Friday 20th June

I thought that Yana was to take his driver‘s test today but it had apparently occurred yesterday and he had actually passed! I was most surprised. Tess hadn‘t expected him to pass either. The examiner had been in Byron a few days previously and had actually spoken to Yana in the noodle bar. He said that he felt a lot more comfortable as a result of the encounter and together with copious drops of rescue remedy hadn‘t found the experience so arduous. He actually suspected that they were being a little lenient. If he had failed again I may have been driven to investigate the matter a little further. So now he is independent and this relieves me immensely. Great news.

There was a lot of frost on the ground but because I was warm inside the coolness had no impact on me. In fact I totally ignored it. The sun shone bravely and I enjoyed reading the local newspaper the Examiner. I really was quite comfortable.

My father had dragged out a few boxes of my belongings that he had stored for the last few years and asked me to go through them. He wanted to get rid of them. So there I was going through my past life being forced to discard the last few things that meant a great deal to me. It was very painful. I also had to throw out some teaching resources, which wasn’t easy. I would like to hope that I would need them again but had to be realistic as well. I suppose I should be looking forward and not backwards but it is not easy.

Thursday 19th June

I was booked in for chemo in the morning and made my way through a pile of food and house renovation magazines. It must be wonderful to have masses of money, buy a wreck of a building and magically convert it into a home of style. I will admit to feeling slightly envious.

In the afternoon I was drained, the fluid had built up alarmingly throughout the morning and I knew I was going to be in for a hard night. It was a day early and indicates that the fluid is out of control but there is little that can be done to stop it. I just have to accept what is happening.

I have been scouring the real estate advertisements and have found to my horror that prices have skyrocketed. A cheap house is no longer available unless you go out forty or fifty kilometers from Launceston. So even Tasmania is becoming unaffordable!

Wednesday 18th June

A leisurely morning, as my mornings tend to be, and then off to see the oncologist at mid-day. The news was not good. The scans clearly showed that I have some rather nasty large chunks of cancer throughout my abdomen and this could explain why I am feeling so wretched. Perhaps my time is running out, it is a very scary prospect. Then again I have been at rock bottom before and have responded at the last moment so who knows. It could happen again.

Launceston is a pretty city and I regret not being able to walk around and revisit some of my favourite spots. I will just have to hold on dearly onto my memories of them. It is the same with Bandung, at least when I close my eyes I can see both cities very clearly.

I am missing Yana although he calls almost every day. It is unfortunate that we are so far apart. I also manage to talk with Sam and Tess regularly but really look forward to seeing them in the flesh and giving them a big hug.

Tuesday 17th June

I was able to have a day at home without appointments and commitments, and it was a pleasant prospect. The sun was shining and I was as warm as toast I sitting in my father‘s living room. I had actually had a good night‘s sleep thanks to the morphine and was feeling very grateful for the experience. Things were bearable and I was able to settle down to some serious reading of the my Indian novel.

The newspaper reported the death of a young eighteen year lad who was the younger brother of one of Tess‘s friends. The news shocked me as the fellow was just stepping out into life. He hadn‘t really made much of a start and was now to remain forever young. I had no difficulty imagining the anguish the family would be going through. I have at least had a bit of a life and although I feel that my departure is still premature, but I can‘t really complain.

Simon Crean seems to have survived the leadership challenge and I was pleased with the news. He has never had much media support and is bagged at every turn. I sincerely doubt whether his performance is so inadequate that he merits such unfortunate treatment. It would actually seem that the challenge has done him well as he has coped extraordinarily well with the pressure.

Monday 16th June

I got up early, as I was relieved that the morning had finally arrived. It had been an absolutely and utterly torrid night. I had listened to the radio for hours and this had been integral to getting through. There was a rock programme and among other things, they had discussed the Eagles. They even played ‘Hotel California’ which of course is an old favourite of mine. It brought back to mind happier days in Moritz in Bandung.

My father took me to the Holman clinic where I looked forward to being relieved of the excruciating pain. Unfortunately I was left waiting in a little room, all by myself for three hours, by which time I was beside myself and not in a fit state for anything. Eventually, I was given some morphine and was then able to relax and lie with some semblance of comfort.

