. That's the news, I'm Oprah Winfrey
4. Hey, let's bomb Alaska!
3. Honey, I'll be home soon--have the tequila ready
2. Good evening. I'm Dan Rather and I'm not wearing pants
1. I made that last story up
Top Ten Signs Newt Gingrich Has Gone Mad With Power - February 9, 1995
10. Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel
9. Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton
8. Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico
7. U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" & "Newt Jersey"
6. Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold--and there's not a damn thing we can do about it!
5. Has written new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants"
4. Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe" with Sonny Bono
3. Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary
2. He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards
1. Two words: The crown
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Dropped Out of the Race - February 10, 1995
10. Manager at Dairy Queen wouldn't give him time off to campaign
9. Couldn't decide which Power Ranger to choose as running mate
8. Wants to devote more time to looking for Waldo
7. Has decided to run for President of Indiana instead
6. Didn't know whether or not there was an "e" at the end of Quayle
5. Afraid that if elected, he'd have to do whatever Hillary says
4. Doesn't want to live in a house that everybody keeps shooting at
3. Scared folks might find out he's one can short of a six-pack
2. Just signed to co-star with Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber 2"
1. He's yella
Top Ten Signs No One Wants To Be Your Valentine - February 13, 1995
10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
9. FOX is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
8. You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets
7. The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made Star Trek uniform
6. You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders
5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards--and you're a woman!
4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration
3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy
1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"
Top Ten Weird Looking Dogs from the 119th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show(accompanied by photos of dogs) - February 14, 1995
10. Obsessed with Wilford Brimley
9. Minoxydil in his Alpo
8. Picks up free HBO
7. Gooned on malt liquor
6. Previously owned by Lyle Lovett
5. Grand champion: static cling division
4. Needs a flea collar
3. On loan from a car wash
2. The third Menendez brother
1. Ed Sullivan Theater rat
Top Ten Things Overheard At Roseanne's Wedding - February 15, 1995
10. Honey, don't you think we should leave some cake for the guests
9. Friends of the bride and tabloid reporters posing as guests, sit to the right
8. Man-that Boutros Boutros can really dance!
7. I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding here
6. I've never seen a wedding toast made with gravy
5. The receiving line? It's over there next to the tattoo booth
4. I don't see your name on the guest list, Mr. Arnold
3. A 14-slice toaster! Perfect!
2. Do I get my sitcom now, Rosie?
1. I do...for now
Top Ten Ways New York City Is Cutting Back - February 16, 1995
10. From now on only one pantsless guy on D train
9. Calling 911 is now $3.99 for the first minute, $2.99 for each additional minute
8. Starting March 1, Brooklyn Bridge ends 75 feet short of Brooklyn
7. U-Drive 'EM subway trains
6. No more pension plan for hookers
5. Entire fire department replaced by one fast little mother with a bucket
4. EMS no longer responding to cases of Pataki fever
3. City will stop sandblasting and repainting Leona Helmsley
2. Letterman and Giuliani must share same hairpiece
1. Selling the Bronx to New Jersey
Top Ten Things that Sound Better when Sung by a Barbershop Quartet - February 17, 1995
10. We're not wearing underpants!
9. Hey! Does this look infected to you?
8. Lance Ito is neato!
7. My friend Jimmy was crushed by a giant squid! . We're freezing our asses off in here!
5. Letterman in person, you're one ugly bastard!
4. Boutros, Boutros, Boutros, Boutros, Boutros, Boutros, Ghali!
3. Give me your wallet or I'll kick you in the groin!
2. Good Lord almighty, this taxi cab smells like urine!
1. Bite Me! Bite Me! Bite Me!
Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team - February 20, 1995
10. You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip
8. They keep shouting "do over!"
7. When umpire yells, "strike three," batter looks at him as if the dude's speakin' French
6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals
5. First base: Siskel. Second Base: Ebert.
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "dinner time!"
3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups
2. You overhear the coach yelling, "run Forrest, run!"
1. They play like the Mets
Top Ten Things Overheard At the Republican Weekend - February 21, 1995
10. Hey, Rush--that pot roast is for everybody!
9. Why does everybody keep referring to this place as 'Newt Hampshire'?
8. Screw the election--let's go see that Brady Bunch movie!
7. Run for your lives! It's Eisenhower!
6. Once, I seen Dave Letterman open a ham using nothin' but a taxi cab!
5. We've all had it--Oprah just announced her candidacy!
4. Forget the issues--what do you boys think about O.J.?
3. Gerald Ford and George Bush just went to the golf course to kill a couple of spectators
2. My dream ticket in '96? Kemp and Gump!
1. Hey, Senator Dole--the Ito beard really works!
Top Ten Signs You Have Gambling Fever - February 23, 1995
10. At this year's Super Bowl, you lost $10,000 on the Buffalo Bills
9. Whenever you meet someone, you put a coin in his mouth and start yanking on his arm
8. You're wearin' green felt underpants
7. When you order at Wendy's you say, "I'd like to double down on some of them Biggie Fries
6. You just can't tear yourself away from the slots (VT of Mulibur)
5. You've got fifty bucks that says Judge Ito will wear a pink robe tomorrow
4. When they pass around the collection plate at church, you ask, "What kind of odds am I getting?"
3. After sex, you tell your wife, "Okay, double or nothing."
2. You're putting it all on Letterman for Best Supporting Actor
1. You owe Pete Rose money
Top Ten Questions Asked by Tourists Visiting New York City - February 24, 1995
10. Does it always smell like this? —Jaine from South Dakota
9. Do you think we'll ever see our luggage again? —Jon and Nancy from Massachusetts
8. Which way to the emergency room? —Paul from Florida
7. Five bucks for a lousy cup of coffee? —Stu from Illinois
6. Who's that gap-toothed fella with the world-famous Paul Shaffer? —Martin from Alabama
5. How do I get to Seinfeld's apartment? —Julie from Maine
4. What's with Mayor Giuliani's hair? —Judith from California
3. Is it true that the hot dogs in New York explode? —Lou from New Mexico
2. Which way to the hookers? —Craig from Pennsylvania
1. Go what myself? —Ed from Nevada
Top Ten Rejected McDonald's Slogans - February 27, 1995
10. Food, folks, and triple by-passes
9. Maximum taste -- minimum wage
8. Somewhat safer than smoking
7. Ronald McDonald touches most of the meat patties
6. Ask about our new McHookers
5. As mentioned by Kato Kaelin
4. Give us a week and we'll double your weight
3. We hear that Dave Thomas guy from Wendy's dresses up like a woman
2. Over 90 billion served -- to Clinton alone!
Top Ten Richard Simmons' Mardi Gras Tips - February 28, 1995
10. Don't wait for the oldies--just start sweatin'
9. Try a steaming bowl of Boutros Boutros-gumbo
8. If you wake up in a jail cell, call Letterman collect
7. No one wants to hear about Deal-A-Meal when they're gooned on rum
6. Load up your shorts with hundreds of live crawfish!
5. Hang with Hugh Downs--the man is an atomic party machine!
4. Look both ways before throwing up in the street
3. If at some point you find yourself standing in a wedding chapel next to Larry King, don't say "I do"
2. Don't just drink. Drink-ercise!
1. Show some ass, honey
Top Ten Celebrity Nicknames For Dave - March 1, 1995
10. Weasel Boy —Heather Locklear
9. Nurse Dave —George Clooney
8. Bonehead —Cybill Shepherd
7. Lucky —John Travolta
6. David Friggin' Letterman —Rosie O'Donnell
5. Lou —Mary Tyler Moore
4. Monkey Boy —John Goodman
3. Gump —Siskel and Ebert
2. Liberal Media Bubblehead —Senator Bob Dole
1. Cabin Boy —Helen Hunt
Top Ten Items On Judge Ito's Things-To-Do List - March 2, 1995
10. Robe shopping with Wapner
9. Lube and oil change for the Lancemobile
8. Consider Court TV's request to hook up a "beard-cam"
7. Slap a subpoena on Mrs. Ito, if you know what I mean
6. Rewind videos, return them to Clarence Thomas
5. Send photo and resume to casting director of "Matlock"
4. Summon Heidi Fleiss to chambers
3. Get O.J. to autograph book before I sentence him
2. End the damn trial so we can get on with our lives
1. Check beard for ticks
Top Ten Juror Pet Peeves - March 3, 1995
10. Marcia Clark's mini-skirts not mini enough
9. F. Lee Bailey always hogging the pizza
8. Keep getting in trouble for carving "Wapner Rules" into conference room table
7. With all the O.J. stories removed, "National Enquirer" only half a page long
6. Jury room almost as cold as Ed Sullivan Theater
5. Keep running out of quarters for Magic Fingers jury seat
4. Hard to listen to all that "blah-blah-blah" when you're trying to catnap
3. It's been over a month, and we still ain't met Matlock
2. Due to bureaucratic mix-up, your conjugal visit is with Richard Simmons
1. O.J. might wind up serving less time than us
Top Ten Signs Major Giuliani Has Gone Nuts - March 6, 1995
10. Appointed his hairpiece deputy mayor
9. Actually tried eating one of those street vendor hot dogs
8. Confessed to having a long-term affair with a Tenth Avenue pothole
7. Officially changed his name to Mayor McCheese
6. Thought sending the standby audience to The Gap was a good idea
5. Has vowed to "bomb Brooklyn back to the Stone Age"
4. Gracie Mansion now called "Melrose Place East"
3. Takes midnight strolls through Harlem in his underpants
2. Has ordered giant sculpture of himself next to Statue of Liberty with his hand on her ass
1. His new housekeeper? Rosa Lopez
Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With A Bad Bank - March 7, 1995
10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED.
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
Top Ten Rejected Methods Of Execution In N.Y. State - March 8, 1995
10. Lethal injection of street vendor hot dog water
9. Karate kick to the throat by Mayor Giuliani
8. Out-of-work Don Mattingly pounds you into hamburger with a Louisville Slugger
7. Blind date with some dude named Von Bulow
6. Being forced to watch Letterman do lame "warning labels" piece
5. Giant catapult that flings you to New Jersey
4. The exploding taxi (tape of taxi exploding)
3. They give you your own prime-time show on CBS
2. Act as your own executioner (Colin Ferguson only)
1. Lap dance from Al Sharpton
Top Ten Judge Ito Pickup Lines - March 10, 1995
10. I'm gonna slap you with a love subpoena
9. Mind if I pull a Kato Kaelin and stay at your house
8. I find you guilty -- of being a babe!
7. Care for a guided tour of my robe?
6. I have something that I hope you'll find admissable
5. May I check your coat?
4. How would you like to see my exhibit A?
3. Ever since Rosa Lopez left, I've been awfully lonely
2. Would you mind checking my beard for ticks
1. I'm Ito and your neato!
Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Daytime Talk Show - March 13, 1995
10. Whenever the host hands the microphone to an audience member, they say, "this really sucks!"
9. You can't tell the transexuals from the transvestites
8. Every day, the same subject: people who married their fiances
7. Host tells every panelist, "man, you are one screwed up freak"
6. Audience members keep asking, "can we go watch O.J.?"
5. Guests take turns slow-dancing with a tranquilized monkey
4. The topic is "let's look for Swedes"
3. It's just a guy whacking people with microphone (videotape of Dave)
2. It stars a small, absent-minded woman named "Rosa"
1. Host keeps asking, "what would Gump do?"
Top Ten New Slogans for New York City - March 14, 1995
10. New Jersey's psycho cousin
9. Squeegeeville, USA
8. Giuliani Land
7. The mug-me town
5. The Unmagic Kingdom
4. We whack 'em
3. Villa de Regis
2. The town so nice...actually, it's not so nice
1. The Big Oprah
Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Hospital - March 15, 1995
10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.
9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in.
8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.
7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "man, am I baked."
6. In operating room, they have one of these guys. (man in suit waving you in)
5. Every couple of minutes you hear a bugle playing taps.
4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.
3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.
2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "bring the damn scotch tape!"
