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Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party - January 01, 1996

10. Brand of champagne: Dom Deluise 9. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop 8. You wake up the next morning wearing a medallion and there's a note from Al Sharpton that 7. You hear a guy count down before using the bathroom 6. Joycelyn Elders is there trying to get herself drunk 5. It's eleven o'clock at night, and you're watching Roger Ebert play Twister 4. Six times in a row, a champagne cork lodges in your trachea 3. The so-called "Party Hats" are really Letterman's old hairpieces 2. Everyone's gathered around the TV watching that geezer from "American Bandstand" 1. It's over by 9:30

Top Ten Dave Letterman's New Year's Resolutions - January 02, 1996

10. When visiting strip bars, stop using Regis' name to get free lap dances 9. Become a prison pen pal with Hillary 8. Work up the courage to wear my dreadlock toupee in public 7. No more cigars in the shower 6. Combine my love of bass fishing and exercise into new sport: Bassercize 5. Only pay for sex if the price seems really, really reasonable 4. Get back to my true love, cabaret 3. Correct that annoying typo in my Metallica tattoo 2. Find perfect joke to open with at Academy Awards (sorry, that was a resolution for 1995) 1. Every time Drew Barrymore is on the show, tell her it's my birthday

Top Ten Good Things About Global Warming - January 04, 1996

10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives 9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw 8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust 7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures in National Geographic 6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees 5. Fat guys can make their own gravy 4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass 3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to vendor) 2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face melts 1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will catch real killers

Top Ten Reasons Bryant Gumbel Is Leaving The 'Today Show' - January 05, 1996

10. Found out that Gene Shalit borrowed his comb 9. Today Show Dr. Art Ulene's physicals last a little too long 8. Has some grand plan about something called "The Yesterday Show" 7. You try dealing with "Katie Perky" every morning at 5 AM 6. Tired of sitting there helplessly while New Yorkers outside window give him the finger 5. He's pregnant 4. Wants to get out of a town where guys sell bacon from a briefcase (shot...) 3. Got starring role in "The Greg Gumbel Story" 2. Wants to have more sex on internet using nickname "Giant Bryant" 1. He's getting out of the television business -- he's going to work at CBS

Top Ten Blizzard Safety Tips - January 08, 1996

10. Eat plenty of rock salt 9. Fill your snowblower with jet fuel and ride the bastard to Palm Beach! 8. Clear snow off driveway with just one scalding hot cup of McDonald's coffee 7. Two words: Duraflame underpants 6. Always have plenty of kindling, like the Late Show Book of Lists, only 16 dollars at 5. Drink a jug of antifreeze, crawl under the couch, and sleep till July 4. No matter how bad the blizzard, don't let yourself get talked into doing lame comedy segment 3. For current weather updates call All Roker at home at 212-975-6401 2. If you absolutely must go out and kill people, wear a warm black watchcap and Isotoner gloves 1. Flannel condoms from L.L. Bean

Top Ten Doorman Pet Peeves During The Blizzard - January 09, 1996

10. Hard to give cabbies the finger with mittens on 9. Giants fans who throw snowballs at you 8. When the snow is blowing so hard you have to wear pants 7. Local punks stealing my hat for their snowman 6. The fire hydrants are all buried, so the dogs use me 5. Frozen knobs 4. Snow or no snow, they make me wear this stupid freakin' uniform 3. When Geraldo makes me break the icicles off his mustache 2. People who ask, "Can you hail me a hooker?" 1. When you ask Letterman for a tip, he says, "Stay outta the cold"

Top Ten Signs President Clinton is Angry - January 10, 1996

10. His pasty white thighs now have a dull red glow 9. He actually talked back to Hillary 8. The gravy in his veins rushes to his head 7. For a change, shots are being fired from the White House 6. He's using the F-word like he's Madonna 5. He can't even think about dating 4. Went to pet store, bought a newt, named it "Gingrich," barbecued it 3. He gives people on the White House tour the finger 2. When pizza was late, he beat delivery boy to death with a Yoo Hoo bottle 1. His '96 campaign slogan: "You can all bite me"

Top Ten Good Things About Shoveling Snow - January 11, 1996

10. A heart attack means you get to ride in an ambulance with all the sirens going 9. By New York law, you can eat anything that ends up in your shovel 8. Sometimes, when nobody's looking, I "write" my name in the snow 7. The city gives you a free subway token for every mob informant you dig up 6. Big tips from the hookers when you clear off their stretch of the sidewalk 5. One hour shoveling equals two hours of the Buttmaster 4. It's a good opportunity to reflect on the futility and meaninglessness of life 3. You get to wear Isotoner gloves, just like The Juice 2. It's fun to "accidentally" cover Trump's limo with snow 1. Frankly, chicks dig guys with big shovels

Top Ten Surprises in the O.J. Simpson Video - January 12, 1996

10. Kato's not a "real" blond 9. You can actually get better results from the sand with a wedge than a 9-iron. 8. Every time O.J. stops talking, Al Cowlings screams "You the man!" 7. It's mostly old clips of O.J. scoring touchdowns 6. Halfway through, O.J. gets pissed off and kills the guy interviewing him 5. The revelation that the gloves are Hillary's size 4. Mark Fuhrman also planted some lovely perennials in O.J.'s window boxes 3. The part where O.J. goes searching for the real killer with Ace Ventura, Pet Detective 2. Johnnie Cochran coming on at the end of the tape to say, "If you don't mind, you must rewind" 1. He says he did it

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Republican Weekend - January 15, 1996

10. Hey, Rush -- that pot roast is for everybody! 9. Why does everybody keep referring to this place as 'Newt Hampshire?' 8. Screw the election -- let's go see that Brady Bunch movie 7. Run for your lives! It's Eisenhower! 6. Once I seen Dave Letterman open a ham using nothin' but a taxi cab! 5. We've all had it -- Oprah just announced her candidacy! 4. Forget the issues -- what do you boys think about O.J.? 3. Gerald Ford and George Bush just went to the golf course to kill a couple of spectators 2. My dream ticket in '96? Kemp and Gump! 1. Hey, Senator Dole -- the Ito beard really works!

Top Ten Stores Not Doing Well This Holiday Season - January 16, 1996

10. Gap For Losers 9. Tick Town 8. Lance Ito's Fake Beard Store 7. Ye Olde Deadly Virus Shoppe 6. Boutros Boutros' Blouses 5. The House of Overpriced Crap 4. Al Sharpton's Medallion City 3. Denture Hut 2. Wacky Pataki's Electronics 1. Roseanne's Secret

Top Ten Ways The Post Office Will Spend The Extra Money From Rate Hike - January 17, 1996

10. Hire consultants to figure out how to plan next rate hike 9. To find new and better ways to lose our nation's mail 8. Stamps the size of door mats! 7. Face lift for Mr. Zip 6. Commemorative stamp collection featuring President Clinton and all of his mistresses 5. Lobby to put a mailman on Mount Rushmore 4. Battery-operated vibrating mail bags 3. Special stamp glue that gives you a three hour buzz 2. Retain the services of Robert Shapiro 1. Ammo! Ammo! Ammo!

Top Ten New Slogans for New York City - January 18, 1996

10. New Jersey's Psycho Cousin 9. Squeegeeville, USA 8. Giuliani Land 7. The Mug-me Town 6. Dave-onia 5. The Unmagic Kingdom 4. We Whack 'Em 3. Villa de Regis 2. The Town So Nice...Actually, It's Not So Nice 1. The Big Oprah

Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Dropped Out Of The Race - January 19, 1996

10. Manager at Dairy Queen wouldn't give him time off to campaign 9. Couldn't decide which Power Ranger to choose as running mate 8. Wants to devote more time to looking for Waldo 7. Has decided to run for President of Indiana instead 6. Didn't know whether or not there was "e" at the end of Quayle 5. Afraid that if elected, he'd have to do whatever Hillary says 4. Doesn't want to live in a house that everybody keeps shooting at 3. Scared folks might find out he's one can short of a six-pack 2. Just signed to co-star with Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber 2" 1. He's yella

Top Ten Reasons The Mets Will Do Better In 1996 - January 22, 1996

10. This year, the league is going to let us hit the ball off a tee —Second baseman Jeff Kent 9. We're eliminating that pre-game Happy Hour —Shortstop Jose Vizcaino 8. No more leaving during the eighth inning to beat traffic —Left fielder Ryan Thompson 7. 96 is a leap year, so we'll have an extra day to practice —Pitcher Jason Isringhausen 6. We're finally going to get around to finding out what this means does signs —1st Baseman Rico Brogna 5. We're going to give 110 percent, at least 51 percent of the time —Right fielder Carl Everett 4. It's a huge weight off our shoulders knowing Letterman won't be hosting this year's Academy Awards —Catcher Todd Hundley 3. No more Cartoon Channel in the dugout —Pitcher Bill Pulsipher 2. We just signed a chimp with a 200-mph fastball —Pitcher Bobby Jones 1. Two words: lucky cups —Pitchers John Franco and Dave Mlecki

Top Ten Surprises in Clinton's State of the Union Address - January 23, 1996

10. When he introduced a few ladies in the audience that he's nailed 9. Every time Gore led a round of applause, Clinton tossed him a herring 8. His liberal use of the F-word 7. When Ted Kennedy got up to go to the bathroom, President Clinton said "We'll wait" 6. The surprise walk-on by Tony Randall (Tony walks on) 5. When Newt gave the President the finger 4. When Clinton admitted he was the one who installed the Vietnamese sex swing in the Lincoln bedroom 3. Gave the movie "Biodome" a thumbs-up 2. If re-elected, would bring back the McRib Sandwich 1. Unveiled plan to extend health care benefits to convicted First Ladies

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If It Were Run By Models - January 24, 1996

10. Greater voter turnout since ballots would have a centerfold 9. Statue of Liberty would have to lose 20 to 25 pounds 8. Constitution repealed in favor of document reading "Like, whatever" 7. White House painted a sassy shade of mauve 6. Lots of public service announcements on how to make yourself throw up 5. Mt. Rushmore features guy who invented no-smudge-mascara 4. Oath of office would include phrase "I solemnly swear to have fabulously long, colt-like legs" 3. American flag redesigned with vertical stripes for a more "slimming" effect 2. President vetoes legislation by making a pouty look 1. New Cabinet official: Buttmaster General

Top Ten Slogans For The New Fat Substitute - January 25, 1996

10. Waddle over and buy some 9. Look like Siskel, eat like Ebert 8. From the chemical vat to your mouth 7. Less noisy than liposuction, safer than barfing 6. Wouldn't you like to be less of a load? 5. Certified by the Mexican Food and Drug Administration 4. Start slurpin', Tubby 3. We can't tell you exactly how we make it, but we can say this: ten monkeys go into a room, and only nine come out 2. It's Newt-tritious 1. Hey, Lard-ass...this fat's for you!

Top Ten Highlights of Hillary Clinton's Grand Jury Appearance - January 26, 1996

10. Her frequent denials that she knew any "Bill Clinton" 9. Promised to dedicate rest of her life to finding the "real shredders" 8. The way she kept swigging from a flask in her purse 7. Offered to help every member of the grand jury make $100,000 overnight 6. When she pulled that Sharon Stone "Basic Instinct" move 5. President Clinton showed up with a date 4. Revelation that one item on billing records is "5 tins of men's thigh rouge" 3. When that .38 fell out of her purse 2. When she had a really hard time putting o limo, replace Big Mac holder with Grey Poupon holder 3. New address: White House 90210 2. Throw himself an even bigger victory party than O.J. Simpson's 1. Whatever the hell he wants

Top Ten Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Pet Peeves - January 30, 1996

10. When a coach slams a helmet on your head and has you go in for a couple plays 9. When Michael Irvin shows up wearing more jewelry than us 8. Being charged by the airline for an extra seat for all of our hair 7. Getting in line at the concession stand behind John Madden 6. When Troy Aikman has a concussion and keeps calling you "Larry" 5. When you step in the stadium nacho cheese sauce and have to throw your boots away 4. Carpal tunnel pom-pom syndrome 3. Every few months being called to the White House to cheer up the president 2. After the crowd gives you a "C" and an "O" and a "W" and a "B" and an "O" and a "Y" and an "S" and you ask them what they have and they don't know 1. Cowboys who actually smell like cows

Top Ten Reasons Anna Nicole Smith is Bankrupt - January 31, 1996

10. Gets sued every time her Wonderbra flies off and kills a guy 9. Dead husband left her nothing but CBS stock 8. Victoria's Secret started charging by the yard 7. Constantly bribing janitors to let her in the back doors of nursing homes 6. $60,000 in Buttmaster repairs 5. Paid a ton to install giant ditch in front yard to catch old guys 4. John DuPont backed out of his promise to take care of her 3. Recently gave up modeling to study cold fusion 2. New husband George Burns just refuses to die 1. Two words: silicone ass

Top Ten Signs Your Wrestling Coach Is Nuts - February 1, 1996

10. Every time he shows you a hold, you notice he has one less finger 9. He orders wrestling outfits from Victoria's Secret 8. He teaches you a hammerlock involving a real hammer 7. Once a week he says, "The uniforms are in the wash. We'll have to wrestle naked" 6. He's hoping and praying there will be a "Biodome" sequel 5. When he demonstrates a hold, he says, "Pretend you're Siegfried and I'm Roy" 4. Compulsively refers to himself as "the most powerful man in American broadcasting" 3. Refers to voices in head as "my tag team partners" 2. His "secret wrestling move": tickling 1. His TV is always on CBS

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having An Affair By Computer - February 2, 1996

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk dive 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand 5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software" 4. Lipstick on the mouse 3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants 1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass

Top Ten Insults For Dave Letterman - February 5, 1996

10. Do yourself a favor, Letterman -- make an appointment with a brain surgeon 9. Who picks your clothes -- Stevie Wonder? 8. Why are you always speeding, Letterman? It's not like you've got people holding their breath til you get there 7. Personally, I liked you better when you were on the cover of Mad" magazine" 6. Don't look now, but something died on your head 5. This is the part of the show where I always say to myself, 'I wonder what Koppel's doing tonight' 4. Ball State -- now there's a real hotbed of rocket scientists 3. If Drew Barrymore hadn't flashed you, you wouldn't have had any sex life at all 2. Hey, Dave, I'm having an Oscar party this year. I hope you won't be working that night 1. Letterman, let's face it -- you put the 'suck' in success

Top Ten Phil Gramm Excuses - February 7, 1996

10. Despite warm weather, shouldn't have campaigned shirtless 9. Couldn't help giggling whenever he heard the word "caucus" 8. That ill-advised joke about the Pope and Sharon Stone 7. Misread memo advising him to kiss babies as "kiss babes" 6. Day before election, caught in bed with chef Paul Prudhomme 5. Shouldn't have accepted campaign contributions from Iraqis 4. His campaign slogan offended a few people: "Wham, Bam, Thank You Gramm" 3. Stunned by seeing nude Joan Collins on "THE LATE SHOW" (vt of nude Joan) 2. Didn't know camera was on when he took a leak behind podium 1. Shouldn't have started every speech with that "Oprah-Uma" joke

Top Ten Reasons Lois Lane is Dumping Superman - February 8, 1996

10. His heat vision sometimes turns on accidentally when he's drunk 9. She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super-snoring 8. Every time he left toilet seat up, blamed it on Clark Kent 7. He always had to go "stop an earthquake" when her parents were in town 6. Was inspired when Lisa Marie dumped her man from another planet 5. Always making wisecracks about how his x-ray vision couldn't penetrate her meatloaf 4. Had to expose him to kryptonite to get him to take out garbage 3. His insistence that the kids be raised super 2. She saw him barhopping in the Village wearing a Wonder Woman costume 1. Faster than a speeding bullet, if you know what I mean

Top Ten Things I Like About Liz Taylor - February 9, 1996

10. Her fragrance "Black Pearls" is great for breaking in a new catcher's mitt 9. Her violet eyes are exactly the same shade as mine 8. Her hips are as good as new 7. Sent me a note after Academy Awards: "You didn't suck quite as bad as everyone says" 6. Has always had a taste for diamond rings the size of mangos 5. She's one of the few legendary screen actresses who can dunk 4. Doesn't just like it when construction workers whistle at her -- she marries them 3. Endearing way she's always saying, "Fetch my bed jacket, Meathead!" 2. Just as sophisticated as Joan Collins, and would never do this: (roll VT) 1. Two more husbands and I'll have me a new list

Top Ten Things Overheard At The NBA All-Star Game - February 12, 1996

10. It's time to start -- Dennis Rodman's hair just turned green 9. Ladies and gentlemen -- that last groin pull was brought to you by Nike! 8. Will the squeegee guy please report to Charles Barkley's head? 7. Shaquille, Hakeem, Hakeem, Shaquille 6. According to Mrs. Jordan, he always beats the 24-second clock 5. Daddy, how come there are no New Jersey Nets here? 4. Hi, I own a big & tall men's store, "Hi, I own a big & tall Men's store" 3. Check it out -- they're mopping up the sweat with Letterman's hairpiece! 2. I'm sorry, Mr. President, the dunking competition has nothing to do with donuts 1. I had sex with Madonna for luck "Hey, me too!"

Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Celebrated His Iowa Victory - February 13, 1996

10. Rocked out to those Bing Crosby records 9. Changed his name to "Prime Time Dole" 8. Sat down to a seven-course meal of strained food 7. Tried to pour Gatorade on campaign manager, got winded, napped for an hour 6. Treated Mrs. Dole to the best ten second of her life 5. Before he went to be put his teeth in a champagne glass 4. Had a couple of drinks, then climbed back into the cryogenics chamber 3. Stayed up all night waiting for congratulatory telegram from Teddy Roosevelt 2. Went cruising for chicks with Strom Thurmond 1. For the first time ever, smiled

Top Ten Signs You're Dating A Loser - February 14, 1996

10. He keeps saying, "I can't believe it! Me...on a date!" 9. You go for a moonlit walk on the beach, and he's using a metal detector 8. The name inside the heart tattoo on his arm is his 7. He has Dr. Kevorkian on speed dial 6. The fur coat he gives you is made out of his own back hair 5. He keeps reminding you he was Danny Partridge 4. His last name is Fortensky 3. During dinner, he keeps using his toupee to wipe clam sauce off his chin 2. He keeps bitching about not being asked back to host the Academy Awards 1. He's so afraid of Hillary he never even stays the night

Top Ten Highlights of the New Hampshire Debate - February 16, 1996

10. To appear taller, Forbes wore lifts made from stacks of $50 bills 9. Interrupted three times by phone calls from O.J. 8. Walk-on by Willard Scott wishing Bob Dole a happy 100th birthday 7. When Buchanan proved he's not a racist by doing his adorable "Buckwheat" character 6. Every time Forbes spoke he got a standing ovation from Anna Nicole Smith 5. Lamar Alexander showed up wearing trademark plaid shirt and nothing else 4. Bob Dole's exit in a helicopter with Diana Ross 3. When Dick Lugar endorsed "The Late Show Video Special II," airing this Monday at 10 PM 2. Pat Buchanan introducing his new campaign co-chairman: Mark Fuhrman 1. Whoopi stole the show!

