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Top Ten Things We Learned From The Mars Rover - January 5, 2004

10. Contrary to earlier findings, Mars only about a mile from Earth 9. NASA's Mars footage looks suspiciously similar to Atari's Asteroids 8. So far, no sign of Mork 7. Thought I saw Paris Hilton having sex with a Martian 6. We could've taken a photo of Death Valley and saved 400-million dollars 5. The Mars invasion force is already on its way and there's not a damn thing we can do about it 4. It's much more Mars-y than we even imagined 3. Whole "red planet" thing just a marketing ploy by Cherry 7-Up 2. Kucinich's popularity rating on Mars is the same as on Earth 1. Osama ain't there, either

Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears' Answering Machine - January 6, 2004

10. "This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready" 9. "Hey, it's Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?" 8. "It's the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready" 7. "Rush Limbaugh here. I'd love to try whatever you were taking the other night." 6. "So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?" 5. "Hey, it's Paris. You don't need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet." 4. "This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced." 3. "Honey, it's Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle." 2. "It's Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius." 1. "Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week"

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Get Off My Chest Now That I'm in the Baseball Hall of Fame (As presented by Paul Moliter and Dennis Eckersley) - January 7, 2004

10. "Once after I hit a grand slam I kissed the umpire on the mouth" 9. "In case there's any confusion, when I die, please don't freeze me" 8. "On July 17, 1984, I told the manager I pulled a hamstring and I went to see 'Ghostbusters'" 7. "Thank God I was never a Devil Ray" 6. "I joined a gym so I can continue to shower with men" 5. "Forget all that stuff during contract negotiations -- I was seriously, seriously overpaid" 4. "I traded my 1993 World Series ring for two front row tickets to a Jethro Tull concert" 3. "Once a guy made a joke about the mustache so I beat him to death with a Fungo Bat" 2. "During difficult times in my life I rebroadcast or retransmitted games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball" 1. "Earlier today, I married Britney Spears"

Top Ten Things I Have Learned Interning At the LATE SHOW (As presented by the LATE SHOW interns) - January 8, 2004

10. "Television is a magical dreamland of paying delivery guys and replacing toner cartridges" 9. "Late Show T-shirts are made in a sweatshop under the Ed Sullivan Theater" 8. " hours of work go into writing Dave's so-called 'fan mail'" 7. " differences allow you to distinguish Dave's twin poodles, Chablis and Chardonnay" 6. "Any idiot can become famous if they own a suit and can read a cue card" 5. "New York is a wonderful place to meet hookers" 4. " I'm asked, 'Have you ever wasted four months of your life?' I'll be ready with an answer" 3. "Don't go to Dave's barber" 2. " make Dave's coffee, add two scoops of French roast for every cup of Dewar's" 1. "My parents lie and say I intern for Leno"

Top Ten Signs You've Been On The Campaign Trail Too Long (presented by Dick Gephardt) - January 12, 2004

10. "Every speech begins: 'It's great to be wherever the hell I am today'" 9. "You've hired Pete Rose to manage your campaign funds" 8. "You've been working tirelessly to secure endorsement of your imaginary friend Lester" 7. "You black out while campaigning in Nevada and wake up married to Britney Spears" 6. "You ask yourself, 'What would Schwarzenegger do?'" 5. "Last time you were home, America had 36 states" 4. "More and more debates are ending with you and Joe Lieberman on the floor wrestling" 3. "You actually attempt to show a pie chart on the radio" 2. "Agree to appear on lame late night talk show" 1. "Get caught polling yourself"

Top Ten Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled - January 13, 2004

10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood" 9. "It can only make left turns" 8. "Ambulances follow you around" 7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine"" 6. "It has the same battery as your watch" 5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars"" 4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only"" 3. "Blue book value: $38.75" 2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy" 1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"

Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars - January 14, 2004

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location 9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative 8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com 7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there 6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil 5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph 4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections 3. Dude, free Mars bars 2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy 1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

Top Ten Al Roker Explanations For Why It's So Cold" - January 15, 2004

10. "An area of low pressure, which is formed in eastern Canada, moved quickly southeast... oh, who am I kidding? I have no idea what I'm talking about" 9. "You didn't hear it from me, but earth has spun out of orbit and is hurdling away from the sun" 8. "With a Kuchinich Presidency still a slight possibility, hell is beginning to freeze over" 7. "Who cares about the weather -- "Don't I look great?"" 6. "The Gods are angry about that Britney Spears marriage" 5. "Someone must have left the Ed Sullivan Theater doors open" 4. "If I actually knew, don't you think I'd be doing something about it" 3. "Let's just say it's gonna stay cold 'till I get a raise" 2. "Don't know, but we could figure it out over a warm snuggle by a roaring fire at my place" 1. "It's January, you pantywaists -- get over it!!"

Top Ten Questions Received By The Toro Snow Blower Hotline - January 16, 2004

10. "I'm blowing into it, but it won't snow" 9. "Do you make one for rain?" 8. "Who do I call about reattaching my hand?" 7. "Can you use it to make sno-cones?" 6. "This is Monica Lewinsky, are you looking for a spokesperson?" 5. "Can I use it to make cole slaw?" 4. "Toro? Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to call Zorro?" 3. "Can I use the snow blower indoors as a fan?" 2. "Where exactly does Bush think he's getting the money to go to Mars?" 1. "Can I blow myself?"

Top Ten Ways I, Howard Dean, Can Turn Things Around - January 22, 2004

10. "Switch to decaf" 9. "Unveil new slogan: 'Vote for Dean and get one dollar off you next purchase at Blimpie'" 8. "Marry Rachel on final episode of 'Friends'" 7. "Don't change a thing -- it's going great" 6. "Show a little more skin" 5. "Go on 'American Idol' and give 'em a taste of these pipes" 4. "Start working out and speaking with Austrian accent" 3. "I can't give specifics yet, but it involves Ted Danson" 2. "Fire the staffer who suggested we do this lousy Top Ten list instead of actually campaigning" 1. "Oh, I don't know -- maybe fewer crazy, redfaced rants"

Top Ten Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor - January 23, 2004

10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events." 9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement." 8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo." 7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her." 6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!" 5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow." 4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes." 3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!" 2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news." 1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in.""

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks - February 02, 2004

10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I'm using one of my old undershirts." 9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It's a legal alternative to crack." 8. "Let me make sure that's not too hot." 7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers." 6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars." 5. "Sugar with that?" 4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!" 3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin' Donuts for coffee, I'll break your legs!" 2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me." 1. "After work, I'm gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."

Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Presidential Candidate - February 04, 2004

10. "Vote for me or I'll slash your tires" 9. "Forget universal health care -- I'm buying every American an XBox" 8. "In a crisis I ask myself, 'What would Tony Danza do?'? 7. "I'd give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn't rip stinkin' drunk" 6. "If your last name begins with 'M' through 'Z,' sorry -- your taxes are doubling" 5. "We're gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada" 4. "I have tons of experience from being president of the Burt Reynolds fan club" 3. "Lady, that is one ugly baby" 2. "When I'm president, I'm putting Regis on Mt. Rushmore" 1. "Read my lips: no new wardrobe malfunctions"

Top Ten Changes CBS Is Making To The Grammys - February 06, 2004

10. "Best Country Album" award determined by good old fashioned leg wrasslin." 9. "Only live performance of the evening: A Howard Dean crazed rant." 8. "New category: Song most illegally downloaded." 7. "To encourage people to watch CBS, changing title to "Grammys: CSI." 6. "For safety reasons, earth and wind may perform but fire is prohibited." 5. "Bjork will be even bjorkier!" 4. "To draw fans of the Latin Grammys, all participants will wear sombreros." 3. "Opening number: A musical tribute to the FCC." 2. "Only Jackson permitted at the ceremony is Marlon, who is working backstage as a grip." 1. "If your acceptance speech is over 30 seconds, Puffy starts shooting."

Top Ten Perks Of Winning The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show - February 11, 2004

10. Winning makes you forget how much you smell like dog 9. He's been invited to the White House to drink out of the toilet 8. The past 24 hours I've eaten so much free dog food it's silly 7. Mayor Bloomberg has given him special permission to smoke indoors 6. That old slipper Josh chewed on? I just sold it on eBay for $500 5. It's down to us and that Taco Bell dog for the next "Beethoven" movie 4. We both get $2 off our next flea bath 3. Fun to call the Red Sox and ask, "So have you ever won anything?" 2. If we're lucky, a chance to appear on "The Tonight Show" 1. A whole lot of tail

Top Ten Signs You Should Get A Divorce - February 12, 2004

10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters." 9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another. 8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Bitch" section is. 7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you. 6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident. 5. She brings a date to couples counselling. 4. You just married Liza Minnelli. 3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed. 2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states. 1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."

Top Ten Good Things About Being Named George W. Bush - February 17, 2004

10. Read my lips: I never pay taxes 9. I receive courtesy calls whenever Cheney has a heart attack 8. I always get the Presidential Suite at Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland 7. After sex, my wife hums "Hail to the Chief" 6. Whenever I get bored, I call the Texas Department of Corrections and have them execute a guy 5. Last week, I used an improperly addressed Halliburton contribution to buy myself a trampoline 4. I've been cleaning up on Denny's "Presidents Eat Free" promotion 3. Amusing late night phone calls from a drunk Tony Blair 2. People are pleasantly surprised that I'm not an idiot 1. The President offered me ten grand for a copy of my military records

Top Ten Good Things About Being A New York Yankee (presented by George Steinbrenner) - February 18, 2004

10. "With the player discount, a hot dog at Yankee Stadium is now only $50" 9. "Your bobble-head doll is a legal form of identification in New York State" 8. "With me there's very little pressure to win" 7. "Hideki Matsui can teach you to sing in Japanese" 6. "After every game, Yogi Berra gives you a complimentary foot massage" 5. "Our spring training facility is near a Hooters" 4. "Take it from the guy signing the checks -- some of the players do OK for themselves" 3. "Pinstripes make your butt look slimmer" 2. "You get to meet all of Derek Jeter's girlfriends" 1. "You think this A-Rod deal is good? We're about to sign TY Cobb"

Top Ten Signs Bush Is Considering Dumping Cheney - February 19, 2004

10. Cheney's desk has been replaced by President's new air hockey table. 9. There's a listing on Monster Dot Com for a Vice-Presidential position in a "Large North American Government." 8. Cheney's so depressed he's only eating 12 KFC drumsticks a day. 7. There is a "For Rent" sign on the front lawn of the undisclosed location. 6. When Cheney says, "We're gonna win in November," Bush snarls, "What's this 'We' crap?" 5. White House interns are no longer required to know CPR. 4. The CIA says they have reliable information Cheney won't be dumped. 3. Bush asked Trump if he could come to Washington and fire Cheney. 2. Yesterday a tearful Cheney sang "I Will Survive" on the White House lawn. 1. Bush called Daddy looking for Quayle's number.