1. Instead of "patient" they use the term "plaintiff."
Top Tens Signs Michael Jordan Is Out Of Shape - March 20, 1995
10. Played the whole 4th quarter in a golf cart
9. Constant interruptions in play because his loud wheezing sounds like a whistle
8. Now he's only three times as good as the rest of the players
7. More fans hurt by stray balls than at a presidential golf tournament
6. Indiana Pacers using my mom to guard him
5. Every timeout: two hot dogs and a big wad of cotton candy
4. Got winded giving the finger to Reggie Miller
3. Richard Simmons followed him home from yesterday's game
2. When he fakes left and moves right, his ass keeps goin' left
1. The gatorade I.V.
Top Ten Least Popular Breakfast Cereals - March 21, 1995
10. Cap'n Kato
9. Kellogg's Factory Floor Mystery Crunch
8. Al Sharpton's Frosted Medallions
7. Extra-Sharp Corn Flakes
6. Heidi Fleiss' Trix
4. Ordinary K
3. Fruit 'n' Flounder
2. Ito's Bits-o-Beard
Top Ten Surprises in Kato Kaelin's Testimony - March 22, 1995
10. Kept high-fiving Judge Ito and saying "bitchin' beard, Dude!"
9. At swearing-in, asked "you mean, like, I can't lie at all?"
8. He was an original member of the rock group ABBA
7. Repeatedly called Marcia Clark "mommy"
6. For last few months, he's been spending the night under Judge Ito's robe.
5. Once got really desperate and traded O.J.'s Heisman for a case of hair mousse
4. Shocking revelation that he's a long-lost Menendez brother
3. Was ABC's first choice to host the Academy Awards
2. Stumped when asked to spell "O.J."
1. Nickname: "Kato," real name: "Dorko"
Top Ten Complaints About This Year's Academy Awards - April 3, 1995
10. VCR ran out of tape after first 9 hours
9. Instead of cutting off Martin Landau, the orchestra should have cut off the "Uma, Oprah" stuff
8. The way the guys from Price Waterhouse reeked of tequila
7. Backstage, snarling Roger Ebert kept people away from buffet table
6. Five words: Letterman is as Letterman does
5. Several reports that Ernest Borgnine "smelled funny"
4. Much of the show apparently written by Nell
3. The Oscars weren't properly grounded (video of Letterman getting shocked)
2. The new "anatomically correct" Oscar
Top Ten Ways The Mets Can Improve This Year - April 4, 1995
10. Don't just suck -- suck 110%
9. Require players to bet on games so they care about outcome
8. Instead of baseball hats -- Donahue wigs
7. No beers till the seventh inning
6. A little less "polishing the bat," if you know what I mean
5. Wait at least until All-Star break to get indicted
4. Stop letting Kato Kaelin sleep in the dugout
3. Two words: Coach Gump
2. Forget about having Letterman host annual awards banquet
1. Keep the replacements
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Addicted To Gambling - April 5, 1995
10. Keeps asking if he can double down on some cookies
9. Has converted hamster's treadmill into a crude roulette wheel
8. For a six year old, he seems to know too much about jai-alai
7. His school lunches are comped
6. Knows the Vegas odds on where Waldo might be
5. There's a bookie sleeping in his tree-house
4. Changed his middle name to "The Greek"
3. He's 9 and he's dating a showgirl
2. Says things like "Daddy needs a new skateboard"
1. He likes to ride Amtrak
Top Ten Signs Judge Ito Has Lost Control of the Courtroom - April 7, 1995
10. Allowed F. Lee Bailey to introduce his pants into evidence
9. The stenographer stopped takin' notes weeks ago
8. Prosecution and defense now face off in atlas-spheres from "American Gladiators"
7. Every 15 minutes he calls a recess so O.J. can sign footballs
6. Attorneys and witnesses beat the hell out of each other (VT: Mujibar & Sirajul)
5. On Friday, to lighten the mood, court personnel encouraged to show up dressed as their favorite Star Trek character
4. Nobody can hear testimony when F. Lee Bailey makes daiquiris in blender
3. He's been having conjugal visits with transvestite he kicked out of courtroom (Cut to Gerry in audience)
2. That Kato dude is livin' in the jury box
1. Shaved Court TV logo into beard
Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant - April 10, 1995
10. You hear him on the phone saying, "Have I ever let you down, Leona?"
9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS
8. His "short form" looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin
7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent
6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as "charitable donation"
5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County
4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.'s defense fund
3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as "sucker"
2. At least five times, he says "here's a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry."
1. He makes you wear a hospital gown
Top Ten Suprises in Roger Clinton's Book Growing Up Clinton - April 12, 1995
10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the army said, "no, thanks"
9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese outfit
8. He's half Clinton, half Piscopo
7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent three months chasing an armadilloacross the Mojave Desert
6. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the reflecting pool
5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump"
4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as "one-term Bubba"
3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance (VT of Kato dancing)
2. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea
1. He voted for Perot
Top Ten Easter Bunny Pick-Up Lines - April 14, 1995
10. There's a easter parade in my pants...wanna go?
9. Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass?
8. I'll show you where easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!
7. You're not Jewish, are you?
6. I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece
5. I'm being managed by Don King again
4. I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips
3. Ever get it on with a rodent?
2. My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky
1. I'm in the mood to multiply
Top Ten IRS Agent Pet Peeves - April 17, 1995
10. People that claim charitable donation for watching CBS primetime shows
9. Everybody thinks rock stars get all the chicks -- but the truth is, chicks dig IRS agents
8. People who fill out their tax forms with mustard
7. H. Block always showing up at audits claiming he "forgot" his pants
6. When Janet Reno offers to settle up with sexual favors
5. Guys who keep sayin' yeah I got your long form right here!
4. People who pronounce IRS "erzz"
3. H & R Block accountants who are too busy eating steak to file on time (VT of H & R Block guy from act one)
2. Letterman reporting his total year's income as $15,000
1. Three syllables: Leona
Top Ten Suprises in Kato Kaelin's Book - April 18, 1995
10. Is seeking endorsement deal with Castro Convertibles
9. Includes a second-by-second account of his entire fifteen minutes of fame
8. Receives $100 royalty check every times someone says, "dude -- mind if I crash here?"
7. Attended Harvard, where he earned a "Bachelor of Houseboy Arts"
6. Most California forest fires sparked by his poorly-grounded blow-dryer
5. He sometimes works as a Kathie Lee impersonator
4. During court appearance, thought he was testifying against Pauly Shore
3. Claims Marcia Clark stole her new hairstyle from him
2. Recently been crashing at "La Casa de Fung"
1. He's actually the third Menendez brother!
Top Ten Other City's New Slogans - April 19, 1995
10. We've got bourbon that'll knock you on your butt!
—Mayor Jerry Abramson -- Louisville, Kentucky
9. In San Francisco you lose your heart, in New York you lose your wallet!
—Mayor Frank Jordan -- San Francisco, California
8. Could we interest you in some salt?
—Mayor DeeDee Corradini -- Salt Lake City, Utah
7. If you call it Spo-kane, we'll smack you with pine tree!
—Mayor Jack Gair-a-dee -- Spo-can, Washington
6. Where it never gets as cold as the Ed Sullivan Theater!
—Mayor Seymour Gelber -- Miami Beach Florida
5. Dallas, starts with a Big D just like Dave and Dr. Pepper!
—Mayor Steve Bartlett -- Dallas, Texas
4. Somewhere between California and Washington, that's where you'll find us!
—Mayor Vera Katz -- Portland, Oregon
3. We've got Mujibur!
—Mayor Sirajul Islam -- Trenton, New Jersey
2. Floods, fires and fun!
—Mayor Richard Reardon -- Los Angeles, California
1. Kiss our arch!
—Mayor Freeman R. Bosley, Jr. -- St. Louis, Missouri
Top Ten Worst Jobs in the U.S. - April 20, 1995
10. John Madden's masseuse
9. The guy that gathers live beetles for Morley Safer's lunch
8. T.V. repairman in Amish country
7. Campaign director for Clinton '96
6. Hooker at Star Trek convention
5. Bodyguard/husband, Roseanne
4. Commercial salesman for CBS prime time
3. Hosting the Academy Awards
2. Babysitter for the Menendez brothers
1. Being Fabio
Top Ten Dolly Parton Pet Peeves - April 21, 1995
10. Accountants who don't understand how much it costs to make me look this cheap
9. Trying to play guitar with three-inch fingernails
8. When the country declares my hair a fire hazard
7. Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties
6. You can't get a wig repaired because Letterman's got some kind of hairpiece crisis
5. Rhinestone rash
4. Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks tries to shoplift stuff under that big hat
3. Smartass emcees who introduce you by saying, "and now here they are -- Dolly Parton!"
2. When the Super Bowl is over, winner never says, "I'm goin' to Dollywood"
1. Nobody notices I've got a great ass, too
Top Ten Surprises in Clinton's Whitewater Testimony - April 24, 1995
10. Planned to build a house there for Paula Jones
9. Person who suggested investing in Whitewater now recommending CBS stock
8. Thought he was buying the Beverly Hillbillies old place
7. Once tried to elevate Mayor McCheese to cabinet level
6. Admitted that he'd once sexually harassed himself
5. According to his F.B.I. sources, that "Rupaul" chick is actually a dude!
4. Clintons' financial advisor at the time was Roger.
3. His lawyer tossed a French fry into his mouth after every good answer.
2. That "Oprah/Uma" thing was Hillary's idea.
1. His only witness...Rosa Lopez
Top Ten Signs That Disney Is Having A Bad Year - April 25, 1995
10. The beast, of Beauty and the Beast? Sold for fur
9. Minnie Mouse accepted a marriage proposal from Larry King
8. Funny smell coming from the chamber where they keep the frozen body of Walt Disney
7. Mickey's been punching out more photographers than usual (I'm sorry, that's Mickey Rourke)
6. Actually going forward with construction of Katoworld
5. Country bears too drunk to sit up, let alone jamboree
4. Disneyworld restaurants serving mouse-ka-bobs
3. Lots of complaints about the "The Goofy Movie's" white bronco scene
2. Letterman set to host annual stockholder's meeting
1. Newest ride: Limbaugh Mountain
Top Ten Good Things About Playing Baseball in New York - April 26, 1995
10. If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a car window, hey it's just another busted car window
—Right Fielder - Danny Tartabull
9. Free bus fumes while you work out
—Center Fielder - Bernie Williams
8. Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride to the stadium
—Second Baseman - Pat Kelly
7. Vendors selling corked hot dogs
—Catcher - Mike Stanley
6. New York has the nation's most affordable bail bondsmen
—Pitcher - Steve Howe
5. Plenty of spit for spitballs
—First Baseman - Don Mattingly
4. After the game, if you don't take a shower, everyone just assumes it's the city that stinks
—Third Baseman - Wade Boggs
3. The greatest fans in the world always shouting, 'Mets suck!'
—Left Fielder - Luis Polonia
2. Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the World Series, that with one phone call, we could get the opposing pitcher whacked
—Manager - Buck Showalter
1. Two words: Rat Night
—Shortstop - Tony Fernandez
Top Ten Things Overheard On Take Our Daughters To Work Day - April 27, 1995
10. Over-ruled, Mr. Shapiro -- Ms. Clark's daughter may conduct the cross-examination
9. ...and over there is the mud we wrestle in
8. Who would have guessed that Richard Simmons had a daughter?
7. Insert your own Woody Allen joke here
6. Let me get this straight...now Chelsea's in charge?
5. Hurry up, sweetie, just cock the hammer and fire at the bad guy
4. Okay, the final score is Mets Daughters 8, Mets 0
3. Judge Ito, your daughter has such a lovely beard
2. I can't believe Letterman made all his kids put on that horrible clown makeup
1. I don't wanna go to CBS! I wanna go home!
Top Ten Ways To Make Basketball More Exciting - April 28, 1995
10. Technical foul equals loss of possession and pants
9. Ball dangerously overinflated with hydrogen
8. If a fan throws something from the stands and it goes in the basket, it counts for his team
7. Players ride around the court on angry llamas
6. Three words: Giant flyin' rats (shot of flyin' rat)
5. Shot worth 10 points if you bounce it off an opponent's head
4. Players must constantly shout name of shoe company they have an endorsement deal with
3. Michael Jordan still gets to use a baseball bat
2. Get a couple of new play-by-play guys for Marv Albert (vt Mujibur and Sirajul)
1. Make a foul shot, win a car!
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Press Dinner - May 1, 1995
10. Hey, Limbaugh, those dumplings are for everybody
9. Media guys and politicians: it's like a Woodstock for weasels!
8. This punch must be strong -- Helen Thomas has taken her top off!
7. Oh no! One of Sam Donaldson's eyebrows fell in the chowder!
6. I'm sorry Mr. Letterman, we already have a host
5. Get off the table Socks!
4. Get off the table Newt!
3. Hey Quayle! They need more ice water at tables 3 & 4!
2. I don't care who they nominate -- I'm voting for Kato!
1. Who's the fat dude with Hillary?
Top Ten Other Reasons People Are Suing McDonald's - May 2, 1995
10. One in every 50 McNuggets has a pink, cord-like tail
9. Filet-o-Fish actually just deep fried plywood
8. You know those fancy french fries? Them boys ain't exactly coming from France
7. A woman from Delaware ate three big Macs at one sitting, and her ass inflated so rapidly that her car turned over
6. Mayor McCheese videotaped in hotel room smoking ketchup-flavored crack
5. Red clown hairs in the fries
4. Grimace keeps breaks into furniture stores and trying to mate with the bean-bag chairs
3. Found a McNail in the McNuggets
2. When asking, "would you like fries with that?" counterperson forgot to add "Mr. President" (roll Clinton graphic)
1. That ain't special sauce
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Off The O.J. Jury - May 3, 1995
