EX-DRUMMER RIVALRY [A fictional spin-off of Wibbling Rivalry]
By now, I'm sure you've all heard that ex oasis drummer, Tony McCarroll is suing oasis because they "took away his dream." Here is a transcript of what took place when Tony first told Noel about the law suit.
Tony: How do you feel about the fact that I'm gonna sue you for taking away my dream?
Noel: I'm not worried about it, me. I have so much money and fame it doesn't even matter. And I do. I have more money than you'll ever have.
Tony: Did you get money for your disasterous U.S. tour last fall?
Noel: Oh yeah, I get it all the time. Every time I turn around I'm gettin' more money. Know what I mean?
Tony: Well, soon 20% of that money is gonna be mine, right...
Noel: Woah. Hang on a minute. You're not gonna win this law suit.
Tony: I am, la.
Noel: No, you're not. You have no case. You're only gutted 'cos while we were making millions you was in bed f**ckin' reading your f**ckin' books...
Tony: Not at all. Here's a quote for you from my lawyer, Lionel Hutz...
Noel: He's a f**kin'...'nother f**kin'...
Tony: Shut up. You come beg to be in the band after being a stinkin' roadie for the Inspiral Carpets; and before ya know it, you're firing me. I'm left alone without a band.
Noel: It wasn't a bad move...
Tony: Shut up! Shut up! You came in the band and just took it over. You think it's rock'n'roll to treat the rest of the band like shite.
Noel: No I don't.
Tony: Shut up. You think it's rock'n'roll to treat...
Noel: I don't.
Tony: Shut up, man! You think you're such an important rock star. Do you know what my lawyer says? He says, "Nah. Being a rock star is doing your gig and treating your fellow band members with respect. Not throwing the drummer out of the band like he's a nobody. That's disrespectful & I won't stand for it. And listen, I'm gonna get 20% of your earnings.
Noel: You won't at all. You can stick that 20% right up yer arse till it comes out yer big toe.
Tony: Would you let someone throw you out of the band without putting up a fight & filing law suits?
Noel: I don't have to worry about getting fired. I'm the reason oasis is so good!
Tony: (Super-indignant) What? 'Cos you're in the band! Because you joined oasis are a great rock'n'roll band? F**k off! Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t!
Noel: That's right. Cos I have something nobody else in the band has.
Tony: You have what? A snobby attitude? Is that what you're saying?
Noel: Song-writing talent, you idiot.
Tony: The rest of the band has talent! The rest of the band has talent!
Noel: They do now that you're gone. Alan is an incredible drummer.
Tony: Not at all. You think Alan's a better drummer than me & he's not.
Noel: If you're so great, why don't you join another band, then?
Tony: I don't want to do that. If I wanted to do it, I'd just go like that & do it & do it. But I don' want to do that. I'm not about that.
Noel: What are you about?
Tony: I'm about suing...I'm about bringing you down...I'm about...ruining oasis, that's what I'm about.
Noel: Right. That's what you're about. You're talking about ruining my band.
Tony: Yup. That's what I'm talking about.
Noel: Oasis is better off without you. We have good tunes. And you say you want 20 per cent of what we earn, right. Well, there's no way you're gonna get that 20 per cent. You can take your lawsuit & go and f**ckin' blow it.
Tony: No. I'm gonna win this lawsuit.
Noel: So what you're trying to say right, what you're trying to say, you're trying to say, right, that we work hard for our money & we're supposed to give you 20 per cent of our money.
Tony: Yeah, that's what I'm saying!
Noel: You can't get our money! 'Cos you're not with oasis! You're not with the band!
Tony: Nah, nah, nah. There's no rules. Show me the rule book. 'Cos if you've got a rule book, what you're saying is complete and utter Blooarskybluh!
Noel: You can't sue us! You're being a baby! You're getting hung up about a situation that occured a couple years ago!
Tony: Yeah, well I'm gonna sue you. 'Cos I hate you; I hate oasis!
Noel: How often are you gonna sue us like this?
Tony: Every year. ....Monthly!
Noel: Do you have any recurring dreams?
Tony: Yeah. Just the one.
Noel: What...?
Tony: (Menacingly) I'll actually win one of my lawsuits.
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