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Top Ten President Clinton's New Year's Resolutions - January 02, 1997

10. Nail that new Secretary-of-State chick 9. Make history as first President to veto a bill while up to his chin in gravy 8. Ignore Hillary next time she gets a "hot real estate tip" 7. Do his best to see that the National Anthem is changed to that "Welcome Back, Kotter" song 6. Outlaw the New York Jets 5. Appear on "Baywatch," get mouth-to-mouth from Yasmine Bleeth 4. Less waffling, more waffles! 3. Find out why Melissa Etheridge doesn't respond to his advances 2. Allocate funds to establish a National Institute of Lap-Dancing 1. Lose 125 pounds: Hillary

Top Ten Real Reasons Bryant Gumbel is Leaving the `Today Show'- January 03, 1997

10. Tired of losing his car keys in Gene Shalit's hair 9. NBC wouldn't let him devote first hour of show to wrestling highlights 8. Katie Couric always calling at 4 AM and chirping, "Up yet, sleepyhead?" 7. Furious that NBC commissary never served sandwich called the "Gumbelburger" 6. To boost rating, the network wanted him to come out as a lesbian 5. Wants to devote more time to his true calling -- collecting porcelain kitties 4. Found out that his internet sex partner, "Ingrid," was actually Matt Lauer 3. Heard they were trading Katie for Kathie Lee 2. Wants to see for himself what it's like to stand outside the "Today Show" window and give the finger 1. Sick of Willard Scott grabbing his ass

Top Ten Ways Newt Gingrich Can Improve His Image - January 06, 1997

10. Start every speech by asking, "Who else here likes puppies?" 9. Train for a couple of months, then knock the hell out of Mike Tyson 8. Stop referring to Mexico as "the gigantic burrito to our south" 7. Do cameo in "Jurassic Park" sequel as peaceful, plant-eating dinosaur 6. Nail Cokie Roberts 5. Have his name changed to "Tickle Me Newt" 4. To make public appearances more lively, put a bug zapper in his pants 3. Once and for all, take off that goofy-ass wig 2. Give every American $100 for each game lost by the New York Jets this season 1. Retire and disappear from public life forever

Top Ten Other Toys Being Discontinued by Mattel - January 07, 1997

10. Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit 9. G.I. Joe with Wet, Hacking Cough 8. Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy 7. Do-it-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (jigsaw included) 6. Cabbage Patch Hookers 5. Li'l Unabomber" Chemistry Set 4. Barbie, Ken and Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew 3. Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game 2. Adorable Wind-up Monkey with a Powerful Taste for Human Flesh 1. Tickle Me O.J.

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Losing Weight - January 08, 1997

10. McDonald's reported a 4th quarter loss of $188 million dollars 9. His morning jog no longer registers on East Coast seismographs 8. He's been officially downgraded from "tubby" to "husky" 7. Canceled his traditional inaugural ball slow dance with Colonel Sanders 6. Hookers stopped trying to charge him by the pound 5. Can dodge subpoenas for hours without breaking a sweat 4. It's been six weeks since he accidentally bit off one of his fingertips 3. His blood type has changed from "chunky style" to "creamy" 2. Only woman caught sneaking out of the White House in the last few months is Richard Simmons 1. He's been holding entire cabinet meetings in his old pants

Top Ten Signs It's Cold and Flu Season in New York - January 09, 1997

10. Fake Rolex guys also selling fake Sudafed 9. If you dial 911, you hear, "Everyone's out sick. Please call back in May" 8. To many feverish audience members, "Cats" is actually entertaining 7. Mob corpses in East River are wearing scarves and mittens 6. Hookers offering a $50 "Vapo-Rub" service 5. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in Thera-Flu 4. Guy who rubs up agains you in the subway also feels your forehead to see if it's hot 3. Cab drivers wearing turbans made of used Kleenex 2. Drug dealers selling "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, achy, stuffy-head, fever, so you can rest" crack 1. Sound of sneezing drowns out gunfire

Top Ten Other Disney World Attractions Being Closed for Renovations - January 10, 1997

10. It's a Small, Vermin-infested World 9. The Lion King's Litter Box 8. Mickey's "Loose Bolts" Roller Coaster 7. Spinning Tea Cups Full of Scalding Coffee 6. 101 Dalmatians Get Spayed and Neutered 5. The Country Bear "When Animals Attack" Jamboree 4. Computer Software Pirates of the Carribean 3. Journey through Goofy's Pancreas 2. Hall of Presidents of the Hair Club for Men 1. Robert Downey Jr.'s Wild Ride

Top Ten President Clinton Pick-Up Lines - January 13, 1997

10. I bet you could use some hillbilly lovin' 9. Ever done it in a jacuzzi full of gravy? 8. How would you like to become a minor footnote to history? 7. I want you so bad, it's worth the inevitable multi-million dollar lawsuit 6. For a Secretary of State, you've got a great ass 5. Is your husband really fulfilling your needs, Mrs. Yeltsin? 4. My wife's going to jail. Wanna party? 3. Do you take Visa? 2. I just ratified a bill -- how would you like to gratify a Bill?" 1. Let's McDo it!"

Top Ten Reasons Martha Stewart Left NBC for CBS - January 14, 1997

10. Willard Scott wouldn't let her glue pine cones to his head. 9. Tired of NBC execs making her pop out of the cake at parties. 8. CBS offered her millions to build a new Andy Rooney out of household junk. 7. It's her lifelong dream to be on the same network as Chuck Norris. 6. NBC stopped her from doing segment on "Baking With Pot." 5. She mistakenly believes CBS is the network with Urkel. 4. Today Show wouldn't let her present gingerbread recipe in Ebonics. 3. She and I agreed that it might help our strained marriage. 2. Jane wouldn't stop referring to her as "That prissy little bitch." 1. She's insane.

Top Ten Surprising Things O.J. Said on the Witness Stand - January 15, 1997

10. Sorry I'm late -- I was out golfing with the jury from the criminal trial 9. From now on, call me `The Murderer Formerly Known as O.J. 8. Me no comprendo the ingles, your honor 7. How about I plead guilty to jaywalking and make this whole thing go away? 6. What kind of system is this -- I'm in court, and the New York Jets are out walking the streets! 5. Those Bruno Magli shoes weren't mine -- I never wear anything but Easy Spirit pumps 4. Marcia Clark? Nailed `er 3. Who do I have to kill to get a glass of water around here? 2. I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you...Oh, wait, I did get away with it 1. I did it -- so sue me!

Top Ten Dennis Rodman Excuses - January 16, 1997

10. Thought the guys said, "Could you please kick me in the groin?" 9. His sneaker was attracted by powerful electomagnet hidden in guy's pants 8. He was just auditioning for the Rockettes 7. Two words: he's nuts 6. Wanted to do his part to end over-population 5. Saw deadly black widow spider on guy's lap 4. After intense soul-searching and several sessions with a psychoanalyst, believes he did it to get attention 3. Promised little boy in hospital he'd kick a guy in the groin for him 2. It wasn't me -- it was that bastard Michael Irvin! 1. P.M.S.

Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different if Everyone Were Named Kevin - January 17, 1997

10. Former Secretary General of the United Nations: Kevin Kevin-Ghali 9. Musician Prince is "The Artist Formerly Known as and also is Currently Known as Kevin" 8. When someone says, "Knock, knock," and you say, "Who's there?" you can be pretty sure what's coming 7. Your cab driver's name: KEVIIWYONN 6. Fraternity guys would all be nicknamed "Kev-O" 5. Punchline to famous joke: "Kevin Goulet? Yeah" 4. When it sounds like Springsteen fans are booing, they're actually yelling "Kevin" 3. There's a really cool Twilight Zone episode about a guy named "Bob" 2. If you're having sex with your wife Kevin, but you're fantasizing about supermodel Kevin Schiffer, and at the height of passion you accidentally call out, "Kevin!" -- No problem! 1. Popular snack: Slim Kevins

Top Ten Revelations in the New Tell-All Book About the White House - January 20, 1997

10. Hillary recently signed up for MCI's "Dead Friends and Family" plan 9. Sometimes Bill skips the fries and just starts chugging the Wesson Oil 8. Mattress in Lincoln Bedroom is stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents 7. In secret seances, Roger Clinton seeks advice from the spirit of Billy Carter 6. If re-elected, Bill plans to open a "Hooters" in the West Wing 5. Al Gore had to talk Bill out of awarding Medal of Freedom to creator of the Arch Deluxe 4. Days before Playboy hits the stands, FBI informs President of playmate-of-the-month "turn-ons" 3. Clintons once paid a cable guy $50 to "juice them up" 2. With help of psychic advisor, Bill slept with ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt 1. Bill's original choice for drug czar: Robert Downey Jr.

Top Ten Martha Stewart's Worst Tips For Living - January 21, 1997

10. If you notice a guest using the "wrong" fork, pick up the "right" fork and jam it into his head 9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces 8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own 7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines 6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what's in the chili 5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows 4. To liven up a "black tie only" affair, wear only a black tie 3. You want livin'? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard 2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth 1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair

Top Ten Things To Do In New York During A Blizzard - January 22, 1997

10. Hand out thermal turbans to cab drivers 9. Visit Time Square's new outdoor strip club: "Chapped Laps" 8. Hook up team of rats and start your own Iditarod 7. During high winds, spit off the Empire State Building and try to nail someone in Newark 6. As a goodwill gesture, go down to Times Square and offer to de-ice a hooker 5. Play prank on crackhead by selling him vial of snow 4. Walk in front of CBS, slip on the ice, and sue! sue! sue! 3. Throw snowballs at an archery target 2. Stay home and fax people the finger 1. Walk through Time's Square with a sign around your neck that says, "Plow Me"

Top Ten Mistakes Clinton Says He's Made In Office - January 23, 1997

10. Signing an eight-year lease on the White House instead of four 9. Not handing Hillary over to Whitewater investigators when he had the chance 8. Thinking Letterman would be great host for Academy Awards 7. Buying CBS stock wasn't exactly like buying them cattle futures 6. During shooting attacks on White House, should've returned fire and got some damn combat 5. Too much back-tracking, not enough flip-flopping 4. Bad idea to do shot with Yeltsin before press conference (VT laughing) 3. Not getting Socks fixed 2. Not getting Packwood fixed 1. Gennifer Flowers

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Angry - January 24, 1997

10. His pasty white thighs now have a dull red glow 9. He actually talked back to Hillary 8. The gravy in his veins rushes to his head 7. For a change, shots are being fired from the White House 6. He's using the F-word like he's Madonna 5. He can't even think about dating 4. Went to pet store, bought a newt, named it "Gingrich," barbecued it 3. He gives people on the White House tour the finger 2. When pizza was late, he beat delivery boy to death with a Yoo Hoo bottle 1. His '96 campaign slogan: "You can all bite me"

Top Ten Patriots' Excuses - January 27, 1997

10. Just wanted to get the game over with and watch the "X Files" 9. Too much pre-game gumbo 8. All of their defensive plays were choreographed by dance legend Martha Graham 7. Thought wearing those cheese hats was punishment enough for Green Bay fans 6. One too many late night "strategy sessions" with Michael Irvin 5. On a dare, Bledsoe played entire game with live crawfish in his pants 4. Spent too much time studying game film from Bud Bowl III 3. Players upset by rumor of surprise halftime appearance by Kathie Lee Gifford 2. Over-confident from pre-game practice with the Jets 1. With six games to go, it's still anyone's series

Top Ten Ways O.J. Can Still Win Civil Trial - January 28, 1997

10. Talk Matlock into coming out of retirement 9. Bolster public image by doing hilarious cameo appearance on "Suddenly Susan" 8. Produce surprise "confession letter" from the late Erma Bombeck 7. Convince jury that his Bruno Magli shoes acted on their own 6. Get name of lawyer who's been keeping the Clintons out of jail 5. Paralyze entire legal system by killing, like, 800 more people 4. Right when the judge says, "Guilty," yell, "Innocent" really loud and hope no one notices 3. Blame it all on that annoying "Lil' Penny Hardaway" puppet 2. Catchy new rhyme: "Everything O.J. said is true -- find him innocent or he'll kill you" 1. Four words: "It was Richard Jewell!"

Top Ten Other Mistakes Admitted by President Clinton - January 29, 1997

10. Shouldn't have sent warships to invade Oregon 9. On tour of NASA, broke into storeroom and ate all the freeze-dried ice cream 8. Taking bribes from crooked Indonesian businessmen really alienated crooked American businessmen 7. Unwittingly popularized phrase, "don't go there, girlfriend" 6. Got really drunk at inaugural ball and accidentally slept with Hillary 5. When voting for D.C. Mayor, wrote in candidate "McCheese" 4. Asked Barney Frank, "how's the wife?" 3. In moment of weakness, pardoned John Tesh for crimes against humanity 2. Tried to outdo Dole's Visa commercial by appearing in Hooters commercial 1. Despite many opportunities, has only nailed Martha Stewart twice

Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs - January 30, 1997

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares 9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause 8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!" 7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia 6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr. 5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy 4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers 3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest 2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!" 1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

Top Ten Surprises in the New Version of Star Wars - January 31, 1997

10. Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner 9. Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian 8. Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas 7. Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy 6. Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin 5. Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me the money!" 4. Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather 3. Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies 2. New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons 1. R2D2? Gay

Top Ten Things Overheard at Our First Show 15 Years Ago - February 03, 1997

10. If we do jokes in groups of ten, maybe the audience won't notice how much they suck 9. Wow, Buddy Ebsen looks great! 8. Why does he have a woodchuck stapled to his head? 7. It's kind of creepy how all the seats are filled with mannequins 6. Let's just coast for 11 years until we move to CBS 5. He's shaking like a little bunny 4. Isn't that the guy who ate soil on `That's Incredible' last week? 3. The bandleader's passed out drunk, and the only person who can play keyboards is that weird Canadian intern! 2. Now that I've got my own network show, I'll finally be able to nail Nell Carter 1. For a skinny white guy, he sure can dance

Top Ten O.J. Defense Team Excuses - February 05, 1997

10. Hard to prepare a defense when you're trying to negotiate a book deal 9. Mistake to let O.J. appear in court wearing Bruno Magli shoes 8. Wasted $10,000 on so-called "jury hypno-wheel" 7. After buying each juror a puppy, we thought we were home free 6. Hard to concentrate with Faye Resnick posing for Playboy in the back of the courtroom 5. Turns out that a major civil liability suit can be won by simply using the "force" 4. In retrospect, maybe it was a bad idea to let O.J. host "Saturday Night Live" 3. Tough to defend a client against murder when he, like, killed two people 2. Should have discouraged O.J. from marketing his new cologne, "Guilty-Ass Bastard" 1. Three words: no Mark Fuhrman

Top Ten Signs Your Golf Partner is a Killer - February 06, 1997

10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo 9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel 8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman 7. When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention 6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole 5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag 4. When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as Marcia Clark prosecutes!" 3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local putt-putt 2. When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid schizophrenia" 1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings

Top Ten Ways My Life Would Have Been Different If I Had Never Had a Show - February 07, 1997

10. I wouldn't have gotten the eyelid tucks and the lip implants 9. Nike never would have released my personal line of "Air Dave" sneakers 8. I'd have to settle for regular Kraft Macaroni and Cheese instead of deluxe 7. I'd be stuck with thousands of useless LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN t-shirts 6. My part in "Cabin Boy" would have gone to Howie Mandel 5. Would have attended "Merv Griffin's Fantasy Talk Show Camp" in Jacksonville, Florida 4. People would call me "that creepy guy" instead of "that creepy guy with the TV show" 3. My hairpiece would be laughingstock of neighborhood, not nation 2. I'd be borrowing $20 a week from Mom instead of sending her $20 1. I'd have to hire a woman to break into my house

Top Ten Signs Your Wife is Having an Affair with the President - February 10, 1997

10. Her new perfume smells like Special Sauce 9. Suddenly, your thighs aren't pasty-white enough for her 8. She's been paying for groceries with fat rolls of Indonesian currency 7. During State of the Union address, you catch her licking the TV screen 6. Whenever she sees Paula Jones, she snarls, "He's mine, bitch!" 5. For Valentine's Day she gives you little bottles of shampoo from the D.C. Marriott 4. During sex, she accidentally screams out, "Tubby!" 3. Every night at 10 o'clock, two Secret Service guys come into your bedroom and shoot you with tranquilizer darts 2. Your name: Billy. Title of the President's last speech: "Hey, Billy, I'm nailing your wife" 1. She's a female citizen of the United States of America

Top Ten Ways O.J.'s Life Will Be Different Now That He's Broke - February 11, 1997

10. Goodbye Bruno Magli...hello Hush Puppies! 9. His attorney for the appeal: a 14-year-old who once saw "Law and Order" 8. Might have to do one of those humiliating "Milk Mustache" ads 7. He and Kato will be fighting over sofas to sleep on 6. Next time he kills somebody, he might actually go to jail 5. Will have to trade in his knit cap for a McDonald's hairnet 4. Before: golf with Warren Beatty. Now: bowling with guy who played Dwayne on "What's Happenin'!" 3. Will have to start making shopping mall appearances with other famous murderers 2. A.C. Cowlings will be driving O.J. from house-to-house on his paper route 1. He'll have to make do with gloves that don't fit

Top Ten Ways Celebrities Can Raise $33.5 Million Dollars - February 12, 1997

10. Oksana Baiul -- Return all her empties for deposits 9. Janet Reno -- Rejoin the "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" 8. Bill Gates -- Look under his sofa cushions 7. Boutros Boutros-Ghali -- Auction off a Boutros 6. Marcia Clark -- Screw up some more murder trials and write books about them 5. Gary Burghoff (Radar from "M*A*S*H") -- Tour the country as star of Broadway show "Radar-Mania" 4. Robert Downey Jr. -- Vacuum his apartment, then sell contents of bag on street 3. Me, Dave Letterman -- Switch networks again 2. Cast of "Bring in `Da Noise, Bring in `Da Funk -- Bring in less funk, causing funk shortage; when worldwide funk prices soar, bring in funk again, thereby making a killing on the open market 1. President Clinton -- Appear in "Star Wars" sequel as space creature "Bubba the Hut"