10. Ask for a conjugal visit with F. Lee Bailey
9. Giggle uncontrollably everytime someone says "subpoena"
8. Goose the bailiff
7. Everytime anyone even mentions the name O.J., yell "The Juiceman!"
6. Get a lift to the courthouse from Al Cowlings
5. Keep asking, "When do we get to meet the Menendez Brothers?"
4. Wear a "D'Amato for Senate" button
3. Dan, do you have one? (Dan Rather VT: stand up and yell "Wapner!")
2. Drop your pants and say, "dismiss this!"
1. Keep frisking yourself
Top Ten Signs Your Broadway Show is Going to Close - May 4, 1995
10. They're converting your theater lobby into a Gap
9. For the last three performances, they haven't bothered to raise the curtain
8. On typical night, many of the boos come from cast members
7. Just no chemistry between romantic leads Valerie Harper and Mr. T
6. New York Times review includes the word "sucks" 64 times
5. Last six matinee crowds were bussed in from Riker's Island
4. Every cast member is a former replacement Met
3. Some of your fellow cats sold to laboratories for testing
2. The only people who show up are these guys (video tape of audience full of Daves)
1. It's produced by CBS
Top Ten Ways To Make The Kentucky Derby More Exciting - May 5, 1995
10. Horses must run last 25 yards on hindlegs
9. Last-place finisher becomes part of that evening's "surf 'n' turf special" at Churchill Downs Restaurant
8. Winning horse gets to do victory lap dragging a hog-tied G. Gordon Liddy
7. At the finish line, a giant pit of macaroni and cheese
6. Put a saddle on Rush Limbaugh
5. Instead of horses, really fast cars
4. Jockeys wear nothing but jockeys
3. Siskel and Ebert in a horse costume
2. Let Letterman entertain the horses (VT of Dave fiddling)
1. Three words: Super Fat Jockeys
Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch - May 11, 1995
10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulis
9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in
8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies
7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name is Steve"
6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it
5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter
4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray
3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head (vt)
2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet
1. Chicken a la Don King
Top Ten British Nicknames for Americans - May 15, 1995
10. Star Spangled Ninnies
-Postman Paul Davidson
9. Kmart Cowboys
-Chauffeur Daniel McCool
-Nurse Helen Shaw
-Butler Alex Paterson
6. Velveeta eating hyenas
-Oxford professor Norman Lawrence
5. Regis Loving Geeks
-Fish & Chips shop manager Elizbeth Hannah
4. Mighty Morphin Pinheads
-Pub employee Lee Dorrington
3. Tea dumping psychos
-British Airways flight attendant Jimmy Clarke
2. Jerks 90210
-Barrister Stanley Evans
-Poet Ivor Fishbone
Top Ten Words That Sound Cool When Spoken By London's Town Crier - May 16, 1995
8. Bitchin' Dude!
7. Snoop Doggy Dogg
6. Zsa Zsa
4. Yabba Dabba Doo
3. Mujibur and Sirajul
1. Crappy American Talk Show
Top Ten Rejected Pub Names - May 17, 1995
10. The Bloated Ebert
9. The Duke of Pants
8. The Jolly Giuliani
7. The Lactose-Intolerant Monkey
6. The Drunken Monkey
5. The Guilded Pataki
4. The Bearded Ito
3. The Boutros Boutros-Drunkie
2. The Gap-Toothed Talk Show Weasel
1. T.G.I. Fergie's
Top Ten Reasons John Cleese Could Not Be On Our Program - May 18, 1995
10. Mother won't let me.
9. I have to wash my hair tonight.
8. It's my turn to be a witness at the O.J. Simpson trial.
7. My recent marriage to Larry King.
6. I'm busy rehearsing my one-man show, 'Congressman! A Tribute to Sonny Bono.'
5. Tonight's the night I bowl with the royals.
4. I've heard your dressing rooms have rats the size of beagles.
3. I have a nasty case of don't-want-to-be-on-your-worthless-program-itis.
2. I'm getting ready to host next year's Oscars.
1. Frankly, I haven't the slightest clue who David Lettersby is.
Top Ten Bobby Pet Peeves - May 19, 1995
10. When the missus uses my hat to make potato salad.
9. When that smartass Sherlock Holmes makes us look bad.
8. Hat jackings (videotape of Bobby's hat being stolen).
7. The way these tall hats make your hair grow like Lyle Lovett.
6. Letterman and his damn speeding!
5. People who mix you up with that Bobbitt fellow.
4. It's bloody difficult to get Dunkin Donuts over here.
3. Guys who eat pork chops for breakfast.
2. When the queen gooses you and you can't do a bloody thing about it.
1. Yank chat shows and their bloody rotten jokes.
Top Ten Real Reasons Connie Chung is Leaving CBS - May 22, 1995
10. Never got comfortable with the rule about she and Dan showering together
9. During newscasts, kept mistakenly calling Bill Clinton "Jed Clampett"
8. She's going to be Mrs. Larry King #9
7. Wants to devote herself full-time to taking care of her pregnant husband, Maury
6. Tired of Dan laughing whenever she said the phrase "penal code"
5. Same reason that those who could left the Titanic
4. CBS forcing her to change name to Dr. Chung, Anchor Woman
3. Woke up one morning and thought: "Oh my God. I'm on CBS!"
2. Two years co-anchoring with Dan and still no baby
1. Her last two paychecks bounced
Top Ten Signs the N.Y.P.D. Is Out Of Control - May 23, 1995
10. Besides handcuffs, officers carrying chains and leather whips
9. Many have appeared on both "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted"
8. Emptying service revolvers into donut racks to see which have jelly
7. They drive around Wall Street in a Sherman tank, shooting accountants in the ass
6. We're 20 games into the season and they still haven't arrested a single New York Met
5. Instead of sirens, squad cars now blaring John Tesh
4. From the back they all look like Ebert
3. Any chance they get, they take off clothes and do push-ups (VT of Smits)
2. They spend most of their time frisking themselves
1. Goodbye, uniforms -- hello Batman outfits!
Top Ten Least Popular Circus Snacks - May 24, 1995
10. Cotton candy with sawdust
9. Big Top sushi
8. Lobster Boy bisque
7. Clown nose on a stick
6. Monkey pops
5. Wig squeezins
4. Trapeze cheese
3. Stuff combed out of the bearded lady
2. Stunned mouse in a dixie cup
Top Ten Reasons America is the Greatest Country on Earth - May 25, 1995
10. Liberal laws allow you to make millions by spilling McDonald's coffee in your lap
9. We got Regis!
8. Swedes would be lucky to have one flavor of Pringles, hey Gustav! We've got ten!
7. Only country where you can murder two people and then get on TV every day!
6. In New York City, people of all different races and creeds give each other the finger equally
5. Where else could a guy have hit records with a middle name like "Doggy" and a first name like "Snoop"
4. Average citizens can just hop right over the White House fence and go visit the President
3. Sailors pass out candy!
2. Ya-hoo! A hillbilly chief executive!
1. Two words: Slim Jims
Top Ten Joey Buttafuoco's Summer Fun Tips - May 26, 1995
10. Go to swimsuit shop and grope the mannequins
9. When you pick up chicks at the beach, ask them up front not to shoot your wife in the head
8. Drop by Janet Reno's place with a pitcher of sangria: hope for the best
7. Put a quart of tequila and a bag of Cheetos in a blender, and thank me later
6. Wear light, loose-fitting clothing when soliciting hookers
5. See how many dirty words you can make from the letters in your last name
4. Jump White House fence and offer Hillary 50 bucks for a lap dance
3. Show off tan line from handcuffs
2. Travel around the country making an ass out of yourself
1. Try to nail anything that moves
Top Ten Ways Larry King is Celebrating His 10th Anniversary - June 05, 1995
10. Leisurely stroll down beach in nothing but suspenders
9. Evening of wine and slow dancing with Wolf Blitzer
8. Tying all his suspenders end-to-end and slingshotting himself to Neptune
7. Getting really drunk and riding Janet Reno around town
6. Hiring dominatrix to tie him up in suspenders
5. A one-time gathering of all Mrs. Kings called "wife-a-palooza"
4. Having suspenders permanently tattooed on his chest
3. Quiet romantic dinner with Marlon (VT of Larry kissing Brando)
2. Pulling his suspenders so tight his head and ass switch places
1. New co-host, Connie Chung
Top Ten Bob Dole Complaints About Hollywood - June 06, 1995
10. Why pay seven bucks to see boozing and adultery when you can watch Democrats for free?
9. No Academy Award for grouchiest Senator
8. Not enough Fonzie
7. In "Don Juan DeMarco," Marlon Brando shows way to much cleavage
6. Those "Baywatch" babes never seem to get it on with conservative old coots
5. Why couldn't Gump shake hands with a Senate Majority Leader instead of President Kennedy?
4. Casper the Friendly Ghost? more like "Casper the Bare-Ass Naked Ghost!"
3. Gets sick to stomach watching Letterman at the concession stand (VT of Dave)
2. Dumb and Dumber was clearly propaganda for the Clinton/Gore ticket
1. That creepy Richard Simmons guy (Richard busts in and takes card)
Top Ten Rejected Disney Movies - June 07, 1995
10. 101 Snoop Doggy Dogs
9. Beauty and the Baldwin Brother
8. Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction
7. Newt!: The Musical
6. Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence
5. Barry White and the Seven Dwarves
4. Mickey and the Dismissed Juror
3. Fievel Visits a Gay Disco
2. The Parent Trap '95, starring Lyle and Erik Menendez
1. Swiss Family Buttafuoco
Top Ten Other Theme Restaurants Coming to 57th Street - June 08, 1995
10. Bubba's One-Term Buffet
9. Bruce Willis' Salad Bar with a Vengeance
8. The world's first restaurant based on the "The Jeffersons:" Planet Weezie
7. Anfernee Hardaway's Refteront
6. The Giant Ass Cafe (a hangout for celebrities with giant asses)
5. Willie Nelson's Beard Squeezin's
4. Bob Dole's All-Nude Crab Shack
3. Hard Newt Cafe
2. Regis' Philburgers
1. Planet Oprah
Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules - June 09, 1995
10. Clothing optional in dugouts
9. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question
8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game
7. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie," "Scooter," or "Pee Wee"
6. Games will not start until the players' drugs have kicked in
5. No more keeping your eye on the ball
4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite
3. If the catcher snags your pop foul, he gets to make out with your wife in the stands for awhile
2. No team roster may include more than two dismissed Simpson jurors
1. Reach a base. Do a shot.
Top Ten Things Newt & Clinton Said To Each Other Under Their Breath - June 12, 1995
10. Quit hoggin' the nachos, you right-wing bastard!
9. What kind of doofus name is 'Newt', anyway?
8. Hey Bill, where can I get me a pair of them giant jogging shorts?
7. As President, you think you could get me Batman's autograph?
6. Let's pick it up -- I have to get back to flip-flopping on foreign policy
5. Man oh man, we're two tubby mothers, ain't we?
4. Don't worry, after November '96, people jumping the White House fence won't be your problem anymore
3. Try deep-frying a Snickers bar, and thank me later
2. The latest poll shows 53% of New Hampshirites think your ass is bigger than mine
1. Hey Newt -- sign a contract with this!
Top Ten Things Old People Are Saying About Kids Today - June 13, 1995
10. We lived through a depression and a world war, they lived through the Brady Bunch TV show and the Brady Bunch movie
9. Whatever happened to that nice Nixon fella?
8. We didn't need crack in our day! We used a little something called heroin
7. Clinton shouldn't be President. I should (Bob Dole only)
6. I can't even take a walk in the park without getting an assfull of skateboard!
5. If these kids keep on with their yeah-yeah music, I'm writing a letter to President Taft (shot of Robert Downs staring)
4. I call him the artist formerly known as needing a good kick in the butt
3. When I was a kid, everyone lived on bugs and rainwater, and we loved it!
2. Kids? Who cares about kids! Send in the hookers!
1. What? Did you say something about squids?
Top Ten Michael Jackson Marriage Tips - June 14, 1995
10. Mickey Mouse ears make a great birth control device
9. Be considerate -- try not to hog the monkey
8. Keep the moonwalking crap to a minimum
7. Apologize after saying something like "I wished I'd married the remains of the elephant man instead of you!"
6. Whenever wife complains about how freakin' weird you are, show her a picture of Prince
5. Make it clear that as far as she is concerned, your pants are neverland
4. Pretend not to notice when she flirts with other androgynous freaks
3. Maintain joint account with Revlon
2. Keep having surgery until you and your wife are identical twins
1. Two words: Beat it!
Top Ten Orlando Magic Excuses - June 15, 1995
10. Didn't want game 5, we're going to see "Batman Forever"
9. Sometimes being so tall makes your kinda dizzy
8. Can't prove it, but pretty sure one of the refs was a brother of one of the Rockets or something
7. Too busy tying yellow ribbons 'round old oak trees (that's a Tony Orlando excuse)
6. Couldn't concentrate after hearing Michael and Lisa Marie actually do it
5. In a perfect world, Connie still would be doing CBS News
4. Ran out of Gatorade and had to use bugs and rain water
3. Anfernee Hardaway didn't score enough bafkets
2. Yeah, like we want to go to the White House and get our ass shot at
1. What do we care, we're already in Disneyworld!
Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains - June 16, 1995
10. Sy Sperling and his hairpiece of death
9. The Pillsbury Psycho
7. The Ticketmaster
6. The woman who keeps breaking into Batman's house
5. The Masked Philbin
4. Anwar, the cabbie who won't break Batman's twenty
3. Mujiman (VT of Mujibur in costume)
2. Connie and her Chung gun
1. The Caped Kato
Top Ten Good Things About Being a Two-Time NBA Champion - June 20, 1995
10. Just six more championships, and you'll have an eight-peat
9. Every time you eat a Dorito in public, you make a cool million bucks
8. Get to co-anchor CBS News with Dan Rather
7. When you eat at Howard Johnson's, they slip you a couple extra fried clams
6. When you go to Disneyworld, Mickey has to kiss your ass
5. For some reason, after you win the title twice, those cute Doublemint Twins start hanging around
4. Every night for the rest of your life, you're bathin' in Gatorade!
3. Hakeem will become the most popular name for newborn babies
2. Congratulatory lap dance from Marv Albert
1. Get to meet Batman!
Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Cruise - June 21, 1995
10. Brochure boasts that ship was subject of a "60 minutes" expose
9. You see the chef trying to knock pelicans out of the sky with the frisbee
8. Captain refuses to make a move without first consulting Tenille
7. The late Don Ameche keeps turning up in the swimming pool
6. Kathie Lee never stops throwing up
5. Captain has a dead albatross hanging from his neck
4. It's the Scott O'Grady theme cruise, and all they serve you is bugs and rainwater
3. You keep walking in on Gavin Macleod having sex in your cabin
2. Instead of the "Lido Deck," they've got the "Ito Deck"
1. Vessel's name: The S.S. Scurvy
Top Ten Ways to Speed Up the O.J. Trial - June 22, 1995
10. Every time a lawyer objects, F. Lee Bailey must remove an article of clothing
9. Forget the jury and just settle the damn thing with a "Hard Copy" Viewers' Poll
8. Cut week-long "going away" parties for dismissed jurors
7. Put Judge Ito in a Batman suit, sit back, and watch my man Lance do some justice!
6. Leave the glove-modeling to Cindy Freakin' Crawford
5. Bring in Wapner--that dude can handle two whole cases in half an hour!
4. Limit prosecution to one massive screw-up per day
3. Threaten jury by saying, "If you don't come up with a verdict soon, we're gonna send you on a Carnival Cruise"
2. Submit into evidence a photo of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie doin' it
1. Eliminate happy hour
Top Ten Signs Your Camp Counselor is Nuts - June 23, 1995
10. When campers arrive yells, "Welcome to Funky Town!" and starts pounding the Riunite
9. Has you make your own squirrel jerky
8. Announces, "we'll be training at this camp for 2 week & then off to Nam!
7. Checks himself for ticks a little too frequently
6. Whenever he tells ghost stories around the fire, he gets scared and wets his pants
5. The only craft he teaches you is check forgery
4. Even in restaurants he orders bugs and rainwater
3. He's this guy (VT of Healthy Herb from video collection)
2. Building a white Bronco out of popsicle sticks
1. Former social director of Carnival Cruise Lines
Top Ten Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting - June 26, 1995
10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character
9. Canadians must play in bare feet
8. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played "Doc" on "The Love Boat."