Top Ten Surprises In John Kerry's FBI File - February 23, 2004

10. Once when he was 30, he smiled. 9. Has experimented with drugs, alcohol and Botox. 8. Had he decided not to go into politics, it would have been the Captian, Tennille and Kerry. 7. Belonged to an exclusive secret society called the Columbia Record and Tape Club. 6. He used to be Joan Kerry. 5. Favorite Jackson: Tito. 4. There's a seperate FBI file for his Hair. 3. Never missed an episode of "Sanford and Son." 2. Even as a young man he looked like a horse. 1. In spring of 1972, killed a hitchhiker.

Top Ten New York Knicks City Dancers Pet Peeves - February 24, 2004

10. Even during blowouts, they never let me play more than one quarter. 9. Going home every night with that damn "Charge" song stuck in my head. 8. Inflated player salaries are turning all of professional sports into something only the wealthy can attend... and telemarketers calling during dinner. 7. If the ball pops, guess who has to run to the store to get another one? 6. After the circus, it takes two weeks to air out Madison Square Garden. 5. Sequin burn 4. Last week Isiah Thomas tried to trade us for Shaquille O'Neal. 3. When one of us pulls a hamstring, suddenly every guy in the house is a doctor. 2. My holiday bonus last year -- a Dikembe Mutumbo Bobblehead Doll. 1. We keep getting fined by Mayor Bloomberg because we're smokin'!

Top Ten Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie - February 25, 2004

10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!" 9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic" 8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew" 7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder" 6. "Was this really based on a book?" 5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?" 4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'" 3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now." 2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate" 1. "Don't tell me the ending"

Top Ten Good Things About Winning An Academy Award - February 26, 2004

10. "I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year." 9. "I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame." 8. "Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna polish my oscar?'" 7. "Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets." 6. "No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull." 5. "If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way." 4. "On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes." 3. "A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off and there's Bourbon inside." 2. "Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?" 1. "There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you."

Top Ten Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th - February 27, 2004

10. "My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday presents" 9. "Between my birthday and the damn groundhog, February's a non-stop party" 8. "Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four years, too" 7. "You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been born February 28th?" 6. "How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?" 5. "We still pay the children's price at the movies" 4. "Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin" 3. "There's nothing good about it -- I just wanted to meet Cosby" 2. "Dumb people think you're supernatural" 1. "I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"

Top Ten Catch Phrases Ryan Seacrest Rejected Before "Seacrest Out!" presented by Ryan Seacrest - March 02, 2004

10. "Seabiscuit out!" 9. "Wow, I'm gorgeous!" 8. "Next time bring your sister, you hump." 7. "All hail North Korea's brave leader Kim Jong-Il!" 6. "This is Ryan Seacrest saying, 'Don't let the Asian Bird Flu get you!'" 5. "I'm lactose-intolerant." 4. "Don't have your pets spayed or neutered." 3. "This has been Ryan Seacrest on 'American Idol,' or 'American Top 40,' or 'On-Air with Ryan Seacrest,' or whatever the hell I'm on right now!" 2. "Vote for Kucinich/Seacrest this November." 1. "So long, losers!"

Top Ten Things Governor Schwarzenegger Hears In A Typical Day - March 03, 2004

10. "When are you going to drop the phony accent?" 9. "Read the Education Budget and then you can have some Strudel." 8. "Why does this place always smell like Baby Oil?" 7. "Are you driving the Hummer to the Earth Day rally?" 6. "Letterman on the phone again -- should I tell him you're still in a meeting?" 5. "The Govenor will answer a few questions then show off his abs and delts." 4. "Relax, Governor -- I wasn't sent from the future to kill you." 3. "When shaking hands with assembly members, stop squeezing once you hear a crack." 2. "You gave up a $25 million salary to do this?!" 1. "Governor, please put the desk down."

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy In A Hotel - March 04, 2004

10. "The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you, add three." 9. "I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet paper." 8. "Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes." 7. "If you want a bellhop, press '1' on your phone; If you want a hooker, press '2.'" 6. "Ring this bell again, I'll burn your luggage." 5. "Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?" 4. "You know, every room has a hair dryer -- How's that for ritzy?" 3. "Are you the bastard that took my gin out of the minibar?" 2. "Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping?" 1. "Do you mind sharing your room with a monkey?"

Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Wants To Be Vice President - March 05, 2004

10. The Washington, D.C. TJ Maxx has sold out of pantsuits. 9. She's practicing sitting around doing nothing. 8. Instead of pretending to be from New York, she's pretending to be from key battleground states Ohio, Florida and Michigan. 7. Bragged to reporters the next "Hillary-Gate" is going to be off the hizzook. 6. Says she wants to be the first female Vice President since Gore. 5. Just purchased a large amount of Halliburton stock. 4. Called Century 21 to ask about listings for undisclosed locations. 3. Well, there's the "Kerry/Clinton" tattoo. 2. Firing up the ol' paper shredder. 1. If it would help she'd have sex with Bill.

Top Ten Signs Your Supreme Court Justice Is On The Take - March 16, 2004

10. Begins every case with, "We'll start the bribing at ten thousand." 9. His written opinions always have several mentions of the thirst-quenching taste of Mountain Dew. 8. Regularly convenes court at the dog track. 7. Asks, "Does either attorney plan on inviting me on any hunting trips?" 6. For a Supreme Court Justice he certainly is mentioned on "The Sopranos" a lot. 5. All the bling bling. 4. His last article in the "Law Journal" was about finding the right fence for your stolen goods. 3. When you have a meeting with him in chambers, frisks you for a wire. 2. He's on the Forbes 500 List between Bill Gates and Oprah. 1. Already declared Bush the winner of the November election.

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying A Shillelagh - March 17, 2004

10. "Do I need another Shillelagh?" 9. "Should I pay the extra ten dollars and get the Mach 3 Shillelagh?" 8. "In case I need assistance, is there a Shillelagh customer service hotline?" 7. "Used Shillelagh: Unsanitary?" 6. "What does the size of my Shillelagh say about me?" 5. "Where does John Kerry stand on Shillelaghs?" 4. "Should I hold off until the 2005 Shillelaghs arrive?" 3. "Should I just go to the yard and get a stick?" 2. "Will I get a discount if my name is Shelly?" 1. "Am I comfortable being known as 'That jackass with the Shillelagh'?"

Top Ten Ways Dennis Kucinich Can Still Be The Next President Of The United States presented by Dennis Kucinich - March 22, 2004

10. "Keep doing what I'm doing -- I'm winning, right?" 9. "Constitution is amended stating presidents must be 35 or older, a natural-born citizen and named 'Dennis'." 8. "Act like a boob so people will perceive me as more Presidential." 7. "You want crazy campaign promises? Fine! If I'm elected everybody gets a million bucks." 6. "Enter and win next 'American Idol'." 5. "Announce your running mate will be a plate of fudge -- people love fudge." 4. "Just wait till I unleash my new campaign slogan: 'Kucizzle in the Hizzle!'" 3. "According to the order of presidential succession, if George W. Bush were to resign today, along with Dick Cheney and about 300 other people, the presidency passes to a congressman from Ohio." 2. "Get the governors of every state to rig the election." 1. "I'm praying for a sex scandal."

Top Ten Perks Of Being America's Next Top Model presented by Yoanna House - March 24, 2004

10. I can wear any crap and suddenly it's "in style." 9. Never again have to go on one of those pageants where you're hit on by Donald Trump. 8. All the chaw a girl can stomach. 7. I'm third in line after Bush and Cheney. 6. Instead of walking down the runway, I get to use a conveyor belt. 5. Finally drunk, annoying, cheesy guys will start hitting on me. 4. Nice to be on a reality show without having to deal with that British twit. 3. Guess who's the new leader of Iraq?! 2. Hopefully you get to meet Jay Leno. 1. Now that I won I'm gonna sit my ass on the couch and eat Ruffles.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy In A Sports Bar - March 29, 2004

10. "Are you one of those annoying people that insist on drinking out of a clean glass?" 9. "I'm betting Duke advances and you get violently ill from that quesadilla." 8. "Before I can take your order I need a specimen." 7. "In case you're wondering, I get off at ten." 6. "I can't remember which are hot and which are mild... these are hot." 5. "I'm sorry, but the team I bet on lost, so I had to add fifty bucks to your bill." 4. "Let me know if that beer stings your throat -- I might've dropped some Benzene in it." 3. "Excuse me, can I see your ID? Can I see your bare chest?" 2. "We only have one more six pack of Mountian Dew Left, so drink slow." 1. "Opps -- time for Oprah."

Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Nuts - March 30, 2004

10. State has a minimum speed limit of 135 mph 9. Balanced budget by agreeing to rename state Schick Quattro 8. Wanted to re-draw borders so state would be in the shape of Garfield the cat 7. Only signs bills that have been approved by Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson 6. He's shirtless and covered in baby oil 5. Insists younger voters refer to him as "The Governizzle" 4. He won't shut up about the hooker he met last night 3. Gave NASA forty billion dollars to determine if there's water in the state 2. Replaced the state seal with an actual seal 1. During meetings, can't stop giving himself "pocket veto"

Top Ten Questions You're Afraid To Ask Condoleezza Rice - April 01, 2004

10. "Did Bush ever hurt himself trying to pronounce your name?" 9. "At cabinet meetings, who besides you and Cheney wear lipstick?" 8. "Do you know Leeza Gibbons?" 7. "Do you own a condo?" 6. "Did you ever try the 'Condoleezza Rice' at Chi-Chi's?" 5. "As a souvenir, did you keep any of Saddam's beard lice?" 4. "Hey, where'd you get that cool Halliburton sweatshirt?" 3. "Who told CNN that Letterman faked the footage of the bored kid next to Bush?" 2. "About those Iraqi weapons of mass destruction -- did you check Baghdad Mini-Storage?" 1. "What kind of job will you and Bush be looking for in January 2005?"

Top Ten Things Said By A Guy In A Basketball Costume - April 02, 2004

10. "Don't tell nobody but I got a dead body in here." 9. "I'm Eddie -- Your blind date." 8. "Look what steroids did to me." 7. "I need a little help here -- a rat ran up inside my costume!" 6. "I'm taking a leak at this very moment." 5. "There's room for two in this thing." 4. "You wanna hear something scary? This ain't a costume." 3. "I can't fit in a cab -- for ten bucks would you roll me to Brooklyn?" 2. "Can you get me a rag? I just threw up in this thing." 1. "You know where I can find an orange, ball-shaped hooker?"

