Write to Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

Is "Crabby" your real name, Crabby? There's a dog that lives in my complex with that name. He's not very crabby, though.

So, tell me...is that indeed your name? And if so, why?

Thanks ever so much!

- Nosy

Dear Nosy,

Had my parents had more foresight, they would have given me this name. However, as it turned out, I had to earn it. Apparently, your dog friend did not.

Why is this my name? Keep reading...

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I'm finding that work is seriously interfering with my love life and I don't know what to do! I'm trying to handle a much younger lover whose energy levels are well above mine, but if I have to go into the office every day from 10-12 am , I don't see how I can keep him happy and satisfied. What would you suggest?

- Exhausted and Spent

Dear Exhausted and Spent,

Surely there's some way you can sneak him into work with you, dear. Since his energy level surpasses yours, try impressing him with a few lessons in multi-tasking.

However, you may find that your boss objects to him being there. If so, you may have to hide him under your desk occasionally. But, come to think of it, what better way to get him to start eating out of your...uh...hand?

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I am the only woman in my fantasy football league.  The attention I get is great, but my problem is that I'm too nice when it comes to smack talk.  The guys get really nasty with each other, and it frankly shocks me sometimes.  I tend to use humor in my smack talk and tell them that we'll take our teams' fight to the field.  Since you seem to not be afflicted with the overly-nice gene, I was hoping you could give me some advice on how to toughen up my fantasy football smack talk.

- Polite Football Goddess

Dear Polite Football Goddess,

It's not as hard as you may think, my dear. Haven't you ever REALLY listened to what they say? It all boils down to two simple phrases. One, being “your team/player/beer sucks” and “they can't do shit.” Oh, and once you get good at it, throw in a few “my team/player/beer rules” on occasion.

It doesn't take much effort or brainpower to master smack. Practice when you're taking your next shower. Don't be timid about it, either. “Hey Frankie, your shampoo SUCKS! And your soap, it doesn't clean for SHIT!” Get loud. Say it like you mean it, girlfriend! Then later on, try a little smack talk on those who love you. I'm sure you'll be able to come up with ways they suck and things they do like shit. Say it loud and proud.

In no time, you'll be smacking down with the guys while sucking down your favorite brand of beer--which by the way, rules.

-Crabby

More letters

Home