Plot:
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DEEP HURTING!!!!
A screen crawl informs us that in the year 3000 AD. Earth has been under the rule of the brutal Psychlos that mine planets bare. And, gold is the most precious metal in the universe. Man is on the verge of extinction.
In the mountains, the fur wearing humans are manning a fort. Good to know by the year 3000 saw the end of the “fur is murder” campaign. Village elder tells Chrissie (another application of Retrogressive namification) that Johnnie is a dreamer and worthless. She should find a better man. The gates are closed just as Johnnie arrives with the medicine. In the first of way too many slow-motion scenes, Johnnie screams “No!!!” Well, I was thinking that, too. Well, Johnnie buries his father.
Later at a meeting of the entire village, Johnnie tries convincing them to find a better place to live. Elder tells us that demons came from the sky after the gods deserted man. Our place is to live here until the gods return. Well, since Johnnie is free spirit, he’s going on his own. He wants Chrissie to stay to protect the village. She gives him a necklace that was given to her by his mother. I knew you could say plot point.
Arcane Enya like chanting is heard as he leaves. In the forest, Johnnie’s horse is spooked by something. This large monstrous thing appears. Johnnie attacks the plastic dragon. We see the remains of a miniature golf course. Johnnie finds Carlo (another victim of Retrogressive namification) and Rock (forgive me Dwayne Johnson; they know now what they do). Rock shall be called Tubby. If Johnnie gives Carlo and Tubby food, they’ll show him gods.
Our vague heroic types enter a desolate overgrown city. Johnnie is told of chariots and golden arches. They find shelter for the night.
In a mall, they think the gods froze people into mannequins. Suddenly, Carlo is hit by a beam. A neon green tinted chase assaults us. Johnnie and Tubby are running for all their worth. Tubby manages to hurt his ankle. Johnnie calls for his horse that is promptly shot. He does stop long enough for another slow-motion screaming “NO!!” just like when his father died. A dreadlocked gun toting alien manages to shoot Johnny.
Johnny is in a cage with other humans as the Psychlo ship takes off. It flies to a massive computer generated complex. People are having difficulty breathing after they enter the dome. Johnnie finds the air masks they all need. An overwhelmingly generic film score attacks us. The ship lands at the human processing plant in Denver. Yes, the aliens rule from Denver, Colorado.
Several of the humans try escaping. Psychlos manage to shoot him. Johnnie grabs the gun and shoots a Psychlo and tries escaping now. Terl captures him. Our super genius Terl cannot believe that Johnnie used a gun. He orders Johnnie to be given another gun and has him shoot a Psychlo. The chief of security for the planet, Terl, thinks this is abso-FREAKIN’-lutely hilarious. And thus began the first maniacal laugh of the movie. It won’t be the last time either.
The newly-captured humans are hosed down for delousing. Johnnie manages to hose down some Psychlos. Why? It shows he won’t be caged. Did you know he’s a free spirit?
The teleporter is activated. The old Psychlo Zete is shown around by Terl. They all hate Earth. We see humans sifting through the dirt in the background.
In a meeting, Terl and Zete study photos of dogs surmising they ruled the “man-animals.” Terl is hoping to be transferred off of Earth, soon. Zete laughs maniacally telling Terl he’s there forever. As everyone laughs at Terl, we learn that Terl and a Senator’s daughter did the equivalent of the stilt wearing dreadlocked alien horizontal-mambo. Zete laughs at Terl more and then leaves. I get the impression Terl is about to cry about how no one likes him. More than that I was almost thinking Terl would unleash his telepathic powers to kill those who mocked him. Sorry, confused Carrie with this dreck.
Aren't I a creepy evil alien?
We see the heavy polluted and industrialized planet Psychlo. Imagine a dirty Coruscant and you’d be close do the home planet. Zete is grateful to be back.
In the bar, Terl is drowning his sorrows in a fluorescent green drink, Kerbango. Ker doesn’t see Terl’s problem: has a good job. We get to hear the legendary monologue of how Travolta was trained to conquer galaxies anything else is a waste of his talents.
In the human cells, the slop is served. Bully and his men tell Johnnie they eat first. This doesn’t sit well with our free spirit. Bully and Johnnie fight. Eventually, Johnnie wins. Everyone will eat the slop at the same time. He gives a handful of slop to a kid and then to Bully.