Top Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Donald Trump - April 06, 2004

10. Every Thursday night, you fire one of your kids. 9. Instead of "Hump Day," you refer to Wednesday as "Trump Day." 8. Insist that people refer to your residence as the Taj Ma House 7. Before going under for an appendectomy, you say, "If I don't make it, tell Donald I love him." 6. He goes by "The Donald," you go by, "The Kenny." 5. Instead of mowing your lawn, you let the grass grow very long then comb it over. 4. Wife filed for divorce after you converted the bedroom into a boardroom. 3. Your co-workers have given you the affectionate nickname "that loser who's obsessed with Donald Trump." 2. When blowing out birthday candles, you wish to be a 23-year-old Russian model so Trump will love you. 1. You're Donald Trump

Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Upcoming Gay Western - April 07, 2004

10. "The Good, The Bad And The Hunky" 9. "How The West Was Redecorated" 8. "The Adventures Of Frank And Jesse And James" 7. "Seven Brothers For Seven Brothers" 6. "Butch Cassidy And The Even Butcher Sundance Kid" 5. "Rio Lesbo" 4. "Dances with Men" 3. "The Magnificent Seven Inches" 2. "Go West, Young Man...Now South... A Little More To The South... Oh God, Yes! Right There!" 1. "A Fistful Of Wild Bill"

Top Ten Ways I, Dave, Celebrated My 57th Birthday - April 12, 2004

10. Opened my mom's gift -- 3 Canadian quarters and a tin of chaw. 9. I've eaten my weight in frosting. 8. Enjoyed rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday" performed by waiters at T.G.I. Fridays. 7. Just for laughs, fired 57 employees. 6. Listened to same old speech from doctor about why candles aren't edible. 5. For one night only, raised thermostat in the Ed Sullivan Theater to 57 degrees. 4. Treated myself to a little more face work. 3. Four words: Tequila shots and karaoke. 2. A festive game of "Bobbing for Lipitor." 1. High Tea with my Poodles -- Paris and Nicky

Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Using Steroids - April 13, 2004

10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist. 9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample. 8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates. 7. That guy who looks like the Phillie Phanatic is actually your shortstop. 6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager. 5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole. 4. Can spit sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour. 3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up." 2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him. 1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top.

Top Ten Ways My Life Has Changed Since Becoming Famous (as presented by Ruben Studdard) - April 14, 2004

10. I'm now the most famous guy in the world named Ruben 9. Thanks to NAFTA, I'm also the Canadian and Mexican Idol 8. Last weekend, I was briefly married to Britney Spears 7. I can actually afford to gas up my car 6. Now that I'm making big money, I no longer have to buy the generic paper towels 5. Guess who cleans my pool? Hall and Oates 4. Dude, Bush just asked me if I wanted to rule Iraq! 3. In addition to an agent and a manager, I have an apprentice 2. Chance to appear on my favorite late night talk show -- but until then this one will do 1. After I won I gave Paula Abdul a Ruben sandwich

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Accountant - April 15, 2004

10. "Listen, I'm not good with math" 9. "The good news is you're getting a huge refund -- the bad news is you'll have to hide in Costa Rica for a while" 8. "I'll gladly waive my fee for a night with your wife" 7. "Hey, get me a drink!" 6. "Do you have any dedemptions or exuptions or whatever?" 5. "Relax, everything here will be fine -- I used to work for Enron" 4. "Screw the computer -- I do all my work on an Etch-A-Sketch" 3. "What's your rush? The deadline is June 15th, right?" 2. "You can't claim yourself as your own spouse" 1. "I was late filling your return so I could appear on Letterman"

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol" - April 26, 2004

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks" 9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'" 8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV" 7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow" 6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself" 5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants" 4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was" 3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling" 2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car" 1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Bill Clinton's Memoirs - April 27, 2004

10. "I'm Writing This Chapter Naked" 9. "I Pray Hillary Doesn't Read Pages 6, 18, 41-49, 76 And Everything Past 200" 8. "Protecting The Constitution: How To Get Gravy Stains Out Of The Parchment" 7. "A Few Of My Favorite Subpoenas" 6. "From Gennifer to Paula to Monica: Why It Pays To Keep Lowering Your Standards" 5. "1995-1998: The Extra-Pasty Years" 4. "Kneel To The Chief" 3. "What's The Deal With That Moron You Guys Replaced Me With?" 2. "NAFTA -- Bringing America Into... Ah Screw That, Who Wants To Read Some More About Bubba Gettin' Down?" 1. "The Night I Accidentally Slept With Hillary"

Top Ten Way Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 67th Birthday - April 28, 2004

10. Entertained by stripper dressed as U.N. inspector 9. Visits from wives 1, 3 and 12 and Sean Penn 8. Arranged fleas on his chest to form number "67" 7. Thanked Allah he wasn't drafted by the San Diego Chargers 6. Wondered why Uday and Qusay haven't called 5. Spent a little time in the "spider-hole," if you know what I mean 4. Folded old death warrants into festive birthday hats 3. Cellmate popped out of giant falafel 2. Realized he's one year closer to going to hell 1. Pretty much just sat there

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Hooters - April 29, 2004

10. "Hi, I'm Tammi, I'll be your waitress" 9. "Wanna lick my mustache? It's hot and spicy" 8. "Don't worry, your waitress is taking a load of Penicillin. I'm sure she's not contagious" 7. "You ordered the Raccoon, right?" 6. "See if you can tell which one on of these I sneezed on" 5. "You better give me a good tip or I'll break your legs" 4. "Here's your chicken fingers, and here's your lipitor" 3. "You look at my daughter again and I'll deep fry your face" 2. "Hey for $10 you can see me in one of these outfits" 1. "Here's your wet nap"

Top Ten Reasons I Didn't Win "Survivor" presented by Shii Ann Huang - May 04, 2004

10. It's rigged worse than wrasslin'. 9. Spent too much time practicing for the evening gown portion. 8. I took an unorthodox approach to the game -- I sat in my hut eating Kit Kats. 7. The only alliance I formed was with my imaginary friend Larry. 6. That bitchy British judge hated me. 5. My strategy involved trying to be fatter and more naked than the fat naked guy. 4. Wanted to get back to New York to see the Knicks' playoff run. 3. I kept turning down Jeff Probst's "Reward Challenges." 2. I had to go home early after Billy Joel crashed into my house. 1. Outwit, outlast, and outplay? I sucked at all three.

Top Ten Perks Of Being The Oldest Woman In The World - May 06, 2004

10. You can suck at golf and shoot your age. 9. All you have to do is wake up in the morning and people are impressed. 8. Unlikely anyone will say, "Could you give me a hand moving this couch?" 7. If you work out, eat right and moisturize, you can pass for 110. 6. That bitch that stole your high school boyfriend? Dead. 5. Your "American Idol" vote counts double. 4. Nobody expects you to understand that Snoop Dogg "izzle" talk. 3. It's flattering to be asked out by Ashton Kutcher. 2. Can get fall-down drunk and everyone thinks it's the medication. 1. The sex has never been better.

Top Ten Pieces Of Advice I Gave My Celebrity Child - May 07, 2004

10. Lance Armstrong's Mom: "That whole 'win the Tour De France five years in a row' thing? My idea." 9. Stephon Marbury's Mom: "No rice pudding until you perfect the crossover dribble." 8. Liv Tyler's Mom: "Remember to moisturize so you don't end up looking like Letterman." 7. Avril Lavigne's Mom: "Use your music industry clout to make DCs easier to open." 6. Jimmy Fallon's Mom: "Wash your hands after being near that Paris Hilton" 5. Carson Daly's Mom: "Carson, why be a doctor? Be a veejay on MTV." 4. Tyra Banks' Mom: "Stay away from that Donald Trump." 3. Julia Robert's Mom: "Save your money, honey, because trust me, beauty fades." 2. Beyonce's Mom: "If you wanna be famous, work hard, stay in school, and be really, really hot." 1. David Letterman's Mom: "Don't tell people you're my son."

Top Ten Ways Dumb Guys Would Lower Gas Prices - May 11, 2004

10. Sell gas by the half-gallon. 9. Sneak up to gas stations in the middle of the night and switch the price numbers. 8. Cut out that expensive ingredient that gives it that delicious gas smell. 7. Forget OPEC, start getting oil from Wal-Mart. 6. Step one: Oprah buys all the gas. Step 2: Oprah gives the gas away. 5. Build time machine, drive back to 1965 when gas was cheap. 4. Fill car with root beer. Cars won't know no better. 3. Release the recipe so people can make their own. 2. Drive really fast so you're not driving so long. 1. Invade Iraq.

Top Ten Perks Of Being An Olympic Athlete - May 13, 2004

10. "Win the Gymnastics competition and you get to keep the Pommel Horse." 9. "After the closing ceremonies, I can let myself go for the next three-and-half-years." 8. "Serving as an ambassador of peace, spreading my harmony through the use of strangleholds." 7. "When we arrive in Greece, we get to help them build stadiums." 6. "It's fun to watch the the bellboy try to lift my bags." 5. "Every four years, people briefly pay attention to me -- kind of like Ralph Nader." 4. "Free admission to Olympia Dukakis movies." 3. "Having your life story turned into a melodramatic montage narrated by Bob Costas." 2. "I get to beat people up in a different country for a change." 1. "Let's just say you can't be the next 'American Idol' without our approval."

Top Ten Good Things About Working At 4 a.m. - May 14, 2004

10. A sanitation employee: "When no one's on the roads, I can open this baby up to 15 miles per hour." 9. A waitress: "Customers are so groggy they don't notice when I charge them forty bucks for a B.L.T." 8. A security guard: "Who else gets to go to happy hour at noon?" 7. A doorman: "Sometimes real late at night, the door starts talking to me." 6. A hospital nurse: "If I get sleepy, I can sneak a nap in the M.R.I. machine." 5. A custodian: "Nothing." 4. A bartender: "What could be more pleasant than being surrounded by sweaty, angry drunks?" 3. A tow truck operator: "Get to meet interesting people like Billy Joel." 2. An exotic dancer: "By the time I get to work, the pole is nice and warm." 1. A taxi driver: "Most nights looking in the rearview mirror is like watching a dirty movie."

