You've got questions? He's got answers! Go ahead and Ask The President

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Letters to Ask The President may be edited for clarity.

Dear Mr Bush --

The Russians are bonding with the North Koreans and Chinese; there are strong signals that all out war is breaking out in Israel/Palestine etc; the IRA is backing out of disarmament; the Mayor of Vieques is serving time for protesting the "pretend real good" US bombing of his island, Saddam Hussein's pledge to "ruin George Jr's vacation" has been met by bombing; and even American Samoa is no longer a happy camper.

My first question is -- who disappeared first -- Chandra Levy, or Colin Powell? My second question is -- presumably if he is found -- what exactly are his duties? As a "Secretary" of State -- does he just make coffee?

Sincerely,
Chookie Chapati

Dear Chookie,

Colin is missing? I told him not to go jogging in the park! And just so you knows, not only does he make a great cup of coffee, he excels at typing, filing and answering the phones.

God bless me,
W.

Dear George,

Whats 2+2? To hard for you? Secondly, what is the capital of Canada. What do you think of prime minister Jean Poutine? hehe

Regards,
President Earl Washburn

Dear Earl,

2+2 is either four or five, I can't really remember since I learned it so long ago. The capital of Canada is Hockeytown. And who is Jean Poutine, I thought the prime minister was that other Jean fellow, I think his last name starts with "c". How many prime ministers does Canada have?

Hey! I sees you is a president too! What country is you from? It's a great job, isn't it? People are so stupid, they believes anything.

God bless me,
W.

How long have you been a criminal? Do you know what the terms "treason" and "obstruction of justice" mean?

Mary Ellen

Dear Mary Ellen,

Surely you is confused. I am not a criminal, a criminal is someone who is actually caught being illegal. Which I have not. And yes, I do understand what "treason" and "obstruction of justice" means. I also knows what "my daddy can gets anyone lookin' into my activities killed" means .

God bless me,
W.

Dear Mr. President,

Have you heard from Kenny-boy at Enron lately? Are you still friends? What is Big Brother John going to do about Kenny-boy?

And about the Axis of Evil: why didn't you include Germany, England and Saudi Arabia, where Mohammed Attan and his "freedom-hating" friends had been hanging out; and Pakistan, which is not only a nuclear state, but the one that supplied arms to the Taliban? What is the goal of this coalition -- a War on Terror, or a Narco-terrorist War? By the way, if you talk to General Mushroom or something, you should send your greetings to HeckMartyr, or whatever his name is.

Are you compromising your Bush Doctrine? Terrorism is terrorism no matter what the cause, right? Besides, ends don't justify the means, unless it is to liberate countries from the grips of tyrannicallistic evil-doers like Sodom, Mivoselic, Kim Il-Jong, Khamatti, and Yaris Afarat, and other foreigners that are hard to spell, much less pronounce. And given time I'm sure your father would surely have stopped SirRathole or whatever in Indonesia, if his friends in the military industry and that Thatcher chic didn't have to do business with him.

Sincerely,
Paul from Chicago

Dear Paul,

I can tells one thing from your letter. You are unpatriotic, an evildoer and possibly a terrorist. I has forwarded your letter to my good buddies John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge and some other good friends of ours will be paying you a visit real soon. After all, how many Paul's could there be in Chicago?

God bless me,
W.

Dear Shrub,

Have you figured out why their aren't any black people in Brazil? Do you ever worry about seeing your daughters on "Girls Gone Wild?" If you were a tree what type of tree would you be?

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions.

Josh in Corvallis, Oregon

Dear Josh,

I thinks there is probably no black peoples in Brazil because it's so far south that the white peoples are still really close-headed and prejudicial.

I never has to worry about my lovely twins being in one of them pornographic "Girls Gone Wild" videos. They are very innocent about such things. Heck, a while ago they went to New Orleans during Mardi Gras and I was worried they would get to drinkin. But it seems they spent the whole time shopping instead. You should've seen all the plastic beaded necklaces they brought home. Must of been two suitcases full of them.

If I was a tree I would be a Christmas tree, because I like giving gifts and special favors to all my good friends and family.

God bless me,
W.

Boob Sweat,

You make me want to club baby seals and shove forks in my eyes. What do you do when you don't get your way?

Dirty Rita

Dear Dirty Rita,

Actually, when I doesn't gets my way these days I threatens to unleash a nuclear Armageddon upon the worlds and then I shove spoons up my nose. Takes it from me, don't go the forks in the eyes route. It really hurts and makes you all squinty for the rest of your life. Oh yeah, and good luck with those little seals.

God bless me,
W.

To PRESIDENT Bush,

Can you please tell me what books you like and what sports you do to keep fit, and what are your favourite sports you like watching.

thankyou,
Paul Wigan England.

Dear Paul,

I like books with lots of pictures. Words just seem to make my brain gets to hurtin'. Laura reads to me at night before I goes to sleep though. Which reminds me, do you know Harry Potter? I haven't met him yet but he seems like a funny kid.

For sports I like to jog, play videogames and take a lot of naps. Never underestimates the fitness of sleep. And for sport I like to watch football (real football not that soccer stuff you foreigners calls football). I used to like eatin' pretzels during the game, but the secret service won't let me have them anymore.

Say hi to your king, Tony Blair for me. We're good buddies, he's always laughin' when he's around me.

God bless me,
W.