Top Ten Ways to Make Your State's Primary More Exciting - February 20, 1996

10. Everybody votes naked 9. Voting booth handle also dispenses shots of Jim Beam 8. Every field of candidates must contain at least one nutty billionaire 7. Replace candidates' wives with "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit models 6. Hell, replace candidates with "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit models 5. Make outcome completely unpredictable by having ballots counted by New York high school students 4. Fill the voting booths with rotting meat, then just sit back and wait for the hyenas! 3. Invite Mr. Excitement himself -- Bob Borden! (Cut live to Bob slouched) 2. Have winner chosen by audience of "Love Connection" 1. You don't pull voting booth's lever...it pull yours

Top Ten Ways Buchanan Celebrated His Victory - February 21, 1996

10. Beer and pizza with the Grand Wizard 9. Chased a group of Canadian tourists back across the border 8. Fended off the advances of a drunk Elizabeth Dole 7. Threw confetti made from the Bill of Rights 6. Went down to the college quad and whipped himself some hippie ass 5. Drank bottle of victory champagne from Mark Fuhrman 4. Invaded a Polish restaurant 3. Wrote some new lyrics for "God Bless America" (roll VT of Buchanan) 2. Attended an early victory party for Bill Clinton 1. When asked what he's going to do now, shouted, "I'm gonna bomb the crap outta Disneyworld!"

Top Ten Biker Pick-Up Lines - February 22, 1996

10. Excuse me, you wearing 'Windsong' by Prince Matchabelli? 9. Come to the ballet often? 8. I've done it with both Harley and Davidson 7. Would you believe I left my Volvo at home? 6. I wouldn't mind being your biker lady friend 5. You ain't a cop, are you? 4. Yo, would you like to sit on my hog? 3. Ever made it with an overweight problem drinker? 2. You rev my love-a-meter 1. Are you as crazy about Streisand as I am?

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Lamar Alexander - February 23, 1996

10. Real name: "Alexander Lamar" 9. On weekends wears a red flannel mini-skirt 8. Plans to wipe out deficit by holding up Ross Perot at an ATM 7. Was the "Lamar" in "Siegfried and Roy and Lamar" 6. Was taught to wear flannel shirts by his adoptive lesbian parents 5. As Tennessee governor, once illustrated need for cutbacks by chopping off own thumb 4. In the early 70's, was Liberace's chauffeur 3. Has also done it on Newt's desk 2. Borrows his flannel shirts from his secret lover, Stu the Lumberjack 1. Wife once blurted, "In the sack, he ain't exactly Alexander the Great"

Top Ten Rejected Names For Liz Taylor's New Perfume - February 26, 1996

10. Aging Legend 9. Prince Manicotti 8. Husband #5 7. Ball 'N Socket 6. Who's Cooking Cabbage? 5. National Velveeta 4. I Smell A Divorce 3. For External Use Only 2. I Need Cash 1. Sniff This

Top Ten Ellen Degeneres Tips For Hosting An Awards Show - February 27, 1996

10. Unless absolutely necessary, never give the audience the finger 9. At the end of the ceremony, don't forget to dredge up that crap about how "everybody is a 8. About an hour before the show, start drinking 7. To add dramatic tension, have all envelopes presented by real live disgruntled postmen 6. Never refer to the winner as "that lucky little bitch" 5. No matter how bad you have to, never ever spit on camera 4. If Oprah Winfrey and Uma Thurman are both in attendance -- don't introduce them 3. Try to avoid doing an awards show that's on at same time as your own show 2. At the end of the ceremony, never say "how about a hand for all the pathetic losers" 1. Above all, don't take awards shows too seriously -- they're rigged!

Top Ten Ways Steve Forbes Celebrated His Victory in Arizona - February 28, 1996

10. Went cruising for chicks in his nerdmobile 9. Bought Rolex watches for all five people who voted for Richard Lugar 8. Watched $5,000 worth of dirty movies on hotel TV Spectravision 7. In a drunken stupor, shot two polo ponies and a butler 6. Grabbed a fistful of hundreds and hauled ass to Hooters 5. Gave everyone who voted for him a Buick 4. Said, "Adios, Red Necks," flew back to his private island, and sterilized all of his belongings 3. Spent an hour throwing baseballs at an archery target 2. Changed his flat tax to a fat tax just to piss off Rush Limbaugh 1. When asked what he will do next, shouted, "I'm gonna buy Disneyworld!"

Top Ten Highlights of Dan Rather's Career - March 05, 1996

10. His ill-fated pairing with co-anchor Jamie Farr 9. Did one-hour interview with Richard Lugar without falling asleep 8. His inability to say the word "caucus" without giggling 7. His weird "you da man" exchange with French Prime Minister Chirac 6. That magical night in Saigon with Lesley Stahl and Morley Safer 5. The night he did the entire newscast in rap as "Snoop Danny Dan" 4. Interviews with Afghan rebels actually took place in Dan's backyard 3. Performing live with R.E.M. at Madison Square Garden (roll VT) 2. His tumultuous five-month marriage to Charlie Sheen 1. During last interview with President Clinton, was naked below the desk

Top Ten Signs You Should Drop Out of the Race - March 06, 1996

10. Can't even get to first base with any of the campaign interns 9. In the polls you're running just behind Regis 8. Biggest campaign contribution is half-a-roll of Lifesavers 7. At fundraising dinners, they make you sit at card table with kids 6. Paula Jones says she wouldn't even think of doing it with you 5. Show: "Oprah", Topic: "Incredible Losers", Guest: You 4. You tell people you're running for president, and they say "president of what?" 3. All you feel like doing lately is throwing baseballs at an archery target (roll vt) 2. The only politician who endorses you is Mayor McCheese 1. You nail three hookers on the Capitol steps, and the press just doesn't care

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having Affair With Prince Charles - March 07, 1996

10. Hidden in the closet you find a pair of earmuffs the size of a CD player 9. Always bragging that she could have you beheaded 8. She has a terminal at Heathrow named after her 7. Lately, she seems to know an awful lot about polo 6. Her new wall plaque: "Official Supplier of Sex to His Royal Highness The Prince Of Wales" 5. Suddenly, the only thing she'll eat is bangers and mash 4. Her unemployed brother somehow gets a job as a viscount 3. She replaced painting of dogs playing poker with original Magna Carta 2. She complains that your family doesn't have enough inbred lunatics 1. The crown marks on her thighs

Top Ten Things To Do In New York During A Blizzard - March 08, 1996

10. Hand out thermal turbans to cab drivers 9. Visit Time Square's new outdoor strip club: "Chapped Laps" 8. Hook up team of rats and start your own Iditarod 7. During high winds, spit off the Empire State Building and try to nail someone in Newark 6. As a goodwill gesture, go down to Times Square and offer to de-ice a hooker 5. Play prank on crackhead by selling him vial of snow 4. Walk in front of CBS, slip on the ice, and sue! sue! sue! 3. Throw snowballs at an archery target 2. Stay home and fax people the finger 1. Walk through Time's Square with a sign around your neck that says, "Plow Me"

Top Ten Surprises In The Brady Bunch Movie - March 11, 1996

10. Instead of Alice the live-in maid, it's Kato the live-in houseboy 9. Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich 8. Some dork with a bad hairpiece keeps asking the Bradys about their "brushes with the law" 7. By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne 6. Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady 5. The kids bear a striking resemblance to mom's high school sweetheart, Bill Clinton 4. Cindy grounded for two weeks after firing shots at the White House 3. Every part played by Paul Shaffer 2. Gripping scene in which mom O.D.'s and dad plunges a hypodermic needle into her heart 1. They keep "gettin' it on" with the Osmonds

Top Ten Questions Asked by Tourists Visiting New York City - March 12, 1996

10. Jaine from South Dakota: "Does it always smell like this?" 9. Jon and Nancy from Massachusetts: "Do you think we'll ever see our luggage again?" 8. Paul form Florida: "Which way to the emergency room?" 7. Stu from Illinois: "Five bucks for a lousy cup of coffee?" 6. Martin from Alabama: "Who's that gap-toothed fella with the world-famous Paul Shaffer?" 5. Julie from Maine: "How do I get to Seinfeld's apartment?" 4. Judith from California: "What's with Mayor Giuliani's hair?" 3. Lou from New Mexico: "Is it true that the hot dogs in new York explode?" 2. Craig from Pennsylvania: "Which way to the hookers?" 1. Ed from Nevada: "Go what myself?"

Top Ten Worst Jobs in the U.S. - March 13, 1996

10. John Madden's masseuse 9. The guy that gathers live beetles for Morley Safer's lunch 8. T.V. repairman in Amish country 7. Campaign director for Clinton '96 6. Hooker at Star Trek convention 5. Bodyguard/husband, Roseanne 4. Commercial salesman for CBS prime time 3. Hosting the Academy Awards 2. Babysitter for the Menendez brothers 1. Being Fabio

Top Ten Other Cities' New Slogans - March 14, 1996

10. We've got bourbon that'll knock you on your butt! (Mayor Jerry Abramson -- Louisville, Kentucky) 9. In San Francisco you lose your heart, in New York you lose your wallet! (Mayor Frank Jordan - San Francisco, California) 8. Could we interest you in some salt? (Mayor DeeDee Corradini -- Salt Lake City, Utah) 7. If you call it Spo-kane, we'll smack you with a pine tree! (Mayor Jack Gair-a-dee -- Spo-can, Washington) 6. Where it never gets as cold as the Ed Sullivan Theater! (Mayor Seymour Gelber -- Miami Beach, Florida) 5. Dallas, starts with a Big D just like Dave and Dr. Pepper! (Mayor Steve Bartlett -- Dallas, Texas) 4. Somewhere between California and Washington, that's where you'll find us! (Mayor Vera Katz - Portland, Oregon) 3. We've got Mujibur! (Mayor Sirajul Islam -- Trenton, New Jersey) 2. Floods, fires and fun! (Mayor Richard Reardon -- Los Angeles, California) 1. Kiss our arch! (Mayor Freeman R. Bosley, Jr. -- St. Louis, Missouri)

Top Ten Signs Something Is Very, Very Wrong At Pepperidge Farms - March 15, 1996

10. That old guy from the commercials? He licks all of the cookies before packaging them 9. Only thing they've produced in the last three months is a two-mile-long mint milano 8. The cookies actually smell like a farm 7. Whenever you open a bag of cookies you find an empty fifth of tequila 6. Openly admit it's not a "farm" but an armed compound full of sugar-crazed fanatics 5. The goldfish crackers taste like goldfish 4. Keebler Elves being held hostage in an abandoned silo at north end of farm 3. You turn on the Simpson trial and see the Pepperidge Farms guy testifying about DNA 2. Anatomically correct gingerbread men 1. Two words: hairy cookies

Top Ten Signs of Spring in New York City - March 18, 1996

10. New York City cab drivers go from wool to cotton turbans 9. Streets are filled with the intoxicating aroma of thawing garbage 8. Drug arrests soar as the Yankees return to town 7. Street vendors start selling robin-kebabs 6. Ed Sullivan Theater warms up to a balmy 38 degrees 5. Number of murders committed with snow shovels drops way off 4. All of the rats go down to Florida for spring break 3. Rudy Giuliani has a spring tune-up done to his comb-over 2. New York City cops start wearing nothing but a holster 1. The Mets are mathematically eliminated from the pennant race

Top Ten T.V. Show Warnings - March 19, 1996

10. Fresh Prince of Bel Air -- Prince is no longer fresh after March 15 9. Friends -- These people are richer and better-looking than you'll ever be 8. Almost Perfect -- Show is actually nowhere near perfect 7. The Single Guy -- Because we follow "Friends," we could show cheese for half an hour and still be a hit 6. Murder, She Wrote -- Episode may contain actors you thought were dead 5. America's Funniest Home Videos -- May contain some Canadian and/or Mexican home videos 4. Murder One -- Don't get too attached to this show. It probably won't be around long 3. E.R. -- Odds are one in a million your doctor will look like George Clooney 2. Walker, Texas Ranger -- May contain scenes of Chuck Norris trying to act 1. The Nanny -- Sound of Fran Drescher's voice may cause impotence

Top Ten Construction Worker Pick-up Lines - March 20, 1996

10. People always tell me I look just like Norm Abram 9. Excuse me, would you mind brushing the sawdust out of my back hair? 8. When the jackhammer brakes down, they use me 7. Your skin looks as soft and pink as Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation 6. Ever done it on a pile of rubble? 5. You take my breath away, like that time I passed out in a septic tank 4. Can I borrow that chiffon blouse sometime? 3. I'm 36 years old and I still carry a lunch box -- doesn't that make you hot? 2. If you won't go out with me, Liz Taylor will 1. Kiss me, I'm sweaty

Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch - March 21, 1996

10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism 9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in 8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies 7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name is Steve" 6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it 5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter 4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray 3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head (vt) 2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet 1. Chicken a la Don King

Top Ten Ways to Tell the Show You're Watching Won't Be a Hit - March 25, 1996

10. The actors are holding each other's cue cards 9. Laugh track consists of a guy with a wet, hacking cough 8. You start thinking "maybe I'll go listen to that new Roger Clinton CD" 7. Title contains the words "The" and "Mommies" 6. Actors frequently break character and scream: "Good Lord, does this suck!" 5. The biggest laugh of the night involves a dead chicken in underpants 4. Big purple dinosaur keeps biting the children 3. Skinny gap-toothed host reads lame list 2. Show's premise: man with bionic ass 1. It's on FOX

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards - March 26, 1996

10. Don't forget -- All winners tonight receive free lapdances from the cast of 'Showgirls' 9. If this goes well, I hear they'll offer Whoopi 'Cabin Boy 2' 8. How realistic is that? A movie about a postman and not a single gun in it? 7. I'd stay away from the British beef if I were you, Mr. Ebert 6. 'Dead Man Walking' -- Good title for Letterman's performance last year 5. Real hookers to the left, women playing hookers to the right, please! 4. Run for your life! It's Dean Martin! 3. That talking pig? Charlie Sheen tried to nail it 2. Best Director, Best Picture, Best Actress...Who cares? All Hollywood's really thinking about is what Dave's new set is gonna look like 1. Mira, Meryl -- Meryl, Mira

Top Ten Signs Your Basketball Team Is Not Going to Win the NCAA Championship - March 27, 1996

10. Power forward was featured on Ricki Lake's "Too Fat to Love?" episode 9. Whenever someone does a lay-up, he burns his arm on his cigarette 8. Players always show up at away games exhausted from all the hitchhiking 7. The Las Vegas odds against your team involve the sign for infinity 6. Your center won't stand during the national anthem because he's too drunk 5. The only thing Dick Vitale can say about them is, "These guys got a good grade point average, baby!" 4. Players refuse to guard other team because they're all "sticky and sweaty" 3. Jesse Jackson is protesting against team for being "too white" 2. They pointedly inform interviewers that the correct term is "little people," not "midgets" 1. Starting Center: Roger Ebert

Top Ten Things Bob Dole Could Do to Lose the Republican Nomination - March 28, 1996

10. Change his name to Snoop Doley Dole 9. Campaign slogan: One Foot in the Grave 8. Do "Rolling Stone" photo spread in which he rolls around on a sofa-bed with RuPaul 7. Announce foreign policy founded on "a deep, abiding hate of Swedes" 6. Smoke pot, cheat on his wife, avoid the draft, lie about a real estate deal...wait a minute, that's the other guy 5. Promise to launch tactical air strike against that adorable talking pig 4. End each rally by singing, "What if God was one of us?" 3. New image consultant: the guy who did make-up for "The Birdcage" 2. Open convention speech with, "Orrin, Arlen...Arlen, Orrin" 1. Say hello to my running mate: John Danforth Quayle!

Top Ten Cool Things About Winning an Academy Award - March 29, 1996

10. Don't have to say any of that "it was an honor just to be nominated" crap 9. Blockbuster looks the other way if you don't rewind your videos 8. The back rubs from Jack Palance 7. If you flash the Oscar at the drive-thru window, sometimes the kid at McDonald's throws in a free apple pie 6. Five dollar rebate from participating Sunset Boulevard hookers 5. Statuette makes an ideal blunt object for beating the hell out of pushy photographers 4. Mom can finally stop yapping about how she wishes Tom Hanks were her kid 3. Whenever you're in D.C., the President sends you a steady stream of hot babes 2. Everybody kisses your ass 1. Get to do it with Whoopi

Top Ten Signs Dick Vitale is Nuts - April 01, 1996

10. I like to run through a locker room wearing nothing but a referee's whistle and yelling "Baby!" 9. I keep repainting the roof of my house to match Dennis Rodman's hair 8. Five seconds after my first child was born, I dumped Gatorade on my wife 7. I'm on a strict diet of shoelaces and floor wax 6. I've invited Dave Letterman to host next year's ESPY Awards 5. For a cheap rush, I take hits of stale air from old basketballs 4. My pet project: ESPN 3, a new channel devoted to the coverage of my Rogaine treatment 3. When I make love to my wife, I always go for the three pointer, baby 2. I've referred to everything as baby, except an actual baby 1. Right now, I think I'm whispering!

Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Clint Eastwood - April 02, 1996

10. Those romantic Sunday afternoons spent blowing away punks 9. Satisfaction of knowing you're married to the world's squintiest guy 8. Get to say, "I don't care if you are Dirty Harry -- you track mud onto my carpets and I'll deck you" 7. If marriage doesn't work out, you can count on him for a fistful of alimony 6. Turns out, in all those movies, that wasn't a gun in his pocket 5. His charming insistence that words, "Do you feel lucky, punk?," be incorporated into wedding vows 4. If your pizza isn't there in 30 minutes, the delivery guy is a dead man 3. When he's too tired for sex, he brings in a 24-year-old stunt double 2. No deadbeat in-laws, like Tito Eastwood or Jermaine Eastwood 1. Get to "do it" under every bridge in Madison County

Top Ten Highlights of Hillary's Appearance on Larry King - April 03, 1996

10. The way she kept asking, "I'm not under oath, am I?" 9. After every commercial break, she had a new hairstyle 8. Realization 40 minutes into the show that she was sitting on Ross Perot 7. The mysterious phone call from Vince Foster 6. She kept bragging about Bill's cameo in that Pamela Anderson sex video 5. She wouldn't stop addressing Larry as "suspender boy" 4. Whenever he asked about Whitewater, she said, "No hablo ingles!" 3. Revealed that if she's going to prison, she's taking Fat Boy down with her 2. When Larry gave her $10 thousand on the air and then took it back 1. Larry's first question: "May I marry Chelsea?"

