Letterman's Top 10 - 1999
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Top Ten Things Overheard in Times Square - January 01, 1999

10. "Attention; Please - for your safety; vomiting is restricted to 43rd Street only." 9. "It's so cold the rat on my donut just froze." 8. "Wasn't it nice of that man to park our car for us?" 7. "I hear that one of the Giants wide receivers offered to drop the New Years ball." 6. "Of course the countdown confuses me -- I went to a New York City public high school." 5. "1999 is only a half hour old and already I've been groped, mugged, and pistol-whipped." 4. "Who knew Mayor Giuliani could look so cute in a diaper and top hat?" 3. "If only there were some sort of cheap novelty hats available." 2. "Dick Clark says there are a lot more people than were here for the 1899 drop." 1. "Thank God we're not at home watching Letterman."

Top Ten New Slogans For Dunkin' Donuts - January 04, 1999

10. "Time To Make You Naseous" 9. "The Donuts That Squeal When You Eat Them" 8. "Have You Ever Seen A Mouse Eating A Donut? It's Adorable" 7. "Exterminate Your Hunger!" 6. "Free Thermos With Every Dead Mouse Carcass You Find" 5. "If You Don't Want Mice, Then Ask For Donuts With No Mice" 4. "Free Donuts If You Don't Sue" 3. "The Mice Eat The Grease--Leaving The Healthy Part For You!" 2. "I Guess This Isn't The Time To Tell You What That 'Time To Make The Donuts' Guy Does To The Dough" 1. "Food, Folks, And Fur"

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Elizabeth Dole - January 05, 1999

10. Thanks to pouches in her cheeks, can go 6 months without eating. 9. Was one of the original "gorgeous ladies of wrestling." 8. The real reason she left the Red Cross? Caught stealing gauze. 7. If elected, she would be America's first female President since Warren Harding. 6. In "Star Wars" trilogy, she was the actor inside Chewbacca suit. 5. Once took a sledgehammer to a rented minivan because it didn't have enough cup holders. 4. Remember Kool and the Gang? She was "Kool." 3. Runs on 4 D-cell batteries. 2. Under court order to remain at least 100 feet away from Pierce Brosnan at all times. 1. Is actually Bob Dole's daughter.

Top Ten Depressing Thoughts Your Dog Has - January 06, 1999

10. "I haven't felt as attractive since that doctor surgically removed my sex organs." 9. "Oh god, he's going to make me chase that damn frisbee again." 8. "I'm 63 years old and my name is 'Waffles'." 7. "What if the computers at Alpo can't handle the Y2K bug?" 6. "If I ever catch the idiot who invented 'fetch' I'm gonna bite his arm off." 5. "You're serving me Cycle 5? Oh, just put me to sleep already." 4. "How would he like it if I called myself Snoop Humany Human?" 3. "Maybe 'CATS' is 'now and forever'." 2. "Adam Sandler makes $20 million a film and I'm drinking out of a toilet." 1. "Ted Danson has another series?"

Top Ten William Rehnquist Pickup Lines - January 07, 1999

10. "How 'bout we go back to my place and watch some videos Clarence Thomas lent me." 9. "You won't believe how long I can sustain a motion." 8. "Let's just say I'm part Oliver Wendell Holmes, part John Holmes." 7. "Counselor, please approach my pants." 6. "Wanna see my judicial branch?" 5. "The definition of justice: me getting to spend the night with you." 4. "I've just written a brilliantly-argued majority opinion and I don't think I should be alone tonight." 3. "You be Judge Judy, and I'll be Wapner..." 2. "He might be the leader of the free world, but I can put his ass in jail." 1. "I rule you going home by yourself unconstitutional."

Top Ten Ways The NBA Can Get Their Fans Back - January 08, 1999

10. If fans don't buy tickets, Shaq makes another movie. 9. 40% more groin pulls! 8. Once a week let a fan choke Latrell Sprewell. 7. Find a way to give that Michael Jordan guy a little more exposure. 6. If the players really are in it for the love of the game, pay the fans millions of dollars and let the players shell out 75 bucks a night. 5. Players go to homes of season ticket holders to change out-of-reach lightbulbs. 4. If the ball goes out of bounds, everyone in the stands gets a cookie. 3. Here's a thought--how 'bout someone other than the Bulls winning once in a while? 2. Replace the Knicks with the Jets. 1. 10 cheerleaders, 9 uniforms.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In a Huddle- January 11, 1999

10. "Is that your femur sticking out?" 9. "Immigration just hauled off our kicker." 8. "I haven't been this drunk since college." 7. "Hold me." 6. "I think you're using my mouthpiece." 5. "Uh oh! Here come those pre-game nachos!" 4. "A little lower...ah, that's it." 3. "Did I show you guys the complete line of Amway products yet?" 2. "Did anyone lose a tongue?" 1. "You think that's a groin pull -- take a look at this."

Top Ten Least Valuable Sports Memorabilia - January 12, 1999

10. Meatball sandwich John Madden couldn't finish because of the flu. 9. Autographed photo of the guy who invented "The Wave." 8. Hot dog containing bits of Triple Crown winner Secretariat. 7. Mark McGwire's 70th foul ball. 6. Receipts from Babe Ruth's hookers. 5. Lawn gnome from Tonya Harding's trailer. 4. Brian Boitano's sizzling south Miami Beach vacation photos. 3. Human head used by Iraqi national soccer team as practice ball. 2. Knick cheerleader outfit containing Patrick Ewing's DNA. 1. Carmen Electra.

Top Ten Upcoming Stories on 60 Minutes II - January 13, 1999

10. "How To Prevent Your Corduroys From Making That 'Whoosh' Sound" 9. "Michael Jordan: Will He Retire This Year?" 8. "Girlfriend, You Think You're All That, But You Need A Makeover!" 7. "AJ: Far and Away, The Cutest Backstreet Boy" 6. "CBS Ahead In The Ratings -- We're Supposed To Believe This Crap?" 5. "1,001 Years and Counting: Is America Ready For Y3K?" 4. "An Old Segment On The 'Where's The Beef?' Lady That 60 Minutes Never Used" 3. "The Truth-Distorting Bastards Behind Dateline NBC" 2. "Furbys: The Alien Master Race That's Enslaving Our Children" 1. "Lesbians! Lesbians! Lesbians!"

Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Football Jokes - January 14, 1999

10. "No--I said, 'Look at the size of Mike Ditka'." 9. "Next time, moisten the needle before inflating." 8. "Is this enough for a first down?" 7. "She thought it was Jimmy Johnson's hair." 6. "I don't gamble, but that's one hell of a spread." 5. "For god's sake, don't spike it!" 4. "Dick Butkus." 3. "Amazing how he went from a quarterback to a halfback to a fullback." 2. "And then the Oiler nailed the Cowboy from behind." 1. "He was caught Keyshawning his Johnson."

Top Ten New Slogans For The NBA - January 15, 1999

10. "With Michael Jordan gone, maybe your team will have a chance to win" 9. "You never know who Dennis Rodman is going to marry next" 8. "We've added a third basket for more scoring" 7. "We all just lost a lot of money, so please tip your point guard" 6. "What else are you gonna watch -- hockey?" 5. "A lot like the WNBA, but with men" 4. "Please watch our games so we don't have to get real jobs" 3. "Who knows, maybe one of our players will become Governor of Minnesota" 2. "Some arenas are now selling nachos for under $20" 1. "More millionaires in shorts than at a Microsoft company picnic!"

Top Ten (The No Topic Top Ten List) - January 18, 1999

10. "Show me the monkey!" 9. Richard Simmons' oil steward. 8. Instead of "Frasier," the show would be called "Zach." 7. Two words: Tiara rash. 6. "Run for your lives -- it's Viagzilla!" 5. He takes your temperature with his finger. 4. "Did somebody say Mick Fleetwood?" 3. Now available in chocolate, vanilla, and lesbian. 2. Goodbye, Ginger Spice -- Hello, Lewinsky Spice! 1. "Oh my god, they killed Kenny G.!"

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Nicknames - January 19, 1999

10. The Wacky Iraqi 9. Puff Baghdaddy 8. Iraqi Balboa 7. Jerry Husseinfeld 6. Psycho Spice 5. Leonardo Iraqio 4. The Desert Poodle 3. The Iraqi George Steinbrenner 2. Saddamica Lewinsky 1. The Baghdude

Top Ten Changes They're Making To Sesame Street - January 20, 1999

10. Steinbrenner buys neighborhood and moves it to Jersey 9. In a very special episode, Grover develops a severe case of static cling 8. Instead of the letter "B," show now brought to you by Budweiser 7. Oscar the Grouch has new roommate in garbage can: Tony the Mob Corpse 6. Bert dumps Ernie for a massage therapist named Rico 5. Bill Gates comes on to teach kids the number 55 billion 4. You know that counting Vampire? He and Buffy start getting it on! 3. Newest furry creature -- Willie Nelson 2. Big Bird launches rap career -- changes name to Notorious B.I.G.B.I.R.D. 1. Goodbye Jimmy Smits -- hello Rick Schroeder

Top Ten Paula Jones' Lawyers Excuses - January 21, 1999

10. Got tired of being paid with cases of hairspray. 9. We're not actually lawyers, just really big fans of "Ally McBeal." 8. Bad idea to have Paula try on that glove from the O.J. trial. 7. Jacoby pulled his weight, but Meyers sucked. 6. We're pretty sure Bubba banged the judge's gavel, if you know what we mean. 5. That smooth-talkin' hillbilly's got everyone hornswoggled. 4. Forgot to cover up Paula's "Show me the money" tattoo. 3. El Nino blew away dozens of crucial documents. 2. Who can concentrate on all those dull legal papers when Jerry Springer is on? 1. Frankly, we're not very good lawyers.

Top Ten Sumo Wrestler Pick Up Lines - January 22, 1999

10. They call me 'Don Juan in diaper'. 9. I'm a 400 pound hunk of burnin' love. 8. Let's enjoy the traditional Japanese custom of gettin' it on. 7. Wanna wrassle? 6. I may look tubby, but I got an ass like a jackhammer. 5. People say I look like a young Paul Newman. 4. Wanna do it with a fat guy? 3. I'm 3 percent muscle, 50 percent fat, and 100 percent sex machine. 2. You can be on top. 1. I've got Mount Fuji in my pants.

Top Ten Other Names For Paul Shaffer's Baby - January 25, 1999

10. Cheech 9. Felicity 8. Tax Deduction 7. Morley Shaffer 6. I-Already-Have-More-Hair-Than-My-Father Shaffer 5. Latrell Spraffer 4. Paul 2.0 3. Rupaul Shaffer 2. Jesse "The Baby" Ventura 1. Oops!

Top Ten Questions Submitted By The Republicans - January 26, 1999

10. In 10,000 words or less, what is your definition of sex? 9. Seinfeld retired...Michael Jordan retired...can't you take a hint? 8. Is there any way you could get N'Sync deported? 7. What's it like to kiss a girl? 6. If Air Force One is traveling 3,800 miles from Washington to Paris at a speed of 600 mph, how long will it take before you hit on a flight attendant? 5. How the hell did the Falcons make the Super Bowl? 4. You really couldn't do any better than Monica? 3. Do you deny denying your earlier denial about denying lying under oath? 2. So--are you done ruining the whole damn country yet? 1. How the hell did you get elected?

Top Ten Most Popular Shows at the Vatican - January 27, 1999

10. "Friends...Of The Lord" 9. "World's Scariest Popemobile Chases" 8. "Kids Say The Darndest Things and as a Result Go To Hell" 7. "Platonic Love Boat" 6. "Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee" 5. "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch Who Was Burned At The Stake" 4. "Beverly Hills IXOCCX" 3. "Everybody Loves Praying" 2. "Virgin Mary Tyler Moore" 1. "M*A*S*S"

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Super Bowl Party - January 28, 1999

10. Only snack is a tattered pack of lemon-honey throat lozenges. 9. The TV is off, the disco is blaring, and everybody's wearing leather. 8. Host serves the sandwiches by hiking them between his legs. 7. You know that eye black the players wear? They're serving it on Wheat Thins. 6. You spin a bottle and have to make out with Dan Dierdorf. 5. They run out of Buffalo wings and start serving Rochester wings. 4. No Broncos fans; no Falcons fans; only Cher fans. 3. Host can't go out for more beer because of his electronic ankle bracelet. 2. There's an angry Jets fan chanting four-letter words other than J-E-T-S. 1. You bet on the Falcons.

Top Ten Fun Things To Yell While Sliding Down A Fire Pole - January 29, 1999

10. "It's hosin' time!" 9. "Bladder infection." 8. "Why are we rushing? It's only Letterman's house." 7. "Last one to the fire truck has gotta clean the dalmation." 6. "I love friction." 5. "Quit playing games with my heart." 4. "Geraldo." 3. "Stairs are for cops." 2. "If it wasn't for this, I'd have no sex life at all." 1. "You've got pole."

Top Ten Words That Kind Of Rhyme With Elway - February 01, 1999

10. Elyaw 9. Ebay 8. Cel-ray 7. Who Goes Looking For Hookers The Night Before The Super Bowl-Ay? 6. Ellen Gay 5. El Wayne Newton 4. L. Ron Hubbard 3. Old Guy 2. Elewinsky 1. Cluster/Horseradish (tie)

Top Ten Things Overheard Outside She's All That - February 02, 1999

10. "I didn't like it that much -- she only seemed 'some that'." 9. "At first, I thought, 'She's none of that,' but by the end, I had completely changed my mind." 8. "Oh -- I misread the title -- I thought it was 'She's All Hats'." 7. "My favorite part was when Stella got her that back." 6. "Can you please refund 'all that' money I spent on this piece of crap?" 5. "I haven't seen so much that since That Thing You Do." 4. "I'm thinking of taking 'that' lessons at night school." 3. "I can't wait for the sequel -- She's Even That-ier." 2. "I heard they shortened the title from She's All That Eight Hollywood Scriptwriters Could Come Up With." 1. "I thought the 'all that' meant we'd see her naked."

Top Ten Divas Or Presidential Skin Conditions - February 03, 1999

10. Shania 9. Mariah 8. Rosacea 7. Erykah 6. Eczema 5. Celine 4. Gangrene 3. Blotchy Periodic Discolorations 2. Cher 1. Sheryl Crow/Crow's Feet (tie)

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans - February 04, 1999

10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns" 9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long" 8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?" 7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign" 6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife" 5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job" 4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!" 3. "From Perjury To Albany" 2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It" 1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

Top Ten Duties Of The Miss America Pageant Runner-Up - February 05, 1999

10. Sandlbasting mascara off Miss USA winner. 9. Attending ticker-tape parade for Atlanta Falcons. 8. Waiting for inevitable moment Miss USA is publicly disgraced in sex scandal. 7. Serving as U.S. ambassador to Babeland. 6. Screening all phone calls to Miss USA from President Clinton. 5. Substituting for Miss USA whenever she is feeling sub-perky. 4. Posing for that photograph that comes in new picture frames. 3. Help Miss USA whenever she has to do some heavy tweezing. 2. Marrying Larry King after he divorces Miss USA winner. 1. Turning the lights out when pageant is over.