7. Just barely visible under ice: frozen body of Walt Disney
6. Replace Zamboni with Ford Bronco
5. Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie--Miss Katharine Hepburn
4. New snack bar item: player's missing teeth dipped in fudge
3. Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member from "The Love Boat"
2. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup
1. Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it
Top Ten Things on Clinton's Campaign To Do List - June 27, 1995
10. Promise the American people second term won't suck as bad as first
9. Boating trip with Roger. Make it look like an accident
8. See if Paula Jones will drop charges if offered the Vice Presidency
7. Sample as many flavors of cake as possible; eventually pick an official "Campaign Cake"
6. Spend a couple weeks eatin' bugs in Bosnia
5. Have "Clinton/Batman '96" bumper stickers printed up
4. Pray like hell that Republicans nominate Sonny Bono
3. Adopt Macaulay Culkin and rob the little monkey blind
2. On July 4th, "accidentally" stick a Roman Candle up Newt's ass
1. Do it with Lisa Marie
Top Ten New Hugh Grant Movies - June 28, 1995
10. Four Weddings and a Hooker
9. A One Hour Hotel Room With a View
8. Pantsless in Seattle
7. The Bill Clinton Story
6. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!
5. Batman Loosens the Ol' Utility Belt"
4. Die Hard With a Call Girl
3. The Backseats of Madison County
2. Don Juan de Buttafuoco
Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Tips for Summer - June 29, 1995
10. No matter how hot, don't forget to close garage door
9. Caskets made of light, airy pine
8. Playfully hurl water balloons at compound housing the Medelin Cartel
7. Go to Sea World, hop Killer Whale tank and do you damndest to free Willy
6. Road trip with Dee Dee Myers and a trunk full of Schlitz
5. Nothing says, "Happy July 4th , dad!" like a lethal injection
4. Take a bunch of friends to McDonald's and pour scalding coffee on each other
3. Picnic basket containing one starved, vicious badger (VT of badger)
2. Visit the White House and stand around until somebody shoots you
1. Lemons + sugar + cyanide = cyan-ade!
Top Ten Astronaut Pick-Up Lines - June 30, 1995
10. Let's initiate a docking maneuver
9. My pants are approaching escape velocity
8. I'm experiencing 10,000 G's of L-U-V
7. You know I'd really like to get in your pants before the Russians
6. Would you help me de-ice my nosecone?
5. Ever wonder what earth looks like from the back of a Chevy van?
4. Wanna join the hundred-thousand-mile-high club?
3. How much? (that's a Hugh Grant pick-up line)
2. Care to experience some thrust?
1. Prepare for re-entry!
Top Ten Boris Becker Excuses - July 10, 1995
10. Thought it was the French Open where they just surrender the championship to you
9. Who can concentrate when you're standing opposite hunky Pete Sampras?
8. Didn't want to spoil cool "Three-Pete!" headlines
7. Shouldn't have trained with that "Dorf on Tennis" video
6. Was just giving her a ride to the corner for chrissakes! (that's a Hugh Grant excuse)
5. Had the feeling Dick Enberg was undressing him with his eyes
4. Prince Charles' ears kept blocking the sun
3. Hard to concentrate with Marv Albert constantly shouting "Yes!" (roll VT)
2. Distracted by Fergie making out with ball boy in royal box
1. Three words: Grass stained balls!
Top Ten Clinton's Proposed Changes to Television - July 11, 1995
10. Special chip to make Newt look like he's got food in his teeth
9. Scratch n' sniff TV screens
8. Show about lame duck president who moves in with those "Models, Inc." chicks
7. Lookie here, how's about tryin' some shows in color?
6. Let Janet Reno go on "American Gladiators" and kick the living crap out of Nitro
5. When you hit "eject" on your VCR, fried dough comes out
4. More meat and nudity
3. Just once, have a "Jeopardy" contestant say, "What is Bubba?"
2. Every few minutes, flash subliminal picture of Bob Dole getting into Hugh Grant's car
1. Three words: the Hee-Haw Channel
Top Ten Least Popular Summer Drinks - July 12, 1995
10. Frozen Margaregis
9. E. Coli Colada
8. Watermelon juice squeezed out of Gallagher's mustache
7. DNA-tested Bloody Mary
6. Hugh Grant's backseat Snapple
5. Kraft Root Beer 'N' Cheese
4. Lyme Disease Rickey
3. Richard Simmons Sweatin' Sour (VT of audience full of Richards)
2. Newt Juice
Top Ten Signs Judge Ito is Really, Really Mad - July 13, 1995
10. Grabs Exhibit A and starts slashing at the lawyers
9. Keeps terrifying witnesses by setting off firecrackers under his robe
8. He's shaking like Apollo 13
7. His Habeus Corpus has gone all Quid Pro Quo
6. When he says "Johnnie Cochran," he leaves off the last syllable
5. Caught juror chewing gum and made him eat a month's worth of beard trimmings
4. Threatened lawyers, "If you don't shape up, I'm gonna have O.J. kill you!"
3. Demands that lawyers address him as "Judge Dredd"
2. Chris Darden went home last night with an assful of gavel
1. He begins putting on the gloves
Top Ten Ways to Beat the Heat - July 14, 1995
10. Stroll through subways waiting for old water mains to burst
9. Drink glass of ice water every time Larry King gets engaged
8. Around house, wear lightweight caftans, the way I do
7. Stop a Mister Softee truck, insist you're Skip Softee, the boss's son and crawl into the freezer compartment
6. Go to White House, enjoy breeze of bullets whizzing by
5. Don't overdo, take it easy, try to keep from moving around (this tip brought to you by the N.Y. Mets)
4. Go for a swim in the Hudson River--you'll end up in a nice air-conditioned hospital
3. Keep your underpants in the crisper ("this one is courtesy of Dan Rather. Thanks Dan!"--cut to VT of Dan Rather laughing)
2. Get your own talk show, set yourself up in a 42 degree theater
1. Cool off in Ebert's shadow
Top Ten Surprises in the Mark Fuhrman Tapes - July 17, 1995
10. Refers to Norwegians as "Herring - Gorged Tundra Monkeys"
9. Brags about planting overdue library books at O.J.'s house
8. Admits to crying at that talking pig movie
7. When you play tapes backwards, you hear theme song to "Friends"
6. Judge Ito's nickname around courthouse locker room: "Sir Lance-A-Little"
5. Performs beautiful medley of love duets with Marge Schott
4. Accuses O.J. of killing Anna Nicole Smith's husband
3. Claims he stopped Michael Jackson for speeding, but let him go when he saw it wasn't a black guy
2. Once had a brief sexual encounter with his nightstick
1. Can't spell O.J.
Top Ten Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs - July 18, 1995
10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat
9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
8. New sniffing competition
7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head
6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges
5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick
4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers
2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet
1. Points taken off for mange
Top Ten Signs Yeltsin's Health is Improving - July 19, 1995
10. Doesn't have to rest between saying each syllable in "Stolichnaya"
9. While still red, his nose no longer emitting sizzling noise
8. Opened last night as the new Norma Desmond in "Sunset Boulevard"
7. He's been taking the nurse's temperature, if you know what I mean
6. Has begun working out with that O.J. video
5. Just filmed a new infomercial for his "Yeltsinizer" exercise machine
4. Went to comedy club and beat the crap out of Yakov Smirnoff
3. Looks almost as good as the preserved body of Lenin
2. His ass no longer looks like a breakaway republic
1. Blood alcohol level back up to a healthy 53%
Top Ten Ways to Discourage Teens from Smoking - July 20, 1995
10. Spread rumor that cigarettes cause acne
9. Ask "Don't you want to be around for Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's 2050?"
8. Have Fonzie tell 'em! The kids love that guy!
7. Tell them they have to smoke! If I know teenagers, that's exactly what they won't do! Am I right?
6. Explain that it spoils the taste of crack
5. Point out how chances of having illicit sex improve if you don't smell like an ashtray
4. Start stressing the glamour of heavy drinking
3. Just keep saying "Hey, Teen dudes! Non-smokers rule!"
2. Tell them they'll end up like that fruity ass bastard in the Montclair ads
1. Four words: Photo of Keith Richards
Top Ten Signs O.J.'s Lawyers Have Given Up - July 21, 1995
10. Every couple of minutes, F. Lee Bailey yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!"
9. Call recesses to ask O.J. "Go any ideas genius?"
8. Incriminating evidence is held up and they say "Wow! A bloody glove! Cool!"
7. Answer all prosecution objections with "whatever"
6. When O.J. asks how it's going, they chuckle and say, "Promise you won't kill me?"
5. Already begun asking the Menendez brothers how much money they have
4. Just ordered The Juice a custom-tailored Armani suit with vertical stripes
3. Their "Surprise Witness" turns out to be this guy: (VT of tattoo guy)
2. Just placed large "no refunds" sign on defense table, facing O.J.
1. Johnnie Cochran frequently gives juror #4 the finger
Top Ten Errors in Apollo 13 - July 24, 1995
10. Real Apollo 13 never picked up hitchhiking E.T.
9. The spacecraft was not pulled over by a Connecticut state trooper for speeding
8. To fix spaceship, Tom Hanks just punches it like the Fonz
7. The "Footloose" dude never gets a single chance to cut loose
6. The scene in which spacecraft chases White Bronco around the moon
5. Jim Lovell never told Houston, "Forget about us! Just Free Willy!"
4. Mission was not "to open Gap store on the moon"
3. According to the movie, first man on the moon was Neil Armstrong; in reality it was Dick Assman (picture of Assman)
2. Crew never cruised sunset in lunar module looking for hookers
1. Moon covered with giant Taco Bell logo
Top Ten Surprise Revelations in the Whitewater Hearings - July 25, 1995
10. Confused Bill Clinton though he was investing in White Castle
9. Democrats blaming death of Vince Foster on his sons Erik and Lyle Foster
8. It turns out there is something more boring than the O.J. trial
7. Bill once made a sandwich with two donuts and a Gainesburger
6. Senator Packwood keeps asking if he can strip search Hillary
5. Clinton already had the "Your mommy is going to jail talk" with Chelsea
4. To get more press, they're thinking of changing the name of hearing to Bubbagate
3. The shadowy figure at the center of the whole deal: Dick Assman
2. Out of force of habit, Senator Kennedy yelled out, "I'm not guilty!"
1. Nobody gives a rat's ass about the whole thing
Top Ten MTV Video Music Award Categories Michael Jackson is Nominated In - July 26, 1995
10. Best editing of facial features
9. Outstanding performance in ongoing police investigation
8. Weirdest male artist
7. Weirdest female artist
6. Best performance in a black and white video by artist who isn't really either
5. New video by guy with a brother named Tito
4. Best singer who talks just like Mike Tyson
3. Least life-like nose
2. Best acting in a marriage
1. Best new face
Top Ten Reason's Yasir Arafat Will Make A Good Father - July 27, 1995
10. Take an old sock, stuff it with beard clippings and presto - a teething toy
9. Plastic explosives pick up ink better than Silly Putty
8. For show and tell daddy can help kid build a bitchin' car bomb
7. Frequent skyjackings mean cheap, fun family trips
6. If this Palestinian Presidential thing doesn't work out, he can always support his family by driving a New York City Cab
5. Make-shift rattle: Coke can filled with old shell casings
4. If teachers give kid a B-plus, daddy will torture him up to an A-minus
3. Can teach kid to throw while hurling rocks at Israeli soldiers
2. He's sure winner of parents' day Ringo look-a-like contest
1. P.L.O. discount at desert Toys R' Us
Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If it Were Covered With Water - July 28, 1995