Top Ten Signs Your Brother is the Unabomber - April 04, 1996

10. Whenever they show sketch of Unabomber on TV, he says, "What a good looking guy!" 9. Subscribes to "Dangerously Quiet Loner" magazine 8. Always bragging that he's "bombed more than Joe Piscopo" 7. Even in baby pictures, he's wearing a hood and sunglasses 6. He's a twisted recluse who considers himself above the laws of society -- wait, no, that's Michael Jackson 5. Asks his friends to call him "Una" for short 4. Keeps doing his lame impression of Jimmie "J.J." Walker saying "Dy-no-mite!" 3. He's been trying frantically to get a hold of Johnnie Cochran 2. May 8, 1970: Becky Johnson turns him down for the prom; May 9, 1970: Becky Johnson explodes 1. Favorite cable channel? TNT

Top Ten Demands of the Freemen in Montana - April 05, 1996

10. Media must stop referring to them as "crazed militia-members," and start calling them "wacky-ass inbred psychos" 9. Replace the "toys for guns" program with a "guns for toys" program 8. It sounds incredible, but they want Kraft Macaroni & Cheese to taste even cheesier 7. Four words: more Jane Austen movies 6. Conjugal visits with Attorney General Janet Reno 5. Freeman week on "Jeopardy!" 4. Make Kathie Lee stop yammering on about Cody 3. Destroy the Quiz Machine 2. Five crates of canned food, 30 cartons of cigarettes and the Pamela Anderson sex video 1. When they go to trial, they want that O.J. jury

Top Ten Things a Ballerina Would Never Say - April 08, 1996

10. You gonna finish those cheese fries? 9. I can't get the chewing tobacco stains out of my unitard 8. I'm loopy from all the spinning 7. My dream is to do a ballet version of 'Smokey and the Bandit' 6. Baseball players can scratch themselves. Why can't we? 5. I don't know which I love more -- 'Swan Lake' or Ricki Lake 4. When I have to jump really high, I pretend there's a ferret biting me in the ass 3. I love the Quizstar 5000! 2. Hey girls -- let's go beat the hell outta some opera singers 1. I'll have what Rush is having

Top Ten Questions on the New U.S. Citizenship Test - April 09, 1996

10. Name the fat senator from Massachusetts with the drinking problem 9. Could you fight for this country after hearing the words, "Congressman Bono?" 8. Senor Perot: loco, muy loco or muy, muy loco? 7. Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? 6. True or false: the Constitution guarantees the right to life, liberty and surf-n-turf 5. Would you marry Larry King to get a green card? 4. Would you marry Richard Simmons to get a green card? 3. Which do you prefer: Grand Rapids or Wahoo? 2. Are you willing to "do it" with President Clinton? 1. U.S. _____________________?

Top Ten Signs Your Accountant Is Nuts - April 10, 1996

10. In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars" 9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures 8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote 7. Insists that there's no such number as four 6. He laughed at the Bob Dole background check (I'm sorry -- that's a sign he's hypnotized) 5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents 4. Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically 3. Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek 2. Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant" 1. He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his ass

Top Ten Things Found in the Unabomber's Cabin - April 11, 1996

10. A fridge full of Swanson's "Hungry Psycho" frozen entrees 9. First draft of new CBS pilot, "Kaczynski and Hutch" 8. Every single album, CD or cassette ever recorded by John Tesh 7. Top hat, cane and formal hooded sweatshirt 6. Two-year supply of Mary Kay products 5. A fan letter to Ricki Lake saying simply, "Go Ricki!" 4. Johnnie Cochran's business card 3. Rambling manifesto to "Penthouse" about the time two flight attendants needed help with a flat tire 2. Wacky sign on door: "If this cabin's tickin', better run like the Dickens" 1. Jimmy, the "Unapoodle"

Top Ten Signs I, David Letterman, Am Getting Old - April 12, 1996

10. Flecks of gray starting to appear in my hairpiece 9. Recently broke my hip opening a can of Beefaroni 8. Movie producer told me, "If anything happens to Matthau, you're our next Grumpy Old Man" 7. I'm pretty much winded after I read number seven 6. I look as bad as my accountant, Fred Nigro 5. The old coot in aisle three screamin' about the price of paper towels? That's me 4. Right now, I'm sitting at a Craftmatic adjustable desk 3. At least once a day, I trip and fall and end up with my cane up my ass 2. I'm told Drew Barrymore gave me a present last year, but I don't know what 1. Can't stay up late enough to watch my own show

Top Ten Real Reasons Colin Powell Isn't Running - April 15, 1996

10. Have you ever moved into a house after hillbillies have lived there? 9. Afraid his secret draft-dodging past would be revealed 8. Was under the impression he'd have to marry Hillary 7. Duties as President would take time away from duties as secretary/treasurer of Leonard Nimoy fan club 6. Taking relaxing 2-month vacation on O.J.'s "Search for the Real Killers" 5. Thought it might be fun to sit back, watch Clinton screw up another 4 years 4. Afraid he'd be embarrassed by his deadbeat brother, Roger Powell 3. Would rather get a job Americans still respect 2. Same reason I'm not hosting next year's Academy Awards - the people want Whoopi 1. Five words: "White House Correspondent Sam Donaldson"

Top Ten Lifeguard Pick-up Lines - April 16, 1996

10. The Red Cross has certified me as a fully trained love machine 9. Coast Guard regulations, Miss - I have to inspect you for sand mites 8. I want to be with you tonight - even though you are a plastic CPR dummy 7. If I can't have you, life isn't worth guarding 6. I got something that could use a little resuscitation 5. Will you help anchor my lifeguard tower by sitting on my lap? 4. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you look coughing seawater out of your lungs? 3. Can I buy you a glass of Coppertone? 2. When you press your ear to my shorts, you can hear the ocean 1. Surf isn't the only thing that's up

Top Ten Ways O.J. Is Searching For The Real Killers - April 17, 1996

10. Gets on white courtesy phone at airports, has them page the real killers 9. Elaborate ongoing "sting" operation at Pebble Beach 8. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised to help out their old buddy O.J. 7. Signing autographs for money -- No killer can resist a good autograph signing 6. Dating lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives 5. Offering free upgrade on next Hertz rental 4. Trying to lure them out of hiding with carload of tacos 3. Asked the Menendez brothers to get in touch if they hear anything 2. Before sinking putt, takes a good look in the cup to make sure they ain't hiding there 1. Watching "Real Killer Night" on Jeopardy

Top Ten Surprises in Brett Butler's New Book - April 22, 1996

10. That guy who got Madonna pregnant? He's one of my rejects 9. I was the Unabomber's Mexican pen-pal 8. I got my first break in comedy by sleeping with Pauly Shore 7. At the next Wrestlemania, I'll be fighting Kathie Lee in a steel cage match 6. My book features some of the same recipies as "Home Cookin' with Dave's Mom," $19.95 at bookstores everywhere 5. A couple of years ago, Mia Farrow tried to adopt me 4. I was once arrested for illegally transporting grits across state lines 3. I designed the original prototype for the Slatstar 2000 2. I was briefly married to Tom Arnold before I kicked his ass out 1. Chapter One: "Letterman -- I nailed him!"

Top Ten Madonna's Top Qualifications for the Father of Her Child - April 23, 1996

10. Must win Madonna's "Ultimate Sex Championship" on pay-per-view 9. Has to baby-sit the kid when NBA teams are in town 8. Must provide child with what Madonna never could: a last name 7. The calm demeanor of Sean Penn and the faithfulness of Warren Beatty 6. Able to type 120 words a minute while "doing it" 5. No prior history of stalking her 4. Must get along with the baby's thousand or so "uncles" 3. Willing to be present in delivery room for taping of HBO special, "Madonna Delivers!" 2. Must be able to say "like a virgin" without snickering 1. A pulse

Top Ten Signs Your Television Series is Going to be Cancelled - April 24, 1996

10. TV Guide describes every episode as "same crap as last week" 9. You recently had to start sharing your studio with a Mexican game show 8. According to Las Vegas oddsmakers, show has less chance of coming back than Dean Martin 7. The chief surgeon in your tense medical drama is played by Carrot Top 6. It's called "Those Wacky, Innocent Menendez Brothers" 5. Sunset Boulevard hookers make you pay in advance 4. Title contains any combination of the words "Central," "Park" and "West" 3. Everyone who sees it agrees with the Unabomber that all televisions must be destroyed 2. Your only sponsor: Clogs for Dogs 1. It's not a rip-off of "Seinfeld"

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Jackie Onassis Auction - April 25, 1996

10. Do I hear $2 million for this stack of wrestling magazines? 9. Those high heels were worn by both Jackie and J. Edgar Hoover 8. Sure it's an official White House napkin -- they just called it 'White Castle' back then 7. Oh my God! It's the undershirt he wore in 'Airport '77!' (I'm sorry -- that was overheard at the George Kennedy auction.) 6. Looks like Ted Kennedy's bidding on a coupla hookers 5. I wish Oliver Stone would shut up about his 'second auctioneer' theory 4. There's a guy outside selling JFK's Rolexes for $20 bucks 3. The engagement ring? Big deal -- I just bought Letterman's rake 2. I knew Jack Kennedy's pet monkey. Jack Kennedy's pet monkey was a friend of mine. And that, sir, is not Jack Kennedy's pet monkey 1. Sorry, President Clinton -- his little black book is not for sale

Top Ten Other Great Things About Being Married to the Ketchup King - April 26, 1996

10. Dry tater tots -- never a problem! 9. Get to cruise around in custom-built Buick shaped like giant squeeze bottle 8. That really isn't lipstick on his collar 7. When he dies, you'll make millions auctioning off the ketchup packets from his glove compartment 6. Fifty-seven varieties, if you know what I mean 5. You can legally beat the hell out of anyone who pronounces it "catsup" 4. Automatic invitation to all the White House french fry galas 3. Endless series of hilarious practical jokes where he looks like he's bleeding 2. Loves it when you turn him upside down and slap him on the ass 1. Two words: ketchup jacuzzi

Top Ten New Ford Slogans - April 29, 1996

10. Where there's smoke, there's a Ford 9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately? 8. Forget Chevy -- we've got the real Blazer! 7. Available in original or extra crispy 6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s! 5. Ford, the Unabomber of the highways 4. Quality is job one, putting out the fire is job two 3. Like a rock -- a rock of hot, molten lava 2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and ask, "Where's the fire?" 1. Click...vroom...kaboom!

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Graduate From High School This Year - April 30, 1996

10. Instead of a cap and gown, they give you a McDonald's hairnet. 9. Your final paper in English was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure." 8. Grandma starts affectionately calling you "Lil' Flunkie." 7. Nobody believes pot in your locker was planted by those Whitewater dudes." 6. Your computer teacher discovers your gettin' it on with a laptop. 5. At oral exam, you respond to every question with, "Hey -- I ain't in Mensa, you know!" 4. Your guidance counselor gives you Dr. Kevorkian's number. 3. You constantly neglect your studies to date Woody Allen. 2. Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry you won't be graduating, Kenny." 1. Your combined score on the SAT: 12

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of the Kentucky Derby - May 01, 1996

10. Keeping your horse on a steady diet of bourbon and Cheetos 9. Trying to bet on which horse will make the best glue 8. Running around the infield in nothing but a sash of roses 7. Repeatedly introducing yourself as "Kentucky Herbie" 6. Asking the Governor's wife, "Wanna put me out to stud?" 5. Every ten seconds you wave your ticket and yell, "Bingo!" 4. Your horse's hoofprints are found on Whitewater documents 3. DNA tests prove that your "rare French thoroughbred" is actually a dune buggy 2. Asking "Whose handsome steed is that?" when Janet Reno walks by 1. Strapping a jet engine to your horse's ass

Top Ten Ways Phil Donahue is Going to Spend his Retirement - May 02, 1996

10. Hosting talk show in backyard for the neighborhood squirrels 9. Settling down at a quiet retirement home for Nazis and transvestites 8. Drinkin' Schlitz and watching "Ricki" 7. Same way he spent his career - running through crowds, waving his arms and talking to himself 6. Hangin' around Times Square, charging people 10 bucks a piece to pet his hair 5. Making new exercise video: "Sweatin' with the Skinheads" 4. After all the shows he's done about it, what the hell -- he's gonna have his own sex-change operation 3. Starring on Broadway in a one-man show called "Gingrich!" 2. Dialing up phone sex lines and shouting, "The caller is here!" 1. Divorcing Marlo, marrying Oprah

Top Ten Ways Bill Clinton Could Lose His Lead in the Polls - May 03, 1996

10. Admit to eating 10,000 pages of Whitewater documents 9. Reveal that George Stephanopoulos is actually the third Menendez brother 8. Try getting North and South Korea to make up live on the "Ricki Lake Show" 7. Instead of Montana Freemen, order F.B.I. to launch assault on Morgan Freeman 6. Take his shirt off and play the guitar 5. Have his jogging shorts made at Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshop 4. Start signing all official documents "Cap'n Tubby" 3. Hold lame contest to move nation's capital to Wahoo, Nebraska 2. Declare the opening of Demi Moore's "Striptease" a national holiday 1. Get caught on camera grabbing Mrs. Yeltsin's ass

Top Ten Signs You Eat Too Much Rice-A-Roni - May 06, 1996

10. You can't cross the Golden Gate Bridge without consulting a team of architects 9. You drink a cup of boiling water and expand to three times your normal size 8. You show up at work naked except for a strategically-placed seasoning pouch 7. You get a little visit from a couple of Uncle Ben's goons 6. You just spent $1.7 million for a box of Rice-A-Roni that belong to Jackie Onassis 5. Every Wednesday night you have a small group meeting that begins with someone saying "My name is Bob and I eat too much Rice-A-Roni" 4. When you go swimming in the bay, tourists mistake you for Alcatraz 3. You actually pass up a delicious head of lettuce 2. When you ask hookers for a "San Francisco treat," you really do mean dinner 1. Two words: Giant Ass-A-Roni

Top Ten Our Favorite California Names - May 07, 1996

10. Dick Hertz 9. Phil McCracken 8. Anita Legg 7. Harry Dong 6. George Tittmann 5. Justa Duck 4. Dick Weed 3. Teddy Bair 2. Harry Bush 1. Dick Head

Top Ten Signs Your San Francisco Tour Guide is Nuts - May 08, 1996

10. Locks you in his car trunk and tells you its Alcatraz 9. Gets kicked out of Golden Gate Park for trying to tie-dye a squirrel 8. During walking tour, demands that you carry him up all the hills 7. Keeps saying, "Don't you just Haight Ashbury?" and then laughs until he passes out 6. Asks if you want to see Coit Tower, then drops his pants 5. Instead of cable car ride, shoves you downhill in a shopping cart and screams, "Clang! Clang!" 4. His name is Clint Eastwood 3. Says, "Look what Tony Bennett left in my tour bus!" and holds up a human heart 2. It takes three cops and the entire bakery staff to get his ass out of the sourdough 1. He actually thinks you want to see his 49ers shower curtain

Top Ten Punchlines to Dirty Baseball Jokes - May 09, 1996

10. When he pops one up, he really pops one up Pitcher Doug Creek 9. And she said, 'how do you get it to curve like that?' Shortstop Rich Aurilia 8. Holy Cow, I can't believe it. Another trip to the mound Pitcher Rod Beck 7. That's the biggest strike zone I've ever seen Pitcher Rich Delucia 6. So his wife says, 'It's not a Ball Park Frank, but it plumps when I cook it' Second Baseman Steve Scarsone 5. The last time I caught fungoes, I was in Mexico Pitcher Steve Bourgeois 4. Just pretend you're Bill Buckner, let it go between your legs Rightfielder Dave McCarty 3. All I know is, it had pinstripes Centerfielder Marvin Benard 2. Whoops, I thought you said Orel Hershiser Leftfielder Mel Hall 1. It's not a Louisville Slugger, but keep choking up former SF Giant J.R. Phillips

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Want To Leave San Francisco - May 10, 1996

10. Local cops won't give you speeding ticket if you say you're on a "bad trip" 9. I'm right at the beginning of a beautiful relationship with a loaf of sourdough 8. Hectic New York pace always harshes my mellow, Dude 7. Clint Eastwood might still be in Ed Sullivan Theater 6. Chinatown acupuncturist has to remove the needles from my ass 5. Haven't "poked one out of Candlestick," if you know what I mean 4. San Francisco: Little cable cars climb halfway to the stars. New York: Cab drivers give you the finger 3. That very special friend I made in Alcatraz 2. If I go more than 12 hours without Rice-A-Roni, I start shaking like a Mexican carburetor 1. It's diggety dank!