Finally a doctor emerged and the draining apparatus was inserted. After an hour or so I could feel the difference and the horrendous pain disappeared. The morphine was a help and I lay in a semi sleep for most of the afternoon as the fluid drained. I had needed some sleep so desperately. By the time the fluid stopped flowing I was a much restored person. I am normally quite exhausted after draining but I actually felt better this time. I had been so uncomfortable before.

Sunday 15th June

Some more friends, former teaching collegues, Patsy and Ellen, dropped by in the morning. It was lovely to see them again and catch up on things. Patsy is looking after some more young wombats who are very demanding of her time and Ellen was preparing to return to school the following day after a relaxing two week holiday break.

The fluid was starting to build up as the afternoon progressed and was beginning to cause me some distress. I had hoped to hang out to Tuesday but could see that this was not going to be possible. By mid evening the pain was excruciating. I couldn‘t sit or lie in any position, and wondered how I would get through the night.

I had helped myself to sleeping tablets, panadol, and Norfolk Punch (a gift from Ellen that supposedly helped sleep but nothing made any impression on the pain that the distended belly was causing me. I longed to call the hospital for an ambulance but as I had only been there a few nights before didn‘t think that this was appropriate. They may start considering me as a nuisance.

Saturday 14th June

I felt marginally better and accompanied my father into the city to do some errands. He had purchased a phone card for me that was invalid so it needed returning. Getting the situation rectified was time consuming and I eventually had to ask for a chair. I am not good at standing up for any length of time and was starting to panic. Fortunately they were obliging and the new card was co-operative.

I bought some natural sleeping tablets from a chemist because I have reached the end of the tether with my insomnia. One or two hours sleep a night is just not good enough. I didn‘t want to hit the heavy drugs straight away and decided to start with something natural. I have also invested in some paracetamol, as I am sure that the constant pain is not helping the sleeping problems. I have been stoic for so long but the situation is not getting any better. If anything it is wearing me down.

I caught up with my friend Sue in the afternoon. It was lovely to talk and hear about her trip to India, she had even dropped by an Indian novel a few days later. I was greatly indebted to her for this as I had nothing to read and was in desperate need of a good book.

Friday 13th June

I am not hugely suspicious but still am a little uncomfortable about black Fridays. I will feel happier when the day is over. Not only was the day an auspicious one, but it was cold, wet and very miserable. Hardly the sort of weather one should be out and about in if it cannot be avoided.

I was not allowed to eat breakfast as I was to have a CT scan in the morning. I was allowed to drink some foul tasting liquid instead. This was no compensation, let me assure you. After the scan which was quick and relatively painless I had to rush to the Nuclear Medicine people and have a bone scan. This was not so pleasant.

The bone scan takes quite some time and I was forced to lie on this narrow bed with my arms strapped to my side. This was highly uncomfortable and became even more so as time passed. Presumably because I am so tall it would have taken even longer. Just my luck!

Thursday 12th June

On the advice of the nursing friend from the previous evening my father and I visited the Holman Clinic (cancer clinic) at the General hospital early in the morning. She said that a visit would be much more effective than a phonecall and was right. While I was talking to the receptionist a woman walked past who had administered some chemo to me a few years ago. She recognized me as we both share a love for Indonesia and invited me to her office. She was now the nurse manager and in five minutes was able to organise an immediate appointment with the oncologist that I could only see, at the earliest, in ten days time! I left the hospital with a whole batch of referrals and a grin on my face.

After such an exhausting morning I took it nice and easy in the afternoon. Anything out of the ordinary just knocks me about terribly.

Later in the afternoon we had to venture out one more time because I still didn‘t have my referral for the specialist, even though I had already seen him. The GP wasn‘t prepared to talk over the phone and wanted to see me. Yet he could easily have faxed a referral. I was a little unimpressed, I was not well, and I hope he wasn‘t being awkward just for the money. He sunk in my estimation as he wasn‘t prepared to respect my frailty.

Wednesday 11th June

I met my new doctor who was very confident and talkative. I felt quite happy by the time I left and felt sure that my needs would be addressed. An appointment for draining at the ST. Vincents Hospital was made for that evening which somewhat concerned me. I would have preferred the General Hospital. He told me that I would have to wait days for a an appointment there.