Top Ten Signs Your Secret Admirer is Nuts - February 13, 1997

10. Every day the words "Be Mine" are freshly mowed into your lawn 9. His last letter ended, "If you won't be my Valentine, will you at least be my alibi?" 8. There's something trying to get out of one of the chocolates 7. To impress you, he attempts to assassinate funnyman Arte Johnson 6. Sends you love poem: "I'd like for you and I to date, `cause you're so much prettier than my cellmate" 5. Says he'll meet with you as soon as the standoff with the FBI is over 4. He somehow manages to write you a 30-page love letter that only uses the word "pancakes" 3. Her name is Linda and she's one happenin' lady 2. He's convinced Hillary won't notice if you move into the Lincoln Bedroom 1. He thinks O.J. is innocent

Top Ten Valentine's Day Movies Playing in Times Square - February 14, 1997

10. Evita Does Argentina 9. Backdoor Cupid 8. Secrets and Lays 7. The English Patient and His Swedish Nurse 6. Fools Rush In and Out 5. Everyone Says I Laid You 4. The Beautician, The Beast and The Pizza Delivery Guy 3. Ladies and Gentlemen, Marv Albert! 2. Dante's Pork 1. Star Whores

Top Ten Things That Would Be Different if Clinton Had Been Our First President - February 17, 1997

10. Instead of "President," highest office in the land is called, "Burger King " 9. Indiana and Ohio known as "East and West Bubbaland" 8. Preamble to Constitution contains 23 references to cheese fries 7. His early morning jogs would have been enough to scare off the entire Indian population 6. The first amendment: "You have the right to get, like, totally stoned" 5. Schoolchildren learn about how Clinton chopped down a cherry tree, then ate it 4. The term "Father of Our Country" would have an entirely different meaning 3. Instead of man wearing powdered wig, dollar bill features man holding powdered donut 2. Washington Monument would be anatomically correct 1. Our national bird: the Chicken McNugget

Top Ten Reasons O.J. Is Moving To Florida - February 18, 1997

10. He's fed up with Hollywood's declining moral values. 9. New job heading Bruno Magli's gator-skin shoe division. 8. Hoping to "kill" a few frozen Margaritas. 7. Punishment for wrongful death in Dade County: $15 fine and a written apology. 6. Hopes someday to join a retirement community for elderly psychopaths. 5. Offer from Burt Reynolds dinner theater to star with Kato Kaelin in "The Odd Couple". 4. Planning to hunt down those snotty little punks from MTV's "Real World" in Miami. 3. Florida golf courses less strict about the "No Murderers" rule. 2. One in a million chance that he can get work promoting fresh-squeezed Florida "OJ". 1. He's guilty... of loving shuffleboard.

Top Ten Surprises in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue - February 19, 1997

10. This year's theme: "girls who wouldn't date you in a million years". 9. All the supermodels were busy, so they hired the office cleaning staff. 8. Stephanie Seymour's "Urkel" tatoo. 7. Because nobody reads the articles, they just reprinted a 1985 interview with "Refrigerator" Perry. 6. Flexible new binding makes it much easier to read with one hand. 5. They saved money on travel expenses by shooting the whole thing on Staten Island. 4. History of the bikini includes several photos of J. Edgar Hoover. 3. As part of an advertising deal with Dinty Moore, models had to pose knee-deep in stew. 2. Exotic locations include Venezuela, Monte Carlo, and the oval office. 1. All the swimsuits are modeled by Richard Simmons.

Top Ten The Rejected Slogans for Major League Baseball - February 20, 1997

10. Groin pulls? We got 'em! 9. Slightly more exciting than badminton! 8. We wanna get to third base with you. 7. If you build it, they'll go on strike. 6. Sit within spitting distance of Roberto Alomar. 5. Slower than a slug dipped in cough syrup. 4. The game as big as Cecil Fielder. 3. If you do the watchin', we'll do the scratchin'. 2. Get off your Babe Ruth-sized ass and come see a game! 1. Hey -- choke up on this!

Top Ten Signs You've Seen the `Star Wars' Movies Too Many Times - February 21, 1997

10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O" 9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope" 8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca 7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions without consulting Mark Hamill 6. Your favorite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?" 5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid" 4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open a can of pears 3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader and almost had a heart attack 2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean 1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot

Top Ten Rejected Ben and Jerry Flavors - February 24, 1997

10. Rocky Roadkill 9. Cholesterol Chunk 8. Fudge Wapner 7. It Came from Wolf Blitzer's Beard 6. Contraceptive Crunch 5. Last Will and Testa-Mint 4. Marv Sherbert 3. Richard Simmons' Fruit Swirl 2. Michael Jackson's White Chocolate 1. Cookies 'n' Crack

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Grammy Award - February 25, 1997

10. Your band consists of you, your Uncle Bob, and his touch-tone phone 9. Your hit single was titled "The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences Sucks" 8. Academy has never honored a musician who plays a comb with a piece of Kleenex over it 7. When the usher looks at your ticket, he says, "Oh, yes, the loser section" 6. Critics say your music just hasn't been the same since Vanilli left the band 5. You're always being asked to do benefit concerts for the tone-deaf 4. All of your gangsta rap songs contain the phrase "tea cozy" 3. No award for "Best Rendition of `Sexual Healing' by a drunken guy at his sister's wedding" 2. You play the pan flute, and four of the judges are sleeping with that son-of-a-bitch Zamfir 1. You're "the Artist Formerly Known as Tony Orlando"

Top Ten Good Things About Having a Clone - February 26, 1997

10. Send your clone to work in the morning, then spend rest of day watching UP and eating fudge 9. The two of you can star in an adorable ad campaign for Xerox 8. At parties, you're no longer automatically the biggest loser in the room 7. Most interstate highways now feature fast-moving clone lane 6. You'll get to know Michael Jackson during meetings of the Genetic Oddities Club 5. No longer have to choose between dating Siegfried and dating Roy 4. At some point, you'll have entire week of "Jenny Jones" shows devoted to you 3. Can take advantage of "Clones Eat Free" special at Ponderosa 2. Your clone can do your jail time while you continue on as First Lady of the United States 1. Three words: frequent flier miles

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Grammys - February 27, 1997

10. I don't know whether it was Milli or Vanilli, but one of them just parked my car! 9. No, Dr. Kevorkian, we don't need any help with the `Unplugged' segments 8. I just found Robert Downey Jr. asleep on my dressing room floor 7. A confused Indonesian guy just gave a million dollars to the band, Presidents of the United States of America 6. It's only your acceptance speech, Mrs. Clinton. You don't need a lawyer 5. That's funny -- Marilyn Manson looks completely normal standing next to Michael Jackson 4. They just brought in Da Noise, but Da Funk is stuck in traffic on the West Side Highway 3. Oh my God -- Hillary Clinton just left with Rob Zombie! 2. Ellen DeGeneres announced she's a lesbian -- and so did Richard Simmons! 1. Run for your lives! It's Tiny Tim!

Top Ten Signs McDonald's Is in Financial Trouble - February 28, 1997

10. After asking if you want fries with that, they ask if they can sleep on your couch 9. Instead of name tags, employees write their own names on their shirts in ketchup 8. Mayor McCheese now moonlighting as exotic dancer 7. Special promotion: for a pledge of $100, the manager will deep-fry his own hand 6. Old sign: "Over 35 billion served;" New sign: "Please buy something or we're, like, totally screwed" 5. Oil in deep-fryer now changed every six months instead of every two months 4. As last-ditch effort to attract customers, they're putting meat in the burgers 3. The only thing secret about the sauce is that it expired in March 2. Haggard Ronald McDonald wanders through restaurant, asking customers, "Are you going to finish that?" 1. Happy Meals now 25% less happy

Top Ten Signs Mayor Giuliani is Nuts - March 03, 1997

10. Opens press conference by singing a few verses of "Smoke on the Water" 9. Enjoyed "Victor/Victoria" so much, he's changing his name to "Rudy Julie-Andrews" 8. Every morning, willingly drinks a glass of New York City tap water 7. Wants to encase city in giant lucite bubble "to keep out all the flyin' monkeys" 6. Left Mrs. Giuliani alone with President Clinton for five minutes 5. Attributes drop in crime rate to his after-hours work as Batman 4. Approved plan to open a Starbucks in the head of the Statue of Liberty 3. Arrives at all appointments riding piggy-back on Al Sharpton 2. He's been moonlighting as male stripper called "Rudy the Rocket" 1. Believes Michael Jackson is the real father of that baby

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia - March 04, 1997

10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's open one or two hours a day 9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin" Gigante 8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator 7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his driveway 6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: paper boy gets "iced" 5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off" 4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for apple crisp 3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants 2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow 1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes

Top Ten Signs Americans Are Too Fat - March 05, 1997

10. When asked to name a health drink, nine out of 10 Americans said "Crisco" 9. Recent Delta flight from New York to Boston had to taxi up Interstate 95 the whole way 8. Red Lobster had to discontinue "all the shrimp you can eat" because shrimp became extinct 7. Nike changed slogan from "Just Do It" to "Who Wants Pizza?" 6. Times Square lapdancers out of business due to disappearance of laps 5. Most new homes now equipped with hot and cold running gravy 4. National Parks Service approved addition of Ben and Jerry to Mount Rushmore 3. It's been five years since the Space Mountain rollercoaster made it up the first hill 2. 911 reporting huge increase in callers with ass caught in Craftmatic adjustable bed 1. Most common first word for babies: "supersize"

Top Ten Ways Al Gore Tried to Raise Money for the Democratic Party - March 06, 1997

10. Competed in pay-per-view "ultimate fighting" match against Janet Reno 9. For six months, did nothing but check pay phones for quarters 8. Secretly sold the entire state of New Jersey to the Swedes 7. Signed deal to turn the Bill of Rights into "the Frito Lay Bill of Rights" 6. Made a quick $300,000 by returning Ted Kennedy's empties 5. For $20, let people sign their names to the Declaration of Independence 4. Got Iraqi spies drunk and sold them the blueprints for a hair dryer 3. Asked Hillary for a few investment tips 2. Equipped Lincoln Bedroom with coin-operated condom machine 1. Vice President by day, Hollywood hooker by night

Top Ten Surprises in Howard Stern's `Private Parts' - March 07, 1997

10. Brief cameo by a topless Martha Stewart 9. In 1983, Howard paid Cher $2 million for permission to use her hair style 8. Role of "Baba Booey" played by Sir John Gielgud 7. Movie is about Howard's years as a gifted but eccentric piano player 6. Stuttering John is the real father of Michael Jackson's baby 5. As a youth, Howard was a dead ringer for Urkel 4. Shockingly violent scene in which Howard is nearly beaten to death by Casey Kasem 3. The fact that I, David Letterman, got to be in another movie after "Cabin Boy" 2. In a surprising twist of events, it turns out that Howard sort of, like, digs lesbians 1. Howard's father: Darth Vader

Top Ten Signs You're Not at the Real Million Man March - March 10, 1997

10. Everybody's singing John Denver songs 9. Keynote speaker: Mark Fuhrman 8. Entire march consists of you and that Urkel guy 7. You're surrounded by people dressed as their favorite Star Trek character 6. Everywhere you look -- Osmonds 5. You see bumper stickers that say, "Don't blame me, I voted for Pat Buchanan" 4. It's held at the DMV and the "march" is moving very slowly 3. Lots of handmade signs that say, "Yanni!" 2. The Marge Schott t-shirt booth 1. Grand Marshall: Kathie Lee Gifford

Top Ten Signs Your CIA Colleague May Be a Russian Spy - March 11, 1997

10. Knows hundreds of recipes for turnips 9. Took sick day to tape "Maury Povich Show" when topic was 'I married a Russian spy' 8. Drinks Russian dressing like it's soda pop 7. At annual CIA/KGB softball game, always seems to make error that loses game for CIA 6. Keeps frozen corpse of Lenin displayed on desk 5. Takes a lot of "Souvenir Photos" of classified documents 4. When Bruce Springsteen comes on the radio, he says, "Comrade boss is good, no?" 3. Always bragging about the time he nailed Mrs. Yeltsin 2. Wears one of them big ass fuzzy hats 1. Everywhere you look: Borscht!

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Watches Too Much T.V. - March 12, 1997

10. Instead of coughing, emits short bursts of static 9. Constantly murdering people in hopes of meeting Angela Lansbury 8. Most T.V. commercials have begun addressing him by name 7. You can adjust his volume using the remote control 6. He's seen Tom Arnold's show 5. Room covered with giant poster of shirtless Bob Barker 4. The poor little bastard's got Koppel hair 3. Steals batteries from your pacemaker to put in remote control 2. He's 6, and his ass covers entire couch 1. Always answers in the form of a questions

Top Ten Signs No One Wants To Be Your Valentine - March 13, 1997

10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you 9. FOX is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted" 8. You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets 7. The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made Star Trek uniform 6. You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders 5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards--and you're a woman! 4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration 3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards 2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy 1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"

Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines - March 14, 1997

10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly 9. I put the 'scroo' in 'Scrooge'! 8. I've got something you can hang a wreath on 7. One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer 6. Buy you a Zima? 5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you 4. Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers 3. I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley! 2. Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love! 1. I've got an elf in my pants!

Top Ten Ways President Clinton's Injury Has Changed His Life - March 17, 1997

10. Now sexually harassing nurses instead of secretaries 9. Has to take his daily gallon of gravy intravenously 8. Visiting dignitaries now asked to lend a hand during President's sponge bath 7. Has to remember to lock wheels on wheelchair before getting a lap dance 6. While doped up on painkillers, called Peter Jennings a "fruity Canadian bastard" 5. Had to postpone his three-day "summit" with the Spice Girls 4. Gets big laughs by calling his leg "as useless as Al Gore" 3. After accepting large donations from Indonesian businessmen, asks them to sign his cast 2. New pickup line: "How'd you like a ride on wheelchair one?" 1. Two words: medicinal marijuana

Top Ten Signs That You Won't Be Winning an Academy Award - March 18, 1997

10. Instead of "direct to video," your movie was released "direct to landfill" 9. Film title includes the words "booty" and/or "call" 8. Did Quentin Tarantino direct your movie? No. Did Quentin Tarantino star in your movie? Yes 7. After he saw your film, Salman Rushdie called for your death 6. In your movie, all of Sharon Stone's nude scenes are done by a stand-in named Stu 5. Every time you yelled "action" your lead actor started shaking like a medicated bunny 4. The name of your movie: "The People vs. Larry King" 3. You're this guy 2. When reviewing your films, Siskel and Ebert use a different finger 1. Your movie's ad line: "Richard Simmons is Hamlet"

Top Ten Signs You'd Make a Bad C.I.A. Director - March 19, 1997

10. Before spying on someone, you always ask, "Mind if I snoop around a little?" 9. You've got a letter of recommendation from Fidel Castro 8. Your last covert mission was stealing frozen burritos from 7-11 7. Whenever someone asks you for the time, you say, "Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything I know!" 6. You still think O.J. didn't do it 5. The last piece of "intelligence" you acquired was that nougat is chewy 4. You think Bosnia is one of the Spice Girls 3. Your name: "Larry" Your ATM code: "Larry" 2. You keep a secret about as well as Ellen DeGeneres 1. You think "C.I.A" is pronounced "see-ya"

Top Ten Reasons Bryant Gumbel Is Leaving The Today Show - March 20, 1997

10. Found out that Gene Shalit borrowed his comb 9. Today Show Dr. Art Ulene's physicals last a little too long 8. Has some grand plan about something called "The Yesterday Show" 7. You try dealing with "Katie Perky" every morning at 5 a.m. 6. Tired of sitting there helplessly while New Yorkers outside window give him the finger 5. He's pregnant 4. Wants to get out of town where guys sell bacon from a briefcase 3. Got starring role in the Greg Gumbel story 2. Wants to have more sex on the internet using nickname "Giant Bryant" 1. He's getting out of the television business -- he's going to work at CBS

Top Ten Reasons Anna Nicole Smith is Bankrupt - March 21, 1997

10. Gets sued every time her Wonderbra flies off and kills a guy 9. Dead husband left her nothing but CBS stock 8. Victoria's Secret started charging by the yard 7. Constantly bribing janitors to let her in the back doors of nursing homes 6. $60,000 in buttmaster repairs 5. Paid a ton to install giant ditch in front yard to catch old guys with 4. John Du Pont backed out of his promise to take care of her 3. Recently gave up modeling to study cold fusion 2. New husband George Burns just refuses to die 1. Two words: silicone ass

Top Ten President Clinton's Recurring Nightmares - March 24, 1997

10. It's a gigantic town hall meeting, and everyone is Sam Donaldson 9. For some reason, everyone starts calling him "Mr. Dukakis" 8. Drifting in a lifeboat with Richard Simmons 7. People find out about that old Whitewater deal 6. During press conference, can't stop saying no 5. Something to do with Gore in a sundress and pumps 4. He's in an operating room and surgeon is Socks, and he's still steamed about being neutered 3. Some dweeb with a lame talk show will keep making fun of my love of French fries 2. Can't get Streisand tickets 1. Can't get Streisand

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards - March 25, 1997

10. I'm sorry -- no food allowed in the auditorium, Mr. Ebert 9. Nine Oscars for `The English Patient' -- one more and they would have tied `Cabin Boy'" 8. Oh my God -- Price is kissing Waterhouse 7. I'm sorry, those seats are reserved for the two people who actually saw `Secrets and Lies' 6. Larry Flynt just grabbed Streisand's ass! 5. I can't believe Juliette Binoche wore the same gown as Dennis Rodman 4. That's good -- Cuba Gooding Jr. just thanked Danny Bonaduce 3. Jack Palance is out in the parking lot doing one-arm pushups 2. I hope Richard Gere wins `Weirdest Celebrity Rumor' 1. Who's the geek in the crashing airplane?