Top Ten Reasons We're Glad to Be Back in New York - May 13, 1996

10. I really missed everyone in my "Jazzercise" class at the Y 9. Back just in time for New York's hookers' annual "May Madness" sale 8. I promised to help Bernhard Goetz move 7. Lemme tell you somethin', Alfie -- them mini-bar charges sure do add up 6. To put a stop to the crazy guy who keeps breaking into the studio 5. Had to get back in time to do lame "Lookin' for Ebert" skit 4. Madonna and I are starting Lamaze classes 3. Biggest crab at Fisherman's Wharf still smaller than any cockroach in Rupert's Hello Deli 2. I feel a lot safer being in a city where "The Big One" is just a movie in Times Square 1. Polite, courteous, friendly people? Screw that

Top Ten Things Overheard During O.J.'s Trip to England - May 14, 1996

10. They're golf gloves, O.J. They're supposed to be tight 9. You'll only need your passport, O.J., not the fake beard and $10,000 cash 8. So you're also claiming that Mr. Fuhrman planted these mini-bar charges? 7. One adult ticket for the Jack the Ripper Museum, please 6. Let me get this straight: what we call 'football,' you Americans call 'soccer.' And what we call 'guilty,' you call 'not guilty' 5. If I knew it was going to be this chilly, I would have brought my knit cap 4. British Airways lost my luggage -- just like Robert Kardashian did! 3. For the last time, A.C., people here drive on the other side of the road! 2. Bloody O.J. can't bloody get his bloody gloves on! 1. Elementary, my dear Watson...he did it

Top Ten New McDonald's Menu Items for Adults - May 15, 1996

10. Happy Meal with Prozac 9. Anatomically Correct McNuggets 8. Arch Support Deluxe 7. McMetamucil Shake 6. Big Mac served in one of Pamela Anderson's old bras 5. Egg McMuffin with hair plugs 4. Large fries previously owned by Jackie O -- only $145,000 3. Supersize 32-ounce Martinis 2. Victoria's Secret Sauce 1. Quarter Pounder with crack

Top Ten Other Reasons Bob Dole is Leaving the Senate - May 16, 1996

10. Tired of other senators always taking his pulse 9. Landed lead in the new blockbuster, "Even Grumpier Old Men" 8. Microwave in Senate kitchen makes his pacemaker jump like a nervous kangaroo 7. He's finally given up on figuring out what the hell Strom Thurmond is saying 6. Free hookers and booze just don't mean that much anymore 5. Wants to get his share of social security before the whole system goes bust 4. Bob Dole wants Bob Dole to have time for Bob Dole to learn how to use pronouns 3. Since the introduction of the Arch Deluxe, hardly ever leaves McDonald's 2. Wants to devote his full attention to losing to Clinton 1. Really misses grabbing asses with Packwood

Top Ten Manny's Number Ratings - May 17, 1996

10. Dank 9. Dank 8. Dank 7. Diggity Dank 6. Schwag 5. Schway 4. Dank 3. Diggity 2. Diggity schwag 1. Schwag

Top Ten Highlights of O.J.'s Visit to New York - May 20, 1996

10. Kept mistaking New York City rats for his lawyers 9. As tribute to F. Lee Bailey, drank everything in his hotel mini-bar 8. Looked in Yellow Pages under "Real Killers," didn't find any, went golfing 7. To raise money for legal fees, wandered subway stations trying to get shot by Bernhard Goetz 6. Saw movie in Times Square about his trial: "O.J.'s Hung Jury" 5. Killed dozens in Midtown by hitting golf balls off the top of the Empire State Building 4. Went to Macy's and bought a diggity-dank new pair of gloves 3. Registered at hotel under the alias "I.M. Guilty" 2. For hotel wake-up call, asked for three loud thumps on air-conditioner 1. Nostalgic slow-speed taxi ride from the airport

Top Ten Ways to Beat the Heat in New York City - May 21, 1996

10. Get hit by bike messenger; enjoy breeze as you fly through the air 9. Find a nice, shady spot under Al Sharpton 8. Ask cabbie to drive you to airport, then enjoy pleasant side trip through Maine 7. Burrow into one of the thirty-foot high snowdrifts left from last month 6. Go to Times Square and score a crack Slurpee 5. Tie together a few East River mob corpses and go rafting 4. Get shot by Bernie Goetz, sue for $43 million, and buy yourself a bitchin' fan 3. Participate in lame talk-show skit, "May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts?" 2. Go to deli and plant your ass in a freezer full of Chipwiches 1. When Baskin-Robbins guy asks, "Cup or cone?" you say, "In my pants"

Top Ten Ways Dole is Trying to Appear Younger - May 22, 1996

10. Officially named his campaign "Doleapalooza `96" 9. Peppers his speeches with words such as "groovy" and "outasight" 8. At campaign appearances, has Strom Thurmond introduce him 7. Had his entire body rustproofed 6. Stores his dentures in a glass of Red Dog beer 5. Holds a press conference every Friday to talk about last night's episode of "Friends" 4. Told reporters his favorite musician is "Snoopy Dog Dog" 3. Still refers to himself in third person, but now calls himself "Cyber Dole" 2. Claims he lost `92 nomination because he was "too busy sleeping with Madonna" 1. Calls the Senate his "Posse"

Top Ten Least Popular Items for Sale at the Disney Store - May 23, 1996

10. 101 Dalmatians birth control pills 9. Micky Mouse glue traps 8. Fudge-covered Jiminy Cricket 7. Herbie the Love Bug penicillin 6. Home video of Sneezy gettin' it on with a Keebler elf 5. Bambi's Own venison jerky 4. Scratch `n' sniff the "Pirates of the Carribean" 3. It's a Small World boxer shorts 2. Lifesize inflatable Snow White 1. Eurodisney

Top Ten Good Things About Being a Sailor - May 24, 1996

10. You can take a cruise without running into Kathie Lee Gifford 9. All the bilge water you can drink 8. When you call Domino's from the middle of the ocean, they can never get your pizza to you in 30 minutes -- so you always get free pizza 7. You can say "ahoy" without sounding like a total dweeb 6. If you fall overboard, there's a good chance you'll get mouth-to-mouth from one of those Baywatch girls 5. If an old sneaker floats past in the water and you can snag it, it's yours 4. Later this week, we're invading New Jersey 3. White outfits don't show the seagull droppings 2. Unlike those losers in the Army, we don't have to do more before 9AM than most people do all day 1. One word: shuffleboard

Top Ten Mark Fuhrman's Tips On How To Be A Good Cop - May 27, 1996

10. If you run out of blood to plant at crime scene, try jelly donut filling 9. When stuck, just ask yourself, "What would Marge Schott do?" 8. Plant one bloody glove: good; plant two bloody gloves: better; plant three bloody gloves: you're overdoing it 7. Make it your goal to win an MTV Video Award in the category "Most Racist Cop" 6. For a change of pace, make ugly slurs against Belgians 5. Leave Heisman Trophy at crime scene 4. Win back trust of black community by announcing, "That Link on Mod Squad is one happenin' dude" 3. Insist you were talking about "chiggers" 2. After morning of beating up black guys, beat up a Mexican to "cleanse palate" 1. Bill of Rights? More like load of crap!

Top Ten Signs You're Doing business With a Bad Bank - May 28, 1996

10. When you make a deposit, tellers, high-five each other 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English 6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos 2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

Top Ten Reasons Yasir Arafat Will Make A Good Father - May 29, 1996

10. Take an old sock, stuff it with beard clippings and presto - a teething toy 9. Plastic explosives pick up ink better than Silly Putty 8. For show and tell Daddy can help kid build a bitchin' car bomb 7. Frequent skyjackings mean cheap, fun family trips 6. If this Palestinian Presidential thing doesn't work out, he can always support his family by driving a New York City cab 5. Make-shift rattle: Coke can filled with old shell casings 4. If teachers give kid a B-plus, Daddy will torture him up to an A-minus 3. Can teach kid to throw while hurling rocks at Israeli soldiers 2. He's sure winner of parents' day Ringo look-a-like contest 1. P.L.O. discount at desert Toys R' Us

Top Ten Signs O.J.'s Lawyers Have Given Up - May 31, 1996

10. Every couple of minutes, F. Lee Bailey yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" 9. Call recesses to ask O.J. "Got any ideas genius?" 8. Incriminating evidence is held up and they say "Wow! A bloody glove! Cool!" 7. Answer all prosecution objections with "whatever" 6. When O.J. asks how it's going, they chuckle and say, "Promise you won't kill me?" 5. Already begun asking the Menendez brothers how much money they have 4. Just ordered The Juice a custom-tailored Armani suit with vertical stripes 3. Their "Surprise Witness" turns out to be this guy (VT of tattoo guy) 2. Just placed large "no refunds" sign on defense table, facing O.J. 1. Johnnie Cochran frequently gives juror #4 the finger

Top Ten Good Things About Getting Adopted by the Clintons - June 03, 1996

10. Instead of an allowance, you get a slush fund 9. Can tell the other kids, "My Dad's Secret Service agents can kick your dad's ass" 8. Uncle Al Gore always has lots of free time to play 7. You can finally stop working in Kathie Lee's sweatshop 6. Get to hang out with all those pretty "aunts" that Dad keeps bringing by the White House 5. Pillow fights with George Stephanopolous 4. Even if you can't live up to your Father the President, you can always look down on the loser, Uncle Roger 3. Great new excuse: "Mom accidentally shredded my homework" 2. If you get caught smoking pot, just tell Dad you didn't inhale -- what's he gonna say? 1. Every night is McDonald's night!

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Bibi Netanyahu - June 04, 1996

10. Yahu Netanbibi 9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma 8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo 7. Weird Bibi Netanyankovic 6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish 5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi 4. The Unabibi 3. Baby, I'm-a Want You 2. Boutros Boutros Yahu 1. Snoop Bibi Bib

Top Ten Things Bob Dole Has to Do Before Leaving the Senate - June 05, 1996

10. Join Strom Thurmond for one more round of Metamucil margaritas 9. Introduce final bill: "Resolved: Bob Dole is a party animal!" 8. Take advantage of Congressional discount on embalming fluid 7. Shred boxes full of never-sent love letters to Farrah Fawcett 6. Return videotapes he borrowed from Clarence Thomas 5. Disconnect the Clapper from floodlights on Capitol dome 4. Have Senate pages wash and wax the Dolemobile one last time 3. Get a goodbye back rub from Jesse Helms 2. Fulfill 30-year-old dream of running up Capitol steps naked 1. Find his damn necktie

Top Ten New Items from the Kathie Lee Gifford Product Line - June 06, 1996

10. New workout video: "Sweatin' in the Sweatshop" 9. Cody and Cassidy salt `n' pepper shakers 8. Desk calendar with 365 synonyms for "perky" 7. Honduras on 30 Cents a Day guidebook 6. If They Could See Me Now Wonderbra 5. Eau de Frank designer fragrance for men 4. Thousand-dollar lithographs of Cody's adorable crayon drawings 3. Carnival Booze brand malt liquor 2. The Kathie-Lee-Sings-the-National-Anthem car alarm 1. Sweatshop Barbie

Top Ten Summer Fun Tips from the Unabomber - June 07, 1996

10. Light-colored, loose-fitting hooded sweatshirts 9. If you're having trouble lighting the barbecue, try Napalm 8. Many resorts offer fabulous "troubled loner discount packages" 7. Next to your 10 by 12 foot shack, build a 1 by 2 foot guest shack 6. Join your dog for a refreshing flea dip 5. For an extra kick, fill water balloons with nitroglycerine 4. Make your own sunscreen out of swamp water and rabbit entrails 3. Go to beach, make clumsy passes at women, get turned down, plot revenge 2. Properly placed charges can make any rental car a convertible 1. Get wacky new bumper sticker: "Unabombers Do It With a Bang"

Top Ten Least Popular Kellogg's Cereals - June 11, 1996

10. Cap `n Crack 9. Product Eighteen 8. Fruit n' Fibre n' Fire Ants 7. Corn Flakes That Sat in a Warehouse for Two Years 6. Wheat Shredded by Hillary Clinton 5. Snap, Crackle, and Gag 4. Ordinary K 3. Richard Simmons' Fruit Loops 2. Kevorkios 1. Unabran

Top Ten Signs You're Not One of the 25 Most Influential People in America - June 12, 1996

10. You're 50 years old, and you still share a bunk bed with your brother 9. You're the president of "Americans for the Metric System" 8. You actually give birth to a space alien, and the National Enquirer doesn't report it 7. You: "Happy Mother's Day." Your mom: "Do I know you?" 6. You're the host of the show, but everyone calls you "Paul Shaffer's dorky sidekick" 5. The Nielsen company informs you that nobody gives a rat's ass what you watch 4. You can't even get the guy at McDonald's to supersize your meal 3. You're listed in "Who's Not Who" 2. Your best pickup line: "I drive a Ford Fiesta!" 1. You weigh 500 pounds but Richard Simmons won't hug you

Top Ten Signs Boris Yeltsin Has Gone Nuts - June 13, 1996

10. At breakfast, puts vodka on his pancakes and drinks shots of maple syrup 9. Replaced the KGB with the Psychic Friends Network 8. Claims he's the father of Pamela Anderson's baby 7. Whenever he visits the U.S., insists on staying at the MTV Beach House 6. Went to barber with photo of Dennis Rodman and said, "This is what I want" 5. Hired Marge Schott as his new media advisor 4. Responds to all press questions by saying, "No hablo ingles" 3. Cruises for chicks with the preserved body of Lenin 2. Changed name of his party to "Yeltsie and the Blowfish" 1. His running mate: Yakov Smirnov

Top Ten Bill Clinton Summer Plans - June 14, 1996

10. Turn flabby white thighs into flabby tan thighs 9. Fire up barbecue with shredded Whitewater documents 8. Stop flip-flopping on foreign policy and start flip-flopping some burgers! 7. On camping trip, teach Chelsea how to deep-fry marshmallows 6. Enjoy romantic weekend getaway at Hilton Head...then return home to Hillary 5. Check socks for ticks 4. Check Roger for ticks 3. Spend some time at Bob Dole's summer house 2. Request confidential FBI files on entire cast of "Baywatch" 1. Instead of fries with ketchup, fries with sunblock

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn - June 17, 1996

10. He shows up with a pair of manicure scissors and a Ziploc 9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks 8. His nickname: the Unamower 7. On the side of his mower you notice stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats 6. Stops every 15 minutes to smoke some clippings 5. Using your riding mower, leads L.A.P.D. on a three-hour low-speed chase 4. He's always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head 3. He somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus 2. Every week he tries to match your lawn to Dennis Rodman's hair 1. No toes

Top Ten Seattle Supersonics Excuses - June 18, 1996

10. Our uniforms kept getting caught on Dennis Rodman's nosering 9. Can't prove it, but we're pretty sure our basket was a lot smaller than their basket 8. Clinton must have given the Bulls our secret FBI files 7. Still upset about Julie Andrews getting snubbed at the Tonys 6. Uninspiring performance by new cheerleader 5. Whole team still getting over shock that Madonna is having a non-NBA baby 4. Those championship rings are a little fruity 3. If we won, we'd get hundreds of calls from people offering us huge endorsement deals -- what a pain in the ass! 2. Shouldn't have had that halftime pep talk by Dr. Kevorkian 1. Michael Jordan? We thought we were playing

Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could Improve Her Image - June 19, 1996

10. Stop telling the Whitewater prosecutor she's as innocent as O.J. 9. Make White House more eco-friendly by replacing fiberglass insulation with shredded Whitewater documents 8. Series of daring gas station hold-ups across the Midwest 7. Gain sympathy by going public about her addiction to Dramamine 6. Sleep with Yeltsin, weasel all sorts of classified information out of him 5. Go away for about ten to twelve years 4. Become celebrity spokesperson for Sara Lee, because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee 3. Watch what Marge Schott does. Do opposite 2. Change middle name "Rodham" to "Rodman" and dye hair red, white and blue 1. Four words: Hillary and the Blowfish

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Summer Camp - June 20, 1996

10. Every time you complain about being homesick, they make you eat a bottle of Prozac 9. It's located on the median of the Santa Monica Freeway 8. Each cabin is named after a different member of the Van Patten family 7. Bunk beds are all marked "Property of the Serbian Army" 6. The water level in the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet 5. You spend your entire day sewing Nike labels onto pairs of Air Jordans 4. Counselors end up having an 81-day standoff with the FBI 3. Have to toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust pipe of counselor's Buick 2. Introduction to Marksmanship class taught by Lyle and Erik Menendez 1. Camp's Indian name translates to "Land of the Giant Ticks"

Top Ten Signs Arnold Schwarzenegger is Getting Older - June 21, 1996

10. He's been triggering explosions with The Clapper 9. After day of shooting action scenes, entire set smells like Ben Gay 8. Over two dozen times in "Eraser," he says, "You'll have to speak up" 7. Instead of shooting bad guys, challenges them to $10 game of shuffleboard 6. For "Terminator 3," he's been replaced by this guy (roll videotape) 5. Recently switched from steroids to Metamucil 4. Special effects in latest movie provided by Sy Sperling 3. Bulging chest muscles really just a Wonderbra 2. Catch phrase changed from "I'll be back" to "Oh, my back!" 1. His stunt double: Bob Dole

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Team - June 24, 1996

10. Keep accidentally burning your wrestling opponents with your cigarette 9. You need an advanced pulley system to get over the high hurdles 8. When you hear the starters pistol, you ball up like a frightened armadillo 7. To get you to the trials, firemen had to remove the side of your house 6. When you started running the 100-meter dash, Bob Dole was still in high school 5. Boxing opponents get their gloves caught in your stomach 4. You train by standing in front of mirror, trying to smile like Mary Lou Retton 3. Being 35 and still living at home with your parents not yet an Olympic sport 2. When your relay partner tries to take the baton, you shout, "Screw you -- get your own damn stick!" 1. Can't get your ass through the parallel bars

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Psychic Advisor - June 26, 1996

10. At your first session, she asks, "Are you here for a seance or a massage?" 9. Her "crystal ball" has three finger holes in it 8. She helped Larry King pick out his last six wives 7. Says, "You will soon be the victim of a hilarious practical joke," then squirts ketchup on your pants 6. Predicted Letterman would do "just fine" at Academy Awards 5. When you ask her to help you contact the dead, she gives you Keith Richards phone number 4. Answers all your questions with, "Hold on while I ask LaToya" 3. Urges you to get in touch with the "Real Bob" inside you, but your name is Tom 2. For the last five years running, has predicted the Mets will "go all the way" 1. She tells you to marry a tubby, womanizing draft-dodger

Top Ten Ways New York City Cops Are Being More Courteous - June 27, 1996

10. Say "please" and "thank you" when extorting protection money from local merchants 9. New sirens that sound like someone politely clearing their throat 8. In addition to your one phone call, you get a lovely glass of ginger ale 7. New motto: "The criminal is always right!" 6. Before a strip search, they take you to dinner and a movie 5. After kicking in door, they say, "Did we come at a bad time?" 4. With each mug shot taken, you get two wallet size prints 3. Fingerprinting now followed by manicure 2. Instead of, "You have the right to remain silent," "You have no right to look so fabulous!" 1. Three words: pine-scented mace

Top Ten Revelations in the New Tell-All Book About the White House - June 28, 1996

10. Hillary recently signed up for MCI's "Dead Friends and Family" plan 9. Sometimes Bill skips the fries and just starts chugging the Wesson Oil 8. Mattress in Lincoln Bedroom is stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents 7. In secret seances, Roger Clinton seeks advice from the spirit of Billy Carter 6. If re-elected, Bill plans to open a "Hooters" in the West Wing 5. Al Gore had to talk Bill out of awarding Medal of Freedom to creator of the Arch Deluxe 4. Days before Playboy hits the stands, FBI informs President of playmate-of-the-month "turn-ons" 3. Clintons once paid a cable guy $50 to "juice them up" 2. With help of psychic advisor, Bill slept with ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt 1. Bill's original choice for drug czar: Robert Downey Jr.