Top Ten Historical Inaccuracies in The 60's - February 08, 1999

10. U.S. wins Vietnam War, thanks to General "Stone Cold" Steve Austin 9. Bob Dylan referred to as "that guy whose son is in The Wallflowers" 8. N'Sync were never at Woodstock 7. 1968 Chicago riots not prompted by Michael Jordan's retirement 6. Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were not, "Yo, check it out, Buzz -- this is phat." 5. Timothy Leary's motto was not "Tune in and turn on NBC's Must-See Thursday!" 4. That whole subplot of Lyndon Johnson getting his groove back 3. Strom Thurmond was in his 90's, not his 80's 2. My mom was never in the Chicago Seven, she was in the Black Panthers 1. President Richard M. Dawson

Top Ten What Dumb Guys Think 'Y2K' Is - February 09, 1999

10. That adorable little robot from "Star Wars." 9. The main ingredient in Slim Jims. 8. Something Robert Downey Jr. smokes. 7. The all girl version of N'Sync. 6. Nickname of Dallas Cowboys linebacker Ray Whytwokayowicz. 5. What today's episode of "Sesame Street" was brought to you by. 4. I don't know, but I think Puff Daddy produced his album. 3. That stuff in Chinese food that makes you sleepy. 2. The average chest size of a Hooters' employee. 1. That annoying song by the Village People.

Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV - February 10, 1999

10. Angels Shouldn't Go Around "Touching" Anyone 9. Mister Rogers' sissy loafers 8. "Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane" are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian 7. Bastards at MTV didn't even look at my "Road Rules" audition tape 6. If you don't pay the bill on time, Playboy channel gets all fuzzy 5. Fox won't even consider "World's Wildest Baptism Accidents" 4. History Channel only presents negative aspects of Spanish Inquisition 3. I'm busting my ass on public access while some joker in a glass church is getting Super Bowl numbers 2. Why don't Scully and Mulder "do it" already and get it over with 1. Dick Van Dyke

Top Ten Least Popular Self-Help Books - February 11, 1999

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire" 9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell 8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair" 7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room" 6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow" 5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook" 4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula" 3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You" 2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village" 1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

Top Ten Valentine's Day Plans For This Guy (Late Show Audience Member) - February 12, 1999

10. Send dozen roses to that gay Teletubby 9. See how long he can run around naked with bow and arrow before he's arrested 8. Five words: "'The Waterboy' for one, please" 7. Find out which friends are going out on dates -- rob their apartments 6. Finish application to become Hillary Clinton's intern 5. Send annual box of chocolates to original cast members of "Star Trek" 4. Hang around dressing rooms at The Gap, hope a door accidentally swings open 3. Quiet, romantic dinner with this guy (shot of Richard Simmons) 2. 5-minute "date" with whoever's on cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue 1. Eat vanilla cake frosting out of can until he passes out

Top Ten Thoughts That Cross Your Mind When Driving 200 MPH - February 15, 1999

10. "Oh my god, the bag of groceries is still on the roof." 9. "Wonder if I could make it over to Wendy's drive-thru and back and still win?" 8. "Just a little bit faster, and I'll be home in time for 'Felicity'." 7. "Lap 168--yeah, this isn't getting old." 6. "In the words of the great Winston Churchill, 'I'm haulin' tail now, sister!" 5. "Oh great, the only tape I have is Lionel Richie." 4. "Why is my pit crew charging me $1.35 a gallon?" 3. "Tie-fighters, nine o-clock! Punch it, Chewie!" 2. "This is still safer than riding in a New York City cab." 1. "Gee, maybe I shouldn't have had all that Nyquil."

Top Ten Signs The President Is Trying To Kill You - February 16, 1999

10. He goes on TV to assure the nation that he's not trying to kill you 9. You get a card from Saddam reading "Glad I'm not you" 8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night-vision 7. You wake up next to the head of Donna Shalala 6. You overhear him arguing with lawyers over legal definition of the word "strangle" 5. Keeps promising to "introduce you to Vince Foster" 4. He asks U.N. to pass resolution authorizing use of force against you 3. Now under construction in Arlington Cemetary: "The Tomb of The Unknown Guy The President's Going To Kill" 2. "Someone" throws a Big Mac stuffed with a brick through your window 1. Two words: exploding cigars

Top Ten Old Punchlines All West Point Cadets Must Know - February 17, 1999

10. "If I could find my car keys we could drive out, sir!" 9. "One to hold the bulb and two to hold the ladder, sir!" 8. "And that's just in the lobby, sir!" 7. "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day, sir!" 6. "Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot, sir!" 5. "But at least I'll be sober in the morning, sir!" 4. "And boy are my arms tired, sir!" 3. "Linda Tripp" 2. "Hey, hey, Hugh, Hugh, get off of McCloud, sir!" 1. "Okay, you're a cab, sir!"

Top Ten Awards Won By Me, Dave Letterman - February 18, 1999

10. 1st Place, 1947 Indianapolis Ugly Baby Competition 9. Conscientious Rewinder Award, Blockbuster Video 8. 1993 "So Long, Sucker" Medal from NBC 7. Miss Teen Indiana, 1968 6. "Best Klingon Costume," 1993 Star Trek convention 5. Member, Hellmann's Mayonnaise "1,000 Gallon Club" 4. 1989 Charles Bronson prize for Excellence in Vigilanteism 3. 1968 Heisman Trophy Award buyer 2. Connecticut State Police "Biggest Crybaby" award 1. Luckiest man in show business -- 1980-1998

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Hot Dog Vendor - February 19, 1999

10. "I trapped the meat myself." 9. "Can we hurry this up, I have to meet my parole officer." 8. "Botulism, schmotulism, am I right, Vicky?" 7. "Would you like to smear mustard on me?" 6. "I kissed every one for good luck." 5. "There's a zoo in every bite." 4. "Did you see me on '60 Minutes' last night?" 3. "Would you like a drink to wash down this uncooked mystery tube?" 2. "I'll see you in the emergency room, genius!" 1. "You're my first customer in eight weeks."

Top Ten Mike Tyson Complaints About Television - February 22, 1999

10. When you try to fondle woman you see on TV, you bust the screen 9. Lack of violence on most shows sends wrong message to kids 8. Why doesn't the Skipper ever bite off Gilligan's ear? 7. If you see commercial for something on TV and yell, "I want that!" it doesn't instantly materialize before you 6. CBS rejected his idea for new show: "Cold Cocked By An Angel" 5. "Martha Stewart Living" only an hour long 4. This guy (video clip of "Rent-A-Friend" guy from Dave's Video Collection) 3. "Hollywood Squares" is back on TV and my phone has not rung once 2. I'm told I can "Win Ben Stein's Money" when I'd much prefer to "Kick Ben Stein's Ass" 1. Thought "Beverly Hills 90210" was the name of new female inmate

Top Ten Least Popular Grammy Categories - February 23, 1999

10. Oldest Dirty Bastard 9. Best Anything By Anyone Other Than Celine Dion 8. Best CD To Use As A Coaster For A Can Of Beer 7. Best Use Of The Word "Jiggy" 6. Best Artist Arrested In A Men's Room Doing Favors For Drifters 5. Yoko Of The Year 4. Best Country Song Written While Flat-On-Your-Ass Drunk 3. Best New Artist Who Will Be Relegated To The Ash-Bin Of Obscurity By August 2. Best Performance By A Duo In The Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office 1. Song Most Likely To Be Turned Into Muzak

Top Ten Signs The Clintons Are Your Neighbors - February 24, 1999

10. Your neighbor comes over to ask if he can borrow a couple of interns 9. Your other neighbors, the Starrs, just can't seem to get them evicted 8. Entry door had to be widened at thigh level 7. Dry cleaner around corner has more business than it can handle 6. When you get in elevator with your neighbor, he asks, "Going down?" then chuckles to himself 5. They sublet their apartment for $50,000 a night 4. You find pair of boxers in laundry room reading "Hail To This" 3. Two days after you borrow bag of ice, Betty Currie knocks on your door and asks for it back 2. Your elevator has been re-christened "Bubba Chute One" 1. Building tests fire alarms, neighbor shrieks and hauls ass to England

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World - February 25, 1999

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea. 9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit. 8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10. 7. Cinderella starts receiving Bashful's subscription to "Hustler." 6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton." 5. When you wish upon a star...not a damn thing happens. 4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life. 3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade." 2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600. 1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

Top Ten Most Frequently Removed Tattoos - February 26, 1999

10. Too Drunk To Feel This 9. Ask Me About Amway 8. Jane Doe #6 7. My Other Ass Is A Cadillac 6. If Mike Tyson Were Here In Prison I'd Beat Him Senseless 5. Go Bulls! 4. Kill 'Em All And Let Alan Greenspan Sort 'Em Out 3. Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day 2. David Wells is Yankee #1 1. Da Plane! Da Plane!

Top Ten Movies That Would Get Made If Bill Clinton Headed A Studio - March 01, 1999

10. "Shakespeare In Heat" 9. "Message In A Necktie" 8. "Rear Window-Less Corridor" 7. "Six Jane Does, Seven Nights" 6. "I Know Who You Did Last Summer" 5. "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Then Got A High-Paying Job At Revlon From Vernon Jordan" 4. "Twelve Angry Hillarys" 3. "How Bubba Got His Job Back" 2. "The Thong Remains The Same" 1. "Liar, Liar" (Remake)

Top Ten Least Beloved Dr. Seuss Classics - March 02, 1999

10. "Guns Is Funz" 9. "The Cat in the Adults-Only Chat Room" 8. "No, That Isn't A Wocket In My Pocket, But Keep Guessing Honey" 7. "Thidwick The Big-Hearted Moose Is Shot By Charlton Heston" 6. "Horton Hires A Hooker" 5. "Watch Out, Steve, I'm Gonna Heave" 4. "The Bigger The Cushion The Sweeter The Pushin'" 3. "If I Have To Write One More Rhyme I'm Gonna Whack Somebody" 2. "Oh! The Places You Would Have Gone If Only You'd Finished High School, Dumbass" 1. "101 Ways To Cook Lorax"

Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky - March 03, 1999

10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of the planet?" 9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that anything?" 8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?" 7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird Old Navy commercials?" 6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was talking to me?" 5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the last 14 months?" 4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from New York?" 3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?" 2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?" 1. "Did you bring a clip?"

Top Ten Things Monica Lewinsky Can Do To Mend Her Reputation - March 04, 1999

10. Appear on "E.R." as woman who keeps getting stuff caught in her throat. 9. Hire PR firm that improved Charles Manson's reputation. 8. Rejoin her old band The Go-Gos. 7. Become the U.S. Ambassador to Grabasslavia. 6. Help "straighten out" that Teletubby. 5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee). 4. Break up N'Sync the way Yoko broke up the Beatles. 3. Perform Heimlich Maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp's face. 2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by flashing her thong. 1. Stop the damn smirking.

Top Ten Signs Maury Povich Has Been Cursed By A Mummy - March 05, 1999

10. A swarm of locusts just ate Connie. 9. He bet $10,000 the Bulls would four-peat. 8. Keeps getting to the phone the second the caller hangs up. 7. Instead of hangers that reads "We love our customers," his dry-cleaning comes back on hangers that read "Eternal punishment to you who disturbed my sleep." 6. Only work he can find is on Fox. 5. President Clinton says, "Maury was not cursed by a mummy." 4. Only guest he can get on his show is Steve Guttenberg. 3. Connie is charging extra to pretend she's his wife. 2. He's Maury Povich--isn't that curse enough? 1. Just look at his hair.

Top Ten New Yankee Slogans - March 08, 1999

10. We're crushing the competition -- and the fans. 9. If the flying debris doesn't kill you, the subway will. 8. It's still safer than being a soccer fan. 7. Our stadium's not as cold as the cheese on our nachos. 6. 'Cause it's one! Two! Three tons of falling concrete! 5. The team itself won't start collapsing until September! 4. Come to the house that shoddy contractors built! 3. Yankee Stadium -- where every day is helmet day. 2. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. They win all the games. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees. Yankees, Yankees, Yankees! 1. Heads up!

Top Ten Ways President Clinton Will Celebrate the Paula Jones Decision - March 09, 1999

10. Appear on 60 Minutes and tell Ed Bradley, "Damn straight I was aroused." 9. Borrow the deep sea craft they used in "Titanic", join the Three-Miles-Deep Club. 8. For the first time this year, he'll actually kiss Hillary. 7. Get to work on the other fourteen lawsuits pending against him. 6. Call Paula Jones and say, "I know we've had our differences, but how 'bout a date?" 5. Enjoy giant stack of pancakes while groping Mrs. Butterworth. 4. Stay up all night harassing himself. 3. At press conference, drop pants and shout, "I'm the king of the world!" 2. Call Kenneth Starr in middle of night and say, "Subpoena this!" 1. Throw out a case of Corona.

Top Ten Surprises in the Final Episode of Seinfeld - March 10, 1999

10. Entire plot revolves around a mob of angry Puerto Ricans trying to light Kramer on fire. 9. Fonzie moves to L.A. 8. You finally get to see what Godzilla looks like. 7. At the end, the head of NBC prime time programming hangs himself. 6. Cameo appearance by George Michael as "Slave of His Domain." 5. Soup Nazi hunted down by "Soup Simon Wiesenthal." 4. Elaine goes nuts and does it with Newman. 3. Episode is basically 75 minutes of Jerry counting his money. 2. What's the difference -- the damn show got canceled. 1. The show isn't really ending, it's just moving to CBS.

Top Ten Famous Politician Wrestling Nicknames - March 11, 1999

10. "Sneak Attacki" Pataki 9. "Attitude Fixin'" Richard Nixon 8. Strom "The Vi-Aggravator" Thurmond 7. John Quincy Badass 6. Ted "The Plastered Bastard" Kennedy 5. Barbara "Don't Be Fooled By The Name--She's Actually A Wrestler" Boxer 4. Eleanor "Macho Man" Roosevelt 3. Al "Da Loser" D'Amato 2. Bill "The Internator" Clinton 1. Chairman Pow

Top Ten Fun Things To Yell While Sliding Down a Fire Pole - March 12, 1999

10. "It's hosin' time!" 9. "Bladder infection." 8. "Why are we rushing? It's only Letterman's house." 7. "Last one to the fire truck has gotta clean the dalmation." 6. "I love friction." 5. "Quit playing games with my heart." 4. "Geraldo." 3. "Stairs are for cops." 2. "If it wasn't for this, I'd have no sex life at all." 1. "You've got pole."

Top Ten People I Would Thank If I Won An Academy Award - March 15, 1999

10. My best friend, Jack Daniels 9. My wonderful Kids, Cody and Cassidy 8. The dozens of endangered condors who gave their lives during the making of the film 7. Those makeup wizards who help me look like a 104-year old woman 6. My patient and understanding wife, Ellen DeGeneres 5. The entire CBS Orchestra, with the rendition of Paul Shaffer 4. Celine Dion, for her haunting rendition of, "Diamond Dave and the Musical Burrito" 3. My co-star, Punchy, the field goal-kickin' mule 2. Wally, my hairpiece wrangler 1. Rappin' granny

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Disney Movie - March 16, 1999

10. It's two hours of accidental deaths at Disney's "Animal Kingdom." 9. It's called "The Little Right Wing Militia That Could." 8. Robert Downey Jr. keeps trying to smoke the Flubber. 7. Characters keep saying how great it will be to buy the video when it comes out. 6. You find yourself thinking, "Did Minnie get implants?" 5. It's advertised as being "from the makers of Euro-Disney." 4. Music and lyrics by Roger Clinton. 3. Mickey shouts, "Oh my god, they killed Goofy!" 2. Minnie Mouse spends half the movie stranded on a deserted island with Anne Heche. 1. There's five or six dalmations, tops.

Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Leonardo DiCaprio - March 17, 1999

10. You refer to your Geo Metro as "Geonardo Dimetrio." 9. You stand on his front lawn naked hoping he'll sketch you. 8. You tell doctor, "If I die, give my kidneys to Leonardo." 7. You adore the cute way he says, "Who are you and why are you in my apartment?" 6. You're performing your third Top Ten list about him this week. 5. You're the only guy in North America with lifeboats attached to his Camaro. 4. You've started a protest group called "People Against Lifeboats." 3. You have the Mona Lisa tattooed on your forehead (Sorry, that's a sign you're in love with Leonardo DiVinci). 2. During "Titanic"'s love scene, you were too engrossed to notice President Clinton's hand moving up your leg. 1. Your name is Richard Simmons.

Top Ten Other Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man in the World - March 19, 1999

10. Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's. 9. According to the latest letter from Ed McMahon, he may be the winner of ten million dollars! 8. New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock. 7. Can eat as much as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as much as he wants. 6. He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never found out about her. 5. Nobody knows he killed Jacques Cousteau. 4. As president, receives copies of the "Garfield" comic strip several days in advance. 3. Portrayed in movie by John Travolta, not George "Goober" Lindsey. 2. The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat ass back to Arkansas. 1. Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns.

Top Ten Things Shakespeare Would Say If He Were Alive Today - March 22, 1999

10. "Now that I've had 400 years to think about it, tights are kind of fruity." 9. "What's Gore talking about? I invented the internet." 8. "I got ideas for three new plays just by watching Jerry Springer." 7. "Even I think 'Saving Private Ryan' is a much better movie than 'Shakespeare In Love.'" 6. "I'm gonna go hang out at Barnes & Noble and pick up chicks in the theater section." 5. "'Cats'? Good Lord, is that still playing?" 4. "What's something good that rhymes with 'Hooters'?" 3. "I just got a 'Welcome Back Kotter' lunch box on e-bay." 2. "The guys in high school English were right -- I'm gay." 1. "Dave, wherefore is thy number one never funny?"

Top Ten Song Titles On The Pope's New Album - March 23, 1999

10. "Girls Just Want To Be Nuns" 9. "Wind Beneath My Vestments" 8. "Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)" 7. "A Whiter Shade Of Robe" 6. "Exactly Like A Virgin" 5. "Sistine Candles" 4. "Take This Job And Read It" 3. "Gettin' Popey Wit It" 2. "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me" 1. "Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical"

Top Ten Signs Your Prize Fight Is Fixed - March 24, 1999

10. Nickname on your robe: "The Mafia Puppet" 9. Between rounds, HBO airs commercials for the rematch 8. Fight is sanctioned by the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee 7. You recognize the judges as guys who count ballots at Teamsters elections 6. The white guy wins 5. Ref tells your opponent, "I wanna see a lot of punches below the belt" 4. Between rounds, someone keeps slipping you Quaker non-violence pamphlets 3. During end credits you see: "Fight choreographed by Debbie Allen" 2. Every time you start doing well, the ref stops fight to look for his lost contact lens 1. Odds are on Dame Judi Dench to win in the 3rd

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think Tae-Bo Is - March 25, 1999

10. Sammo Hung's brother-in-law 9. Adorable flying elephant in the Disney cartoon 8. Something worn by the Asian Orville Redenbacher 7. I have no idea, but if it makes me seem cool, I'm gonna start telling chicks I do it 6. What close friends call Tom Brokaw 5. That annoying song by them Hanson kids 4. Physical fitness regimen that combines Tae Kwon Do and bowling 3. Samuel L. Jackson's character in the new "Star Wars" movie 2. That Teletubby Jerry Falwell thinks is gay 1. The names of the two Dukes of Hazzard

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Cab Driver - March 26, 1999

10. "You don't mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?" 9. "Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?" 8. "You're not a cop, are you?" 7. "If my doctor knew I was driving, he'd be real pissed." 6. "All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake." 5. "You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat." 4. "I'm letting you know up front, any touching is fifty bucks extra." 3. "Mommy let me drive by myself today." 2. "You know it's 4:00 and three couples already had sex back there." 1. "My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate."

Top Ten Fidel Castro Baseball Jeers - March 29, 1999

10. "Get a raft!" 9. "My team may defect--but your team has defects!" 8. "Our players could beat you even if losing didn't mean certain death." 7. "Years of indoor plumbing have made you Americans soft and weak." 6. "Castro will whip your astro." 5. "The ump needs glasses...inform him that it's a three-year wait." 4. "No batter, no batter, and no bat since Russia stopped sending aid." 3. "I'm not paying you $6 a year to strike out." 2. "You call that catching? I catch more in my beard while I'm eating." 1. "You throw like a capitalist girl."

Top Ten Jobs In The New Millenium - March 30, 1999

10. Assistant Fight Fixer, Don King Corp. 9. Medical Marijuana Product Quality Tester 8. Sign-Remover, Failed Starbucks Locations 7. NBA token white guy 6. NHL token black guy 5. Guy who puts "Intel Inside" stickers on every computer 4. Consultant, Hillary Clinton New Husband Search 3. Guy in charge of gathering sharp sticks after Y2K knocks us back to Stone Age 2. Producer of "Where Are They Now?" specials on David Letterman and Paul Shaffer 1. Human toy for Bill Gates

Top Ten Hilarious April Fool's Day Pranks In The Mafia - March 31, 1999

10. Tell a guy you're going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick. 9. Tape sign to informant's back that reads: "Whack me." 8. The old "non-drying cement shoes" gag. 7. Put body in big paper bag, place it on somebody's doorstep, light it on fire, ring doorbell, run away. 6. Phone local teamsters office, say, "This is Jimmy Hoffa--any messages for me?" 5. Call up Domino's; order a pizza for Mr. Foghead A. Boutit. 4. The old severed finger in the hot dog bun trick. 3. Replace someone's "Godfather" tape with a Teletubbys video. 2. Instead of horse's head, rig it so somebody wakes up next to Linda Tripp. 1. Three words: squirting pinkie rings.

Top Ten Get Well Messages Received By Fabio - April 01, 1999

10. "Hey -- sorry to hear you got hit in the face by a goose!" 9. "This is an inspiration to the millions of people who have been hit in the face by geese while riding a rollercoaster." 8. "Congratulations on making the news for the first time in years." 7. "Watch your back, pretty boy -- Love, the goose's family." 6. "You must feel really stupid." 5. "Fabio, we're sorry about your woundio -- feel better soonio." 4. "Hope you're feeling better -- your buddies at Tri-State Pectoral Implants." 3. "Save the bloody shirt -- we can sell it on e-bay." 2. "Hope you're back on your feet and unemployed again in no time." 1. "Who cares about you -- is your hair okay?"

Top Ten Signs The Easter Bunny Is Cranky - April 02, 1999

10. Goes around telling children that Santa's not real. 9. All the eggs seem to be hidden in dingy Irish pubs. 8. Says to one of the kids, "Tug my tail again and you're on a milk carton." 7. Created the "Melissa" computer virus. 6. Recently walked in on his wife and the Energizer Bunny. 5. Dyes Easter eggs by throwing them in the washing machine with his colored load. 4. Threw a drink in Hef's face at the Playboy Mansion. 3. Demands sponsors pay expenses of his ex-hooker girlfriend Tiffany. 2. Those ain't licorice jelly beans. 1. He's been chain-smoking the green plastic grass.

Top Ten Historical Inaccuracies in Peter Jennings' The Century - April 05, 1999

10. Lincoln was not assassinated at a "Phish show" 9. Dogs were not "invented in 1963" 8. Prior to invention of the airplane, people did not "fly around by flapping their arms" 7. Eleanor Roosevelt never competed in a wet T-shirt contest 6. World War I did not start because Fabio was hit in the face by a goose 5. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were not the neighbors on "I Love Lucy" 4. Lyndon Johnson known as "LBJ" not "LL Cool J" 3. Turning point of World War II not "that part where Tom Hanks finds Matt Damon" 2. Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were not, "Pretty fly for a white guy" 1. Person of the Century probably not "Peter Jennings"

Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Characters - April 06, 1999

10. Oprah the Winfrey 9. 10-10-321, The Telephone Droid 8. Tae Bo 7. Captain Overhype 6. Ol' Dirty Ewok 5. Bobadan Milosovic 4. R2 Deepak Chopra 3. Sticky, the Talking Piece of Chewing Gum 2. Obi Wan Jacobi and Meyers 1. Star Jones

Top Ten Dave Letterman Tax Exemptions - April 07, 1999

10. Charitable contribution to New York Knicks 9. Hundreds of D-cell batteries used to power Paul Shaffer 8. Alimony to my ex-wife, Carmen Electra 7. The fifty bucks a year I send Mom 6. Dry cleaning of guest chair after visits by Richard Simmons 5. Sponsoring the Late Show monster truck 4. Medical expenses to remove "Melrose Forever" tattoo 3. Disaster relief for nightly comedy 2. $80,000 to win date with JFK, Jr. at charity auction 1. Gifts and entertainment for Connecticut State Troopers

Top Ten Ways To Make Golf More Exciting - April 08, 1999

10. Goodbye Payne Stewart -- Hello Payne "Stone Cold" Stewart. 9. Replace Tiger Woods with actual tiger. 8. Instead of following golf ball in air, camera now pans crowd looking for dumbest hat. 7. Instead of green jacket, Masters champion wins all the other golfers' clothes. 6. Loser has to sit with Fuzzy Zoeller at Masters dinner. 5. Each foursome must include at least one man wrongly acquitted of double homicide. 4. Two words: "Monkey caddies." 3. New hazard: Civil War re-enactments. 2. Locate at least one hole on median strip of I-95. 1. NATO bombings.

Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break - April 09, 1999

10. Longest-Running Show on CBS 9. Least-Jiggy Human 8. Sweatiest Palm 7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson" 6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down" 5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley 4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster 3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy 2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman 1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)

Top Ten Exhibits At The Erotica Trade Show - April 12, 1999

10. Dave Letterman Virtual Celibacy Booth 9. Hall of Gifford Flight Attendants 8. The "Clamma Sutra" Clam Stand 7. Quaker Instant Erotic Oatmeal 6. Oscar Mayer Battery-Powered Wiener 5. Take Your Picture With A Naked Andy Griffith 4. Support Group Meeting For Strippers Whose First And Last Names Don't Start With The Same Letter 3. The Interactive Intern 2. Condom Bill Gates Carried In His Wallet 1986-1997 1. Madeleine Albright Kissing Booth

Top Ten Things Overheard At Hugh Hefner's Birthday - April 13, 1999

10. "What do you give the man who's had everyone?" 9. "That guy gets an awful lot of action for someone named 'Hugh'" 8. "Is that clown making balloon animals out of condoms?" 7. "Oh, gee, another silk robe -- you shouldn't have" 6. "Somebody oughta tell Miss June she's wasting her time on that Teletubby" 5. "Someone come quick, the President's stuck in the grotto!" 4. "Kelsey Grammer says the punch bowl is empty again" 3. "I'm sorry, Pontiff, your name's not on the guest list" 2. "What a great gift -- monogrammed Viagra!" 1. "I'm only here for the articles"

Top Ten Hilarious Pranks To Play On The IRS - April 14, 1999

10. Tell an agent he's in charge of auditing the Gambino family. 9. Add check-off box that reads, "Do you want $3 to go to hooker fund for lonely IRS agents?" 8. Check box labeled "joint filing"; enclose actual joint. 7. Open up competing country with lower taxes, drive IRS out of business. 6. Tell IRS agent you made a $50 "charitable donation" to his wife. 5. You know that squiggly line people draw through "7's" -- draw them through "8's"! 4. Mail tax return in an envelope with return address "Kaczynski." 3. Call IRS -- Ask, "Do you have Prince Albert's deductible mortgage interest in a can?" 2. Fake return from President Clinton made out to the "Intern Revenue Service." 1. The old poorly-grounded, high-voltage calculator trick.

Top Ten Things Mayor Giuliani Hasn't Cracked Down On Yet - April 15, 1999

10. Fat guys in tank tops 9. Unleashed cockroaches 8. People who spell "Jeff" "G-e-o-f-f" 7. The Yankees bi-monthly losses 6. That miserable wife-swiping bastard Jerry Seinfeld 5. Street magicians who bury themselves underground as a lame publicity stunt 4. USA Network showing reruns of "Wings" 21 times a day 3. Unauthorized parachuting off Al Roker 2. Crack being sold past its expiration date 1. Daryl Strawberry

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Hillary Clinton's Book On Entertaining - April 16, 1999

10. Whoops! Never Seat Your Husband's Mistresses Next To One Another 9. Nothing But The Best When The Taxpayer's Picking Up The Tab 8. Arranging Hors d'oeuvres So They Subliminally Spell "Divorce Me" 7. Oh, Buddy, Not In The Chancellor's Salad! 6. Quiche Lorraine, Crepes Suzette And Other Dishes Bill Thought Were Hooker Names 5. Roger Clinton: An Ideal Coffee Table 4. How To Keep Willie Nelson Off Your Roof 3. "What Sort Of Drinking Game Do You Have In Mind, Mr. Yeltsin?" 2. How To Make My Famous "If-I-Can't-Have-You-No-One-Can" Poison Meatloaf 1. How I Plan To Deport Martha Stewart

Top Ten Greatest Books of All Time About Guys Named Steve - April 19, 1999

10. "War and Peace and Steve" 9. "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Steves" 8. "The Grapes of Steve" 7. "The Steves of Wrath" 6. "Steve Grapes Steve Wrath Steve Steve" 5. "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Steve is From Cleveland" 4. "Where's Waldo? Is He With Steve?" 3. "Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown, Volume VIII: 'Mysterious Guys Named Steve'" 2. "The Joy of Sex with Steve" 1. "The Bible" (King Steve Version)

Top Ten Least Useful College Majors - April 20, 1999

10. Stamp-licking 9. Shopping for Scarves 8. Guesstimation 7. The Physics of Chair-throwing on "Jerry Springer" 6. English Accents: Why They Sound So Fruity 5. Comparitive Blinking 4. Counting Backwards from 10 to 1 (with department head David Letterman) 3. Melonballing 2. The Ethnobiosocioanthropsycho-pharmacolinguistics of Fudge 1. Lee Majors

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Bob Dole Were President - April 21, 1999

10. If you wanted my DNA, you'd have to marry me. 9. Ken Starr would still be less famous than his brother Ringo. 8. English language would contain about 50 fewer words ending in "gate." 7. Viagra to be served at all state dinners. 6. Red phone in Oval Office connected back to Moscow, instead of the Pizza Hut down the street. 5. Only uproar would be over my scandalously good looks. 4. No more interns. I'd replace them all with disgruntled CBS executives. 3. At this very moment Bill Clinton would be saying, "Would you like fries with that?" 2. You think I'd be on this lame talk show right now? Think again, Sparky. 1. I hope you don't like income taxes, because they'd be history.

Top Ten Signs There's Trouble in the Barbie and Ken Marriage - April 22, 1999

10. Ken overheard at bar saying he'd like to find "a woman with bendable elbows." 9. Years-old feud about who can go longer without blinking. 8. After sex, she said, "You ain't exactly Stretch Armstrong." 7. Ken's extensive collection of gay porn. 6. While Ken's asleep, Barbie covers him with bacon grease so neighbor's dog will chew him to shreds and bury him. 5. They're arguing over custody of the Beanie Babies. 4. She wants the kids raised as dolls, and he wants them raised as action figures. 3. He's been coming home late at night reeking of Silly Putty. 2. Personal ad reads, "Curvy blonde seeks anatomically-correct guy." 1. Lewinsky!