Top Ten Rocketman Pickup Lines - May 17, 2004

10. "May I enter your airspace?" 9. "You smell marvelous - - What kind of liquid propellant are you wearing?" 8. "I'm experiencing substantial lift in my pants" 7. "This rocket belt would look great on the floor of your bedroom" 6. "Want to join the 800-foot-high club?" 5. "I couldn't help noticing earlier that the top of your head is very beautiful" 4. "You know, the nickname 'Rocketman' has nothing to do with this rocket belt" 3. "Wanna thrust" 2. "As a Guinness record holder, I could introduce you to that guy with the beard of bees" 1. "I can stay up for hours"

Top Ten Signs Your Television Show Won't Be On The Fall Schedule - May 18, 2004

10. It's a wacky workplace comedy set at Abu Ghraib prison. 9. Combines the hilarity of "Yes, Dear" with the excitement of The Weather Channel. 8. When you call the network to ask about it, all you get is hysterical laughter. 7. Opening credits: 29 minutes. Show: 1 minute. 6. The video tape you handed in wasn't your pilot episode, it was the sex tape you made with your wife. 5. The show is about a non-talking dog. 4. It's written in the nearly extinct yamana language of Chile. 3. You get the sense critics don't like it because one of them just took a leak on your car. 2. Donald Trump hangs out not firing people. 1. Legally, it can only air in Massachusetts.

Top Ten Cool Things About Pitching A Perfect Game presented by Randy Johnson - May 19, 2004

10. "After this, I can go 0-15 for the year and honestly not give a crap" 9. "My pre-game dinner at Denny's tonight? On the house!" 8. "Shows everyone that even though I'm 40, I can still...I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought" 7. "Cool to get congratulatory call from the President, even though he kept calling me "Larry" 6. "Can walk up to guys who've thrown no-hitters and whisper, "Loser" 5. "All the pine tar I can eat!" 4. "Your catcher hugs you and it feels kinda...nice" 3. "Maybe people will finally forget about the time I killed that bird" 2. "It's just one more thing about me that's perfect, am I right, ladies?" 1. "George Steinbrenner just offered me a billion dollars to sign with the Yankees"

Top Ten Questions On The John Kerry Running Mate Application - May 20, 2004

10. Do you support both sides of every issue? 9. Excluding horse, what animal do I most resemble? 8. Mind if I pretend you're John McCain? 7. Are you related to any Governors who can help rig an election? 6. In the Vice Presidential debate, will you make Cheney your bitch? 5. You're not going to trick me into starting a war to help out your oil buddies, are you? 4. Which trait do you find more inspirational: My dour blandness or my smug arrogance? 3. If chosen, would you be willing to change your name to Kenny? 2. Any black market Botox Connections? 1. Do you have my back if I pull a 'Clinton'?

Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through My Mind At The Daytime Emmy Awards presented by Dr. Phil - May 21, 2004

10. "It's an honor to be surrounded by so many talented people I've never heard of before" 9. "If I play my cards right, I really think I have a shot with that Ellen Degeneres" 8. "Alex Trebek's always good about sneaking in booze" 7. "On each ticket, there's a coupon for 50 cents off Taco Bell Nachos Grande" 6. "Because deep down, I crave validation from others as a substitute for the affection that was denied me as a child - - or some psycho babble like that" 5. "Just can't get enough of Bob Barker's hilarious neutering stories" 4. "Getting dressed up makes me feel...pretty" 3. "As someone who studies bizarre behavior, hanging around soap opera actors is like being in a candy store" 2. "I just love being on TV, dammit" 1. "Me: Three Emmy nominations. Freud: Zero Emmy nominations, know what I'm saying?"

Top Ten Things Never Before Said on "The Sopranos" - May 24, 2004

10. "You don't have any money? That's cool" (Dominic Chianese) 9. "Screw this home cooking -- I'm going to the Olive Garden" (Aida Turturro) 8. "In addition to disposing of bodies, you'll need to know how to use Powerpoint and Excel" (Steven Van Zandt) 7. "Wasn't that the guy from Springsteen's E Street Band?" (Robert Iler) 6. "I just hooked up an illegal cable box. Now I'm getting free HBO" (Jamie-Lynn Discala) 5. "Tony, I'm gonna need to leave early today for Rosh Hashanah" (Tony Sirico) 4. "I want a bigger part -- what are you gonna do, kill my character?" (Drea de Matteo) 3. "Hey Paulie, how about you and me going up to Massachusetts and getting married?" (Michael Imperioli) 2. "I can't go to prison -- Martha Stewart will eat me alive!" (Edie Falco) 1. "I just whacked myself" (James Gandolfini)

Top Ten Signs Your Team Is Not Going To Win The NBA Finals - May 25, 2004

10. "Owner won't pay for team to travel to away games" (Oscar Robertson) 9. "Coach used time-out to go get Spike Lee's autograph" (Robert Parish) 8. "Your teammate spends whole game guarding the ref" (Rick Barry) 7. "Power forward has been out two months with the hiccups" (George Gervin) 6. "During the season, you lost to the Lakers and the Laker Girls" (Willis Reed) 5. "Your team logo is a guy asleep in a hammock" (Walt Frazier) 4. "Much of the 24 seconds is spent on uncontrollable sobbing" (Clyde "The Glide" Drexler) 3. "No one can dunk without using a stepladder" (Bill Walton) 2. "Your best player is named Shaquille Wasserstein" (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) 1. "Many nights you have more groin pulls than points" (Bill Russell)

Top Ten Questions I Asked Myself Before Casting My "American Idol" Vote - May 26, 2004

10. "Is this really the best way for a 57-year-old man to be spending his time?" 9. "Will I have the courage to speak if Paula answers the phone?" 8. "If I can call my TV, can I also call my toaster?" 7. "How much longer will my heart be able to stand this excitement?" 6. "Is it wrong to vote for Fantasia simply because that's my middle name?" 5. "What would Jesus do?" 4. "Have I finally hit rock bottom?" 3. "Do I really want to risk the same heartbreak I suffered when Clay lost?" 2. "Why does my phone smell like baked beans?" 1. "Would I vote differently if I were sober?"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A Gas Station - May 27, 2004

10. "You're filled up. That'll be 600 bucks" 9. "Maybe it's the gas fumes talking, but you're kinda hot" 8. "I forgot if this is premium or regular" (drinks) "Regular" 7. "For an extra ten bucks, I'll pump your gas without pants" 6. "Hope you don't mind - - I just put an Al-Qaeda bumper sticker on your car" 5. "Take me to Mexico and don't ask any questions" 4. "We were out of gas so I filled you up with coffee" 3. "You know, you got a bike messenger wedged in your front grill" 2. "Good luck figuring out what I did to your engine" 1. "I checked your fluids. Now you check mine"

Top Ten Things Overheard At Jennifer Lopez's Wedding - June 7, 2004

10. Do you, Jennifer Lopez, take...I'm sorry, which one are you again? 9. We're gathered here today because Jennifer Lopez is apparently trying to break some sort of record 8. Her ass looked like the ass of a princess 7. You may now divorce the bride 6. Even the minister is rolling his eyes 5. I always cry at Jennifer Lopez's weddings 4. Wow, season one of 'Sanford and Son' on DVD! What a thoughtful gift, Dave! 3. This was fun - - see you at her next one 2. Hey, small world - - I'm a divorce lawyer, too 1. Honey, why does the cake read 'Ben'?

Top Ten Things New Yorkers Can Do To Reduce Noise - June 8, 2004

10. If you plan a drive-by shooting, you must use a silencer 9. Don't scream because you see a rat; only scream if a rat bites you 8. If you see someone with the hiccups, kill 'em 7. Use gentle whisper when telling someone to go screw themselves 6. Check into a hotel instead of having sex in the alley 5. Elect a mayor who'll let people smoke indoors again 4. Tell construction workers, "Turn off that damn jackhammer!" 3. Quietly remove jackhammer from your ass 2. Fewer angry beatings - - more stabbings 1. Put Regis on decaf

Top Ten Signs The Actor Playing Harry Potter Is Too Old - June 10, 2004

10. Uses magic spell to convince store clerk to sell him beef and cigarettes 9. Character's trademark lightning-bolt scar is now obscured by liver spots 8. He flies around on a magic walker 7. New movie includes several scenes of Harry shouting at neighborhood kids to get off his lawn 6. Title of his next movie: "Harry Potter and the quest to see Cameron Diaz naked" 5. Harry won't shut up about how baseball hasn't been the same since the Dodgers left Brooklyn 4. Demi Moore has stopped visiting the set 3. He's the new spokesman for lipitor 2. 70 percent of his lines - - "What'd you say?" 1. He's often mistaken for Letterman

Top Ten Things Going Through Former President Bush's Mind At This Moment (Skydiving) - June 14, 2004

10. "I'm falling faster than my son's approval rating" 9. "Hey, who's that white-haired dude waving at me? Oh, it's Barbara" 8. "Would it be unpresidential to urp on 350 people?" 7. "I feel like I'm 75 again" 6. "I thought this kind of thing was only allowed in Massachusetts" 5. "How can I break it to George that I'm voting for Kerry?" 4. "I don't remember having so much jowl resistance last time" 3. "If this doesn't impress Carmen Electra, I give up" 2. "Read my lips: Holy crap, I'm gonna die" 1. "It's a good thing I'm drunk"

Top Ten Real Reasons John Kerry Is Running For President - June 15, 2004

10. To bring renewed tedium and uncertainty to the Democratic party 9. Vows to be the greatest horse-faced President since Polk 8. Couldn't live with himself if he didn't hold a higher office than Schwarzenegger 7. Needs an excuse to get out of a wedding in February 6. Get elected, eat a ton of waffles, become the fattest President 5. Long days on the campaign trail beats sitting around being nagged by the wife to put away the socks 4. An unusually persuasive horoscope told him he should 3. Did you know if the President kills some guy in a bar fight the FBI will make it cool? 2. A leader who supports both sides of every issue is a friend to all Americans 1. Show the world not all Democrats are ass-grabbing womanizers

Top Ten Los Angeles Lakers' Explanations - June 16, 2004

10. Many players missed games 1 and 5 to attend Jennifer Lopez weddings 9. All of Phil Jackson's zen talk made us sleepy 8. Never should've gone with game plan prepared by Donald Rumsfeld 7. What's the big deal? It's best of 9, right? 6. Shaq had trouble catching the ball and holding on to the Chalupa 5. Isn't it obvious? Al Qaeda! 4. For some reason, these past few months Kobe seemed distracted 3. No trophy means no hassle at airport security 2. Been very busy planning the June 30th handover of Iraqi Sovereignty 1. Hard to shoot over Ben Wallace's Hair

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Cicada - June 17, 2004

10. "Give me 10 bucks or I'll suck out your fluids and leave a dry husk" 9. "Any idea where I can find a hooker with 6 legs?" 8. "I'd flee the city if I were you - - several billion of me are gonna be here in 20 minutes" 7. "You wouldn't believe what I can do with these extra arms" 6. "If you see that guy from Terminex, tell him I'm gonna make him my bitch" 5. "Stop staring at my thorax" 4. "I'm starting to think the witness protection program people don't know what they're doing" 3. "My exoskeleton would look really good on your bedroom floor" 2. "Hey, you're the dude who tried to kill me with a shoe 17 years ago" 1. "Nice cicadas"

