You've got questions? He's got answers! Go ahead and Ask The President

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Letters to Ask The President may be edited for clarity.

I have a question: Doesn't it feel really selfish that America uses 20% of all energy in the world on only 5% of it's population, and that 5% of this energy is wasted on computers being left on overnight.

Secondly, do you think that ruining the planet for selfish economic reasons is acceptable for everyone else here on Earth?

Finally, how do you feel about a third World War?

Jeremy Blue from England

Dear Jeremy,

First of all, I don't think America is selfish for wasting energy. Dick Cheney and I agree that Americans shouldn't feel guilty about blowing the Earth's resources and should use as much electricity as they want. After all, we invented it along with other cool things like hamburgers and comic books.

Secondest, while I'm not sure ruining the planet is acceptable for everyone else here on Earth, I do know it's okay with me and that's all that really matters.

As far as the third world going to war, I don't like that idea. Third world countries don't have the economic resources to buy all of our nifty weapons to kill each other with. No, I think only superpowers should battle it out.

God bless me,
W.

Your Phony-ness:

What words of wisdom did you have for chip-off-the block, Jenna, after her third alcohol-related incident since January 2001?

DJ Shafer

Dear DJ,

I tolds Jenna what my daddy tolds me when I was an irresponsible drunkard. "Knock it off, you're making me look bad" which is true, I think. But hey, now look how great and mighty I is!!!!

God bless me,
W.

Why are drug offenders treated more harshly than child molesters ?

lydia@terracom.net

Dear Lydia,

Because child molesters, though sick, are often secretive, intelligent peoples who tries hard to hide their crimes. Drug offenders on the other hand are usually too stoned to be smart and are therefore easier to manipulate and pick on. Also, people who use drugs, especially marijuana, sees a change in their perceptions and aren't so easily fooled by political b.s. and that makes them far more dangerous than those other sick bastards.

God bless me,
W.

What is your IQ?

Gwazz

Dear Gwazz,

I won't tell you the exact number, but if I remembers right I'm on the scale somewhere between chicken poop and a box of rocks.

God bless me,
W.

Prezzy Dearest:

I can't help but notice that, in nearly every photo taken during your "tour de farce" of Europe, the foreign heads of state all appear to be laughing.

The question is: Are they laughing at you, or near you?

Sincerely,

Anne in Avon Lake, OH

Dear Anne,

What you usually don't see on the television is how funny I really am. I am funny beyond belief. Always been that way. I've been making people laugh since I was just Little George. I don't even have to speak their languages or nothing, they just look at me and start laughing. It's amazing. I will be a good dictator.

God bless me,
W.

Dear Mr. President,

I was wondering about something recently. You know your daughters, and how they are, well... not so well behaved? I was wondering how you plan on helping our nations children when you basically screwed up your own. What measures are you taking to help prevent underage drinking and such crimes among the children of America?

Sam

Dear Sam,

Now listens here and listens good. My daughters are good girls who are no different from any other young ladies with a taste for tequila and lawlessness. I have done my bestest to stop them from making the same mistakes I made by completely avoiding the subject with them since they were as babies. And I will do the same for your children and for every children of the world. As some wise person said "silence is blissful" or something.

God bless me,
W.

Hey blunder!

I know that you think that you are the King but the real polls show that only 38% of Americans trust you. I strongly suggest that resign before you are impeached. HAHAHAHAHAHA. My question is- When are you going to resign?

Janelle Kirkpatrick

Dear Janelle,

Why does peoples always ask me that? Why would I ever resign? This job kicks ass! Everybody does whatever you say, and you can take naps a lot and pretend you know what's going on with everything. And knowing that with the snap of a finger I could gets somebody killed or blow someplace up? Man, it's the coolest.

God bless me,
W.