The draining was a fiasco. They were going to remove only two or three litres which horrified me from the start and were going to do so manually, by a hand pump. I have encountered this before and it is most ineffective. It is also highly wasteful of a skilled technician‘s precious time. The pumping did not proceed well as there was only one hole in the tube that had been inserted in my abdomen. There should be at least ten! It was archaic and it upset me. I explained that gravity was just as effective and the two men did experiment a little so we managed to get a little more fluid but not much. When they asked me return the next day I politely declined. I need a much more efficient approach and was much better off in the Casualty department.

Later that evening, when back home, I found that I was quite distressed. I couldn‘t breathe and felt dizzy. When the situation didn‘t improve my father called an ambulance. In hospital they did a few tests, gave me oxygen and a shot of morphine which removed that awful pain that had been driving me mad. I met two old friends who were working on the emergency floor and once I was recovered was able to talk to them at quite some length. At midnight I was discharged.

Tuesday 10th June

My father‘s local doctor and all the other doctors in the area are not taking on new customers. We tried to explain that I was really only in need of a referral to specialists and doctors much more powerful and knowledgeable than a mere GP but they were not helpful. Eventually a doctor was located in the city who would take me on and an appointment for the following day was made. I wondered what was wrong with him. Why didn‘t he have a full book too?

My parents went out to the Riverside Motor inn for lunch with three of their Dutch friends. The food was mediocre but the prices substantial. Fortunately Pat had collected a whole price of half price dockets so that softened the blow somewhat. I don‘t mind paying for food but at least expect quality and this was very short of the mark.

I rested for most of the afternoon as I still don‘t have a drop of extra energy. I doubt whether the lack of sleep each night is helping. It is wearing me into the ground.

Monday 9th June

It was a holiday which is great for the working multitudes but did little for me. I had to defer my attempts of finding a doctor and setting up an assistance network. Meanwhile I sent Sammie an sms as she was celebrating her twenty third birthday. The years are certainly passing.

A fellow came to give me a massage which was pleasant even though the morning was cold, grey and drizzling. The room downstairs was slow to heat up but I was not too uncomfortable. Keith was an Englishman and talked cheerfully throughout the whole session. He gave me a big kiss on the forehead at the end. I doubt whether it was anything to get worried about as I look emaciated and ancient. My hair has fallen out on the back of my head leaving a bald spot common to many old ladies and the rest stands listlessly on end. I am not a pretty picture.

My parent’s cooking is going down a treat and I am greatly enjoying the home cooked meals. I can‘t eat huge platefuls but I can do a reasonable job and keep it down as well. At present I am eating everything because I am far too thin to just worry about what is supposedly healthy. Besides most ‘appropriate’ food for people in my condition seems to stick in my throat.

Sunday 8th June

If I had been exhausted yesterday then I was staggered to discover that I felt even worse on Sunday. It just doesn‘t seem to get any better. I am not experiencing much quality of life at present and am fast losing heart.

I discouraged friends from visiting as I simply wasn‘t up to social contact. This disheartened me further but there was little choice.

Sleep still eludes me and I wander about the house in the wee hours making cups of tea, filling up my hot water bottle and eating snacks. My appetite is there, which is a small mercy.

Saturday 7th June

I felt half alive so didn‘t get up to much. I made telephone contact with a few friends and a family friend visited but talking exhausted me. The sun was shining and it was really pleasant in my father‘s living room. It was all I could do to lie there and take it easy

My father bought the weekend papers and I managed to make my way through them. I think I upset my father with my anti John Howard talk, not to mention my disgust with a lot of American actions. I will have to keep my mouth closed as they are both staunch supporters of everything I disagree with.

Watched quite a bit of television as I knew that I would be having trouble sleeping if I was so stupid as to try to go to bed early. Sad really because I have always been a good sleeper and a delicious sleep is one of the pleasures in life.

Friday 6th June

I got up early which was no hardship as I don’t seem able to sleep anyway. I ordered a taxi and nothing came of it, which didn‘t surprise me. The computer who answered said it knew my address but I didn’t feel confident about its talents. A second phonecall half an hour afterwards resulted in a return call some minutes later and I was finally speaking to a human being. It then transpired that the computer had got the address wrong. Surprise, surprise! I knew all along that they simply should have asked me for my address.

