American Vampire (1997)

An American Vampire Story

Cast:

Trevor Lissauer is Frankie
Johnny Venocur is Moondoggie
Adam "I'm BATMAN" West is The Big Kahuna
Sydney Lassick is Bruno
Carmen "Watch me run in a bikini in slow-motion" Electra is Sulka

What the box says:

Trevor Lissauer (Undressed, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the Skateboard Kid) stars alongside vixen Carmen Electra (Baywatch, Scary Movie, Starsky & Hutch) in this tale of Pacific dwelling undead.

When young teen Frankie's (Lissauer) parents vacation to Europe for the whole summer, he thinks his life will be full of carefree parties and sun-kissed girls. However, after allowing a conamn named Moondoggie and his two seductive accomplices into his home, Frankie's life takes a sudden and unusual turn for the worst.

Slowly coming to the realization that his new houseguests are not quite "human", he must seek out the help of a famed vampire hunter known only as "The Big Kahuna", played by Adam West. Can they manage to get rid their lives of these strange people, or will these vampires slowly taking control of the entire west coast?

Plot:

Some European-accented narrator rambles on about dreams. Frankie is swimming and then has a dream of 2 hot blonde chicks that kiss him before vamping out with computer graphics that would embarrass an Apple from the early 80s.

Frankie’s parents have ditched him for the summer and went to Europe. He and his buddy, Bogie, head to the beach.

Dick Dale must have blown his residuals from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack to be in this movie.

The dynamic duo hangs out on the beach until it is dark. Frankie is pining for his girlfriend who won’t take him to the next level of physical contact. They hear a strange noise when a bat dive bombs them. Bogie has a neck bite. Isn’t that ominous?

Suddenly, Eric Von Zipper walks up to them and invites them to party with maximum babeage, etc. Bogie wants to go. Frankie convinces him not to go. However, Bogie invites Moondoggie, to Frankie’s house. The mysterious Moondoggie leaves.

Frankie and Bogie gets into a fight about inviting people to Frankie’s house. They make up and head home.

Later that night, Frankie awakens and searches the house after hearing a noise. It is just a lamp that overturned. Suddenly, Moondoggie appears and delivers another one of his creepy vampiric speeches.

Moondoggie and his “friends” can stay. He brings in Katrina and Carmen Electra (Sulka which is such a terrible name just go by her acting name instead.) Frankie shows them around when they claim his parents’ room. They pretty much walk all over him.

An old balding guy, Bruno, shows up. Moondoggie tells him to leave Frankie’s dog, Fluffy, alone.

Frankie hears a noise. Peeking out of his room, he spots Moondoggie and Bruno dragging coffins down the hallway.

In the morning, Frankie cuts himself shaving. Suddenly, Bruno pops up in the bathroom with him.

DeeDee shows up. Frankie introduces him to Bruno who is cooking some sick smelling concoction. The teen couple leaves for the beach.

The beach has skateboard half pipe stock footage. Bogie is hitting on some chick. DeeDee asks about Bruno, etc…She was hoping to spend some time alone with Frankie over the summer. Hint-hint nudge-nudge…

Frankie is reading a book on vampires while the mysterious European-accented narrator strikes again.

That night, pseudo-Andrew “Dice” Clay gets picked up by Katrina and Carmen. Moondoggie watches the girls go to town on the newest lunchmeat. Frankie awakens from his nightmare.

Frankie finds Bruno sleeping in the garbage. Plot line radio announces the murder of a DJ which I guess was the guy in the nightmare.

Back at the beach, surf rock band must play. Frankie talks with Bogie who hasn’t seen the guests. Witty repartee ensues. Frankie is about to seek out advise from the Big Kahuna. Chickens out, he heads home.

Bruno has been blacking out the windows for Moondoggie who is allergic to the sun. Frankie is sick of how these houseguests are turning the house upside down. He demands to talk to Moondoggie. The bedroom door opens. He finds the room lit with quite a few candles and the 3 coffins.