Top Ten Other Signs George Bush Is Nuts - March 26, 1997

10. He asked Dan Quayle to pack his parachute 9. Hired sky-writer to write "Marry me, Oprah" over her building in Chicago 8. Insists that his wife refer to him as "Jorge, the Spanish God of love" 7. Just joined a carpool with Oksana Baiul 6. Showed up at Houston Rockets game wearing nothing but a Presidential Seal 5. He's running out of body parts to pierce 4. For second year in a row, beat out Ross Perot in "Craziest Living Texan" competition 3. He's been stalking the guy who played "Horshack" on "Welcome Back, Kotter" 2. Claims he's nailed all five Spice Girls 1. His enormous saline breast implants

Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves - March 27, 1997

10. Constantly having to bail your brother, the Trix rabbit, out of the drunk tank 9. You always spend the day after Easter plucking the buckshot out of your tail 8. It's tough to get dates when you smell "eggy" 7. Make one little mistake, and they turn your feet into keychains 6. When people see you hopping around with a basket, they automatically assume you're gay 5. Ass 4. Having to work the other 364 days as a fry-cook at Denny's 3. Jewish kids and their "hilarious" firecrackers 2. News flash to all you wacky dads out there: you're not the first to come up with "Show me the bunny" 1. Two words: rat traps

Top Ten Good Things About Winning An Academy Award - March 28, 1997

10. People used to ask me, "Who the hell are you?" Now they ask me, "Who the hell are you, Oscar boy?" 9. Let's face it -- when your name is "Billy Bob," you need all the help you can get 8. Few if any Oscar winners have ever been struck by lightning 7. For a couple of months, you've got a great answer when somebody asks, "So what's new with you?" 6. McDonald's automatically supersizes your french fried pertaters 5. On this year's federal tax form, I can mark "Yes" in the "Have you ever won an Oscar" box 4. You can use the "Academy Award Winners Only" lane on the Ventura Freeway 3. Your new answering maching message: "Sorry I can't come to the phone. I'm buffing my Oscar" 2. I just got offered the lead role in "Booty Call 2" 1. Two words: Oscar groupies

Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House Easter Egg Roll - March 31, 1997

10. I'm sorry, Mr. President, this event doesn't involve any actual eggrolls. 9. For a 94-year-old, that Strom Thurmond sure can hop. 8. I didn't find any eggs, but I did find these old Whitewater documents. 7. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Gore will chase, catch, and devour a live rabbit. 6. Is that senator Kennedy trying to roll a shot glass? 5. $500 seems a little steep just to roll an Easter egg into the Lincoln bedroom. 4. Isn't that cute -- the Easter bunny gave Hillary a chocolate subpoena! 3. Look -- President Bush is skydiving with a bunny suit on! 2. No Mr. President, we didn't hide any 'Easter bacon.' 1. Hey -- that's no kid -- that's George Stephanopoulos!

Top Ten Ways the IRS Can Improve it's Image - April 01, 1997

10. Change name from "I.R.S." to "F.U.N." 9. Tell dumb guys that "I.R.S." stands for "International House of Pancakes." 8. If your auditor doesn't have minty-fresh breath, you don't pay a dime. 7. New ad campaign: 3 lovable frogs that say, "I," "R," "S." 6. In addition to the short form and the long form, introduce an extra-long form called the "Magnum." 5. Two words: deductible fudge. 4. Publish pamphlet: "101 ways to cheat on your taxes and not get caught." 3. From now on, if you're short on cash, you can pay in "good vibes." 2. Throw Leona Helmsley in jail again. 1. Stop hassling folks, dude.

Top Ten Signs The Ringling Brothers Circus Has Gone Downhill - April 02, 1997

10. You hear someone say, "Wow -- two whole clowns fit in that little car!" 9. Fire-eater quit and was replaced by a guy who swallows gum 8. No clowns, no stunts -- just jai-alai and cockfights 7. Fatlady only weighs about 145 6. Instead of firing a guy out of a cannon, they just dump him out of a moving car 5. 15 minutes into the show, the ringmaster is asking audience if they have any special talents 4. All the strongman does is unscrew the tops of tough-to-open jars 3. The Ringling brothers don't even bother to ringle anymore 2. Cotton candy tastes suspiciously like fiberglass insulation 1. The tightrope is six inches off the ground

Top Ten Revelations in Marcia Clark's New Book - April 03, 1997

10. During sex, Chris Darden constantly shouts, "objection!" 9. For first 8 months of trial, thought she was on defense team 8. Once offered Fred Goldman $1,000 to touch his moustache 7. Can bench press 265 6. In law school, skipped class the day they covered "How to convict a guy who is absolutely, 100% guilty" 5. In retrospect, may have been a mistake to deliver closing argument in Dutch 4. Got her law degree from that Sally Struthers correspondence school 3. Now believes that real killer is William "Refrigerator" Perry 2. Personally found out what the "F" stands for in F. Lee Bailey 1. In book's foreword, a complete confession by O.J.

Top Ten Signs You're In a Bad Cult - April 04, 1997

10. Name of the cult: The "Larry Krishnas" 9. Meetings always end with, "now let's go out and sell some Amway products!" 8. Cult website is called, "www.nutcase.com" 7. Entire membership consists of three twelve-year-olds and a schnauzer 6. You hear the words "next level" and "castration" in the same sentence 5. All the meetings are at I.H.O.P. and begin by praying to the great god of pancakes 4. They think an alien spaceship is hiding behind Chris Farley 3. Instead of guns, your cult is stockpiling bacon 2. On death shroud, you can clearly read words "Holiday Inn" 1. Your cult leader: Captain Stubing

Top Ten Revelations in the Heaven's Gate Diaries - April 07, 1997

10. Before "Do and Ti," cult leaders briefly known as "George and Weezy" 9. One guy was kicked out of group for having "bad attitude about castration" 8. Purple death shrouds provided by Botany 500 7. Decision to leave earth made right after group watched the movie "Booty Call" 6. They knew for sure that the world was ending when Michael Jackson became a father 5. They killed themselves after losing tenth straight game to the Krishnas 4. In TV movie, Marshall Applewhite wanted to be played by the hilarious Jerry Van Dyke 3. Group felt life not worth living now that Jenny McCarthy has left "Singled Out" 2. The castrations were performed by Bob Barker 1. Them dudes was wacky!

Top Ten Signs Your Home Needs a Spring Cleaning - April 08, 1997

10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" and you show them 9. Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows 8. When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon refuses to get out of the van 7. The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth 6. Your house gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better 5. Guests take one look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard 4. When someone from the health department rings your doorbell, you say, "Not again!" 3. Every time you turn on a faucet, you hear a muffled barking sound 2. Even Robert Downey, Jr. refuses to sleep on your floor 1. You've been receiving death threats from Mr. Clean

Top Ten Canadian Complaints About Americans - April 09, 1997

10. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel 9. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will 8. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling 7. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow" 6. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay neighbor" 5. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot 4. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan 3. Two words: "Weird Al" 2. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer" 1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

Top Ten Ways to Make Golf More Exciting - April 10, 1997

10. Replace sand traps with bear traps 9. When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get ready to rumble!" 8. Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical "Dorf" character 7. Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let `em do their stuff 6. Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always turns out hilarious 5. Every foursome must contain at least one member of "Earth Wind and Fire" 4. Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates 3. Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named "Fuzzy Tiger" 2. Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier 1. New rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee

Top Ten Ways, I, David Letterman, Will Be Celebrating My 50th Birthday - April 11, 1997

10. Start wearing my hilarious new "49 and holding..." t-shirt 9. Add some distinguished-looking gray highlights to my hairpiece 8. Finally fill out my 1987 tax returns 7. Tearful reunion with my college roommate, Strom Thurmond 6. Blow out the candles, then notice that one of my lungs is sitting on the cake 5. Go to Gap, use $50 gift certificate from CBS President Les Moonves 4. Enjoy topless dance on my desk from Drew Carey 3. Go to the dry cleaner's and use the pants press on my face 2. See "Booty Call" for the 12th time 1. Cruise for chicks with Regis

Top Ten Signs the Nanny You've Hired Is Really a Man - April 14, 1997

10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble 9. Name on driver's license reads: "Walter Payton" 8. Can bench press 450 7. After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep 6. Constantly adjusting herself 5. Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball 4. On day off, appears on "Geraldo" 3. Knows a little too much about "Mork" 2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt 1. The Bea Arthur factor

Top Ten Signs Al Gore is Loosening Up - April 15, 1997

10. Blinks like it's going out of style 9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants 8. During NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude" 7. Shaved head to be back-up dancer in Madonna's "Girlie Show" 6. Tipper's exhausted (if you know what I mean) 5. He's been hangin' with Meatloaf 4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and grabs onto buses 3. Goes on talk shows and says this: (clip of Gore saying "Buttafuoco") 2. No longer personally offended by Packwood's passes 1. Loosens tie during sex

Top Ten Dolly Parton Pet Peeves - April 17, 1997

10. Accountants who don't understand how much it costs to make me look this cheap 9. Trying to play guitar with three-inch fingernails 8. When the country declares my hair a fire hazard 7. Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties 6. You can't get a wig repaired because Letterman's got some kind of hairpiece crisis 5. Rhinestone rash 4. Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks tries to shoplift stuff under that big hat 3. Smartass emcees who introduce you by saying, "and now here they are -- Dolly Parton!" 2. When the Super Bowl is over, winner never says, "I'm goin' to Dollywood" 1. Nobody notices I've got a great ass, too

Top Ten Ways to Get Dumb Guys to Vote for You - April 18, 1997

10. Spread rumor that your opponent wants to outlaw aerosol cheese 9. Your debate strategy: just keep saying, "Whoa, dude!" 8. Build your campaign around promise to apprehend Lex Luthor 7. Vow to change National Anthem to "Dueling Banjos" 6. When asked why you're qualified to hold office, shotgun a six-pack of Meister Brau 5. Promise to create new cabinet-level position: "Official Bikini Inspector" 4. Without actually coming out and saying it, strongly imply that everyone who votes for you gets a handful of cashews 3. Claim that you and your wife Hillary had nothing to do with Whitewater 2. Your choice for the Joint Chiefs of Staff: the dudes from KISS 1. Promise a 15-percent tax cut

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Brooke Shields/Andre Agassi Wedding - April 21, 1997

10. He must really love her -- he's actually seen all of her movies 9. Please, Ms. Seles, no grunting during the ceremony 8. Brooke has more hair in her eyebrows than Andre has on his whole head 7. Somebody call the cops, John McEnroe just punched out an usher 6. They never have sex without a line judge and a ball boy 5. Could someone give Andre a boost so he can kiss the bride? 4. Hey look! Instead of spraying champagne on the groom, they're dousing him with Rogaine 3. The only reason anyone cares about this wedding is it comes between 'Seinfeld' and 'E.R.' 2. How sweet -- his best man is Martina Navratilova 1. Just do it

Top Ten Other Ways Bob Dole Can Help Newt Gingrich - April 22, 1997

10. Lend him another $7.50 to get a decent haircut 9. Get him a job at the McDonald's where Jack Kemp works 8. Write foreword to his new book, Newtaerobics! 7. Teach him the old "get sympathy by falling off a stage" trick 6. Advise him to avoid giant snakes 5. Sponsor his membership in the Has-Been Republicans Club 4. Help him choose a new, less goofy first name 3. Help him choose a new, less goofy last name 2. Five precious words of advice: "Lay off the snack-cakes tubby" 1. Once and for all, teach the clumsy bastard how to mambo

Top Ten Signs Your Kid is Spending Way Too Much Time On His Computer - April 23, 1997

10. Named his hamsters "I," "B," "M" 9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa 8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny 7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus 6. Refers to having sex as "logging on" 5. His name: Carl. His nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl" 4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel 3. He calls you "www dot daddy dot com" 2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates 1. Two words: "cyber acne"

Top Ten Good Things About Being a 63-Year-Old Mother - April 24, 1997

10. Baby crying? Turn down your hearing aid 9. At movies, you get both "child" and "senior citizen" discounts 8. You'll spare child "When I was your age..." speech, since you don't remember when you were her age 7. Baby + your dentures = hilarious "giant-toothed monster baby" 6. Get to replace Michael Jackson in Guinness "Weirdest Pregnancy in History" category 5. By the time your daughter's old enough to start dating really creepy guys, you'll be dead 4. Three words: shared nap time 3. Great chance to start "Bring Your Daughters to the Rest Home" day 2. Save money: buy diapers in bulk for your kid and you 1. There's always a place for you on Oprah

Top Ten Good Things About Not Making the NBA Playoffs - April 25, 1997

10. Can now devote myself to heckling Spike Lee 9. Can finally watch all my taped episodes of "Touched By An Angel" 8. Get to spend every evening "slam dunking" a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon 7. I was starting to get sick of taking showers with a bunch of naked sweaty guys 6. Get to be here for Dave's "Indianapolis Lovefest `97!" 5. No more deadbeat relatives hitting me up for playoff tickets 4. Don't have to worry about cutting myself on Dennis Rodman's nose-ring 3. More time to eat fried chicken with Fuzzy Zoeller 2. If you win, you go to the White House. If you go to the White House, Bubba grabs your wife's ass 1. Too impolite to sweep the Knicks in the first round

Top Ten Things Overheard During `Celebrity Jeopardy' - April 28, 1997

10. I'll take `Questions So Easy Even a Celebrity Has a Chance' for $1,000, Alex 9. Nobody's buzzing in -- Robert Downey Jr. just fell asleep on the button 8. Pamela Anderson sure knows her 18th century European statesmen 7. I'm sorry, Mr. Brando, but your answer must be in the form of the English language 6. That's incorrect -- but we'll give you the points anyway, O.J. 5. For the last time, Mr. Sajak, you cannot buy a vowel 4. It doesn't seem fair to have an `Overweight Drunks' category the same night Ted Kennedy is on 3. Ms. Parton, you give new meaning to the phrase `Daily Double' 2. Somebody ought to tell Charlie Sheen to stop hitting on Ellen DeGeneres 1. Oh my God -- it's the ghost of Paul Lynde, and he's demanding to be center square!

Top Ten Least Popular Volunteer Jobs As recorded for broadcast on CBS Radio - April 29, 1997

10. Character witness for the Kennedy family 9. Operator of visitor's scoreboard at Shea stadium 8. Larry King suspender wrangler 7. Hell volunteer fire department 6. Gag writer for Fuzzy Zoeller 5. Gallagher's vice president in charge of watermelons 4. Designated car starter for Sammy "the Bull" Gravano 3. Member of "Bring in `Da Noise, Bring in `Da Funk" burdened with responsibility of bringing in noise, funk 2. LATE SHOW audience member 1. Richard Simmons' body oil applicator

Top Ten Other Celebrity Revelations - April 30, 1997

10. Dean Cain: According to girlfriend, not exactly "a man of steel" 9. Janet Reno: In the late 80's appeared on "American Gladiators" as "Ice" 8. Wendy's founder, Dave Thomas: Wendy's real father: Mayor McCheese 7. Ralph Fiennes: Does not know how to pronounce own name 6. Fuzzy Zoeller: Just signed $50 million endorsement deal with KFC 5. Alex Trebek: Once turned down sex because it wasn't in the form of a question 4. Hugh Downs: Life story inspired the movie "Booty Call" 3. Dan Rather: Only recently learned that Austria and Australia are two different countries 2. Bill Gates: He's a www dot virgin dot com 1. David Letterman: Was Ellen DeGeneres' last boyfriend

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College - May 01, 1997

10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot 9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's uniform 8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell 7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers 6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "castration" 5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good, honest book-larnin'" 4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled 3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie" 2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black 1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"

Top Ten Goofiest Driver's License Photos From Our St. Louis Audience - May 02, 1997

10. Fourth Budweiser frog 9. Hairline was inspiration for St. Louis Arch 8. Just spilled a Ted Drewes frozen custard in his lap 7. Just saw Dan Dierdorf naked 6. Stop making fun of my husband, Dan Dierdorf 5. Bob Costas without his makeup 4. Smallest head in Missouri 3. Biggest head in Missouri 2. Took Anheuser-Busch tour 15 times in one day 1. Thinks he can switch Ellen back

Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump and Marla Maples Are Breaking Up - May 05, 1997

10. Thought she was married to the world's creepiest billionaire, and then she met Bill Gates 9. He kept sweating all over the Persian rugs 8. Every year, she got the same anniversary gift -- a "Trump Hotel" bath towel 7. Somehow, his servants and her servants just drifted apart 6. Turned out that bulge in his pocket was just money 5. She wanted a debt-ridden egomaniac closer to her own age 4. Her favorite hobby: tennis. His favorite hobby: evicting the elderly from their homes 3. She finally decided even a billionaire couldn't get away with that haircut 2. She finally caught him double-dating with Eddie Murphy 1. Face it -- he's creepy

Top Ten Things Overheard During President Clinton's Trip to Mexico - May 06, 1997

10. Hello, room service? Fry me up a couple burros! 9. Look at what I found in the piņata -- shredded Whitewater documents 8. Wow -- the president just caught and ate a live iguana 7. Hey Gore, more salsa! 6. Janet Reno is muy, muy grande 5. What's the Spanish word for 'supersize?' 4. Sorry, there's no presidential discount here at the Mexico City Hooters 3. These Mexicans sure know how to run a Taco Bell 2. That's not a piņata -- but don't stop whacking it! 1. Hola, Tubby

Top Ten Ways the Tobacco Companies Can Improve Their Image - May 07, 1997

10. Sponsor inspirational youth singing group: The Nic-O-Teens 9. On all tobacco warning labels, randomly insert the word "wacky" 8. Start selling something a little less dangerous -- like crack 7. Distribute bumper-stickers that read "I'd rather be coughing" 6. Have Marlboro Man come out of the closet 5. In all public statements, replace the word "tobacco" with the much funnier sounding "tobacky" 4. Offer troubled teens "guns for smokes" trade-in 3. New series of ads in which Joe Camel wears "the patch" 2. Replace surgeon general's warning with, "smoke up, you crazy bastards!" 1. Re-name nicotine "Vitamin N"

Top Ten Signs Your Mother is Nuts - May 08, 1997

10. What she calls a "Tupperware Party," the FBI calls a "Three-Week Standoff" 9. She tried to rob a convenience store with her Martha Stewart glue gun 8. Instead of "Mom," she makes you call her "Xena, Warrior Princess" 7. You and your eight siblings are all named Carl 6. It took her four years before she divorced Donald Trump 5. She insists on eating Mother's Day dinner under the porch 4. Every morning, says, "Wake up, or you'll be late for Comet Hale-Bopp!" 3. Whenever you lose a sock, it turns up in that night's meat loaf 2. Believes Eddie Murphy really was just giving that hooker a ride 1. Your name is Michael Jackson, Jr.

