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Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you for the fantastic e-mail from PeaceKeeperKate, uisceboo, AnnieBW, Lassievorc and Mreen. And keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Disclaimer #3: There is a tiny reference to something out of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” by Douglas Adams that is meant in homage.
*I don’t frellin’ believe this Harvey! Here we are, floating GOD KNOWS WHERE and you want to do your column? How is anyone going to see it? Do you have any e-mail to answer? How did you get the e-mail in the first place?* John was staring at death, and Harvey wanted to do his weekly column. *You’re a FRELLIN’ piece of work Harvey.*
*John, John, calm down! Tell me, do you have anything better to do for the moment? Anyway, I got all the e-mail before we left Moya. Just keep a watch out for any rescue parties and I’ll do my column at the same time. Deal?*
*Ooo-kay, deal.* John turned his attention towards the instrumentation.
*I’d better get right on it, I don’t know how long John will give me. And I’m worried, if we don’t get rescued soon no one will see this column.*
Dear Harvey,
We've got this problem - an uninvited guest. This creepy old woman with slightly oversized ears and this rather grotesque *eye* in the middle of her forehead has very much overstayed her welcome. Not only has she completely monopolized the kitchen, but now she’s giving out bad advice, blowing stuff into people's eyes, frelling with people minds, and has even bit one of our crewmember's ears! How should we get rid of her? Blowing her out an airlock seems a bit drastic seeing as we rescued her in the first place. Our commander mentioned you should know a thing or two about uninvited guests and bad advice?
From,
an annoyed crew
Dear annoyed,
What do you find annoying about her? Is it her physical appearance, or what she is doing? For instance, you mention a third eye and large ears. Is this because you are jealous that she has physical attributes you do not? The third eye could be giving her a keen insight into other people and the large ears may make her a really good listener. Has she seen right through you and knows what and who you are?
As for what she is doing in the kitchen. IT’S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE TOOK OVER THE COOKING. We’ve had it with food cubes! A little soufflé and some chowder would do nicely right about now.
I think she is a keeper. You should not get rid of her under any circumstances, but you may leave and that would take care of your problem.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I'm tearing my hair out. Yes, it's the classic houseguest from hezmana! Some greasy old woman has moved in (no one will own up to inviting her over), and now she won't leave. She has taken up residence in our kitchen, and makes the most gawdawful things there! I actually thought I caught her spitting in the stew!
She's doing the whole "new roomie" thing, messing with our minds, playing one of us off the other. I am certain I smelled, you know, um "hallucinagenic herbs," in the air in the galley.
She has somehow endeared herself to one of my male roommates (I think they've been doing weed together). How can I get rid of this weasle? I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings, but she's really got to go.
Sincerely yours,
Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hovalis
*Hmm, another letter about that woman, and this time from Joolushko. Well, at least she is willing to admit to the letter.*
Dear Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hovalis,
Invited or uninvited, what’s the difference? She is your guest; you should be treating her like one. And how can you say the food is bad. Is it worse than the food cubes you are always feeding your face? I think not. As for spitting in the stew, I DOUBT IT. All great chefs taste as they prepare the meal. I am sure you have misinterpreted her actions, rather conveniently at that.
Tell me; are you an expert on hallucinogenic herbs? Because if you aren’t you shouldn’t be accusing another of something of which you know nothing. And if you are, isn’t rather like the pot calling the kettle black (I believe that is the expression John uses)?
Also, does she have a pet weasel? Why would you want to get rid of a little innocent animal that never did anything to you? And if it is her pet, won’t it just break her heart. Why are you so mean spirited?
As for tearing your hair out – how can we tell the difference between that and your natural shedding? I would think you’d want her to remain just to give you a excuse for your shedding problem. The next time pilot complains about hairballs, you can just point to this woman as the source of the problem.