Top Ten Ways O.J. is Trying to Improve His Image - July 01, 1996

10. Started program to help inner-city kids work on their putting 9. Signed deal with Disneyland to stage Bronco chase every day on Main Street, U.S.A. 8. Working on wacky Kramer-like entrances 7. Spending more than usual 15 minutes a year with his children 6. Making another sequel: "Naked Gun 4: The Confession" 5. Publishing colorful children's book of his alibis called Where's O.J.? 4. Hilarious new stand-up routine: "You might be guilty if..." 3. Now he's just hugging people to death 2. Marketing a line of motivational posters that say, "Cheer Up, Or I'll Kill You" 1. Beginning nationwide "Liarpalooza" tour

Top Ten Things President Clinton Would Do If the Aliens Invaded America - July 02, 1996

10. Lock himself in the bathroom and scream, "Lemme know when the space monkeys is gone!" 9. Introduce himself as "Earth Chief Bubba" 8. Build fortress around White House out of empty Arch Deluxe cartons 7. Dust off the ol' saxophone, soothe aliens with Billy Joel's classic love song, "Just the Way You Are" 6. Book a room at the Marriott so he can get to know the female aliens "on a one-on-one basis" 5. Blind them by reflecting sunlight off his pasty white thighs 4. Throw back a few coldies and let the Air Force figure it out 3. Begin press conference by saying, "Na-noo, na-noo" 2. When alien says, "Take me to your leader," Bill points to Hillary 1. Nail Barbra Streisand one last time

Top Ten Signs Bob Dole is in Bed with the Tobacco Industry - July 03, 1996

10. Posters for his rallies include the line, "Free Marlboros for the kids!" 9. During speeches, pauses every few minutes to hit the ol' spittoon 8. Named his cocker spaniels "Philip" and "Morris" 7. Claims there's no connection between cigarettes and cigarette burns 6. His choice for new head of National Council on Physical Fitness: Keith Richards 5. Campaign ads show him holding a beach ball with caption, "Bob Dole: Alive with Pleasure" 4. He's requested FBI files on everyone who uses "The Patch" 3. In the latest Marlboro billboards, check out the cranky old cowboy in the background 2. His new campaign slogan: "Fogies for Stogies" 1. Has a Joe Camel tattoo on his ass

Top Ten Fourth of July Movies Playing in Times Square - July 04, 1996

10. Picnic in My Pants 9. George, Martha, Thomas and Ernesto 8. Thomas and Ernesto" 7. Washington's Other Monument 6. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming! 5. The Fondling Fathers 4. One if By Land, Two if Bisexual 3. The Slutty Professor 2. Don't Shoot Until You See the Whites of Their Thighs 1. Star-Spangled Hookers

Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Celebrated the Fourth of July - July 05, 1996

10. While watching fireworks, was so overwhelmed with emotion he almost had a facial expression 9. Requested moment of silence for friends he lost at Battle of Bunker Hill 8. Marched in parade wearing Joe Camel costume 7. Got confused, spent all morning hiding Easter eggs for the grandkids 6. Smoked a joint and nailed a campaign worker -- I'm sorry, that's how President Clinton celebrated 5. Every time Newt Gingrich looked the other way, spit watermelon seeds at his head 4. Gathered everyone around the microwave to watch his pacemaker spark 3. Played "George and Martha" with Elizabeth 2. After having a few beers, took out his teeth and played them like castanets 1. Same as always: kegs `n' babes

Top Ten Names for O.J.'s New Restaurant - July 08, 1996

10. The International House of Alibis 9. Planet Brentwood 8. Jacknife in the Box 7. Absolutely, 100% Tasty 6. Ribs `n Fibs 5. Unjust Desserts 4. Kill-Your-Own-Burger 3. Wacko Bell 2. If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Eat It 1. The Lucky Bastard

Top Ten Signs You've Seen `Independence Day' Too Many Times - July 09, 1996

10. Whenever a cloud passes in front of the sun, you scream, "We're all gonna die!" 9. You refer to any car larger than a Miata as "The Mother Ship" 8. You've named your cats "Indy" and "Pendenceday" 7. You always keep one hand on your popcorn so it won't get abducted 6. You demand that the staff of your TV show address you as "Independence Dave" 5. During a job interview, you take off your shirt and say, "See? No tentacles" 4. You decide you're not voting for Clinton or Dole, because neither of those punks can fly an F-14 3. You've built one of those alien death rays to heat up your pancakes 2. Whenever you're about to enter the men's room, you shout, "I'm gonna whup E.T.'s ass!" 1. Your new pick-up line: "Prepare to be probed"

Top Ten Reasons Colin Powell Doesn't Want to be Bob Dole's Running Mate - July 10, 1996

10. His main responsibility would be cutting Dole's food 9. Dole keeps asking him, "How are those wooden teeth working out, General Washington?" 8. Suspects that what Dole is really after is one of his kidneys 7. Has had dozens of conversations with Dole and not once did he understand a word the guy said 6. Wants to devote himself to full-scale invasion of local "Hooters" 5. Dole cuts out of important meetings whenever "Golden Girls" reruns are on 4. Wants to avoid the inevitable headline, "The General and the Geriatric" 3. It's hard to organize your schedule when every other hour is "naptime" 2. Feels uncomfortable when Dole tries to impress him by using terms like "Def Jam" 1. If he wanted to get his ass kicked, he'd be playing for the Detroit Tigers

Top Ten Ways to Make the Dream Team Games More Competitive - July 11, 1996

10. Entire Dream Team required to play in one giant pair of shorts 9. Opposing team gets ten points for each successful dribble 8. New Dream Team head coach: Bob Dole's campaign manager 7. When playing Holland, Dream Team has to wear wooden shoes 6. Before every penalty shot, mandatory shot of tequila 5. Other team gets to use horrible tentacled alien from "Independence Day" 4. Dream Team players must wear Air Jordans on their hands 3. Instead of Dennis Rodman, they have to use this guy [videotape of Paul Shaffer dressed like Dennis Rodman] 2. Replace Charles Barkley with a wet loaf of Wonder Bread 1. New power forward: Richard Simmons

Top Ten Rejected Names for Dennis Rodman's New TV Show - July 12, 1996

10. Dennis Rodman's Def Cross-Dressing Jam 9. Unsolved Wardrobe Mysteries 8. El Programo Del Psycho 7. America's Funniest Head Butts 6. Lois & Clark & Dennis & Madonna 5. Mad About Tattoos 4. Pierce This! 3. Dr. Rodman, Medicine Woman 2. Beavis and Green-Head 1. This Old Hair

Top Ten Signs You're Vacationing at a Bad Resort - July 15, 1996

10. Every few minutes, lifeguard screams and fires spear gun into swimming pool 9. Continental Breakfast is just a glass of water and some Tums 8. After you rent snorkel, you notice your car's radiator hose is missing 7. Every time you leave the hotel, they set up a petting zoo in your room 6. After housekeeper turns down your bed, she tries to turn down your pants 5. At dinner, you have to sign a legal waiver before every bite of food 4. They make you get up every morning at five and make you walk the resort poodle 3. You have to share jacuzzi with a maid rinsing out towels 2. Riding stable consists of a drunk guy who lets you bounce on his lap 1. Nightly entertainment provided by Dr. Kevorkian

Top Ten Highlights of the Doles Appearance on `Larry King Live' - July 16, 1996

10. Bob pulled out his teeth and made them chatter on Larry's desk 9. Due to stagehand screw-up, Bob had to sit in Ross Perot's high chair 8. Turns out Larry and Elizabeth were once married 7. Bob announced keynote speaker for Republican convention: Stuttering John 6. When asked why they've never had kids, Bob said, "Because we've never had sex." 5. Bob kept snapping Larry's suspenders and barking, "Stay awake, punk!" 4. The long rambling phone call from a drunken "Boris in Moscow." 3. Bob ate Larry's tie for the fiber 2. Broadcast ended with Bob and Larry rinsing each other's hair in Grecian Formula 1. While attempting to smile, Bob strained his face

Top Ten Good Things About Being Tall - July 17, 1996

10. Breathtaking view of Marv Albert's hairpiece 9. Something satisfying about knowing I'm exactly twice the height of Ross Perot 8. Thin air around my head gives me a peaceful, woozy feeling 7. I don't know if you know this, Dave, but it's easier to play basketball if you're, like, really tall 6. You can sit behind Don King in the movies and still see the screen 5. Easy to stay awake driving when your head is sticking out of the sunroof 4. You get to go by the deliciously ironic nickname "Tiny." 3. You can hit the big and tall stores with Roger Ebert 2. It's an honor to help President Clinton climb back into the window at 4 AM 1. You can make $14 million a year without switiching networks

Top Ten Ways to Get Yourself Thrown Out of the Olympic Village -July 18, 1996

10. Announce that you're the "Official Crack Dealer of the 1996 Olympics" 9. Ask strangers in the men's room to help you apply your Ben Gay 8. Pierce "Izzy" the mascot with a well-aimed javelin 7. Everytime a Mexican athlete says, "Hola," you cover your ears and yell, "Quit messing with my head, dude!" 6. Drink a lot of iced tea, try to extinguish the Olympic flame 5. At food court, demonstrate your shot-put technique with Swedish meatballs 4. Tell Lithuanian basketball coach that for five grand, you'll "Tonya Harding" the Dream Team 3. Ride elevators naked, claiming that it's the "traditional Greco-Roman way" 2. Have your drug test taken by Robert Downey Jr. 1. Drop your pants and shout, "Time to pass the baton!"

Top Ten Rejected Summer Olympic Events -July 19, 1996

10. The Marge Schott-put 9. Hide the javelin 8. Tackle the French guy 7. Speed blinking 6. Trouser hockey 5. Synchronized shrugging 4. 100-meter dash with a fat guy on your back 3. Female weightlifter mustache tweezing 2. Pantsless pole vault 1. Lookin' terrific

Top Ten Signs Your Local 7-Eleven Manager Has Gone Nuts - July 22, 1996

10. Has named his two children "7" and "Eleven" 9. Constantly mooning his own security camera 8. Sleeps in back of store on a big pile of loose Cheese Doodles 7. Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cut-out of Kathy Ireland holding a six-pack of Bud 6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet he gives you service 5. His freezer case is full of dead woodchucks 4. Operates store two blocks from White House and doesn't sell fries 3. You catch him in front of the microwave with his pants down 2. Cleans assault rifle while grumbling about "Those bastards over at Kwik Mart" 1. He keeps caning the burritos

Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Audience Cheer Wildly - July 23, 1996

10. Hillary Clinton bought cattle futures for everyone! 9. We're raising the temperature in this theater to 40 degrees! 8. Jack Nicholson just caned the Menendez Brothers with a nine iron! 7. We're moving the show to Fox! 6. See that guy sitting in the third row wearing the Chicago Bull T-shirt? Paul Shaffer will now toss him out! 5. You can have all your fancy foreigners, give me the good old USA! 4. Dumb guys have just crowned Dan Quayle as their king! 3. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Regis Philbin in a tank top! 2. Angela Lansbury is having my baby! 1. I'm drunk!

Top Ten Reasons New York City Would Be A Good Place For The `96 Republican Convention - July 24, 1996

10. Constant gunfire will keep delegates from dozing off 9. Crowded sidewalks present an opportunity for Senator Packwood to "accidentally" bump into women 8. Three-quarters of rat population are registered Republicans 7. If hotels are filled up, they can always break into my place 6. Delegates pay no city, state or federal tax on crack purchases 5. Chance to take part in weekly Mets tryouts, maybe become Major League baseball player! 4. Would be fun to watch Dan Quayle trying to figure out a subway map 3. Andrew Giuliani will be away at camp 2. Taxis equipped with heavy duty suspension, which is perfect for driving around Rush Limbaugh 1. Plenty of certified baby-sitters for Reagan

Top Ten Signs The N.Y.P.D. Is Out Of Control - July 25, 1996

10. Besides handcuffs, officers carrying chains and leather whips 9. Many have appeared on both "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted" 8. Emptying service revolvers into donut racks to see which have jelly 7. They drive around Wall Street in a Sherman tank, shooting accountants in the ass 6. We're 20 games into the season and they still haven't arrested a single New York Met 5. Instead of sirens, squad cars now blaring John Tesh 4. From the back they all look like Ebert 3. Any chance they get, they take off clothes and do push-ups (VT of Smits) 2. They spend most of their time frisking themselves 1. Goodbye, uniforms -- hello Batman outfits!

Top Ten Things Overheard at President Clinton's High School Reunion - July 26, 1996

10. More Whitewater Punch, Mr President? 9. President Clinton rubbed up against me. How much do you think I could sue for? 8. Howsabout lowering taxes for your old gym class buddy? 7. So I suggested to the student council: Screw bake sales! Let's just tax the bastards! 6. So, Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996? 5. Screw the deficit -- time to mambo! 4. Well, Mr. Bully isn't so tough now that I control nuclear weapons. Is he? 3. Anybody have any idea what the hell Reagan's doing here? 2. Hey, lard ass. How's that health care crap going? 1. Run for your lives! He's got the saxophone!

Top Ten Rejected New Names for EuroDisney - July 29, 1996

10. Euro Disaster 9. El Biggo Mistake-o 8. Never-Never-Profit Land 7. La Veal de Guys in Big Smelly Costumes 6. Gumpworld 5. Beaucoup de Crap Americain 4. Johnny Depp's Hotel of Destruction 3. Boutros Boutros-Goofy 2. Have-You-Forgotten-We-Saved-Your-Ass-In-The-World-War-Two-Land 1. Ooh-La-Lame

Top Ten Ways to Make World Cup Soccer More Exciting - July 30, 1996

10. Let 'em use their damn hands! 9. Replace ball with round piñata filled with killer bees 8. Put one of them speedin' buses on the field 7. Give one guy on each team a powerful jet pack 6. Have Madonna inflate the ball 5. Three words: naked penalty kicks 4. Instead of 22 players, one ball, one player and 22 woodchucks 3. Make nets out of sexy black lingerie from Victoria's Secret 2. Score a goal, do a shot 1. Losing team executed on "Donahue"

Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names - July 31, 1996

10. Ginger Vitis 9. Stripper Gore 8. Mrs. Charlie Sheen 7. Stanley Cupps 6. Lois the Letterman Look-A-Like 5. H. Rose Perot 4. Sue Dafed 3. Yogi Bare-Ass 2. Nude Gingrich 1. Tammy Lasorda

Top Ten Surprises in Roger Clinton's Book 'Growing Up Clinton' - August 01, 1996

10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the army said, "no, thanks" 9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese outfit 8. He's half Clinton, half Piscopo 7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent three months chasing an armadillo across the Mojave Desert 6. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the reflecting pool 5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump" 4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as "one-term Bubba" 3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance (VT of Kato dancing) 2. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea 1. He voted for Perot

Top Ten Signs It's Spring In New York - August 02, 1996

10. Street vendors change hot dog water 9. Air is filled with 9MM "NYC Hummingbirds" 8. Cab drivers yell "it's a lovely spring day, now get out of the road you stupid bastard!" 7. Crews begin cleaning up litter in Times Square from New Year's Eve 6. Madonna switches from basketball to baseball players 5. More than usual, people are mating in the streets 4. Al Sharpton switches from basketball to baseball players 3. The coffee in stage manager Biff Henderson's head thaws 2. Squirrels in Central Park are no longer storing crack 1. Everywhere you look -- adorable baby rats

Top Ten Signs You've Spent Too Much Time Watching the Olympics - August 05, 1996

10. Last time you blinked was during the Opening Ceremonies 9. You're convinced you see Bob Costas's face in your bowl of oatmeal 8. You just went shopping in Times Square for an inflatable "Izzy" mascot 7. You spent the day in the subway station, scoring turnstile jumpers 6. After sex, you really try to nail the dismount 5. You can't tie your shoes unless there's a crowd around you chanting, "U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!" 4. You paid $40,000 to be named "Official Dork of the `96 Summer Olympics" 3. You still haven't called your wife at the hospital to see how the delivery went 2. You actually bought a John Tesh CD 1. You now have an ass the size of Atlanta

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Campaign Manager - August 06, 1996

10. His advice before every debate: "When in doubt, start weeping" 9. He won't let you appear in public without your KISS make-up 8. His resume includes the names "Dukakis" and "Mondale" 7. He complains that your platform lacks a "pro-Macarena" plank 6. Orders you a new theme song by John Tesh 5. When you're on "PrimeTime Live," he keeps running on camera to swat Sam Donaldson's eyebrows 4. Always asking, "Given anymore thought to Tim Conway as your running mate?" 3. Instead of a "plan for broad tax cuts," he announces a "tax cut plan for broads" 2. Constantly whining to press that you should have been on men's relay team 1. Clinton: necktie. Dole: no necktie. You: two neckties

Top Ten Ways Bob Dole is Preparing for the Republican Convention - August 07, 1996

10. Going into the shop for a pacemaker tune-up and blood change 9. Agonizing over whether he'll support statehood for MichiganDoing one-arm pushups with Jack Palance 8. Same routine every day: wake-up, smoke a few butts, watch a little tube 7. Showing Elizabeth his "platform plank," if you know what I mean 6. Gluing a recently passed kidney stone onto every campaign button 5. Practicing his wacky "Kramer" entrance 4. Supervising the inflation of ten thousand balloons by Dan Quayle 3. Standing in front of the mirror, working on his "acceptance scowl" 2. Two words: Macarena lessons 1.

Top Ten Signs the Scientists at NASA Have Gone Nuts - August 08, 1996

10. In their latest Mars report, the word "Klingon" appears 97 times 9. They claim the alien fossils "taste a lot like chicken" 8. They've been looking for signs of intelligent life among viewers of the "Richard Bey Show" 7. Vicious shouting matches over who gets to be called "Buzz" 6. Chief technician locked himself in bathroom for three days making "rocket fuel" 5. Planning to launch enormous Stridex pad at Jupiter's red spot 4. The "second moon" they discovered turned out to be Rush Limbaugh 3. Believe that their broken soda machine was the doing of meddling "Pluto people" 2. A few of them actually think Bob Dole has a chance 1. They renamed Venus "Planet Hollywood"

Top Ten Least Popular Things to Shout Before Jumping Out of an Airplane - August 09, 1996

10. Goodnight, Mommy! 9. If I don't make it, tell Carol Channing I love her! 8. Heat up the meatloaf, Shirley, I'm comin' home! 7. Oh, no! The in-flight movie stars Pauly Shore! 6. Yo soy muy, muy loco! 5. I think I ate too much of that egg salad! 4. I'm sticky! 3. I'll be doing the world's first mid-air Macarena! 2. See you in Hell, you talk-show dweeb! 1. Oprah!

