Plot:
I realize how disjointed the plot description will sound. It can't be any more confusing than the movie. Also, Long Jacket Guy is the 12th Man. Thought, he is
never named anywhere in the movie.
Various sky shots including clouds and the moon are shown before seeing the tide crashing on the beach.
In the city, Brad is taking a walk. Suddenly, Long Jacket Guy is walking nearby and following Brad, who is creeped out by the long haired guy in duster after him. A red shirt
guy pulls out a gun. Suddenly, a lot of guys are opening fire.
A white screen, Long Jacket Guy is walking on a beach.
A guy is in the middle of a pool of a blood.
Brad awakens from his dream. Loretta tries consoling him before they commence tenderly porking.
Various artsy shots ensue.
Long Jacket Guy is walking alongside the road before getting picked up. A traveling montage scene ensues.
At a lighthouse, Long Jacket Guy appears out of nowhere. He consults his tricorder and continues walking down the road. It is very artsy.
Brad has another flashback or dreamback about Long Jacket Guy chasing him.
The family that picked up Long Jacket Guy stops at a gas station. A bunch of rednecks spot the Lorenzo Lamas coiffed Long Jacket Guy. These guys start beating dad for
no real reason. They stop and let him get up before smacking around some more. Finally, Long Jacket Guy gets involved.
Brad senses impending doom. He is starting to see Long Jacket Guy while he is awake.
Long Jacket Guy does his Mike Tyson impression and bites one of the redneck’s ears off. He is whooping up on them unaware of the family driving off. Long Jacket Guy
manages to get back on the jeep to escape the gun wielding rednecks.
Loretta has to go back to work.
The jeep is on the road.
Another flashback, Brad is on the ground. Long Jacket Guy is doing something.
The rednecks are in pursuit.
Brad is walking around the city and has a flashback to the funeral of his sister as a child.
Later some kids are running on the beach.
Long Jacket Guy is doing the slo-mo cool guy walk. Brad spots Long Jacket Guy. The rednecks open fire on Long Jacket Guy like it was opening day of deer season. He may
have been a bit luckier than Bambi’s mother but is still hit. A group of teenagers wrestle the gun-wielding rednecks down?
Red Shirt chases after Long Jacket Guy. Brad is chased by Long Jacket Guy.
Brad gets to the juice bar Loretta works at. He is screaming about how Long Jacket Guy is the guy in his dreams but won’t let him inside. All the customers leave the back.
Brad drags Long Jacket Guy inside.
Red Shirt gets hosed down by a bunch of super soaker wielding teenagers.
Brad closes down the juice bar.
Flashback to the beach, a ninja crawls on the shore?
They go back to Long Jacket Guy in the juice bar. We learn the very angry rednecks are part of a feared militia. Another militia men gets super-soaked by a kid. When large
scary guys get hosed down by kids with water guns, they lose part of their intimidation factor.
Back to the beach, we learn it isn’t a ninja. It isn’t even a Navy SEAL. They alternate between climbing guy and a dying Brad. Now, a biker appears. If my description is jarring
and incoherent, you should see the movie.
More artsy shots and bad music assail us. An accelerated sundown shot commonly used in cheap vampire movies gives us more confusion.
Brad and Loretta take Long Jacket Guy to their apartment. Long Jacket Guy pulls the bullet out of his gut. Brad and Long Jacket Guy know each other.
| years
ago, Brad thought that Long Jacket GuyK was his guardian angel. It has only been one day for Long Jacket Guy in that time. A vision of dying Brad brought Long Jacket Guy to
him now.
Long Jacket Guy tells about the 10 Lost Tribes. His ancestors came from Earth: ancient astronauts. Long Jacket Guy’s scriptures are close to the Bible. Apparently, Jesus
wasn’t from Earth but another planet.
Long Jacket Guy’s bullet wound has completely healed. Loretta is suitable disturbed by all of this.
![]( "The pinnacle of human evolution.")
The pinnacle of human evolution.