Top Ten Phrases That Sound Cool When Sung By a Blues Singer - April 23, 1999

10. That Leonardo Dicarprio is one hunky son of a bitch 9. OOOWWWWW mama, I just spilled McDonald's coffee in my lap 8. MMMBop 7. Bovine spongiform encephelopathy is primarily transmitted through contaminated livestock feed 6. Tell me, darling, do these pants make my ass look fat? 5. If you could see me now, out on a fun ship cruise 4. Tomorrow on Oprah: Actor Tony Danza 3. I've been working harder than a Clinton family lawyer 2. Turn your head and cough 1. If I hear that damn Titanic song again, I think I'll slit my throat!

Top Ten Ways To Make Religious History More Entertaining - April 26, 1999

10. New chapter of the Bible: "The Book of Regis." 9. Instead of parting Red Sea, Moses drives Ford pickup into a Red Lobster. 8. After David slays Goliath, he is elected Governor of Minnesota. 7. Each psalm has to include the word "jiggy." 6. Lord is asked to perform greatest miracle -- get Knicks in playoffs. 5. At end of Jonah and the whale story, Roy Scheider blows up whale using pressurized oxygen tank. 4. All new Book of Genesis explains why they've sucked since Peter Gabriel left. 3. The Book of Judges expanded to include Koch and Judy. 2. Epic new film: "The Ten Commandments Broken By Darryl Strawberry" 1. Scratch 'n' sniff plagues of Egypt.

Top Ten Horses Least Likely To Win the Kentucky Derby - April 27, 1999

10. Future Glue 9. Senor Sleepy 8. Parts On Order 7. Tax Write-Off 6. Two Fat Guys In a Horse Costume 5. Pothole Dancer 4. 2-Legged Pierre 3. Ebola 2. Kevorkian's Delight 1. CBS

Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend - April 28, 1999

10. Camping alone outside the theater. 9. My force is no longer with me. 8. The Death Star is not yet operational. 7. The Empire's striking out. 6. Shaking hands with the wookie. 5. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet. 4. Oiling the droid. 3. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe. 2. Spending the night with Han Solo. 1. Tractor beam not powerful enough.

Top Ten Things This Guy Wishes He Were Doing Instead of Sitting Here - April 29, 1999

10. Caressing industrial pipe valves 9. Taking a casual stroll through Kosovo 8. Slowly and methodically hacking off his own foot with a machete 7. Dusting his commemorative "Dr. Who" plate collection 6. Talking to some of those oddly friendly women he met down in Times Square 5. Going back to job of wringing out dollar bills at strip clubs 4. Listening to the words "This is your cellmate, Mr. Tyson" 3. Figuring out what to tell boss when asked why he was on Letterman instead of home sick 2. Chatting up that particularly attractive mannequin he saw in 57th Street Gap 1. Oiling the droid

Top Ten Our Favorite Florida Names - April 30, 1999

10. Jack Gass 9. Dan Marino 8. Kenneth Starr & Linda Tripp 7. Mark McGuire & Sammy Sosa 6. John Paul & George Ringo 5. Susan Rogers (They don't all have to be funny) 4. Clinton Dong 3. Clinton Cox 2. Clinton Johnson 1. Dave Suk

Top Ten Other Death-Defying Stunts Robbie Knievel Won't Perform - May 03, 1999

10. Betting on the Knicks to make the playoffs 9. Moving his show from NBC to CBS 8. Screwing up Oprah Winfrey's lunch order 7. Shaving with a straight razor in a New York City cab 6. Spending week in glass coffin with nothing but a Walkman and N'Sync tape 5. Sitting through two hours of "CBS Cross-Over Monday" 4. Swimming less than an hour after eating 3. Trying to cut in line for "Star Wars" tickets 2. Scaling Al Roker 1. Parachuting off mountain of unsold copies of "Monica's Story"

Top Ten Slogans For The New WCW Cologne - May 04, 1999

10. "Attract them white trash babes!" 9. "Sometimes you just want to smell phony" 8. "Like a piledriver up your nose" 7. "The exciting scent of the lowest common denominator" 6. "If you actually bought Michael Jordan's cologne, you might as well buy this!" 5. "The perfect gift for...uh...it's really hard to say" 4. "Give a bottle to that nancy boy son of yours--it couldn't hurt!" 3. "This stuff can make you governor!" 2. "Because when you're sitting on your ass all day watching wrestling, you've got to smell your best" 1. "Finally!"

Top Ten Least Popular Shows On The Discovery Channel - May 05, 1999

10. "Squirrels -- Satan's Secret Army!" 9. "Mummified!: The Makeup Techniques Of Joan Rivers" 8. "Exploring The Titanic With The Lens Cap On" 7. "When Animals Can't Digest Doritos" 6. "Hector, The Gay Manatee" 5. "The Myth of the Female Orgasm" 4. "Wildflowers of the Antarctic: We Got There, There Weren't Any, But We Made A Show About It Anyway" 3. "Ancient Mysteries: Why Is Dr. Joyce Brothers Famous?" 2. "National Geographic's Stark Naked Fat Guys At The Beach" 1. "Stuff That Was Too Boring For PBS"

Top Ten Star Wars' Fans Complaints About The New Movie - May 06, 1999

10. Lame scene where Ewoks are freed from captivity by Reverend Jesse Jackson. 9. R2-D2 sexier with the implants in. 8. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far away" replaced with "Make me a billionaire, losers." 7. You never find out what the "Matrix" is. 6. When theater lights come back on, you're still a 40-year old virgin. 5. Scene where Millennium Falcon hits an iceberg feels tacked on. 4. There's no glowing hockey guy. 3. Somebody forgot to cut price tags off wookie costumes. 2. Most of special effects budget went toward giving Yoda a realistic looking rash. 1. Media is virtually ignoring its release.

Top Ten Nashville Predator Pick-Up Lines - May 07, 1999

10. "I'll show you my Willie Nelson if you show me your Judds" 9. "I may be a Predator, but I'm also a titan" 8. "Let me introduce you to my 'expansion team'" 7. "Unlike those figure skating dudes, I'm all man" 6. "Remember when you said you'd go to bed with me the day Nashville gets a hockey team?" 5. "I still have all my teeth" 4. "Let's go back to my place and play 'Crook and Chase'" 3. "Our sport may not be as cool as baseball, basketball, football, boxing, golf or soccer, but I still make a ton of green" 2. "If you think Al Gore's stiff, you should check me out..." 1. "Nice goo goo's"

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Look For In A Car - May 10, 1999

10. Dashboard Slurpee machine. 9. Car horn that plays theme from "The Rockford Files." 8. Warning on cigarette lighter which reads: "Do not place on tongue." 7. Anti-lock locks. 6. Side view mirror with reminder: "Objects in mirror are reflections of actual real-life objects, genius." 5. Aero to 5.8 in 60 seconds. 4. Enough trunk space to hold hundreds upon hundreds of wrestling magazines. 3. Secret compartment in center of steering wheel for storing Camels. 2. I don't know what the hell rack and pinion is, but give me all that you got. 1. A glove compartment that don't take a genius to open.

Top Ten Big Summer Movies In China - May 11, 1999

10. "Socialize This" 9. "I Know What The U.S. Government Was Secretly Working On Last Summer" 8. "Apocalypse Mao" 7. "The Mao-trix" 6. "You've Got Mao" 5. "Shakespeare In Love With The Glorious Socialist Vision of Chairman Mao" 4. "Willie Wonka and the Pirated Videotape Factory" 3. "Deep Impact Made by the Three Billion of Us Jumping Up and Down 2. "Episode 1: The Clinton Menace" 1. "Cookie's Fortune"

Top Ten Bad Things About Having A Summer Time Share With Darth Vader - May 12, 1999

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his. 9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it. 8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler. 7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago." 6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine. 5. For once he could use Force to life his wet towel off the couch. 4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast. 3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth." 2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill. 1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

Top Ten Headlines You See Every Few Months - May 13, 1999

10. "Yeltsin Fires Cabinet" 9. "Letterman Sues Hair-Replacement Firm" 8. "Fabio Hit In Face By Flying Goose" 7. "Marilu Henner To Publish New Diet And Fitness Book" 6. "Julia Child Leads Police On High-Speed Drug-Fueled Car Chase" 5. "Dennis Farina Plays Mobster" 4. "Darryl Strawberry Vows To Turn Over New Leaf" 3. "Tony Danza Situation Comedy Character To Be Named 'Tony'" 2. "Larry King: This Marriage Will Be Forever" 1. "New Jersey Nets Finally Win A Game"

Top Ten Curt Schilling's Pre-Game Rituals - May 14, 1999

10. Sit naked for an hour in giant tub of Philadelphia Cream Cheese. 9. Caress old Mike Schmidt mustache clippings. 8. Call Pete Rose--see what the line is on the game. 7. Kiss all 200 of my cuddly, adorable Beanie Babies. 6. Smoke one of those weird cigarettes Allen Iverson gave me. 5. Wolf down burritos I shoplifted from local Wawa. 4. Sing Boyz II Men song "I'll Make Love to You" over stadium P.A. system. 3. Run through stadium parking lot snapping off antennas. 2. Learn what not to do by watching tape of Mets game. 1. Go rough up some snot-nosed Swarthmore punks.

Top Ten Other Movies By The People Who Brought You Atomic Train - May 17, 1999

10. "Radioactive Zamboni" 9. "Volkswagen Jetta That's Low On Wiper Fluid" 8. "Atomic Monkey" 7. "Atomic Danza" 6. "Choking Miami Heat" 5. "Delayed U.S. Air Flight To Cleveland" 4. "Drowsy Man Operating Heavy Machinery" 3. "Over-Hyped Star Wars Movie" 2. "Fabio's Roller Coaster" 1. "Baby Geniuses"

Top Ten Signs Your Prom Date Is A Loser - May 18, 1999

10. He makes you leave early, because the ice cream man wants the truck back. 9. So dazzled at the sight of the crepe paper streamers that he has to go lie down. 8. He won't shut up about how he was once Prime Minister of Israel. 7. His carnation is pinned somewhere very painful. 6. Boasts "My grandfather was buried in this tux." 5. After the cool kids dump bucket of pig's blood on him, he just sits and sulks, with no psychic powers at this disposal for revenge. 4. Your corsage is parsley from a Bennigan's baked potato. 3. When chaperones aren't looking, spikes the punch with more punch. 2. The principal says to him, "Dave, didn't you graduate 34 years ago?" 1. Three words: Darth Maul makeup

Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Ehud Barak - May 19, 1999

10. Internet Stock 9. Argyle Sock 8. Barakman Turner Overdrive 7. Furry Ewok 6. Ehuddi Wan Kenobi 5. Chewbaraka 4. Ehuddi and the Barakfish 3. Johan Sebastian Barak 2. Netanyahu Got Rocked 1. Bob Barker

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From a Fenway Park Hot Dog Vendor - May 21, 1999

10. As my own tribute to the Boston Tea Party, I spat in the mustard. 9. These hot dogs are the real green monsters, right? 8. If you find a Band-Aid in there -- it's mine. 7. Try my Buckner Special -- one that was between my legs. 6. See you in Mass General, jackass. 5. Hot dogs are a dollar -- backrubs are fifty cents. 4. The meat for these things came from an MIT science project. 3. If you eat this thing, your nickname better be "Old Ironsides." 2. This hot dog wins the World Series of maggots. 1. Remember: 1 if by salmonella, 2 if by trichinosis.

Top Ten Thoughts On The Minds Of People In Line For Star Wars - May 24, 1999

10. "Nice of Cher to loan me her Academy Awards outfit." 9. "First in line.... This'll look good on my resume." 8. "The babes should be coming over to talk to me any minute now." 7. "I shouldn't have to wait in this line -- I'm Carrie Fisher." 6. "I sense a disturbance in my hairline." 5. "Is that some sort of image-gathering droid?" 4. "Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia...." 3. "What I want is a prequel to 'Turner and Hooch'." 2. "This line better move soon, or Paul will have to host the show for me." 1. "What a couple of geeks."

Top Ten Good Things About Being Bill Gates' Baby - May 25, 1999

10. Dad hires another baby to teethe for you. 9. If daddy doesn't give you the toy you want, you can rat him out to Janet Reno. 8. You look at baby on Pampers package and think, "I can buy and sell you." 7. You can spit up on Al Gore when he claims he invented you. 6. You're two days old and already you can beat dad at arm wrestling. 5. When you crash Microsoft technicians are right there to reboot you. 4. Instead of Raffi CD playing in nursery -- Raffi playing in nursery. 3. The "goofy hair" gene skips a generation. 2. Cry all you want in movie theater -- if people complain, dad buys the dump and kicks everybody out. 1. Easy laughs by calling yourself "Bill Version 2.0"

Top Ten Losing Entries In The Pillsbury Bake-Off - May 26, 1999

10. Newark cream pie 9. Resin clusters 8. Slobodan slaw 7. "Never mind the blood" cheesecake 6. Chinese apple pie made from stolen American recipe 5. 1998's winning entry after one year on the back porch 4. "Thanks for making me your sole beneficiary" apple turnover 3. Gummy lard 2. Chicken a la Don King 1. Big yummy bag of flour

Top Ten Other Things That Will Soon Reach 6 Billion - May 27, 1999

10. Children fathered by Mick Jagger 9. Number of times Fabio has been hit in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster 8. Sales of official Phantom Menace "I hate Jar Jar" buttons 7. Ted Danson situation comedies since "Cheers" 6. Darryl Strawberry second chances 5. Country music award shows 4. Number of times I've phoned Martha Stewart, gotten nervous, hung up 3. Dick Clark's age 2. Jokes about Dick Clark's age 1. NATO bombing mistakes

Top Ten Signs A Guest At Your Memorial Day Barbecue Is A Spy - May 28, 1999

10. He introduces himself as "00-Larry." 9. Keeps whispering into the potato salad. 8. Embarrassing slip up -- refers to A-1 Sauce as "The B-1 Bomber." 7. Seems oddly knowledgeable about who wants a burger and who wants a hot dog. 6. Kid who beats him in sack race sent to Siberian prison. 5. Asks if the hibachi has a gyroscopic laser guidance system. 4. Wears an apron which reads, "Kiss the spy." 3. You ask him how he likes his burger -- he bites down on a cyanide tablet. 2. After a couple drinks starts telling you nuclear launch codes. 1. He seems awfully interested in the Titan missiles you keep in the shed.

Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Gwyneth Paltrow - May 31, 1999

10. Gwyn El Nino 9. Kenneth Starrtrow 8. Leonardo DiPaltrio 7. Scott Baio 6. The Gwyneth Book of World Paltrows 5. Gwena -- Warrior Princess 4. Mrs. David Letterman 3. Winning Free Throw 2. Gwwwwwwyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnethththththththththth Paltrow 1. Punky Brewster

Top Ten Clinton Nicknames or Ben and Jerry Flavors - June 01, 1999

10. Slick Willie 9. Chunky Monkey 8. Double Nut Joy 7. Subpoenas 'n' Cream 6. Impeach-Mint 5. Candy Pants 4. Chocolate Chip Doughboy 3. Chilly Hillbilly 2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl 1. Vanilla

Top Ten Least Popular Stores at the Mall - June 02, 1999

10. The Country's Best Unrefrigerated Yogurt 9. Gap For People Who Have Been Supoenaed By Kenneth Starr 8. Uncle Earl's Old Tyme Appendix Exchange 7. Neil's Diamonds 6. Big and Tall and Gay Shop 5. Mrs. Field's Chocolate Chip Sheep Intestines 4. Everything For $230,000 3. Bed, Bath and Bea Arthur 2. The Warner Bros. Studio Whorehouse 1. Benetton

Top Ten Other Things To Say When Stepping On The Moon - June 03, 1999

10. "Set your phasers for 'fun' -- the Buzzmeister has landed!" 9. "Jeez, what a dump!" 8. "That's one small step for man, once giant leap for my sock puppet Winky." 7. "I think I can see Ebert from here." 6. "Hey, Linda McGinty of Montclair High School -- remember when you wouldn't go out with me? Well, look at me now -- I'm on the moon!" 5. "I'd like to give a shout out to all my homies on the planet Earth." 4. "Visa -- it's everywhere you want to be! I just made 5 million bucks." 3. "Does this mean I have to miss the Smashing Pumpkins on 53rd Street?" 2. "Holy Crap!" 1. "Okay, I stepped on it -- now let's get the hell outta here."