Thursday

Wednesday

Monday

Sunday I had recovered somewhat but was still able to do little but lie round. We went for a bit of a drive around midday, and passed lovely older style houses with attractive gardens. Kilometres and kilometers of them. Brighton Beach looked a little cold and dismal but I’m sure is quite pleasant in summer. The rest of the day was fairly routine, maintaining my meditation sessions and then heading off to the Ch’i Kung group at night. We lived literally minutes away and it was no hardship.

Saturday

Friday

Thursday

Wednesday

Tuesday

Friday 20th June

I thought that Yana was to take his driver‘s test today but it had apparently occurred yesterday and he had actually passed! I was most surprised. Tess hadn‘t expected him to pass either. The examiner had been in Byron a few days previously and had actually spoken to Yana in the noodle bar. He said that he felt a lot more comfortable as a result of the encounter and together with copious drops of rescue remedy hadn‘t found the experience so arduous. He actually suspected that they were being a little lenient. If he had failed again I may have been driven to investigate the matter a little further. So now he is independent and this relieves me immensely. Great news.

There was a lot of frost on the ground but because I was warm inside the coolness had no impact on me. In fact I totally ignored it. The sun shone bravely and I enjoyed reading the local newspaper the Examiner. I really was quite comfortable.

My father had dragged out a few boxes of my belongings that he had stored for the last few years and asked me to go through them. He wanted to get rid of them. So there I was going through my past life being forced to discard the last few things that meant a great deal to me. It was very painful. I also had to throw out some teaching resources, which wasn’t easy. I would like to hope that I would need them again but had to be realistic as well. I suppose I should be looking forward and not backwards but it is not easy.

Thursday 19th June

I was booked in for chemo in the morning and made my way through a pile of food and house renovation magazines. It must be wonderful to have masses of money, buy a wreck of a building and magically convert it into a home of style. I will admit to feeling slightly envious.

In the afternoon I was drained, the fluid had built up alarmingly throughout the morning and I knew I was going to be in for a hard night. It was a day early and indicates that the fluid is out of control but there is little that can be done to stop it. I just have to accept what is happening.

I have been scouring the real estate advertisements and have found to my horror that prices have skyrocketed. A cheap house is no longer available unless you go out forty or fifty kilometers from Launceston. So even Tasmania is becoming unaffordable!

Wednesday 18th June

A leisurely morning, as my mornings tend to be, and then off to see the oncologist at mid-day. The news was not good. The scans clearly showed that I have some rather nasty large chunks of cancer throughout my abdomen and this could explain why I am feeling so wretched. Perhaps my time is running out, it is a very scary prospect. Then again I have been at rock bottom before and have responded at the last moment so who knows. It could happen again.

Launceston is a pretty city and I regret not being able to walk around and revisit some of my favourite spots. I will just have to hold on dearly onto my memories of them. It is the same with Bandung, at least when I close my eyes I can see both cities very clearly.

I am missing Yana although he calls almost every day. It is unfortunate that we are so far apart. I also manage to talk with Sam and Tess regularly but really look forward to seeing them in the flesh and giving them a big hug.

Tuesday 17th June

I was able to have a day at home without appointments and commitments, and it was a pleasant prospect. The sun was shining and I was as warm as toast I sitting in my father‘s living room. I had actually had a good night‘s sleep thanks to the morphine and was feeling very grateful for the experience. Things were bearable and I was able to settle down to some serious reading of the my Indian novel.

The newspaper reported the death of a young eighteen year lad who was the younger brother of one of Tess‘s friends. The news shocked me as the fellow was just stepping out into life. He hadn‘t really made much of a start and was now to remain forever young. I had no difficulty imagining the anguish the family would be going through. I have at least had a bit of a life and although I feel that my departure is still premature, but I can‘t really complain.

Simon Crean seems to have survived the leadership challenge and I was pleased with the news. He has never had much media support and is bagged at every turn. I sincerely doubt whether his performance is so inadequate that he merits such unfortunate treatment. It would actually seem that the challenge has done him well as he has coped extraordinarily well with the pressure.