Top Ten Ways to Get Yourself Kicked Out of the Republican Convention - August 12, 1996

10. Walk around naked except for a strategically placed "Clinton/Gore" button 9. Shout, "The great state of Kansas casts all its votes for Erik Estrada!" 8. Use the first 20 minutes of your speech to call out Bingo numbers 7. Every time you see a Dole poster, say, "I thought he was dead!" 6. Limit delegates to five minutes per speech and two hookers per room 5. Introduce Dole as "El Gringo No-chance-o" 4. Yell, "Clear a path to the buffet table! Limbaugh's coming through!" 3. Surprise Elizabeth Dole with playful yet powerful head butt 2. Announce over P.A. system, "Speaker Gingrich, please meet your gay lover at entrance three" 1. Drink like Ted Kennedy at a Democratic convention

Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Sabotage the Republican Convention - August 13, 1996

10. Empty out convention hall by having Roger Clinton sing national anthem 9. Right before Dole takes the podium, declare full-scale U.S. invasion of Canada 8. Give Susan Molinari government grant to conduct more marijuana experiments 7. Offer to let the Hell's Angels work security for a case of beer 6. Switch Dole's hair dye with Dennis Rodman's 5. Never underestimate the power of a few dozen bad clams 4. Divert media attention by attempting to jump Snake River Canyon in a tricked-up Dodge minivan 3. Blind speakers at podium by reflecting light off his pasty white thighs 2. Replace Dole's acceptance speech with lyrics to the Macarena 1. Somehow get Quayle involved

Top Ten Least Popular Republican Convention Souvenirs - August 14, 1996

10. Bob Dole kidney stone cuff links 9. Gift certificate for free backrub from Newt Gingrich 8. Bath mat made from Charlton Heston's old hairpieces 7. Strom Thurmond's Unbelievably Low-impact Aerobics video 6. The "I Support Bob" Wonderbra 5. Honk if you have a sinking feeling this isn't our year bumpersticker 4. CD entitled "Sounds Bob Dole Makes in the Morning" 3. Sunglasses tinted to make Bob Dole look a little more like Colin Powell 2. Susan Molinari's Cookin' with Pot recipe book 1. Rush Limbaugh's bacon-scented cologne

Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked - August 15, 1996

10. Your mailman, meter reader and gardener are all the same guy 9. You're about to buy a bus ticket and the stranger behind you says, "Aw, can't we go by plane?" 8. You're pretty sure you're not the one who taught your parrot the heavy breathing 7. Twinkie wrappers are all over your driveway in the morning 6. Every night at 11 o'clock, a voice from the linen closet shouts, "Turn on the Seinfeld rerun!" 5. When you bring in your morning paper, the crossword puzzle's already done 4. Four or five times a day, your secretary says, "Stalker -- line one!" 3. When you do "this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people," you count 16 fingers 2. The only way you can lose this guy is to go to a Mets game 1. After you take off your pants, there's still someone else wearing them

Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today - August 16, 1996

10. Maybe I should get me one of them Wonderbras 9. Sonny, Red, help me brush the dirt out of my sideburns 8. This new President and I disagree on a lot of things, but french fries ain't one of them 7. Is there something I just don't get about Pauly Shore? 6. What happened to Ed Sullivan, and who's that dork using his theater? 5. Can I get that Miata in pink? 4. What's my old smokin' buddy Suzie Molinari doin' these days? 3. All you people who thought I was alive this whole time -- you morons! 2. I'd heard Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson, but this guy in the wedding photos is white 1. Bob Dole? Didn't I meet him back when I was dead?

Top Ten Chapter Titles in President Clinton's Book - August 19, 1996

10. 1975-1978: The Puffiness Begins 9. The Oxford Years: Warm Beer and Hot Babes 8. Arch Deluxe: A Grown-up Burger for a Grown-up President 7. Pretending to Care -- The Ultimate Challenge 6. My Favorite Positions -- On Issues That Is 5. How to Turn Pasty White Thighs to Your Advantage 4. I've Never Waffled...Then Again, Maybe I Have 3. Frying vs. Flame Broiling: Where is America Headed? 2. Remember When I Kicked Bush's Ass? That Was Pretty Cool! 1. Please -- Call Me "Tubby"

Top Ten Things Overheard at Bill President Clinton's 50th Birthday Party - August 20, 1996

10. Oh my God -- Janet Reno just popped out of the cake! 9. Look at this cute mug Chelsea gave me: 'World's Puffiest Dad' 8. It's time to play 'Pin the Subpoena on Hillary!' 7. Is that his age or his pants size? 6. I didn't know 'Hooters' had gift certificates! 5. Check it out -- Mario Cuomo is stuffing his pockets with cold cuts 4. I'm sorry, Mr. Stephanopoulos, but you'll have to sit at the kid's table 3. Young lady, how'd you like to come out to the limo and help me solve my mid-life crisis? 2. Thank God there's no lampshade here big enough to fit Ted Kennedy's head 1. He just finished cake number one -- wheel out the backup!

Top Ten Signs Bob Barker is Sick and Tired of Hosting The Price is Right - August 22, 1996

10. After announcer shouts, "Come on down!" Bob adds, "To my own personal hell" 9. Shows up for work hours late with breath reeking of Turtle Wax 8. No matter what the contestant guesses, Bob just sighs and says, "Close enough!" 7. Entire prize showcase consists of a half-eaten ham sandwich 6. He doesn't even bother groping the spokesmodels 5. Spends entire broadcast hiding inside the brand-new washer-dryer 4. Goodbye, Botany 500 suit -- hello, motheaten bathrobe and shower shoes 3. Instead of "It's a new car!" shouts, "It's a piece-of-crap Corolla!" 2. At the end of each show, tells studio audience to go spay and neuter themselves 1. Keeps dropping his pants and yelling, "Bid on this!"

Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Pick-up Lines - August 23, 1996

10. The papers call me 'Dr. Death,' but the ladies call me 'Dr. Love' 9. Can I buy you a cyanide margarita? 8. You are drop-dead gorgeous! 7. I have needs that can't be met by killing people in the back of my van 6. Want to hear about my new suicide technique? Swimming the Hudson 5. You'll never go out with anyone else again 4. My friends say I look like Brad Pitt -- but the probably just say that so I don't kill them 3. If you put a quarter in my suicide machine, it vibrates 2. In my professional medical opinion, you are terminally hot 1. How about a non-lethal injection?

Top Ten Pet Peeves of the World's Wealthiest Man - August 26, 1996

10. Can never get change for a billion 9. Way your kids snicker whenever you say "Money doesn't grow on trees" 8. Demi Moore won't really sleep with you for a million dollars 7. Shoplifting not as exciting as it used to be 6. While making a deposit at the bank, Spike Lee heckles you 5. On birthday, getting yet another "World's wealthiest man" coffee mug 4. There isn't some ultra-expensive top grade of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for the super-rich 3. Always finding Robin Leach passed out in your hot tub 2. Constantly being asked out by Tom Arnold 1. Can't afford Streisand tickets

Top Ten Signs the Manager of Your Local Gap Has Gone Nuts - August 28, 1996

10. On your way into the store, you trip over the acid-washed, sand-blasted corpse of J. Crew 9. Every time you return to the dressing room, he's wearing your clothes 8. Mock turtle necks made out of real turtles 7. His assistant manager is a mannequin 6. Really excited about CBS' new prime time line-up 5. He eats your gift certificate with some fava beans and a nice chianti 4. Declares war on the Banana Republic across the street 3. Has opened a Gap for monkeys 2. Says, "Hi, my name is Gap. Forrest Gap" 1. Makes you try on his pants

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize - August 29, 1996

10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City 9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck 8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water 7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have anything sharp to write them down 6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup 5. For the past 10 years, your thumb has been stuck in a test tube 4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!" 3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer 2. You're known around the university as "Professor Gump" 1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali

Top Ten Dick Morris Excuses - September 02, 1996

10. Shouldn't have listened to new campaign advisor Hugh Grant 9. Was courting the often-neglected "Hooker demographic" 8. After a day of being a two-faced political weasel, a fella gets awful lonely 7. Thought she was just there to show him how to use the hotel's Craftmatic adjustable bed 6. Misunderstood when President Clinton asked him to "poll some women" 5. Didn't pay for sex -- paid for excellent ideas on foreign policy 4. For a brief moment, got confused and thought he was the President 3. Just trying to win key endorsement from Charlie Sheen 2. Used the old formula: Marion Barry and hookers = re-election 1. Always thought it was okay to screw a taxpayer

Top Ten Signs Your Science Teacher is Nuts - September 03, 1996

10. He insists that the Earth revolves around actor Charles Durning 9. Whenever the sun comes out from behind a cloud, he yells, "Supernova!" 8. He's writing a new chemistry text book with Robert Downey, Jr. 7. Claims he can turn gravity on and off by twisting his ears 6. He spends every class screaming in an incomprehensible Scottish accent 5. Demonstrates static electricity by quickly unzipping and zipping his pants 4. His office is wallpapered with nude photos of Madame Curie 3. He prefers to mix chemicals by swishing them around in his mouth 2. For sex education, takes class on field trip to Dick Morris's house 1. Says the "c" in "E = mc2" stands for "carrot"

Top Ten Things Overheard at the MTV Video Music Awards - September 04, 1996

10. Excuse me -- I think my earring is caught in your nose ring 9. I'd like to introduce my father, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Sr. 8. I know he's just trying to attract young voters, but Bob Dole looks pathetic in that KISS makeup 7. Run for your lives! It's the late Dean Martin! 6. How embarrassing -- Jenny McCarthy and Dennis Rodman showed up in the same dress 5. Damn! What's a guy gotta do to get a date with Melissa Etheridge? 4. Please welcome Coolio, Hootie and the Fugees, performing together as The Hoogeeos 3. And the award for Snottiest Little Punks on Television goes...the cast of The Real World 2. Check it out -- Beavis and Butthead just left with Dick Morris's hooker! 1. Coming up next: Madonna gives birth live on stage!

Top Ten Signs Bob Dole is Getting Desperate - September 05, 1996

10. Before press conferences, keeps "forgetting" to put on his pants 9. Reduced his number of daily naps to five 8. Finishes every speech by crushing a beer can on his forehead 7. He's now promising to cut taxes by 115% 6. To appear more presidential, he's been smoking pot and nailing hookers 5. Replaced Jack Kemp with overly-medicated squirrel who operates heavy machinery 4. Keeps breaking into the White House and clinging to the President's chair until security drags him out 3. Challenged Saddam Hussein to a steel cage wrestling match 2. That three-hour daily workout with the Buttmaster 1. Now on his list of crimes punishable by death: the Macarena

Top Ten Ways I, Dave Letterman, Am Celebrating the Late Show's Third Anniversary - September 06, 1996

10. Same as every night: guzzle cooking sherry and watch arena football 9. March into Bloomingdale's and announce, "The toupees are on me!" 8. Dinner and dancing with Dick Morris's hooker 7. Put party hats on my twin Sharpeis, Willie and Waylon 6. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena! 5. Spend entire day alone in bedroom "chilling out" to Pink Floyd 4. Plant a tree for each and every beautiful audience member who has ever graced this fine theater 3. Just for the hell of it, order another bombing raid on Iraq 2. Have a giant "3" tattooed on my ass 1. Smokin', drinkin', scorin'

Top Ten Ross Perot Campaign Slogans - September 10, 1996

10. Perot: He's half Dole's age and half Clinton's weight 9. Don't pronounce the "t," but do pronounce him insane 8. He's small enough to fit through the White House dog door 7. Remember the guy you didn't really want in `92? 6. His ears are big, his skull is thick, and he's a raving lunatic 5. He'll put the deficit on his gold card 4. Make Ross your boss 3. Finally, a man you can trust as far as you can throw him 2. He's as ready as a pregnant armadillo in a burning outhouse 1. Perot: He's crazy for America

Top Ten Signs You've Chosen a Bad Running Mate - September 11, 1996

10. Ends his acceptance speech by declaring war on Hawaii 9. His last job was playing Re-run on "What's Happening" 8. He was once featured on the cover of Outlaw Biker Magazine 7. You're constantly having to slap the Silly Putty out of his hands 6. He can't even score with Dick Morris's hooker 5. During appearance on "Larry King Live," shorts out his microphone by drooling on it 4. He asks you, "Since we're running mates, does that mean we have to, like, do it? 3. Confesses to newspaper that his ultimate goal in life is to "kick ass on Star Search" 2. He's most famous for killing his parents with this brother Lyle 1. His favorite Kennedy: George

Top Ten Signs Your New Fall Television Series Won't Be a Hit - September 12, 1996

10. The writers accidentally named every character "Pedro" 9. Instead of a laugh track, there's an 80-year-old guy clearing his throat 8. On the night of your premiere, Dr. Kevorkian's business goes through the roof 7. It's a reality-based show in which cameras follow retired cops around a golf course 6. You lose in the ratings to a Ross Perot infomercial 5. After Siskel and Ebert watch it, they cut off their thumbs and retire 4. It was originally created to cash in on the Lambada craze 3. USA Today review says, "This show won't last as long as a Tyson heavyweight fight" 2. It's a gritty, realistic police drama in which absolutely no one shows their ass 1. Your network's new slogan: "Mustn't See TV"

Top Ten Titles Being Considered for Anna Nicole Smith's New Book - September 13, 1996

10. How to Bury a Millionaire 9. Where There's a Will, There's Me 8. No, Of Course I Didn't Really Write This Myself 7. Everything I Need to Know I Learned By Reading My Husband's Dividend Statements 6. It's a Wonderbra Life! 5. Buy This Book or I'll Smother You 4. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, My Chest is From a Catalog 3. Days of Discovery: My Years at the Cal Tech Physics Dept. 2. The Scratch and Sniff Book of Really Ancient Dudes 1. A D-cup Bra and an A-cup Brain

Top Ten Shocking Revelations from Sherry Rowlands' Diaries - September 16, 1996

10. She once turned down an offer of two million dollars to sleep with Strom Thurmond. 9. The red phone on the President's desk is a direct line to Pizza Hut. 8. Socks the cat? Gay. 7. When she jumped out of Rush Limbaugh's birthday cake, he ignored her and went right for the cake. 6. Dick Morris used to brag that he actually wrote most of Bill Clinton's letters to Penthouse. 5. She's slept with half the men featured in "What About That Guy?" 4. If Clinton isn't re-elected, he has a secret deal to replace Hasslehoff on "Baywatch." 3. She earned a quick $50 by running her fingers through Sam Donaldson's eyebrows. 2. Every time Dick Morris dropped his pants, she had to sing "Hail to the Chief." 1. As impossible as it seems, she never had sex with Clinton.

Top Ten Items in President Clinton's Medical File - September 17, 1996

10. His small intestine mysteriously bears the "KFC" logo 9. He's the first President with a double-jointed stomach 8. Under "fat to muscle ratio," doctor wrote, "Like, about a zillion to one" 7. Since being elected, he's had three hysterical pregnancies 6. Just lost 20 pounds through strict exercise regimen of constant sex 5. Soreness in lower back from years of flip-flopping 4. He's at the ideal weight for a man who is eight feet tall 3. Pasty whiteness of thighs caused by layers of powered donut sugar 2. Slight abrasions on knees from climbing out of White House window at 3 AM 1. His blood type: A-1

Top Ten Signs the New Trial Isn't Going Well for O.J. - September 18, 1996

10. His new alibi: "I must have eaten a bad clam" 9. He's getting most of his legal advice from old episodes of "Matlock" 8. Strict new judge demanding that this time the jury at least glance at the evidence 7. He's so nervous, he's down to just 36 holes of golf a day 6. His lawyer keeps saying, "If it doesn't fit...Oh, screw it" 5. When the courtroom air-conditioner broke, the judge asked O.J. to go bang on it three times 4. His defense team also thinks Bob Dole has a chance 3. He was heard muttering, "Who do I have to kill to make this thing go away?" 2. Judge asked him, "How do you plead, you guilty-ass bastard?" 1. His new dream team: Jacoby & Meyers

Top Ten Signs You've Been in Space Too Long - September 19, 1996

10. Your entire body is a fluorescent shade of orange 9. You can't wait to get home and see what's happening on the CBS tv show "Central Park West" 8. The last time you changed your space suit, Bob Dole was in high school 7. You find yourself staring directly at the sun for hours 6. You just informed NASA of your plans to do a "Mach 4 Macarena" 5. You and your fellow astronauts just spent the last three months doing each other's nails 4. You've been sitting around so long, your ass is the size of Jupiter 3. You just lost your five millionth game of Tic-Tac-Toe 2. You're getting tired of "tinkering with the Hubble Telescope," if you know what I mean 1. You're so dizzy from weightlessness, you're planning to vote for Perot

Top Ten Things That Cool When Sung by a Barber Shop Quartet - September 20, 1996

10. President Bill Clinton has pasty white thighs 9. You make a very handsome cellmate, Mr. Menendez 8. I'm sorry my Rottweiler threw up all over your Persian rug 7. We've never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever had sex 6. We really hope Drew Barrymore takes off her shirt again 5. Last night we saw a man doing the Macarena so we beat him to a bloody pulp 4. That red-haired announcer is the world's most annoying man 3. Call 9-1-1, someone shot me in the ass! 2. Why are we so happy? Because we're very drunk 1. Hey, everybody, try to guess which one of us is gay!