Top Ten Good Things About Not Making the NBA Playoffs - June 04, 1999

10. Can now devote myself to heckling Spike Lee 9. Can finally watch all my taped episodes of "Touched By An Angel" 8. Get to spend every evening "slam dunking" a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon 7. I was starting to get sick of taking showers with a bunch of naked sweaty guys 6. Get to be here for Dave's "Indianapolis Lovefest '97!" 5. No more deadbeat relatives hitting me up for playoff tickets 4. Don't have to worry about cutting myself on Dennis Rodman's nose-ring 3. More time to eat fried chicken with Fuzzy Zoeller 2. If you win, you go to the White House. If you go to the White House, Bubba grabs your wife's ass 1. Too impolite to sweep the Knicks in the first round

Top Ten Signs Hillary Clinton Doesn't Understand New York City - June 07, 1999

10. Actually ate a street vendor hot dog. 9. Sees Statue of Liberty and asks, "Oh, is that new?" 8. Believes the Mets can take it all the way this year. 7. Gave speech to Hasidic Jews in which she promised to "fight for the rights of you Amish folk." 6. Had an exploratory committee look into what an extended middle finger means. 5. Looks at Twin Towers, rubs eyes and yells, "Dang! Mama's seeing things!" 4. Keeps asking when she'll get to meet Batman. 3. Featured guest at her fundraisers: Reggie Miller. 2. Thinks the "subway" is just some place Bill takes her for their anniversary dinner. 1. Paid $25,000 for a sidewalk Rolex.

Top Ten Other Lists Kept By The FBI - June 08, 1999

10. J. Edgar Hoover Dress and High-Heel Sizes 9. Guests Rosie O'Donnell Has Yelled At 8. Chinese Citizens Who Don't Yet Have U.S. Military Secrets 7. Guys Who Use The Phrase "Okey-Dokey" 6. People Who Are Living A Vida That's A Little Too Loca 5. People Under 80 Who Watch CBS Prime Time 4. Disgruntled Star Wars Fans Who Want Jar Jar Binks Beaten To Death 3. Mother-Daughter Stripper Guests Jerry Springer Has Slept With 2. America's Ten Most Undecided 1. Female Agents Who Are Even One-Tenth As Hot As Scully

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think La Vida Loca Is - June 09, 1999

10. The Spanish version of "The Price is Right." 9. That creepy community in Florida where grandma lives. 8. What you get when you drink the water in Mexico. 7. The Yankees' new Cuban relief pitcher. 6. That evil Yugoslavian guy we're bombing back to the Stone Age. 5. Whatever it is, Cher probably has it. 4. The best-selling mid-sized car in its class. 3. What Al Gore isn't living. 2. Something the Taco Bell chihuahua gets shots for. 1. One of them Jewish holidays.

Top Ten Broadway Shows That Never Won Tony Awards - June 10, 1999

10. "Death Of A Hosie Cow Salesman" 9. "You're A Good Man, Charlie Manson" 8. "Rokerhoma" 7. "Guys and Inflatable Dolls" 6. "Woody Allen Makes A Pass at Miss Saigon" 5. "Bring In Da Goose, Bring In Da Fabio" 4. "Annie Get Your Gun Before Rosie O'Donnell Yells At You" 3. "The Infected, Scarlet Pus-Filled Pimpernel" 2. "Lion King II: The Warthog Who Shagged Me" 1. "Living Evita Loca"

Top Ten Things People Say About Their Hosie Cow - June 11, 1999

10. "Honestly, I was expecting the cow to be hosier." 9. "Let's see the Chinese try and steal this." 8. "I like this even better than Sprinklie Pig." 7. "This is much better than Hosie Slobodan." 6. "It's how Jodie Foster got pregnant." 5. "I hear that gardeners in India worship Hosie Cow." 4. "Hosie Cow is perfect for serving gravy at Thanksgiving." 3. "It squirts water out of its tail! You know, just like a cow." 2. "This is what Nostradamus meant when he wrote, 'A plastic urinating cow will take over America's lawns'." 1. "Put me to sleep mama -- life ain't gonna get any better."

Top Ten Things People Hate More Than Jar Jar Binks - June 14, 1999

10. Bleeding profusely from the ears, nose and eyes 9. The thought of a Quayle presidency 8. People who ask, "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?" 7. His wife, Hillary Rodham Binks 6. Finding out Amy Fisher is your new neighbor 5. Having a perfectly good day and then suddenly for no reason thinking of Andy Rooney 4. The Belgians 3. The Secret Word Contest 2. Anyone besides Austin Powers who uses phrase, "Yeah, baby!" 1. Spending eight bucks to watch him

Top Ten Casino Ad Slogans - June 15, 1999

10. "Let lady luck knee you in the groin!" 9. "Betcha can't lose just one paycheck!" 8. "Because actually flushing money down a toilet can clog the drain." 7. "Come play video poker the traditional native American way!" 6. "Now only 98% mafia run." 5. "Who needs Mickey Mouse when you can see a drunk Jimmy Caan slumped over a baccarat table?" 4. "You could be the next Mrs. Trump." 3. "Financial ruin + Wayne Newton = Fun!" 2. "From the moment a mediocre ex-heavyweight greets you at the door to the moment a weeping hooker bids you farewell, we'll take good care of you." 1. "We can't spell 'sucker' without 'u"."

Top Ten Things Kenneth Starr Has Found Out About Al Gore - June 16, 1999

10. Was once mistaken for dead guy on a New York City subway 9. Stole valuable combover secrets from Rudy Giuliani 8. Often flies on Air Force One as checked baggage 7. Although he didn't invent the internet, he did invent those annoying bits of punctuation that look like sideways faces :-) 6. He was created by the same guys that did Jar Jar Binks 5. Voted for Perot in '96 4. Big fan of the joke, "Tipper? I didn't even kiss her!" 3. Like G.I. Joe dolls, he has molded plastic underwear that can't be removed 2. Had to have an aide explain to him exactly what it was Bill and Monica were doing 1. Once had an affair with a magnolia tree

Top Ten Stores Where The Royal Couple Is Registered - June 17, 1999

10. Everything Scepters 9. Nothin' But Crumpets 8. The Thatcher Image 7. Old Navy That Gets Defeated In The Falklands 6. Inbreedingdale's 5. Queen Victoria's Secret 4. Nigel's World Of Solid Gold Toothpicks 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Blood Pudding 2. The Gap For People That Got Their Butts Kicked By The Americans 1. Hosie Cows 'R Us

Top Ten Signs I, Dave Letterman, Am Your Father - June 18, 1999

10. On your birthday you receive items tolen from NBC 9. Major celebrities refuse to appear at your birthday parties 8. You're constantly getting stopped by hall monitor for running too fast 7. You're not very good with the book learnin' 6. You have my teeth and Cher's eyes 5. Every night between 11:30 and 12:30, you're overcome by a wave of nauseating shame 4. Your mother is from a long line of circus people 3. You never see your father anymore because he's on CBS 2. In bed, you constantly ask wife, "How am I doing on time?" 1. You're six years old and people ask if that's a hairpiece

Top Ten Signs You're A Makeshift Rodeo - June 21, 1999

10. "Cowboy hats" look suspiciously like traffic cones. 9. Big event is dachshund roping. 8. It's "Bring Your Own Bull." 7. It only receives brief coverage on ESPN8. 6. That competition to see who can stay on Cher the longest. 5. "Bull" really just Whirlpool dryer with uneven load. 4. It's owned and operated by the Makeshift Brothers. 3. Bull was bought at Discount Bull Outlet, instead of the much more respectable Bull World. 2. The Spurs are up 2 games to 0 (Sorry, that's a sign you're at a makeshift NBA championship series). 1. Way too many gators.

Top Ten Ways To Make The Godfather More Appealing To Teenagers - June 22, 1999

10. Marlon Brando gets two-foot tall sidekick, Mini-Vito 9. Enemies now killed by the explosive flavor of snapping into a Slim Jim 8. Three words: no Jar Jar 7. Sonny Corleone ambushed at tollbooth by foul-mouthed South Park character 6. Corpses of victims get dumped in Dawson's Creek 5. Theme song by Ricky Martin, "Livin' La Cosa Nostra" 4. Instead of organized crime, family now makes money by selling term papers 3. Change title from "The Godfather" to "The Puff Daddy" 2. Goodbye severed horse head, hello severed Backstreet Boy head! 1. New title: "I Still Know Who You Whacked Last Summer"

Top Ten Least Inspirational Things For A Coach To Say At Halftime - June 23, 1999

10. "If you don't mind, I'm going to leave now to beat the traffic." 9. "They may have the talent, size and athleticism--but we got headbands!" 8. "Who's winning?" 7. "I'd like to set aside a few minutes here for everyone to touch the silky smoothness of my necktie." 6. "I just won Powerball, so long, suckers!" 5. "Enough strategy, let me tell you about my Amway products." 4. "So when you get the, uh, you know, the round thing, the, uh, ball..." 3. "It's not over until...ah, who am I kidding, it's over." 2. "If we win, I'm buying the drinks -- if we lose, I'm buying the drinks and the hookers." 1. "Go out there and win one for 'The Gifford'."

Top Ten Questions On The U.S. Citizenship Exam - June 24, 1999

10. At any point in your life, have you worn a stupid-looking beret? 9. How soon can you begin pitching for the Yankees? 8. If all the good states are full, would you be willing to live in Delaware? 7. Are you from the country that gave us that hump Roberto Benigni? 6. Name the one state in which Bill Clinton has not been sued 5. True or false -- the American national anthem is Lionel Richie's "Dancin' On The Ceiling" 4. Name the American broadcaster who looks like an owl 3. You're not going to sell our nuclear secrets to China, are you? 2. Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? 1. Zachary Taylor: U.S. president or one of those kids on "Home Improvement"?

Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Going To A New York City School - June 25, 1999

10. Entire student body ties for last place in spelling bee. 9. Math homework always seems to be about prisoners trading cigarettes. 8. Every driver's ed class ends with lesson on dumping bodies in New Jersey. 7. The three "R's" stand for reading, writing and reloading. 6. Cafeteria suddenly has plenty of beef the day after that runaway bull was shot. 5. If you don't bribe teachers, your kid gets obstructed view seating. 4. That cultural field trip to see the new Adam Sandler movie. 3. Art class was canceled when the theater ate all the paint. 2. Map of the world on classroom wall shows two regions: "America" and "Where Cabbies Come From." 1. Thinks E=MC2 is Hammer's old name.

Top Ten Slogans For the U.S. Women's World Cup Soccer Team - June 28, 1999

10. Come Watch Hot Women Take Their Aggression Out On Belgians 9. Got Estrogen? 8. Any One Of Us Could Take On Three Whiny VH1 Divas 7. Hardly Anyone's Crushed To Death In Our Stands! 6. Come Watch Us Play, Unless You're David Letterman, In Which Case Stay The Hell Away 5. It's Like A Backstage Brawl At Lillith Fair 4. You'll Come For The Hamm, You'll Stay For The Brandi 3. Tickets Are $4.95 A Minute, $3.95 Each Additional Minute 2. We Make The Men's World Cup Team Look Like a Bunch of Knuckle-Dragging Mouth-Breathing Humps 1. It's This Or Field Hockey

Top Ten Other Safety Hazards At McDonald's - June 29, 1999

10. Sign in restroom: "Employees must wash hands in customers' soft drinks." 9. New "windpipe-sized" chicken McNuggets. 8. Dumb guys always sticking head in fry-o-lator. 7. Those promotional cartons of "Tarzan-style" unpasteurized milk. 6. Misprinted cups that read "This coffee is cool enough to pour directly into your lap." 5. Hand dryers in bathrooms powerful enough to blow flesh off fingers. 4. Ronald McDonald spotted peeling skin from bad sunburn next to fry vat. 3. That "fish" in their fish sandwiches? Meow. 2. Hamburgler drugs customers, transports them to dingy Mexican hotel room, steals their kidneys. 1. McBeehives!

Top Ten Least Popular Movie Props For Sale On The Internet - June 30, 1999

10. Hairpiece Burt Reynolds used during shooting of "Stroker Ace" 9. Mummified carcass of the original "Black Stallion" 8. Macaulay Culkin's empties from "Home Alone" set 7. Tick removed from Dalmatian #97 6. Anything that Austin Powers "shagged" on 5. Script from unmade sequel "Dial N For Noodles" 4. Cold sore Private Ryan got after R&R in Paris 3. Tarzan's unwashed loincloth 2. Captain Kirk's abdominal truss 1. Ralph Macchio

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Little League Umpire - July 01, 1999

10. "You better hit a home run, kid -- I got 50 grand riding on this game." 9. "Strikes are the ones in the middle, right?" 8. "Losing team cleans out my garage." 7. "Bad news, you just got traded to Milwaukee." 6. "Hey, is your mom single?" 5. "If I find out that bat's corked, you're going to prison for a very, very long time." 4. "Does this padding make me look fat?" 3. "Hey, watch it with the foul tips -- I got a fifth of bourbon in my hip pocket." 2. "Gooooooooaaaaaal!" 1. "Let's hurry this up -- I don't want to be here when they find the real umpire."

Top Ten Least Inspirational Patriotic Songs - July 02, 1999

10. "The Battle Hymn of Rosie O'Donnell" 9. "God Bless America Except Delaware" 8. ""Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around J. Edgar Hoover" 7. "The 10-10-321 Overture" 6. "Yankee Doodle Dandy Charged With Possession of Cocaine and Soliciting Prostitution" 5. "Star Spangled Danza" 4. "Hooray For The Red, White and Blue Things Floating In My Belgian Coke" 3. "Let's Go Kick The Crap Out Of Greenland" 2. "Stars and Stripes Forever... Or At Least Until This Y2K Thing Blows Us All Sky-High" 1. "When Jar Jar Comes Marching Home"

Top Ten Skeletons In George W. Bush's Closet - July 05, 1999

10. Fathered half the players at this year's Wimbledon. 9. Once killed a Lenscrafter clerk when his glasses weren't ready in about an hour. 8. The "W" Stands for "Winky." 7. In 1988 told dad, "I think Quayle would make a great vice president." 6. He's also married to Barbara Bush. 5. On April 9, 1968 actually had an opinion. 4. Calls brother Jeb "the one with the hick name." 3. Recovering "Opraholic." 2. From 1986 to 1991: Nothing but Nintendo and hookers. 1. Borrowed a skeleton from a local museum, put it in his closet, never returned it.