Monday 16th June

I got up early, as I was relieved that the morning had finally arrived. It had been an absolutely and utterly torrid night. I had listened to the radio for hours and this had been integral to getting through. There was a rock programme and among other things, they had discussed the Eagles. They even played ‘Hotel California’ which of course is an old favourite of mine. It brought back to mind happier days in Moritz in Bandung.

My father took me to the Holman clinic where I looked forward to being relieved of the excruciating pain. Unfortunately I was left waiting in a little room, all by myself for three hours, by which time I was beside myself and not in a fit state for anything. Eventually, I was given some morphine and was then able to relax and lie with some semblance of comfort.

Finally a doctor emerged and the draining apparatus was inserted. After an hour or so I could feel the difference and the horrendous pain disappeared. The morphine was a help and I lay in a semi sleep for most of the afternoon as the fluid drained. I had needed some sleep so desperately. By the time the fluid stopped flowing I was a much restored person. I am normally quite exhausted after draining but I actually felt better this time. I had been so uncomfortable before.

Sunday 15th June

Some more friends, former teaching collegues, Patsy and Ellen, dropped by in the morning. It was lovely to see them again and catch up on things. Patsy is looking after some more young wombats who are very demanding of her time and Ellen was preparing to return to school the following day after a relaxing two week holiday break.

The fluid was starting to build up as the afternoon progressed and was beginning to cause me some distress. I had hoped to hang out to Tuesday but could see that this was not going to be possible. By mid evening the pain was excruciating. I couldn‘t sit or lie in any position, and wondered how I would get through the night.

I had helped myself to sleeping tablets, panadol, and Norfolk Punch (a gift from Ellen that supposedly helped sleep but nothing made any impression on the pain that the distended belly was causing me. I longed to call the hospital for an ambulance but as I had only been there a few nights before didn‘t think that this was appropriate. They may start considering me as a nuisance.

Saturday 14th June

I felt marginally better and accompanied my father into the city to do some errands. He had purchased a phone card for me that was invalid so it needed returning. Getting the situation rectified was time consuming and I eventually had to ask for a chair. I am not good at standing up for any length of time and was starting to panic. Fortunately they were obliging and the new card was co-operative.

I bought some natural sleeping tablets from a chemist because I have reached the end of the tether with my insomnia. One or two hours sleep a night is just not good enough. I didn‘t want to hit the heavy drugs straight away and decided to start with something natural. I have also invested in some paracetamol, as I am sure that the constant pain is not helping the sleeping problems. I have been stoic for so long but the situation is not getting any better. If anything it is wearing me down.

I caught up with my friend Sue in the afternoon. It was lovely to talk and hear about her trip to India, she had even dropped by an Indian novel a few days later. I was greatly indebted to her for this as I had nothing to read and was in desperate need of a good book.

Friday 13th June

I am not hugely suspicious but still am a little uncomfortable about black Fridays. I will feel happier when the day is over. Not only was the day an auspicious one, but it was cold, wet and very miserable. Hardly the sort of weather one should be out and about in if it cannot be avoided.

I was not allowed to eat breakfast as I was to have a CT scan in the morning. I was allowed to drink some foul tasting liquid instead. This was no compensation, let me assure you. After the scan which was quick and relatively painless I had to rush to the Nuclear Medicine people and have a bone scan. This was not so pleasant.

The bone scan takes quite some time and I was forced to lie on this narrow bed with my arms strapped to my side. This was highly uncomfortable and became even more so as time passed. Presumably because I am so tall it would have taken even longer. Just my luck!

Thursday 12th June

On the advice of the nursing friend from the previous evening my father and I visited the Holman Clinic (cancer clinic) at the General hospital early in the morning. She said that a visit would be much more effective than a phonecall and was right. While I was talking to the receptionist a woman walked past who had administered some chemo to me a few years ago. She recognized me as we both share a love for Indonesia and invited me to her office. She was now the nurse manager and in five minutes was able to organise an immediate appointment with the oncologist that I could only see, at the earliest, in ten days time! I left the hospital with a whole batch of referrals and a grin on my face.

After such an exhausting morning I took it nice and easy in the afternoon. Anything out of the ordinary just knocks me about terribly.