Terl catches Ker hiding some satellite photos of a recent gold vein. Terl has him check the chemical composition of the mountains where the gold is found. The mountains have a high concentration of Uranium. Uranium will explode any Psychlo. Can you see this plot point in giant flashing letters? Terl starts beating Ker for hiding this from him. Ker begs for his life. Suddenly, Terl starts laughing at Ker. Why? He’s e-villll and can act maniacally if he wants. Terl has a plan to get the gold.
Terl tells the Planetship, governor, about a mutiny by the workers that want pay raises. Ker mentions humans don’t work for pay. Terl volunteers to train humans to mine. The Planetship hates the idea so much he forbids it. When the new workers arrive, he’ll cut their pay to make up for dwindling profits.
The humans are chained together when a pile of rubble collapses on some of them. Johnnie cuts himself free and runs off again for what seems like the 5th or 6th time by now. A couple of Psychlos catch him. They drag him into a building with Psychlo atmosphere and take his air mask. He can’t get it back. These Psychlos have a wager on how long Johnnie can survive. He runs through the building and takes hit off of other people’s air masks. We see Bully even share some air with Johnnie. The Psychlos are angry that Johnnie cheated.
Terl thinks the Planetship is hiding something. He tells Ker he won’t be cut in on the gold. Terl secretly records Ker explaining the gold scheme all the while Terl states company regulations. This is Terl’s backup plan. If everything goes bad, blame Ker for it.
Johnnie has gotten into the sewers. Terl spots Johnnie on a surveillance camera. Psychlos are chasing Johnnie. In a dead end, Johnnie is trapped until Terl kills the guards. Terl wants leverage over the primitive human. He’ll use food as leverage. The plan is to let Johnnie and his friends escape and see what food they prefer. Thehumans will be paid with their favorite food.
Johnnie, Tubby, and Carlo are on a snowy mountainside. They haven’t eaten in 3 days. Terl has miniature cameras hidden on each of them. Soon, they will celebrate with their favorite food. Johnnie catches a rat. Terl realizes than humans love to eat rats. Is this funny? Somehow, Johnnie discovers the camera and destroys each of them on him and the others. Terl and Ker are going to retrieve the humans, now.
A chase ensues ending with Johnnie and the others at the edge of a cliff when caught. They are taken to a cell. Terl places Johnnie in a learning machine. A hologram of a Clinko slaves will instruct Johnnie on how to speak Psychlo. Because, the best race in the universe is Psychlo. A mind trip ensues for Johnnie.
Don't force BattleField Earth directly into my retinas!!!
Excuse me for a moment...
TASTE MY PAIN!!! FEEL MY AGONY!!! SMELL MY VENGEANCE!!!
The other humans are using shovels and other mining tools. Terl tries talking to Johnnie and uses the machine again. After Terl leaves, Carlo pulls Johnnie from the machine. Johnnie is smart now. He uses the machine more to learn more. Later, Johnnie is trying to explain mathematics to the other humans. No one else understands what he’s talking about. He goes over Euclidian geometry. We interrupt this synopsis for a mini rant. How does Johnnie know the name of the Greek mathematician who developed it? If the name is in the Psychlo knowledge machine then they know humans are capable of intelligence. Houston, we've just derailed another faulty plot-line. Johnnie goes over symbols in engineering, molecular biology, etc…
Johnnie is reading Psychlo corporate regulations. They manage to enter the armory and get guns.
Chrissie is waiting for her free spirit to return. Johnnie’s horse rides back. The Village Elder tries convincing her to stay to no avail as she rides off.
Terl is getting angry that Johnnie hasn’t learned Psychlo, yet. Ker thinks Johnnie is faking not knowing. Carlo secretly records Terl mentioning the gold. Well, the plan is a washout so time to kill the humans. Johnnie finally starts speaking Psychlo to Terl. He orders Terl and Ker to provide transportation for them. The humans storm out carrying the Psychlo guns. Guess what, the guns aren’t loaded.
In the wreckage of a city, Terl takes Johnnie to a library. Terl claims all of Earth’s military lasted 9 minutes against the Psychlos. He lets Johnnie read anything in the library to prove there is nothing that can help humans stop the Psychlos. It becomes an uplifting scene when Johnnie reads the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Terl reappears.
He has another demonstration for Johnnie and the other humans. Terl shoots at herd of nearby cattle, shooting the leg off of a cow. NOTE: I must state this scene was stolen from a much better movie. The Sheep exploding scene from Peter Jackson’s BAD TASTE
Moo...