10. Packwood putting the moves on a Manatee
9. Top prize for "The Price is Right": Towels!
8. Kevin Costner makes hideously expensive movie about life on dry land
7. It would be "The Blowfish and Hootie," my friend
6. Cab drivers would be forced to bathe whether they want to or not
5. Lots of talk on court TV about O.J.'s "bloody flippers"
4. Michael Jackson would have plastic surgery to look more like a Sea Bass
3. It would be considered perfectly good manners to leak out the window
2. I'd host the show wearing nothing but a Speedo
1. All Mets games rained out
Top Ten Chili Davis' Complaints About Fans - July 30, 1995
10. When your hand is too tired from signing autographs to make a fist
9. They get all huffy when you crack their skull with a Louisville Slugger
8. Don't understand the pressure of making $18,000 an at bat
7. When they give me their liver -- and I don't need a new liver!
6. When fans try to adjust your cup
5. After you finish bloodying their nose, they almost never share their nachos with you
4. They keep confusing him with Pittsburgh Pirates' "Hungarian Goulash Davis"
3. Don't understand that it's hard to keep your temper under control when you're full of steroids
2. Think only New York players can act like jerks
1. Can't take a punch Chili Davis'
Top Ten Ways CBS Will Be Different Now That It's Owned By Westinghouse - August 01, 1995
10. Andy Rooney is now dishwasher safe
9. My first question for each guest will be, "so, tell me about your appliances?"
8. CBS executives replaced by whole new batch of weasels
7. CBS News to add a spin cycle
6. Thanks to advanced refrigerator technology, Ed Sullivan Theater will dip down to 4 below zero
5. "Late Show" replaced by hour-long shot of a washing machine
4. "60 Minutes" doing a lot more investigations of that Maytag outfit
3. I get to use slightly-rewritten G.E. jokes from the late 80's
2. Dan Rather's new co-anchor: a coffee pot
1. Five words: "Dr. Quinn, Refrigerator Repair Woman"
Top Ten Suprising Facts About Michael H. Jordan, Chairman and CEO of Westinghouse - August 02, 1995
10. Has loved appliances ever since sitting on a vibrating washer as a teen
9. Bought CBS just to get close to Paula Zahn
8. Also sucks at baseball
7. That knob that makes toast lighter or darker? His idea
6. Frequently points below his belt and says, "You can be sure it's a Westinghouse!"
5. Was Potsie for six seasons on "Happy Days"
4. Once shot a G.E. repairman just to watch him die
3. His number one priority for CBS: bring back "Hee Haw"
2. Favorite pick-up line: Wanna defrost my pants?
1. The H. stands for Hootie
Top Ten Screw-ups in the O.J. Simpson Defense - August 03, 1995
10. Referring to O.J. as "The Meal Ticket" in front of the jury
9. Lately, only asking witnesses how they liked "Waterworld"
8. Demonstrating how difficult it was for O.J. to fit into several of Marcia Clark's outfits
7. Letting F. Lee Bailey conduct cross-examination after happy hour
6. Shouldn't have let O.J. publish book called "I Want to Kill You"
5. Unable to keep a straight face when they say their client is not guilty
4. Asking Judge Ito "where were you on the night of the murders?"
3. Keep mentioning that O.J. wouldn't mind sharing a cell with Hillary Clinton
2. Should've gotten O.J. on the jury -- so he could be dismissed!
1. Keep mispelling DNA
Top Ten Ways The U.S. Would Be Different If It Were Owned By Disney - August 04, 1995
10. Defense department spends billions on "Flubber Missile"
9. Instead of death penalty, convicted killers must listen to "It's A Small World" for rest of their lives
8. Presidents of Mt. Rushmore rigged up to sing like a barbershop quartet
7. Winning athletes exclaim, "I'm going to any random spot in the country!"
6. We'd get to see Janet Reno in one of those tight mousketeer sweater
5. National deficit eliminated by declaring U.S. a full-size replica of itself and charging admission
4. Platoon of country bears sent to Bosnia as "Operation Jamboree"
3. We'd bomb Busch Gardens back to the stone age
2. Just like cows in India, sacred mice would wander the street
1. Instead of Whitewater, Goofygate
Top Ten Signs of Sloppiness in the L.A.P.D. Crime Lab - August 07, 1995
10. Test tubes not washed between vodka shots
9. Findings that state "all fingerprints pretty much the same"
8. When they run out of salt, they sprinkle DNA on lunch
7. Reports copied word-for-word from old "Quincy" episodes
6. Claimed test results showed it was impossible for man to have first name "Dick" and last name "Assman"
5. Technician borrowed bloody gloves to do some weed-pulling in backyard
4. Blood sample too small? Add some water and red food coloring
3. Somebody keeps using test tubes as way to save a walk to the bathroom
2. No more O.J. blood? Just cut yourself
1. Lab director: Rosa Lopez
Top Ten Items on the Westinghouse "To Do" List - August 08, 1995
10. Learn difference between a network and a hole in the ground
9. Review pay package of TV host David Letterman
8. Rehire Connie Chung to sell toasters door-to-door
7. Lead story on every CBS newscast: "Westinghouse appliances still dependable and affordably priced!"
6. Six words: "Dr. Quinn Totally Nude Medicine Woman"
5. Find out who the hell this "Johnny Carwash" is (Singers enter)
4. Have Anna Nicole Smith keep marrying rival network executives until they're all dead
3. See if Westinghouse engineers can fix Fran Drescher's voice
2. Assemble all employees for a huge party followed by massive layoffs
1. "The Late Show With Dick Assman"
Top Ten Things Revealed in Newt Gingrich Expose - August 09, 1995
10. Though his name is Newt, he's actually half salamander
9. Can eat a mound of peanuts as big as his head
8. Will make love to wife only after she says "I yield to the congressman from Georgia"
7. Once had an actual Newt lodged in his Gingrich
6. Does a lot of "pounding the gavel," if you know what I mean
5. For two years, hosted Donahue show
4. Dresses like Unabomber, sneaks up on congressional aides and pops paper bags
3. His mom now has Connie Chung doing yardwork
2. Recently lost "world's goofiest name" title to Dick Assman
1. Four Words: Newtie and the Blowfish
Top Ten Signs You're In An Unsafe Airport - August 10, 1995
10. Hijackers are allowed to pre-board
9. Mary Jo Buttafuoco walks through metal detector without her bullet setting it off
8. Machines sell insurance just for your time in the airport
7. White zone for unloading, red zone for reloading
6. You-know-who is there filming a Hertz commercial
5. As you board plane, gate attendant says "you poor son of a bitch"
4. Runways have passing lanes
3. You have to go through a metal detector just to enter the gift shop
2. There are more shots being fired there than at the White House
1. Electronic scanning equipment made by Westinghouse
Top Ten Other Ways To Forfeit A Baseball Game - August 11, 1995
10. Have stadium announcer start "outing" players
9. From blimp high above field, drop Babe Ruth onto pitcher's mound
8. Players blood-alcohol level higher than their on-base percentage
7. Catcher fails to pass local emission standards
6. Fans get to third base with players' wives, if you know what I mean
5. Being caught wearing the still experimental "Wondercup"
4. Have Dick Assman do all the pitching (roll VT of Dick throwing lame pitch)
3. New ball girl? Divine Brown
2. Ask announcer to introduce you as "The Unabatter"
1. Three words: Bloody Glove Day
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Ross Perot Political Convention - August 14, 1995
10. Hi, my name is Roger Clinton, I'll be your waiter this evening
9. If you're hungry, there's chips and salsa in my ears
8. Mr. Perot! I found your 'H' here behind the fern!
7. If we call ourselves 'United We Stand', how come Perot always looks like he's kneeling?
6. Here's a chart showing how much more insane I've become since 1992
5. I pledge to you, my supporters, that I will enter, drop out and re-enter the presidential race no fewer than fifty times!
4. Actually we have met before--you were my running mate, Admiral Stockdale"
3. Aaaah! There's a nice breeze coming off his ears
2. Run for your lives--it's Nixon!
1. Vote Perot/Assman in '96!
Top Ten Anna Nicole Smith Dating Tips - August 15, 1995
10. Forget the personal ads--try the intensive care unit
9. Wear something that, even to his failing eyes, will look slutty
8. Always carry some "mad money" for the paramedics
7. Make sure the valet parkers understand, if he dies in the restaurant, you get the car
6. When he wants sex, hide his glasses and put him in bed with a car battery
5. Remind him, "Hey, when you're 160, I'll be 101"
4. Prepare candlelit dinner. If he can blow out candle, you don't want him
3. To convincingly fake excitement during sex, just think about his stock portfolio
2. Good pick-up line: "Can I pre-chew that for you?"
1. Three words: "Bring extra plasma"
Top Ten Other Reasons Judge Ito Might Step Down - August 16, 1995
10. Dead have asked him to replace Jerry Garcia
9. Last week, found himself believing something Johnny Cochran said
8. Has summertime share in the Poconos with Judge Wapner
7. Got one of them "Eat-The-Crust-First" pizza commercials
6. Last night, broke into Mark Fuhrman's house and tried to O.J. the guy
5. Tired of seeing his reflection in Chris Darden's head
4. Going to be on a new Court-TV show about five real-life judges sharing a loft in London
3. Murder weapon found in his beard
2. Misses Rosa Lopez. Loves Rosa Lopez. Must be with Rosa Lopez.
1. Bad case of bench rash
Top Ten Things Lisa Marie Will Miss About Being Married To Michael Jackson - August 18, 1995
10. Desire she feels when she sees him clutching stuffed bunny on a merry-go-round
9. Say what you want about the freak, but he made a mean omelette
8. At picnics, his old noses made great corn-on-the-cob holders
7. After a night of great sex, Michael would always tell her about it
6. Sneak-previews of Liz Taylor's latest hip x-rays
5. House need cleaning? Just dunk Bubbles the chimp in a bucket of Lysol and let him go nuts!
4. That adorable sheepish way he'd tell her that he had to pay off another kid
3. Hyperbaric chamber a great place to keep baked goods fresh
2. Several of his buddies from the Elks Lodge were actually quite nice
1. He was always so polite and charming to Elvis
Top Ten Reasons to Watch CBS This Fall - August 21, 1995
10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless
8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a monkey
6. This year, on a special "60 Minutes" Morley Safer loses his virginity
5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!
4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the way around (And ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Scott Carter)
3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!
Top Ten Reasons We're Going To London - August 22, 1995
10. I'm trying to move the show to the BBC
9. Kato is crashing at my house for the week
8. I figure, as a rich American with bad hair, I've got a good chance with Fergie
7. Squeegee guys with really cool accents
6. Periodically, Ed Sullivan Theater has to be defrosted
5. CBS wants me out of town when they announce they're going out of business
4. It's that time of year when New York starts to smell funny
3. Just an elaborate set-up that lets me screw with some Dutch people (shot)
2. For once, I'd like to break the speed limit on the other side of the road
1. Newark was booked solid
Top Ten Lisa Marie's Complaints About Michael Jackson - August 25, 1995
10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games
9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara
8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast
7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
6. I know I'm his wife--but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
5. Jackson 5 closer to 4 and 5/8ths
4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants
3. Chugs a couple of Buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like a son-of-a-bitch
2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp!