Later in the afternoon we had to venture out one more time because I still didn‘t have my referral for the specialist, even though I had already seen him. The GP wasn‘t prepared to talk over the phone and wanted to see me. Yet he could easily have faxed a referral. I was a little unimpressed, I was not well, and I hope he wasn‘t being awkward just for the money. He sunk in my estimation as he wasn‘t prepared to respect my frailty.

Wednesday 11th June

I met my new doctor who was very confident and talkative. I felt quite happy by the time I left and felt sure that my needs would be addressed. An appointment for draining at the ST. Vincents Hospital was made for that evening which somewhat concerned me. I would have preferred the General Hospital. He told me that I would have to wait days for a an appointment there.

The draining was a fiasco. They were going to remove only two or three litres which horrified me from the start and were going to do so manually, by a hand pump. I have encountered this before and it is most ineffective. It is also highly wasteful of a skilled technician‘s precious time. The pumping did not proceed well as there was only one hole in the tube that had been inserted in my abdomen. There should be at least ten! It was archaic and it upset me. I explained that gravity was just as effective and the two men did experiment a little so we managed to get a little more fluid but not much. When they asked me return the next day I politely declined. I need a much more efficient approach and was much better off in the Casualty department.

Later that evening, when back home, I found that I was quite distressed. I couldn‘t breathe and felt dizzy. When the situation didn‘t improve my father called an ambulance. In hospital they did a few tests, gave me oxygen and a shot of morphine which removed that awful pain that had been driving me mad. I met two old friends who were working on the emergency floor and once I was recovered was able to talk to them at quite some length. At midnight I was discharged.

Tuesday 10th June

My father‘s local doctor and all the other doctors in the area are not taking on new customers. We tried to explain that I was really only in need of a referral to specialists and doctors much more powerful and knowledgeable than a mere GP but they were not helpful. Eventually a doctor was located in the city who would take me on and an appointment for the following day was made. I wondered what was wrong with him. Why didn‘t he have a full book too?

My parents went out to the Riverside Motor inn for lunch with three of their Dutch friends. The food was mediocre but the prices substantial. Fortunately Pat had collected a whole price of half price dockets so that softened the blow somewhat. I don‘t mind paying for food but at least expect quality and this was very short of the mark.

I rested for most of the afternoon as I still don‘t have a drop of extra energy. I doubt whether the lack of sleep each night is helping. It is wearing me into the ground.

Monday 9th June

It was a holiday which is great for the working multitudes but did little for me. I had to defer my attempts of finding a doctor and setting up an assistance network. Meanwhile I sent Sammie an sms as she was celebrating her twenty third birthday. The years are certainly passing.

A fellow came to give me a massage which was pleasant even though the morning was cold, grey and drizzling. The room downstairs was slow to heat up but I was not too uncomfortable. Keith was an Englishman and talked cheerfully throughout the whole session. He gave me a big kiss on the forehead at the end. I doubt whether it was anything to get worried about as I look emaciated and ancient. My hair has fallen out on the back of my head leaving a bald spot common to many old ladies and the rest stands listlessly on end. I am not a pretty picture.

My parent’s cooking is going down a treat and I am greatly enjoying the home cooked meals. I can‘t eat huge platefuls but I can do a reasonable job and keep it down as well. At present I am eating everything because I am far too thin to just worry about what is supposedly healthy. Besides most ‘appropriate’ food for people in my condition seems to stick in my throat.

Sunday 8th June

If I had been exhausted yesterday then I was staggered to discover that I felt even worse on Sunday. It just doesn‘t seem to get any better. I am not experiencing much quality of life at present and am fast losing heart.

I discouraged friends from visiting as I simply wasn‘t up to social contact. This disheartened me further but there was little choice.

Sleep still eludes me and I wander about the house in the wee hours making cups of tea, filling up my hot water bottle and eating snacks. My appetite is there, which is a small mercy.

Saturday 7th June

I felt half alive so didn‘t get up to much. I made telephone contact with a few friends and a family friend visited but talking exhausted me. The sun was shining and it was really pleasant in my father‘s living room. It was all I could do to lie there and take it easy

My father bought the weekend papers and I managed to make my way through them. I think I upset my father with my anti John Howard talk, not to mention my disgust with a lot of American actions. I will have to keep my mouth closed as they are both staunch supporters of everything I disagree with.