Top Ten Martha Stewart Tips For Beating The Heat - July 06, 1999

10. Replace shoulder pads with frozen hamburger patties 9. Enjoy chill emanating from your kitchen staff as you fire them 8. Go into 7-11, soak feet in Slurpee machine 7. Two parts hydrogen + one part oxygen = delicious homemade water 6. Go down to morgue and ask if you can sleep in one of the drawers 5. Try completing one of my projects; when you're done, it will be a cool day in October 4. Drain your air conditioner and make refreshing frozen smoothie 3. Constantly whisper to yourself, "Not succumbing to heat stroke -- it's a good thing" 2. Take a piece of cardboard and wave it in front of your face, dumbass 1. Have a "Ben & Jerry Sandwich"

Top Ten Things This Guy Is Thinking At This Instant - July 07, 1999

10. "I hope the hospital has cable." 9. "This is still better than hearing that Cher song again." 8. "Yo quiero ambulance." 7. "This is the last time I buy Bulls tickets from E-bay." 6. "This will be something to tell my children, assuming I can still have children." 5. "Remember, he's just as scared of me as I am of him." 4. "I think I'm living a vida that's a little too loca." 3. "At least I'm not this mouse..." (video of an owl eating a mouse) 2. "Everybody's right -- I am an idiot." 1. "I hope my wife Tipper isn't watching this."

Top Ten Stores Least Likely To Be Looted In A Power Failure - July 08, 1999

10. Mr. Sweaty's Pre-Owned Socks 9. World of Non-Functional TVs 8. Bed, Bath and Bea Arthur 7. All-Wood Amish Cell Phones 6. The Sharpton Image 5. Ed Begley Jr.'s Electric Car Emporium 4. The Pampered Roach -- Cockroach Food and Accessories 3. Uncle Saddam's Smallpox Hut 2. Abra-Cadaver: Your One-Stop Magic Shop and Mortuary 1. Everything Itchy

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Internet Screen Names - July 09, 1999

10. Soon2BeSingle 9. NoDNAHere 8. CarpetBagger99 7. 2Powerful2Go2Jail 6. BiteMeTipper 5. Mad@bill.com 4. Good@lying.com 3. RudySux 2. I'veNeverHeldElectedOfficeOrSetFootInNewYorkButIStillHaveTheGallToRun4Senator 1. Secrets2China

Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Monster Movie - July 13, 1999

10. End comes when monster slips and falls while running with a pair of scissors 9. It includes the line, "Oh no! He's heading straight for Poughkeepsie!" 8. Plot weakness covered up by the monster's rap performances 7. In close-ups, you can see the word "Mattel" on monster's foot 6. The "monster" appears whenever Bob Dole takes his Viagra 5. Forget breathing fire -- the giant monkey has garlic breath 4. Includes the dialogue, "Walk for your lives!" 3. The monster leaves cotton stuffing in its path 2. You can frequently see the puppeteers in the monster's ass 1. His foot is the size of a human foot

Top Ten Reviews of the Movie ANTZ - July 16, 1999

10. "It suckz." 9. "It kickz azz." 8. "Give me back my nine dollarz." 7. "I loved it," says, Jim Nantz. 6. "What a piece of zhit." 5. "Woody Allen's never been easier to look at." 4. "Includes some of the hottest ant sex ever!" 3. "I loved the title song by SS Top." 2. "I liked the part where Woody broke up with his girlfriend ant to marry his daughter ant." 1. "Zzzzzzzzzzzz."

Top Ten Ways I, Dave Letterman, Am Conserving Energy - July 18, 1999

10. Brushing teeth with air conditioner drippings. 9. Goodbye Ricky Martin chat room, hello Ricky Martin pen pals! 8. Four words: bicycle-powered Slurpee machine. 7. Turned off yesterday's Yankee game in the bottom of the 8th inning. 6. Instead of phoning Cher a dozen times a day, just pitching a tent on her front lawn. 5. Going back to the old coal-powered dishwasher. 4. Trying not to fall asleep while leaning against the bug zapper. 3. Instead of electric fans, chimps waving wrestling magazines. 2. Every Top Ten List has only nine items. 1. .

Top Ten Ways The Muppets Can Appeal To Today's Teens - July 20, 1999

10. Sexually curious Gonzo sticks nose in warm apple pie 9. Introduce new Muppet -- Notorious B.I.G. Bird 8. Sesame Street episodes now sponsored by the number 3 and Colt 45 7. Rumble scene with cast of "South Park" where Gonzo shanks Cartman 6. Goodbye singing, dancing and hugging -- hello drinking, fighting and smoking 5. Cookie Monster writes tell-all book about his struggles with eating disorder 4. New fuzzy purple Muppet named "Ritalin" 3. Kermit gets "thug life" tattoo on chest 2. Scooter openly complains about the guy with his hand up his ass 1. Kubrick-style orgy scene in Ernie and Bert's bathtub

Top Ten Signs The Pressure Is Getting To You During A Perfect Game - July 21, 1999

10. When the catcher visits the mound, you gaze deep into this eyes and whisper, "Hold me." 9. You decide to leave after the 7th inning to beat the traffic. 8. You think, "Hey, maybe Dan Quayle wouldn't be such a bad president..." 7. Between innings, you sit in the dugout eating rosin bags. 6. You start to wonder if maybe Dr. J is your real father. 5. You're fantasizing about a whirlpool bath with Phil Rizzuto. 4. Instead of shaking off the catcher, you flip off the catcher. 3. You try to borrow El Duque's raft and defect to Cuba. 2. After each strike, you rip off your jersey and run around in a black sports bra. 1. You help the umpire by licking home plate clean.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From An Ice Cream Vendor - July 22, 1999

10. "Can you believe I found all this ice cream in a dumpster?" 9. "I combed those sprinkles out of my hair this morning." 8. "I'm Ben and Jerry's ex-con brother Lou." 7. "That ice cream is made from 100 percent squirrel milk." 6. "Hey, if it isn't the Dairy Queen himself." 5. "My last customer died of one of those cold headaches." 4. "Doctor says I'm still highly contagious." 3. "There's not a single natural ingredient in this crap on a stick." 2. "Do you mind eating that here, I want to see you lick that thing." 1. "By day it's an ice cream truck, by night, it's a lovemobile."

Top Ten Announcements You're Most Likely To Hear At Woodstock - July 23, 1999

10. "We apologize for the delay--the bizkit is too limp to perform." 9. "The first 80 rows are reserved for former Mick Jagger mistresses only." 8. "Stay away from the brown smoothies." 7. "Mr. Letterman--we've found your pants." 6. "We have a message for a Hillary C. Please leave our state immediately." 5. "Attention: Paul Simon is not to be used as a hacky sack." 4. "DMX, please move your BMW." 3. "Will Willie Nelson's manager please report to the freakout tent." 2. "We hope you've enjoyed this three day festival of peace and love -- now pick up your crap and get the hell out of here." 1. "Ice Cube, please report to the frozen margarita tent."

Top Ten Signs The Ghosts In Your House Don't Give A Damn - July 26, 1999

10. There's a Post-It on freezer that reads "boo." 9. Message in blood on mirror reads: "Please get HBO." 8. When you're away, ghosts answer phone, take messages -- don't give them to you. 7. Mysterious voice tells you to, "Get out now...or don't...it's really up to you..." 6. They give you tape of "The Shining" to watch while they summer in Hamptons. 5. They pick up pace a week before Christmas, hoping for a tip. 4. Spirit asks if he can use you as a reference for job interview at Disneyland. 3. Only thing they can think of is to ring your doorbell and run away. 2. The only things they make disappear are the bottles of Bud in your refrigerator. 1. Always the same excuse: "We don't have to do anything, we're dead."

Top Ten Things Going Through This Guy's (at Woodstock) Mind At This Moment - July 27, 1999

10. "I think I just trampled Wavy Gravy." 9. "I dropped my wallet." 8. "Whoops, just stepped in something gross...whoops, just stepped in something gross...whoops, just stepped in something gross." 7. "I never knew there were so many Bruce Hornsby fans!" 6. "I'm not sure, but I think I just lost my virginity." 5. "I love Woodstock because it lets me express myself as an individual." 4. "Sometimes I feel like a tiny, inconsequential speck lost in a sea of...ooh, check it out, a topless chick!" 3. "My one complaint: The bizkit wasn't quite limp enough." 2. "I sure hope Hillary doesn't find out I'm here." 1. "This Tae-Bo stuff is great!"

Top Ten Books On The New York City Schools Summer Reading List - July 28, 1999

10. "Horton Hears A Gunshot" 9. "The Postman Always Rings Twice...Then Breaks The Window And Steals Your Home Entertainment Center" 8. "'Promotion,' 'Bonus' And Other Words You Will Never Hear After Attending A New York City School" 7. "Encyclopedia Brown And The Mystery Of The Dead Guy On The Subway" 6. "Lord Of The Flies, And Other Street Vendor Names" 5. "A Farewell To Strip Joints Thanks To That Nose Bleed Giuliani" 4. "Moby Dick's Self-Destructive Cousin Andy Dick" 3. "A Clockwork Orange That Reads 'Rolex' But Only Costs $10" 2. "Men Are From Mars, Hillary Clinton's From Arkansas, Damn It!" 1. "Of Mice And Donuts"

Top Ten Things Heard Outside A Limp Bizkit Concert - July 29, 1999

10. "I thought the bizkit was limper than usual." 9. "They're much limper live than they are on record." 8. "Wasn't 'Limp Bizkit' the Secret Service's nickname for Bob Dole?" 7. "If Biz goes solo, do you think Limp and Kit will stay together?" 6. "In my day, we were so poor we went to see an ordinary bizkit and just pretend it was limp." 5. "Man do I feel dumb, I came here for 'Mint Bisquick'." 4. "Didn't they used to be Hootie and the Bizkits?" 3. "Isn't that David Lee Roth selling soda?" 2. "Limp Bizkit really zounded like zhit." 1. "I once saw them on a bill with Cake and Cracker."

Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Cheap Horror Movie - August 02, 1999

10. To save electricity, the killer makes chainsaw noises with his mouth. 9. Mangled corpse in background keeps sneezing. 8. Filmed in something called "Out-of-Focus-Sneezing." 7. On side of monster you can read the word "Hasbro." 6. To save money on fake blood and dummies, they actually killed people. 5. "Monster" looks suspiciously like cardboard cutout of Elvira holding beer. 4. It's just a redubbed Dutch government bicycle safety film. 3. Same actor played all 27 parts, directed the film and sold you the popcorn. 2. Scenes of the witch are just file footage from Hillary's listening tour. 1. Sign in front of theater: "Please tip the serial killer."

Top Ten Signs The 107-Year-Old Twins Are Starting To Get On Each Other's Nerves - August 03, 1999

10. Since 1961: separate Dentucreme tubes 9. One used cigarette lighter to heat up handles on other's walker 8. When one falls asleep, the other puts a tag on her toe and calls the coroner 7. "Willard Scott likes me better" "No he likes me better..." 6. One sold the other's teeth on E-bay 5. Constantly bickering about who left the weight bench all sweaty 4. Endless argument over which Wright brother was cuter 3. Each claims to have "forgotten" the other's birthday 2. One barks at the other, "Stop acting like a 103 year old!" 1. They haven't spoken for 98 years

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Grounded In The Gotti Household - August 04, 1999

10. Borrowing the good car and leaving dad the one that explodes. 9. Throwing body in trunk without first putting down slipcovers. 8. Forgetting to set the VCR on "Sopranos" night. 7. Using drugs supplied by another family. 6. Last night, you said the "F" word three times, which is not nearly enough. 5. Eating at "The Olive Garden." 4. Getting fake i.d. that reads you're already "made." 3. Saying "Forget about it" instead of "Fuggadaboutit." 2. Forgetting to mow dad's chest. 1. Parents finding an FBI application under your mattress.

Top Ten Rejected Names For the New CBS Morning Show - August 05, 1999

10. "Let's Get Ready To Gumbel!" 9. "Live With Regis and Bryant Lee" 8. "Wake Up and Go Back To Sleep" 7. "The Roker-Free Zone" 6. "Everyone Barely Tolerates Bryant" 5. "Diagnosis Bryant" 4. "The CBS Morning Show with Bryant And Some Woman Who Can't Stand Bryant" 3. "Turn That Frown Upside Down With Your Rise 'N' Shine Pal Bryant!" 2. "Good Morning The Six People In America Watching Us" 1. "Get Outta Bed, Losers"

Top Ten Ways Dan Quayle Is Trying To Prove He's Smart - August 06, 1999

10. No more lengthy pauses while reciting alphabet. 9. Claims he knew all along "Blair Witch" was fake. 8. Begins every speech by naming all 27 states. 7. Walks around with shoes untied just so he can show off and tie them for photographers. 6. Completing crossword puzzle on his Chuck E. Cheese place mat. 5. Defeated a Mr. Coffee Machine in a chess match. 4. Instead of saying, "I don't know," now answering, "That information is currently missing from my cranium." 3. Challenges reporters to give him two single-digit numbers to add. 2. While all those other idiots campaign in Iowa, Dan's got Canada all to himself. 1. He's not voting for himself.

Top Ten People We're Pretty Sure Aren't Deep Throat - August 09, 1999

10. Meryl Streep 9. Rod Stewart 8. Poppin' Fresh Doughboy 7. Chong (could be Cheech) 6. The dead guy on the subway 5. Anybody who's ever used the word "Funkalicious" 4. Benedict Arnold 3. Football legend O.J. Simpson -- he's just not the type to get mixed up in any cloak and dagger stuff 2. The gay Teletubby 1. Deepak Chopra

Top Ten Questions On The Russian Prime Minister Application - August 10, 1999

10. Are you or have you ever been a member of the Democratic party? 9. Is it okay if you don't get your salary for a few years? 8. Who currently seems more lifelike, Boris Yeltsin or the mummified corpse of Lenin? 7. How many lies per minute can you type? 6. What do you plan on doing after Boris cans your ass in two weeks? 5. Name all 200 former Soviet republics that end in "-stan." 4. If you're so qualified, why haven't you already defected to the U.S.? 3. Are you skilled at computers? If so, why do you think that would matter here? 2. Could you deal with Madeleine Albright without getting a "breakaway republic" in your pants? 1. Commodore or Pip?

Top Ten Least Popular Roadside Attractions - August 11, 1999

10. The Amazing Bearded Man 9. Tomb of the Unknown Baldwin 8. Last Remaining Natural Nose on Long Island 7. Ride the Wild Unbalanced Washing Machine 6. America's Most Raging Cold Sore 5. USFL Hall of Fame 4. Shake Hands With That Guy Who Played "Cliff" on "Cheers" 3. World's Largest Ball of Phlegm, Springfield, Illinois 2. "Playgirl's Hunkercise" Fantasy Ranch 1. The Amazing House Made Completely of Wood

Top Ten Things That Guy Has Heard About Beef - August 12, 1999

10. If you eat too much of it, it can make your hair look really goofy. 9. It causes "bad acting disease." 8. It comprises 3% of the average McDonald's cheeseburger. 7. It tastes great then a couple hours later an alien bursts our of your stomach. 6. Madonna seems to like it. 5. Cows are keeping a list of people who eat beef for when they rise up and kill the humans. 4. That old lady who said, "Where's the beef?" died from eating beef and pop rocks. 3. It just beat Dan Quayle in an early presidential poll. 2. Something about George Michael and a public restroom. 1. It's been seen sneaking out of Oprah's house early in the morning.

Top Ten Signs The Guy You're Watching Isn't The Real Dalai Lama - August 17, 1999

10. Beings lecture by yelling, "Let's get ready to meditate!" 9. Dedicates his first chant "to all the superfine ladies in the house." 8. When you mention "India," he shouts, "Go Hoosiers!" 7. He's in a steel cage wrestling a guy dressed like the pope. 6. Keeps asking where all the naked Woodstock chicks are. 5. He keeps saying "Funkalicious." 4. His roadies just handed a backstage pass to your girlfriend. 3. The real Dalai Lama would never make that many redneck jokes. 2. Ends sermon by saying, "Enough of my blah, blah, blah, let's hit the nudie joint." 1. Robes have "Baltimore Hilton" embroidered on back.