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Ken Griffey Jr.'s Mind As He Hit His 500th Home Run presented by Ken Griffey, Jr. - June 22, 2004

10. "500 home runs! That entitles me to one free pizza at any participating Pizza Hut" 9. "I owe it all to Dr. Phil" 8. "This is the time to debut my pantsless home run trot" 7. "Maybe this'll help me land an invitation to commissioner Selig's Fourth of July party" 6. "I'm five percent of the way to 10,000 home runs!" 5. "Now I've gotta go on Ebay to buy the ball back" 4. "What a coincidence - - today's also the 500th time I took a leak in Sean Casey's locker" 3. "Maybe with this I'll be named Cincinnati Reds Employee of the Week" 2. "C'mon, hurry up! I wanna make the 7:20 showing of 'Dodgeball'" 1. "Anyone dumps Gatorade on me, I'm gonna pound 'em with a fungo bat"

Top Ten Things Overheard In Line At The Clinton Book Signing - June 23, 2004

10. I've never been to a book signing at hooters before 9. Hey Gore, bring up some more books from the basement 8. Mr. President, do you know that woman under the table? 7. Could you make it out to Gennifer with a 'G'? 6. Look, Ken Starr...nah, I'm just messin' with you 5. This long line is the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy 4. Those aren't secret service agents - - those are Hillary's people keeping an eye on him 3. He's a lot more bubbaish in person 2. How come they're moving all the good-looking women to the front of the line? 1. I just pray he signs it with a pen

Top Ten Questions Ralph Nader Asked Potential Running Mates - June 25, 2004

10. Are you here because you lost a bet? 9. If I pick you, do you promise to vote for us? 8. In case anybody asks, can you think of a reason I'm running? 7. Are you sure you won't be intimidated by my dazzling charisma? 6. Wanna drop out of the race and go to Massachusetts to get hitched? 5. Is it okay if I pay you in grocery coupons? 4. Isn't this a step down for you, Mr. Gore? 3. Do you get nervous speaking in front of groups of 8 to 12 people? 2. Are you comfortable being the answer to a trivial pursuit question? 1. What's it like to be with a woman?

Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About "Fahrenheit 9/11" - June 29, 2004

10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing 9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election 8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words 7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported 6. Didn't have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger 5. Of all Michael Moore's accusations, only 97% are true 4. Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe 3. Where the hell was Spider-man? 2. Couldn't hear most of the movie over Cheney's foul mouth 1. I thought this was supposed to be about Dodgeball

Top Ten Things Every New York City Tourist Needs To Know - June 30, 2004

10. If your car is towed, it's cheaper to buy a brand-new one than to pay the fines 9. Leave one relative back home to carry on the family name 8. You wouldn't believe how friendly some of the men are in Greenwich Village 7. A cab from JFK to midtown should run you about $600 6. You can economize on hookers by purchasing the weekly pass 5. Apparently the new "Spider-Man 2" movie is out on video already 4. Learn these four words: 'I didn't see nuthin' 3. The police get very angry when they catch you having sex in their squad car 2. Don't put Ben-Gay on gunshot wounds 1. If you smoke in a bar Mayor Bloomberg will kick you in the nuts

Top Ten Things Overheard At Saddam Hussein's Court Appearance - July 1, 2004

10. If the mustache don't fit, you must acquit 9. Rather than 'murderous dictator, ' I'd prefer 'genocidal maniac' 8. Is it me or is Saddam just the most adorable thing you've ever seen? 7. He's obviously had a queer makeover 6. If you wanted a lawyer, Mr. Hussein, maybe you should've thought about that before you had them all killed 5. You think prison scares me? I lived in a damn spider-hole 4. I'll be released as soon as Kerry takes over 3. Wow, Saddam sort of looks like Robert Wagner 2. Saddam is the most evil man the world has ever known - - not counting Dick Cheney 1. That's cute - - out of habit, Courtney Love showed up

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Fat Spider-Man - July 2, 2004

10. "Got any talc? I'm chafing like a son-of-a-bitch in this thing" 9. "My spider-sense is tingling - - no, wait, I think it's a stroke" 8. "If I climb that wall, do you promise not to stare at my gigantic ass?" 7. "Thank god the Superhero League dropped the physical fitness requirements" 6. "I'm part spider, but I'm all man where it counts" 5. "Some bug bites me, next thing I know I'm a fat piece of crap" 4. "If you're in trouble, come find me at Pizza Hut" 3. "Hey, you see a fat Wonder Woman around here?" 2. "I'd gladly trade my superpowers for some self-control at the buffet" 1. "You didn't hear it from me, but Aquaman's gay"

Top Ten Ways To Irritate Alex Trebek presented by "Jeopardy" Champion Ken Jennings - July 12, 2004

10. "Ask him on air, 'So who did your Botox?'" 9. "Instead of responding, get his attention by throwing nickels at his head" 8. "Buzz in without using your hands" 7. "Give Courtney Love directions to his house" 6. "Whenever he says the word 'potpourri,' you mumble, 'Woman'" 5. "Tell him he's no Wink Martindale" 4. "Remind him that although he's a naturalized citizen, he'll always be a product of the evil Canadian empire" 3. "Complain that he's not nearly as Trebek-y in person" 2. "Your only response: 'Who gives a rat's ass?'" 1. "Insist on buying a vowel"

Top Ten Ways To Make The All-Star Game More Exciting - July 14, 2004

10. Replace "take me out to the ballgame" with 50 cent's "what up gangsta" 9. Just a thought, but when Saddam's soccer team lost, he'd execute 'em 8. Two words: monkey umpires 7. Losing players spend remainder of the year making seven bucks an hour 6. Nine starters, eight uniforms 5. Seventh inning players' wife-swap 4. One lucky ticket-holder gets to manage the Expos in 2005 3. Between innings, Pete Rose plays keno 2. Allow top hitters to use performance-enhancing supplements...oh wait, they already do that 1. Losing pitcher has to give rubdown to a naked Bud Selig

Top Ten Signs Bush Might Be Getting Ready To Dump Cheney - July 15, 2004

10. Cheney's official white house parking space is now in West Virginia 9. Latest bumper stickers read: "vote for Bush and (to be determined)" 8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket 7. Cheney's been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings 6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed 5. Cheney's new I.D. card reads "valid through next Tuesday" 4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney's undisclosed location 3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, "boo!" 2. As with all major decisions, he's asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President 1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle's number

Top Ten Things Yelled By Dumb Guys While Watching "I, Robot" - July 19, 2004

10. Try tickling them - - maybe robots is ticklish 9. Don't kill the fresh prince! Take me instead! 8. Who needs popcorn? The butter's good by itself 7. Come on, get to the hot robot lovin' 6. Isn't this 'I, Spider-man'? 5. Rumor has it, later the robot has sex with the pie 4. I believe grammatically it should be 'me, robot' 3. I hear this is based on the novel by Isaac Asimov's robot 2. I think some of them robots is on robo-steroids 1. Let Cheney run the country, I'm watching the movie!

Top Ten Perks Of Winning The British Open presented by Todd Hamilton - July 20, 2004

10. "Everywhere I go, I'm recognized by middle-aged fat guys" 9. "Whenever Tiger Woods and about a dozen other guys turn down an endorsement deal, I get the call" 8. "Claret Jug is full of Sambuca" 7. "Get to appear on MTV's 'Pimp My Cart'" 6. "If you beat your caddie with a pitching wedge, the PGA looks the other way" 5. "President Bush called me - - he kept calling me Ernie, but it was still nice" 4. "Certain my boyhood home in Oquawka, Illinois will soon become the #1 tourist spot in America" 3. "You become a household name like past winners David Brown and George Duncan" 2. "For the next week only, Big Ben will be renamed 'Big Todd'" 1. "I've been filling up some divots, if you know what I mean"

Top Ten Ways I, P. Diddy, Am Getting People To Vote - July 21, 2004

10. "To make voting hip, we're putting velvet ropes and bouncers outside the voting booths" 9. "I asked the CIA to fabricate some convincing data I can use" 8. "Register today and receive a complimentary decanter of courvosier" 7. "I will personally pimp out each candidates campaign bus" 6. "In general, just trying to make the whole voting process more Diddy-ish" 5. "To show people how easy it is, this November I'll be voting several times" 4. "Anyone who doesn't register to vote will receive nude photos of Ralph Nader" 3. "Remember 'Hands Across America'? Yeah, well, we ain't doin' that" 2. "I'm designing a line of super-stylish voting pants" 1. "On the ballots the candidates will be listed as P. Kerry and George Diddy Bush"

Top Ten Signs Lance Armstrong Is Getting Cocky - July 22, 2004

10. Race starts at 9, Lance rolls out of bed around noon 9. Has already figured out that the trophy can hold a 3-gallon margarita 8. He eats frosting by the fistful 7. For the last leg, he rode one of those crazy 1920s bikes with the big front wheel 6. Deliberately crashing into things to get more air time on sportscenter 5. Making a couple extra bucks delivering pizzas during the race 4. After the starter pistol is fired, he hangs around hitting on french babes 3. Turns to the other riders and says, "oooh, I'm sooooo scared" 2. Instead of training, spent last 2 months pimping his bike 1. Has started selling ad space on his ass

Top Ten Ways Bill Clinton Can Sell More Books - July 23, 2004

10. Two millionth copy sold will contain a free commemorative subpoena 9. Smaller words and pictures so current presidents can read it 8. Try to work in some crap about Da Vinci and his codes 7. Just admit that a good 85% of it is lies 6. Cut the chapter analyzing the white castle menu 5. Focus more on Clinton's alter-ego, the meek young student who's bitten by a radioactive spider 4. Ask Al Gore to talk it up at the Barnes and Noble where he works 3. Maybe release another version that's 700 pages shorter 2. Hilarious Mad magazine-like fold-in that turns Hillary into Paula Jones 1. Add visual aids to the Monica section

Top Ten Signs Your Convention Speech Is Boring - July 26, 2004

10. You begin by thanking all 4,353 delegates by name 9. Your only applause comes when your microphone stops working 8. You've got the coveted 5:30am slot 7. Halfway through the speech, workmen begin dismantling the podium 6. You tried to punch it up by asking Joe Lieberman for some of his priceless quips 5. Every other sentence begins with "So anyway..." 4. The ghost of Harry Truman is giving you the "wrap it up" signal 3. Networks cut away to live coverage of delegates smoking on the sidewalk 2. Teresa Heinz Kerry gets a standing ovation when she tells you to "shove it" 1. You're described as a duller Al Gore