We have just reached the one hour mark in this movie....Another hour remains....
Apparently, torturing a cow is something that enrages men as they rush Terl. A group of woodsmen rush from the forest. Johnnie grabs Terl's gun. They want Terl dead and then to run off into the forest. Psychlos can’t be beaten. Motivational speech that would impress Matt Foley (Chris Farley from SNL) or Mel Gibson from Braveheart ensues. I'm trying to think of something better or funnier...Anything to distract me...Johnnie convinces them to fight. The forest men return to the woods...He gives the gun back to Terl. Another ship lands.
Ker brings out Chrissie. Johnnie claims not to know her. She has an explosive collar on her. Terl is going to demonstrate its force by placing a collar on one of Johnnie’s friends. Johnnie begs Terl not to kill him. Terl agrees but Johnnie must never ask for anything else of him. Terl hands the remote to Ker who detonates the collar. Do you get the feeling Terl is e-villll?
The humans are brought to the main human cells. Johnnie is blaming himself for the death of that guy. Carlo inspires Johnnie not to give up. The other humans learn of a human who can speak Psychlo. They all want to join Johnnie... A tremendous triumphant music swells as the humans grunt in pride.
In the bar, Terl meets with Chirk, his soon to be hot secretary chick. Terl knows what the Planetship is doing now. Planetship, Terl, and Ker meet. Terl reveals the Planetship is embezzling money by cutting the workers pay but keeping the difference. Terl gives the Planetship 2 choices work for him or be vaporized.
Terl collects mining equipment and tells the others the Planetship is training men to mine. They think the Planetship is out of his gourd for such a crazy idea. Later, Terl has Johnnie learn to fly on the Psychlo flight simulator. Slowly, Johnnie becomes a capable pilot able to fly around computer generated obstacles.
Later, Johnnie is flying the men to where the gold is found. They land, can’t go any farther with the possibly exploding Psychlos. Terl will return in 14 days and Johnnie better have a decent amount of the gold mined by then.
The humans set up a mining camp. They won’t be able to get the gold from the vein in time. Johnnie has a plane. In the library, he learned about a place called Fort Knox. They need to get supplies for their revolution. But, they must look like they’re mining at the site Terl expects them to be at, too. A group of savages that showed up when Terl shot the cow arrive. They have enough men for Johnnie’s plan.
Using a map, they fly to Washington, D.C. We get some comedic bit about how the lines don’t appear on the ground, anymore. In the Library of Congress, Johnny, Carlo, and Mickey discuss how to take the planet back.
Back at the mining site, they work as the spy satellite flies over where they can see it. Johnny briefs the men on what to do. Psychlo procedure is to place humans in cells if they use weapons like rocks and clubs. Stage a distraction that draws the Psychlos into the dome. And, then Carlo blows up the dome. But, an attack of that magnitude will draw the Psychlo gas drones and troops to invade the planet. So, they need to destroy the Psychlo planet before destroying the dome.
They fly to Fort Hood, Texas, to find mothballed military equipment: M-16s, etc…They find flying machines: Harriers. It doesn’t take long for them to get the flight simulator up and running. Johnnie finds a nuke and gets it prepared. Mickey volunteers to detonate the bomb on the Psychlo planet. Johnnie wanted to go but is convinced he’s too important to the revolution.
Johnnie flies to Fort Knox. They break inside to find the gold. Even if the Psychlos didn’t find the gold, which they should have, how could a bunch of cavemen break into Fort Knox? Apparently, everything works in the future but the locks of buildings.
Johnnie gives the gold bars to Terl. Gold bars? Terl asks why it’s in bar form. Johnnie lies mentioning Terl wouldn’t want raw ore and that is the only form of gold Terl would accept. And, this moron believes him. Terl accepts the gold and wants the rest of it in 7 days.
Humans are in their cell. Ker is patrolling the area when Johnnie tells him Terl won’t share the gold with him. The video of Ker explaining the gold smuggling will ensure he doesn’t get any of the gold. Johnnie mentions he has the videos from Terl’s safe. Johnnie has a deal for him. Ker demands the video. The humans pass the tape among them selves like a twisted version of Keep Away while grunting like monkeys. Finally, Ker agrees to a deal.
Johnnie gets the explosive collar off of Chrissie.
Terl starts hiding the gold bars in coffins of dead Psychlos that will be teleported back to the home world.
Guards are on patrol. Humans are running around.