Watched quite a bit of television as I knew that I would be having trouble sleeping if I was so stupid as to try to go to bed early. Sad really because I have always been a good sleeper and a delicious sleep is one of the pleasures in life.

Friday 6th June

I got up early which was no hardship as I don’t seem able to sleep anyway. I ordered a taxi and nothing came of it, which didn‘t surprise me. The computer who answered said it knew my address but I didn’t feel confident about its talents. A second phonecall half an hour afterwards resulted in a return call some minutes later and I was finally speaking to a human being. It then transpired that the computer had got the address wrong. Surprise, surprise! I knew all along that they simply should have asked me for my address.

It took an hour to get to the airport which was easy but very decadent. Deborah had said that my health was important and under no circumstances should I even consider taking public transport. Sixty dollars was not cheap but I gritted my teeth and tried to be brave.

The flight was late and so I was quite restless and uncomfortable by the time the plane actually took off. I had been looking forward to seeing Tasmania unfurl below me but was not to be in luck. It was raining and we only descended from the cloud minutes before arrival. Launceston looked drowned and flooded. Most uninviting. By the time I landed I was in tears of exhaustion and yet I still had to wait for my luggage and for Len to get the car.

From the airport we went straight to the hospital as I desperately needed of a draining session, even though I was also very much in need of a rest. I was kept waiting as one inevitably is at Emergency but I was out of there before six. The draining was only partially complete, we had perhaps collected a little under six litres but for some reason no more would come. I was satisfied as it would at least see me through the weekend.

Thursday 5th June

The last day had arrived and I was so excited at the prospect of the sessions finally coming to an end and making my way to Tasmania for some recovery time.

Our farewells were shared at the final session, and I will admit that there had been some lovely people there.

Anne’s husband had driven down from Castlemaine and they were to return there that night. It had been a very long haul, and in hindsight had been much too much for me. I had overestimated my capabilities.

Wednesday 4th June

I had a very hard night and there was no-one there to massage me when the pain became unbearable. At times I was in tears of desperation. I can’t imagine how things keep getting worse just when I believe that they are already impossible.

Fortunately the sessions are nearly over and I have but one to go after today. The view of the end does fill me with considerable relief, as I never thought that I would make it. The ten days had loomed interminably.

Tuesday 3rd June

I said goodbye to Yana as he prepared to return to Byron Bay. He seems quite familiar with the city and getting around so I was able to feel confident that he would be able to make his way home independently.

A phonecall later in the day indicated that he was back in our house before dark so he had obviously done a good job. He always was a good traveller. The days are pretty similar for me as I eat, rest and meditate. There is no energy for anything else and I barely cope with even that.

I am starting to find that sleep is most elusive. The pain is fairly constant and very intense. I am trying to resist painkillers but my stoic motives are becoming more and more difficult to maintain. It can be quite scary. Sleep is a wonderful thing and I took it very much for granted.

Yana had his last day looking around while I kept myself occupied by resting. It seemed like a fair exchange to me.

I was barely able to participate in the Ch’i Kung sessions as I was too exhausted. The pain was generally with me too. It is a shame that the master’s power can takes years to be transmitted because I need immediate assistance! Perhaps I made my run a little late.

Sunday 1st June

I had recovered somewhat but was still able to do little but lie round. We went for a bit of a drive around midday, and passed lovely older style houses with attractive gardens. Kilometres and kilometers of them. Brighton Beach looked a little cold and dismal but I’m sure is quite pleasant in summer. The rest of the day was fairly routine, maintaining my meditation sessions and then heading off to the Ch’i Kung group at night. We lived literally minutes away and it was no hardship.

Yana spent the day with his friends having all manner of adventures but I was happy to leave him to it. He appeared at the right time in the evening and was on hand to deliver a massage whenever the pain was becoming a bit out of hand.

I had spent a warm night in a bed with an electric blanket and woke to a warm house with an oil heater. It was bliss and I set about organizing to get Yana and my things to my new abode. I had been invited to spend the remainder of the intensive in Debra’s house and this gave me the strength to visualise actually managing to keep on with my mission.