Top Ten Things Overheard During Teresa Heinz Kerry's Speech - July 28, 2004

10. I'm feeling 57 varieties of boredom 9. She's opinionated, loud and rude - - sort of like a female Dick Cheney 8. The accent's pretty thick, but her english is still better than Bush's 7. Thank God the networks decided not to broadcast this 6. Pretty impressive - - she can spew obscenities in several languages 5. You know what's good? That Heinz gravy 4. Can someone ask Michael Moore to eat his doritos more quietly? 3. After the speech, I hear she's going to be out in the parking lot rasslin' reporters 2. Ten bucks says Bush will have her deported by September 1. Hey, that's the bitch who told me to shove it

Top Ten Ways John Kerry Celebrated Winning The Democratic Nomination - July 29, 2004

10. Got big "nominee" tatoo on his ass 9. Everywhere he went he'd shout, "democratic nominizzle in the hizzouse" 8. A little flippin', a little floppin' 7. Wore something special under his suit to make him feel "pretty" 6. Hung out with Bill Clinton and 30 coeds from the University of Massachusetts 5. Joined former democratic rivals to feast on the spit-roasted carcass of Dennis Kucinich 4. Received engraved watch from Edwards; out of habit, threw it away 3. While taking congratulatory phone call from Bush, got to hear president crash his bike again 2. Botox til he couldn't see straight 1. "Caucused" with Teresa, twice

Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard Is Nuts - July 30, 2004

10. Because of paperwork, his rescues generally take 3 to 5 business days 9. That white stuff on his nose? Ranch dressing 8. When waves destroy a sand castle, frantically searches for tiny people 7. If swimmers go out too far, gets their attention by firing a spear-gun at them 6. When sitting in the lifeguard stand, insists on wearing a bib 5. Will only come to the rescue of people named "Larry" 4. Has a paralyzing fear of terry cloth 3. He's engaged to his whistle 2. Last week someone needed assistance and he said, "Ah screw it - - let Aquaman take this one" 1. Keeps trying to give himself CPR

Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Hot - August 2, 2004

10. It's so hot, Tom Ridge had raised the terror alert to "Sticky" 9. It's so hot, drug dealers are selling something called "Iced Crackuccino" 8. It's so hot, Michael Moore's making a new movie, "Fahrenheit 98 and Humid" 7. It's so hot, Randy Johnson is demanding a trade to Montreal 6. It's so hot, Jennifer Lopez just got engaged to Mister Softee 5. It's so hot, delicious hot pockets are now simply referred to as "pockets" 4. It's so hot, Martha Stewart just got an inside tip on air conditioners 3. It's so hot, even Ralph Nader's campaign is showing traces of heat 2. It's so hot, Courtney Love has an excuse for being disoriented and unintelligible 1. It's so hot, hookers are charging 50 dollars just to blow on you

Top Ten Signs Tom Ridge Needs A Vacation - August 4, 2004

10. Rides around in a chariot pulled by bomb-sniffing dogs 9. Recently announced, "We must destroy Norway before Norway destroys us" 8. Has started posting nude photos of himself on the homeland security website 7. Wore mickey mouse ears to press conference and screamed, "I can't go to Disneyworld 'cuz of the stupid terrorists!" 6. Blew off terrorist briefing to see "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" 5. Wears slacks that match the color of the current terror alert 4. Before making important decisions, asks self, "What would Courtney Love do?" 3. Issues separate terror warnings for squirrels 2. Stands outside White House all day screaming, "Condolezza!!!!!!" 1. Yesterday had lunch with Osama - - completely forgot to call the cops

Top Ten Signs Athens Isn't Ready For The Olympics - August 5, 2004

10. Organizers lobbying for new event: Yelling at contractor to hurry the hell up 9. Committee still hasn't selected really gay theme for opening ceremonies 8. Makeshift olympic symbol made of five interlocking poppy seed bagels 7. Yesterday, Athens' mayor said, "Wait, we're hosting the Olympics?" 6. Thanks to mailroom blunder, all the steroids were shipped to crete 5. Builders brought only one hammer and a box of wood screws 4. Olympic visitors center to be ready in early 2006 3. The athletes have to share a gyro 2. All the "Greece" signs have a photo of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John 1. "Olympic Stadium" just a bunch of lawn chairs in an Applebee's parking lot

Top Ten Reasons I, Marion Jones, Love the Olympics - August 23, 2004

10. The pillows in the Athens hotel rooms smell like gyro meat. 9. Once I found a comb someone had lost in the long jump pit. 8. I had a chance to meet Danish badminton champ, Camilla Martin. 7. Put a gold medal in a change machine and you get like 20 bucks in quarters. 6. If you get nervous performing in front of big crowds, you won't have that problem here. 5. Ten percent discount on selected Olympus cameras. 4. Ralph Nader keeps begging me to be his running mate. 3. Free Javelins! 2. I can use the Olympic torch to light cigars. 1. I'll likely get to go to the White House and meet what's-his-name.

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Gold Medal In Olympic Softball - August 24, 2004

10. Your religion forbids you from hitting anything with a bat. 9. You could hit .400 and still not be hitting your weight. 8. Only three players show up for the final game because Oprah is on. 7. Because of travel agent, the earliest you can get to Greece is November. 6. Your starting lineup includes six players from the Montreal Expos. 5. Every time there's a pop-up, outfielder yells, "Run for your lives!" 4. Your starting shortstop: the frozen head of Ted Williams. 3. Won't go to third base because you're "just not that kind of girl." 2. Your pitcher leaves in the fifth inning to "beat the traffic." 1. You got nine players, one uniform.

Top Ten Questions on the Osama Bin Laden Driver Application - August 25, 2004

10. Can you parallel-park a camel? 9. If two car bombers reach a four-way intersection at the same time, who detonates first? 8. Will you allow Osama to sit on your lap and steer? 7. You know you probably won't be around to redeem your 401(K) right? 6. When getting the car serviced, will you demand genuine GM parts? 5. Do you require a separate air bag for your beard? 4. Do you swear you're not working for the CIA? 3. At a four-way intersection, would you yield to an infidel? 2. Do you know how to say, "Hey goats--out of the road!" in Pashtun? 1. How long have you been driving a New York City taxi?

Top Ten Ways New York City is Preparing for the Republican National Convention - August 26, 2004

10. Special group rate on rental cars for all the visiting terrorists 9. To meet increased demand, extra muggers being dispatched to midtown. 8. Seventh avenue sidewalks have been closed to taxi traffic. 7. Neckline being raised on Statue of Liberty's robe to John Ashcrofts's specifications. 6. Hello Deli changing price of grilled cheese sandwich from twelve dollars to seventeen dollars. 5. Three words: Bomb sniffing rats. 4. City has suspended alternate side of the street hooker rules. 3. At President Bush's request, the Empire State Building is on "King Kong Alert." 2. While Cheney is in town, Waldorf-Astoria sign changed to read "undisclosed location hotel." 1. Bill Clinton is showing up to the convention just to get patted down.

Top Ten Ways to Make the Olympics More Fun - August 27, 2004

10. Gymnasts allowed to smoke during floor exercises. (Tara Kirk) 9. Require Dutch track and field team to wear wooden shoes. (Lindsey Benko) 8. Replace pommel horse with real horse. (Rulon Gardner) 7. Long jump, followed by high jump, followed by wide jump. (Ali Cox) 6. Try to make every event a little bit more like Yahtzee. (Patricia Miranda) 5. High dive tank full of sharks. (Pete Chipaloni) 4. Looser slots at Olympic Village. (Susan Williams) 3. Instead of National Anthem, play something by Usher. (Maurice Greene) 2. We got badminton - What could be more fun than that? (Sarah McMann) 1. Two words: Nude fencing. (Gary Hall)

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I've Won A Gold Medal - August 31, 2004

10. "Thinking soccer ball was Letterman's head made it more fun to kick." Heather O'Reilly 9. "I'm saving on my gold medal insurance thanks to Geico!" Lindsay Tarpley 8. "Now that the Olympics are over, it will be fun to use our hands again." Cat Reddick 7. "I swiped a couple of miniature bottles of shampoo from the Athens Marriott." Brianna Scurry 6. "We tested positive for being 18 really hot soccer babes." Abby Wambach 5. "I regularly go to McDonald's to satisfy my Olympic-sized appetite. I just made $10,000 for saying that." Kristine Lilly 4. "It was such an honor to play in front of dozens and dozens of crazed fans." Joy Fawcett 3. "Thank goodness I won this thing - on the way to the theater my medal stopped two bullets." Julie Foudy 2. "I'm pleased to announce that I'm now Mrs. Bob Costas." Brandi Chastain 1. "It's pretty clear who wears the pants in the faminly now, huh Nomar?" Mia Hamm

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Had A Bad First Day At School - September 7, 2004

10. Already voted "Least Likely to Succeed." 9. His class schedule includes daily beatings from bullies, teachers, and the custodial staff. 8. Lunch was whatever he could scrape off the bottom of his desk. 7. His school bus driver made him ride on the outside of the bus. 6. Got tackled twice in gym class--three times in algebra. 5. He comes home pledging loyalty to fearless leader Kim Jong-Il 4. When you ask how his day went he tells you to direct all further questions to his attorney. 3. Homework on the first day: try not to be such a loser. 2. You know the kid everyone picks on? He got picked on by that kid. 1. Your last name is McGreevey.

Top Ten Ways CBS News Can Improve Its Reputation - September 22, 2004

10. Stick to stories everyone can agree on, like cookies are delicious. 9. Move nightly "happy hour" to after the broadcast. 8. Stop hiring guys with crazy names like "Morley." 7. Can't figure out if a news story is true? Let Judge Joe Brown decide. 6. Every time Mike Wallace tells a lie he gets a life-threatening electrical shock. 5. Newsroom patrolled by some kind of lovable but strict "truth monkey." 4. If it turns out the story is wrong, give away 276 brand new cars. 3. After delivering a report, correspondent must add, "Or maybe not--who knows?" 2. Newscast consists of Dan Rather sitting down to watch Tom Brokaw. 1. Oh, I dunno, stop making up crap?

Top Ten Messages Left on Cat Stevens' Answering Machine - September 23, 2004

10. "We at Iraqi Airlines heard what happened, so we'd like to offer you 20,000 frequent-fatwa miles." 9. "I've been waiting to pick you up at Dulles for three days. Where you at?" 8. "Hi, this is Hall and Oates. How can we go about joining Al-Qaeda?" 7. "It's Johnnie Cochran. Without a trial in court, you must not deport. Call me." 6. "I'm calling from CBS News to confirm reports of a cat that can fly a plane." 5. "It's Britney. Sorry you couldn't make it to my fake wedding." 4. "I must have the wrong number--I was looking for Steven Katz." 3. "Dude, It's Osama. I have an extra ticket to see James Taylor. You in?" 2. "It's Casey Kasem. Good news! You're on the Jihad Top 100." 1. "It's Sean Penn and Michael Moore. Wanna triple date with the Dixie Chicks?"