Top Ten Common Responses To The Question, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' - August 19, 1999

10. "I do" 9. "You bet your sweet ass I do" 8. "Sweet screamin' monkeys, that's a stupid question" 7. "No thanks, I think I'll just keep working here at Radio Shack" 6. "What part of Regis Philbin would I have to touch?" 5. "Not me. I'm Bill Gates and that would be a colossal step backwards" 4. "Who do I have to kill?" 3. "Only if I can get it all in nickels" 2. "Since I'm the Dalai Lama, I am not interested in worldly riches.... Ah, screw it, where's the cash?" 1. "How many crappy magazines do I have to subscribe to?"

Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think 'Pokemon' Is - August 20, 1999

10. That lady that broke up The Beatles 9. That Buddhist dude who was just in Central Park 8. How Jamaican people say "Poke" 7. That giant turtle in those Godzilla movies 6. The stuff Mark McGwire took to grow 90-inch biceps 5. Irish for "Kiss My Ass" 4. Jack Lord's sidekick on Hawaii 5-0 3. How they pronounce "Poker" at those Indian casinos 2. The stuff the FBI found on Monica's dress 1. Ain't that where "beautiful Mt. Airy Lodge" is?

Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If the Numbers 1 Through 9 Did Not Exist - August 26, 1999

10. Casey Kasem would have a lot more free time. 9. . 8. . 7. . 6. . 5. . 4. . 3. . 2. . 1. .

Top Ten Nicknames for New Orleans - September 03, 1999

10. Planet Hangover 9. The Topless Metropolis 8. The Least Annoying French Place on Earth 7. Your Buddy on the Big Muddy 6. John Goodman's Favorite Hangout 5. Where the Saints Go 6-and-10 4. Attack of the Drunken Fraternity Boys 3. The Small Difficult 2. The City that Sobriety Forgot 1. Jambalayapalooza

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Trying To Kill You - September 07, 1999

10. 'Accidentally' leaves slippery chew toy at top of cellar stairs. 9. You see him whittling a knife out of a Snausage. 8. He's reading the Stephen King novel 'Cujo.' 7. Forges your will so that when you die, he gets 400,000 dog biscuits. 6. Leaves photo of you and girlfriend where your wife can't miss it. 5. Recently purchased subscription to 'Soldier of Fortune For Puppies.' 4. You catch him gnawing on your car's brake line. 3. Repainted the sign on your mailbox to read: Rushdie. 2. Whenever you're in the bath, he decides to fetch the radio. 1. When you try to quit smoking, he chews up your nicotine patches.

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If It Were Owned By MTV - September 08, 1999

10. President opens State of Union by giving "shout out to Wu Tang" 9. Instead of the Presidents, school kids must learn the lead singers of Van Halen 8. Biggest complaint about the government: "It never shows videos anymore" 7. George W. Bush refuses to answer whether he's ever "gotten jiggy wit' it" 6. So long Washington Monument, hello Tommy Lee Monument 5. "Great Depression" refers to period between Backstreet Boys albums 4. New national anthem would contain samples of other country's national anthems 3. Instead of death penalty, prisoners forced to watch Britney Spears videos in heavy rotation 2. National health plan to treat males suffering from Limp Bizkit 1. First Lady Marilyn Manson

Top Ten Term Paper Topics Written By Genius Mice - September 09, 1999

10. Our Pearl Harbor: The Day Glue Traps Were Invented 9. A Sociological Study Of Why Cats Suck 8. Mice: The Secret Ingredient In New York Street Vendor Hot Dogs 7. The Horror Of Diet Coke's Laboratory Testing 6. Selling Out For Fame, Drugs And Cheap Women: The Tragic Story Of Mickey Mouse 5. Re-Evaluating Lincoln: What The Hell Did He Ever Do For Mice? 4. The Most Rodent Friendly Company On Earth: Dunkin' Donuts 3. Outsmarting The Mousetrap: Just Take The Cheese Off Really, Really Fast 2. Velveeta: Don't Eat That Waxy, Artificial Crap 1. Rats: Just Big Mice?

Top Ten Features Of The New Khaddafy Car - September 10, 1999

10. Instead of glove compartment: severed-hand compartment. 9. That marvelous "new camel smell." 8. Driver's and passenger's side couscous. 7. Built-in computer that gives you correct spellings of Khaddafy. 6. That cat suctioned to rear window? It's real! 5. Horn that plays a four-hour Khaddafy speech. 4. "My son made the FBI's ten most wanted list" bumper sticker. 3. Side-view mirror with message "Objects in mirror are none of your concern." 2. If you buy one, President Khaddafy might not kill you. 1. Air conditioner lowers temperatures to a chilly 97 degrees.

Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of The Emmys - September 13, 1999

10. Showing up in the same gown as Hugh Downs. 9. Bringing your own orchestra and interrupting winners' speeches after only five seconds. 8. Demonstrating in a very physical way how much you love Raymond. 7. Yelling, "Borrrrrinnnnngggggg!" during montage of actors who passed away this year. 6. When orchestra plays you off, you flip them off. 5. Pointing at Jimmy Smits and screaming, "A ghost! A ghost!" 4. Saying "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman--may I host?" 3. You mention that Andy Dick is your designated driver. 2. Your date wears a "backless gown"; you wear a "frontless tuxedo." 1. Mentioning that you're the guy responsible for "Suddenly Susan."

Top Ten Favorite Mall Stores Of Fat Kids - September 14, 1999

10. Bologna By The Inch 9. Victoria's Secret Stash Of Oreos 8. Gap For Fat Kids 7. Gap For Really Fat Kids 6. Gap For Kids So Fat They Can't Leave The House And Their Mom Has To Come Buy Stuff For Them 5. Senor Sedentary's XXL Sweatpants Shack 4. Old Gravy 3. The Rounder Image 2. Bed, Bath And Big Ass 1. The Cake Depot

Top Ten Signs That The Show Is More Pleasant - September 15, 1999

10. I'm smiling more. 9. I'm laughing more. 8. I'm ending the Top Ten List before it gets lame. 7. . 6. . 5. . 4. . 3. . 2. . 1. .

Top Ten Lame Jokes People Are Making To Guys Named Floyd - September 16, 1999

10. "Here comes Floyd--we'd better evacuate!" 9. "I just saw you on the Weather Channel, dude!" 8. "Floyd, what are you doing here--I thought you were off the coast of the Carolinas!" 7. "Hey Floyd, how about destroying my mother-in-law's house?" 6. "Floyd, the National Weather Service just downgraded you to a category3 dork." 5. "According to your girlfriend, Floyd, you're a tropical storm at best." 4. "Easy on the donuts, Floyd, you're the size of Texas!" 3. "Hey Floyd, how's the stormy weather up there?" (Only for tall guys named Floyd) 2. "Hey Floyd! Blow me!" 1. "Floyd, is that a low pressure system in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Top Ten Weathermen Or Ice Cream Flavor Names - September 17, 1999

10. Mint Chip 9. Storm Field 8. Malt Blizzard 7. Nut Cluster 6. Chunky Roker 5. Stormberry Fieldcake 4. Whip Cherrycrunch 3. Lloyd Lindsey Brickle 2. Willard Scott Wears A Hairpiece Royale 1. Earl Swirl

Top Ten Stories Reported By Sam Donaldson After Smoking Pot - September 20, 1999

10. "Pat Buchanan: Is That Guy a Narc or What?" 9. "Next -- An Exclusive Interview With This Dude I Met At a Phish Concert" 8. "Trouble In The Balkans What Was I Just Talking About?" 7. "Our Person of the Week -- David Crosby" 6. "Breaking News -- Look At My Hand!" 5. "Some Jerk In a Raiders Jacket Sells ABC Newsman Bag of Oregano" 4. "Cool Ranch Doritos -- Yes!" 3. "The Moon Landing? Fake. Think About It, Dude" 2. "Slobodan. Slooo-Bodan. Slobo-Dobo-Dan" 1. "I'm Hungry"

Top Ten Pick-Up Lines Most Frequently Used On Miss America - September 21, 1999

10. "Small world, you're Miss America and I'm Arby's employee of the month." 9. "If you really want to do something charitable, forget world hunger and have sex with me." 8. "How would you like to be the next Mrs. Trump?" 7. "How would you like to be the next Ex-Mrs. Trump?" 6. "Might as well sleep with me, I'm gonna tell my friends you did anyway." 5. "I'm trying to 'visit all 50 states,' if you know what I mean." 4. "I'm mesmerized by your glittering, insincere smile." 3. "I like to wear gowns and tiaras, too." 2. "If you thought the pageant seemed like it would never end, wait till you spend a night with me." 1. "Wanna see my Bert Parks tattoo?"

Top Ten Diana Ross Travel Tips - September 23, 1999

10. Rental car an ugly color? Run down the lot attendant! 9. Always pre-board your false eyelashes. 8. In Japan it is considered rude for a woman to claw an airport worker's face. 7. If blizzard threatens your plans, remind God "I'm Diana Ross!" 6. When frisked by security, scream, "The only person who touches me there is my plastic surgeon!" 5. Limit yourself to 5 costume changes per flight. 4. On hot-air balloon trip, fun to jettison waste on the "little people" below." 3. Gondolier: Rows slow, Gondolier with .357 pointed at head: Rows fast. 2. If security officer yells "Stop!" ignore him -- he's just singing one of your #1 songs. 1. At hotel, always request the "Psychotic Diva Suite."

Top Ten Ways The Y2K Bug Will Affect Your Dog - September 24, 1999

10. He'll spend the entire afternoon trying to fetch a washer/dryer 9. Will turn around three million times before lying down to nap 8. At stroke of midnight, will switch form Cycle 5 back to Cycle 2 7. Three words: exploding chuck wagons 6. Due to Internet disruptions, no downloading obscene photos of Lassie 5. Instead of tick bath, will require weekly Norton Anti-Virus scan 4. Hard to be "man's best friend" when the only 3 men left are huddled in a fallout shelter 3. This will happen: a speaking dog saying "Funkalicious" 2. Water shortage means both you and he will be drinking from the toilet 1. In dog years, the Y2K bug occurred in 286AD

Top Ten Low Points During Dan Quayle's Presidential Campaign - September 27, 1999

10. His three-week whistle-stop tour through Mexico. 9. Spent 16 hours in surgery because "them campaign buttons look like candy." 8. When he saw a U.S. map and said, "No way--there's a North Dakota." 7. His pledge to "make the infirm elderly pull their own weight." 6. His overconfident boast, "We'll win all 36 states!" 5. Used a podium while addressing "Americans Against Podiums." 4. Called for a "full-scale war on literacy." 3. The infamous "escalator incident." 2. Chose this slogan: "A vote for Quayle is a vote straight down the toilet." 1. His support of clemency for Ricky Martin.

Top Ten Signs Garth Brooks Is Nuts - September 28, 1999

10. Hands you cigar and proudly says, "My cowboy hat's pregnant!" 9. Is seriously considering operation that will make him the fourth Judd 8. Earlier today, endorsed Dan Quayle 7. Just released a collection of love songs about James Brolin 6. Spends hours alone in bedroom "Ropin' the wind" 5. New album just 40 minutes of old answering machine messages 4. Speeds up all vocal tracks to "sound more like them adorable chipmunks" 3. Trashes hotel room -- cleans up and vacuums hotel room -- leaves himself generous housekeeping tip 2. Phones Kenny Rogers late at night and whispers "I'm holding them" 1. Has all his money on the Mets

Top Ten Least Intimidating Things To Say To Your Opponent Before A Prizefight - September 29, 1999

10. "Take it easy--I don't want to get all sweaty." 9. "Please hold me." 8. "You look great -- have you been working out?" 7. "I've been very, very bad...punish me." 6. "Every time I look into those fabulous eyes, I melt." 5. "I watched a fantastic documentary on the Discovery Channel last night." 4. "Do I have time to go grab some donuts?" 3. "I float like a butterfly...I love butterflies!" 2. "That 'Sixth Sense' movie made me tremble like a newborn doe." 1. "Can't we just talk about this over a spot of tea?"

Top Ten Tommy Lee Jones Roles - September 30, 1999

10. Hard-nosed U.S. Marshall chasing wrongly-accused fugitive 9. No-nonsense U.S. Marshall chasing wrongly-accused fugitive 8. Gruff U.S. Marshall who sees dead people 7. Intense McDonald's employee chasing customer who took too many napkins 6. Completely insane Diana Ross chasing airport security guard 5. Adorable little ballerina chasing her dream 4. By-the-book, break-all-the-rules detective trying to figure out whether you can be both by the book and break all the rules 3. Determined Sosa chasing steroid-crazed McGwire 2. Hyperactive morning talk show host annoying people who want to be millionaires 1. Chase bank employee chasing after Chevy Chase

Top Ten University Classes Taught By Oprah Winfrey - October 01, 1999

10. World War II: The U.S. Tells Germany "Talk To The Hand" 9. Music History: Is Luther Vandross Too Fine, Or What? 8. Economics 433: I Own Everything 7. Great American Books With "Ya-Ya" In The Title 6. Great Women In History: It's Just Joan Of Arc And Myself 5. Beef Is Bad 4. Beef Is Really Bad (Prerequisite: Must Take "Beef Is Bad") 3. How To Drive Steadman Wild In Bed 2. Geology 101: Tectonic Plates Gotta Stay Strong And Keep Believing, Girlfriend 1. Talk Show Hosts Who Wear Cheap Shirts

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Arnold Schwarzenegger Were President - October 03, 1999

10. State of Maryland converted to weight room 9. Social Security benefits tied to how much you can squat 8. He'd be the first Austrian weight-lifting President since Jimmy Carter 7. On Easter, children search White House lawn for invisible alien predators 6. White House intern would have to deal with this (footage of Arnold feeding a woman carrots from an old film) 5. Eagle on Presidential seal would be a lot more "ripped" 4. President throws out first ball; catcher sustains season-ending injury 3. President blows up Congress, then mutters "Veto, you bastards" 2. Saddam Hussein appears on TV with busted lip to announce full compliance with U.N. 1. Goodbye Arbor Day, hello Bicep Day

Top Ten Things That Haven't Happened In New York In 11 Years - October 05, 1999

10. Rupert Jee's Hello Deli passing a health inspection. 9. An American winning the New York Marathon. 8. My saying the words "Ralph Macchio." 7. The Late Show doing something about balcony louse problem. 6. Regis Philbin sitting quietly for an hour. 5. Carol Channing having sex. 4. Me having sex. 3. Me having sex with Carol Channing. 2. Carol Channing telling me "Don't worry, it happens to everyone." 1. The #1 on a Top Ten List actually being funny.

Top Ten Things Don Zimmer Said After Being Hit In The Head By a Baseball - October 06, 1999

10. "What am I doing at a baseball game? I'm a ballerina" 9. "I like bunnies" 8. "I think Hillary Clinton would make a fine New York senator" 7. "I like bunnies; did I say that already?" 6. "At least it got that damn 'Mambo #5' song out of my head..." 5. "I see dead people!" 4. "That Yogi Berra makes a lot of sense" 3. "Torre, you bum, put in Babe Ruth!" 2. "Someone tell Mariah that Derek Jeter's all mine" 1. "Go Mets!"

Top Ten Tips For Living 100 Years - October 07, 1999

10. Break it up into a couple of manageable fifty-year chunks. 9. Get at least 23 hours of sleep a night. 8. Have motivational goal such as outliving that punk Hugh Downs. 7. Daily exercise such as walking to the adult book shop. 6. For the love of God, don't name your kids "Lyle" and "Erik." 5. If Chuck Knoblauch is at bat, wear a helmet. 4. Stay the hell away from the Hindenberg. 3. Keep telling yourself: "Willard Scott birthday greeting...Willard Scott birthday greeting..." 2. Forget that New Age crap -- sweat the small stuff. 1. Avoid dying.