1. He's a great big freak!
Top Ten Ways The New Show Will Be Better - August 28, 1995
10. Kids watch free
9. No more relying on cheap G.E. jokes (unless we're really stuck)
8. My new "Rappin' Dave" character
7. Inhaling asbestos particles from renovation makes me extra "wacky"
6. If they applaud really loudly, everyone in tonight's studio audience gets a brand new car!
5. No more pressure to book NBC President Robert C. Wright's son-in-law, Marv Albert
4. It's the same show. Better time. New sta-- oh, for the love of God, stop saying that!
3. I'm more focused since my break-up with Loni
2. Every Friday Paul and I swap medication
1. A whole new wardrobe for Vanna!
Top Ten Things We Like About CBS - August 29, 1995
10. You got a problem? The CBS "Family" takes care of it
9. The strong, understanding hands of Mr. Charles Kuralt
8. Doesn't have foul-smelling disease-carrying bird mascot
7. When Angela Lansbury fixes your outboard motor, it stays fixed
6. Chance to see Harry Smith naked in CBS sauna
5. Have Canadian music director that looks just like our old one
4. Candice Bergen curses like a sailor at company retreat
3. Three out of every five male employees named "Morley"
2. Whole nation touched by the heartfelt attempt of Dan Rather and Connie Chung to have a baby
1. Executives are much more advanced form of weasel
Top Ten Signs Your New Job Isn't Working Out - August 30, 1995
10. You have a desk, but no chair
9. Co-workers always punching you in the stomach
8. You see CBS Chairman Larry Tisch having dinner with Conan O'Brien
7. You get stung by a bee (not really a sign your new job isn't working out, but just as upsetting)
6. You work for NASA and your title is "Executive in charge of space probe quality control"
5. After work, you go nuts and throw firecrackers into a crowd of people
4. Your company physical is scheduled with Dr. Kevorkian
3. People start saying maybe they should have elected our wife Hillary president
2. In your one-page performance report, the word "sucks" appears twelve times
1. Your office nickname: "Deadwood"
Top Ten Rejected Names For The New Show - August 31, 1995
10. Dave's Def Talk Show Jam
9. Bonehead At A Desk
8. Sally Jessy Letterman
7. Tell The Jokes And Watch Them Die
6. The Stolen Intellectual Property Show
5. The All-New Adventures of Necktie Boy
4. Senor Dave's Fiesta Del Cha-Cha
3. Dave Connection
2. The Million-Dollar Mistake
1. Paul Shaffer and Butthead
Top Ten Numbers From One To Ten - September 01, 1995
Top Ten Signs Your Picnic Sucks - September 04, 1995
10. Whenever there's the slightest breeze, Peter McNeeley falls ass-first into the potato salad
9. The blanket you're sitting on is from Heidi Fleiss' place
8. The "caraway seeds" in the cole slaw look suspiciously like deer ticks
7. Your picnic companion is inflatable
6. That red dog from the beer commercials gets drunk and tries to mate with your roast chicken
5. Your original campfire has now consumed 5,000 acres
4. You have to spend all day consoling a weeping Larry Fortensky
3. Instead of mayonnaise, elderly aunt has used Vicks Vap-O-Rub on sandwiches
2. In mix-up, your picnic chest contains Larry Hagman's liver
1. O.J. keeps "accidentally" hitting people with lawn darts
Top Ten Things Overheard at the World Conference for Women - September 05, 1995
10. Hey Reno, you left the seat up again
9. Don't shove--you'll all get a chance to slap Bob Packwood
8. Anna Nicole Smith sure seems to be warming up to Deng Xiao Peng
7. Are the men gone? Okay--bring out the Tupperware!
6. Is it true that every American woman must sleep with President Clinton?
5. You used to date Martina? I used to date Martina!
4. And now for your entertainment pleasure--The Chippendales Dissident Dancers!
3. Hi, I'm Larry King, here's my phone number, how do you do, I'm Larry King, here's my number
2. Mrs. Mandela! Quit hogging the cookie dough!
1. What's Richard Simmons doing here?
Top Ten Horrifying Secrets of Cal Ripken - September 06, 1995
10. For the last year, has eaten nothing but deep-fried oriole
9. Thinks he's breaking the "Lou Grant" record
8. Corks his pants
7. Just like Lassie, there are five Cal Ripkens. Each one has played in only 426 consecutive games
6. Once planted a bloody first-baseman's glove
5. According to Mrs. Ripken, not exactly an "Iron Man" in the bedroom
4. Also has perfect attendance at the local "Hooters"
3. Recently considered skipping a game to attend a John Tesh concert
2. Has been spotted leaving Marge Schott's place early in the morning
1. Two words: Switch Hitter
Top Ten Mark Fuhrman's Tips On How To Be A Good Cop - September 07, 1995
10. If you run out of blood to plant at crime scene, try jelly donut filling
9. When stuck, just ask yourself, "What would Marge Schott do?"
8. Plant one bloody glove: good; plant two bloody gloves: better; plant three bloody gloves: you're overdoing it
7. Make it your goal to win an MTV Video Award in the category "Most Racist Cop"
6. For a change of pace, make ugly slurs against Belgians
5. Leave Heisman Trophy at crime scene
4. Win back trust of black community by announcing, "That Link on 'Mod Squad' is one happenin' dude"
3. Insist you were talking about "chiggers"
2. After morning of beating up black guys, beat up a Mexican to "cleanse palate"
1. Bill of Rights? More like load of crap!
Top Ten Surprises In The Packwood Diaries - September 08, 1995
10. Often writes letters to "Penthouse" signed "Packing Wood In Washington"
9. Had a brief sexual encounter with the Liberty Bell
8. Those creepy Calvin Klein commercials? Packwood's idea
7. Admits to having a schoolgirl crush on Phil Gramm
6. Woke up naked one morning in the lap of the Abraham Lincoln statue
5. Once broke into Frank Perdue warehouse and spent entire weekend groping chicken parts
4. Has recurring dream where he gets to second base with Betsy Ross
3. Once cold-cocked by Janet Reno
2. Refers to his tongue as "The Ethics Probe"
1. Has had more sex on his desk than Newt Gingrich
Top Ten Excuses For Us Not Winning An Emmy - September 11, 1995
10. L.A.P.D. crime lab mixed up the ballots
9. CBS bribe check bounced
8. We actually won, but the band failed the drug test
7. Judges didn't want to hear another one of my speeches about the plight of Tibet
6. Did away with our old category: shows that suck big-time
5. Only been giving 109%
4. Academy disapproves of my marriage to Anna Nicole Smith
3. In case of a tie, deciding vote cast by this woman (VT woman eating peach)
2. Judges sickened by astonishing number of times my name appears in Packwood diaries
1. They've seen the show
Top Ten Gamil Emsak's Pet Peeves - September 12, 1995
10. Passengers who throw up in back seat
9. My brakes don't work for crap
8. Idiots who slow down for red lights
7. When New York smells like eggs
6. City won't allow a Donut-a-pult in my cab
5. Customers who don't speak English
4. Crybabies that sue when you run them over
3. Drivers from New Jersey
2. Talk show dorks who leave the scene of the accident
1. People who pronounce my name "Oatmeal"
Top Ten Little Known Facts About Colin Powell - September 13, 1995
10. In Packwood diaries, referred to as "a five-star stud"
9. Recently ordered a bombing run over Mark Fuhrman's house
8. Conducting unusual wind tunnel tests with Divine Brown
7. Couple of years ago, got really drunk and woke up in Vegas married to Larry King
6. Was once romantically linked to this woman (VT peach-eating woman)
5. Friends call him "Hootie"
4. Does a weekly cabaret show in the Village as "Connie Powell"
3. Attributes Desert Storm victory to something called the "Donut-apult"
2. Unlike Newt Gingrich, uses his desk for paperwork
1. Streisand freak
Top Ten Surprises in Central Park West - September 14, 1995
10. Mariel Hemingway mistakes Rush Limbaugh for a cab and tries to ride him to work
9. Dialogue lifted word-for-word from Bob Packwood's diary
8. All the bass fishing tips
7. Amazing computer-generated "Hoss" from old "Bonanza" series
6. Seductive temptress portrayed by this woman (VT peach-eating woman)
5. Entire show packed top-to-bottom with "you might be a redneck if..." jokes
4. Off-camera voice of Calvin Klein keeps saying, "You have a lovely body...do you work out?"
3. Main plot is a love triangle between a man, a woman and a donut-a-pult
2. O.J.'s hilarious cameo as a hot dog vendor with bloody tongs
1. The damn thing could be a hit -- and it's on CBS!
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of The Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1995
10. Plant bloody tiara in other contestant's dressing room
9. Get caught in bed with Frank Gifford
8. Accidentally leave the price tag on your breasts
7. During the talent competition, constantly yell "Gong her!"
6. Wear sash that says "Bite Me"
5. When asked your hobby, reply "Rich elderly men"
4. Your talent? Eating a peach (VT peach-eating woman)
3. Shout to the judges, "Don't forget last night at the Marriott!"
2. List your favorite book as the Packwood Diaries
1. Stop smiling for a couple of seconds
Top Ten Least Popular Snapple Flavors - September 18, 1995
10. Hudson River Punch
9. Creme De Kato
8. Iced Tea With Bloated Ticks
7. Stuff Found Under The Couch Cushions Cocktail
6. Richard Simmons Tank Top Squeezin's
5. Liquid Trout
4. Vick's Vap-O-Drink
3. Monkey Juice
2. Kevorkian Colada
Top Ten Things Newt Gingrich Loves About New York - September 19, 1995
10. Rats the size of a Georgia bulldog
9. Rollerblading on the Upper East Side with Alfonse and Rudy
8. Three words: "all night delis"
7. Just between us, my mom whispers to me, "that Letterman's kind of a dork"
6. When people see me, they yell "Hey Donahue -- I got your caller right here!"
5. It's a culture of waste, but it's the best culture of waste in the whole darn world!
4. Late-night falafel binges with Rush
3. N.Y. cabbies have names that make mine seem almost normal
2. Its citizens know how to enjoy a great Georgia peach (VT peach-eating woman)
1. It's just a "T" away from being "Newt York"
Top Ten Good Things About Being A Fourth-Place Network - September 20, 1995
10. People can't say your show sucks, because they haven't seen it
9. Can address all your viewers by name
8. Once "TV Guide" decides to stop listing your shows, the magazine is lighter and easier to carry
7. Heartwarming feeling when canned goods arrive from local grade schools
6. Get to use inspiring chant: "We're #4!" (Cheerleaders enter)
5. Fourth ain't so bad -- I mean, imagine you're the fourth handsomest guy in the world -- you'd be pretty damn handsome!
4. Don't get that paranoid feeling that people are watching you
3. New slogan: "If networks were Beatles, we'd be Ringo!"
2. Andy Rooney gets a lot of sympathy sex
1. You have reached maximum sucking potential
Top Ten Signs The O.J. Trial Is Almost Over - September 21, 1995
10. Department stores stocking new designer cologne: "Freedom" by O.J. Simpson
9. Alibi writer hired by Johnnie Cochran has returned to job at Comedy Central
8. O.J. has moved on to discussing his next murder
7. Marquee in front of L.A. courthouse says, "Coming Soon: The Menendez Brothers"
6. During yesterday's testimony, one of the jurors ate a 3-pound ham
5. Dick Clark leading crowd outside courthouse counting down "10...9...8"
4. Defense's latest exhibit: a potato chip that kinda looks like Nixon
3. NBC planning "Welcome Back Juice" Super Bowl halftime show
2. Executives at Court TV urging Sonny to kill Cher
1. O.J. has officially run out of money
Top Ten Rejected 'Jeopardy' Categories - September 22, 1995
10. Things Cher Has Had Done To Her
9. All About Chafing
8. Exciting Shows On At The Same Time As "Jeopardy"
7. Things That Smell Like Eggs
6. Itos, Titos And Fritos
5. Canadian Sex Secrets
4. Things That Throb
3. Diseases Caused By Game Shows
2. Guys I, Alex Trebek, Have Beat The Crap Out Of
1. Gap-toothed Freaks
Top Ten Martha Stewart's Worst Tips For Living - September 25, 1995
10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head
9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces
8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own
7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines
6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili
5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows
4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie
3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard
2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth
1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair
Top Ten Rejected Names For Ross Perot’s Political Party- September 26, 1995
10. The Rosstafarians
9. United We're Nuts
8. The Dork-O-Crats
7. Wacky Ass Billionaires
6. The You Might Be A Redneck If You Join This Party
5. The Adorable Miniature Candidate And His Friends
4. Yankee Doodle Psychos
3. El Party De Nutjobs
2. Shorty And The Blowfish
1. The Hair Club For Geeks
Top Ten Things O.J. Simpson Was Writing On His Notepad - September 27, 1995
[Presentation assisted by Mel Torme]
10. Remember to send fruit basket to Mark Fuhrman
9. After trial, kill Marcia Clark?
8. I wonder how CBS has been doing since I've been in jail
7. Hey Cochran, tomorrow I'll wear my lucky bloody socks
6. I can't believe my future is being decided by a bunch of cab drivers [tonight's show featured a "jury" of New York City cab drivers deliberating the O.J. verdict]
5. You might be a redneck if ... you plant a bloody glove
4. Dear Penthouse ...
3. Johnnie -- don't forget "disgruntled postal worker" theory!
2. Maybe President Powell will pardon me
1. Have A.C. gas up the Bronco
Top Ten Other O.J. Defense Rhymes - September 28, 1995
10. Please, please let O.J. go -- he just bought a place in Mexico
9. Even if you think he did all this stuff, wasn't playing for the Bills punishment enough?
8. O.J.'s too full of love to have dropped a bloody glove
7. DNA? Give me a break -- it's too small to see, for heaven's sake
6. The Bronco's idling right outside, so acquit the man and let him ride!
5. Make the right decision and stand tall, and you'll all go home with an autographed football
4. If you must find O.J. guilty of a crime, try watching "Naked Gun 2" sometime!
3. The real killer's a lady, by the name of Mrs. Brady! (Flo Henderson bolts)
2. If the mood is right and I feel a spark, I wouldn't mind nailing Marcia Clark
1. Evidence, shmevidence
Top Ten Things On The Pope's 'To Do' List - September 29, 1995
10. Get "The Club" put on the Popemobile
9. Confirm Red Hot Chili Peppers as opening act in Central Park
8. Call ahead to make sure the Ramada has Magic Fingers
7. Get big hat blocked
6. Think of diplomatic way to advise President Clinton to "cool it with the broads, Bubba"
5. Pitch idea of cameo appearance as Murphy Brown's secretary
4. Perform exorcism on Richard Simmons
3. Forgive Letterman for hosting the Academy Awards
2. Scotchguard the robes
1. Pray for CBS
Top Ten Signs You're Going Through O.J. Simpson Trial Withdrawal - October 02, 1995