Top Ten Signs You're Not One of the World's Most Eligible Bachelors - September 23, 1996

10. Every piece of clothing you own bears the Spiderman logo 9. Even on a first date, you make the woman pay her own bus fare 8. The most intimate question a girl has ever asked you: "Would you like fries with that?" 7. The video you sent to the dating service shows you holding up a 7-11 6. Your e-mail address: "www.troubled loner.com" 5. The ladies seem to be frightened off by your nickname, "The Suicide Doctor" 4. You can't walk into a room without someone saying, "Who's frying bologna?" 3. Sy Sperling gets most of his transplant hair from your back 2. Your friends tell you that if you lost 50 pounds, you'd look just like Wilford Brimley 1. Your last three girlfriends have been inflatable

Top Ten Ways President Clinton Has Fun in New York City - September 24, 1996

10. Visits Little Italy and consumes his weight in cannolis 9. Sits in Central Park, feeding shredded Whitewater documents to pigeons 8. Flip-flops for hours on whether to see "Cats" or "Miss Saigon" 7. Plays saxophone at Carnegie Hall, basks in phony applause from lackeys and yes-men 6. Interviews replacement hookers for Dick Morris 5. Nude swimming with Ivana Trump in the Reservoir 4. Goes to Jets game, laughs his ass off 3. Just like the rock group KISS: rock and roll all night, party every day 2. While touring the World Trade Center, joins the "110-Story Club" 1. Spraypaints overpass with graffiti: "D.C. Puffy #1"

Top Ten Signs Your Elementary School Principal is Nuts - September 26, 1996

10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules" 9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with his pet monkey Earl 8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust 7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet blanket 6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets 5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play 4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking textbooks 3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always turns to `Nam 2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the freeway 1. His vice-principal is Pat Choate

Top Ten Signs You're Married to a Spy - September 27, 1996

10. He goes out for a quart of milk; returns weeks later with a tan and a suitcase full of cash 9. During dinner, the butter dish keeps whispering, "Agent 29, come in, Agent 29" 8. For your honeymoon, he took you on a tour of South Korean radar installations 7. You look under the bed and find three midgets in tuxedos 6. When you were naming your child, he kept suggesting "Odd Job" 5. Instead of HBO, you have a direct video hookup to Saddam Hussein's bedroom 4. He's always joking that your meatloaf is "harder to crack than a Pentagon code" 3. Most of your marital spats occur when you forget to tape "Get Smart" 2. Somehow, he always knows to pass the potatoes before you even have to ask 1. You tried to use his ballpoint pen and accidentally shot yourself in the ass

Top Ten Cool Things About Being the Wealthiest Man in America - September 30, 1996

10. Never have to think twice when asked, "You want fries with that?" 9. Your pickup line: "Can I buy you 200,000 barrels of crude oil?" 8. Don't have to wonder if salad shooter really works -- just order one and see 7. You live on a floating island and are served by a race of brave and loyal pelican men 6. Your huge net worth helps take the sting out of the fact that you didn't sleep with a woman until age 39 5. Buying popcorn at the movies? Your lookin' at an extra-large, Chester! 4. Can always win at poker by saying: "I see your ten and raise you 19 billion" 3. When you have to defrost a steak, you hire Cindy Crawford to come over and breathe on it for you 2. You can start referring to the losers you hang out with as your "entourage" 1. Your new pool boy: Ross Perot

Top Ten Ways to Get Dumb Guys to Vote for You - October 01, 1996

10. Spread rumor that your opponent wants to outlaw aerosol cheese 9. Your debate strategy: just keep saying, "Whoa, dude!" 8. Build your campaign around promise to apprehend Lex Luthor 7. Vow to change National Anthem to "Dueling Banjos" 6. When asked why you're qualified to hold office, shotgun a six-pack of Meister Brau 5. Promise to create new cabinet-level position: "Official Bikini Inspector" 4. Without actually coming out and saying it, strongly imply that everyone who votes for you gets a handful of cashews 3. Claim that you and your wife Hillary had nothing to do with Whitewater 2. Your choice for the Joint Chiefs of Staff: the dudes from KISS 1. Promise a 15-percent tax cut

Top Ten Signs You Don't Have a Realistic Chance of Being Elected President - October 02, 1996

10. Your running mate is you in a wig and glasses 9. You've somehow developed a reputation as "the candidate who's always drooling" 8. You're called a "frightening extremist" by Pat Buchanan 7. You spend most of your time in department store windows debating the mannequins 6. You appeared on "Ricki Lake" episode entitled, "My Gay Lover Left Me When I Changed My Sex" 5. Your "campaign headquarters" doubles as your mom's sewing room 4. As a last ditch effort to drum up support, you're riding across America on a giant woodchuck 3. Voters are always asking you, "Can I get a refill on this Big Gulp?" 2. Vegas bookmakers giving better odds that Richard Simmons will become a father 1. Not even your cellmate supports you

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Country Music Association Awards - October 03, 1996

10. Who would have guessed Snoop Doggy Dogg was such a big country fan? 9. Check it out -- Wynonna Judd just rode in on a horse, and Brooks just rode in on Dunn! 8. Waylon, I had no idea Peter Jennings was your twin brother 7. Run for your lives! It's the ghost of Minnie Pearl! 6. Miss Parton, mind if I rest my drink here for a second? 5. I can't believe it -- David Lee Roth has reunited with the Oak Ridge Boys! 4. That usher -- isn't he Billy Ray Cyrus? 3. Who do you think is going to win for `Best Song About Getting Drunk and Kicking a Tractor Tire?' 2. The security around here is tighter than Dwight Yoakam's pants 1. Shania, Wynonna; Wynonna, Shania

Top Ten Ways Clinton is Preparing for the Debates - October 04, 1996

10. Engaging drive-thru guy in heated "Big Mac vs. Arch Deluxe" debate 9. Examining "Happy Days" reruns to see how the Fonz stayed cool under pressure 8. Pulling strings to make sure audience is full of "chicks" who "want him" 7. Memorizing every word of "Stairway to Heaven" in case he runs out of stuff to say 6. Changing daily routine from: smoke pot, nail hookers, to: nail hookers, smoke pot 5. Visiting retirement homes and picking fights with old guys 4. Renting the hilarious video: "Dorf on Presidential Debates" 3. Growing his sideburns and dusting off the ol' sequined jumpsuit 2. Practicing being persuasive by explaining to Hillary where he was last night at 3 AM 1. Working on his big comeback line, "Now hold on there, grandpa!"

Top Ten Ways to Make the Next Presidential Debate More Exciting - October 07, 1996

10. Wire candidates up to machines so home viewers can give them electric shocks 9. In hard-rocking grand finale, Bob Dole reunites with Van Halen 8. Candidate who best defends his tax plan gets a dinette set 7. New rule: two go in, one comes out 6. More questions about lesbians 5. Give candidates choice of five podiums, one of which will explode 4. Instead of responding to tough question, candidate may elect to receive powerful head-butt from Jim Lehrer 3. Bring back the "Solid Gold" dancers! 2. Moderator required to end more questions with phrase, "You hillbilly bastard" 1. When things get boring -- turn loose the gators!

Top Ten Signs You're Being Robbed By a Dumb Guy - October 08, 1996

10. The knife he's wielding bears the "Nerf" logo 9. Takes your wallet, then just stands there admiring your family snapshots 8. Despite the fake afro, it's perfectly clear that he's beloved actor Dick Van Patten 7. Gives you a phone number where he can be reached if you happen to come across any more cash in the next few days 6. Allows you to videotape him if you promise he'll be on "Cops" 5. Claims he has a gun in his pocket, but he's naked 4. Asks if he can use you as a reference for his next robbery 3. After surprising you at ATM machine, spends 40 minutes trying to guess your PIN number 2. His getaway plan: drug Gavin MacLeod and ride the "Love Boat" to Guam 1. Bets all your money on the Jets

Top Ten Surprises in the Vice Presidential Debate - October 10, 1996

10. Kemp wouldn't stop asking Gore for a cabinet position in the new Clinton administration 9. Gore hammered a loose podium nail with his forehead 8. Kemp constantly referred to people from the inner cities as his "homeys" 7. Admiral Stockdale wandered across stage shouting, "Who am I? Why am I here?" 6. Gore responded to attacks on Clinton's ethics by saying, "Take it easy, dude, he'll be in jail by December" 5. Jim Lehrer's surprisingly moving rendition of "Old Man River" 4. Kemp promised Baltimore that he'll send that 12-year-old Yankee fan to prison 3. Kemp's hair announced that it will run for President in the year 2000 2. Candidates greeted each other with handshake, handshake became hug, hug became longest kiss in TV history 1. It turns out a few people actually watched the damn thing

Top Ten Reasons Bob Dole Should Be Elected President of the United States - October 11, 1996

10. He'll cut your taxes 15%, and he'll cut your lawn, too 9. Our dog, Leader, is much better at "Stupid Pet Tricks" than Clinton's cat, Socks 8. Dole and Kemp are two four-letter words you can teach your children 7. President Dole would make Dave's mom a White House correspondent 6. They'll be no more Big Macs at White House state dinners 5. White House Chiefs of Staff will be Sirajul and Mujibur 4. No more hog calling at the annual White House Easter Egg roll 3. State of the Union message will be more exciting because you never know if Bob will stage dive and surf the crowd 2. President Dole will pardon all gap-toothed talk show hosts for speeding tickets in Connecticut 1. Read my lips: no more Macarena!

Top Ten Signs Your Wrestling Coach is Nuts - October 14, 1996

10. Every time he shows you a hold, you notice he has one less finger 9. He orders wrestling outfits from Victoria's Secret 8. He teaches you a hammerlock involving a real hammer 7. Once a week, he says "The uniforms are in the wash. We'll have to wrestle naked" 6. He's hoping and praying there will be a "Biodome" sequel 5. When he demonstrates a hold, he says, "Pretend you're Siegfried and I'm Roy" 4. Compulsively refers to himself as "the most powerful man in American broadcasting" 3. Refers to voices in head as "my tag team partners" 2. His "secret wrestling move:" tickling 1. His TV is always on CBS

Top Ten Things The Pope Likes About New York - October 15, 1996

10. Cab rides great chance to practice his language skills 9. Strangely fascinating to see so many commandments being broken at once 8. Bootleg tapes of "Sister Act 2" 7. Area football teams provide plenty of opportunity to pray 6. Helps you envision the concept of "hell" 5. That nice Catholic talk show host Conan 4. Chance to visit old teachers at Wilfred Academy of Beauty 3. A geniune Rolex for ten bucks? It's a miracle! 2. Giants Stadium nachos are sinfully delicious 1. Four words: "Cats" -- now and forever

Top Ten My Secretary's Complaints About Me - October 17, 1996

10. The way I'm always borrowing her white-out to paint my fingernails 9. My strict "no talking" policy during "The Montel Williams Show" 8. Having to feed the squirrel that lives in my hair 7. I'm just too damn goofy-lookin' to take seriously 6. Every morning from 8:00 to 10:00, it's ping-pong with Ms. Carol Channing 5. The unbearable stench of Vicks' Vaporub and cheddar cheese 4. About three hundred times a day, I buzz her on the intercom and shout: "Breaker 109, good buddy" 3. When I'm out of town, I have that woman break into her house 2. I frequently walk around the office in nothing but a Menendez wig 1. The daily canings

Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Could Still Win the Election - October 21, 1996

10. New slogan: "Vote for Dole, Get a Free Blueberry Muffin" 9. Challenge Clinton to a winner-take-all game of "Yahtzee" 8. Convince the boys in Van Halen to put aside their differences and start crankin' out some more bitchin' tunes 7. Work around the clock to win endorsement from that hilarious "Kramer" guy 6. Release DNA test proving that he fathered Madonna's baby 5. At each campaign stop, strip down, oil up and shoot a few Mr. Universe poses 4. Replace Jack Kemp with the lovely Yasmine Bleeth of "Baywatch" 3. Brag to newspapers, "Hey, at least I'm not as bad as the Jets!" 2. Act more presidential by stuffing his face with french fries and nailing Barbra Streisand 1. Two words: mass hypnosis

Top Ten Ways President Clinton Could Still Lose the Election - October 23, 1996

10. End every speech by shouting, "Let's give California to the Belgians" 9. Hire new campaign manager: Michael Dukakis 8. Appear on CNN giving back rubs to Saddam Hussein 7. Agree to "spot" Bob Dole two hundred million votes 6. Announce his plan to raise taxes 30% and spend all the money on hookers and Cheetos 5. At final rally, surprise walk-on by the Menendez brothers 4. Replace entire National Guard with New York Jets defensive line 3. Reveal he's already arranged a date with Madonna's baby for the year 2014 2. Former White House physician publishes tell-all book about his pasty white thighs 1. New campaign slogan: "I'm only in it for the chicks"

Top Ten Ways Bob Dole Can Get Ross Perot to Drop Out of the Election - October 24, 1996

10. Threaten that if he doesn't drop out, he'll never see his imaginary friend Larry again 9. Arrange for debate between Perot and a crate of angry wolverines 8. Try the old classic: "I'll drop out if you drop out" 7. Mesmerize him with a shiny object, then shove him into a meat locker 6. Create new cabinet position: Secretary of Pint-Sized Nutcase Billionaires 5. Give him a delicious cashew -- then say, "No more cashews until you drop out" 4. Offer to fix him up with a hot Republican babe like Jeane Kirkpatrick 3. Promise he'll not only cut Perot's taxes, he'll also cut his hair every day for a year 2. Drive him to Tijuana, get him drunk, ditch him 1. Just ask him -- no one can resist that famous Bob Dole charm!

Top Ten Ways I, David Letterman, Will Spend My Extra Hour This Weekend - October 25, 1996

10. Get caught up on my refrigerator-repair correspondence course 9. Interview potential nannies for Madonna 8. Write another cranky letter to CBS begging them to bring back "Barnaby Jones" 7. Two words: step aerobics 6. The same as every Saturday night -- get it on with Joan Lunden 5. Enjoy the "Dick Clark Rockin' Daylight Savings" special 4. Take time to stop, sit back and really contemplate how much the Jets suck 3. Answer mail from pen pals, Lyle and Erik 2. Knock back a few dozen espressos and chase squirrels around the yard 1. Fertilize and mulch my hairpiece

Top Ten Ways New Yorkers are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory - October 28, 1996

10. Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams baseball bats 9. Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice 8. Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic lifesize statue of Cecil Fielder 7. All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position 6. Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees 5. Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're #1!" fingers 4. Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover 3. Cast of "CATS" ending every show by scratching themselves 2. Two words: Pinstriped hookers 1. Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves - October 29, 1996

10. He charges you by the leaf 9. Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake 8. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them 7. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline 6. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?" 5. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch 4. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial 3. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay" 2. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous for those "Home Alone" movies 1. His motto: rake a leaf, do a shot

Top Ten Signs Bob Dole Has Given Up - October 30, 1996

10. His latest fund-raising pitch: "Help me retire comfortably" 9. He's doubled his number of daily naps to 12 8. Just canceled a huge rally in Omaha to watch a "Home Improvement" rerun 7. Allowed himself to be photographed standing with Newt Gingrich 6. He's become much more open about his homosexuality, his alcholism, and his belief in flying saucers 5. Doesn't have another smile scheduled until January `98 4. Attended Halloween costume party as Michael Dukakis 3. Even though it alienates many voters, he's been delivering all his speeches in the form of "gangsta rap" 2. When he falls of the stage, he just lies there 1. His new campaign slogan: "Hey America -- bite me!"

Top Ten Halloween Movies Playing in Times Square - October 31, 1996

10. Ride My Broomstick 9. Return of the Trouser Mummy 8. It's the Great Pumpkin, Divine Brown! 7. Frankenstein Meets the Swedish Exchange Student 6. The Aliens From `Independence Day' Doin' It! 5. Jack O'Lapdance 4. Friday the 13th Part 7: Jason Comes Out of the Closet 3. I Was a Teenage Werewolf Hired By a Wealthy Widow to Do Some Yardwork 2. Tom Brokaw's Halloween Sexfest 1. Poltergeist In My Pants

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool With a Boston Accent - November 01, 1996

10. My trousers are full of chowder. Ladder 17, Lieutenant Mike Walsh 9. We're only here for the beer. Ladder 16, Thomas Blake 8. I'm going to Worcester to buy a toaster, you bastard! Engine 53, Kevin Hoer 7. Last night I went to `Cheers' and the bartender didn't know my name, so I broke his jaw. Ladder 29, Eddie Monroe 6. Letterman parked his car in Harvard Yard after doing 120 MPH on the Mass Pike. Ladder 4, Kevin McCarthy 5. I had an affair with that old guy from Pepperidge Farm. Engine 48, Troy Osgood 4. `The Bar' is wicked bizarre. Engine 10, Barbara Marrotta 3. Clark the aardvark went to the park after dark and drank Cutty Sark. Ladder 24, Sean Ingram 2. Clark the aardvark went to the park after dark and drank Cutty Sark with Marky Mark. Engine 33, Pat Ellis 1. Don't believe Madonna -- I'm the baby's father. Rescue 2, Richard Besse

Top Ten Lines You'll Never Hear Me, Mel Gibson, Say in a Movie - November 03, 1996

10. I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a nasty case of kilt rash 9. Sure I'll apprehend those drug kingpins -- right after I finish this yummy peach cobbler 8. Hey Vern 7. The ransom is two million dollars? Screw it -- just keep the kid 6. I can't shoot him, damn you! I have carpal tunnelsyndrome! 5. Pleasure to meet you, President Dole 4. G'day mate, my name is Crocodile Dundee 3. Do you think these new slacks make my ass look huge? 2. You might look like a man, but you kiss like a woman 1. That Letterman fella sure is one good-lookin' son-of-a-bitch

Top Ten Last Minute Bob Dole Promises - November 04, 1996

10. Vote for Dole, get one of his old kidney stones 9. As soon as he's president, he'll order bombing runs over Ross Perot 8. He'll guarantee funding for studies on how to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese even cheesier 7. He'll flood the state of Kentucky and turn it into a bitchin' water park 6. If you want to sleep with Claudia Schiffer, he'll make it happen 5. He'll give all press conferences without his teeth -- just for laughs! 4. First 100 Dole voters get a free "Grand Slam Breakfast" at the Russell, Kansas Denny's 3. He'll hold Gingrich's arms behind his back and offer every American a free punch 2. He'll build a bridge to the 21st century and then promptly fall off of it 1. Four years of the oldest, crankiest bastard in U.S. history

Top Ten Things L.A. Dumb Guys Say - November 05, 1996

10. This sunblock tastes funny 9. If Disneyland works here, it'll work in France 8. Let's have James Caan on the show--he'll be great! 7. If you give me a canned ham, I'll take off my pants 6. Welcome to the program, my name is Dave Letterman 5. It's the big one! It's the big one! Oh, wait a second--I'm sitting on the washing machine 4. I sure did like seein' Dave arm wrestle that giant squirrel (Video of Dave wrestling a giant squirrel) 3. How the hell am I supposed to solve the puzzle, Pat, with all them letters missin'? 2. Don't worry, Lyle -- They'll never suspect us 1. How do you spell L.A.?

Top Ten Ways President Clinton Celebrated His Victory - November 06, 1996

10. Kissed three different Domino's delivery guys on the lips 9. Accidentally launched a few cruise missiles at France 8. Made Al Gore carry him around the Rose Garden on his back 7. Called White House locker room to congratulate himself 6. Got together with Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and polished off a case of Meister Brau 5. Just before NASA's new Mars probe was launched, he spraypainted "Bubba Rules!" all over it 4. Enjoyed a relaxing soak in a tub full of mayonnaise 3. Went "off the record" with Lesley Stahl, if you know what I mean 2. Phoned Bob Dole, asked to speak to "the President of Loserville" 1. Ran up and down Capitol Hill shooting six-guns and yelling "Yee-haw!"