Maybe it’s you and your friend (re: previous e-mail) who should be going once you find your way back from the wormhole you just entered.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I recently escaped from a horrible situation, but I seem to have gotten into a worse one. You see, I was a prisoner on a ship that exploded. I managed to escape, but wound up on another ship full of crazy people. One of them writes on himself, his girlfriend is pregnant but won't tell anybody, and another one of these people has the universe's most annoying scream! Well, I just wanted to help these nice folks out because they were good enough to pick up my escape pod. You know, make them a nice soufflé, or maybe some chowder. But first they tongue-zap me, then chain me up! To make matters worse, the ship gets sucked into some weird spatial anomaly with just the pilot, the screamer, and me aboard! Harvey, what do I do now?
Love and herbal LDS,
3-Eyes, somewhere in the Universe
Dear 3-Eyes,
You are right to be worried. As you can see from the previous two e-mails, you are rather low on the most want to have around list at present. But cheer up; things are getting better.
First, the zapper is away on a mission of revenge. That should take care of him for some time to come. I seem to remember that you are no longer chained up. I would just keep cooking for them, as chowder and soufflé are acquired tastes that should kick in pretty soon.
Work with Joolushko, the screamer. I think you can win her over as she is really interested in the herbs you have brought on board. I can see the two of you becoming quite a culinary team. Her knowledge of these herbs seems to be quite extensive.
The most exciting thing though, is we received this e-mail AFTER you fell through the wormhole. I’m with the guy who is writing all aver himself, but I thought you liked him. You did treat him to those special herbs, did you not? And the writing is mostly harmless, so just ignore it. If you can find us, please come get us. We liked your chowder, by the way.
______________________________
Dear Readers,
The following e-mail does not require a reply, but I want to share it with you. It is feedback like this that keeps me motivated to continue to give the best advice I can. Now I know that I am making a difference. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
We Love you Harvey!
Scapers are so mind-frelled by "Dog With Two Bones," that it's hard to compose coherent questions! I must say that your role in this episode was stellar! You were the only voice of sanity. YOU are the hero, saving John when he was ready to despair! PLEASE keep the advice coming, we need you Harv'!
Love
anonymous (shy fan)
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I read your reply to my comment on the bboard. I am very sorry I said you gave bad advice, if you got that many polls saying that your advice was the best I am clearly in the wrong.
On this subject, I wondered if you could give me some advice on a ... friend of mine. You see he also thinks his advice is the best and it's really not very good. As a friend should I be honest with him and tell him how wrong he is before he causes too much damage, or he is better left with his illusions? He often tends to feel overshadowed by another person… other people I mean, and tends to grasp at anything that feeds his ego.
Mreen
Dear Mreen,
And just who are you to judge whether advice is good or bad? As you can see by the previous e-mail, not everyone thinks my advice is bad. This is just one example of the wonderful feedback I have received. However, I see your apology is sincere, and I humbly accept it.
As for your friend, I would let it ride. I’m not convinced that he is under any illusions. If people continue to seek his advice, then he must be doing something right. I can’t see how he is doing any damage. He is probably doing much good. Don’t interfere!
*I guess that about wraps it up for the next two weekens, I should… What’s this? I didn’t see the extra note on Mreen’s e-mail.*
PS -The batch of brownies enclosed are meant for you to share with John, for something to snack upon while you are both trapped in module between seasons.
*Oh JOY! John!!! Mreen sent brownies with the letter.*
*BROWNIES! Bless her heart. Are they the kind with nuts?* John’s eyes were misting up.
*Yes, they are. Why do you ask?* Never having actually tasted Brownines, I could only wonder what the significance of nuts were.
*Don’t you see? We’re saved! SAVED! I’ll be able to pick them out and zap them with the froomius confabulator and create enough oxygen to last us for at least two weekens. And with half the nutless brownies, I’ll be able to use the kemperlanious to generate enough fuel to get us to that planet we passed two weekens ago.*
*And what about the other half (of the brownies), John?* I asked in great anticipation.
*Why, we’ll eat them. A brownie is a terrible thing to waste!* John did not disappoint me, although I didn’t quite get the terrible wasting reference.
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