Frankie hunts up Bruno who is cooking again. Asking about the coffins, he is given some ridiculous excuse about family heirlooms.

DeeDee gets a visit from Frankie who asks her about vampires. She thinks his grip on reality could be firmer.

Frankie visits a psychic who apparently don’t know anything about the occult, etc… They give a car for Van Helsing-meister. He calls and has to leave a message on Adam West’s machine.

Back at the house, Nacho the gardener is trimming the hedges and finds Bruno up to something. They struggle and Bruno kills him. Bruno also makes a call in order at a pet shop.

DeeDee stops by trying to find Frankie.

Later, Moondoggie talks with Frankie and tries to convince him that DeeDee is bad news. Katrina and Carmen engage in behavior that would be considered close to felonies. DeeDee comes back by and spies on the Frankie-Katrina, Carmen sandwich. Running off with tears in her eyes, she runs into Moondoggie who starts talking to her before hypnotizing her.

The sleeping Frankie is protected from Carmen by Katrina who is more afraid of disobeying Moondoggie. Frankie awakens as the girls start arguing over who got their last victims first before escalating into a catfight. The phone rings and Frankie talks with Van Helsing-meister. The teen hero heads out.

The pet shop guy arrives and is the next meal for the hungry Katrina and Carmen.

Beach, at a mobile home, Frankie starts telling the entire problem to the wizened European looking guy who turns out to be Van Helsing-meister’s servant. Frankie learns that Van Helsing-meister is the Big Kahuna. After telling the slayer about Moondoggie, and girls, Bat-Kahuna has a plan formulated. Stake the vampires in the morning. After a discussion of his job experiences, it is learned that Bat-Kahuna hasn’t actually fought a single vampire. He claims that all the traditional methods work, such as crosses, etc...

Frankie heads home and finds Moondoggie, Katrina, Carmen, and his neighbors who have prepared a surprise party for him. Bogie is in the pool with Katrina and Carmen. Bogie thinks Frankie is acting too tense and needs to chill. Frankie spots DeeDee with Moondoggie, and she has 2 bite marks on her neck.

Frankie heads to the beach to sleep. Heading back to the house, he spots more missing pet posters.

He questions the pale DeeDee. She spotted him with the girls and then Moondoggie found her.

In the kitchen, Frankie finds piles of an exploded dog. Bruno just microwaved Fluffy, the dog. Bogie and a number of other people walk in.

Why it happens to be a vampired Bogie and Pet Shop Boy? They close in on Frankie who learns that garlic isn’t as effective. However, the cross is able to drive them back. The vamped DeeDee and the others surround Frankie when Moondoggie stops them.

It seems that Moondoggie isn’t bothered by the cross. Frankie accidentally mentions the Kahuna. Well, that angers Moondoggie who was going to leave Frankie alone but not now.

Things are looking pretty bleak as it looks like Moondoggie is going to take a quart or two of blood from Frankie when BAT-KANUNA arrives.

"Well, ole chum, time to show these undead suckers not to piss off BAT-KAHUNA!!!" He is going to finish off the master vampire with a stake.

Katrina and Carmen stroll in while Moondoggie introduces the girls to BAT-KAHUNA and for them to take special care of him and show him a real good time.

Frankie is holding the BAT-KAHUNA’s glowing staff. He tosses it like a javelin into Moondoggie’s chest. The vampire promptly explodes. Katrina and Carmen are vaporized. Pet shop guy, Bogie, and DeeDee are normal again.

BAT-KAHUNA leaves.

The formerly vamped Bogie and DeeDee have forgotten what has happened over the past couple of days.

Frankie and DeeDee swap spit as pseudo-Luther Vandross starts crooning. Frankie tears down the blackout curtains and walks off to the beach.

What I say:

Let's ask the first question on our minds. What kind of parents ditch their son for a summer vacation without any supervision whatsoever? If you thought leaving Macually Culkin behind over Christmas in Home Alone was farcical, the sheer idea of leaving a teenage boy alone in a beach house in Southern California alone for summer somehow shatters thelaws of physics including the Second Law of Thermodynamics.