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Kirby Puckett - May 09, 1997

10. Kooby Pickett 9. Creepy Pockets 8. Bernie Crumpet 7. Turkey Bucket 6. Buddy Hackett 5. The Puckett Formerly Known as Kirby 4. Punky Brewster 3. Kent Hrbek 2. There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett 1. Englepuck Kirbydink

Top Ten Ways Deep Blue is Celebrating Its Victory - May 12, 1997

10. Nailed R2D2 9. Just for the hell of it, told the I.R.S. computer to audit Bill Gates 8. Went online pretending to be a transvestite: had cybersex with Eddie Murphy 7. Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy 6. Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo 5. Called up Moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty tickets for everything 4. Doing a guest spot on "Friends" as Monica's "brainy" new boyfriend 3. Enjoyed a refreshing game of ping-pong 2. Downloaded some pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the ol' mouse a workout 1. He's going to www.Disneyworld.com!

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Mini-Series - May 13, 1997

10. The last don is played by Don Knotts 9. The plot revolves around whether a fat guy will get up from a couch or not 8. The big cliffhanger: "who fed clam dip to the dog?" 7. It stars Siskel as Ebert 6. It's called, "Booty Call: The Mini-Series" 5. All 38 characters are portrayed by Tori Spelling 4. It's an all-monkey production of "Gone With The Wind" 3. Includes scene in which Mary Todd Lincoln works out with a "Buttmaster" 2. Five words: Richard Simmons is Harry Truman 1. Takes place only 12 leagues under the sea

Top Ten Ways to Get Kicked Out of Your Prom - May 14, 1997

10. Offer the chaperones a 10% discount on all crack purchases 9. Your so-called boutonniere is really just intricately folded bologna 8. Invitation reads, "no red-haired freaks," but you bring Danny Bonaduce 7. Refuse to remove your cardboard Burger King crown 6. As they list each nominee for Prom King, you shout, "gay!" 5. The theme is "under the sea," but you brazenly insist on acting as though you're above sea level 4. You're a Woonsocket man and you're not in Woonsocket 3. Start "dirty dancing" with the lesbian gym teacher 2. Show up wearing nothing but a cummerbund 1. You're celebrating your 43rd birthday

Top Ten Signs The New York Knicks Have Gone Nuts - May 15, 1997

10. Whole team now shares a single pair of shorts 9. After shooting baskets, they keep trying to kick extra points 8. Team does pre-game gargle with Michael Jordan's cologne 7. They claim that "Knick" is short for "Knicolas Cage" 6. According to their wives, lately they've all been beating the 24 second clock 5. They're now trash-talking in Swedish 4. They keep puncturing the ball with their Lee Press-On Nails 3. Every morning they spend two hours practicing getting groin pulls 2. Patrick Ewing found in locker room, Knickerbockering himself 1. New defense: full-court press, with pepper spray

Top Ten Our Favorite Colorado Names - May 16, 1997

10. Mary Christmas 9. Ronald McDonald 8. Joe Colorado 7. Gay Power 6. Sky High 5. Rikki Boner 4. Brad Boink 3. Harry Dix 2. Dick Dix 1. Dick Smoker

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival - May 19, 1997

10. Oh no, Marlon Brando is headed to the nude beach! 9. Actually, we Americans don't know what Mr. Stallone is saying either 8. And now, a brand new category: lamest volcano movie 7. Je m'appelle Butthead 6. I'm sorry, Mr. Stern, but room service does not deliver lesbians 5. Uh-oh -- Jean Claude Van Damme got drunk and kicked himself in the head 4. I can't believe they gave a special jury award to that 'Juice Tiger' infomercial 3. The prize for special achievement in gay cinema goes to 'Batman and Robin'! 2. Look, it's Jabba The Hutt!... No, it's just Roger Ebert" 1. Le 'Booty Call' -- c'est magnifique!

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Apartment - May 20, 1997

10. Every time you pass the doorman, he's wearing another article of your clothing 9. You notice a cockroach playfully carrying your cat in its mouth 8. You can't get through your bedroom door for all the yellow police tape 7. You have what appears to be hot and cold running chowder 6. Your building's security system is just a cardboard cut-out of Clint Eastwood 5. When you ask the super to fix your leaky faucet, he says, "Whoa, I'm not exactly Norm Abrams" 4. Rent must be paid in small, non-sequential bills 3. It's the same bedroom you had as a kid, but now your parents are charging you two grand a month 2. Instead of painting your apartment, Super just coats the walls with mayonnaise 1. Three words: that ain't carpet

Top Ten Surprises in the `Jurassic Park' Sequel - May 21, 1997

10. Special appearance by Wilford Brimley as "Brimleysaurus Rex" 9. Instead of deadly venom, Velociraptor now spits delicious iced tea 8. Dinosaurs and humans settle their differences with a spirited game of Yahtzee 7. Steven Spielberg can often be seen in the background, counting huge stacks of money 6. Movie's big catch phrase: "Them dinosaurs is tasty!" 5. All the action takes place at a Dunkin' Donuts in Scranton 4. Scientists kill the dinosaurs simply by hiding all the "Dinosaur Chow" 3. Hilarious scene where Fred Flintstone uses one of the dinosaurs as a lawnmower 2. Lead Brontosaurus played by Janet Reno 1. All the dinosaurs speak perfect French

Top Ten Reasons Tom Brokaw May Be Leaving NBC - May 22, 1997

10. Those drunken, late night phone calls from Katie Couric 9. Can't handle grueling 30-minute-a-day schedule 8. NBC rejected his new situation comedy, "Seinkaw" 7. Network had petty objection to his making up the news as he went along 6. Ratings war causing friction with his live-in companion, Dan Rather 5. Network won't let him wear his lucky sombrero on air 4. Whenever he eats lunch at the NBC Commissary, Willard's toupee rubs against his leg and begs for table scraps 3. Heard that if you move from NBC to CBS, you get a boatload of cash 2. Ted Turner's offering $7 million a year and a night with Jane 1. Decided that the NBC Peacock is just "too creepy"

Top Ten Sailor Complaints About New York City - May 23, 1997

10. When you enter the city, your dress whites instantly turn jet black 9. Ever since Disney took over Times Square, all the hookers are dressed like "Goofy" 8. Ship's propellers always getting jammed with floating mob corpses 7. When you hear "Hello sailor!" it's almost always in a baritone voice 6. Guys in street shouting "Yo-ho-ho and a vial of crack" 5. Everyone just assumes you bought your uniform at a costume shop in the Village 4. Smart-aleck kids keep calling you Popeye 3. Have to drink lots of overpriced alcohol to get that great seasick feeling 2. When a cabbie returns your salute he only uses one finger 1. You spend a week's pay on one lapdance

Top Ten Things L.A. Dumb Guys Say - May 26, 1997

10. This sunblock tastes funny 9. If Disneyland works here, it'll work in France 8. Let's have James Caan on the show - he'll be great 7. If you give me a canned ham, I'll take off my pants 6. Welcome to the program, my name is Dave Letterman 5. It's the big one! It's the big one! Oh, wait a second - I'm sitting on the washing machine 4. I sure did like seein' Dave arm wrestle that giant squirrel 3. How the hell am I supposed to solve the puzzle with all them letters missin'? 2. Don't worry, Lyle -- they'll never suspect us 1. How do you spell L.A.?

Top Ten Signs You Eat Too Much Rice-A-Roni - May 27, 1997

10. You can't cross the Golden Gate Bridge without consulting a team of architects 9. You drink a cup of boiling water and expand to three times your normal size 8. You show up at work naked, except for a strategically placed seasoning pack 7. You get a little visit from a couple of Uncle Ben's goons 6. You just spent $1.7 million for a box of rice-a-roni that belonged to Jackie Onassis 5. Every Wednesday night you have a small group meeting that begins with someone saying "My name is Bob and I eat too much Rice-A-Roni" 4. When you go swimming in the bay, tourists mistake you for Alcatraz" 3. You actually pass up a delicious head of lettuce 2. When you ask hookers for a "San Francisco Treat," you really do mean dinner 1. Two words: giant ass-a-roni

Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names - May 28, 1997

10. Ginger Vitis 9. Stripper Gore 8. Mrs. Charlie Sheen 7. Stanley Cups 6. Lois the Letterman Look-a-like 5. H. Rose Perot 4. Sue Dafed 3. Yogi Bare-Ass 2. Nude Gingrich 1. Tammy Lasorda

Top Ten Chapter Titles in Marcia Clark's Book - May 29, 1997

10. My Five Most Romantic Sidebars 9. L.A.P.D. Crime lab Bloopers and Practical Jokes 8. Working with Chris Darling -- Uh, I Mean Darden 7. Every Hour is Happy Hour with F. Lee Bailey 6. Oh Shut Up, Cochran! 5. A $4.2 Million Book Deal? Thanks, O.J.! 4. Keeping in Touch with My Kids, Billy and Um, That Other One 3. Why I Chose Not to Use that Videotape of O.J. Committing the Murders 2. Planting "Evidence" in Chris Darden's Pants 1. Okay, Okay, I'm the Real Killer

Top Ten Ways O.J. is Searching for the Real Killers - May 30, 1997

10. Gets on white courtesy phones at airports, has them page the real killers 9. Elaborate ongoing "sting" operation at Pebble Beach 8. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to help out their old buddy O.J. 7. Signing autographs for money -- no killer can resist a good autograph signing 6. Dating lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives 5. Offering free upgrade on next Hertz rental 4. Trying to lure them out of hiding with a carload of tacos 3. Asked the Menendez brothers to get in touch if they hear anything 2. Before sinking putt, takes a good look in the cup to make sure they ain't hiding in there 1. Watching "Real Killer Night" on Jeopardy

Top Ten Cool Things About Being the World's Fastest Man - June 02, 1997

10. Allowed to race wearing nothing but a "World's Fastest Man" sash 9. You're set for life as the new spokesman for Speedy Muffler King 8. You can get a bitchin' new vanity plate like "FastDude" 7. By sprinting from one side of the board to the other, you can play checkers against yourself 6. Have easy excuse when girlfriend complains after sex 5. You're rarely, if ever, referred to as "lard ass" 4. You actually have time to use a separate shampoo and conditioner 3. Nobody bothered by the cardboard lightning bolts you pasted to your head 2. Get to meet the world's fattest man and ask, "So what's it like to be president?" 1. When visiting New York, you can actually outrun the gunfire

Top Ten Other Things President Clinton Won't Apologize For - June 03, 1997

10. That clumsy pass he made at Mrs. Yeltsin 9. Spray-painting "Casa de Tubby" on the side of the White House 8. Trying to impress his dates by wearing underpants that read, "The buck stops here" 7. Spreading rumor that Bob Dole is old when, in fact, he's only 36 6. Playing the "Bubbasaurus" in "Ghost Dinosaur `97" 5. His short-lived sitcom, "Everybody Loves Fatboy" 4. Requiring all female White House staffers to wear Hooters uniforms 3. Being such a handsome son-of-a-bitch 2. His five-year affair with Frank Gifford 1. Roger

Top Ten Other Failed McDonald's Promotions - June 04, 1997

10. One millionth customer gets to sit naked in fryolator 9. Big Macs with patties the size of flyin' saucers! 8. For every order over $25, Mayor McCheese will whack a guy for you 7. Happy Meals include small containers of nitrous oxide 6. Please make up your own joke about "McHookers" and "Special Sauce" 5. Get 500 Quarter Pounders for the price of 499 4. Buy any sandwich and have clown make-up permanently tattooed on your face 3. Some McNuggets contain shards of glass; some contain valuable diamonds! 2. Free videos of Ronald McDonald in a hotel room with Frank Gifford 1. The 55 McCoronary

Top Ten Signs You've Chosen a Bad College - June 05, 1997

10. They boast that 90% of their graduates eventually make parole 9. The campus is roamed by packs of starving coyotes 8. So-called "sports complex" consists of a kickball and a swing set 7. Your letter of admission was signed by Sally Struthers 6. The dean is being followed by a crew from "Hard Copy" 5. History professor + fake mustache = English professor 4. Graduation ceremonies are held in a local 7-eleven 3. Final project in Biology: dissecting a Snickers bar 2. Orientation video features Frank Gifford and a flight attendant 1. Average S.A.T. score: 2

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Suspended by Major League Baseball - June 06, 1997

10. Secretly switching the Gatorade with the urine samples 9. Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team 8. Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger 7. Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level 6. You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat 5. For the last several innings you've played shortstop in a delightful cocktail dress 4. During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease 3. Wearing your cup outside your pants 2. Hitting for the cycle with the umpire's wife 1. Corking yourself

Top Ten Air Force General Pick-Up Lines - June 09, 1997

10. When I look at you, my pants fly in formation 9. If you sleep with me, I'll let you bomb New Jersey back to the Stone Age 8. I've heard great things about you from President Clinton 7. How would you like to serve under me? 6. You've just been targeted by a heat-seeking missile of love 5. See this medal? It's for pleasing the ladies beyond the call of duty 4. I can still fly four missions a night, if you know what I mean 3. I'm looking for a place to land my stealth bomber 2. Want to learn what the `F' stands for in F-16? 1. My sights are locked on you!

Top Ten Ways to Beat the Heat in New York City - June 10, 1997

10. Instead of boring old crack, try a refreshing ice-cold crackuccino 9. Go East River rafting on mob corpses 8. Ask cabbie to take you to LaGuardia and enjoy the side trip through Maine 7. Change to your lighter summer comb-over (Mayor Giuliani only) 6. Go to Central Park Zoo and get a lap dance from a penguin 5. Enjoy refreshing breeze of the bullets whizzing by your head 4. Duck into one of the city's 83,000 air-conditioned Starbucks outlets 3. Relax in the shade beside Al Roker 2. Insert your own hilarious "Ed Sullivan Theater is cold" joke here 1. Stand in the chill between Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Barbecue - June 11, 1997

10. Everything on the grill has a long, thin tail 9. To avoid burning, chicken breasts are covered in Coppertone 8. The "cole slaw" is just mayonnaise and lawn trimmings 7. The three-legged race is won by a three-legged guy 6. Every couple minutes, the cook drops his pants and flips himself with the spatula 5. Host tells you the burgers are 20% beef and 80% critter 4. The steaks have been sitting in marinade sauce all night, and so has your Uncle Earl 3. You have to sign a legal waiver before you eat the potato salad 2. Things seem tense between your hosts, Frank and Kathie Lee 1. The guests all have grill marks on their foreheads

Top Ten President Clinton Summer Fun Tips - June 12, 1997

10. If you use Crisco instead of suntan lotion, you can fry burgers on your chest 9. Accidentally lose trunks in White House pool 8. Show slides of your camping trip on your pasty white thighs 7. Try using a cooling electric fan to shred Whitewater documents 6. Enjoy the refreshing chill when you get in bed with Hillary 5. After a day in the woods, hire a 15-man search party to check your entire body for ticks 4. Get some exercise dodging subpoenas from Paula Jones 3. Don't go swimming until half an hour after receiving illegal campaign contributions 2. Make friends at the beach by providing shade with your enormous ass 1. Leftover gravy + freezer = gravy-sicle!