Top Ten Things I Hope to Accomplish as Miss America - September 24, 2004

10. Foster international peace and harmony while looking totally hot. 9. Blow scholarship money on beer and fireworks. 8. Always been my dream to be invited to a mall opening in Syosett. 7. Get Oprah to give a car to every United States citizen. 6. Give men all accross the country a chance to shake hands with a woman they have absolutely no chance of dating. 5. Pry some of the jewels out of my crown and sell them on ebay. 4. Actually, I plan to spend the year on my couch eating Pringles and watching NASCAR. 3. Fulfill my Miss America obligations without missing a single episode of the new season of "JAG". 2. Well I hear there's an opening at Martha Stewart's company. 1. How could any accomplishment beat reading ten lame jokes on a third-rate talk show?

Top Ten George W. Bush Debate Strategies - September 27, 2004

10. Ask the question, "We've never had a horse-faced president so why start now?" 9. Instead of witty retorts, have secret service wrestle Senator Kerry to the ground. 8. Use Kerry's long-winded answers to take much needed bathroom breaks. 7. Hope one of them hurricanes cancels the debate. 6. Instead of water, fill Kerry's mug with Red Bull and vodka. 5. Find time to work in joke prop--giant waffle. 4. Moving his lips to pretend microphone isn't working. 3. Handle it same way he handled national guard duty--don't show up. 2. If Kerry makes a good point, distract him with some chaw spit in the eye. 1. Point out Senator Kerry's mispronunciation of the word "nucular."

Top Ten New York Yankees Strategies For Winning the World Series presented by Gary Sheffield - September 28, 2004

10. Blind opponents with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings. 9. Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Cal Tech, Mickey Mantle will be playing centerfield. 8. We added a home run-hitting kangaroo and there ain't a thing anyone can do about it. 7. Replace opponents' bats with hilarious novelty exploding bats. 6. Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man or some crap like that. 5. Can't think of a number 5 so check out these pythons, ladies. 4. Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series with Florida in '97--in the postseason, give 112%. 3. Hideki Matsui taught us some crazy Kung Fu. 2. Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to spend a little money on this team for once. 1. Hit a home run and Oprah buys you a new car.

Top Ten Possible Names For Donald Trump's New Cologne - September 28, 2004

10. Over De Comb 9. Damp Basement 8. Hey, You Smell Like a Raccoon! 7. Tramp 6. I Can't Believe It's Not Selling 5. Eau De Donald 4. Chapter Eleven For Men 3. Arrogance 2. What's That Crap You're Wearing? 1. You're Fragrant!

Top Ten Cool Things About Sharing A Cell With Martha Stewart - October 4, 2004

10. Instead of smelling like urine, cell now smells like urine and lilac. 9. Watching her start the day with 75 one-armed push-ups. 8. Much easier to conceal razor blades in handmade buckwheat pillows. 7. Nothing like homemade butterscotch cookies after a lice check. 6. Hearing the comical sounds Letterman makes during conjugal visits. 5. Says she's got a hot insider tip on how to get extra pudding in the mess hall. 4. Her experience throwing silverware at people makes her an asset in prison riots. 3. You get a huge boost in street cred by mastering tricky napkin folds. 2. Offered me 300 shares of stock in exchange for a pack of Winstons. 1. Amusing to hear Martha yell during shower fight, "It's not a good thing, bitch."

Top Ten Things Auto Racing Has Taught Me presented by Mario Andretti - October 5, 2004

10. How to take the Arby's drive-thru at 135 miles an hour. 9. Chicks can't resist a guy who smells like motor oil. 8. How many of you losers know what a wicker bill is? 7. You can go to some fancy racing school, but here's all you need to know--stand on it. 6. I'd trade everything for a talking car like Knight Rider. 5. You can win the Daytona 500 and still have no idea how to check your oil. 4. My grandkids could sleep in until two minutes before school starts and I'd still get them there on time. 3. Even if you're one of the best race car drivers of all time, you still have to do crap like this. 2. Although it has nothing to do with racing, here's one thing I know--The 2004 Yankees are going all the way, am I right, people? 1. Never get in a car with Letterman--he's nuts.

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Dick Cheney's Mind At This Moment - October 6, 2004

10. "What should I do next--the phony chuckle or the unconvincing smile?" 9. "Hopefully he won't mention--Halibur--oh crap." 8. "W. better be tivoing 'The Gilmore Girls'." 7. "Where's the girl with my Jack and Coke?" 6. "To get the female vote maybe it's time to rip off the shirt and show some abs." 5. "Good God it's true--Edwards is devastatingly handsome." 4. "How the hell did the Yankees get shut out by the Twins?" 3. "I can snap this man's neck like a twig." 2. "That was the cue to bring out Osama! Where the hell is he?" 1. "Let's quit the cat and mouse crap and take this out to the parking lot."

Top Ten Questions Audience Members Were Not Allowed To Ask During Tonight's Debate - October 8, 2004

10. Who's a better one-term president--you or your father? 9. Is it annoying being married to a woman who always smells like ketchup? 8. With oil at $50 a barrel, why aren't we looking into cheaper barrels? 7. Which best describes your economic policies: "Preposterous lies" or "Absolute crap"? 6. Senator Kerry, what impact do you think your large, canoe-shaped head will have on the economy? 5. What is your favorite episode of "Sanford and Son"? 4. Do you prefer flipping or flopping? 3. Which one of you is Dukakis? 2. Do you think John Edwards would be interested in dating a New Jersey Governer? 1. If either of you win, will you pardon Martha?

Top Ten President Bush Explanations For The Bulge In His Jacket - October 13, 2004

10. "It's connected to an earpiece so Cheney can feed me answers--crap, I wasn't supposed to say that." 9. "It's a device that shocks me every time I mispronounce a word." 8. "Just a bunch of intelligence memos I haven't gotten around to reading yet." 7. "Mmm, delicious Muenster cheese." 6. "John Kerry initially voted for the bulge in my jacket, then voted against it." 5. "I'll tell you exactly what it is--it's a clear sign this econonmy is moving again." 4. "Halliburton is drilling my back for oil." 3. "Oh like you've never cheated in a presidential debate. 2. "Accidentally took some of Governer Schwarzenegger's 'roids." 1. "If Kerry's gonna look like a horse, then I'm gonna look like a camel."

Top Ten Bad Things About Being Named Martha Stewart presented by Martha Stewart from Montclair, New Jersey - October 18, 2004

10. Everybody expects you to be able to make crazy stuff out of pine cones. 9. When people ask for your favorite stuffing recipe, they get mad when you hand them a box of Stove Top. 8. If someone says, "It;s a good thing" to me one more time I'm gonna break his leg. 7. Every day at my house it's subpoenas, subpoenas, subpoenas. 6. Seeing my name plastered over all that cheap K-mart junk. 5. Everybody thinks you should smell like lilac. 4. I once got a $12,000 bill for tarragon. 3. People keep asking me if I've shivved my first snitch yet. 2. When it comes to making oatmeal raisin cookies, the bar is set pretty high. 1. The drunken 4 am calls from Letterman.

Top Ten Signs You've Purchased A Fake Flu Shot - October 19, 2004

10. The doctor looks a lot like the guy who hooked up your illegal cable box. 9. You see the nurse filling the syringe with gatorade. 8. Instead of FDA, the vaccine was approved by FTD. 7. The "clinic" is in a booth at Red Lobster. 6. It has a 100 percent guarantee from physician "Dr. Pepper." 5. Diploma on the wall is from Cormell University. 4. This morning you had a fever of 183 degrees. 3. Label lists the active ingredient as nougat. 2. For another 39 cents, doctor offers to super-size it. 1. You're so loopy you're under the impression the Red Sox beat the Yankees two games straight.

Top Ten Signs It's Autumn In New York - October 20, 2004

10. Twenty percent increase in crimes committed with rakes. 9. Since people are wearing jackets, chalk body outlines a bit bulkier. 8. Sanitation department finally picks up last year's Christmas trees. 7. Because of daylight saving time, Conan O'Brien now has 5 years and 1 hour until he replaces Leno. 6. Billy Joel has the top up when he crashes his car. 5. People are flocking to the Hello Deli to watch the meat loaf change colors. 4. Bill O'Reilly is keeping pants on when making phone calls. 3. CBS has documents that prove it's spring. 2. The Mets are not playing. 1. Martha Stewart is shivving pumpkins.

Top Ten Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback presented by Curt Schilling - October 21, 2004

10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic. 9. We put flu virus in Jeter's gatorade. 8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us. 7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey. 6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before--it's just been 86 years. 5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots. 4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins. 3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head. 2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus! 1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.

Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Halloween Party - October 22, 2004

10. 150 people sharing one Twix bar. 9. "Bobbing for apples" inadvertently becomes "bobbing for fat kid's retainer." 8. Supermarket ran out of pumpkins so jack-o-lantern carved out of a honeydew. 7. All the decorations read, "Happy Chanukah." 6. Your wife's been upstairs with the guy in the Bill O'Reilly costume for a couple of hours. 5. It's B.Y.O.M.: Bring your own monkey. 4. Well, for starters it's April. 3. Someone says, "Hey, great Mickey Rooney mask!" but you're not wearing a costume. 2. When a guy dressed as grim reaper leaves, you notice your grandparents missing. 1. It's just you and Martha in an 8-by-10 cell.

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Election Jokes - November 1, 2004

10. "With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all." 9. "She starts chanting, 'four more minutes! four more minutes!'" 8. "That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling." 7. "This isn't how it looks--I'm just joining a third party." 6. I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for." 5. "So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes." 4. "Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches." 3. "Get used to it, honey--we live in a swing state." 2. "I thought you had trouble maintaining an election." 1. "I saw your sister with Mary Cheney--there was no sign of Dick."

Top Ten John Kerry Excuses - November 3, 2004

10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn't get flu shots. 9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots. 8. Maybe it wasn't best idea to begin speeches with "yo mama is so fat" jokes. 7. The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him. 6. "Dude--it's the Curse of the Bambino." 5. Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico. 4. Turns out voters think it's hot that Cheney has a lesbian daughter. 3. Thought America was ready for a lunatic first lady. 2. Voters seem to really like a weak economy and a badly-run war. 1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.

Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Celebrated His Reelection - November 4, 2004

10. Eliminated tax cut for 55 million Americans who voted for Kerry. 9. Went trippin' on a handful of Cheney's heart pills. 8. Thanked voters from all 59 states. 7. Splurged on the endless shrimp special at Red Lobster. 6. Pretended not to notice his father's envious weeping. 5. Dug out tapes of some of his favorite Texas executions. 4. You know, the usual--watching wrasslin' and eating yodels. 3. Immediately started planning his 2008 reelection bid. 2. Told prison guards to give Saddam an extra tasering. 1. Asked for Laura's help with a very different bulge under his suit.

Top Ten Good Things About Being A 57-Year-Old First Time Mother - November 9, 2004

10. Baby Screaming? Turn down the volume on your hearing aid. 9. Sweet 2-for-1 deal on strained peas. 8. Bottle of Lipitor makes great rattle. 7. Somebody drooled on the sofa? Blame it on baby! 6. Nothing will put your baby to sleep quicker than a bedtime story from AARP newsletter. 5. Don't have to worry about costly college tuition because you'll be dead. 4. Able to calm crying baby with soothing hum of your pacemaker. 3. 57? You're just a kid...provided you're a redwood tree or one of those giant turtles. 2. When child asks where babies come from, you can honestly say you don't remember. 1. People are already saying, "At least you're not 70 like Letterman."

Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Barack Obama - November 12, 2004

10. Dalai Lama. 9. Rocky Balboa. 8. Baked Alaska. 7. Lions and Tigers and Barack, Obama! 6. Conan O'Bama 5. Affleck Box Office Bomb-A 4. Jerry Orbach 3. Bahama Mama 2. Jacko's Llama 1. Bandaloop

Top Ten Colin Powell Complaints - November 15, 2004

10. Never once received a card on National Secretary's Day. 9. Spittoons everywhere. 8. Hated the idea of working a single day with that son-of-a-bitch Alberto R. Gonzales. 7. Rumsfeld smells like Old Spice and Chivas. 6. Condoleezza Rice showing up for late-night strategy sessions in lingerie and heels. 5. Tired of Dr. heart attack getting all the attention. 4. Thought the commissary's "secretary of steak" was in poor taste. 3. CIA jokesters who say, "I found weapons of mass destruction--in my pants!" 2 Bush constantly asking, "so which state are you secretary of?" 1. Too many old white guys.

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Disaster Movie - November 17, 2004

10. The big flood is averted thanks to half a squirt of Liquid Plumber. 9. Actor playing seismologist hero has all the charisma of an actual seismologist. 8. Climatic scene kills of half the regulars on "Hollywood Squares." 7. The big disaster? Duane Reade ran out of Bounce fabric softener. 6. Not only is the killer storm leveling cities, it's also haunted. 5. "Explosions" are just crew members shouting, "Pcchewwwww!" 4. Tornadoes suck up dozens of parked cars and gently put them down in less convenient parking spots. 3. It's directed by Stuart Spielberg. 2. Dialogue includes many references to TGI Friday's delicious mudslides. 1. The earth is saved by the hilarious antics of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library - November 19, 2004

10. "I'm sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over." 9. "A library in Arkansas--well, now I've seen everything." 8. "The hours are 9 to ???" 7. "This is the first presidential library I've seen with hourly rates." 6. "He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover." 5. "Don't forget to try the snack bar's impeachment cobbler." 4. "That concludes our ceremony--you're all invited to stay for ham hocks and moonshine." 3. "Damn, Bubba has a huge desk." 2. "It's the only presidential library with a ladies' night." 1. "Security to the front--Kerry is here sobbing again."

Top Ten Questions Received By The Butterball Turkey Hotline - November 24, 2004

10. "If I put my phone in the turkey, can you tell me if it's done?" 9. "How can I be sure it's dead?" 8. "Transfer me to the gravy department." 7. "Given the current market, am I better off renting a turkey?" 6. "Can I buy an extended warranty for my turkey?" 5. "I've never cooked a turkey before--is it like cooking a raccoon?" 4. "When will the 2005 models be released?" 3. "Did you know your telephone number is one off from the gutterball bowling hotline?" 2. "What's the best kind of stuffing to shoot from a cannon?" 1. "Martha here--how big a turkey should I get for 1,500 hungry female cons?"

Top Ten Signs You Had A Lame Thanksgiving - November 26, 2004

10. More than once, you deliberately tried to choke on a turkey bone. 9. Turkeys were sold out, so you ended up with a butterball frozen monkey. 8. The thing you were most thankful for? Everyone leaving. 7. Local shop ran out of pilgrim costumes, so people dressed as astronauts. 6. While you were stuffing the turkey, your brother was stuffing your wife. 5. Everyone else was sluggish because of tryptophan, you were sluggish because of salmonella. 4. You ended up being thankful for the attractively priced combo meals at Taco Bell. 3. Instead of "white meat or dark meat?", you were asked "bone or gristle?" 2. Mom couldn't get any cooking done because of all the phone calls from Bill O'Reilly. 1. Just as you were sitting down to dinner, your family was beaten by Ron Artest.

Top Ten Signs Tom Brokaw Doesn't Give A Damn Anymore - November 29, 2004

10. Lead story is always how much he won that day at the dog track. 9. New sign-off: "That's all I got, losers." 8. He's done the last few newscasts from his hot tub. 7. Refers to all countries as "Belgium." 6. Last week reported there's a treasure map on the Declaration of Independence. 5. Reads news with a mouthful of Cool Ranch Doritos. 4. Already sold his anchor desk on Ebay. 3. His rambling editorial about the lousy service at Quiznos. 2. Begins telecast by "setting the mood" with Luther Vandross. 1. During exclusive interview, he sucker-punched Ron Artest.

Top Ten Thoughts That Cross Your Mind When Going 190 Miles Per Hour - November 30, 2004

10. "Left turn, left turn, straight, left turn, left turn, straight, left turn, left turn, straight..." 9. "Did I remember to Tivo 'Desperate Housewives'?" 8. "Oh yeah, the fumes are really kicking in now." 7. "Did I remember to take the supplemental liability coverage?" 6. "Uh oh, that wasn't Powerade--that was Pennzoil." 5. "Damn, that Jeff Gordon is handsome." 4. "My crew chief Jimmy Fennig is a genius!" "I gotta suck up to him or else he'll tamper with my brakes." 3. "Turn three should have a McDonald's drive-thru." 2. "Maybe I should have put the top up." 1. "Wheeeeee!"

Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated The Anniversary Of His Capture - December 13, 2004

10. Had a heartwarming reunion with the guy who deloused him. 9. Put his name in for that homeland security opening. 8. Ordered one of Carvel's delicious fudgy the goat cakes. 7. Rehearsed for his role as Fezziwig in prison production of "A Christmas Carol." 6. Same as every Monday: "CSI: Miami" and frozen pizza bagels. 5. Pampered his beard with VO5 Hot Oil Treatment. 4. Asked guards if he could stay up late to catch Ashanti on Letterman. 3. Counted his blessings that he ain't Bernard Kerik. 2. Waited 13 hours for visit from Uday and Qusay. 1. Compared notes with Martha on life in the joint.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is On Steroids - December 14, 2004

10. His science fair project demonstrates ways to get around urine tests. 9. Explanation for his suddenly enhanced strength: "Uh...I'm Spider-Man?" 8. Drinks his milk and then eats the glass. 7. His life-long dream is to run for Governer of California. 6. During game of "Got Your Nose," tore Uncle Paul's face right off his head. 5. For Christmas, he's giving everyone diamonds he made by squeezing lumps of coal. 4. He goes outside to ride his bike--five minutes later he calls from Mexico. 3. Instead of girls, he's constantly on the phone with Balco Founder Victor Conte. 2. His adrenal glands are the size of billiard balls. 1. Last year she was the Prom Queen. This year--Prom King.

Top Ten Ways To Improve The Department Of Homeland Security - December 15, 2004

10. Instead of colors, assign each threat level a different flavor of Pringles. 9. Come up with a cool catch phrase like that "You're Fired!" 8. Get on Osama's good side by sending him nice Christmas fruit basket from Harry & David. 7. Maybe some area rugs and throw pillows? 6. All foreign visitors to be outffitted with Lojack System. 5. Anyone who phones in a tip about a terror plot gets Sirius Satellite Radio. 4. At all border crossings, employ intimidating, locked-out NHL players. 3. Institute "Books For Bombs" program. 2. Find a replacement for Tom Ridge who's even ridgier. 1. Instruct airport screeners to hit everybody in the nuts.

Top Ten Things That Sound Sexy When Said By America's Next Top Model presented by Eva Pigford - December 16, 2004

10. The atomic weight of Barium 137.34. 9. Objects may be closer than they appear. 8. Taco Bell beef and cheese Chalupa. 7. The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest medicine. 6. Gesundheit. 5. This soup tastes like Dioxin. 4. Spongebob Squarepants. 3. Castrol is engineered to provide maximum protection against viscosity and thermal breakdown. 2. Hoobastank. 1. All this and Andy Rooney, tonight on "60 Minutes."

Top Ten Signs You're Not The Most Popular Guy In Your High School presented by Napoleon Dynamite - December 21, 2004

10. Your yearbook photo caption reads, "Unidentified Sophomore." 9. Your only friend is the one you built in shop class. 8. School song includes phrase about how much you suck. 7. Every time you talk to a girl, the conversation inevitably drifts to your frequent nosebleeds. 6. The stupid kid who gets his tater tots stolen every day? He steals your tater tots. 5. Everyone's jealous of your tetherball skills. 4. Not only did you take your mom to the prom, you had to pay her 20 bucks. 3. You can't dance like this. 2. "Lord of the Rings" figurines-50, friends-0. 1. How would I know? I'm like the coolest kid in school.

Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols presented by the Late Show Carolers - December 22, 2004

10. Here comes Ron Artest, here comes Ron Artest, ready to punch us out. 9. You're beginning to look a lot more attractive. / I've had too much egg nog. 8. Have another dose of steroids. / Try the cream and try the clear. / Keep it up a few more months. / You'll break Hank Aaron's record next year. 7. I saw mommy kissing Bernie Kerik. 6. I bought no gift, my kids are sad, the house looks like a dump. / We can't afford Christmas because. / I was fired by Donald Trump. 5. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum. / Why does your name sound Jewish? 4. He's lost Ashcroft and Powell and Evans and Veneman / Abraham, Paige and Ridge and Thompson / Can George Bush forestall / losing his cabinet one and all. 3. What happened to Kirstie Alley? What happened to Kirstie Alley? What happened to Kirstie Alley? She's as big as a house. 2. I'll be home for Christmas. / You can plan on me. / I'll be home for Christmas. / Martha's busting out of the penitentiary. 1. Did you hear 'bout Cheney's daughter? Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay, Gay Gay Gay Gay.
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