Write to Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

Why am I still here working when others are enjoying themselves at the local watering hole?  Should money be all that important in our lives?

- Tired Poor Corporate Female

Dear Tired Poor Corporate Female,

Let me get this straight--you are still at work and your co-workers have left and are enjoying happy hour already? Get your ass to the bar already! Some ho is likely to jump right onto your bar stool and take the free drinks from the loudmouth drunk who is just dying to buy them for you! Hell, who needs money when you can get the important things in life for free?

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My husband is convinced that he knows better than me what I said last week. I try to tell him that I said Y, but he constantly assures me I said X.

Unfortunately, every time I accuse him of having said something other than that which he thinks he meant, he gets mad and tells me he always knows what he has said. So I'm constantly getting into trouble.

I don't know what to do. I've already turned to the bottle and a younger lover, but I can't afford drugs. What else can I do to ease my situation?

Yours sincerely,

- Trashed White Trash

Dear Trashed White Trash,

You simply MUST stop buying the expensive liquor, my child. Start drinking the cheapest crap you can find, and not only will you not remember what you OR your husband says, but the money you save will allow you some lovely recreational drugs, if not a second stud on the side. Bottoms up!

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My wife says I fart a lot and I never remember things she tells me. I asked her to define a lot and she just stared at me. Do you think she could be hard of hearing? She's not hard of smelling, I can tell you that, and what I can't remember is the last time she gave me a blowjob. What's a fella to do.

- Renaissance Man

Dear Renaissance Man,

Not to worry, she's suffering from a very common malady--SWSD (Selective Whiner's Spouse's Deafness). Unfortunately for you, one of the side effects of the illness is the inability to suck on male body parts. The only known cure is for you to shaddup already. Next?

-Crabby

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