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Secretary
of State
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Bruce Willis
For Secretary of State, Mr. Retina chose
Bruce Willis. Mr Retina said he made this decision because Mr. Willis
"won't take no crap from nobody. I'm talking to you, Portugal!"
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Secretary
of Defense
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William Schallert
For Secretary of Defense, Mr. Retina chose
William Schallert, that loveable actor who just seems to show up everywhere.
Retina praised him by saying "Not only was he in 'Colossus: The Forbin
Project', but he was in 'Innerspace', 'House Party 2', 'The Computer Wore
Tennis Shoes'. and, of course, 'The Second American Civil War'.
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Secretary
of the Treasury
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Principle Weatherby
Perhaps one of the most controversial
members of the new Cabinet, Senate committees are most likely to ask several
questions of him before approving him for the position. Among these questions
will be "Why do you have a bow-tie on your crotch?"
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Secretary
of Education
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Satch DeLeon
As a gesture of no-hard-feelings and peace,
Indigo Retina chose his opponent Satch DeLeon to head up his Department
of Education. Members of the Tragically Hip Party lauded the President-elect's
decision as "Super-cool." "Action-packed". "A real summer thriller",
but then realized they weren't being asked about "Scream 6".
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Secretary
of Commerce
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Kirstie Alley,
Circa 1985
Kirstie Alley, Circa 1985 had all the
good prospects. With no "Veronica's Closet" and no "For Richer or
Poorer" looming over her career, young Kirstie was an up and coming actress
with really big hair.
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Secretary
of Agriculture
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Fuv Ma' Poppin
Retina chose Fuv to head up the ol' Department
of Agriculture as a payback for an I.O.U. that he has been promising to
repay for 20 odd years. A very bold choice for the new president-elect.
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Secretary
of Energy
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MC Hammer
For Energy Secretary, Mr. Retina chose
MC Hammer, who, although he was a former president, can only be described
by the equation:
E = MCHammer
Retina said he made his decision because "that man is pure energy."
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Secretary
for Housing and Urban Development
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Will Smith
Who better to head up the Department of
Housing and Urban Development than the former Fresh Prince?
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Secretary
of the Interior
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Andy Richter
Mr. Retina believes greatly in the work
of Andy Richter and believes he would be an excellent choice for Secretary
of the Interior. Especially after his sitcom "Andy Richter Controls
the Universe".
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Attorney
General
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Michael Clarke
Duncan
We all know the legend of Michael Clark
Duncan. After finding God in Tim Burton's reimagining "Planet of
the Apes", Michael decided he needed to do something more with his life.
So, he went back to school and passed his bar exam with flying colors in
2009. He fast-tracked his way to politics when in 2014 he became
a Senator. Retina chose Michael Clark Duncan for Attorney General
for his tough stance on judicial issues.
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Surgeon General
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Alexi Decimus
Some call him the Surgeon General of Pain.
He is often heard saying "This time, it's personal." Alexi Decimus
is the foremost medical mind in the nation, and was the Surgeon General
in Georgia before being appointed to the Presidential cabinet.
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Postmaster
General
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Drew Porter
For his in-depth news analysis throughout
the campaign, and for his brief 3 month stint as a mailman, Drew Porter
has been chosen to head up the postal system in the new Retina administration.
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