10. When your husband asks you to pass the ketchup, you start screaming "Objection!"
9. During a week-long vacation in Bermuda, you never take off the knit cap
8. You pay thousands of dollars to have your cat's DNA tested
7. After ordering a Big Mac, you present a ten-hour closing argument
6. You won't get into bed unless your wife puts on the fake Ito beard
5. You start watching C-SPAN -- just to hear people lying again
4. Whenever you see a Japanese guy on the street, you go up to him and request a sidebar
3. You drop sixty bucks to watch Kato Kaelin take a pay-per-view nap
2. You go to the supermarket, sit down in front of a carton of O.J., and stare
1. You're having conjugal visits with yourself
Top Ten Ways Judge Ito Will Unwind - October 03, 1995
10. Going to 7-11's, threatening to turn off the surveillance cameras
9. Becoming the first American to watch "Central Park West"
8. Going to strip clubs getting lapdanced until he "reaches a verdict," if you know what I mean
7. Getting that long-promised backrub from juror number 8
6. Wandering through other courtrooms randomly dismissing jurors
5. Release a workout video: "How to lose weight while sitting on your ass"
4. Hit the beach with a beard-ful of sun-in
3. Nintendo with the Menendez brothers
2. Finishing up his book, "How to satisfy a woman attorney every time"
1. Getting wasted with the Culkin kids
Top Ten Things O.J. Simpson Had To Take Care Of Today - October 04, 1995
10. Plant bloody "thank you" note at Mark Fuhrman's place
9. Buy wedding gift for Michael and Lisa Marie
8. Ask Johnnie Cochran who the hell was that guy in the courtroom with the knit hat
7. Buy new gloves
6. Watch tape of Academy Awards to see if Letterman was as bad as everyone said
5. Reprimand Kato for leaving Jacuzzi running for an entire year
4. Single-handedly save CBS by agreeing to star in "Central Park West"
3. Tell J. Crew to send catalogs to home again
2. Talk to Hallmark about line of "race cards"
1. Two words: pinch himself
Top Ten Items On O.J.'s Legal Bill - October 05, 1995
10. Three cans of eyebrow mousse for Robert Shapiro
9. Rhyming dictionary for Johnnie Cochran
8. One jumbo jar of hand swelling cream
7. Subliminal "not guilty" cuff links worn by Barry Scheck
6. Prison guard disguise for Divine Brown
5. F. Lee Bailey's million dollar "refreshment" tab
4. Gas used to keep Bronco idling outside courthouse for 15 months
3. Cake with file in it (unused)
2. 10 copies "1001 Ways To Hypnotize A Jury"
1. Conjugal visits with Robert Shapiro's briefcase
Top Ten Things The Pope Likes About New York - October 06, 1995
10. Cab rides great chance to practice his language skills
9. Strangely fascinating to see so many commandments being broken at once
8. Bootleg tapes of "Sister Act 2"
7. Area football teams provide plenty of opportunity to pray
6. Helps you envision the concept of "hell"
5. That nice Catholic talk show host Conan
4. Chance to visit old teachers at Wilfred Academy of Beauty
3. A genuine Rolex for ten bucks? It's a miracle!
2. Giants Stadium nachos are sinfully delicious
1. Four words: "Cats" -- now and forever
Top Ten Ways U.S. Open Would Be Different If It Were Held On The Moon - October 09, 1995
10. Guy hits a lob on Tuesday; opponent returns it on Wednesday
9. Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short volley for man, one giant match point for mankind
8. In space, no one can hear John McEnroe
7. If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen
6. Final round: Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes
5. Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked over by a low-flying comet
4. Sampras has just smashed another blistering two mile an hour serve!
3. Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear blimp
2. Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits you in the ass
1. Two words: Floatin' trophies!
Top Ten Christopher Columbus Pick-Up Lines - October 10, 1995
10. Come to this continent often?
9. How 'bout you and me taking a voyage to Motel-6?
8. Kiss me, I'm salty!
7. If all three of you come home with me, I'll name my ships after you
6. Please, I've been at sea for five months, I beg you!
5. Can you help me navigate my way around that Wonderbra?
4. How many gold doubloons for a lap dance?
3. That's not a compass in my pocket, I'm just glad to see you
2. Babe ahoy!
1. I've got a sea monster in my pants!
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize - October 11, 1995
10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City
9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck
8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water
7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have anything sharp to write them down
6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup
5. For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a test tube
4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!"
3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer
2. You're known around the University as "Professor Gump"
1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali
Top Ten Surprises in the Dolly Parton Autobiography - October 12, 1995
10. At (her) birth, doctor thought he was delivering triplets
9. Once hitchhiked cross-country without ever lifting a thumb
8. Makes all of her own leather mini-skirts by trapping and skinning vermin
7. She was the inspiration for the huge overhanging balcony at the new Grand Ole Opry
6. Went on world tour in early 70's with Dalai lama in a show called "A Couple of Dollys"
5. She was designed by the same guy who did New York's Twin Towers
4. Tom Arnold once asked to marry her because he wanted to get his own show on "The Nashville Network"
3. In order to remain vertical, wears special counterweights on her back developed by NASA
2. One night got drunk and slept with all of the Oakridge Boys
1. Consulted on the Wonderbra project
Top Ten Rejected New Names for EuroDisney - October 13, 1995
10. Euro Disaster
9. El Biggo Mistake-o
8. Never-Never-Profit Land
7. La Veal de Guys in Big Smelly Costumes
5. Beaucoup de Crap Americain
4. Johnny Depp's Hotel of Destruction
3. Boutros Boutros-Goofy
Top Ten Signs You're Not at the Real Million Man March - October 16, 1995
10. Everybody's singing John Denver songs
9. Keynote speaker: Mark Fuhrman
8. Entire march consists of you and that Urkel guy
7. You're surrounded by people dressed as their favorite Star Trek character
6. Everywhere you look -- Osmonds
5. You see bumper stickers that say, "Don't blame me, I voted for Pat Buchanan"
4. It's held at the DMV and the "march" is moving very slowly
3. Lots of handmade signs that say, "Yanni!"
2. The Marge Schott t-shirt booth
1. Grand Marshall: Kathie Lee Gifford
Top Ten Words That Sound Cool When Sung By An Opera Singer - October 18, 1995
8. Groin pull
2. Newark, New Jersey
Top Ten Other Ways O.J. Is Relaxing - October 19, 1995
10. Dropping by his old prison cell for a dip in the Jacuzzi
9. Putting bumper sticker on car: "Honk if you're the real killers"
8. Hitting, uh, golf balls
7. Taking the Bronco out onto the highway and cranking it up to 47 MPH
6. Jumping out of hedges in front of Kato and scaring the crap out of him
5. Perfecting his "killer Margaritas"
4. Doing surprise walk-ons in other murder trials
3. Reading the new Late Show Book of Lists, available now for just $16 at bookstores everywhere (adda of book cover)
2. Joking with his buddies, "I'll tell you who's the real butcher -- whoever gave Letterman that haircut!"
1. Getting 'faced with F. Lee Bailey
Top Ten Fidel Castro Pick-Up Lines - October 23, 1995
10. I have no hard currency, but if I did could I buy you a drink?
9. You've started a revolution in my pants
8. Want to come back to my crumbling palace for a ten-year old tin of Soviet sardines?
7. When I look at you I get a 'Cuban missile crisis'
6. You are almost as gorgeous as 'Three's Company's' Joyce DeWitt (Suzanne...)
5. Would you like to join me for a little class struggle between the sheets?
4. You may never get another chance to do it with a Commie
3. Would you mind checking my beard for ticks?
2. These day long bread lines are full of phonies -- let's go someplace quiet
1. I can't spell Cuba without 'U'
Top Ten Agreements Reached By Yeltsin and Clinton - October 24, 1995
10. Russia will resume making payments on Girl Scout Cookies ordered from Chelsea
9. Agree to disagree on who's puffier
8. Whopper with cheese costs more than plain Whopper, but worth it
7. U.N. troops will be sent to stabilize CBS
6. They'll still talk on the phone after they're not re-elected
5. Vodka. French Fries. The potato is God's finest creation
4. Two countries will share advances in gravy technology
3. Beer before liquor -- get drunk quicker
2. That blond diplomatic attache from Sweden: Yowzah!
1. Deep frying is a good thing
Top Ten Least Popular Snacks Sold At The World Series - October 25, 1995
10. Darryl Strawberry's Crack Jacks
9. Dugout Oysters
8. Brent Musburgers
7. Caramel-coated Bullpen Sweepin's
6. Big League Spew
5. Ted Turner Mustache Crisps
4. Foul McNuggets
2. Sandy Alomar Malomars
1. Athletic Cup-cakes
Top Ten Gerard Finneran Excuses - October 27, 1995
10. Misread brochure about advantages of first class
9. Confused when steward asked for headset deposit
8. Went nuts after learning they were out of chicken almondine
7. Though he heard somebody yell, "We're going to crash!" and that was just something he always wanted to do before he died
6. Hoping to impress aloof blonde English woman in 2-D
5. Had already used airphone to call everyone he knew
4. You try drinking for 14 hours and see if you can tell the difference between a food cart and a bathroom
3. All part of an elaborate plan to intimidate the real killers
2. His ass wouldn't fit in the overhead compartment
1. Oh, like you've never done it
Top Ten Possible Names For Quebec If It Secedes - October 30, 1995
10. Le Grand Faux Pas
9. Lorne Greenland
8. Rand McNally's Worst Nightmare
6. International House of Pancakes
5. The Monkey On Maine's Back
3. Canada 90210
Top Ten Trick-or-Treater Pet Peeves - October 31, 1995
10. Guys who forgot to buy candy and just offer you a bite of their sandwich
9. Black jelly beans that turn out to be blood-swollen horse ticks
8. The candy bar doesn't taste quite right - then you notice it's a TWO Musketeers
7. When Bill Clinton rifles through your bag muttering about a "candy tax"
6. You stop at Mia Farrow's house, next thing you know you're adopted
5. When Ed Asner answers the door without his shirt on
4. With all these people in disguises, it makes it even harder to find the real killers! (O.J. only)
3. Going to Divine Brown's house and getting a treat, but no trick
2. Getting knocked flat by a pumpkin launched from 230 feet away
1. People who want receipts
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Fashion Model - November 01, 1995
10. You went nuts on the Halloween candy and ballooned to a size 4
9. The guy doing your make-up asks how the fight with Tyson went
8. You're still working on memorizing the word "cheese"
7. Whenever you vogue down a catwalk, it sags and creaks ominously
6. While you're modeling, you notice photographers taking pictures of each other
5. Instead of DeNiro, you're dating DeLuise
4. Only magazine cover you've ever appeared on: "Ugly Short Guy"
3. Your preferred method of getting down runway: rolling
2. Your ass and a Ford Taurus are roughly the same size
1. Your beauty mark is just spaghetti sauce
Top Ten Mistakes Clinton Says He's Made In Office - November 02, 1995
10. Signing an eight-year lease on the White House instead of four
9. Not handing Hillary over to Whitewater investigators when he had the chance
8. Thinking Letterman would be great host for Academy Awards
7. Buying CBS stock wasn't exactly like buying them cattle futures
6. During shooting attacks on White House, should've returned fire and got some damn combat experience
5. Too much back-tracking, not enough flip-flopping
4. Bad idea to do shot with Yeltsin before press conference (VT laughing)
3. Not getting Socks fixed
2. Not getting Packwood fixed
1. Gennifer Flowers
Top Ten Signs Christopher Darden and Marcia Clark are in Love - November 03, 1995
10. Recently spotted necking in back row of the Menendez Trial
9. Lately, when he rises, it's not always to object
8. They've asked Judge Ito to preside over their honeymoon and drag it out for months
7. They're covered with each other's fingerprints, if you know what I mean
6. They both giggle whenever they hear the word "subpoena"
5. The L.A.P.D. lab says the evidence shows they're not in love -- so they must be in love
4. That lingerie in Darden's laundry wasn't exactly planted by Mark Fuhrman
3. Have been speaking out in favor of cameras in the bedroom
2. Seen checking into a hotel under the name "Mr. and Mrs. Kato Lopez"
1. She obtained a search warrant for his pants
Top Ten Lifeguard Pick-up Lines - November 06, 1995
10. The Red Cross has certified me as a fully trained love machine
9. Coast Guard regulations, Miss - I have to inspect you for sand mites
8. I want to be with you tonight - even though you are a plastic CPR dummy
7. If I can't have you, life isn't worth guarding"
6. I got something that could use a little resuscitation
5. Will you help anchor my lifeguard tower by sitting on my lap?
4. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look coughing seawater out of your lungs?
3. Can I buy you a glass of Coppertone?
2. When you press your ear to my shorts, you can hear the ocean
1. Surf isn't the only thing that's up
Top Ten Ways O.J. Is Searching For The Real Killers - November 07, 1995
10. Gets on white courtesy phone at airports, has them page the real killers
9. Elaborate ongoing "Sting" operation at Pebble Beach
8. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to help out their old buddy O.J.
7. Signing autographs for money -- No killer can resist a good autograph signing
6. Dating lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives
5. Offering free upgrade on next Hertz rental
4. Trying to lure them out of hiding with carload of tacos
3. Asked the Menendez brothers to get in touch if they hear anything
2. Before sinking Putt, takes a good look in the cup to make sure they ain't hiding there
1. Watching "Real Killer Night" on Jeopardy
Top Ten Real Reasons Colin Powell Isn't Running - November 09, 1995
10. Have you ever moved into a house after hillbillies have lived there?
9. Afraid his secret draft-dodging past would be revealed
8. Was under the impression he'd have to marry Hillary
7. Duties as President would take time away from duties as secretary/treasurer of Leonard Nimoy fan club
6. Taking relaxing 2-month vacation on O.J.'s "Search for the Real Killers"
5. Thought it might be fun to sit back, watch Clinton screw up another 4 years
4. Afraid he'd be embarrassed by his deadbeat brother, Roger Powell
3. Would rather get a job Americans still respect
2. Same reason I'm not hosting next year's Academy Awards - the people want Whoopi
1. Five words: "White House Correspondent Sam Donaldson"
Top Ten Chapter Titles in Marcia Clark's Book - November 10, 1995
10. My Five Most Romantic Sidebars
9. L.A.P.D. Crime lab Bloopers and Practical Jokes
8. Working with Chris Darling -- Uh, I Mean Darden
7. Every Hour is Happy Hour with F. Lee Bailey
6. Oh Shut Up, Cochran!
5. A $4.2 Million Book Deal? Thanks, O.J.!
4. Keeping in Touch with My Kids, Billy and Um, That Other One
3. Why I Chose Not to Use that Videotape of O.J. Committing the Murders
2. Planting "Evidence" in Chris Darden's Pants
1. Okay, Okay, I'm the Real Killer
Top Ten Good Things About the Federal Government Shutting Down - November 13, 1995