Top Ten Bob Dole Excuses - November 07, 1996

10. Shouldn't have taken time away from campaign to father Madonna's baby 9. Thought the election was "best out of three" 8. Campaign was sabotaged by elves and leprechauns working for Perot 7. Should have promised a sixteen percent tax cut 6. Turns out Americans actually like having a pot-smoking, womanizing, draft-dodger in the White House 5. Campaign manager was distracted by his other job -- head coach of the New York Jets 4. Every fast-food worker in the country automatically voted for Clinton 3. Should have never described Kemp as a "great kisser" 2. Many ballots misspelled his last name as "O-L-D-E" 1. In retrospect, was a mistake to be a cranky old bastard

Top Ten Questions I've Always Wanted to Ask the President - November 08, 1996

10. Have you ever seen Strom Thurmond naked? Jane Robelot, co-anchor, CBS's This Morning 9. Mr. President, are you aware that for a quarter more, you can supersize those fries? Wolf Blitzer, CNN senior White House correspondent 8. Are you sure you didn't have anything to do with Madonna's baby? Fred Barnes, The McLaughlin Group 7. As leader of the Free World, can you do something about Richard Simmons? Greta Van Susteren, co-host, CNN's Burden of Proof 6. As leader of the Free World, can you do something about Letterman's hair? Michael Kinsley, editor, Slate on-line magazine 5. Are you going to buy a retirement gift for David Brinkley? Frank Sesno, CNN vice president, Washington bureau chief and co-host of Late Edition 4. Have you ever met Batman? Cokie Roberts, ABC News Special Correspondent 3. Will you please tell us once and for all -- is Perot nuts? Sam Donaldson, co-anchor, ABC News' Primetime Live 2. Why is it that you're always jogging, but you never seem to lose any weight? Helen Thomas, UPI White House bureau chief 1. Does being President help you get a better table at Hooters? John McLaughlin, host, The McLaughlin Group

Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses - November 11, 1996

10. He isn't used to fighting for more than 37 seconds at a time 9. Was still emotionally fragile from seeing the new Streisand movie 8. Should have waited until after the fight to fill up on rich, chocolaty Ovaltine 7. His cut man: Dr. Kevorkian 6. Instead of giving advice between rounds, trainer tried to give him a lap-dance 5. Thought it would be easy to pound the crap out of any guy named "Evander" 4. Should have found more challenging sparring partner than Angela Lansbury 3. On a dare, he went the entire 11 rounds with an angry ferret in his trunks 2. Just seconds before fight began, received a stunning electric jolt from Don King's hair 1. Turns out he wasn't ready to rumble

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Just Won the Lottery - November 12, 1996

10. You stop by one morning and find him asleep in a pile of loose fifties 9. He's got a standing order with the Home Shopping Network for "one of everything" 8. You see his ten-year-old in the driveway playing one-on-one with Charles Barkley 7. Always super-sizes his McDonald's order whether he's hungry or not 6. He's gone from betting $50 against the Jets to betting $50,000 against the Jets 5. Has his pizza delivered by Mr. Domino himself 4. He took down "Neighborhood Watch Zones" signs and put up "Happenin' Rich Dude Zone" signs 3. Shows up at PTA meetings dressed like that little "Monopoly" guy 2. Cruises around town in a Lexus full of Solid Gold dancers 1. His six kids have been renamed 4, 17, 26, 39, 41 and 54

Top Ten Signs You've Been Kidnapped by a Dumb Guy - November 13, 1996

10. He puts his return address on the ransom note 9. Instead of tying you up with a rope, he decides to go with velcro 8. He's demanding $2 million in unmarked million dollar bills 7. Did extremely poorly on Jeopardy's "Kidnapper Week" 6. He keeps calling you "Evander" and asking you for a rematch 5. He's your Grandpa Kenny, and he hid you behind a sofa in the family room 4. He lets you borrow his phone, as long as it's a local call 3. He keeps referring to a dog-eared copy of "Kidnapping for Dummies" 2. When your parents ask for proof you're alive, he sends you home to tell them 1. Plans to bet ransom money on the New York Jets

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Is Preparing for Fatherhood - November 14, 1996

10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp 9. Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito" 8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child" 7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter 6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet 5. Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the baby 4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to act normal 3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex 2. Having the same test done on himself 1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house

Top Ten Our Favorite Illinois Names - November 15, 1996

10. April Showers 9. Rob Banks 8. Tim Burr 7. Harry Pitts 6. Peter Bumpass 5. Michael Jordan 4. Dick Long 3. Dick Short 2. Dick Hair 1. Minnie Cocke

Top Ten Ways O.J. Simpson Is Raising Legal Funds - November 18, 1996

10. Taking job as the new celebrity spokesman for Ginsu 9. Auctioning off a bunch of new and barely-used alibis 8. Producing novelty Christmas CD: an Akita barking to the tune of "Jingle Bells" 7. Pre-selling the TV movie rights to his next murder 6. Betting everything he's got against the New York Jets 5. Working afternoons as world's scariest shopping mall Santa 4. Making plans to kill all of America's top professional bowlers, then enter the $1 million Goodyear invitational 3. Teaming up with the folks at Butterball to sell "Thanksgiving turkeys slaughtered by O.J. himself" 2. Releasing new country and western ballad, "I Confess...To Loving You" 1. Freelancing for Dr. Kevorkian

Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble in Michael Jackson's Marriage - November 19, 1996

10. Their plastic surgeons aren't speaking to each other 9. She's constantly screaming, "You're no Tito!" 8. She's filed a restraining order to make him "cut out that Moonwalking crap" 7. Her parents just found out that Michael Jackson used to be black 6. She's discovered that he's not exactly a "Thriller" in the sack 5. They're always fighting over the mascara 4. When he removed his surgical mask, she said, "Michael Jackson? I thought I was marrying Michael Jordan!" 3. They just can't agree on whether to raise their child as a freak or a weirdo 2. Sign on her bedroom door says, "Neverland" 1. She's started dating O.J.

Top Ten Surprises in Kato Kaelin's Testimony - November 20, 1996

10. Testimony was given under the influence of styling mousse vapors 9. One time at a party, he saw Robert Shapiro slow-dancing with Johnnie Cochran 8. Name "Kato" is actually Cherokee Indian word meaning "freeloading goofball" 7. O.J. called him every week from prison to make sure he was taping "Blossom" 6. Fake beard in Ford Bronco was actually one of Letterman's old hairpieces 5. O.J. once asked him, "If you commit murder, do they take away your Heisman Trophy?" 4. O.J. was so distraught over the killings, he kept missing really easy putts 3. Kato asked the judge, "Mind if I, like, crash here in the witness box for a coupla weeks?" 2. Says he's still not sure if O.J. did it, but the guy can make a "killer" omelette 1. Fifteen hours of testimony and not a single verb

Top Ten Things Overheard During Clinton's Visit to Australia - November 21, 1996

10. G'day, Tubby! 9. That Clinton bloke does more flip-flopping than a drunk platypus! 8. I'll take two dozen Quarter Pounders with Vegemite 7. Isn't it cute -- that kangaroo's carrying George Stephanopoulos around in her pouch! 6. Mr. Clinton forgot his passport. Will his Hooters" V.I.P. card do?" 5. The President says he'd like to meet some `Aborigine chicks' 4. You're right, sir. That boomerang does look a little bit like a giant french fry 3. No, Mr. President, I'd rather not see your `land from down under' 2. Okay, I know `Foster's' is Australian for `beer,' but what's Australian for `hooker?' 1. Oh my God! He just ate a koala!

Top Ten Good Things About Being a Senior Citizen - November 22, 1996

10. The three Ms: Mahjong, Metamucil, and Matlock! 9. When you're on a Carnival Cruise and Kathie Lee starts singing, you can turn off your hearing aid 8. Instead of tipping waiters, I just tell them they can have my car when I die 7. It's easy to annoy young people. Step one: get in car. Step two: turn on blinker. Step three: leave it on for 50 miles 6. The early-bird special at Hooters 5. You can say whatever the hell pops into your mind. Waffles! 4. Once you hit 70, you start to look damn good in polyester! 3. My new bridge partner: Bob Dole 2. Social Security will be bankrupt in 50 years and guess what -- we don't care! 1. You're lookin' at a guy who's nailed all the Golden Girls

Top Ten Signs a Space Shuttle Astronaut is Too Old - November 25, 1996

10. Refers to Shuttle as "that dang horseless space carriage" 9. Navigational system always getting thrown off by his Miracle Ear 8. Says he remembers when NASA was just three drunk guys and a case of dynamite 7. Won't stop asking how weightlessness is affecting his combover 6. At press conference, promises to "point the big guns at Russia and blow Stalin to the moon" 5. Keeps insisting that he has to go shovel coal into the engine 4. Whenever someone's about to go on a space walk, he makes them put on a sweater 3. When aliens take over the Shuttle, he just starts showing them pictures of his grandkids 2. His teeth keep floating out of his mouth and orbiting his head 1. He has the launch mechanism hooked up to "The Clapper"

Top Ten Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts - November 26, 1996

10. Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?" 9. Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy" 8. Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants 7. Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the processing plant 6. When you ask, "How often should I baste it?" he says, "Are we still talking about the turkey?" 5. Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the damn thing explodes 4. Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours 3. Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear it as a hat 2. Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat 1. He tells you to go stuff yourself

Top Ten Clinton Family Thanksgiving Traditions - November 27, 1996

10. Stuffing the turkey with shredded Whitewater documents 9. Bill filp-flops for hours over whether he wants white meat ordark meat 8. They break the wishbone, and Hillary wishes to stay out ofprison 7. George Stephanopoulos scampers around under the table begging forscaps 6. After the meal, the President unbuttons his pants, and also thoseof several female staffers 5. At least a dozen people pass out from too much "HillbillyPunch" 4. They fill the Oval Office with mashed potatoes, and Bill has toeat his way out 3. Instead of slaughtering the turkey, they have Al Gore bore it todeath 2. At about 3:00 a.m., Bill places a call to "The Happy PilgrimEscort Service" 1. They all thank God they're not the Doles

Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies Playing in Times Square - November 28, 1996

10. Butter Balls 9. 101 Norwegians 8. Thanks! Thanks! Oh God, Thanks! 7. Bob Hope's All-Star Celebrity Thanksgiving Sex Fest 6. That's Not a Wishbone, But Don't Stop Pulling 5. That's Not a Turkey, But Don't Stop Basting 4. These Jokes Aren't Great, But Don't Stop Laughing 3. The Right Stuffing 2. Three Men and a Baster 1. That Ain't Gravy!

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much - November 29, 1996

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net 9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams 8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps 7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker 6. Strangers keep addressing you as "Mr. President" 5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read "Good Lord!" 4. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock 3. People keep looking at you and saying, "I thought the Macy's Parade was over" 2. Your relatives can't go home because they're stuck in your gravitational field 1. You're sweatin' gravy, my friend!

Top Ten Rejected Freedom Airlines Slogans - December 02, 1996

10. Come take a ride on a flying ashtray! 9. Remember: You can't spell `tarmac' without `tar'! 8. If this sounds like a good idea to you, then you're just the kind of loser we're looking for! 7. Every meal prepared by the loving hands of a creepy humanoid camel! 6. Soon we'll have gambling and hookers! 5. Will that be smoking or chain-smoking? 4. Fly the phlegmy skies! 3. Oxygen masks -- never had `em, never will! 2. If he were still alive, the Marlboro Man would have flown with us! 1. Kids cough free!

Top Ten Things Overheard in Santa's Workshop - December 04, 1996

10. Whose tiny fingers are these in the table saw? 9. The Keebler Elves? Yeah, making cookies...there's a tough gig 8. Hey, Santa, it's Anna Nicole Smith on the phone for you 7. You know Rudolph's `naturally red nose'? Collagen injection 6. Uh-oh -- looks like fat boy drank his lunch again 5. Shut down the assembly line for the `Central Park West' action figures 4. Which gifts should we plant at O.J.'s house? 3. Whew! Mia Farrow sure has a lot of kids! 2. Someday I'm gonna make it outta here, just like Ross Perot did 1. It may be jiggling like a bowl of jelly, but it ain't his tummy

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot - December 06, 1996

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, what's this gizmo do?" 9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up 8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet" 7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap 6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!" 5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!" 4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform 3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh" 2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport 1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves - December 09, 1996

10. Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin 9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it 8. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted" 7. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal 6. That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president 5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School 4. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes 3. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from `Nam 2. Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?" 1. Two words: lap rash

Top Ten Rejected Holiday Specials - December 10, 1996

10. Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem 9. A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson 8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!" 7. A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family 6. The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus 5. Christmas at Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life 4. Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas 3. Skunk `n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta 2. The President Who Ate Christmas 1. Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus This Year - December 11, 1996

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future" 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips 7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet" 6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times 1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage - December 12, 1996

10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students 9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear" 8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed 7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie 6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve 5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey 4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom 3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee 2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace 1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

Top Ten President Clinton's Holiday Fun Tips - December 13, 1996

10. Instead of tinsel, try some shredded Whitewater documents 9. Hang Paula Jones's stocking by the chimney with care 8. At White House Christmas party, offer the ladies a tour of your "South Wing" 7. Dress George Stephanopoulos and Robert Reich in elf suits and make them fight to the death with golf clubs 6. On Christmas Eve, you can pay hookers with frankincense and myrrh 5. Impress friends by inhaling an entire gingerbread house from across the room 4. For a big laugh, sing, "Don we now our gay apparel" while pointing at Barney Frank 3. It's a Wonderful Life: much more entertaining if you're stoned 2. If you have sex on the roof, you can tell your wife that the noise was just Santa's reindeer 1. Go cruisin' for chicks with Skeeter and Snake

Top Ten Signs Your Mailman Has Been Working Much Too Hard - December 16, 1996

10. Announces that he just married a sheet of Marliyn Monroe stamps 9. It's been over three weeks since he cleaned his gun 8. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but bubble wrap 7. Announces his new system: reach into his bag, and whatever you can grab is yours 6. He's stopped having sex with half the housewives in the neighborhood 5. Just sits on the curb, tearing pages out of a "Victoria's Secret" catalog and eating them 4. He's been leaving most of the driving to his pet monkey, Earl 3. His wife complains that in the bedroom, he's not exactly "Mr. Zip" 2. Claims he's Elmo; demands that you tickle him 1. Walks down the street shouting, "Lick this!"

Top Ten Elf Pick-Up Lines - December 17, 1996

10. All day I make toys -- all night I make love 9. Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees? 8. We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle 7. That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there 6. Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay 5. One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel 4. Why, yes -- I am George Stephanopoulos! 3. I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only Jewish elf 2. Not everything about me is tiny 1. That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling

Top Ten New York City Holiday Traditions - December 18, 1996

10. Instead of wearing turbans, cabbies gift wrap their heads 9. A guy comes down your chimney with a big sack and steals your stereo 8. Fake Rolex salesman starts offering fake frankinscense and myrrh 7. Shady guy ringing bells for something called the "Salvation Navy" 6. Times Square hookers offer free tickle to anyone named "Elmo" 5. Al Roker and Willard Scott's tinsel-eating contest 4. On every corner, a pants-less Santa inviting you to sit on his lap 3. The mayor shoplifts an apple from a deli, puts it on top of a Christmas tree 2. Drug dealers sell Yule logs made of crack 1. Everyone smiles and says "Happy Holidays" before giving you the finger

Top Ten Ways I, Dave Letterman, Am Getting Ready for the Holidays - December 20, 1996

10. Renewing Mom's yearly gift subscriptions to the wrestling magazines 9. Calling Home Shopping Network, ordering one of everything 8. Making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions 7. Eating my weight in figgy pudding 6. Shopping like crazy for my two lovely children, Cody and Cassidy 5. Sitting on the lap of every old bearded guy I see 4. Deciding whether to get earmuffs or cufflinks for Snoop Doggy Dogg 3. Rehearsing my hilarious "Rappin' Rudolph" routine for the office Christmas party 2. Dusting off my festive tinsel hairpiece 1. Shopping at "The Gap for Gap-Toothed Dorks"

Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Carols - December 23, 1996

10. Elmo roasting on an open fire 9. Come on it's lovely weather for a lap dance together with you 8. Every Christmas my uncle Louis throws up in the kitchen sink 7. I'm addicted to nasal decongestant 6. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a restraining order 5. May we see Richard Simmons, bite Santa's arm again 4. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, probably `cause we're all so full of gin 3. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to tell your parents you are gay 2. Hillary, Hillary, you're lucky you're not in prison 1. Joy to the world, their season's done, the Jets can lose no more

Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square - December 25, 1996

10. The Stocking Stuffer 9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer 8. Live on Stage! Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It! 7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the `D' Train 6. Up Santa's Chimney (Santa storms out of theater) 5. Miracle on 69th Street 4. Frosty the Butt Man 3. Rotating Pies (roll footage) 2. The Nutcrackers 1. That Ain't Egg Nog!

Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House on Christmas Day - December 26, 1996

10. Hey Gore -- more gravy at Table 3! 9. Come to the window, Bill -- the carolers are singing the McDonald's jingle 8. Doesn't Stephanopoulos make a cute little elf? 7. Call 911! The President's got a gingerbread house lodged in his throat 6. It's my two favorite reindeer: Prancer and Lap-Dancer 5. Keep Ted Kennedy away from the ornaments -- after a couple of martinis, he thinks they're candy 4. What a thoughtful gift -- you had all my subpoenas framed! 3. Daddy, I know it's you behind that beard -- you're too fat to be Santa 2. I can tell the President didn't get what he wanted because Hillary's still here 1. Bring on the Yuletide hookers!

Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents - December 27, 1996

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q-Tips" 9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper 8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps 7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney 6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap Bastard" 5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the Home Shopping Network 4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford 3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam 2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed 1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad New Year's Eve Party - December 31, 1996

10. Champagne is just a mixture of 7-Up and malt liquor 9. To beat the traffic, most people leave when the countdown is "6" 8. At the stroke of midnight, everyone starts doing their taxes 7. You're pretty sure the drunk next to you is the late Guy Lombardo 6. Everyone has to be back in their own cells by 10:00 PM sharp 5. It's just you and the automated time-telling lady on the phone 4. Everyone's speaking whatever language "Auld Lang Syne" is 3. At midnight, your host turns to his girlfriend and screams, "Helen! Release the iguanas!" 2. Passed out in the onion dip is Robert Downey Jr. 1. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena!
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