Write to Dear Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I am in a quandry! A few months ago, I was hired by a famous celebrity couple to be a nanny for their newborn daughter. Although I have never actually seen her, I hear she's quite beautiful.

It's kinda odd, because I never see any dirty diapers in the trash, and I never hear the kid crying, either. I thought I was hired to take care of the baby, but all they have me do is sit around and re-adjust the couch cushions all day (the guy I work for tends to jump on them alot).

I had great references when I took this job, and I was under the impression I'd be having some hands-on time with the baby. I tried talking to the baby's mom, but she stays locked in the basement most of the time with her "religious advisors"...I think they're watching some kind of miniseries down there, because I overheard someone say something about the "programming going quite well."

The dad is never home, and I'm starting to get a bit bored. Should I start looking for another job, or just take their money?

- Suri's Nanny

Dear Suri's Nanny,

Sounds like you're in a bit of a risky business, where only a few good men and women succeed. Honestly, most of it depends on how much you like the color of money. If you make the right moves, you can be a top gun of a nanny. Don't be afraid of what seems like a mission: impossible. Stick with it and keep fluffing up those couch cushions, and soon you'll be on cruise control, singin' in the rain, man!

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I am very depressed. I think my secret internet stalker from Turkey has abandoned me. He and I had planned a date where I was to sneak away from my husband while on our vacation in Venice and meet each other for a day filled with wild sexual abandon. Now, he says he is going away "on business" at that time and cannot make it.

I have reason to believe that he has taken a male lover from Bulgaria , but I can't prove it. What should I do???

- Safe but Lonely

Dear Safe but Lonely,

Have you checked the trade wires to see if he's now on a new team? If so, you may have to see what rules this team has for pick-up games in other fields.

If he's too involved with that other team now, please don't fret. There are plenty of free agents out there, just waiting to get in the game.

Hang yourself a blank roster, sweetie. It will fill up in no time, you'll see.

-Crabby

Dear Crabby,

As manager of a famous team of European Style Queens I've been responsible for ruining an unfortunate woman's sexual encounter in Europe, because I signed on a new player whom this poor dear was supposed to be playing with in another country.

How can I tell her that the team rules for membership, although not for dress, are quite flexible without getting her upset and uncertain about herself? And what should I do if she can't maintain the clothing requirements?

- Concerned and pitying,
Mata Hari of the Sublime Porte

Dear Mata Hari of the S.P.,

I was under the distinct impression that the European Style Queens were cross dressers, not cross about how one dresses.

In any event, I'm sure once you explain the bi-laws of the league, she'll be happy enough, if not outright gay.

-Crabby

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