Top Ten Ways to Create More Interest in Baseball - June 13, 1997

10. Instead of grabbing themselves, switch-hitters must grab each other 9. New tradition: pantsless 7th-inning stretch 8. Outlaw cups, and award one run for each direct hit 7. Every game, one lucky fan gets to marry and divorce Larry King 6. Between innings, Diamondvision shows the Frank Gifford video 5. When a batter strikes out, he has to swallow his chewing tobacco 4. Instead of designated hitters, designated lesbians 3. Four words: anatomically correct "Philly Phanatic" 2. Box score includes number of times player has nailed Madonna 1. Replace ballboy with an overcaffeinated monkey

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Action Movie - June 16, 1997

10. Hero keeps stopping at fountains to refill his squirt gun 9. Supervillain played by veteran newsman Hugh Downs 8. Ads describe it as "Die Hard on a sofa" 7. Movie's big catch phrase: "Ouch! Arrows is pointy!" 6. Official movie web site is www.don't-waste-your-money.com 5. Terrorists' only demand is a $50 gift certificate to IKEA 4. Entire 20-minute chase scene takes place in a revolving door 3. Villain threatens hero with a cup of scalding hot McDonald's coffee 2. Movie's only "action" involves Frank Gifford and a flight attendant 1. The new Batman: Danny Bonaduce

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning a Genius Grant - June 17, 1997

10. The diploma on your wall was signed by Sally Struthers 9. When asked how you'll spend the grant, you say, "Kegger, dude!" 8. The committee just isn't impressed by your wacky Einstein wig 7. Three times a week, you get your head stuck in a banister 6. You thought Kathie Lee wouldn't mind if you spent an afternoon with a flight attendant 5. In a crisis, you always ask yourself, "What would Keanu do?" 4. You've discovered a way to turn water into ice, using nothing but an ordinary household freezer 3. You're hailing a cab on Broadway without pants 2. You agreed to bring your talk show to CBS 1. On application, you spell "genius" with a "j"

Top Ten Surprises In The New Batman Movie - June 18, 1997

10. Batman keeps calling Robin "One fruity lookin' bastard" 9. Terrifying new villain: Rodman 8. The Batcave is closed due to worries about Radon 7. Film contains a surprising amount of Irish step dancing 6. Halfway through the movie, Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer show up and beat the crap out of George Clooney 5. Batman almost dies after flying into a bug-zapper 4. Three words: anatomically correct batsuit 3. Batmobile clearly a Geo Metro with cardboard fins 2. Batgirl's torrid love scene with Ellen Degeneres 1. Bat signal replaced by "Hooters" logo

Top Ten Dave Letterman's Summer Plans - June 19, 1997

10. Stop drinking in the den, start drinking on the porch 9. Catch every Lollapalooza show on the Eastern seaboard 8. Climb the treacherous north face of Al Roker 7. Buy a summertime straw hat for my pet goat, Lorraine 6. Start my own website: www.Oprah-forever.com 5. Eat some bad shrimp and spend July face-down in the driveway 4. Make my annual pilgrimage to Dollywood 3. Realize dream of becoming first man to drive cross-country on a riding mower 2. A can of paint, a six-pack of Miller, and Farrah 1. Take down the Christmas lights

Top Ten Signs Disney is Taking Over New York City - June 20, 1997

10. $20 will buy you a lap dance from Goofy 9. The Statue of Liberty now has a rodent-like tail 8. Guys handing out flyers for "The Country Bears' Pantsless Jamboree" 7. Mayor Giuliani's new audioanimatronic combover 6. 50% increase in number of drag queens going by name "Tinkerbell" 5. Cab drivers now have mouse ears glued to their turbans 4. Mafia figures adopting nicknames like "Bashful" and "Sleepy" 3. Hookers now whistling while they work 2. Frank Gifford recently caught nailing the Little Mermaid 1. Midtown crack house now called "Space-Out Mountain"

Top Ten Signs a Mafia Boss is Nuts - June 23, 1997

10. Keeps ordering hits on "that bastard Al Capone" 9. Had a guy whacked because he thought he was working for Batman 8. To look more like Brando, loads his cheeks full of styrofoam peanuts 7. He's the reputed head of the "Gabor Crime Family" 6. Instead of "The Godfather," he prefers to be called "The Fairy Godmother" 5. At McDonald's, order Big Mac, fries and drink separately instead of taking advantage of extra value meal 4. Three words: edible pinky ring 3. After you cross him, you wake up the next morning with his head in your bed 2. He's constantly whacking himself, if you know what I mean 1. His business card reads "mafia boss"

Top Ten New Slogans for the Tobacco Industry - June 24, 1997

10. Cigarettes: They're like Big Macs for your lungs! 9. If you stop smoking, Joe Camel will come to your house and put the hurt on you 8. Recommended by four out of five doctors named Kevorkian 7. Tobacco: Still safer than crack 6. You'd better keep smoking, because Nicorette gum tastes like crap 5. We'll blacken any lungs for $99.95! 4. You'll come for the nicotine, you'll stay for the wet hacking cough 3. Smoke your fat ass good-bye! 2. Warning: The surgeon general is one lyin' son of a bitch 1. Smoke this!

Top Ten Space Alien Pick-Up Lines - June 25, 1997

10. How about a close encounter of the pantsless kind? 9. Set phasers on love 8. Are you a carbon-based model? 7. I'd like to wrap my 36 arms around you 6. Are you up for some experimental probing? 5. Want me to introduce you to E.T.? 4. Care to join the Million-Mile High Club? 3. Mind if I burst out of your stomach? 2. Nice asteroid 1. Hi, I'm Michael Jackson

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Summer Job - June 26, 1997

10. Your boss keeps asking you to call him "Mommy." 9. At day's end, you always seem to be coughing up asbestos. 8. You're a lifeguard, and Janet Reno needs CPR. 7. Miss a deadline -- lose a finger. 6. You're a waiter at new theme restaurant called, "Kick the Living Crap Out of Your Waiter." 5. You're the only employee not wearing a flame-retardant suit. 4. There is a sign on office door that reads, "As seen on '60 minutes'." 3. Your boss insists on keeping his theater unbearably cold. 2. You didn't realize that interning for Richard SImmons would involve so much slow-dancing. 1. You're paid in thumb tacks and Junior Mints.

Top Ten Revelations About President Clinton's Sexual History - June 27, 1997

10. Lost his virginity in a McDonald's drive-thru. 9. As a patriotic young man, owned an inflatable Betsy Ross. 8. He's President and founder of the Air Force one mile high club. 7. Owns pair of boxers that reads, "Home of the Washington Monument." 6. After his historic meeting with JFK, they went out and picked up a couple hookers. 5. Personally responsible for the entire teenage population of Arkansas. 4. Actually coined the term "Booty Call." 3. Just as in politics, he's never really satisfied anybody. 2. One time, back in the mid-eighties, he actually slept with Hillary. 1. For a change of pace, likes to sexually harass himself.

Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses - June 30, 1997

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off" 9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos" 8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters 7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious! 6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith 5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy" 4. Ears is tasty 3. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me 2. Disqualified sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring" 1. He ran out of gum

Top Ten Reasons Bill Gates is Thinking of Buying CBS - July 01, 1997

10. Wants to star in "Family Matters" spinoff called "The WhiteUrkel" 9. Found out that his cybersex partner for last three years has beenEd Bradley 8. Wants to use CBS show "Ink" as a screen saver 7. Was turned down by NBC, ABC, FOX, UP, WB and Telemundo 6. Loves hit CBS shows like "Seinfeld" and "E.R." 5. It's his only hope of meeting "Cheech" 4. Instead of sending a note to his grandma, will create two CBSsituation comedies, "Hi Grandma" and "Love Bill" 3. Wants to digitally remaster Andy Rooney's eyebrows 2. His computer career is over after biting off the President ofIBM's ear 1. He's www.nuts.com

Top Ten Firecrackers or Richard Simmons' Nicknames - July 02, 1997

10. Screaming Mimi 9. Flaming Bozo 8. Sweatin' Sissy 7. Puffy Lady 6. Star Spangled Smoker 5. Sky Prancer 4. Hyperactive Granny 3. Trouser Blaster 2. Yankee Doodle Nancy 1. The Fruitron Bomb

Top Ten Revelations in the New Book About Martha Stewart - July 03, 1997

10. Made her first husband entirely out of twigs and tree bark 9. Has a "Property of Hell's Angels" tattoo on her thigh 8. Once spent afternoon in hotel room with Frank Gifford,rearranging furniture 7. Can bench press 350 6. Before the fight, she told Mike Tyson that Holyfield's ear wouldmake a "lovely centerpiece" 5. You know all that stuff she makes out of Kleenex boxes and pinecones? It looks like crap! 4. An oven mitt is an effective means of birth control 3. Spent three months in Betty Ford center battling her addiction toglitter 2. In same weekend, nailed Bob Vila and Norm Abram 1. Favorite recipe: anatomically correct gingerbread men

Top Ten Fourth of July Movies Playing in Times Square - July 04, 1997

10. One if By Land, Two if Bisexual 9. Skindependence Day 8. The Boston Tea Orgy 7. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming! 6. Martha Visits the Washington Monument 5. Don't Shoot Until You See the Whites of Their Thighs 4. Stripes and Stars and a Swede Names Lars 3. Uncle Sam's Giant Musket 2. Betsy Ross Meets Frank Gifford 1. Give Me Lesbians or Give Me Death

Top Ten Summer Fun Tips from the Unabomber - July 07, 1997

10. Light-colored, loose-fitting hooded sweatshirts 9. If you're having trouble lighting the barbecue, try Napalm 8. Many resorts offer fabulous "troubled loner discount packages" 7. Next to your 10 by 12 foot shack, build a 1 by 2 foot guest shack 6. Join your dog for a refreshing flea dip 5. For an extra kick, fill water balloons with nitroglycerine 4. Make your own sunscreen out of swamp water and rabbit entrails 3. Go to beach, make clumsy passes at women, get turned down, plot revenge 2. Properly placed charges can make any rental car a convertible 1. Get wacky new bumper sticker: "Unabombers Do It With a Bang"

Top Ten Things Overheard During Bob Dole's Visit to New York City - July 08, 1997

10. I've loved New York ever since I helped buy it from the Indians 9. Uh, Senator Dole? If you insist on feeding all the pigeons, we'll be here for a month 8. I'm not stealing his watch. I'm taking his pulse" 7. It's a $1,000 a plate dinner and all we get are strained vegetables? 6. I didn't know hookers gave a senior citizen discount 5. In your honor we've hooked up the Statue of Liberty's torch to a Clapper 4. The ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt? I'm sorry -- you must be looking for the Clinton fundraiser across town 3. Wow! Howard Stern just got Bob Dole to kiss another guy! 2. I may no longer be a senator, but rest assured I'm still a cranky old bastard! 1. Forget the chalk body outline...he's just taking a nap

Top Ten Rejected Summer Olympic Events - July 09, 1997

10. The Marge Schott-put 9. Hide the javelin 8. Tackle the French guy 7. Speed blinking 6. Trouser hockey 5. Synchronized shrugging 4. 100-meter dash with a fat guy on your back 3. Female weightlifter mustache tweezing 2. Pantsless pole vault 1. Lookin' terrific

Top Ten Rejected Names for Dennis Rodman's New TV Show - July 10, 1997

10. Dennis Rodman's Def Cross-Dressing Jam 9. Unsolved Wardrobe Mysteries 8. El Programo Del Psycho 7. America's Funniest Head Butts 6. Lois & Clark & Dennis & Madonna 5. Mad About Tattoos 4. Pierce This! 3. Dr. Rodman, Medicine Woman 2. Beavis and Green-Head 1. This Old Hair

Top Ten Manny's Number Ratings - July 11, 1997

10. Dank 9. Dank 8. Dank 7. Diggity Dank 6. Schwag 5. Schwag 4. Dank 3. Diggity 2. Diggity schwag 1. Schwag

Top Ten Handyman Pick-Up Lines - July 12, 1997

10. Come to Home Depot often? 9. Need anything nailed? 8. I once installed a shampoo shelf for Fabio 7. I'm very good at tongue-and-groove work 6. I'm not really a handyman, I'm actually a TV star worth millions of dollars 5. Wanna get lathed? 4. Come over to `this old house' and help me get out of `these old pants' 3. Great spice rack! 2. You turn my two-by-four into a four-by-eight 1. It's tool time!

Top Ten Cool Things About Being the Richest Man in the World - July 15, 1997

10. Making balloon animals at your kid's next birthday party: Al Gore 9. Forget steak -- now you can eat delicious $100 bills! 8. World's richest man looks pretty good on name tag at high school reunion 7. Instead of root beer, you drink root champagne 6. On dating game, can say, "Screw the Bachelor #2 crap, I'm the world's richest man!" 5. Your yearly budget includes $15 million for nougat 4. Could actually utter the phrase: "Keep the vowels coming, Vanna!" 3. When visiting New York City, you can afford a movie ticket and a small popcorn 2. Can use line, "Yes, that is a roll of hundreds in my pocket and I am happy to see you" 1. Don't have to think twice about supersizing

Top Ten Signs You're Going Nuts from the Heat - July 16, 1997

10. You just killed a guy for saying, "Hot enough for ya?" 9. Every time the clock and temperature sign changes, you call CNN 8. You go to dinner with Frank and Kathie Lee just to enjoy the chill 7. You keep introducing everyone to your pet ice cube "Lucy" 6. In the middle of a professional boxing match you bite someone's ear off 5. You just checked into a Mexican hospital to have your blood replaced with Slurpees 4. You find $33,000 in your cab and actually return it 3. You attend lame talk shows just to enjoy the air conditioning 2. You've been putting popsicles someplace other than your mouth 1. You just agreed to become Mrs. Softee

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Camp - July 17, 1997

10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle 9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison uniforms 8. At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human skull 7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits 6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting knife and say, "Bon appetit, you little bastards!" 5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets 4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns out to be a giant mosquito 3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding 2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike Tyson 1. Camp motto: remember Waco

Top Ten Other President Clinton Complaints About the Movies - July 18, 1997

10. The second the lights go down, Gore grabs my ass 9. Eight "Star Trek" movies, not a single naked Klingon 8. In "Independence Day," President should have run away to Oxford 7. Not enough `splosions! 6. You know those really, really huge buckets of popcorn? Well they ain't big enough for President Tubby 5. No matter what he says to the screen, Alicia Silverstone won't give him the time of day 4. Turns out cold-cocking the loudmouth behind you is not presidential 3. Projectionist keeps trying to show movie on his flabby thighs 2. Hard to enjoy "Star Wars" because Chewbacca always reminds him of Janet Reno 1. The dark is scary

Top Ten Ways Disneyland Can Attract More Visitors - July 21, 1997

10. Dads get an hour alone with the Little Mermaid 9. Goodbye costumed animals, hello Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling 8. Paint target on Goofy; give visitors choice between BB gun or slingshot 7. They really should think about doing some advertising 6. For no extra charge, Mike Tyson will bite off one of your mouse ears 5. At "Hall of Presidents," the Woodrow Wilson robot performs a slow, seductive striptease 4. Open up a Disneyland on every corner like Starbucks 3. New attraction: "Mr. Gifford's Wild Ride" 2. One-millionth customer gets to beat the daylights out of Mickey 1. Thaw out Walt and ask him what the hell to do

Top Ten Other Ways to Liven Up the Miss America Pageant - July 22, 1997

10. Each contestant must spend a night baby-sitting at the Kennedys' 9. Miss Louisiana: Richard Simmons! 8. Five finalists wrestle over a single tube of cookie dough 7. Four words: Australian rules swimsuit competition 6. Whoever bites off the most ears wins 5. Tie-breaking question: "If you had to kill one of the other 49, who would it be and why?" 4. Winner chosen by a blindfolded monkey with a slingshot 3. Forget the talent competition -- let's see those babes slice some meat! 2. After Miss Florida's speech on the environment, host says, "What a load of crap!" 1. Disqualify anyone who hasn't posed for Penthouse

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Resort - July 23, 1997

10. Olympic-sized pool filled with olympic-sized leeches 9. Seniors' shuffleboard tournament is clothing optional 8. You order a piņa colada; you get a warm can of Schlitz with a cocktail onion 7. Steel drum band is a guy banging on your car with a hammer 6. That lovely shell on the beach turns out to be piece of Evander Holyfield's ear 5. Happy Hour means half-price shots for malaria 4. There appear to be blood stains on the limbo stick 3. You ask front desk for a wake-up call and the guys says, "You're 20 pounds overweight and your wife is cheating on you" 2. Singles Night is 300 guys and an old issue of Hustler 1. That ain't a mint on your pillow

Top Ten Republican Complaints About Newt Gingrich - July 24, 1997

10. Spends too much time at his side job as the Pillsbury Dough Boy 9. Tired of him dividing Congress into shirts and skins 8. He makes fat jokes about Clinton, while he himself has ballooned to over 600 pounds 7. Your legislation doesn't get anywhere if you don't buy his Mary Kay products 6. Spends a little too much time "pounding the gavel" (if you know what I mean) 5. Creepy when he winks at you and whispers, "Call me Newty" 4. Let him ride in your car, and years later the upholstery still smells like mayonnaise 3. Refuses to stop wearing that ridiculous Donahue wig 2. If you disagree with him, the crazy dude will bite your ear off! 1. Face it -- the guy's a load

Top Ten U.S. Astronaut Complaints About the Russian Space Station - July 25, 1997

10. They get angry when you call them "Astro-Russkies" 9. It's powered by a donkey on a treadmill 8. There ain't nothing messier than zero-gravity borscht 7. The inflight movie always stars Yakov Smirnoff 6. They're constantly bragging that "Chekov could've beaten the crap out of Captain Kirk" 5. Ever since accident, they can't shut off the left turn signal 4. Russian Tang tastes even worse than American Tang 3. When they get mad at you, they kick-dance you right in the head 2. Russian idea of a balanced meal: half a potato and a pint of vodka 1. The damn thing smells like cabbage

Top Ten Surprises in 'Air Force One' - July 28, 1997

10. The President never once drops his pants 9. Head villian killed by an angry, head-butting Janet Reno 8. Ear-biting terrorist played by Mike Tyson 7. At the last second, Harrison Ford is saved by his trusty side-kick, Chewbacca 6. Our nation's first female Vice President is played by Richard Simmons 5. Secret "escape pod" drops President safely at Oxford University 4. Oddly, the President's in-flight movie is "Air Force One" 3. President Clinton has brief cameo as "Warren, the ass-grabbing flight attendant" 2. When held at gunpoint, President blurts out, "Take Hillary instead!" 1. The terrorists' only demand: Get rid of Newt

Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts - July 29, 1997

10. Before administering CPR, always removes his swim trunks 9. His e-mail address: www.floatin'wacko.com 8. After he rescues you, you're gutted, stuffed and mounted in his rec room 7. Insists on being addressed as "Seņor Splashy" 6. Recently ended a three-year relationship with the diving board 5. His motto: "A little drownin' never hurt nobody" 4. Once got kicked out of Sea World for biting off a manatee's ear 3. Tries to save a drowning fat guy by baiting a fishhook with a hot dog 2. His partner: a life-size inflatable Pamela Lee 1. Rescues by appointment only

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Hideki Irabu - July 30, 1997

10. Hidooby Irooby 9. Hiccupping Caribou 8. Pataki, I Love You 7. Snoop Hideki Deck 6. Hideki Irabooted-Down-To-The-Minors 5. Iraboutros-Boutros Hideki 4. You Rub Me, I'll Deck You 3. Mike Tyson Ear Chew 2. You Don't Know Deki 1. 12 Million Dollar Booboo