Brad entertains Long Jacket Guy by silly stringing him. Later on the news, the report about the militia shooting is the top story.
Loretta and Brad discuss pre-Bing Bang chronology.
Another dream sequence has Long Jacket Guy at the beach and then at a parade.
A couple more artsy shots assail us.
Red, leader of the militia, is let out of jail. He wants everyone searching for Long Jacket Guy.
Long Jacket Guy is on the floor. He dreams about 2 kids playing and follows after them. Beach frolicking ensues.
As Brad is fixing breakfast, he realizes that Long Jacket Guy has left.
Like this shot, you'll be seeing it a dozen times.
Brad goes after him.
Wandering Long Jacket Guy ensues as it alternates with the searching Brad.
One of the militia guys spots Long Jacket Guy heading to a church.
A flashback to a parade assaults us again.
Brad follows Long Jacket Guy into the library. Long Jacket Guy is looking at Earth maps.
Suddenly, Long Jacket Guy is in the desert and places some sort of homing beacon.
Back to the current time, they are leaving the library when the militia pulls up outside.
The chase begins again. Brad trips and is only saved by the shopping cart fun demonstrated by Long Jacket Guy.
The militia loses them when they escape through a drainage pipe.
Everyone is back at the city park. So that means another flashback to confuse us. Long Jacket Guy remembers being at the beach and having a vision of dead Brad.
Long Jacket Guy and Brad are still on the run. The militia is able to wing Brad in the shoulder. Long Jacket Guy keeps running unaware of what just happened when remembers
the dead Brad vision again. Well, the militia is still closing in on Long Jacket Guy.
Red arrives and orders his men to kill Long Jacket Guy.
Long Jacket Guy is trapped and only has a pistol and a radio. He clocks one of the militia men in the head with it.
Flashback to when Brad was a kid, artsy shots of clouds ensue.
Current time, Long Jacket Guy climbs a tall sculpture in the park. The militia opens fire but aren’t able to stop Long Jacket Guy for he has the high ground. Long Jacket Guy
opens fire in a way that would embarrass any cheaply made movie that rips off a John Woo action scene.
Elsewhere, Brad is still bleeding like a pig.
Back to the beach, Long Jacket Guy overhears Brad’s family.
Present time, the gunfight continues. Long Jacket Guy caps some more rednecks. He is shot and falls off the sculpture but is able to keep gunning the militia down. Wounded, he
starts unleashing kung fu upon the rednecks.
Red and the rest still are chasing Long Jacket Guy. He is able to evade them by hiding in an old cemetery. The hobbling Long Jacket Guy is attacked by one of the militia men.
Red arrives and takes aim at Long Jacket Guy when the Ninja? kills him.
Long Jacket Guy is greeted by the Ninja? Apparently, Long Jacket Guy is forced to relieve the agony of killing the militia due to some mind meld.
Long Jacket Guy apologizes to Brad.
Flashback to the beach, Brad and his brother are playing in the sand dunes.
Long Jacket Guy brings the wounded Brad to Loretta.
Back to the flashback, Long Jacket Guy gives Brad’s toy robot back to him.
Brad tells Loretta to give Long Jacket Guy his motorcycle. He rides off before the ambulance arrives.
On the road, more artsy shots ensue and the patent pending Fellini tunnel scene signifying who knows what.
Long Jacket Guy is wandering on the sand dunes when a Shai-Hulud devours him. I needed a good Dune joke at this point.
The Ninja? is waiting for him. He points the way as they trod on. Many other ninjas? are waiting for them and everyone vanishes.
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What I say:
In college, I had an English project that had each group put on a 5 to 10 minute play or skit for the class. I wrote my group's skit. Half the group showed up for the meetings
and picked the shorter parts. We left the larger roles to those who didn't show up. Have you ever wondered what a college freshman would write about an egostistical king who
torments his subjects, wears a Burger King crown, based on the Ozymandias (look on my works and despair...)? Or if said king gets in a swordfight with the brave noble knight with
a stick versus a plastic sword? The best part was my death scene that no one expected where I fell over screaming about poison. It was taped, and the teacher kept it. I do regret
not getting a copy of it for myself. However, the thought of something so terrible being unleashed on an unknowing public is almost Lovecraftian.
