You've got questions? He's got answers! Go ahead and Ask The President

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Letters to Ask The President may be edited for clarity.

Hey Bonzo,

Where are thoses paper on Bonzo Sr. and Reagan at? How long are you going to hung on to them before turnning them over to public like law says you should what are you hiding from us?

Gene in Mo.

Dear Gene,

I don't knows anything about any papers or files or anything that my daddy may have burned to cinders in my folks fireplace. I also never helped shovel them in or anything like that, so just forget about it.

God bless me,
W.

George W.

Why would you give the prime minister of Japan a bomber jacket??? Ever hear of Pearl Harbor? What a dumbhead!!!

What ever happened to Neil Bush? We never see or hear about him.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Doris

Dear Doris,

First off, who doesn't like bomber jackets? They make anybody look cool, even that fella from Japan. And what does the Japanese have to do with Pearl Harbor anyway, they aren't Chinese.

About my brother Neil. Well, after that savings and loan thing he did - you know, the one my daddy took care of and that cost every man, womans and children about two-thousand dollars - well, daddy decided Neil should lay low for a time until the American peoples forgot what he did. Watch for me to name my good brother head of the Federal Reserve when I toss that Jewish fella out in a year or so.

To answer you most important question, when I looks in the mirror I sees a handsome face with delicate beady-eyes and pursed lips. In other words, the face of a leader of the free worlds.

God bless me,
W.

I suppose you are opening the Mexican borders to Mexican trucks so you can save your fat cat buddies south of the border a bundle on transportation costs.

You support the death penalty but not stem cell research. Talking out of both sides of your mouth boy george?

ABF573456@aol.com

Dear ABF573456,

Actually I'm doing the Mexican things so that I can gets plenty of votes from our neighbors to the south who happen to come up this way to live and work. The trucks I want over here will be able to transport lots of immigrants, which I will instantly make legal citizens with the right to vote. Also, it will help the import of drugs, which the CIA tells me is quite profitable for them.

Yes it is true I support the death penalty, but I wouldn't say I don't support stem cell research. I just don't support stem cell research using any new embryos. I also don't think there's anything contradictorus about protecting the right of some mess of cells while allowing the killing of peoples who are most likely guilty of the crimes they are imprisoned for. Then again, talking out of both sides of the mouth is a proud Republican tradition. So there.

God bless me,
W.

Is it true that you plan to have the entire world implode? And can you tell me your view on how the Americans were dumb enough to vote for you in the first place? And how the hell did you win the election with less votes than Gore?

Earl 'lefty' Washburn in Ottawa

Dear Earl,

I don't plan on imploding the world, at least not that I can think of. I have personal experience with it though, as I once had my car imploded by the police when I got caught drunk driving. My daddy and I had to go to the implode yard and get it back and pay off some peoples and stuff. Gosh, was he mad!

As far as the Americans who voted for me, well I don't think they're dumb. They just believe it's time to change the tone in Washington. Time for armies of compassion and all that other crap I talked about over and over again. They also wanted a man of shrewd intellectulistic powers. Really, I'm not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. Someday I'll come to Ottawa (that's in Kentucky or something, isn't it?) and prove to you how smart I is.

Your last question is the easiest. Anyone can win the election with less votes. Just make sure you gots a brother as governor of the state you want to win, have a little hottie who will do anything to get you elected as secretary of state, and have a daddy who once worked in the White House and the CIA who has some favors to call in, and tadah! you're waking up president. Man, this country rocks!

God bless me,
W.

If Texass annexed itself from the union would you support it? Would you lead it? When you are steering through the gulf I advise to watch out for your brother's state (you know, Florida). Oh and hurricanes too. Oh yes,and alligators.

I just called the White House.They said you werent there. Hello???HELLO!!!

BisforBjork@aol.com

Dear BisforBjork,

What an interesting letter. Before this president gig came along I often thought of claiming myself divine emperor of Texas and annexing it. I likes your idea about cutting it loose from the U.S. and taking it for a test drive in the ocean. That would be cool. I'd sail on up to New York and blow those freaking liberals right off the face of the Earth, that's what I'd do.

Sorry I missed your call, but I don't hang out at the White House too much, especially the Oval Office. Peoples are always wanting you to sit down to read and sign a bunch of papers and stuff. I didn't become president so I could just do work all day, I'll tell you that much.

God bless me,
W.