Top Ten Surprising Details in Tom Brokaw's New Contract - July 31, 1997

10. Every morning, gets a deep-tissue massage from Willard Scott 9. Will now be known as "Tommy B, the news-talkin' dude" 8. Two words: vibrating desk 7. Network agrees to cover cost of painting flames on his van 6. When he's Santa at NBC Christmas party, Katie Couric has to sit on his lap 5. Entire $7 million salary will be paid in lottery tickets 4. Special security detail for his refrigerator whenever Al Roker is in the building 3. Co-anchor job for his new girlfriend Jenny McCarthy 2. Will now end each news story by saying, "What a load of crap" 1. Gets to deliver the news in a halter-top

Top Ten Other Changes President Clinton Has Made at the White House - August 01, 1997

10. Alarm outside bedroom sounds when Hillary is approaching 9. Pillars on front porch replaced by Golden Arches 8. On front lawn, enormous marble statue of Clinton with his pants around his ankles 7. White House tour now clothing optional 6. New state of the art gym in case Tubby ever gets off his fat ass 5. Sound-proofing to block noise of George Washington spinning in his grave 4. New passcode: One knock for hookers, two knocks for pizza 3. All furniture now stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents 2. New sign: "If this Oval Office is rockin', don't come knockin'" 1. Hot and cold running gravy

Top Ten Least Popular Attractions at the Baseball Hall of Fame - August 04, 1997

10. Animatronic Albert Belle that grabs himself 9. The hall of pitchers who threw like girls 8. Diorama of insect parts found in stadium hot dogs 7. Babe Ruth's partially-eaten baseball glove 6. Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu 5. Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples 4. Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder 3. 1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname 2. The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank 1. Tobacco spit flume ride

Top Ten Demands of Striking UPS Workers - August 05, 1997

10. Goodbye boring brown trucks, hello bitchin' red Ferraris 9. Permission to smack anyone who calls it "ups" 8. Forget that "lift with your legs, not with your back" crap -- we're lifting with our backs, damn it! 7. All the styrofoam peanuts we can eat 6. Permission to tell Fed Ex guys they can absolutely positively go screw themselves 5. $10 bonus for every hernia 4. Female drivers can refuse to deliver to White House when Hillary's away 3. One ten-minute break a day for booty calls 2. New shorts that don't make a guy's ass look so huge 1. Put a damn door on the side of the truck

Top Ten Ways to Make Presidential Press Conferences More Interesting - August 06, 1997

10. Lively game of keep-away with Sam Donaldson's toupee 9. Replace Presidential Seal with Hooters logo 8. Reporters must refer to the President as "Puff Daddy" 7. Two words: vibrating podium 6. Clinton looks at Gore and yells, "Would you blink already you spooky bastard!" 5. Every time President dodges a question, he has to do a shot 4. The Washington Press Corps + a swarm of angry wasps = 15 minutes of hilarious political entertainment 3. If the President doesn't like a question, he bites off your ear 2. Get rid of Tubby and bring in Harrison Ford 1. More guys named Wolf

Top Ten Barry Switzer Excuses - August 07, 1997

10. Loopy from bad crack supplied by Michael Irvin 9. Took the phrase "shotgun offense" a little too seriously 8. If overhead baggage shifts during flight, you've got to be ready to defend yourself. 7. Just traded in his frequent flyer miles for a shiny Smith and Wesson 6. Working on his new "gangsta rap" identity, "Snoop Switzy Switz" 5. Needed a way to fend off thousands of Barry Switzer groupies 4. Wanted to shoot me some a' them crazy Russkies from 'Air Force One' 3. Promoting a new slogan, "NFL action -- it's guntastic!" 2. Wanted to get in the papers, but couldn't find a hooker 1. Cowboys need guns, damn it

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Garth Brooks Concert in Central Park - August 08, 1997

10. Check it out -- line-dancing crack dealers. 9. I think Billy Ray Cyrus just asked me for change. 8. Isn't that Mayor Guiliani dressed up like Minnie Pearl? 7. Call the paramedics -- Al Sharpton just started stage diving. 6. If you're not a cowgirl, what's the lasso for? 5. The entire Central Park reservoir is filled with Jack Daniels. 4. That's not rain. It's tobacco spit! 3. We're so far from the stage -- how's Garth gonna see me giving him the finger? 2. My god, Frank Gifford's making out with a rodeo clown! 1. Run for your lives! It's the late Conway Twitty!

Top Ten Real Reasons Connie Chung is Leaving CBS - August 11, 1997

10. Never got comfortable with the rule about she and Dan showering together 9. During newscasts, kept mistakenly calling Bill Clinton "Jed Clampett" 8. She's going to be Mrs. Larry King #9 7. Wants to devote herself full-time to taking care of her pregnant husband, Maury 6. Tired of Dan laughing whenever she said the phrase "penal code" 5. Same reason that those who could left the Titanic 4. CBS forcing her to change name to Dr. Chung, Anchor Woman 3. Woke up one morning and thought: "Oh my God. I'm on CBS!" 2. Two years co-anchoring with Dan and still no baby 1. Her last two paychecks bounced

Top Ten Other Great Things About Being Married to the Ketchup King - August 12, 1997

10. Dry tater tots -- never a problem! 9. Get to cruise around in custom-built Buick shaped like giant squeeze bottle 8. That really isn't lipstick on his collar 7. When he dies, you'll make millions auctioning off the ketchup packets from his glove compartment 6. Fifty-seven varieties, if you know what I mean 5. You can legally beat the hell out of anyone who pronounces it "catsup" 4. Automatic invitation to all the White House french fry galas 3. Endless series of hilarious practical jokes where he looks like he's bleeding 2. Loves it when you turn him upside down and slap him on the ass 1. Two words: ketchup jacuzzi

Top Ten Reasons Puerto Rico Does Not Want to Become a State - August 13, 1997

10. Pennsylvania's already "The Keystone State," and if you can't be "The Keystone State," what's the point? 9. Too disruptive to be towed by tugboat and welded on to Texas 8. Don't want to pay Clinton's Piņa Colada Tax 7. U.S. teams keep getting ass kicked by Canadian teams in World Series 6. As a state, it would attract more visits from Perot 5. Alaska became a state, and look what happened -- it's freezing there! 4. To avoid spoiling U.S. flag, they'd have to share a star with New Jersey 3. That "Ready to Rumble" guy is just too annoying 2. Might have to sit next to Packwood in the Senate 1. Two words: Lorena Bobbitt

Top Ten Signs You've Been in Space Too Long - August 14, 1997

10. Your entire body is a fluorescent shade of orange 9. You can't wait to get home and see what's happening on the CBS TV show "Central Park West" 8. The last time you changed your space suit, Bob Dole was in high school 7. You find yourself staring directly at the sun for hours 6. You just informed NASA of your plans to do a "Mach 4 Macarena" 5. You and your fellow astronauts just spent the last three months doing each other's nails 4. You've been sitting around so long, your ass is the size of Jupiter 3. You just lost your five millionth game of Tic-Tac-Toe 2. You're getting tired of "tinkering with the Hubble Telescope," if you know what I mean 1. You're so dizzy from weightlessness, you're planning to vote for Perot

Top Ten Signs the N.Y.P.D. Is Out Of Control - August 15, 1997

10. Besides handcuffs, officers carrying chains and leather whips 9. Many have appeared on both "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted" 8. Emptying service revolvers into donut racks to see which have jelly 7. They drive around Wall Street in a Sherman tank, shooting accountants in the ass 6. We're 20 games into the season and they still haven't arrested a single New York Met 5. Instead of sirens, squad cars now blaring John Tesh 4. From the back they all look like Ebert 3. Any chance they get, they take off clothes and do push-ups (video of Smits) 2. They spend most of their time frisking themselves 1. Goodbye, uniforms -- hello Batman outfits!

Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today - August 18, 1997

10. I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards 9. What do you know? The Jets still suck 8. I'm hungry -- is there are any food stuck in my sideburns? 7. I can't believe I missed the McRib Sandwich! 6. Who's this 'Richard Simmons,' and why's he keep trying to hug me? 5. I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want fries with that! 4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up 3. That Letterman punk's on the TV -- where's my revolver? 2. I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series on CBS 1. Lisa Marie married who?

Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the Rolling Stones' Tour - August 19, 1997

10. Honky-Tonk Women and Grumpy Old Men 9. We Live Through the Concert or Your Money Back 8. Come See What Hanson Will Look Like in the Year 2097 7. Hurry Before Keith Richards Lapses Into a Coma 6. Half-Price Off If You're Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Child 5. And You Thought Aerosmith Was Old 4. Hearts Full of Song and Teeth in a Glass 3. It's Like Metamucil For Your Ears 2. Where Else Can You See Bob Dole in a Mosh Pit? 1. Under 45 Not Admitted Without a Parent

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of the Miss Teen USA Pageant - August 20, 1997

10. Use interview portion to plug your phone-sex line 9. Your "evening gown" is made from aluminum foil and duct tape 8. Get caught stuffing swimsuit with Stridex Medicated Pads 7. Your sash reads "crazed loner" 6. Refuse private interview in hotel room of judge Bill Clinton 5. Your talent: making a really bitchin' fake ID 4. When asked your goal in life, you answer, "To become the next Mrs. Larry King" 3. Confess you're actually one of the brothers from Hanson 2. When other contestants talk about ending world hunger, you yell, "What a load of crap" 1. You're packin' heat

Top Ten Things Overheard During the Clinton/Kennedy Sailing Trip - August 21, 1997

10. No, Bill, I'm not seasick -- I always throw up this time of day 9. Isn't there a way to catch fish that are already fried? 8. We're listing to the left -- get Ted's head back to the center of the boat 7. Who wants another Chivas and salt water? 6. The main sail just ripped -- Senator, can we borrow your pants? 5. This time I'll be Captain Steubing and you can be Gopher 4. If you're outside U.S. waters, it's technically not adultery 3. That's not a doughnut, Mr. President -- it's a life preserver 2. Isn't a case of Jim Beam a bit much for a 30-minute boat ride? 1. Ship ahoy, Captain Tubby!

Top Ten McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac - August 22, 1997

10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan" 9. Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference? 8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe" 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true 5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal" 4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway 3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?" 2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device" 1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful

Top Ten Ways to Make Tennis More Exciting - August 25, 1997

10. No more silly trophies -- winner gets to sleep with loser's wife 9. Ball boys: those adorable Hanson kids 8. Every single player must legally change name to "Bjorn" 7. Make it more like baseball, the most thrill-packed sport known to man 6. Players must compete after night spent bar hopping with Jennifer Capriati 5. If game gets dull, John McEnroe comes out and curses up a storm 4. For God's sake, just let the players pick up the ball and throw it 3. TV commentators must match Monica Seles grunt for grunt 2. Before match, players must eat a heaping helping of tainted beef 1. More 'splosions

Top Ten Signs Your New College Roommate is Nuts - August 26, 1997

10. Walks around campus wearing nothing but a spiral notebook 9. He orders Big Macs with extra condoms 8. Whenever you put up a college pennant, he takes it down and eats it 7. Keeps reminiscing about the time he was married to Larry King for a semester 6. His personal web site: www.killmyroommate.com 5. He keeps cutting the eyes out of your Hanson poster 4. Claims to be majoring in something called "gettin' some" 3. His GPA's lower than his blood alcohol level 2. He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk beds 1. Has his S.A.T. scores tattooed on his forehead

Top Ten Good Things About Performing a Concert for the Pope - August 27, 1997

10. Post-show party at Vatican City Hooters 9. You suck doesn't sound nearly as bad in Latin 8. If he likes the show, he'll let you break three commandments of your choice 7. Pope always a good sport about getting hit in the head with a beach ball 6. Cool to see bishops show up in full KISS makeup 5. Standing ovation when you tear up picture of Sinead O'Connor 4. Unlike Dalai Lama, Pope doesn't get impatient during long drum solos 3. Get to see first hand why they call him "the stage-diving Pontiff" 2. You don't exactly have to compete with him for groupies 1. Half the crowd is loopy on incense

Top Ten Signs Your NFL Team Won't Be Doing Well This Season - August 28, 1997

10. Coach refers to X's and O's as "kisses" and "hugs" 9. Instead of cooler of Gatorade, giant blender of Margaritas 8. Wide receiver's religion forbids him to enter end zone 7. Team's only playoff experience was in the Betty Crocker bake-off 6. After a good play, they slap each other on the ass and don't stop until late the next morning 5. Team's new cheer includes the words "rebuilding season" 4. Defensive backs threaten to get opposing teams "zestfully clean" 3. They've gained so much weight, they don't need pads in their uniforms 2. Quarterback spends most of his time in locker room, sacking himself 1. Team huddle has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy

Top Ten Rumors That Would Start a Panic on Wall Street - August 29, 1997

10. E.F. Hutton? Gay as a tangerine 9. President Clinton just spent all the Medicaid money on fried dough 8. The newly-appointed head of the I.R.S.: Willie Nelson 7. Bill Gates just bet his entire fortune on the Jets 6. Frank Gifford videotaped in hotel room with chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan 5. They're about to issue a new $100 bill with the face of Urkel 4. Trading stocks is the leading cause of male pattern baldness 3. New contest -- most panicky stockbroker gets a date with supermodel Vendela 2. Letterman named permanent host of Academy Awards 1. Standard & Poor replaced by Siegfried and Roy

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School - September 01, 1997

10. I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp 9. The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy 8. Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be going out with you again this year 7. Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass" 6. Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class 5. The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler room 4. Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week? 3. Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow 2. My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me from last year as Mr. Rosenblum 1. I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning the U.S. Open - September 02, 1997

10. Doing a single sit-up makes you grunt louder than Monica Seles 9. At tennis camp, you were voted "Most Likely to Swallow Your Racket" 8. Somehow, most of your opponent's serves hit you in the back of the head 7. After your last match, it took twelve firemen to untangle you from the net 6. You keep missing serves because you're trying to light your crack pipe 5. You spend hours at a time trying to taste your racket's "sweet spot" 4. Halfway through match, ballboy says, "Screw you -- get your own!" 3. Your motto: "A bottle of schnapps a day keeps tennis elbow away" 2. The only thing you've ever served is an Arch Deluxe at the local McDonald's 1. You're often mistaken for a doubles team

Top Ten Reasons Boris Yeltsin Isn't Seeking Re-election - September 03, 1997

10. Promoting his line of "Yeltsin's Own" 200-proof salad dressing 9. Says he's "Had it up to here with them Commie Russkie bastards" 8. He and Clinton plan to tour the world as the "All-Stars of Puffiness" 7. Wants to join Gorbachev in Vegas as a casino greeter 6. The last time he visited Lenin's Tomb, Lenin said, "Time to pack it in, fatboy" 5. Moving to U.S. to open chain of "Boris's Blintz Shacks" 4. Wants to devote himself to his upcoming Christmas special, "Boris The Red-Nosed Russian" 3. Got chosen for the cast of "The Real World: Leningrad" 2. Going to Space Station Mir to find out what zero gravity feels like when you're wasted 1. The people want Yakov Smirnoff

Top Ten Things Overheard at the MTV Video Music Awards - September 04, 1997

10. Five minutes till show time -- we'd better thaw out Keith Richards 9. I don't care what you're formerly known as -- just park my damn car 8. Oh my God -- Coolio's hair just strangled an usher! 7. Radiohead couldn't make it. Here to accept on his behalf is his brother, Toaster-Oven-Head 6. I just saw Nine Inch Nails in the dressing room. It's more like Four Inch Nails 5. I thought the Chemical Brothers were Christian Slater and Robert Downey Jr. 4. Jakob Dylan? Any relation to Matt Dillon? 3. You little girls aren't allowed backstage -- oh, sorry, Hanson 2. Hey everybody -- let's beat up those snotty little bastards from 'The Real World' 1. And the award for Puffiest New Artist goes to...Puff Daddy!