This was more a fan project than anything else. Not every low-budget movie could be Clerks or Evil Dead. Maybe the movie makes more sense when considered
with the comic book part of the story. This movie was a special feature on the G-Men From Hell DVD. While that movie had a competent cast and
an interesting story, Astroesque didn't. There isn't much in the way of dialogue or a plot. So, Astroesque is hard to follow.
I could just leave my comments to something like "art-school mentality"or "hackneyed." I think that isn't good enough description. Too many reviews have a couple of witty or
for the most part unwitty comments hidden through a batch of comments more concerned with something else like the philosophical aspects of the movie. While, I don't deliver
Agony Booth type quality. I think I at least do better than some of the user reviews off IMDB.
In fact, the guy playing Brad reminded me of a more action oriented Dante Hicks from Clerks. The guy who spent the entire movie whining about how he wasn't
supposed to be there. While that may be a better characterization in a comedy. Astroesque is a lot of things but not an intentional comedy.
Let me give another example. Mean Guns is a typical Albert Pyun movie that makes absolutely no sense. He does hit a cool looking
visual once every 10 movies or so even directing such terrible movies as Knights. Though, how many color filered scenes does a movie need? Astroesque seems
to be done almost like Battlefield Earth. I don't mean the camera is on its side for the entire run time. However, the same editing techniques
are used. Editing techniques are used not to advance the story but used becasue they look "kewl." If one loses track of how many flashbacks in the first 20 minutes, the movie has
better be a lot better before the ending to atone for its craptacularity.
I can't really think of any movie that has so many uses of waterguns. Double O Kid has the super soaker flamethrower. A couple of
vampire movies like in Monster Squad have kids using holy water in squirt guns. However, Astroesque just loves to have a redneck militia shot with supersoakers.
The story is a guy seems to be haunted with visions of a stranger for most of his life while the stranger is haunted by him. It is sad when a movie with ninjas and humans from
outer space kung fu rednecks and is not interesting. To be honest, they are never called ninjas. However, I think anyone wearing black jumpsuits and masks and performs martial
arts is automatically considered to be a ninja.
It looks like some of Mike Allred's family movies got into the movie, too. The flashbacks have Mike Allred's family portraying characters for the flashbacks like younger Brad
or his older brother as kid.
The successful comic book movies keep aspects of the comic book feel and continuity. Superman wasn't bogged down with the 40 years of continuity at that point. It
didn't have Krypto the super-dog or Streaky the super-cat. However, something like Astroesque didn't have the years of continuity which would drown the typical comic
book movie. At the very beginning, Mike Allred mentioned that the movie was only part of the trilogy which included an album and the "Red Rocket 7" story. Each part is supposed
to be able to stand on its weight.
While, I didn't really enjoy this movie. I won't slam it like Massacre. Astroesque was a bonus feature on the G-Men From
Hell DVD. I got the DVD for the main feature. Astroesque isn't a movie I enjoyed. At least, Allred tried included to what must be a wider audience. While far more
famous directors will do whatever they can to try to prevent their less successful movies from being distributed or altering them to the point of being totally unrecognizable. I have
to at least acknowledge Allred for ensuring this movie got a far wider audience that a limited VHS release nearly 10 years ago...
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Quotable Dialogue |
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| "I told you not to have that double bean burrito last night." |
| "He bit my buddy's face off." |
| "I won't hurt anyone, but I won't turn the cheek." |
| "Where's Gigantor?" |
Morals of the Story |
| Hitchhikers will be forcibly combed. |
| Ninjas love the beach. |
| Waterguns keep redneck militias at bay. |
| Police cars don't have sirens. |
| Strangers shall sleep on the floor when suffering from bullet wound. |
| Guns don't have muzzle flashes. |
| Radios can cause massive head injuries. |
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