Top Ten Middle-Of-The-Night Messages Siegfried Leaves on Roy's Answering Machine - October 08, 1999

10. "Don't forget, tomorrow's the day we bleach the tigers." 9. "Hi Siegfried, it's Roy -- or wait, am I Siegfried? Either way, call me." 8. "I was just watching a documentary about tigers and it sorta made me think of you." 7. "I'm still combing your damn sequins out of my hair." 6. "Want to go to Hooters and pretend to look at chicks?" 5. "Come quick... Crazed bengal... Losing blood..." 4. "Don't kid yourself -- I can always find another sexually-ambiguous, freaky looking, German magician/animal trainer." 3. "I just had a terrible realization -- we're ridiculous." 2. "Got any shaving cream? I'm doing my chest and I ran out." 1. "Dr. Carlson says it's time for our yearly face-tightening."

Top Ten Ways Columbus' Crew Passed Time On Their Two-Month Voyage - October 11, 1999

10. Testing equipment to make sure it was Y1.5K compliant. 9. Complaining about how they don't get Columbus Day off. 8. Pretending to enjoy Columbus' weird alter ego "Chris Gaines." 7. "Polishing the telescope." 6. "Pumping the bilge." 5. "Placing all hands on deck." 4. "Buffing the scrimshaw." 3. "Oiling the bow thruster." 2. "Shaking hands with the first mate." 1. "Baiting the mast."

Top Ten Science Papers That Won't Be Winning A Nobel Prize - October 12, 1999

10. "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection" 9. "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!" 8. "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?" 7. "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car" 6. "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino" 5. "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'" 4. "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude" 3. "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum" 2. "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks" 1. "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"

Top Ten Donald Trump Campaign Slogans - October 13, 1999

10. "He'll Make Our National Defense As Impenetrable As His Hair." 9. "A New First Lady For Each Year Of His Candidacy." 8. "He'll Give This Country The Same Attention He Gives His Flimsy, Poorly-Constructed Apartment Buildings." 7. "Fewer $350 Hammers -- More 99-Cent Shrimp Cocktails." 6. "Trump/Oprah -- Still Less Embarrassing That Clinton/Gore." 5. "He'll Buy Iraq And Turn It Into A Highly Profitable Parking Lot." 4. "Friend Of The Working Man, And Even Better Friend Of The Working Girl." 3. "You've Placed Losing Bets At His Casinos -- Now Place A Losing Bet On His Candidacy." 2. "Finally A President Who Knows When To Get Out Of A Bad Marriage." 1. "Because He Really Needs To Boost His Self-Esteem."

Top Ten Other Ways CBS Is Pushing The Envelope - October 14, 1999

10. Every week on "60 Minutes," Morley holds up a gas station 9. CBS Football hires Chippendale dancers to recreate groin pulls 8. "The Young and the Restless" now 20% more restless 7. Our Top Ten list has four funny entries instead of three 6. On a very special "60 Minutes," Morley Safer gets a "Lewinsky" 5. Surprise endings: like sometimes diagnosis isn't murder 4. On "The Price Is Right," Bob Barker neuters losing contestants 3. Martha Stewart teaches Pat Buchanan how to build stenciled clapboard wall to keep out foreigners 2. On slow news days, Dan Rather just makes shit up as he goes along 1. A Gumbel for every show whether they need one or not

Top Ten Things That Sound Creepy When Said By John Malkovich - October 15, 1999

10. "Does this look infected to you?" 9. "I put my jammies on all by myself, mommy!" 8. "You mean I get all these great funk classics on just one compact disc?" 7. "Senator Hillary Clinton" 6. "I can provide references from my last hospital job." 5. "Nougat!" 4. "I love you, Ted Danson." 3. "Your glasses will be ready in about an hour, Ted Danson." 2. "Johnny likes bunnies." 1. "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies - October 20, 1999

10. Bit-O-Squirrel 9. Poisonettes 8. Good n' Sweaty 7. Middlefinger 6. Della Reese's Pieces 5. Clam Duds 4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg 3. Gummy Marrow 2. Ken Starrburst 1. Osmond Joy

Top Ten Signs Your Judge Is On Drugs - October 25, 1999

10. In middle of trial points to defendant and says, "Dude, you are so guilty." 9. Shrieks that spiders are crawling all over the gavel. 8. When an undercover policeman testifies, judge yells "Narc!" 7. The bailiff: a bearded guy in a Santana t-shirt selling rope bracelets. 6. Perks up whenever someone uses phrase "joint custody." 5. Wants to replace closing arguments with "Laser Zeppelin." 4. Every time lawyer objects, judge replies, "Quit harshing my mellow!" 3. Instead of Bible, has witness swear on copy of "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas." 2. When bailiff says "Order in the court," judge shouts "I'll have Doritos, lots of Doritos!" 1. Always citing the landmark case of "Cheech V. Chong."

Top Ten Signs The Money Is Going To Martha Stewart's Head - October 26, 1999

10. Now making doilies out of original Van Goghs 9. Just for a laugh, bet a few million on the Braves 8. New book: "Make Your Own Potpourri, Suckers, Martha's Moving To Aruba" 7. Compulsively washes hands after coming into contact with non-billionaires 6. Hired skywriter to fly over Oprah's house and write, "I'm ten times richer than you, girlfriend" 5. Purchased Canada -- redrawing provinces in delightful floral patterns 4. Traded in her '86 Skylark for a '94 Dodge Neon 3. Now screams at help with phony British accent 2. Old catchphrase: It's A Good Thing. New catchphrase: It's a Very Good Thing You Couldn't Afford In Your Wildest Dreams 1. Now arranges table settings using global positioning system

Top Ten Things The Yankees Have Always Wanted To Say - October 28, 1999

10. Take off the Yankee hat, Hillary. (Catcher Jim Leyritz) 9. You haven't lived until you've scratched yourself in front of 20 million viewers. (Pitcher Jeff Nelson) 8. You know how you have to give 100%? When you play the Marlins, you gotta give 40 or 50%. (Infielder Clay Bellinger) 7. Late Show audiences are the best in the world. (Pitcher Jason Grimsley) 6. We didn't win because of our pitching or hitting, we won because of our fans! (Pitcher Jason Grimsley) 5. I really like saying things I don't mean to get cheap applause. (Pitcher Jason Grimsley) 4. Man oh man do I love betting on baseball. (Pitching coach Mel Stottlemeyer) 3. I don't play for the money, I play because I like having guys pat me on my ass. (Pitcher Roger Clemens) 2. Chicks dig me. (Shortstop Derek Jeter--actually, building engineer George Clarke) 1. I was rooting for the Braves. (Manager Joe Torre)

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Bottom Of A World Series Pile On - October 29, 1999

10. "Oh my God, we're missing the Bradley-Gore debate!" 9. "Uh guys, it's only the third inning." 8. "Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I want to be your senator." 7. "This reminds me of last night at your sister's house." 6. "I can't move my hands--will somebody scratch me?" 5. "Oh, so that's what Luis Sojo's cleat tastes like." 4. "I'd like to talk to all of you about the benefits of Scientology." 3. "The season's over, so I'll finally have time to treat this mysterious, oozing skin condition." 2. "Mmm, you smell like fresh lilacs." 1. "This is man-tastic!"

Top Ten Al Roker Recurring Nightmares - November 01, 1999

10. Loses autographed photo of Sara Lee 9. During 5-day forecast, forgets how to point 8. Has no mouth in a world where everything is made of waffles 7. He's chased around darkened studio by Gene Shalit's homicidal mustache 6. He's Santa at the NBC Christmas party and Willard won't get off his lap 5. Temporarily unable to say, "Here's what's going on in your neck of the woods" 4. Hellish apocalypse consumes mankind and he only predicted 20% chance of apocalypse 3. He's a balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and a little boy pops him with a pin 2. Where in the world is Matt Lauer? In bed with Mrs. Roker 1. Somebody finds out "Al" is short for "Alice"

Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of David Hasselhoff's Character On Baywatch - November 02, 1999

10. Dies after double chin gets caught in outboard motor. 9. Swims 29 minutes after lunch, cramps, drowns. 8. Run over by a talking Trans-Am. 7. Super-intelligent dolphin hears Hasselhoff album, hunts him down, head butts him to death. 6. Resigns in disgust after lifeguard with real breasts is hired. 5. Checks into rehab to kick addiction to aloe. 4. Decides nine years as California lifeguard gives him experience necessary to run for New York Senate. 3. He's kidnapped by Cher and becomes part of her "man zoo." 2. Suffers ruptured abdomen after years of sucking in his gut. 1. Replaced by cardboard cutout of himself -- no one notices.

Top Ten Least Rented Christmas Movies - December 16, 1999

10. "'Twas 243 Nights Before Christmas" 9. "Frosty, the Anatomically Correct Snowman" 8. "Deuce Bistletoe: Male Mistletoe" 7. "The Grinch Who Sold Christmas On Ebay" 6. "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection" 5. "Yo Ho Ho! Dave Letterman's Rappin' Christmas" 4. Discovery Channel Presents: "Elf Autopsy" 3. "Let's See What Bing Crosby Looks Like Now!" 2. "Tiny Tim: Big Where It Counts" 1. "Yentl"

Top Ten Intriguing Facts About Albert Einstein - December 17, 1999

10. Attributed his intelligence to eating nothing but Fritos 9. Most famous formula: "Professional wrestling + sitting naked on sofa = fun" 8. Hosted failed game show, "Win Einstein's Money" 7. Once sat atop a billboard for 10 straight days to win Black Sabbath tickets 6. Theory of relativity inspired by malt liquor-fueled sex-a-thon at Hef's mansion 5. Mathematically proved impossibility of Hillary becoming senator 4. Whenever anyone did something dumb, he'd say, "Nice going, me." 3. Faked his own death, shaved his mustache and today goes by the name Merv Griffin 2. Copied "E=MC2" from Chinese kid who sat next to him in physics class 1. His older brother Gary -- now there's a smart guy

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear The Morning After Your Office Christmas Party - December 20, 1999

10. "Man, you are one hairy son-of-a-bitch." 9. "I've never seen anyone drink so much Xerox toner." 8. "You've got messages from your wife, her lawyer, the ASPCA, and both Siegfried and Roy." 7. "Hey, dude, thanks for the kidney." 6. "Thanks to you, now I know I'm gay." 5. "Hey, dude, thanks for your other kidney." 4. "You should sue the hell out of whomever posted those photos on the web." 3. "Until you, no one had the guts to call Steinbrenner a bastard to his face." 2. "What time this morning did the paramedics dislodge the stapler?" 1. "Security! He's back!"

Top Ten Signs The Stress Is Getting To Santa - December 21, 1999

10. He's begun selling elves on e-bay 9. Giving every child in world a broken Slinky and a card that reads "Go nuts" 8. Complaining that he's a grown man "surrounded by midgets and red-nosed donkeys" 7. Yesterday in a quiet ceremony, converted to Islam 6. Has been making personal appearances wearing Mrs. Claus's red velvet gown 5. After first "Ho..." often trails off into silence 4. Long rambling addresses to elves about black helicopters 3. His "Christmas carols" contain a lot of rhymes with the word "Nantucket" 2. Violated longstanding agreement by outing Blitzen 1. He's down to 530 pounds

Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From A Kid - December 22, 1999

10. "Are you really jolly or is it the Prozac?" 9. "I can see what you had for lunch in your beard." 8. "My mommy says that you're my real daddy." 7. "Red is not your color, fat man." 6. "I see dead people." 5. "All I want for Christmas is some gamblin' money." 4. "The lady over there said you're drunk." 3. "What's your policy on giving cigarettes to kids?" 2. "I'm Jewish--what are you gonna do about it?" 1. "If I see one Teletubby -- I'm coming after you."

Top Ten Favorite Adult Films Of Wall Street Traders - December 23, 1999

10. "The Very Big Compensation Package" 9. "Barely Mature Bonds" 8. "The Devil In Dow Jones" 7. "Price/Earnings Ratios Calculated By Hot Sluts" 6. "Entering The Asian Market" 5. "Salomon Sisters" 4. "Bodacious Beauties Who Love Balding, Pudgy, Middle-Aged Desk Jockeys" 3. "Behind The Greenspan" 2. "Charles Schwab Does Dallas" 1. "Trump's Tower"

Top Ten Features Of The New Popemobile - December 27, 1999

10. Rear-view mirror that reads "Objects in mirror are holier than they appear." 9. Stained-glass windshield. 8. Radio automatically switches stations when Sinead O'Connor comes on. 7. Pope can now climb in window like Bo and Luke Duke. 6. Bumper sticker: "Don't ask me about my grandson as I have taken a life-long vow of celibacy." 5. More hat room than any car in its class. 4. Electronic mapping device shows Earth at center of solar system. 3. Radar detector--'cause Pope can't drive 55. 2. Transmission that doesn't break down every six months--now that would be a miracle, am I right, people? 1. Corners like a snake in a rat hole.

Top Ten Things First-Time Visitors To New York Say - December 28, 1999

10. "I'll give you ten dollars to pull up your pants." 9. "Them rats is big enough to milk." 8. "Could you please not point that at me, Mr. Puffy?" 7. "If we get separated, I'll meet you at Starbucks." 6. "I'll thank you to stop vomiting on my wife, sir." 5. "It's obvious--the red queen is in the middle...damn!" 4. "A date with you? I don't even know you, young lady." 3. "Ok, ok -- this time, the red queen is on the left...damn!" 2. "No hookers, no x-rated movies, no drug dealers -- this place sucks!" 1. "I know my ticket's for next week, but dear God is there any way to leave today?"

Top Ten Phrases That Were Not Spoken This Millennium - December 29, 1999

10. "We can't have sex here -- this is the Oval Office." 9. "Could you put that in layman's terms, Mr. Quayle?" 8. "A bass solo? Great!" 7. "The World Champion New Jersey Nets" 6. "And this is Richard Simmons Jr." 5. "I want my hair cut just like Donald Trump's." 4. "Table for two, Mr. Letterman?" 3. "I just saw the most hilarious episode of 'Veronica's Closet'." 2. "And the NAACP Image Award goes to...John Rocker!" 1. "Why is the number one always so damn funny?"

Top Ten Dumb Guy New Year's Resolutions - December 30, 1999

10. Eat more paint. 9. Remove glass from TV screen, crawl through into "Baywatch." 8. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store. 7. Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if "waffle tree" has grown yet. 6. I's gonna build me a spaceship! 5. Lose every pound of weight. 4. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush. 3. Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy. 2. Oh who am I kidding, if it looks like candy -- it's candy. 1. Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

Top Ten Effects of Y2K - December 31, 1999

10. Stuff's gonna 'splode. 9. The Big Dipper will fall out of the sky and kill a guy in Sweden. 8. Everyone's voice will suddenly sound exactly like mine. 7. Michael Jackson will finally look in the mirror and say, "My God, what the hell is wrong with me?" 6. There will be a new letter added to the English alphabet--"Ngeepee." 5. A computer glitch will force Bill Gates to pay off every American's credit card. 4. No more answering the phone by saying: "Yello!" 3. Every kid will lose interest in that Pokemon crap. 2. Ricky Martin will become even more "mantastic." 1. Despite assurances from high-ranking officials that it could not happen, refuting decades of conventional scientific wisdom, flying the in the face of smug predictions by so-called experts, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese will become even cheesier.
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