10. Good time for Ted Kennedy to return his empties
9. Janet Reno goes back to wrestling alligators for a living
8. If millions of government workers stay home, maybe two or three will watch CBS
7. President Clinton can use the time off to pack
6. Much needed rest for Capitol Hill hookers
5. Hillary can break into government office and steal documents proving she and Bill are the real killers
4. With Mt. Rushmore untended, Lincoln will start looking like ZZ Top
3. Post office employees have time to clean and lubricate their weapons
2. Bob Dole gets a vacation for the first time since 1883
1. So long, I-95 speed limit!
Top Ten Non-Essential Government Jobs - November 14, 1995
10. Presidential Liaison to "Hooters"
9. Agriculture department employee assigned to counting Great Lakes
8. Secretary of Gum
7. The woman who comes in twice a week to dust off Strom Thurmond
6. Guy who covers Al Gore with tarp when meetings are over
5. Federal operator of the Bat Signal
4. Executive assistant to President Clinton's thighs
3. White House aide in charge of requests to have sex with Warren Christopher
2. The guy who stands near the White House asking blondes, "You wanna meet the President?
1. Sonny Bono
Top Ten My Retirement Plans - November 15, 1995
10. Get on city bus. Ride to end of line. Change buses. Repeat
9. Bide my time 'til I'm 90; then marry Anna Nicole Smith
8. Lead the New York Jets to a string of last-place finishes
7. Go around helping Ed McMahon deliver those giant checks
6. Take my old Spiderman suit out of mothballs; do my damndest to catch the real killers!
5. Stop getting speeding tickets in Connecticut; start getting speeding tickets in Florida
4. Write scathing expose of that ruthless bastard Paul Shaffer
3. Drive cross-country with Richard Simmons
2. Break into house of the woman who breaks into my house
1. Caddy for the Juice
Top Ten Other Ways President Clinton Has Insulted Newt Gingrich - November 16, 1995
10. Said Newt was "less of a man than Janet Reno"
9. Gave executive order to ban Newt from the local "Hooters"
8. Fried and ate his gavel
7. Didn't let Newt have any of the cool office supplies that Hillary stole from Vince Foster's desk
6. Has had more sex on Newt's desk than Newt himself
5. Attended Newt's Halloween party dressed as O.J.; killed a dozen guests
4. For Newt's birthday, gave him a Wonderbra
3. Had pilot do barrel rolls while Newt was in Air Force One bathroom
2. Designated Newt's ass as carry on luggage
1. Every day, the same greeting: "Mornin', Porky!"
Top Ten Other Problems At Hooters - November 17, 1995
10. Losing money on "D-Cup of Coffee"
9. Failure of joint venture with Disney called "Euro-Hooters"
8. Instead of ordering, customers just sit there fondling their dinner rolls
7. People keep screaming, "If this is Hooters, where are the damn Blowfish?!"
6. Workers' compensation claims way up for halter rash
5. Environmentalists complaining about the spotted owl fritters
4. Macy's Thanksgiving Parade wouldn't approve giant inflated breast balloon
3. Clinton hiring away waitresses as advisors (VT of Clinton with girls)
2. A certain customer keeps staring at the waitress's chest claiming he's "searching for the real killers"
1. Two words: sagging profits
Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets - November 20, 1995
10. Glove-compartment Slurpee machine
9. Super-itchy pants
8. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser
7. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves
6. Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean
5. Laser-action Flowbee
4. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit
3. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper
2. Real killer-detecting nine iron
1. The Quiz Machine
Top Ten Signs The Other Beatles Don't Like You - November 22, 1995
10. Whenever you start talking, they say, "Let it be, Bonehead"
9. You're making less money from the reunion than Pete Best
8. You find out you were the inspiration for "Nowhere Man"
7. If you didn't see it in T.V. Guide, you wouldn't have known about a reunion
6. The only way you can get their attention is by eating Christmas ornaments (Cut to shot of Anton eating ornaments)
5. After you spent the week working on a painting for the cover, they decide to go with "The White Album"
4. They make you sit in the back of Air Force One
3. When they hear you play, they say, "Wow -- you're even worse than Ringo!"
2. They won't stop singing "We hate you - yeah, yeah, yeah!"
1. Always trying to set you up with Yoko
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Thanksgiving Dinner - November 23, 1995
10. This turkey died after Newt Gingrich cut its Medicare
9. I'll just have a glass of Whitewater, uh, I mean, water, please
8. Sorry about Socks but the laser-guided turkey-carver is just a rough prototype
7. Commander-in-Chief to Air Force One: release gravy bomb
6. Daddy, I'm thankful that in a year we can move back to Arkansas
5. Do they always make Warren Christopher eat at the kids' table?
4. I certainly hope Letterman will continue his wonderful Thanksgiving tradition of messily drinking gravy from a gravy boat" (roll VT)
3. The Pentagon made this stuffing for only $32,000!
2. Okay, Gennifer, now this time I'll be the Pilgrim and you be the Indian
1. 'Nother turkey, Mr. President?
Top Ten Canadian Complaints About U.S. TV Shows - November 28, 1995
10. Whenever they show Niagara Falls, always "happens" to be on U.S. side
9. Not enough exciting canoe chases
8. No Monday night curling
7. Just when we get hooked on "Dweebs" -- poof! It's gone
6. One too many award shows hosted by David Letterman
5. It's really hard to play along with "Jeopardy!" after you've drunk a couple dozen Molsons
4. Not a single Canadian featured in O.J. trial
3. E.R. never about frostbite
2. During "Cheers" reruns, real beer should pour out of the TV
1. Too much Dave, not enough Paul
Top Ten Changes Westinghouse Is Planning For CBS - November 29, 1995
10. Replace "CBS Eye" with something called "The Westinghouse Finger"
9. Goodbye old shows that suck; hello new shows that suck
8. Change name to NBC
7. Replace Christmas bonus with no Christmas bonus
6. To boost ratings, switch Murphy Brown with Divine Brown
5. Give a show to that Kramer guy -- he's a riot!
4. On a very special "Walker, Texas Ranger," Walker beats the crap out of Ross Perot
3. Coming this fall: "Dr. Letterman, Medicine Woman"
2. Heightened sexual tension between Morley Safer and Mike Wallace
1. Fire everything that moves
Top Ten Good Things About Raising The Speed Limit - November 30, 1995
10. Yankee players have better chance of making it home before drugs kick in
9. If the speed limit hits 95, Anna Nicole Smith will try to marry it
8. People can rush home to not watch CBS
7. Will speed O.J.'s search for the real killers
6. Divine Brown able to squeeze in 6 more customers a day
5. Increased airflow rapidly cools scalding McDonald's coffee on your lap
4. New York cabbies will get lost even faster
3. Cops forced to spend their time chasing real criminals instead of law abiding talk show hosts
2. Sound of wind passing through the grill is just like having free Yoko Ono CD
1. High speed funeral processions
Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines - December 05, 1995
10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly
9. I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'!
8. I've got something you can hang a wreath on
7. One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer
6. Buy you a Zima?
5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you
4. Uh-yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers
3. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!
2. Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
1. I've got an elf in my pants!
Top Ten Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity - December 06, 1995
10. Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards
9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy
8. Personal thank you notes to both democratic voters
7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public
6. Spray-paint "Regis sucks" on buildings across the nation
5. New surgeon general: Dr. Pepper
4. Dukakis/Tsongas in '96
3. Change name to "The Political Party Formerly Known as Prince"
2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in school
1. Lose Hillbilly Boy
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General - December 07, 1995
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi Rum
8. Morning, noon and night you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof" socks
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima
Top Ten Guys Who Sort of Look Like Me - December 08, 1995
10. Richard Baker
9. Michael Couchois (Koo-Schwah)
8. John Hughes
7. Jack Burgess
6. Sydney Smith
5. Gary Borger
4. Michael Lundeby
3. Matt King
2. Leonard Tepper
1. Regis Philbin
Top Ten Good Things About a Cold Snap - December 11, 1995
10. Less upsetting when some guy flips you the mitten instead of the finger
9. Naked guys on D-train now wearing Speedos
8. Chance to use the word "dickey" in polite company
7. Unbearable stench of East River upgraded to just a "sickening smell"
6. Actually enjoyable to spill scalding hot McDonald's coffee on your lap
5. Very refreshing and made of natural ingredients (sorry, that's a cold Snapple)
4. Husbands of Anna Nicole Smith stay fresher longer
3. Thrill of realizing your "reflection" in ice of Hudson River is actually a mob informant
2. If hell freezes over, CBS will be number one!
1. Clinton can't wear those tiny jogging shorts
Top Ten Things Madonna Is Looking For In A Husband - December 13, 1995
10. Someone who will be patient while she's in the bathroom reinventing herself
9. Must have experience operating cone bra
8. Despite song, shouldn't expect her to really be like a virgin
7. A steady nine-to-five job and must make at least $27,000 a year
6. Open-minded about sharing their bed with lots and lots of basketball players
5. A foreigner, to expand her cultural horizons and teach her new swear words
4. Ability to vogue while pushing a lawnmower
3. First name: Andy -- Last name: Rooney
2. You know that "Million Man March?" Any one of those guys would be just fine
1. One word: gap-tooth
Top Ten Things Clinton Is Hiding In His Whitewater Notes - December 15, 1995
10. Names and numbers of back-up first ladies after Hillary goes to jail
9. Doctor's report declaring his brother Roger "a bonehead"
8. Memo to Madonna offering to sire her child
7. Hundreds of filthy limericks using the name "Newt"
6. Presidential discount card for Georgetown Hooters
5. Note to self: "Blame it on Hillary"
4. Apparently for the last couple of years he's been a "lame duck" in the sack
3. Reminder to never, ever do this again (VT of Clinton singing)
2. His passport, a fake beard, and $10,000 in cash
1. The recipe for Secret Sauce
Top Ten Least Popular Items In The CBS Store - December 18, 1995
10. Morley! Unisex cologne
9. Memoirs of the one guy who watched "Central Park West"
8. Bob Barker's 1996 calendar "Chicks I've Nailed"
7. Letterman hairpiece car-waxing shammy
6. Cybill and Bits dog food
5. Dr. Quinn, Inflatable Woman
4. So long, Connie! T-shirts
3. 45 rpm single of Dan Rather singing with R.E.M. (roll VT)
2. Old "Miami Vice" T-shirts found in dumpster behind NBC Store
1. 60 Minutes swimsuit calendar
Top Ten Good Things About A Blizzard In New York City - December 19, 1995
10. Good chance those people who always say "Cold enough for ya?" will be buried under an
9. Kids can enjoy sleigh rides with an empty grocery carton and tethered rats
8. Heavy snow makes it slightly harder to get arson fires started
7. Many muggers just call in sick
6. Snow-capped mountains of uncollected trash
5. My white mink coat doesn't attract as much attention
4. Feels like hitting a mogul when you ski over a dead body in Central Park
3. Because of dangerous conditions, on my drive to work I slow down to 90 MPH
2. A large bear reported to be rooting through trash cans turns out to be Andy Rooney in a fur coat
1. Loudmouth jerks get frostbite on middle finger
Top Ten Things Overheard In Santa's Workshop - December 20, 1995
10. Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw?
9. The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies...there's a tough gig
8. Hey Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you
7. You know Rudolph's 'naturally red nose'? Collagen injection
6. Uh-oh--looks like Fat Boy drank his lunch again
5. Shut down the assembly line for the 'Central Park West' action figures
4. Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house?
3. Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids!
2. Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did
1. It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy
Top Ten Pet Peeves Of U.S. Military Personnel - December 22, 1995
10. Having to see more naked sweaty guys before 9AM than most people see all day
9. When you ask the cook what's in the meat loaf, and he says, 'Don't ask, don't tell'
8. Camouflage fatigues make your ass look huge
7. Dorky network news anchors in combat fatigues
6. Those M.R.E.'s still suck
5. Two words: 'Helmet Rash'
4. Instead of sending all of us over here, they should have just sent O.J.
3. The crummy TV in the barracks only picks up CBS
2. You hardly ever find a real fox in your foxhole, if you know what I mean
1. The army still hasn't perfected the camouflage hairpiece
Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid - December 25, 1995
10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you"
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols - December 26, 1995
10. I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King
9. Boris The Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had An 86-Proof Nose
8. I'm Searching For The Real Killers With Every Round Of Golf I Play
7. Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going To Jail For One-To-Three
6. Influenza, Influenza, Influenza
5. O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie
4. Frosty The Crackhead Had A Crack Pipe Full Of Crack
3. I Have An Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum
2. O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty
1. Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants In A Cheap Hotel Room
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Football - December 27, 1995
10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on 'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During sex, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden
1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion
Top Ten Most Returned Gift Items - December 28, 1995
10. The Wonderbra for Dads
9. Exercise videotape: "Anna Nicole Smith's Sweatin' With The Oldies"
8. Super-Duper Eye Gouger from Kenner
7. Anything monogrammed with the letters "CBS"
6. Pancake syrup from Ebola Farms
5. Turtleneck sweater made from Ed Asner's back hair
4. Gift tin of Unpopped-Kernels-Found-In-Orville-Redenbacher
3. The Late Show Book Of Lists (sorry, that's the least returned gift, selling for $16 at
2. O.J. Simpson cutlery set
1. Giant Cow-Ass Jeans from Jordache
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party - December 29, 1995
10. You get there and it's just you and Mr. Packwood
9. Party never regains momentum after host's heart attack
8. It's January 6th
7. Andy Rooney keeps asking people to pull his finger
6. Prison regulations require lights out at 10
5. Instead of "Auld Lang Syne" it's Tonya Harding screaming obscenities
4. Guests have decided to start countdown at 10,000
3. When the ball drops, so do Grandpa's pants
2. Wacky Party Hats consist of old knit caps borrowed from O.J.
1. It's at my house