Dear Crabby,
Is there some kind of formula to determine how much money to spend on Christmas gifts for friends and family members? I get so flustered when it comes time to Christmas shop, and I always end up spending too much. Help!
- Needs to Budget
Dear Needs to Budget,
To make this easy, let's say you have $100 to spend on gifts and ten people to buy for.
Make a list of their names, most favorite to least favorite. Spend half, or $50, on the first person. The next person gets half of what's left, or $25. The third gets $12.50. Fourth, $6.25.
Then, you can stop right there. There isn't much point in bothering with the other six with less than seven bucks left, so scratch them right off the list.
Chances are that spending so little on numbers three and four will upset them enough that you'll only have the top two people still talking to you when you need to make next year's Christmas list, and a full $25 left in your pocket to spend on the person you know you REALLY want to buy for--yourself!
Happy Holidays!
-Crabby
Dear Crabby,
ARRRGH!! I'm so angry right now I could just scream!
My 6-year-old just got back from a birthday party, and both her Fall jacket and her shirt are smeared in several conspicuous places with splotches of yellow glitter paint. I've already washed both items once, and it looks like the dang stuff is permanent.
The mother who threw this little backyard shindig never said ANYTHING about the kids doing arts and crafts, or I would have dressed my daughter accordingly. She specified that this was a "drop off" party and did not want parents hanging around. Instead of goody bags, she had the kids paint their own tote bags to take home. The fabric paint she used is the type that takes at least 24 hours to dry, yet the party was only 90 minutes long, so all of the paint was sopping wet when he had to transport them home...WHAT THE HECK WAS SHE THINKING!?!?
I could wring this woman's neck. My daughter's jacket and her new shirt are ruined.
What should I do?
- PO 'd for Real
Dear PO 'd for Real,
My dear, a few small stains on some clothing are nothing to get your blood pressure sky-high over! I find that cooking soothes the nerves.
Now, where's your recipe for Harvard Beets? You simply MUST make a huge batch of them--far too many for your family to eat. No sense in wasting any, though. It's so very nice to share with friends. You know--friends who have your daughter over for "drop off" parties.
I'm sure when you knock at her door and tell her you have something for her, she'll invite you in. If not, pushing past her will work. Oh, and make sure you present them on something she won't have to go through the hassle of washing and returning to you--like a cheap paper plate. The slippery kind. The type that accidentally escapes from your hand when your foot catches on her lovely, plush carpeting.
-Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I have some questions about those adult diapers -- you know, those creations with brand names like Depends? As I may need to wear them myself some day, I would like your assurance that they're all what they're cracked up to be: a temporary storage unit adorning one's private parts in which to hold one's waste material until a proper receptacle is found in which to "dump" said material...as it were.
The reason I'm asking you this is because a friend (who seems to know more about you than you thought, haha!) told me that you use these adult diapers on a regular basis. (May I dare to assume that you have a serious problem in your lower regions? And do you find my assumption embarrassing? If so, I apologize profusely.)
Anyway, Crabby... can you honestly say that you've never had any accidents -- such as a tell-tale sign showing up on your white skirts, for instance? Or don't you even wear white skirts?
Thanks ever so much,
- Not at All Anal Retentive
Dear Not at All,
I wish you damn people would quit confusing 'getting pissed all the damn time' with losing all bodily control, for heaven's sake.
Sorry, but this bitch has yet to explore the dazzling world of the discreet adult undergarment. It's tough being so popular, people will say anything to drop my name...
Anyway, use your head, sweetheart. If you slap on a shit-catcher then eat like you haven't seen food in a month, white skirts are PROBABLY a bad idea. Ya think?
-Crabby
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