Write to Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My daughter-in-law (love her to death) tends to be extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, even when put sensitively and/or with humor. For example, I recently told her that although the sheets on the guest bed were obviously fresh, I just couldn’t get the smell of bleach out of my nose and wondered if I could show her how to do the laundry properly while I was there. Well, you’d think I had just asked her to cut off her left breast while she was nursing (which, by the way, she didn’t do when my grandchildren were babies and I gently told her how bad it was for them that they weren’t).

Anyway, we seem to get into little tiffs whenever I come for my weekly three-day visits and it seems to be getting worse. What can I do to make her see things my way? She'd be soooo much happier.

- I'd Be Grateful to Have Me As A Mother-In-Law

Dear I'd Be Grateful,

Sounds like you got yourself a stubborn one over there.

While I admire your spirit, your methods obviously need some tweaking. You simply MUST get serious, my dear! Only committing three days a week to her rehabilitation falls way too short. How can you expect her to change when she has over half of each week to relapse?

This week, you must show up on her doorstep with at least two huge suitcases in tow and announce you are moving in, and then plant yourself firmly until your mission is complete.

Unfortunately, some people simply won't comply until utterly pushed over the edge. I know you can do it. Be strong!

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I'm leaving in a few days for a fun family cruise. The problem is, my husband's sister will be there, too, and she gets overly amorous after she's had a few drinks--which is OFTEN. How can I keep her from doing the kissy-smoochy-humpy-grindy on me?

- Relative of Lady Humps-a-lot

Dear Relative of Lady Humps-a-lot,

When you see she's getting close to the ‘humpy' stage, discreetly slide a dildo from your purse and switch it with the little umbrella in her drink. You may also want to set a vibrator on the bathroom sink for good measure, depending on just how worked up she gets. Just make sure that when you try this, it is in a place that has multiple restroom facilities. Good luck, dear heart.

-Crabby

 

Dear Crabby,

I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm serious here, Crabby. My father died ten years ago, and because of a long and twisted family dispute, the only heirloom I have left of his legacy is his bowling ball. That's right. A 14-pound hunter green Pin Blaster, engraved with his name--HANK--directly below the thumbhole. I want to remember my dad, but what the heck am I supposed to do with a bowling ball?

- Bereft

Dear Bereft,

Uh, ever think about using it to...BOWL?

-Crabby

More letters

Home