In Terl’s office, Ker is watching the video of Terl training humans to mine the gold. Remember, this was taped by Carlo earlier. Ker wants 80% of the gold. If anything happens to Ker, the disc is sent and Terl will be killed. Terl wants to know who has the disc. Guess what, he has the severed head of the bartender. Ker starts turning a green as his drink when Terl shoots his hand off. Cause, he's e-villlllllll.
Johnnie’s plan begins. Carlo flies to the dome and starts planting explosives around it.
Johnnie shoots a guard. Random Minority Guy is killed. It looks like Johnnie is about to be recaptured. Elsewhere, the humans are revolting in the city. We get one of the most blatant Matrix rip-offs ever. Johnnie is running behind a series of pillars while being shot at in slow motion.
Carlo keeps planting the explosives.
The humans are still revolting. Carlo is ready to blow the dome. But, Mickey has to be teleported to the Psychlo planet first.
Johnnie’s firefight ensues. Elsewhere, random human violence continues. Carlo destroys one of the Psychlos ships but doesn’t see the several behind him. Suddenly, the Harriers piloted by the savages arrive. Yes, flying cavemen will dogfight with aliens. Somehow, Independence Day is becoming more and more realistic.
Johnnie and Mickey take care of the guards.
Terl leaves the dome for some reason.
The Harriers play cat and mouse with the Psychlo ships throughout the demolished city. One of the cavemen runs out of ammo and crashes his plane into a Psychlo to save a buddy.
Johnnie and Mickey sneak to the telepad. Mickey takes the bomb. Johnnie begins activating the controls. Carlo contacts him again. He needs to blow the dome. Psychlos are tearing the explosives from the detonator. Carlo is given the go to blow the dome. Terl arrives and cuts the teleportation sequence at the last second, literally. Carlo activates the explosives, creating a massive computer generated explosion. The humans are still revolting. The dome isn’t blown, just cracked.
Terl orders the Psychlos to kill all the humans. The humans are in retreat. Battle montage begins. Carlo crashes into the dome with his ship. Battle montage continues. Carlo’s ship is trapped in the dome. He realizes the extra fuel he’s carrying. Taking steady aim with his bazooka, Carlo shoots the fuel. The dome is blown finally…The dome collapses. The humans head for the sewers to escape the falling dome, etc… Buildings are collapsed from the dome wreckage. Another, rip-off, the sewer entrance looks a lot like the Morlock tunnel entrances in the Time Machine.
The dome keeps collapsing. Why? We need some massive computer generated destruction.
The teleporter is activated. Terl calls in the gas drones and troops from the home world. The gas drones are prepped and the massive Psychlo army stands ready invade Earth. Terl is just about to kill Johnnie when I think Mickey jumps to his defense. I’m not sure and don’t care to find out who it is. Mickey is on the telepad. Johnnie grabs Chrissie’s collar and places it on Terl’s arm. A fight between the two ensues. Terl has a gun on Johnnie demanding the rest of the gold. Johnnie will trade the gold for Chrissie’s life. Terl doesn’t have anything to worry from her. Johnnie warns him not to blow the collar which convinces Terl to do it. This is oldest child psychology trick in the book, which Terl falls for. Terl blows his own arm off. Mickey is teleported to the Psychlo home world. Johnnie grabs Terl’s gun.
Psychlo planet, Mickey arrives and is surrounded by Psychlo troops. A single tear runs down his cheek as he detonates the bomb. A chain reaction manages to blow up the planet. As Lee-Loo from the Fifth Element might say. “Big Badda-Boom.”
Very, soon it will be over...
The next day, the Harriers are patrolling as the humans find Johnnie. We get the sappy music as Chrissie runs to Johnnie in slow-motion.
In Fort Knox, Terl is in a cage surrounded by gold. Terl asks why he’s still alive. Here it comes, leverage…. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH leverage. If any colonies are still out there they would try to destroy Earth. But, if they realize it is Terl’s fault for being greedy and stupid. They’ll go after him, instead. Yeah, right, what'll keep any other Psychlos from blowing up Earth? Granted, they won't be able to use just one nuke to ignite the atmosphere like the man-animals did.
Terl spots Ker arrive, thinking he’ll free him. Ker hands a blaster to Johnnie. Ker is showing the humans to use Psychlo technology in exchange for being the head Psychlo. Ker laughs at Terl who has his fondest wish. He’s surrounded by gold. They ripped off the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