Anne, a woman from Castlemaine, was also staying with Debra, as she too, lived too far to go home every night. Cups of tea and food were brought to me as I was only able to lie around sleep. For the first time in days I felt warm and cosy, it was a great feeling.

Yana had done a disappearing act and was out visiting the whole of Indonesian community and I was beginning to worry about whether I would see him again. He only appeared after the session that evening and after I was petrified that he was going to make a late arrival. It was the last thing Debra deserved after all her kindness.

Friday 30th May

Yana and I had to make an early trip to the hospital and he assured me that we didn’t have far to walk. He was wrong, as it was again, too far for me. I was exhausted on arrival. From then on things did improve as the hospital was at least warm and the draining procedure was quick and professional. I was out by midday but was feeling decidedly weak and so lay low all afternoon.

Half way through the session that evening my knee ligament came out of place again. This was the final straw for me, as I was totally unable to walk, and was petrified about what I was to do next. If I could have died then and there I would probably have been agreeable. Instead I dissolved into millions of nasty embarrassing tears and blubbered awfully. Magically, some an half hour later, the master had been concentrating on my knee, it was back in place. In the interim I had been invited to spend the night with Debra, one of the group members and had accepted her offer. I had neither the energy or inclination to go all the way back out to Boxhill.

Thursday 29th May

I was exhausted and spent most of the day sleeping or resting under a thick quilt. It was cold and I felt it right through to my bones. Yana and Ari gallivanted around the district while Kim attended to some of her extra studies.

In the evening I headed off to Brighton and started the whole performance again. It was becoming all a bit much and I wondered how I was going to last the full ten days. The end seemed to be getting further away all the time and I just wanted to stop it all. I knew that I had to persevere and so just kept forcing myself.

I arrived in the station at Box Hill at ten thirty and took a wrong turning, which took me out onto an unfamiliar street and I couldn’t find the taxi rank I was looking for. I had to retrace my steps and fifteen minutes later was back on track. It was the last thing I needed.

I had a very scary night as my knee ligament came out and refused to return to where it belonged. I was unable to walk and was terrified that I would have to be carried out of the backpacker’s in the morning on a stretcher. How humiliating it would have been. I woke up every few hours to play with my leg and then around six was able to restore the situation. What a relief that was. At least I wasn’t alone and Yana would have been able to get help.

Yana and I caught the train to Boxhill and found the local hospital there. From the emergency department I was able to organise a draining session for Friday and I also had my leg checked. We then walked to my friend Kim’s house, which was not easy to find. We should have caught a taxi and the effort completely drained me.

It was lovely to catch up with Kim as we had been close friends in Bandung. Yana gets on well with her Indonesian husband Ari and so we were able to spend a pleasant afternoon together. Unfortunately the house was frightfully cold and they seemed reluctant to turn on any heat. I did have some doubts as to how I was going to cope under such conditions. In the evening I headed off to my session at Brighton which was quite some distance away. Even though I was given a ride for half the trip back home the journey was still substantial and it was getting close to eleven before I made it home.

Tuesday 27th May

After worrying all night that traveling with Tess in her car would incur a fine as she can only carry one passenger, I decided against risking it and booked a taxi. It just wasn’t worth the stress and neither would the fine have been pleasant. The bus trip to Coolangatta was as bus trips usually are and I managed to do some meditation. We then had to settle into a shortish wait for our flight, which late as most Virgin Blue flights are.

Two hours later we were released into a decidedly cooler Melbourne. The trees were still resplendent in their autumnal colours but people were warmly dressed. We walked far too far and eventually, but not before I was completely exhausted, found our usual backpacker’s, The greenhouse on Flinder’s Lane. My ears were so traumatized by the cold that I had to lie down on the bed with a blanket over my head for the next few hours. I never ventured out without a beanie on my rapidly thinning hair from then on.

I found my way to Brighton to the home of the Chinese master and attended the first session of the ten day intensive course. The people were friendly and it was a good session with quite a different atmosphere to the Sydney sessions. Two members gave me a ride back to the backpacker’s, but it was still a late evening.

Friday 20th June