Top Ten Ways to Make School More Appealing to Teenagers - September 05, 1997

10. In biology class, dissect least popular student 9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell 8. Every day at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call 7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of Our Country" 6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room 5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing 4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff 3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards" 2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters 1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike

Top Ten Rejected CBS Slogans for the Fall Season - September 08, 1997

10. CBS: The network that brought you `Weezie' Jefferson! 9. The Urkel has landed! 8. Watch CBS, and an angel will come to your house and touch you 7. Your grandparents watch us -- why don't you? 6. On our network there's no chance you'll see Dennis Franz naked 5. Now broadcasting in color! 4. Watch us or we'll send Walker, Texas Ranger over to kick your ass 3. We're the most entertaining network when viewed drunk 2. Welcome home -- to more of the same old crap 1. We're the poor man's WB

Top Ten Complaints of Larry King's New Wife - September 09, 1997

10. During sex, he shouts, "Connie, from Baton Rouge!" 9. Engraving on his wedding ring reads, "30-day money back guarantee" 8. Two words: suspender rash 7. Always out drinking with his brother Don King 6. She's listed on his speed dial as "the future ex-Mrs. King" 5. Instead of a diamond ring, he gave her one of his heart valves 4. In his newspaper column, Larry gave the marriage two months 3. He keeps holding "auditions" for wife number 8 2. At his age, he needs suspenders on more than just his pants 1. Refuses to kick Perot out of the garage

Top Ten Good Things About Rooming With the President's Daughter - September 10, 1997

10. Bitchin' motorcade from history class to language lab 9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross 8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium 7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer 6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad's "special" brownies 5. You become fourth in line for Presidency 4. At some point, you find yourself playing "quarters" with Ted Kennedy 3. When ordering from Domino's, you can take advantage of the President's volume discount 2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped around by Janet Reno 1. Somehow, you're not so embarrassed about your own father

Top Ten Miss America Contestant Pet Peeves - September 11, 1997

10. According to rules, your "talent" can't be "just standing around looking hot" 9. All that smiling gives your cheeks carpal tunnel syndrome 8. Long lines at Atlantic City's only all-night tattoo parlor 7. The fear that someone will find those old pictures of you with Danny Bonaduce 6. Winner no longer allowed to exchange scholarship money for malt liquor 5. The tiara screws up radio reception on your Walkman 4. Miss Teen U.S.A. keeps asking to borrow the car 3. Constant proposals from celebrity judge Larry King 2. If you borrow Miss New York's mascara, she breaks your thumbs 1. Two words: sash rash

Top Ten Least Popular College Football Team Nicknames - September 12, 1997

10. The Fighting Oprahs 9. The Fumble Bunnies 8. The Really, Really Wide Loads 7. The Nittany Poodles 6. The Trouser Pilots 5. The Career-Ending Knee Injuries 4. The Drunken Swedes 3. The Gorgeous Ladies of Football 2. The Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Pants-Dropping Presidents 1. The Philbins

Top Ten Ways New York City Cops Are Being More Courteous - September 16, 1997

10. Say "please" and "thank you" when extorting protection money from local merchants 9. New sirens that sound like someone politely clearing their throat 8. In addition to your one phone call, you get a lovely glass of ginger ale 7. New motto: "The criminal is always right!" 6. Before a strip search, they take you to dinner and a movie 5. After kicking in door, they say, "Did we come at a bad time?" 4. With each mug shot taken, you get two wallet-size prints 3. Fingerprinting now followed by manicure 2. Instead of, "You have the right to remain silent," "You have no right to look so fabulous!" 1. Three words: pine-scented mace

Top Ten Signs it's Spring in New York - September 17, 1997

10. Street vendors change hot dog water 9. Air is filled with 9mm, "NYC Hummingbirds" 8. Cab drivers yell "it's a lovely spring day, now get out of the road you stupid bastard!" 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets 4. Al Sharpton switches to a light weight medallion 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack 1. Everywhere you look--adorable baby rats

Top Ten Surprises in Roger Clinton's Book `Growing Up Clinton' - September 18, 1997

10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the army said, "no, thanks" 9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese outfit 8. He's half Clinton, half Piscopo 7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent three months chasing an armadillo across the Mojave Desert 6. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the reflecting pool 5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump" 4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as "one-term Bubba" 3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance (VT of Kato dancing) 2. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea 1. He voted for Perot

Top Ten Surprises in the New Fall Television Season - September 22, 1997

10. Touched by an Angel to feature 50% more touching 9. Sabrina the Teenage Witch now baby-sitting for Michael Kennedy 8. ABC announces that Hugh Downs has been legally dead since 1989 7. After every correct answer on "Jeopardy," Alex Trebek removes an article of clothing 6. Seinfeld cast members now stop scenes to count their money 5. For the first time ever, the "Late Show" will use the word "waffles" twice in the same list 4. Cops to devote entire season to crimes involving the Dallas Cowboys 3. Waffles 2. Walker, Texas Ranger and "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" have merged into "Walker Quinn, Medicine Ranger" 1. Urkel's pregnant

Top Ten New Allegations Against Al Gore - September 23, 1997

10. Has been covering up the fact that Janet Reno is his identical twin brother 9. Made hilarious prank fundraising calls under the name "Jerky Al" 8. Before Cabinet meetings, always gets, like, really baked 7. Has thirty pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times 6. Uses White House phones to run service called "1-900-HOT-VEEP" 5. Leaves Big Macs all around Oval Office in hope that President Clinton will eat himself to death 4. During campaign, spread rumor that Dole was old, when in fact he's only 36 3. On the night of March 12, at approximately 8:15 PM, he blinked 2. According to Tipper, he's not nearly as stiff as everyone thinks 1. He's the real father of Michael Jackson's baby

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music Awards - September 24, 1997

10. Your wife stole your dog and pickup truck? Hey, me too! 9. You can let go of your wallet, Garth. You're not in Central Park anymore. 8. That was some damn fine yodelling, Mr. Letterman. 7. George Strait? That's not what I hear... 6. Eww -- Willie Nelson's washing his hair in the punch bowl. 5. And the Lifetime Achievement Award goes to: Kenny Rogers' beard. 4. Look out! Cow in the mosh pit! 3. Call security -- Jerry Lee Lewis just proposed to Leann Rimes. 2. That's not Brooks & Dunn, that's Dolly Parton! 1. I've gotta take a grand ole leak.

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office - September 25, 1997

10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett. 9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos. 8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string. 7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging around. 6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note. 5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles. 4. Instead of Wite-Out, you're encouraged to use mayonnaise. 3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling. 2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap. 1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats.

Top Ten Ways Country Would Be Different if a College Student Were President - September 26, 1997

10. New constitutional amendment: parent legally required to do your laundry. 9. Every Thursday night: quarters with Janet Reno. 8. President buys State of the Union address from classified ad in back of Rolling Stone magazine. 7. Federal disaster relief available for bad attack of "the munchies." 6. North Dakota sold to Canada for a few cases of Molson. 5. Red phone in Oval Office has direct line to Domino's. 4. Air Force One replaced with really bitchin' van. 3. Mount Rushmore is now: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Jenny McCarthy. 2. World leader summit rescheduled because President slept late and "blew it off." 1. Secretary of State: Carrot Top.

Top Ten Bill Gates Pick-Up Lines - September 29, 1997

10. Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before? 9. Just close your eyes and pretend you're using a mouse. 8. Care to run your fingers through my ridiculous five dollar haircut? 7. You haven't lived until you've watched 'Revenge of the Nerds' on laser disc. 6. Looking at you, I'm neither micro nor soft. 5. Do you come here often? I don't, because I'm busy making billions of dollars. 4. How would you like to be my human laptop? 3. So, who do I make the check out to? 2. I beat Michael Jackson for the title of world's richest virgin. 1. I control

Top Ten Signs an Umpire Is Nuts - September 30, 1997

10. His chest protector has large silicone implants. 9. Cleans home plate with his tongue. 8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes. 7. Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape. 6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic. 5. Three small and very telling words: wears a cape. 4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!" 3. Insists that "baseball fever" is the cause of that weird rash onhis back 2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts, "Ball two!" 1. Long after game has ended, he's still squatting.

Top Ten Rejected Names for Bryant Gumbel's New Show - October 01, 1997

10. Touched By a Gumbel 9. Bryant's Wednesday Night Grab-Ass 8. Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Gumbel 7. Gumbellaventura 6. Why in God's Name Did I Move to CBS? 5. Gumbling for Dollars 4. Senor Bryant's Fiesta of News! 3. Letms Get Ready to Gumbel 2. Dateline NBC Sucks 1. Everybody Loves Bryant

Top Ten Rejected McDonald's Slogans - October 02, 1997

10. Double cheeseburgers and triple bypasses 9. Come watch old people work for minimum wage 8. The Burger King? Gay as an order of curly fries 7. Over 200 billion sold, mostly to fat guys with bad skin 6. A little bit of a clown in every bite 5. Hey - It's better than prison food 4. When you're arteries are just too damn clean 3. Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese...ah, screwit - eat at Wendy's! 2. It's pretty damn tasty for horse meat 1. Where's the contaminated beef?

Top Ten Signs You're in Love With Janet Reno - October 03, 1997

10. To simulate being with her, you close your eyes and hug aminivan. 9. Typical entry in your diary: "Today she wore the brown frames." 8. Every Christmas, you send her a pair of her favorite size 16pumps. 7. You become a notorious drug lord just to get her attention. 6. You're the Vice President, and you make illegal fundraisingcallsin the hopes of getting "probed." 5. You start a new website called "www.giant-lady.com" 4. Your towels are marked "His" and "Reno's." 3. Your favorite "In Search Of..." episode: Sasquatch. 2. Instead of buying an ordinary inflatable doll, you steal aballoon from the Macy's Parade. 1. Most of your sexual fantasies involve a stepladder.

Top Ten Surprising Findings from President Clinton's Physical - October 06, 1997

10. Instead of blood, his veins are filled with premium mayonnaise. 9. Suffers sore neck from staring up at Janet Reno. 8. Our Commander-in-Chief recently had his tounge pierced. 7. If you press head down hard enough, it picks up comics just like Silly Putty. 6. When he appears to be enjoying gum, he's actually chewing his cud. 5. Can hear potato chip bag being opened at 100 miles. 4. Looks tall on news, but is actually only 5'3". 3. Left half of brain dedicated entirely to remembering the phony telephone number Jenny McCarthy gave him. 2. Because of recent diet, has enough loose skin to make a lovely set of luggage. 1. Has a bad case of Urkel fever.

Top Ten Yankee Excuses - October 07, 1997

10. Distracted by Hideki Irabu banging on locked door of dugout. 9. Too relaxed after pregame massage from Don Zimmer. 8. Wanted to spare New York drivers the gridlock of a victory parade. 7. Them curve balls sure is curvy. 6. Did a little too much "choking up" the night before the game. 5. Wanted to spend more time at home watching CBS' new fall schedule. 4. Tough to concentrate on baseball when you're heartsick about the Siegfried & Roy breakup. 3. Tired from trying to help Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres have a baby. 2. Hard to resist chance to piss off George Steinbrenner. 1. Only gave 109%.

Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Spy - October 08, 1997

10. You often ask people, "Mind if I spy on you for a sec?" 9. Your photos of secret documents are all just close-ups of your thumb. 8. Your name: "Billy." Your secret code name: "Double-0-Billy." 7. Concealed within your umbrella is a slightly smaller umbrella. 6. Always order your malt liquor shaken, not stirred. 5. You keep accidentally chewing your plastic explosives. 4. Instead of trench coat, you wear a lovely pink bathrobe. 3. On your passport, occupation listed as "not a spy, that's for damn sure!" 2. You look through wrong end of your telescope and report that "them Russians is tiny." 1. You recently defected to K-Mart.

Top Ten Surprises in the White House Coffee Videos - October 09, 1997

10. Japanese businessmen address Clinton as "Tubby-san." 9. For a hundred bucks Al Gore rubs a funder's chest with Vap-O-Rub. 8. President starts meeting by saying, "My name is Bill Clinton, and I'm a bribe-aholic." 7. Each video begins with the words, "Directed by Oliver Stone." 6. Clinton keeps peering into camera and saying, "Lookee! I'm on the tee-vee!" 5. Ted Kennedy's recipe for "Irish coffee" contains no coffee. 4. Videos now available in Blockbuster's "Corruption" section. 3. Whenever anyone says, "Sanka," Clinton says, "You're welcome!" and laughs his ass off. 2. Pantsless President stirs his coffee without using his hands. 1. Bill drinks coffee; Hillary drinks Colt

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Cold - October 10, 1997

10. Upon seeing yourself in the mirror, your first thought is, "What's Keith Richards doing here?" 9. You get a thank you note from the president of "Kleenex." 8. Instead of saying, "Gesundheit," people head for the nearest bomb shelter. 7. You're shaking so much you dislodge a couple of fillings. 6. Your name is Michael Jackson and you're even whiter than normal. 5. You've taken to frying delicious bacon on your forehead. 4. You deliriously think, "Maybe I'll sit down and watch that new Tom Arnold show." 3. The thermometer melts in your mouth like cheap Mexican licorice. 2. Label on your Dristan package reads, "This won't help at all, you poor son-of-a-bitch." 1. Your eyelashe

Top Ten Rejected Names for America - October 13, 1997

10. Land of a Million Starbucks 9. Europe Lite 8. Tony Roma's Nation for Ribs 7. HBO's Def Democracy Jam 6. France's Less Fruity Cousin 5. Bigmakistan 4. Gateway to Tijuana 3. Nation that Doesn't Watch CBS 2. Bill Gates' Backyard 1. Megaland 3000

Top Ten Questions Janet Reno Wants to Ask President Clinton - October 14, 1997

10. Can I borrow your razor? 9. Mr. President, why aren't you wearing any pants? 8. Feelin' lucky? Well, are ya, punk? 7. Would you please stop calling me 'dude'? 6. Do you have Gennifer Flowers' home number? 5. When did you first learn of the plan to fill the Disney Store withbunnies? 4. Ever seen an Attorney General crush a beer can on her forehead? 3. Why do you giggle every time I use the word 'probe'? 2. Can you recommend a good 'Big and Tall' store? 1. Wanna rassle?

Top Ten Signs Your Car Won't Be Breaking the Land Speed Record - October 15, 1997

10. You're often passed by guys on riding mowers. 9. You can't fully depress gas pedal because of all the Big Mac wrappers and soda cans. 8. Every time you get up around 120, a Connecticut state trooper pulls you over. 7. Mechanic tells you it won't survive another car wash. 6. Getting your car to start involves the fire department and a catapult. 5. How fast can a car go when it's got 23 clowns in it? 4. Every time you fill gas tank, car doubles in value. 3. It's hard to gain speed with all those kids waving you down to buy ice cream. 2. Your car can go 800 mph, but those bastards from the Guinness Book won't talk to you because you're Jewish. 1. It goes from 0 to 60 in 9 days.

Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Can Ruin Her Approval Rating - October 16, 1997

10. Sell priceless White House antiques to support her crack habit. 9. Change her official title to "First Lady of Soul." 8. Launch crusade to get every child in America hooked on chewing tobacco. 7. Dash into elevators, hit buttons of floors nobody wants to go to, dash back out. 6. Become pregnant with the child of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler. 5. Admit she had a hand in developing the new Tom Arnold show. 4. Write children's book called The Little Engine That Hid Whitewater Documents Then Lied About It. 3. Beat Al Gore to death with a rake. 2. Become stripper and change name to "Hillary Hooters." 1. Publish her love letters to Saddam Hussein.

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Won't Be Playing in the World Series - October 17, 1999

10. Team's idea of a double play -- bourbon with a beer chaser. 9. Home games played in parking lot of local bowling alley. 8. Players refuse to slide for fear of ruining their manicure. 7. Manager is in excellent shape from walking out to the mound after every pitch. 6. Players keep pointing at the bat and saying, "Is that some kinda ball-wackin' stick?" 5. Team uniforms are made from duct tape and bedspreads. 4. When team takes the field, more than a few are carrying folding chairs. 3. On pop fouls, catcher takes off his mask, jersey, socks,and pants. 2. You best hitter's nickname: "The Sultan of Suck." 1. Instead of tobacco, players chew asbestos.

Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Celebrated Her 50th Birthday - October 27, 1999

10. Drank too much beer, passed out on bathroom floor at Fuddruckers. 9. A lively game of "Dodge-the-Subpoena." 8. Blew out candles, then hid them and denied they ever existed. 7. Enjoyed Mark Russell's hilarious new song: "Happy Whitewater to You." 6. Watched with mixture of horror and nausea as Janet Reno popped out of cake. 5. Wrote thank-you note to Queen Elizabeth for the $40 gift certificate to the Gap. 4. Hired clown to twist balloons into shapes of Asian campaign donors. 3. Held intimate gathering for close friends who aren't in prison yet. 2. Gave Gore $50 and demanded he show her "The Full Monty." 1. Jell-O shots with Madeline Albright.

Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is in a Panic - October 28, 1999

10. Every time the Dow drops five points he passes out like a carp. 9. While he's screaming, "Sell!" you gently remind him the market has been closed for three hours. 8. Sold blue chips, bought potato chips. 7. To help with the sweating, he's wrapped himself in Bounty paper towels. 6. He prefaces each stock quote by yelling, "Survey says!" 5. Whenever his beeper goes off, he stabs his thigh with a letter opener. 4. He buys wheat, pork futures and lettuce in order to corner the lucrative "B.L.T." market. 3. Tried to stage hostile takeover of Microsoft with $60 and a cap gun. 2. According to his wife, the stock market isn't the only thing that's been plummeting. 1. Claims he has D

Top Ten Complaints of the New Female NBA Referees - October 29, 1999

10. Have to share the ladies' room with Dennis Rodman. 9. The new "referee uniforms" look conspicuously like Hooters outfits. 8. Always go home smelling like Ben-Gay. 7. Players so obsessed with sports that they never want to just talk. 6. That "Lil' Penny" guy always trying to look up your skirt. 5. Keep getting faint and nauseous from Michael Jordan's cologne. 4. Players keep asking if they can watch you inflate the ball. 3. Whenever you call a foul, they try to get out of it by saying your hair looks pretty. 2. Husbands who keep beating the 24 second clock. 1. Them dudes is sweaty.

Top Ten Complaints of Runners in the New York City Marathon - October 30, 1999

10. Lose at least 20 minutes every time you get hit by a cab. 9. During course of race you pass 3,200 Starbucks. 8. Potholes the size of jacuzzis. 7. For no understandable reason, miles 8-11 smell like egg salad. 6. A pulled groin in Times Square will cost you $50 bucks. 5. Hard to light a cigarette while running. 4. Constant N.Y.C. gunfire makes it hard to distinguish starter's pistol. 3. Running for four hours is really, really, really, really boring. 2. In order to go over the Verrazano Bridge, they make you attach an E-Z Pass to your ass. 1. First prize: two week vacation on Rikers Island.

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating - October 31, 1999

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Top Ten Things Overheard During the New York City Marathon - November 03, 1997

10. Was that the starter pistol or a sniper? 9. I heard there's a special prize if you hurdle 100 dead guys. 8. Will you slow down for a second so I can steal your wallet? 7. I brought a compass in case I get lost in a pile of garbage. 6. 26 miles in 3 hours? That's better than my last cab ride to the airport. 5. According to my new $10 Rolex, I just ran the marathon in 21 minutes. 4. I thought I was the only runner who thought of using the subway. 3. Why does Donald Trump get to run with a jet engine strapped to his ass? 2. I'm sorry, sir, that crack is for the runners only. 1. I never thought I'd say this, but Al Roker's got magnificent calves.

