When I left you last week, Tightrope Walker-man and I had been captured by the Evil Charlie and his Angels and were being taken to meet their leader, Ho Chow Mein.
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We were led to a small clearing in the woods where Charlie and his Angels had set up a small, makeshift replica of the tropical beachside bar from Cocktail. There, they tied us to two rickety barstools.
"Um, excuse me," whimpered Tightrope Walker-man, "The ropes on my hands aren't very tight, you might want to take a look at them because, given time, I think I could probably get my hands free and..."
"For the love of Buddha," I hissed at him, "Ixnay on the oprey."
"What about Oprah?" said Tightrope Walker-man, "Seriously, this isn't the time to be discussing my membership to the Angel Network."
Just then Charlie appeared, wheeling in a chair on which sat a figure constructed entirely of minced meat and cabbage. "Quiet now, poor excuse for cartoon characters, this big boss man, Ho Chow Mein." Charlie waved his arms in front of Ho Chow Mein as if presenting a prize on Sale of the Century. "He be watching you while we get our beauty sleep. In morning we play Ho Chow Mein Roulette. There many dodgy bits in Chow Mein, if you unlucky you get dodgy bit make you very sick, if you lucky you get nice snack. Good night, little carnies."
With that, they disappeared into the jungle, leaving us with the inanimate Ho Chow Mein. These people were insane, we had to escape.
"Quick, Tightrope Walker-man," I whispered, "Try and get your hands free and get us out of here."
I took him the better part of the night, and a lot of whining about how the ropes were hurting, but by early morning he was free of the ropes.
"Now untie me!" I said.
"Boy, I'm so hungry. Do you think Charlie would mind if I ate some of Ho Chow Mien?"
"No, don't...!" I cautioned, but it was too late. He had already swallowed a mouthful of Ho Chow Mein.
"Oooo... I feel a little woozy..." said Tightrope Walker-man and promptly passed out.
Just then, Charlie and his angels appeared from out of the jungle and surrounded us.
"Silly carnies!" laughed Charlie, "No more screwing around, you die now."
"Wait," I said. "Here's what's going to happen: First I'm going to leapfrog you, then I'm going to kick all your asses and then Tightrope Walker-man and I are going to Moonwalk out of here. And since my untrusty companion has fainted, I'm going to do all this with my hands tied and a barstool strapped to my ass."
The Angels rushed at me and I tore my feet free of the ropes and kicked out at them, striking them in the nuts. I jumped to my feet, leapfrogged over them and then...
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting, those kids were fast as lightning. In fact it was a little bit fright'ning, but they did it with expert timing.
But not expert enough to beat me, I had them all down in no time. I roused Tightrope Walker-man and got him to untie me. Then, we Moonwalked out of there. Well... I did, Tightrope Walker-man did some kind of backward hop / skip.
"Dude," I said, " that's not the Moonwalk."
"Yes it is, Drew Barrymore did it in Charlie's Angels. So she must be right, she's like... God."
"Who? What? What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, I forgot..." Tightrope Walker-man said, "I'm future Tightrope Walker-man... present Tightrope Walker-man went to China Beach to try and get Dana Delaney's autograph. I have to get back to the Delorean to get to the Wild West to find the Professor."
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But that's another story. One that might haunt me if I ever buy tickets to the American Wild West. Can you even do that? Where was the Wild West? Idaho? I don't know places, but I do know this... it's Friday, time for bourbon and Chinese food... not Chow Mein though.
You can email the Gold Logie winning Stilt-boy at jimjimbo75@yahoo.com.au
Go ahead, ask him a question... or offer him sexual favors, he'd like that...