Moondoggie? Could we abandon the Gidget references? Not with trying to have surfers and the beach with a vampire movie. Vampires and beaches go together about as well as peanut butter and pickled spleen. Think vampires might want to avoid beaches? Well, they only are on them at night but still seems a stange place for undead bloodsucking demons from Hell or the equivalent.

How did Dick Dale manage to blow his royalties from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack to have to do a beach concert in this movie? I can only hope he was playing for some other reason and the film crew tricked him into agreeing to play by not telling him anything about the plot.

Somehow, a 20-something year old guy wanting to hang out with a 15 year seems creepy in a Michael Jackson way or at least in creepy in the ancient Greek way of a guy mentoring a young guy into the ways of life. Well, 2 chicks groping a teen boy isn't much better except from the perspective of the teen.

Some of the night shots are so dark you cannot see what is happening. Is there some sort rule when making movies to have scenes so dark that nothing can be seen? The coffin dragging in the hallway without the expository dialogue from the alleged hero about coffins had no idea what happened.

Adam West has been forever branded because of the Batman TV-series from the 60s. He's better known today as Mayor Adam West on Family Guy among the younger generation. The movie would be a lot better with more Adam West in it. A surfer-legend vampire slayer who seems more obsessed with chicks than Beavis and Butthead combined could have been the start of a great line of movies.

Well, after the artist formerly known as Prince couldn't turn her into the next pop singing sensation, she started acting. She's been from Carmen Electra's Naked Wrestling League (quit drooling, she doesn't compete or live up to the title according to the fantastic Wrestlecrap) to being Jenny McCarthy's replacement on Singled Out Carmen was in American Vampire and can't really be considered the star of it. She's was in it about as long as she was in Scary Movie.

Why have a guy do the worst possible Andrew "Dice" Clay impression imaginable? He does the "Whooooooaaaaaaaaaa's," etc...This movie was made several years after Dice's 15 minutes of fame were up. It just seems strange to have some guy trying to impersonate him. For the Dice fans, this may be a better use of time: Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

Frankie sees the death of fake-Dice Man at night but awakens from his nightmare in the day. So either he saw it and redreamed the thing and woke up. I'm probably trying to put more thought in it than the director. Though, it can't compete with the "nightmare about a movie scene inside a flashback that was never told to the person telling the flashback" scene from Return to Horror High.

I didn't mention much about the missing pets around the neighborhood. A persian cat goes missing, Bruno fixes "Persian Surprise." The Gardener originally named "Nacho" is killed but is never called that. Later, Bruno sings the praises of his excellent Nachos. Then, the microwaved dog scene. Really, the movie tries to use gross-out gags with animals to gloss over the lack of human victims in a vampire movie. Pretty much the bitten are closed in on and scream if shown later the 2 bitemarks on the neck. Don't expect Near Dark special effects.

The "rules" for vampires shouldn't be hard to follow. The problem is that the "rules" need to be followed exactly. We all know that Kryptonite can weaken before killing Superman excluding the various colors of it (Sorry comic book geekiness must escape every so often much like Mr. Miracle). Anyways, garlic and crosses sometime work and are even mentioned as useful but stop randomly working.

Quotable Dialogue
"We party hearty."
"Might be some sort of psychotic seagull or something."
"Wackoes don't have babes."
"You catch my drift Virgin boy?"
"How'm gonna get those damn vamppires out of my house?"
"His neck is so jugular."
"Call me Kahuna."
"Don't get you skivvies in your crack."
"You're now one of the living dead."
Morals of the Story
Parents can abandon their kids for the entire summer.
Dolphins are close to beaches.
Vampires have photographic memories.
Fat balding old guys love to spy on teenage boys.
"Rap Session With a Vampire" is a subtle joke in this movie.
Pet shops have deleivery men.
Vampire victims speak in reverb.
The microwave isn't the best way to dry pets.