Top Ten Reasons 'E.R.' Might Be Moving to CBS - November 04, 1997

10. They're hoping Andy Rooney will join their cast as a corpse. 9. Over 800 viewers can't be wrong. 8. Want to join forces with Dellaventura to beat up punks. 7. Hoping to undue damage done to network by Letterman. 6. Want to inject Urkel with bovine growth hormone and turn him into a rampaging Super-Urkel. 5. It's among the agreements reached by Clinton and Jiang Zemin. 4. George Clooney tired of fending off clumsy advances from Tom Brokaw. 3. Hypnotized by creepy CBS eye. 2. President of CBS promised them free kitties. 1. They miss Bryant, dammit.

Top Ten Signs Your Mayor is Nuts - November 05, 1997

10. Had his last name officially changed to "McCheese." 9. When you call 911, you get a recording of him singing show tunes. 8. Demands separate salary for each of his 27 personalities. 7. Trades key to city for plate of delicious buffalo wings. 6. His solution to crime problem: a giant signal to attract Batman. 5. Takes out ad promoting your city as "a great place to shoot your next pornographic film." 4. Can often be seen in the park, loudly declaring himself "Mayor of the squirrels." 3. Agrees to do lame comedy bit on network talk show. 2. Whenever someone says, "Your honor," he says, "No -- but I was last night!" 1. Raised taxes one billion percent.

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Pet Peeves - November 06, 1997

10. Girls who won't date him just because he's a ruthless homicidal lunatic. 9. Left his favorite sweatshirt in Kuwait. 8. When mom calls him "Saddamy" in front of his friends. 7. New Jenny McCarthy show not living up to the hype. 6. When he catches himself cheating at solitaire and has to cut off his own hand. 5. Not even a mention at the GQ Man of the Year Awards. 4. With recent defections, "Iraqi Army" now just three guys and a Super-Soaker. 3. Being classified as a "madman" makes your auto insurance rates go sky high. 2. Sex with his wife is always, "Wham, bam, thank you Saddam." 1. Four words: sand in his moustache.

Top Ten Reasons Alex Trebek Became a U.S. Citizen - November 07, 1997

10. Dying to show off how much he knows at the citizenship exam. 9. For 10th year in a row, lost Sexiest Canadian Alive to that bastard Alan Thicke. 8. Became interested after playing U.S. Citizenship: the Home Game. 7. Risked everything to flee Canada's crushing Communist regime. 6. What is...American tail? 5. Finally admitted to himself he's just not that interested in hockey. 4. Canadian bacon -- neither crispy nor delicious; American bacon -- crispy and very delicious. 3. After you're sworn in as citizen, you get a free USA totebag. 2. Got into a little Jeopardy with a stripper in Toronto. 1. I'll take "Who gives a crap?" for a thousand.

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive - November 10, 1997

10. You're not even the sexiest dishwasher at T.G.I. Friday's. 9. You recently appeared on MTV's House of Style. 8. You're the only guy in America who can't get sex by posing as a woman on the Internet. 7. You're 38 years old, and you still wear Spiderman pajamas. 6. Whenever you look at your inflatable woman, she spontaneously deflates. 5. The only conversation you ever have with a woman is to ask, "Paper or plastic?" 4. The most common greeting when you walk in a room is, "Who's frying bacon?" 3. Your current title: President and CEO of Microsoft. 2. You've got what's known in the commercial aviation industry as a two-ticket ass. 1. Your favorite sexual fantasy -- a

Top Ten Rejected Names for El Nino - November 11, 1997

10. Senor Stormy. 9. Gee, Your Monsoon Smells Terrific. 8. The Devil's Wet Hacking Cough. 7. Starbucks' New Storm-uccino. 6. Windy Pete, the South American Treat. 5. Al Roker's Meal Ticket. 4. The Atmospheric Salad Shooter. 3. Stormy Spice. 2. Weird El Ninovic. 1. Weathergate.

Top Ten Ways Things at the White House Are Different When Hillary Is Away - November 12, 1997

10. New sign: "If this Oval Office is rockin', don't bother knockin.'" 9. White House pool filled to brim with Jack Daniels. 8. Clinton's pants fly at half mast. 7. 7Huge kitchen fire when President attempts to microwave 30 pizzas at once. 6. Lincoln Bedroom full of hookers wearing top hats and fake beards. 5. South Lawn suddenly strewn with cars up on blocks. 4. White House renamed "Senor Bubba's Casa del Amor." 3. Bill can finally indulge his passion for uncooked bacon. 2. Every night, several rounds of "Oval Office Grab-Ass." 1. Three words: inflatable Betsy Ross.

Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein Can Improve His Image - November 14, 1997

10. Three words: adopt a kitty. 9. Join the cast of MTV's The Real World: Baghdad. 8. Instead of using terrorism to get his way, try saying "please." 7. Auction off his mustache on QVC. 6. Start marketing adorable Tickle Me Saddam doll. 5. Replace military beret with one of those hats with two beer cans attached to it. 4. Star in a new situation comedy Dharma and Greg and Saddam. 3. Do one of those cute milk mustache ads. 2. Deliver military orders with a sock puppet --pretend he's the crazy one. 1. Change last name to Hus-Seinfeld.

Top Ten Things Overheard During Washington, D.C. Jeopardy - November 17, 1997

10. I'll take 'Presidential Mistresses' for $200, Alex.' 9. No, Vice President Quayle, you cannot buy a vowel. 8. Yes, Senator Thurmond, this will be broadcast on 'the talking picture box.' 7. I don't care if you are behind a podium, Mr. President -- please put on your pants. 6. I'm sorry Senator Kennedy -- there's no such thing as a daily double scotch. 5. That's the twentieth time Rush Limbaugh has answered, 'What is pie?' 4. Excuse me, Mayor Barry, this is a no smoking area. 3. Mr. Gingrich, you won't win any points by calling me a 'Commie Canadian bastard.' 2. Tonight's audio Daily Double was recorded in Paula Jones' hotel room. 1. What is 'lame st

Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys - November 18, 1997

10. Fisher Price Bathtub Toaster 9. Heat-Packin' Barbie 8. Ouch! -- the Step-on-a-Rake game 7. Pin the Tail on Grampa 6. My Very First Mexican Nose Job 5. Dow Chemical's 55 Gallon Drum o'Mystery 4. RuPaul's Cube 3. The "Steal Your Parents' Money and Send it to Parker Brothers" game 2. Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Janet Reno 1. Tickle Me John Gotti

Top Ten Slogans for the New Baldness Pill - November 19, 1997

10. Make your head look like Ed Asner's back. 9. Got milk? Good, cause you sure don't got hair. 8. Take the whole bottle, and you'll turn into Fabio. 7. It's the hair club for boneheads. 6. If the pills don't work, you can take the cotton balls out of the bottle and glue them to your head. 5. Now, you too can look as cool as William Shatner. 4. It's like taking your combover to the gym. 3. It's the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever so-you-can-rest baldness pill. 2. Goodbye, Siskel -- hello, Ebert. 1. Side effects -- schmide effects.

Top Ten Cool Things About Having Septuplets - November 20, 1997

10. Shuts up that obnoxious cousin with the twins. 9. Four more kids and you've got a football team that can beat the Colts. 8. On their birthday, you can sit back and watch them pound the hell out of the clown you hired. 7. The pitter-patter of little feet registers 6 on the Richter scale. 6. Enough crappy crayon drawings to cover 7 refrigerator doors. 5. When they start crying on a plane, it can actually be heard from the ground. 4. One visit to Sizzler on "Kids Eat Free Sunday" and them boys is out of business. 3. Multi-million dollar lawsuit against condom company. 2. Instead of headache medication, doctor just gives you lifetime's supply of crack. 1. Baby carriage the size of

Top Ten Changes Planned for This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Parade - November 21, 1997

10. Anatomically correct Spiderman balloon. 9. Potholes filled with delicious cranberry sauce. 8. Goodbye N.Y.P.D. marching band -- hello, fat guy with an A.M. radio. 7. Popeye balloon now sporting several new obscene tattoos. 6. Times Square shop owners marching with helium-filled inflatable dolls. 5. For the first time, parade will feature guys in turkey suits stuffing each other. 4. Instead of waving and smiling, Santa Claus gives spectators the finger. 3. Local schoolchildren ride down Broadway on backs of giant rats. 2. Before an audience of millions, Bob Barker will neuter the Underdog balloon. 1. Willard Scott's brand new gravy-scented hairpiece.

Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire from Boxing - November 24, 1997

10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off. 9. Your last match was promoted as "The Snooza in Tuscaloosa." 8. When you hear the bell, you shout, "Is it dinner time, mommy?" 7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip. 6. Instead of "Let's get ready to rumble!" announcer says, "Let's watch the geezer get his ass kicked!" 5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren. 4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks. 3. Opponent's glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat. 2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap. 1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.

Top Ten Rockette Pet Peeves - November 25, 1997

10. Elves always "accidentally" grabbing your ass. 9. When management hires Mexican Rockettes for$69 per hour. 8. Other girl's shoes flying off and hitting you inthe face. 7. 221 years of independence and not a singleRockette President. 6. Sharing a locker room with the gin-swilling ex-conthat plays Santa. 5. When people at high school reunion confuse "RadioCity" with "Radio Shack." 4. Months after Christmas, you're still coughing upsequins. 3. Hard to concentrate on dancing when we could belistening to Letterman's new CD available for only$98 at record stores everywhere! 2. Eight-year-old boys who yell, "Take it off!" 1. Sick of getting pelted with Milk Duds.

Top Ten Things I, Dave Letterman, Am Thankful For - November 26, 1997

10. The love of my new bride, Pamela Lee. 9. Brisk sales of the new "Sing and Snore Dave" doll. 8. The seven most beautiful words in the English language: "All-you-can-eat shrimp at Sizzler!" 7. The great nation of Mexico and her miracle-working plastic surgeons. 6. Starting January 1st, 1998, my show will actually be televised. 5. Paul Shaffer, who took time out of his busy schedule to teach me how to read. 4. My new situation comedy, Dharma and Greg and Dave. 3. The new "Live on Letterman" CD, available at fine stores everywhere. 2. My right as an American to stand by the highway and give passing motorists the finger. 1. My weight is finally down to 395.

Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Specials - November 28, 1997

10. When Animals Attack Santa's Elves 9. Dick Clark's Rockin' Hanukkah Eve 8. Bob Hope's Dizzy Dizzy Christmas 7. Bob Hope's All-Star Celebrity Grab-Ass 6. Martha Stewart Makes a Bunch of Cheap Crap Out of Tinsel 5. Baste This, Charlie Brown 4. Hallmark's 'It's January 5th and Our Deadbeat Relatives Haven't Left Yet' 3. The Grinch Who Stole Office Supplies 2. Santa Claus Sells the Children's Toys For Beer Money 1. The Nutcracker Suite, starring Richard Simmons.

Top Ten Other Things That Will Get You Suspended from the NBA - December 08, 1997

10. Show up to game in the same dress as Dennis Rodman. 9. Suck the air out of basketball then tell everyone how "baked" you are. 8. Get caught chugging a bottle of Michael Jordan's cologne. 7. Exceed maximum height of 19 feet 6 inches. 6. Suggest that the referee blow something other than his whistle. 5. At halftime, roast team mascot on a giant spit. 4. Invite Karl "The Mailman" Malone to "sort your package." 3. Slam-dunk your ass into a spectator's nachos. 2. Drop your shorts and dribble without using your hands. 1. Scratch up the court with your high heels.

Top Ten Complaints Of President Clinton's New Puppy - December 09, 1997

10. Whenever you bury a bone, President digs it up and eats it. 9. Late-night walks always end up at local Hooters. 8. Much too easy to mistake Al Gore for a tree. 7. Keep getting yelled at for "fetching" Sam Donaldson's hairpiece. 6. When President says, "Roll over," he's usually talking to his date. 5. Roger hogs all the best chew-toys. 4. If you so much as look at Janet Reno, you get an assful of size-13pump. 3. Leash not as nice as the one Hillary uses on Bill. 2. Unfair having to get "fixed," when Clinton's the one who reallyneeds it. 1. Fighting with Bill over the last sausage.

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa - December 10, 1997

10. Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?" 9. His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face. 8. Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf. 7. He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho." 6. When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards." 5. Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow. 4. Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe. 3. Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach. 2. Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?" 1. He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.

Top Ten Highlights Of Clinton's Visit To New York - December 11, 1997

10. Declared Giuliani's combover a federal disaster area. 9. Stood outside today show with sign reading, "Bubba Loves Katie". 8. Bought fake Rolex on street from his brother Roger. 7. Took Circle Line boat tour around Al Roker. 6. Got free lapdance by going to strip club dressed as Santa Claus. 5. Hit up entire cast of Miss Saigon for campaign contributions. 4. Managed to walk several city blocks without asking a singlepedestrian forsex. 3. Brought in Da Noise and Da Funk, then hid them and denied they everexisted. 2. Went to Greenwich Village -- got "D.C. Tubby" tattooed on his ass. 1. Took presidential tour of the Rockettes' dressing room.

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party - December 12, 1997

10. Eggnog smells suspicously like Liquid Paper. 9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell. 8. Because of "corporate downsizing," Santa is only 120 pounds. 7. Only food available is something called "reindeer kebabs." 6. Last time you saw this much sucking up was on the Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson videotape. 5. Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater. 4. For the 16th year in a row, the Canadian band leader has passed out in the eggnog. 3. Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single ass gets photocopied. 2. Boss offers to give you a raise, and he's not talking about money. 1. It's held every year on July 23rd.

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Santa Claus - December 15, 1997

10. She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop". 9. An elf comes by the house to drop off a pair of her earrings. 8. Your new baby has white hair and a beard. 7. She smells like a combination of peppermints sticks and reindeerchow. 6. Instead of mailing your children's letters to Santa, she juststuffs themin her bra. 5. Paramedics need jaws of life to get the two of them out of yourchimney. 4. Lately, she's been commuting to work in a flying sled. 3. She keeps saying, "Not tonight -- visions of sugarplums are dancingin myhead." 2. For Christmas, your kids receive something called, "TheYour-Daddy-SucksDoll". 1. During sex she shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!"

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Horror Movie - December 16, 1997

10. Terrifying zombie looks suspiciously like Keith Richards. 9. Killer keeps saying, "I know what you had for lunch." 8. When the dead guy's hand reaches up from the grave, all it wants is a "high-five". 7. Instead of hockey mask, killer wears really frightening sombrero. 6. Joe Pesci plays an undead mob boss "Whack-ula". 5. Plot involves guy with allergies stuck on island inhabited by fluffykitties. 4. Victims keep screaming, "Please kill me -- this movie sucks." 3. Biggest scream comes when movie-goers hear price of a large popcorn. 2. You've seen more blood during a haircut at Supercuts. 1. It's just like "Scream", without all the really scary crap.

Top Ten Elf Pet Peeves - December 17, 1997

10. After too much eggnog, Mrs. Claus is "all hands." 9. Ever since they hit the big time, those damn Keebler Elves act likewedon't exist. 8. Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?" 7. That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy. 6. You're enjoying the jacuzzi, and Santa gets in naked. 5. Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaugheyseptuplets. 4. It's at least a thousand miles from North Pole to nearest stripclub. 3. Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box marked"elf." 2. Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off. 1. Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

Top Ten Ways I, David Letterman, Am Spending The Holidays - December 23, 1997

10. Visiting Robert Downey Jr. with a carton of Christmas cigarettes. 9. Chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head. 8. Going to KFC for a tasty bucket of deep-fried elf parts. 7. Hosting my special, Seqor Dave's Old-Fashioned Mexican Christmas. 6. Learning to snowboard on the slopes of Al Roker. 5. Dropping by Times Square strip club for some "figgy puddingwrestling." 4. Keeping a careful log of when each needle drops off the tree. 3. Helping myself to some delicious eggnog. 2. Going to Tijuana for more plastic surgery. 1. Putting little Santa hats on my kitties.

Top Ten New York Giants Excuses - December 29, 1997

10. Win or lose, New York fans are still going to give you the finger. 9. Eyes weepy and red from viewing Titanic. 8. Shouldn't have replaced bucket of Gatorade with keg of Coors Light. 7. Team's starting quarterback: Angela Landsbury. 6. Misheard chants of "Go Team" as "Go blow a nine-point lead with a minute and a half to go." 5. Spent halftime watching those flickering Japanese cartoons. 4. More fun to stay home and enjoy those awesome Super Bowl commercials. 3. Because of typo, spent week before game practicing foosball. 2. Wanted to prove that Latrell Spreewell isn't the only one who chokes. 1. Footballs is slippery.

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much During The Holidays - December 30, 1997

10. On recent flight, had to buy companion ticket for each of your chins. 9. Only two words you've spoken since Thanksgiving are "more" and "gravy." 8. On New Year's, millions gather in Times Square to watch you drop. 7. Every morning you cough up three pounds of Christmas ornaments. 6. People keep saying, "Happy holidays, Mr. President." 5. Your waist size has gone from a 34 to a "My God, what the hell happened to you?" 4. Sizzler just put you on a three-year buffet probation. 3. The salesman at the Big & Tall Store says, "Sorry, pal--we're gonna have to special-order something." 2. No matter what you say, you get an argument from Gene Siskel. 1. You're sweatin' eggnog.

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad New Year's Eve Party - December 31, 1997

10. Instead of Dom Perignon '85, it's Dom DeLuise'91 9. Martha Stewart made your hat out of pine conesand petroleum jelly 8. The noisemakers are drowned out by all thegunfire 7. Try as you might, you're only partying like it's1989 6. Any combination of Richard Simmons and a diaper 5. The hors d'oeuvres are something called "HongKong Chicken Wings" 4. You scream, "Happy New Year!" and the clerk atthe 7-11 says, "Thanks, man" 3. You're sitting in the Ed Sullivan Theater 2. Your name is Robert Downey Jr. and your cellmatewants to give you a New Year's kiss 1. It's June 24th
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